Thursday, March 31, 2005

Work in Progress

[Reese writing furiously...]:





HAHAHAHAHA! This is bloody brilliant!! I mean, this has to be the funniest thing I have ever written...

OH MY GOD! I can't believe there's an Ancient Chinese Master in this story!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Man, wait to everyone reads this....


A New Series from Reese the Law Girl....


© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved. (Well, I certainly hope I can live up to all of this hype. ;))

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Goodbye, Johnnie

Well, in case you don't watch the news, attorney Johnnie Cochran died on Tuesday at the age of 67.

I know that many people will always "blame" him for O.J. getting off, but I don't care. I've always had so much admiration for Johnnie Cochran. He was an AWESOME attorney. I always hoped that maybe someday, somehow I could work with him. I wish I had gotten that chance.

Anyways, I'm posting the following article because I think it gives an excellent accounting of this man, his craft, and all of the work he did to benefit the African-American community. My small, little tribute to a great attorney.


The Associated Press
Updated: 9:44 a.m. ET March 30, 2005

Los Angeles - Johnnie L. Cochran Jr., who became a legal superstar after helping clear O.J. Simpson during a sensational murder trial in which he uttered the famous quote “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” died Tuesday. He was 67.

Cochran died of a brain tumor at his home in Los Angeles, his family said.

“Certainly, Johnnie’s career will be noted as one marked by celebrity cases and clientele,” the family said in a statement. “But he and his family were most proud of the work he did on behalf of those in the community.”

With his colorful suits and ties, his gift for courtroom oratory and a knack for coining memorable phrases, Cochran was a vivid addition to the pantheon of great American barristers.

Drama in the courtroom

His catchphrase in the Simpson trial, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” would be quoted and parodied for years. It derived from a dramatic moment during which Simpson tried on a pair of bloodstained “murder gloves” to show jurors they did not fit. Some legal experts called it the turning point in the trial.

Soon after, jurors found the Hall of Fame football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman.

Attorney Alan Dershowitz, who worked with Cochran on the Simpson criminal case, called him a great lawyer.

"He was such a young and vibrant man," Dershowitz said. "He turned his victory in the O.J. Simpson case into an effort to do a lot of good for poor people."

Simpson, reached at his home in Florida, praised Cochran, saying “I don’t think I’d be home today without Johnnie.”

He said other members of his defense team also deserved credit for his acquittal, but added: “Without Johnnie running the ball, I don’t think there’s a lawyer in the world that could have run that ball. I was innocent, but he believed it.”

For Cochran, Simpson’s acquittal was the crowning achievement in a career notable for victories, often in cases with racial themes. He was a black man known for championing the causes of black defendants. Some of them, like Simpson, were famous, but more often than not they were unknowns.

Celebrities, and unknown clients

“The clients I’ve cared about the most are the No Js, the ones who nobody knows,” said Cochran, who proudly displayed copies in his office of the multimillion-dollar checks he won for ordinary citizens who said they were abused by police.

“People in New York and Los Angeles, especially mothers in the African-American community, are more afraid of the police injuring or killing their children than they are of muggers on the corner,” he once said.

By the time Simpson called, the byword in the black community for defendants facing serious charges was: “Get Johnnie.”

Over the years, Cochran represented football great Jim Brown on rape and assault charges, actor Todd Bridges on attempted murder charges, rapper Tupac Shakur on a weapons charge and rapper Snoop Dogg on a murder charge.

Headline-grabbing cases

He also represented former Black Panther Elmer “Geronimo” Pratt, who spent 27 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. When Cochran helped Pratt win his freedom in 1997, he called the moment “the happiest day of my life practicing law.”

He won a $760,000 award in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the family of Ron Settles, a black college football star who died in police custody in 1981. Cochran challenged police claims that Settles hanged himself in jail after a speeding arrest. The player’s body was exhumed, an autopsy performed and it revealed Settles had been choked.

His clients also included Haitian immigrant Abner Louima, who was tortured by New York police, and Tyisha Miller, a 19-year-old black woman shot to death by Riverside police who said she reached for a gun on her lap when they broke her car window in an effort to disarm her.

Earlier in his legal career, when serving as as an assistant city attorney, Cochran unsuccessfully prosecuted comedian Lenny Bruce on obscenity charges.

But the attention he received from all of those cases didn’t come remotely close to the fame the Simpson case brought him.

Celebrity in his own right

After Simpson’s acquittal, Cochran appeared on countless TV talk shows, was awarded his own Court TV show, traveled the world over giving speeches, and was endlessly parodied in films and on such TV shows as “Seinfeld” and “South Park.”

In “Lethal Weapon 4,” comedian Chris Rock plays a policeman who advises a criminal suspect he has a right to an attorney, then warns him: “If you get Johnnie Cochran, I’ll kill you.”

The flamboyant Cochran enjoyed that parody so much he even quoted it in his autobiography, “A Lawyer’s Life.”

“It was fun. At times it was a lot of fun,” he said of the lampooning he received. “And I knew that accepting it good-naturedly, even participating in it, helped soothe some of the angry feelings from the Simpson case.”

Indeed, the verdict had done more than just divide the country along racial lines, with most blacks believing Simpson was innocent and most whites certain he was guilty. It also left many of those certain of Simpson’s guilt furious at Cochran, the leader of a so-called “Dream Team” of expensive celebrity lawyers that included F. Lee Bailey, Robert Shapiro, Barry Scheck and Peter Neufeld.

