One Year Older/Crushes Back in the Day

So, today is the date of my birth…



[Reese waits for cheering and round of applause]





[Reese continues to wait]





[Reese stops waiting realizing that all of her internet friends suck]





As with every year on this day, I like to reflect on the past year and see what kind of stuff I did. Well, I have to say this was a pretty good Year of the 30. I mean, I turned 30 last year and didn’t lose my mind. I bought a new car and failed to complete the blog story on it like I said I was, I saw the Spice Girls in concert, saved for my trip to China, found a new place to live, and some other junk. It was a pretty standard year, but an alright one nonetheless.

Anyways, I was thinking about some other stuff I could write about today. When I got bored doing that I started thinking about hot boys. FYI, I almost always start daydreaming about hot boys whenever I’m bored.

Yeah, so I was thinking about the waiter at the Brickell P.F. Chang's who looks like a Latino Orlando Bloom (HOTTTT!!! I’m going to kidnap him, I swear it!!). And then I started thinking about how I’m going to make Daniel Henney fall in love with me at the Beijing Olympics (Yeah, Korean Hott!!!). But, then I slowly started getting back to writing this post and thought, “What about a July 7th post on my crushes from back in the day?” “Yes,” I thought, “this is going to be fun.”

Well, it was. For some of my crushes I realized that young Reese had good taste; but, for other guys I realized that young Reese was an idiot.

So, anyways, I now present to you…



Crushes…





I Had…







Back in the Day…







Ralph Machio





Awwww….he’s so cuuuttteee. He’s the cutest little Karate Kid evah!! Awww!

No seriously, I loved me some Ralph Machio back in the day. Seriously, he’s like the #1 crush from back in the day. No one could ever top Daniel-son.

Really, if I had lived in LA during the 80’s I’m pretty sure I would have spent my young childhood stalking Ralph Machio.

I just had way too much love for him back in the day.







Taimak



Oh, yeah!


Oh, yeah!!


This man was fine!


Sho’nuff!!!





But, really, what’s with the karate guys topping this list? Maybe I just like the heroes?


BTW, have you seen Taimak recently?



For the ladies…








Christopher Reeves



Yeah, I did have a hero thing going on. I think I totally bought that Knight in Shining Armor theme.

I was such a girl.


So tragic about Christopher Reeves. But, alas, we do have his great hotness to reflect on today.











Hans Solo

Because I was not feeling Indiana Jones, but I was totally feeling Hans Solo.

Harrison Ford didn’t exist in my world.














Rick Schroder



Okay, seriously, I was like six.


SIX!!


Give me a break.












El Debarge




Holy cow, I really don’t have any words to explain this. Maybe it was his voice? Or that he was on television? Geez louise, I don’t get it now. I wish I could go back in time and figure out what the heck I was sniffing.












Al B. Sure





Aaa…ahhh…ahhh...Al..B. Sure.


You gotta love a guy who can “rock” a unibrow, right?

Right?








Johnny Depp




So, this was the closest thing to a “bad boy” that goody-two shoes Reese could crush on. Yeah, he was a cutie though. I just knew I could change him.


When I was searching for an old Johnny Depp picture, I found this 21 Jump Street PSA on Youtube.




1-800-COCAINE!!


Really, ya'll know you need the help.












Richard Greico


Bastardized, Johnny Depp replacement. But, his tail was HOTT, so I loved him anyways!!














Alright, so those are my crushes from back in the day. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised how the 80’s weren’t really “the brother’s” decade. But, to be fair, the brother’s totally owned the 90’s (read: PWND!!). Moriss Chestnut, Shemar Moore, DENZEL, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Isaiah Washington, Hill Harper, Tyson!


Whooo!! I need to make a 90’s list now for sure!



Hehehehe, alright, alright. In conclusion I’d just like to thank God that I have another year to try and do something useful with my life.



And also I want to thank God for the hot boys he created for me to gawk at.



Eye candy is really one of the best creations ever!!




© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Go World!

Oh, Alanis. Can you do no wrong? No, no you can't.


Ni hao, everyone. I know I've been gone for a minute. I've been really busy with Life and everything. I don't really have much to say, except that...


IN 54 DAYS I'M GOING TO CHINA!!!



OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!



I'm so excited for this trip. We just received an email from Cosport telling us that our Olympic event tickets (Track and Gold and Bronze Medal Women's B-ball) are on their way. AND, most importantly, I'm done paying for this stupid trip as of last Wednesday! Yes, that's right, I'm no longer poor!



[Reese does happy dance] I'm no longer poor! I'm no longer poor!