But in legal circles, the verdict represented the pinnacle of success for a respected attorney who had toiled in the Los Angeles legal profession for three decades.

His rise through the ranks

Born in Shreveport, La., the great-grandson of slaves, grandson of a sharecropper and son of an insurance salesman, Cochran came to Los Angeles with his family in 1949. In the 1950s, he became one of two dozen black students integrated into Los Angeles High School.

Even as a child, he had loved to argue, and in high school he excelled in debate.

He came to idolize Thurgood Marshall, the attorney who persuaded the U.S. Supreme Court to outlaw school segregation in the 1954 Brown vs. Board of Education decision and who would eventually become the Supreme Court’s first black justice.

“I didn’t know too much about what a lawyer did, or how he worked, but I knew that if one man could cause this great stir, then the law must be a wondrous thing,” Cochran said in his book. “I read everything I could find about Thurgood Marshall and confirmed that a single dedicated man could use the law to change society.”

After graduating from UCLA, Cochran earned a law degree from Loyola University. He spent two years in the Los Angeles city attorney’s office before establishing his own practice.

He briefly became a special assistant to the Los Angeles County district attorney in the 1970s, setting up a unit to prosecute domestic violence cases.

After returning to private practice, Cochran built his firm into a personal injury giant with more than 100 lawyers and offices around the country.

Private person

Flamboyant in public, he kept his private life shrouded in secrecy, and when some of those secrets became public following a 1978 divorce, they were startling.

His first marriage, to his college sweetheart, Barbara Berry, produced two daughters, Melodie and Tiffany. During their divorce, it came to light that for 10 years Cochran had secretly maintained a “second family,” which included a son.

When that relationship soured, his mistress, Patricia Sikora, sued him for palimony and the case was settled privately in 2004.

Although he frequently took police departments on in court, Cochran denied being anti-police and supported the decision of his only son, Jonathan, to join the California Highway Patrol.

He counted among his closest friends Los Angeles City Councilman Bernard Parks, the city’s former police chief, and the late Mayor Tom Bradley, who had been a Los Angeles police lieutenant before going into politics.

But in the Simpson case, Cochran turned the murder trial into an indictment of the Police Department, suggesting officers planted evidence in an effort to frame the former football star because he was a black celebrity.

Beloved in the black community

By the time Simpson was acquitted, Cochran and co-counsel Shapiro were on the outs. Shapiro, who is white, had accused Cochran of playing the race card and of dealing it “from the bottom of the deck.”

Simpson, meanwhile, was held liable for the killings following a 1997 civil trial and ordered to pay the Brown and Goldman families $33.5 million in restitution. Cochran didn’t represent him in that case.

After Simpson, Cochran stepped out of the criminal trial arena, concentrating instead on civil matters. For a time, he represented high-profile athletes and music stars in contract matters.

He remained a beloved figure in the black community, admired as a lawyer who was relentless in his pursuit of justice and as a philanthropist who helped fund a UCLA scholarship, a low-income housing complex and a New Jersey legal academy, among other charitable endeavors.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

To Be or Not to Be- I Need Some Advice

Well, this is just spiffy.

Okay, I went to see Dr. CMED on Saturday. I was sitting in the chair and we were going through the prerequisite small talk. He asked me how was work. I said it was horrible, but that that was okay because it was paying for my vacation in the desert. He laughed and said I was, "sooo funny." For a while, that made me feel all good inside. But, then, this happened...

Dr. CMED: "Okay, we're all done here."

Reese [getting up slowly from the chair]: "Okay..."

Dr. CMED: "Awww, look at you- you poor little thing."

[Sound of car breaks screeching on the pavement]


Inside the Part of Reese That Thinks Dr. CMED is Cute: "NOOOOOO!!! NO! NO! NO! This can't be right."

Inside Reese's Brain: "Men do not say "poor little thing." This is clearly gay."

Inside the Part of Reese That Thinks Dr. CMED is Cute: "No, anything but that. Please, not that that! Please!"

Inside Reese's Brain: "Sorry, he's playing for the other team. Get over it."

Inside the Part of Reese That Thinks Dr. CMED is Cute: "Oh, Damn it! Damn it! I can't believe this $%&#. This so freakin' unfair. This is bull..."

Do I really need to keep going?

Why? Why, did my gay-dar have to go off?

So, do you guys think this assesement is wrong? Do you think I have cause for my gay-dar to go off? If you heard it, it did sound really gay.

So, anyways, tell me what you think.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Lisa's Little Big House

As we all know, our very own Lisa is an Assistant District Attorney. Thus, the question begs to be asked- what's the longest amount of time Lisa has sent someone to prison?

I'll update Lisa's Little Big House every time Lisa breaks her record.

As of March 29, 2005, Lisa has put someone in prison for....

15 Years!!!

The crime....

Armed Robbery!!

Alright, there you have it. Let's all give a round of applause to Lisa- keeping our streets safe from the poor and indigent 24/7. ;)

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, March 28, 2005

What The...??

ETonline: Who's Your Celebrity Soulmate?

I can't believe my celebrity soul mate is Jamie Foxx. I mean, he's cool and all, but I KNOW my celebrity soul mate is Orlando Bloom. Or Brad Pitt. Or Leonardo DiCaprio. Also, Shemar Moore and the Rock are also my celebrity soul mates. But, Jamie Foxx? Really??

Reese Lesson #2: Never Get Blood in Your Eye

Can I catch a break? I mean really!!

I went to the eye doctor (who is not cute, by the way) on Friday...

Dr. Bad News Eye Doctor (Dr. BNED): "Hmmm, that's interesting..."

Reese: "What? What's interesting?"

Dr. BNED: "You said your contacts have been irritating you, right?"

Reese: "Uh-huh..."

Dr. BNED: "Well, it looks like there is a little blood seeping into the lens of your eye."

Reese: "WHAT!"

Dr. BNED: "It's not that bad actually..."

Reese: "WHAT! What do you mean there's blood in my eye?!?! What the hell does that mean!?!?"

Dr. BNED: "If you'll calm down..."

Reese: "I'm not going to calm down!! You're telling me that I'm going blind..."

Dr. BNED: "I never said..."

Reese: "Oh, my God! I knew this was going to happen! I knew it! All these years, I've been getting my eyes checked, I knew, I KNEW, that one day my eye doctor was going to say that I'm going blind..."

Dr. BNED: "You are not going blind..."

Reese: "Oh, my God! I can't believe this. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! Is there a pet shop around here- I'm going to need a German Shepard!"

Dr. BNED: "No, if you'll just listen..."

Reese: "Oh, my God! This is all because of my stupid birthday. I'm jinxed I tell you. JINXED!"

Dr. BNED: "Just for my own amusement, I'd actually like to hear you elaborate on this..."

Reese: "It's my birthday! On the same day I was born this lady, who was an accessory to Abraham Lincoln's assassination, well she was hung, HUNG, for her crimes on my birthday!"

Dr. BNED: "Mary Surrat! Mary Surrat was hung on your birthday?"

Reese: "YES!"

Dr. BNED: "Wow. You really are jinxed."

Reese: "See what I mean?!?"

Dr. BNED: "Okay, if you'll just calm down. You are NOT going blind, okay?"

Reese: "Uh-huh..."

Dr. BNED: "You are not going to need a German Shepard."

Reese: "Uh-huh..."

Dr. BNED: "I think what has happened is that we need to switch you to a new brand of contacts. That's all. This brand isn't working with your eyes, thus the eye has become inflamed."

Reese: "My eyeball is inflamed?"

Dr. BNED: "Yes...the...inside...of the eye."

Reese: "Uh-huh..."

Dr. BNED: "Just a little inflamed. You'll be fine in a couple of days. In the meantime, use these eyedrops and don't wear your contacts."

Reese: "Don't wear my contacts?!?! But, I have a dental appointment with my cute, Middle-Eastern dentist tomorrow! I can't wear glasses! I would have already humiliated myself before I walked in the door!"

Dr. BNED: "Well, you have two choices: wear your glasses and humiliate yourself or wear your contacts and risk further damage to your eye."

Reese: "Fine! FINE! I'll wear the stupid glasses."

Dr. BNED: "Good. Come back on Monday and we'll see how your eye is doing."

Reese: "Fine. And, I hope you're happy by the way."

Dr. BNED: "Why would I be happy?"

Reese: "Because of your "diagnosis" now Dr. CMED gets to see me in my glasses and he'll never whisk me away on a dream vacation to Vegas."

Dr. BNED: "Reese, was Dr. CMED ever going to whisk you away anywhere?"

Reese: "Fine! FINE! So, I'm a little delusional..."

Dr. BNED: "A little?"

Reese: "Fine! FINE! So, I'm a lot delusional."

Dr. BNED: "Exactly. See you Monday."

Reese: "Whatever."

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Damn You March Madness!!

DISCLAIMER: The following post contains explicit language. Please read at your own risk!

Damn it!!!

Damn it, Damn it, Damn it!!

I @#^%&*^ hate the tourney!

Damn it!

Oklahoma State, Wakeforest, and Syracuse you're all a bunch of bastards!!


Damn it!!

@!#$%^* Bastards!

*&^%$#@ screwed up my bracket!!!

You damn Bastards!!


Thursday, March 24, 2005

Ask Reese

I've noticed that I've been giving out a lot of advice recently. These people, seem to actually listen to what I have to say. Then, they actually employ my advice. To their benefit or detriment. I don't know, nor do I care. The important thing here, is that people are listening to me. It makes me feel good.

So, I thought that I would start something new. It's called Ask Reese. This is what you do-

If you have a problem, theory, question whatever that needs an answer, you ask me about it by e-mailing me at

The best letters (aka, the problems that I can solve) will be featured periodically on this blog along with my advice/response.

Wow. This is going to be so cool. Millions...



Okay, a couple of people are going to be roaming the Earth spouting my philosophies. Super awesome!

PS: Of course, once your letter is submitted to me, I own it! Copyright and all. Just thought you should know. ;)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Introducing My New Imaginary Boyfriend

Okay, so ever since I decided that I actually am going to this retreat in the desert this spring, I've been having these weird dreams where I meet this totally hot Native American guy. He's really hot! And, sense he's been consistently in my dreams for the last few days, I thought I'd introduce you to him.

Okay, he's got long black hair (which is really weird because I'm generally not into guys with long hair). He's about 6 feet tall. And he's got this like golden brown skin and these big brown eyes. And, he's got abs of steel (I know because he's always walking around without his shirt on).

He works at the stable with the horses at the resort I'm going too. That's where we met- when I went horseback riding with him on my vacation in the future.

Okay, and he's like the perfect boyfriend. He's smart, and funny (unlike me at the present moment), and he's rich. His tribe owns a casino.