Seriously, if you knew how much saving and scrimping had to go into this trip you would feel as sorry for me as you could for a person going to the Beijing Olympics. And let me tell you, you should feel sorry for people like me. People like me have lived a meager existence for 7 months so that they could have the time of their lives for 8 nights. Hopefully, it will be worth it.


Other then that I have absolutely nothing going on in my life right now. Well, besides the fact that I just took a DNA test so that my family could find out where the heck we come from.



Yeah, I know that totally came out of nowhere. Let me explain...



So, a lot of African-Americans are on a quest to find out where their ancestors came from. Unlike everyone else in the known world, Black Americans (and also descendants of slaves in the Caribbean and South America) very rarely can trace their history actually back to Africa. But, don't you know that those egg heads in those science laboratories in those places (I don't know where, don't ask me) have made a genetic test which can trace back the racial and ethnic make-up of your mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, etc. from like a million years ago or something.

So, anyways, my family decided to start tracing our genealogy and thought this test was a good place to start. We (read: ME) bought the test a couple of weeks ago and are now awaiting the results.

Now there's no guarantee that my great, great, great, great, great, super-great grandmother was African. She could have been White or Native American. I've prepared myself for the various results that could happen (Lisa is convinced that I'm white). I figure that my reaction will likely range from...


"What the hell?!? My granny was Irish?!? I don't even like beer!!"


to...


"Oh, yeah! I knew I was Native American. That's why I got these high cheek bones. Where's the Bureau of Indian Affairs? When do I get my casino profits?"


to...


"Matamba! I knew I was a warrior princess in a previous life. I knew it!"



Okay, but seriously whatever the results, it will be cool to find out a little bit of something about my heritage. The DNA test can't tell me if old granny was an artist, or high priestess, or simply a stay at home mom. But, it will tell me where she's from. And, let me tell you, that something is definitely better than nothing.


Of course, I will post the results here as soon as I find out.



But, we all know that I'm a warrior princess. I mean, it's fairly obvious, right?



Right?



Pfsssh! You guys suck. ;p~~~



Laters.

Life

Sometimes life just likes to kick you in the throat. A lot. But, right when you think everything is just really awful, something (I like to call him "God") steps in and works it all out. So, this has been my life for the last four weeks...


Work: People at my job are evidently talking about me. First it was, "I think Reese has the best schedule of anyone in the office. She gets to work from home two days a week during the first week of the pay period. On the second week of the pay period she works one day a week and the other day of the week she's off completely. Wow, what a great schedule!"


Now, all the above is true. What's not true is that I'm the only person in the office with that schedule (and trust me you have to work for it, as I work 9 1/2 hour days). I'm just the only person in the office with that schedule who also possesses a kick-@$$ corner office that everyone else wants. Now, the fact that people were talking about my actual schedule is not what pissed me off. What pissed me off is when the above statement turned into this...


"That witch Reese has the best schedule. She has three days a week off every week! She only works two days a week. The other three days she can do whatever she wants. No one else gets that schedule, so why does Reese get it? I hate her."


The above is NOT true. And worse yet, that turned into this...


"Did you hear? That slacker Reese doesn't do any work on account that she only comes into work one day a week. I hear the administration is going to take disciplinary action!"


Sigh.


You see, I'm not angry because I think the administration is "after" me. The administration knows these are bogus rumors and totally false. What pisses me off is that attorneys, ATTORNEYS, have decided not to find out the actual truth about a situation before forming an opinion. As my friend Egypt told one of these gossip mongers...


"Maybe you should get your facts straight before you start talking about people."


Amen!



Housing: Housing in South Florida sucks. Seriously, I've lived here almost three years and have been on the verge of homelessness each and every year! Now, I'm not going to go into the first two times I was almost homeless (they're long stories and I'm really tired), but this last time was a doozy.

You see, there's this thing called "rent." When you pay this thing called "rent" the lessor is supposed to use at least some of your rent money to pay this thing called the "mortgage."


Say it with me...m-ort-ga-gggggeeeee....


Now, for good, kind, sane people paying the "mortgage" on your property with the rent check from your lessee is not a big deal. But, for the insane it's evidently a tall task to require of a person. Also, the other thing that's a total pain for the insane is letting their lessee know that they do not plan on paying the mortgage anymore and that said lessee should find another place to live. So, insane people just keep taking their leesee's money and let the Broward County Sherriff's Office take care of any messy details like, oh, say, telling the lessee that she's got a limited time to vacate the premises before Wachovia takes possession of the condo she's renting.

Yes, that's right, some people are douches.



China: If I wanted to go to China right now the flight would cost me $500 round trip. The fact that I want to go to China in August, during the Olympics, has increased the same ticket to $1775.