Plus, he's a fan of Maryland basketball. I know because he told me. He said, "You know I've always hated Duke. And, sense Maryland is the only team that can really compete with Duke, I always root for Maryland."


I mean, does it get much better than that?

Anyways, it got kind of weird with him always taking me out to places and I didn't know what to call him. So...umm...

I named him.

Yes, I named him! It's perfectly normal to name your imaginary boyfriend.

Okay, so don't laugh...

His name is Jacob.

Jacob Blackhawk.

I named him Jacob Blackhawk because "Jacob" is more contemporary and "Blackhawk" is definitely Native Americany.

Also, because I'm super lame.

Yea, so anyways, I just thought you should know that I'm okay without the funny. I've got Jacob and he's waaaayyyy better than the funny.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

This Just In: A Format Change

Now that the funny and I broke up, I thought you should know that I'm changing the format of this blog.

From now on, I will not be writing about funny things. I will just write. Probably about my boring life. Thus, this will become a boring blog.

You may want to cancel your Bloglet subscriptions.

No, wait! Scratch that.

Don't cancel your bloglet subscriptions. I like going there and seeing my blog increase in the rankings. It's entertaining for me.

Okay, don't cancel your Bloglet subscriptions, but don't expect me and the funny to get back together again. It really is over. I can't say that our break-up was mutual, but I am moving on with my life.

Just thought you should know.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

It's Gone!

I’ve lost it.

I’ve lost the funny.

Where did it go?

I’ve been looking for it for a couple of weeks.

And, I swear it’s missing.

So, for the last few weeks, I’ve been writing stuff only to stop halfway through. There was the article about “The Problem with Reese” only I stopped writing it because it was stupid. Then, there was the article about “Stumbling Your Way Through Life,” that was way too serious. Then, I started this new series about my trials and tribulations in law school, but I gave up because it sounded like a book and I don’t know how to write a book.

Oh, man!

It’s gone.

The funny is gone.

I’m not going to post anything else until I find the funny. Or, alternatively, find out how or why I lost the funny.

If you need me, I’ll be watching basketball.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.
(I can’t believe I’m actually posting a copyright notice on this! What the freak am I on?)

Thursday, March 17, 2005

"We Mustn't Dwell... No, Not Today. We CAN'T. Not on..."

March Madness Day!!

It's here! It's here! It's here!

Today! Today! Today!

It's here!


March Madness!!

Happy March Madness!!

Just thought you should know. ;)

[Title borrowed from the most excellent movie, Empire Records]

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

How To Fill Out Your Bracket

Okay, so it’s time to select your bracket picks. As I’m an expert at picking out brackets (and have won 0 bracket challenges), I thought I’d give you some tips for when you fill out your brackets.

First, you must repress all basketball knowledge. If you know anything about college basketball, you must find a way to forget it. It’s of absolutely no use to you in the bracket challenge. You will lose the challenge if you rely on basketball knowledge. The reason why? Irony- pure and simple. Here are some suggestions to getting rid of the basketball knowledge that you do have:

* Hit yourself in the head with a bat.
* Bang your head on your desk.
* Run, head first, into the wall.
* Go back in time and tell your past self not to watch any basketball this season.

Now, if you’re finding it difficult to get rid of your basketball knowledge (as in, you have a concussion and short-term memory loss, but still plenty of basketball knowledge) do not despair. There is hope for you yet. Do one of the following and you still might get second place:

1. Have your dog fill out your brackets: First, sit down with your dog. Then, say a team’s name to your dog. If he looks up to you in confusion, pick that team. If he growls or wags his tail, do not pick that team. By employing this method, you maximize the appropriate amount of randomness needed to beat my little sister in the bracket challenge.

* NOTE: You may substitute other pets instead of using a dog. For example, if you say Kentucky, and your goldfish swims to the left, then pick Kentucky. If you say Duke, and your goldfish swims to the right, DON’T pick Duke. Please be aware that you can never use cats with this tip. They are too smart, hence you will automatically lose.

2. Play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-B-Ball Team: If you only have a cat, the next best option is to select your teams based on the game Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey. Just like the “Donkey” game, place a piece of paper on the wall that has the names of 2 teams who are going against each other- say, University of North Carolina vs. Timbuktoo University. Now, put on a blindfold and spin yourself around 5 times. Now go forward with a thumbtack in your hand. If your thumbtack lands on Timbuktoo University then pick that school to win. Congratulations! You just picked the first #16 seed in the history of the tournament to beat a #1 seed. Everyone will think you’re bloody brilliant when it turns out you were right.

3. Have Jessica Simpson Fill Out Your Brackets: Okay, so you don’t have a thumbtack. Then, what you need is Jessica Simpson. Last year, this intellectually challenged singer beat her husband (a die-hard University of Cincinnati fan) and all of their friends, by picking Georgia Tech and St. Joseph’s University to go deep into the tournament. How did she do it? Because she’s stoopid. And, that’s what you need. A stoopid person to pick your brackets.

* NOTE: You may also use Kobe Bryant. Yes, he’s a basketball player, but he has no basketball knowledge (evident by the fact that he had Shaquile O’Neal and Phil Jackson fired from the Lakers).

4. Pick a Random Person on the Street and Ask Them to Fill out Your Brackets: Alright, so you’ve been arrested trying to get Jessica Simpson and Kobe Bryant to fill out your brackets. But, that’s okay. You still have some more methods to employ.

First, hit the main street of the city or town that you live in. Next, start asking random people on the street if they know what basketball is. If you find someone who has never heard of basketball, ask that person to fill out your brackets. Be really nice about it, as they may think you’re a crazy homeless person. Really, though, this is the next best thing to getting Jessica Simpson to fill out your brackets.

5. Use the CC Method: The CC Method is the method that my little sister uses to pick her brackets. It involves saying teams’ names and picking the teams whose names you like the best. But, you have to do this the right way. You must pronounce each syllable of the team name and then pick the team. For example:

* For the University of Connecticut say: CON-NEC-TI-CUT
* Then, for Crap-Butt University say: CRAP-BUTT
* Now, which team name do you like better, “Connecticut” or “Crap-Butt”? Pick the team name you like the best and pick that team to win the match-up.

NOTE: Many people say you can also fill out your brackets by picking which teams’ mascots you like the best. I believe this is a bad idea. Many times, people pick mascots, which if real, would really kill the other team’s mascot. For example, a “Fighting Irishman (Notre Dame)” probably wouldn’t have any problem killing an “Emasculated Hen (Virginia Tech).” But, not necessarily so in Tournament World. In Tournament World, that Emasculated Hen has just as good of a chance as winning as the Fighting Irishman. So, really, I think its best not to pick based on mascots. This method is a trick that could end up tricking you up.

Alright! Now you have the secrets to filling out your brackets for the Something Different Bracket Challenge. Please, don’t forget to join League SD to play. I look forward to kicking at least one person’s butt during this game; for, I already know that I will lose the whole thing. ;)

Happy March Madness!!

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

March Madness is Here: Play the Something Different Bracket Challenge

Now, I know that you already have your office pools and stuff, but I thought it would be fun for this blog to host its own Bracket Challenge.

For those who don’t know- like you live outside of the U.S. or you live in the U.S., but you have never watched TV or talked to an American in your life, March Madness is the annual, month long event where we all find out which college basketball team is the best college basketball team in the land. It’s a huge! Wait…HUGE, event.

65 teams compete against each other in 33 games. If a team loses just once, they are tossed out of the tournament (one and done, as it’s called).

So, we start with 65 teams. After the first round, we have 32 teams. After the second round, we have 16 teams (called the Sweet 16). Then, we have 8 teams (called the Elite 8). Next we have 4 teams (called the Final Four). And, finally, we have the last 2 teams (which have been referred to as the Dynamic Duo (even if it does infringe on Batman’s ™)).

The teams are all organized in a bracket. Thus, with the Bracket Challenge, you try to guess which teams will win their respective games.

So, Something Different is sponsoring a Bracket Challenge this year. If you’d like to play, follow the directions below (please play!! It’s so much more fun the more people you have). :)

NOTE: The NCCA Selection Committee will not decide which teams will be in the Tournament until Sunday. But, you can at least start the process of the Bracket Challenge by registering your team. Here’s how:

1) Go to and register your team.

2) After you've registered, click on "Find League" under the League Info tab at the top of the page.

3) The league name for this blog is League SD. To join, you have to have League SD’s password. The password is lawgirl.

Now, I know some of you are probably saying, “I can’t play. I don’t know anything about basketball. I don’t even know what basketball is.” But, that’s okay. And, I’ll tell you why…

In my next article.

For now, go register. And, later this week, read How to Fill Out Your Bracket and then pick your teams!


March Madness is here!!

P.S.: If you’d like to pass this on to other people, you may. The more the merrier.

P.P.S.: If you win, I’ll give you’re a spoiler for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship. Provided that you NEVER tell anyone else the spoiler. EVER!!!!

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Observations About the ACC Tournament

Oh, man! Oh, man! You guys will not believe this! But, I, Reese the Law Girl, actually got tickets to the Atlantic Coast Conference Men's Basketball Tournament.

I went last night! It was soo wild. Me and my worker bee friend decided to go on a whim. We didn't think we would actually get tickets. But, then we found a scalper...I mean, nice young man who sold us tickets.

We were in the 11th row! The 11th row! Right off of the floor. We were so close, that if I wanted to, I could have slapped J.J. Redick in the face. It was so awesome!

Okay, here's what I noticed while at the ACC Tournament:

  1. Cheerleaders are 4 feet tall.
  2. Only old White men get tickets to these things. Seriously, we were the only colored girls in our section. Which, I guess makes sense since we were sitting in the rich people section.
  3. I swear I saw Olympic gymnast Paul Hamm (or maybe it was his twin brother) just a few rows down from me.
  4. Daniel Ewing of Duke- kinda hot. I hate myself for saying that.
  5. Duke sucks (okay, now I feel like I have redeemed myself).
  6. I love Julius Hodge. He has so much passion for the game. Definitely root for NC State in the national tournament.
  7. That being said, NC State needs a new mascot. A men's team should not have a girl, in a dress, as a mascot. Now, I'm feminist and all, but c'mon! Even I have to admit, a girl mascot for a men's basketball team, makes the guys look like punks.
  8. Maryland fans rock! Even if their team isn't playing, to stand and cheer as hard as they can for the teams that play against word- awesome!
  9. By the way, Duke sucks!
  10. And, finally- I can't wait for the Big Dance to start!

Okay, so those are my observations. You should know that for the next 4 weeks, Something Different is going March Madness crazy! Just an FYI. So, move your eyes up and learn about the Something Different Bracket Challenge. It's going to be a blast!