I try not to think about this, or the fact that my hotel costs almost twice that amount. But, when I'm sitting at home (home = the streets) it does start to bug me (bug = aneurysm).


Man, rehashing all of this is really getting me down. But, I initially had a point and that is that something (I like to call him "God") does work things out in the end.


Work: I've stopped caring about people in my office. And started enjoying my view.




Housing: I hustled and found an even better place to live, in a great community. I found an awesome, honest moving company (Flate Rate Movers rocks!) and got a friend to help me move all my stuff out. I moved my whole life and everything I own in one day. Yeah, I'm tired, but I'm enjoying the view from my new terrace.


China: The administration appreciated all of my hard work (yeah, despite the fact that I only work one day a week, go figure) and I got a huge bonus just in time to buy that $1775 plane ticket. So, yeah, now I can officially say that I am definitely going to China. I'll email you a picture of the view of Beijing from my hotel window.


So, yeah, even though life sucks sometimes, things aren't always bad forever. Just remember to enjoy the view when storm starts to clear up.

Okay, yeah, that was seriously cheezy, but it's all I could think of considering how tired I am from moving on Wednesday and getting to work at 6:30am on Thursday. So, you know, give me a break. Dang!

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

"Someone's Going to Get Shagged Tonight!"

Oh, Scary Spice! You're so cheeky!


So CC and I went to see the Spice Girls reunion tour a couple of weeks ago in DC. Yes, THE Spice Girls!


Look, I don't have to defend myself to you. I happen to think the Spice Girls are a ton of fun. They have bright colors and fun songs and I get to act like an idiot and enjoy myself and wear glitter and...



SHUT UP!!



Sigh. Here are some pictures from the concert that I DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND GOING TO SEE!!



You guys totally suck.





PS: March Madness and the Bracket Challenge starts next Sunday (3/16). Get ready to get pummeled! I'm taking the crown this year!

Fierce!

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Does Money Buy Happiness?

I've posted this picture before, but I was just looking at it again and it made me really sad. This was my second grade class picture. Yes, the picture says "Grade 3," but actually it was a gifted class with second and third graders in the same class.

Anyways, the picture made me sad because the kids look sad. There are very few smiling kids. I wonder why that is. Now, I'm not all happy go lucky myself in this picture. But, that's because I was doing my "model" pose. I'm totally serious. I was trying to be cute on purpose.

This picture is particularly sad to me in comparison to the next class picture I have (on my computer anyways)....











Now, I know it's really hard to find me in this picture, but after you stop searching for me, take a look at all the kids. Everyone looks way happier in this picture then the other one. This was my 4th grade class picture when I attended the Calverton School. It was a private school with a whole bunch of rich brats (including the children of author Tom Clancy).

Compared with the other kids, these kids were wealthy and lived in big houses and had horses and crap. Do you think money really brings happiness? The Calverton kids had lots of money and seemed happy in their picture. The Carver kids were poor-to-working class and don't seem nearly as positive. The majority of the kids in the first picture had two parent homes, so it's not that they're not happy because mommy or daddy aren't home.


Hmmmm....



Okay, I'm just rambling. There's really no point to this post. I've looked at my second grade class pic multiple times through the years. But, this is the first time that I looked at it and it made me sad for some reason. Whatever, I don't know. I guess I'm just being weird today.


I think I'll go annoy Lisa to make me feel better. :)




© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Songs of 2007

Can you believe it's the end of the year already?


Furthermore, it's time for my songs of the year. That's right, your definitive list of the Songs of 2007 is right here. Right here!! You need no other list! Rolling Stone? Spin? Who are these entities? They're nobodies!! NOBODIES!!!


Okay, okay, here's the run through...


As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for Ciara's "Get Up" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.





Are you excited?










I know you're excited!











What do you mean you're not excited?!? Do you know what I go through to put this list together?!? It literally takes an entire year! I mean, I literally hear a song, ponder it, and then add it to a draft post that just sits on blogger as a non-post for the entire year. Yes, I have that much dedication!




So, I ask you again...




Are you excited?











Okay, that's better...








Shoot...







I just realized that the song is playing in the background. That totally defeated the purpose of all this hype...









Gawd! I can't do anything right these days. Okay, okay....









Reese's Song of 2007...


















"Typical" by Mute Math





Edit: I shut off Auto-Play. It was getting annoying. lol!







Also check out the video for "Typical." It really has to be one of the best videos of the year. I mean, they actually had to learn how to play and sing their song backwards! Very impressive...









Taking over for K.T. Tunstall's "Eye to the Telescope" as CD of the Year this year is the self-titled CD by Mute Math. I know, it's the first time that a CD of the Year and Song of the Year were by the same artist. We're making history here!!