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

The Bad, the Bad, and the Bad

First, the Bad News

Dr. CMED wasn’t able to get the metal file out of my tooth. So, it’s in there permanently. Unless it gets infected or something, I should be okay. But, if it should get infected? Well, let’s just say there’s going to be a lot of cutting involved.

Next, the Bad News

Dr. CMED didn’t ask me out. So, you know what that means?

He’s gay.

Finally, the Bad News

I was able to thoroughly and completely embarrass myself in front of Dr. CMED before the appointment was all over.

See, a good friend of mine (who is not “Lisa”), convinced me that I should flirt with Dr. CMED.

Now, if you know anything about Reese the Law Girl, you know one thing: I can’t flirt. Don’t know how. Instead, I do a really interesting thing. It’s called being myself.

Dr. CMED: “So, how are you feeling about this whole situation?”

Reese: “Well, I’ve been thinking about it. And, I’ve decided that I’m not going to sue you.”

Dr. CMED [pausing]: “…What???”

Reese: “Uhhh…that was a joke.”

Dr. CMED [silent]

Reese: “You know…ummm…a lawyer joke. Ummm, it’s…’cause you’re a doctor and I’m a lawyer, so I thought it would be funny…”

Dr. CMED [silent]

Reese: “I was just messin’ with you…it’s a joke!...”

Dr. CMED [silent]

Reese: “A joke…like, hahaha, joke…it was…it was a lame, lame, lame joke. I can see that now.”

Dr. CMED [finally coming back to the discussion]: “Oh! A joke.”

Reese: “Yes!”

Dr. CMED: “I guess it was funny.”

Reese [nervous laughter]: “Yea.”

Dr. CMED: “Uh-huh. You have a depraved sense of humor, you know that?”

Reese: “Well, I try my best.”


That was just…that was just…

Well, that was just really, really, bad is what it was.


I think I need to find a new dentist.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90

Check Your Baggage at the Door.

Hola, muchachos y muchachas y recepción (I used Microsoft Translator) to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our couple, they were…

Wait, I forgot what they were doing. It’s been a while.

Let me go back and read the last installment.

[Reese Reading to Herself] Okay, there’s some sinning, and some more sinning, some fornication, and… Oh, yea, “I love you.”

Okay, so, when we last left our couple, they were in love. Well, one of them was in love. The other one (you know, the one that’s not real) was avoiding love.

Well, now that our couple is busy in “semi-love,” as I like to call it, they’ve also decided to open up a little bit more about their past relationships. And, sense they’re opening up about their past relationships with each other, then they’re also opening up about their past relationships with us.

It’s nice to share, isn’t it?

Now, unlike our past look into our couple's very jacked up relationship, this time we're going to do something a little different. It's called a "Blog Flashback." Yes, we will actually go back in time and see what Lisa and Mike were up to before they met each other.

Are you ready for the pain and suffering?

Okay, then. Let's go.

[Time Traveling Music]: Dooo-do-doo-do-dooo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo

Alright, we have arrived in 1994. And, look! There's our anti-heroine Lisa. Now, before we start there's something you should know about Lisa. She’s a very complicated lady. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but Lisa, she has a fear of commitment; which is puzzling, because for some reason, she always has a boyfriend. And, not just lots of boyfriends; Lisa has lots of long term relationship boyfriends. Just wait. You'll see.

[1994] Thug Boyfriend

Okay, this was Lisa's first boyfriend. And, I mean, really, what can you say? Just look at him.

Baggy pants, dark hoodie, he running from the cops?!?

Yes, that's right folks. Lisa's first boyfriend was a straight up “Gang-sta!”

Now, I know you're judging Lisa's decision making skills on this guy. But, let's cut her some slack. She was just a teeny bopper back then and she learned from her mistake. Now she puts criminals in jail, instead of dating them.

Okay, let's jump a year ahead.

[1995] Random College Boyfriend

Wow. This dude? He looks pretty random. Let me check my notes, and see what I know about him?


Absoultely nothing. Alright, let's move on. The next boyfriend has to be more interesting than this one.

[1996] Random College Boyfriend #2

Huh. I guess not.

[1997] Love of her Life College Boyfriend

Oh, alright. This guy is cool.

Oooo, he's fine.

And, look, he's giving Lisa 12 dozen long stem roses. And...

Wait...What's Lisa doing? Is she breaking up with him?

Cute Guy: "...But, Lisa I love you."

Lisa: "That's all well and good, but you're still annoying. I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out."

Wait, this can't be right? Lisa told me this guy was the love of her life. Let's go forward a little bit and see what the deal is.

1 Month Later...

Lisa: "But, I made a mistake, and I love you. Let's get back together."

Cute Guy [snapping his fingers]: "No, girlfriend, I don't think so! You cut me out once, and you nevah get the good lovin' again."

Lisa: "NOOOO!!!!"

Oh, that's just so pathetic. I guess this is the one Lisa always regretted.

[1998] Love of her Life College Boyfriend #2

Oh, oh! I know this one. This is Wilson. And, before we start discusing Lisa and Wilson, let me just say this one thing:

Wilson, I love you. You need to stop thinking about Lisa and marry me. We could be soooo happy living in your 4 story, 6 bedroom, townhouse complete with flatscreen TV's, pool room, and personalized theater with projector, screen, and black leather seats.

We could be

Call me!

Alright, back to the dumb...I mean delightful girl we know as Lisa.

Lisa and Wilson met in college, of course. And, at first, they were just umm, how can I say this?

Messin’ around?

Yea, you get the point.

But, soon enough, it developed into a caring, loving relationship. Wilson became Lisa’s one true love.

Well, one true love other than the previous boyfriend who was also Lisa's one true love...

I know. Don't ask.

Anyways, for reasons that I still don’t understand to this day, the relationship completely blew up. Again, don’t ask me why, I really don’t know.

Then, for some reason, Lisa and Wilson went back to messin’ around.

And, then back into a relationship for a couple of months before it exploded again. For some reason, according to Lisa, Wilson was annoying. I think Lisa was just afraid. She’s a big scaredy cat most of the time.

She really should be ashamed for stringing Wilson along like she did. Wilson deserved better than that. Someone who could appreciate him and his 4 story, 6 bedroom, townhouse complete with flatscreen TV's, pool room, and personalized theater with projector, screen, and black leather seats.

I could do that Wilson.

I could appreciate you.

Why won't you let me appreciate you!?!?

I love you Wilson!

[Reese composing herself] Ahem. Sorry 'bout that. It's just that I get a little emotional when I think about Wilson.

Moving on...

[1999] Law School Boyfriend

So, Lisa started dating this guy right before she started law school. According to my notes, and my own personal recollection, Lisa dated Greg for about 4 years and their relationship lasted throughout law school.

Although, Lisa was never truly in love with Greg. I told her this for 3 years, but she wouldn’t listen to me. Check it out...

Reese: “I’m curious. Do you love Greg?”

Lisa: “I can’t believe you would ask me that.”

Reese: “Well, the thing is, it seems like he’s really just convenient and not someone you’re in love with.”

Lisa: “Convenient? What kinda person do you think I am?”

Reese: “Well, let’s see. You’re not interested in marrying him. You don’t like to talk to him for long periods of time. His lack of political and world event insight bugs the hell out of you. And, you only think he comes in handy for messin’ around and money for mudslides at T.G.I.F. It seems like a relationship of convenience to me.”

Lisa: “Greg and I have been together for many years. We’re the only couple that is still together despite the ravages of law school. He loves me. He also understands that I don’t want to get married and he’s cool with that.”

Reese: “He asked you what size your ring finger is.”

Lisa: “So? That doesn’t mean anything.”

Reese: “I have no doubt that he loves you. But, do you love him? That’s the question.”

Lisa: “Yes, I love him.”

Reese [laughing]: “No, not like a good friend that you’re attracted to. Are you IN LOVE with him?”

Lisa [pausing]

Lisa: “Of course.”

Reese: “Okay, well then there it is.”

Lisa: “Good, now let’s drop this.”

Reese: “Okay, just one more thing.”

Lisa: “What?”

Reese: “Greg wants to marry you and you’re not in love with him. Just thought you should know.”

Lisa: “I hate you.”

Yea, so in case you actually believe Lisa's denial, you should know that Greg really was in love with Lisa and did want to marry her. So, what do you think happened when Lisa graduated from law school and settled into her new career?

Greg: “ that you're settled into your new career and everything. I think it's time for us to settle down too...into marriage."

Lisa [laughing…nervously]: “Greg, you’re so funny. You know that I don’t want to get married. And, neither do you.”

Greg: “Actually, I said I want to be married by the time I’m 30.”

Lisa: “Right, so you’ve got plenty of time.”

Greg: “I’m 29.”

Lisa: “What? I mean, when I met you, you were 25."

Greg: "Yes, and 4 years later, I'm now 29."

Lisa: "Really? Hmm, where do the years go?"

Greg: "I don't know Lisa."

Lisa: "And neither do I. So, do you think this top is cute enough for my trip to Vegas with my friends?”

Oh, that's so, so sad. Look at Greg. Poor, poor, dejected Greg. He wasn’t ever going to get Lisa down the aisle.

But, I know a secret. Greg got the last revenge.

To make a long story...longer...

Lisa went to Las Vegas with her friends. Partied it up. Met a seriously hot, rich guy that she couldn’t do anything with because she had a boyfriend. Only to get dumped by that same boyfriend, right after she left the hot, rich guy in Las Vegas.

Karma’s not a nice lady, is she?

This brings us to Mike. Boyfriend #7 and Lisa’s new disaster waiting to happen.

So, let's travel back to 2000 and see what Mike is up to...

[crack, fizzle, boom!] Uh, hey! Oh, shoot! Will you look at that? Our time machine is broken. Darnit!

Sorry, guys, but I gotta get this thing fixed.

Tune in next time when we'll examine Mike's baggage in Part 2 of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90. Check Your Baggage at the Door.


I was wondering when I would get a "2 parter" in this series. ;)

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A Memo From "Lisa"


It has come to my attention that some of you believe that there is no "Lisa." As you know, "Lisa" is 1/2 of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship. Well, I just want to reassure everyone that "Lisa" is REAL. No, I am not "Lisa." She is not a character I conjured up in my imagination. I do not ever post as "Lisa." I post always as Reese the Law Girl.

You see, Reese the Law Girl is MY alter ego. She is based on me. Reese the Law Girl is not an Assistant District Attorney, because I am not an Assistant District Attorney. She does not have a boyfriend who is anciently older than she is, because I don't. And, she does not go out with boys who profess love within a month of dating, because I wouldn't [if Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship were about me it would be 1 article long; the first date and then Reese never returning the dude's phone calls].