Okay, okay so the following are the best of the rest. You can go make an awesome playlist now and tell everyone that you owe it all to my genius.


Peace! :D


------------------------------------





"1234" Feist

"(Never Gonna) Steal My Joy" Mandisa

"Apologize" Timbaland

"Calabria" Enur f/t Natasja

"Chaos" Mute Math

"Duffle Bag Boy" Playaz Circle f/t Lil' Wayne

"Fine" Mary J. Blige

"Get it Shawty" Lollyd

"Get me Bodied" Beyonce

"Girlfriend (Remix)" Avril Lavigne & Lil Mama

"Icebox" Omarion

"It's not Over" Daughtry

"Kiss Kiss" Chris Brown

"Kitty Kat" Beyonce

"Like This" Kelly Rowland f/t Eve

"Lip Gloss" Lil Mama

"Make Me Wonder" Maroon 5

"Paralyzer" Finger Eleven

"Promise Ring" Tiffany Evans

"Rockstar" Nickleback

"Sensual Seduction" Snoop Dog

"Shut up and Drive" Rihanna

"So High" Grind Mode

"Stronger" Kanye West

"Tambourine" Eve

"The Way I Are" Timbaland

"This is Why I'm Hot" Mims

"Umbrella" Rihanna

"Whine Up" Kat DeLuna f/t Elephant Man

"You" Lollyd f/t Little Wayne

To Depths Unknown...

December is Colon Cancer Awareness Month…



Well, I’m not sure if that is true. Let me start over…



December is Reese the Law Girl’s Colon Cancer Awareness Month. The reason why is because every December, for the rest of my life, I will be partaking in the wonderful diagnostic/medical screening test called a colonoscopy (and endoscopy).

I love my family, I really do; but, unfortunately, my family has passed on a genetic predisposition to colon cancer. Every one of my family members who has had a colonoscopy has woken up from their general anesthesia haze after the test only to be told by their gastroenterologist that they had some benign tumors called “polyps” somewhere up their digestive tracks. Unfortunately, some family members found out too late that their polyps were malignant and some family members are no longer with us because of those tumors.


Sigh.


In any case, this is not supposed to be a sad post, but a lightly humorous one where I encourage you to not assume that colon cancer is an “old person’s” disease and push you to go get the damn test! Think of this, as a “Guide to a Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy).” I will tell you everything to expect using my First Annual Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy) as the basis to help you through this process.



Tip #1: Find a Really Cool Gastroenterologist


I suggest finding a doctor who entertains you through this “harrowing” experience. My doctor, oh let’s call her Dr. Perfect, is great. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and a perfect butt and makes me feel perfectly insecure as I go through these procedures…


Dr. Perfect [walks into surgical room while I’m desperately trying to get the extra small hospital blanket and surgical pj’s to cover up my less then perfect butt]: “Hi, hun! How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “I’m uncomfortable…”

Dr. Perfect [holding a cappuccino, checking out her perfect butt in the reflective surgical storage locker]: “Aww, everyone is, you’re not alone.”

Reese: “Umm…does everyone have to…ummm…see me…like this…”

Dr. Perfect: “Oh, hun. We are medical professionals. Do you know how many backsides we see in a day?”

Reese: “Thousands?”

Dr. Perfect: “Yes, hun. Thousands.”

“Now take in all that nice oxygen and when you wake up it’ll all be over.”


Reese [losing consciousness and attempting to speak through the mouth guard]:

“If you all talk badly about meee…my subconscious…will…remmmemmbbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”




Now that I think about it, Dr. Perfect isn’t all that entertaining. All she’s good for is making you feel inadequate.


Bitch.



Tip #2: Don’t Make the Mistake of Telling People That you’re Fasting the Day Before


In order to get a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy you can’t eat anything the day before the test. Because I find telling everyone about my medical misadventures “fun,” I stupidly made the mistake of telling my co-workers that I was fasting for a colonoscopy and to keep any and all food away from me. Needless to say they enjoyed messing with me the whole day…


Marcy: “Oh Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Marcy: “The Judge gave me a chocolate cookie. He said not to show it to you. Look at it!”

Reese [attempts to dodge chocolate cookie]: “No! I don’t want to look at it!”

Marcy [shoves cookie in Reese’s face]: “LOOK AT IT!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOO!!!”




Tip #3: Eat Lots of Chicken Broth the Day Before


Okay, you can eat chicken broth during your fast. I suggest Swanson’s Chicken Broth sprinkled with a little season salt. Then, while you’re eating said broth, watch the Food Network and imagine you’re eating the food on the television.


Really, this is the only way to make chicken broth taste good.




Tip #4: Use a Shuttle Service to Pick You Up and Take You Home After the Procedure. Make Sure the Shuttle Driver is Cute to Maximize Your Uncomfortableness.


So, I used a shuttle service to take me to the outpatient surgery center and to take me home afterwards (because of the anesthesia you are not allowed to drive after the colonoscopy). I didn’t count on my shuttle driver being the FIRST HOT GUY I’VE SEEN IN THE TWO YEARS THAT I HAVE LIVED IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!



AND ALSO NOT GAY!!!!!



Hot Guy: “Hola. How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “Ummm…okay…”

Hot Guy [Flirty]: “That is good. That is very good.”

Reese: [uncomfortable]

Hot Guy: “So…oh…is that your cell phone ringing?”

Reese: “Uhh…yeah… [Reese picks up the phone]”

“Ummm…hey, Dad.”


Dad: “Reese! Wazzz upppppp?!?!”

Reese: “Dad, can I call you back later…I have to go…”

Dad: “Where you going?”

Reese: “Ummm…to see my doctor…”

Dad: “You sick or something?”

Reese: “Ummm…no…I just have to get a little test, you know?”

Dad: “What kind of test?”


[Hot Guy Looks at Reese and is Totally Eavesdropping]


Reese [embarrassed, whispers]: “ *a test*…”

Dad: “What KIND of test?!? Are you dying or something?”

Reese [testily whispers]: “ *no Dad!*…”

Dad: “Then what KIND of test?!?”

Reese [talks under breath]: “…a colonoscopy…”

Dad: “What?!?”

Reese: “I’LL TEXT MESSAGE IT TO YOU!!”

Dad: “No, that costs too much money! That’s how they get you!”

Reese: “DAD!!”

Dad: “Are you pregnant?”

Reese: “IT’S A COLONOSCOPY, OKAY!! A COLONOSCOPY!!!”


Hot Guy: [totally weirded out]


Reese [slaps forehead]: “Awww, man…”

Dad: “A colonoscopy, eh?!? That’s your mother’s fault! She passed that on to you. It didn’t come from MY side of the family!”

Reese: “Okay, dad…”



Tip #5: When all Else Fails, Find Humor in Your Fellow Same Day Surgery Patients


The great thing about going to an outpatient/same day surgery center is that you get to be in one big room observing everyone else wake up from general anesthesia. For example, some people wake up confused…



Nurse: “Hello, Mr. Smith. Are you awake now?”

Mr. Smith: “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?! DID I HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT?!? WHAT’S GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?!?!?”



And some people wake up depressed…



Nurse: “Hello, Ms. Jones. Are you awake now?”

Ms. Jones [weeping]: “OH MY GAWWWDDD!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Nurse: “Ms. Jones it’s okay. You just got out of surgery…”

Ms. Jones [crying profusely]: “WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Nurse [sympathetic]: “Ms. Jones, why are you crying?”

Ms. Jones [crying, sniffling]: “I…DON’T….KNOW…I’M JUST…SO…SAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD…”




And, of course, there’s my reaction…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse [totally spooked]: “Ummm…no…”

Reese: “Okay…good then…”

“I’m going back to sleep now…”




5 minutes later…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse: “What?? No…I just told you “no” 5 minutes ago…”

Reese: “Oh…okay…good then…”

“Can I have some more of that anesthesia so I can go back to sleep?”

Nurse: “NO! WAKE UP!!”

Reese [disappointed]: “Ohhh-kaayyy…”



Really, the anesthesia is the best part.




Okay, well, I’m certain that my guide to colonoscopy/endoscopy has totally sold you on getting your very own little colonoscopy/endoscopy in the near future. Really and truly, although the process can be a bit uncomfortable, it’s for the best. If I hadn’t gone then perhaps the little tumor Dr. Perfect found in my colon area, and destroyed while she was in there, would have turned into cancer and then I’d be writing about why I should have had the test a long time ago.

If you have health insurance, use it and get the test done. If you don’t have health insurance or your health insurance won’t let you get the test because you’re too young, find out how much a colonoscopy cost in your area, save your money and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF! It’s that important!


Get it done now. It’ll be an adventure and you’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief later on.



Peace and Good Health! :)






© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Year of the 30: July

July 6, 2007: 9:00pm


Dear Diary,


Well, it’s about to happen. The inevitable. I’m turning 30!

The last time I wrote you it was 1997 and I was just minutes away from turning 20. This time it’s 2007 and I’m hours away from turning 30. I would stay up until midnight like I did last time, but I’m too tired to do something like that.

Yes, that’s right- I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m old. But, that’s life, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

You know, surprisingly I’m not that torn up about turning 30. I feel like it’s just my time, you know?

No, I do not think I’m dying. I’m just okay with moving into my 3rd decade. I understand that I’m not a young kid anymore. I mean, for one thing, I now get old people’s diseases.

The last week of my twenties will forever be remembered for the first time that I experienced vertigo. No, I don’t mean dizziness from going on some insane ride at King’s Dominion. I mean real vertigo. Or, scientifically speaking, benign positional vertigo disorder.

What are the symptoms, you ask? Well, I get up from bed and, basically, the room starts spinning. I lay my head to the side and the room starts spinning. I breathe and the room starts spinning.

The doctors say I had some sort of viral ear infection. But, I know the truth. I’m just getting old. My body is just breaking down. I guess I’m going to have to get used to my body failing me- you know, now that I’m an old person. It’s a kind of shocking thing to get used too though…


But...


...actually…


…to tell you the truth…


…now that I think about it…


…I take that back!!


My body has always failed me!


Stupid body!!


If I can recall correctly, the last 30 years has been nothing but my body failing me...



Birth

Doctor: “Your daughter is going to have to get an eye surgery at some point in the future.”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby!?!?!?!”

Doctor: “Her right eyelid is way too low. It’s not that big of a deal actually…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



4 Years Later…

Reese: “Oh, look it’s my old stroller. I’m going to climb into it… backwards.”

CRASH!!!

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



3 Years Later…

Reese: “pdpfdjlfkdfjkdjfdkjfdkjfdkfjdkfjdkjkfdjfkdjd…”

Doctor: “Ma’am…your daughter is very sick…”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby?!?!”

Doctor: “Your daughter has…”


[hold for dramatic pause]


Doctor: “Hawaiian Fever…fever…fever…fever…”

Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Mom: “Ummm…what is that, actually? I mean, Reese has never been to Hawaii!”

Doctor: “It’s a foreign strand of flu. Your daughter probably caught it from the Navy brats she goes to school with.”

Reese: “ pdfjdkdpdpdjdkdkdjdjdjdkdopdpdklddodop…”

Doctor [looks at Reese strangely]: “Yes…she’s…very…ill…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



5 Years Later…

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Mom [runs into the room- with her eyes closed]: “Okay, Reese. I’m going to open my eyes right now…”

Reese [makes noises like she’s struggling with something]

Mom: “…and when I open my eyes you’re not going to be very ill or require some sort of surgery or stitches…”

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom [eyes still closed]: “Sigh. How bad is it?”

Reese: “IT’S BAD!! IT’S BAD!!”

Mom: “Tell me what it is before I open my eyes, so I can prepare myself.”

Reese: “Well…”

Mom: “Yes…”

Reese: “I THINK I BROKE MY NECK!!!”

Mom: “WHAT?!?”


Reese's mom opens her eyes to find Reese in her bed with Reese’s head completely tilted to the right, sitting on top of her shoulder…

Reese is unable to move her neck.

At all.


Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Reese: “MY NECK WON’T MOVE!!! IT WON’T MOVE!!! IT’S…”

Mom: [inhales deeply]

Reese: “BROKEN!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!!”



2 Years Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



1 Month Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My, baby.”



1 Week Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My…my…my, I’m really getting sick of this.”



1 Minute Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My Stupid CLUMSY DAUGHTER!!!”




3 Years Later…

CC [calls Mom at work]: “MOM!!!”

Mom: “Sigh. Reese fell down again?”

CC: “Mom you have to come quick! SHE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!”

Mom: “CC, you’re a newcomer to this. I’ll take her to the doctor tomorrow.”

CC: “SHE CUT OFF HER FINGER!!!”

Mom: “What??”

Reese: “I NEED GAUZE BANDAGES, STAT!!!”

CC: “WE DON’T HAVE GAUZE BANDAGES!!!”

Reese: “I NEED SOMETHING TO STOP THE BLEEDING!!!”

Mom: “WHAT’S GOING ON??”

CC: “HERE- TAKE MY SOCK!!!”

Reese: “YOU WERE JUST WEARING THAT SOCK!!!”

CC: “WELL… I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!!!”

Mom: “I’M ON MY WAY!!!”

Reese: “GET ME A TOWEL OR WASH CLOTH OR SOMETHING!!!”

CC: “OKAY…”

Reese: “AND MAKE SURE IT’S CLEAN!!!”

Mom: [running]

Mom’s Boss: “Opal, where are you going?”

Mom: “IT’S…IT’S…MY BABY!!!”




Hahahaha…good times. Good times.

You know, the finger incident story continues with my mom desperately trying to clean up the blood from the kitchen floor with bleach before she actually takes me to the hospital. The story ends with a blood splatter in my doctor’s face and my mother trying to ease his worries by letting him and the whole hospital know that I didn’t have any diseases as I was a virgin.


Yeah...I would write more about that, but now that I think about it, it was an incredibly embarrassing incident and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.


So, anyways…where were we? Ah, yes! I’m old and my body has always failed me.

Sometimes I wonder if my incredible bad luck is on account of my very unique birthday: 7/7/77. I mean everyone is having a stroke because Saturday is 7/7/07. But, that really doesn't mean anything. I mean, I have four sevens! And it hasn't done anything for me. Hard work and preserverence are the only things that will get you anywhere- not a fluke day.

I say that, but of course the 6 other girls who were born in the same hospital as me on 7/7/77 are probably millionaires who make out with Orlando Bloom.


Witches.


It’s okay though. Really it is. I mean I've done some stuff. I persevered going to school with clan members. I graduated from evil genius high school. I went to college, went to law school, took the bar, started a blog, and lived in two crappy states. That’s something to be proud of…right?


Okay, now I admit I haven’t made much progress on the “man” front. But, I wasn’t really focused on that the last ten years. I was more focused on myself. I would be kind of depressed about that, but most women today are single from what I hear so I’m in good company.


What, else? What else? Hmmmm…


Hmph! Actually, that’s about it.


No crying. No gnashing of the teeth. No desperation. I’m actually cool with this. So, tomorrow I’ll drink some Smirnoff and eat some Ben and Jerry’s and reflect on how cool I am.


Anyways, I guess that’s it. I’ll be talking to you again in ten years. If all goes well, by then, you’ll be the diary of a judge.

And I’ll be writing about my second car break-up.

For my third car marriage, I’m thinking…a pink mini-cooper.


Sweet.


Peace!



xxx Reese the Law Girl xxx




© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Year of the 30: June

My mom came to visit me and accidentally broke Vicky4. I can’t do any updates until I get her back and we all know how reliable the House of Best Buy is, so she probably won’t be back until the highlight moment of the Year of the 30 (that would be me turning 30 in a couple of weeks).


Sigh.


See you in a few weeks. :(

Year of the 30: April

About the song...well, I was watching I Love the 80’s.


So, I know I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. It’s really not my fault. I’m just really, really lazy.

Okay, so below you’ll see the final results of the SD Bracket Challenge. As you’ll see, I lost. I lost miserably. Although I was in first place the entire tournament going into the Final Four, I lost. All because Georgetown didn’t do its job and win the championship. One team lost me the bracket challenge. One team!

Well, I think that’s totally unfair and I expect, EXPECT, all of you to write to Sports Illustrated and insist that it change its bracket challenge rules to ensure that such an injustice never happens again!



Seriously…get to work!



Okay, okay, so check this out. In this month of the Year of the 30 I went to see an allergist. Yes, after almost 13 years of having allergic reactions every time I eat seafood and pineapples, I finally went to see an allergist…



Dr. Lopez: “I hope you’re not here so I can cure you. I don’t do that.”

Reese: “Well, duh, I’m not stupid!”

Reese note to self: allergists don’t cure allergies.


Reese: “Actually, I’m here to get an official diagnosis and to find out how bad my allergies are.”

Dr. Lopez: “Okay, we can do that. So, take off your clothes and lie on the bed.”

Reese: “Wait a minute! This isn’t the koodies doctor! I don’t have to get naked here!”

Dr. Lopez [heavy sigh]: “I can see we’re going to have issues with you, huh?”

Reese: “I don’t get naked for non-koodies doctors! I don’t get naked for koodies doctors!”

Dr. Lopez: “Ms. Law Girl, please. We have to do a back skin test to determine what you’re allergic too. It’s standard procedure and if you want an official diagnosis you’re going to have to get the test.”

Reese: “Oh, oh, well. Okay.”


So, I put on the stupid gown and the doctor and the nurse come back in with trays, upon trays of strange liquids. Now, I’m not stupid enough not to know what a skin test is. I knew it involved pricking of some sorts. Actually, I really tried not to focus on it too much. I just figured it would be mildly uncomfortable, not, well…



Reese: “HOLY CRAP THAT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Nurse: “Please keep still, Ms. Law Girl.”

Reese: “OWWWWWWWWWW, OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “If you think about something else, it won’t hurt so much. Let’s do some small talk. So, what do you do for a living, Reese?”

Reese: “Ummmm…OWWWWWWW…ehhhh…Ummmm…”

Dr. Lopez: “You don’t know what you do for a living?”

Reese: “Well…ummm…ARRRGHHHH…well, doctors sometimes get a little nervous…ummm…AGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!...about my job…”

Dr. Lopez: “The only people that make doctors nervous are lawyers. You’re not a lawyer are you?”

Reese [looks at Dr. Lopez and her imposing needles]: “No, no, of course not. Ummm…the government…I work for the government.”

Dr. Lopez [laughs]: “Oh, I get it. The IRS.”

Reese: “Ummm, well…OW OW OW OW…”

Dr. Lopez: “Well, the IRS doesn’t scare me. I’m perfectly honest on all of my tax returns.”

Reese: “Yes, I’m sure…HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA…I’m sure you’re perfect with your taxes and all.”

Dr. Lopez: “Since you’re with the IRS, maybe you could answer some tax questions for me…”

Reese [nervous]: “Ehhh, hehehe well…I’m really not allowed too…OWWWWWWWWIIIEEEEE…give advice…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, ethical concerns, huh?”

Reese [still nervous]: “Ummm…you could say that…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, but you can answer just one question…”

Reese: “Ummm, Dr. Lopez how many more of these do we have to do?”

Dr. Lopez: “About 30.”

Reese: “OH GODDDDDD!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “Now, am I allowed to deduct occupational expenses from a professional corporation related to items usually found on the [insert Charlie Brown teacher speak- wah wah wah wah wah wah]”

Reese [in pain, itching, and thinking to herself]: “Why, why did I decide to do this to myself?!?”



Anyways, after twenty minutes of itching from hell and dodging tax questions, I learned that I have a severe allergy to pineapples and a “maybe” allergy to seafood. Except that the test isn’t conclusive and based on previous reactions we know that I really do have a severe allergy to seafood. Anyways, now I have to carry around a handy dose of epinephrine everywhere I go, you know, so’s I don’t die. And, as it turns out, it’s a good thing that I got my new “epi-pen” because next week I’m going to San Francisco for work- and we all know how SanFran is a seafood mecca.

Anyways, yes, I, Reese the Law Girl, the girl who said she would never step foot in California due to her incredible phobia of earthquakes and unstoppable bad luck, is going to San Francisco. I’m actually going into this trip with optimism that I’ll have a good time and the Big One won’t hit Cali while I’m there.



Yeah…



Pray for me.



Seriously ya’ll, I’m scared. Pray for me.



-------------------------------

Final Standings of SD Bracket Challenge


1. Better Luck Next Year [formerly Team Lewis], 154 pts.

2. Team McC, 137 pts.

3. AntiPimp w/o a Golfclub, 134 pts.

4. TEAM BIG BOY, 131 pts.

5. This is Why I'm Hot, 120 pts. (but, I got the most picks right of anyone- 52!! Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna brag about something!)

6. The Jones Factor, 103 pts.

7. AkronGotScrewed, 87 pts.

8. Team Playboy, 80 pts.

9. 1st Name was a Curse (This was "The Winner" aka "Lisa"), 70 pts.

10. Haven'tWatchedaGameYet, 69 pts.

11. The Legendary Sannin, 65 pts.

12. Team Desiree, 55 pts.

13. The Flossy Flossy, 0 pts.





© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Year of the 30: February

Lucky for the rest of the world that I've calmed down a bit. Not completely, but I’m not so mad at the world...right now. There are several reasons why…


Reason #1: Reese had a half-way decent Valentine’s Day

A boy actually sent me flowers. AND, he sent me tulips which are my favorite AND he didn’t even know that tulips were my favorite. He just figured that they “suited” me.


Wow.


I have nothing else to say about that, other than I was very much impressed.



Reason #2: Reese is buying a new car

I’m sick of the Dodge’s persistent attempts to overthrow me! I’ve had it and in the next couple of months I will be purchasing a new (Read: New, not Used) car.

Since I’m all about gas mileage and safety, the current frontrunners are the Honda Fit and the Scion Xa. I’m currently leaning towards the Scion Xa because I can personalize it “Reese style” (Read: LED Illuminations and Red and Black interior accents).



Reason #3: Reese’s Ultra Cool Work Schedule

I only have to go to work four days a week. One Friday of the week I work at home. The other Friday I’m just off and can do whatever I want.

Sweet.



Reason #4: Naruto is back.

I’m not even going to explain this, but if you know about Naruto then you know what I’m talking about.



Anyhoo, I haven’t done any great writing recently. Today, I really am going to refine my outline so I know where I’m going in my story.


At this rate, I anticipate that I’ll finish this book around 2015.


Feel free to “booo" me if you want.