I do not have an alter ego for my alter ego. In other words, Reese the Law Girl's alter ego is not "Lisa." That would be insane. And, I know that I have said many a crazy thing on this blog. But, and this is the point that you must forever remember, I am not psychotic. I do not have 2 alter egos. And, let me reassure you that if I did have a split personality, I would never name the other person "Lisa." It would be something more exotic.

Japanese inspired maybe.

Something like "Nehelania" or something. Ohhh, I'd also go for "Ava" or, and this would be if I was really nuts, "Halle Berry."

So, folks, just remember, I AM NOT "LISA."

Now, I'm sure that you don't believe me. But, in any case, the following is a Memo to you, from "Lisa." She's very upset that you all think she isn't real. Please consider what she has to say and we'll never mention this again.

MEMORANDUM: Lisa is real!!!!

Occasionally (Very occasionally. Unlike some blog owners, I work.) I cruise through this blog and see what my good (well sometimes good) friend Reese has been up to. While reading up on myself in this blog I recently made a horrifying discovery. SOME PEOPLE DON'T THINK I AM REAL!!!!

Some of you readers of Reese’s blog think I am a figment of Reese’s imagination or worse an alter ego of Reese. This denial of my existence truly hurts me. As you can see from Reese's many articles about me, I am a very sensitive soul easily crushed by the words of others. My first reaction after my two hour crying jag was to demand that Reese clarify my existence on her blog. However I then reread some of Reese’s articles. After careful review of the dysfunctional relationship series (which I am told is based on MY [Reese Edit] relationship) I decided that I could not trust Reese to accurately report on my words.

She seems to have a tendency to exaggerate when reporting on her friends. As a matter of fact people who read this blog probably don’t know a lot of things about Reese. Therefore I felt it behooved me to write a small note on this blog defending not only my right to exist but the many deceptions perpetrated by Reese. It’s time for people to get to know the REAL Reese!

Important Reese Fact 1 #: The Name

It’s a fake people. Her real name isn’t Reese. Reese is an alias she uses to disguise her true identity. Why? Is it because she wants to be more like the super heroes she adores. No ladies and Gentleman it’s because she believes that the readers of her blog are probably Psycho stalkers who may hunt her down and kill her in her sleep if they have her true first name. Now some of you may point out that I am writing this article under an alias as well. However that is totally different because {This portion of the article was censored by Reese as Lisa inadvertently revealed information that could help reveal my secret I mean true identity} [Reese Edit: As you can tell, I actually did not do this previous edit, as "Reese Edits" look like this: [Reese Edit:]; that was just "Lisa" attempting to be humorous; I know, it was a sad attempt, but I urge you to keep reading].

Important Reese Fact 2 #: The Psycho Stalker

Be wary of taking any advice about men from Reese because according to Reese all men are Psycho stalkers. Why Lisa, you may ask, surely that is an exaggeration. To illustrate my point I will now recreate a typical Reese conversation.

Lisa: Hey Reese I just met this nice guy. He calls a lot and seems into to me.

Reese: Calls a lot? What you mean like more then once every four days? Seems like a psycho stalker to me.

Lisa: But Reese he seems really nice and….

Reese (interrupting as is her habit): Look I am just trying to help you. Don’t come crying to me when he murders you in your sleep. Any guy who {Insert inconsequential male habit} is clearly a psycho stalker.

Lisa: But you think everyone is a Psycho Stalker

Reese: That’s because they are. If you girls would just listen to me you wouldn’t have these problems.

Lisa: Problems?! I just called to say I met someone.

Reese: Yeah a Psycho stalker. How is that good news? You are soooo crazy Lisa. I should do an article in my blog about you….

Important Reese Fact 3 #: Always look on the down side.

Reese often claims to be able to predict the future. And I must admit she is frequently correct. You may wonder how she does it and it is really quite simple. Whatever is going on in the world, Reese always predicts that something worse is just around the corner. Again Typical Reese conversation in Aug 2004:

Reese: Whoa is me! Whoa is me! I haven’t found a job yet.

Lisa: Cheer up Reese something will come up.

Reese: No it won’t because Bush is going to be reelected.

Lisa: Hey maybe Bush won’t be reelected.

Reese: Poor foolish Lisa. Don’t you know anything. Bush is definitely getting reelected.

Bush gets reelected

Reese: I told you so.

Lisa: Well at least he will be out of office in four years

Reese: Don’t count on it. These are the last days. I wouldn’t be surprised if earth quakes and plagues started up.

Lisa: Reese don’t be ridiculous

Tsunami kills 150,000

Reese: See I told you. This is just another sign of the last days.

Lisa: Hey things can’t get any worse

Reese: Really well I think….

You get the idea. I could continue to point out all Reese’s many flaws (or at least Ten as I had originally planned) but I think I will stop there for now. She is always begging her friends to write articles for her blog so let’s just wait to see if she posts this. Something tells me it will be severely edited. If some version of this document does appear on her blog I may bestir myself to write again. My next article we be either facts 4-6 or a strong defense of the very [Reese Edit] relationship I share with the man Reese has deemed “Mike.” Who I think is [Reese Edit]. Who I [Reese Edit]. Who I [Reese Edit] so much.

Oh God I have to go throw up now. Bye.

[Reese Commentary: Sorry for all the edits ya’ll. But, I just can’t have “Lisa” giving away the future details of "Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship." But, please remember, “Lisa” is real. “Lisa” is real. “Lisa” is real.

Oh, God, “Lisa” is gonna kill me for editing the last part of her Memo. Oh, well. It’s my blog darnit!]

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved