Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Persaud Gene

Scientists have made some silly claim over the last few years that the entire human genome has been mapped. Little do they know that their assertion is incorrect. In fact, there is one DNA-thingy they happened to miss. I call it…



The Persaud Gene.



“What is the Persaud Gene,” you ask? Well, basically, it’s a gene that makes you perfect.

Yes, it’s true! There is an actual gene that makes any person who is its carrier literally perfect. With the Persaud gene, you are born perfectly intelligent, perfectly beautiful, and perfectly poised.

With the Persaud Gene you can wear three inch heels to work everyday and be declared the Queen of Capital Hill. You can also turn an entire college campus of men into your helpless followers. And don’t forget how you can turn down the desperate requests of modeling agencies in order to fulfill a dream to do something else although your not exactly sure what that “else” is.

Yes, the Persaud Gene is a gift. A gift that only three people in the known universe have. And no, you will never get it. Nor will your children or your children’s children. Because you, and they, are unworthy.

Now, let’s not concentrate on your unworthiness of possessing the Persaud Gene. It’s really just a downer to think of such things. And believe me, I feel your pain as I am also unworthy of attaining such genetic perfection. However, I believe it is important to understand the effects of the Persaud gene in order to comprehend the gravity of this biological phenomenon. As I have closely observed at least 1/3 of those who posses the Persaud gene for the last 17 years, I am the most qualified expert to explain to you the scientific effects of genetic perfection.



Effect #1


The first, and most common, effect of the Persaud Gene is making others instantly jealous of your obvious perfection.

When one encounters a bearer of the Persaud Gene in its natural habitat, humans are unable to control what I like to call, “Violent Envy.”

Let’s take a look….




Natural Habitat: The Mall

Sub-Habitat: The Bebe Store


Eliza * (Bearer of the Persaud Gene): “Oh my god, I love these pants. And look, they’re only several hundred dollars! That’s so cheap. I’m totally going to get them and not try them on because I know they will fit me perfectly because I am perfect.”

Non-Perfect Human #1: “OH MY GOD!!!”

Non-Perfect Human #2: “WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS BUYING EXPENSIVE STUFF AND NOT TRYING IT ON?!?!”

Non-Perfect Human #3: “SHE MUST BE DIEEEEE!!!!”

Reese: “Uhhh…Eliza *…let’s hurry up and get out of here. I don’t like the looks of these chicks…”

Non-Perfect Human #4: “OHHH, I MUST DESTROY HER TO VALIDATE MY OWN SENSE OF SELF-WORTH!!!!”




Of course friends of those who carry the Persaud Gene are immune to the effect known as “Violent Envy.” Unfortunately, after getting to know Persaud Gene carriers, you find out that they are in fact very nice and the “Violent Envy” effect suddenly diminishes.


Well, this is true for at least 2/3rds of those who carry the Persaud Gene. I would go into detail why this doesn’t work for the other third of the carriers, but I’m afraid she might use her governmental powers to have me disbarred.


You think I’m kidding? I’m so not. **




Effect #2


Of course, it goes without mentioning that men bow down and worship the ground that Persaud Gene carriers walk their perfectly expensive Jimmy Choos on. And while this may just be an “annoyance” to Persaud Gene carriers (see Effect #3: Obliviousness), it can turn out to be one heck of an advantage for their friends…




Eliza: “Man, there’s nothing going on tonight.”

Reese: “Yeah.”

Juicy: “It’s the weekend for crying out loud! I can’t believe nothing is going on in DC tonight…”

Random Bouncer [standing on the sidewalk]: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Reese [looking around confused]: “What? What is it?”

Random Bouncer: “MY GOD! GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND BLESSED ME WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD!!!”

Juicy: “Oh, here we go…”

Random Bouncer [speaking ONLY to Eliza]: “Please my lady…”

Eliza: “My lady?!?”

Random Bouncer: “Russell Simmons is having a special, VIP only party here tonight. Please, grace us with your presence by attending the event.”

Eliza: “Uhhh, well how much is it?”

Random Bouncer: “There is no charge! It’s a private party. But, please, you must attend. I want you to come in. You need to come in!!!”

Eliza: “Okay, but what about my friends?”

Random Bouncer: “Oh, there are other people with you? I didn’t even see them…”

Reese: “Unbelievable!”

Random Bouncer: “Yes, yes, they may come too. So long as you enter.”

Eliza: “Well, what do you guys think?”

Juicy: “It’s a Russell Simmons party. There’s nothing else going on tonight. Let’s go!”

Eliza: “Alright, alright we’ll come in.”

Random Bouncer: “Oh thank you! Thank you, oh beautiful one!!”

Eliza: “Yeah, yeah…”

Random Bouncer: “Thank you! THANK YOU FOR GRACING ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE!”

Eliza [walking into party, waving bouncer away]: “Okay, okay! Move, please. Thank you!”

Juicy: “Wow, a Russell Simmons party…”

Reese [looking around]: “Why does everyone look like they just stepped out of The Matrix?”

Eliza: “Oh, god, they’re playing trance music!”

Reese: “I mean this whole place even has that green “Matrix hue” to it.”

Juicy: “Well, it’s something to do. Let’s check it out.”



As I remember it, we spent the whole night people watching and guessing which guys were gay. Although the evening wasn’t the best, there is no way we would have ever gotten into that party without Eliza. Yes, it’s always an advantage to have a Persaud Gene carrier around.





Effect #3


The last effect of the Persaud Gene is the carrier’s constant state of obliviousness. Now this is not to say that bearers of the Persaud Gene are stupid (hello, they are perfectly brilliant- have you been paying attention at all?). However, Persaud Gene carriers often don’t know how lucky they are.

Or perhaps they do, but when you have so many choices you can pretty much do whatever you want. Thus, you don’t feel the urgency to take the first big break that comes your way.

Well, whatever the reason, lets just say that Persaud Gene carriers never jump on the “once in a lifetime offers” like us regular folks would. Probably because those offers aren’t once in a lifetime for someone who has the Persaud Gene…




Eliza [with Reese walking through University of Maryland’s campus]: “So what are you going to do when you graduate Reese?”

Reese: “Well, I was thinking medical school, but now I don’t think so.”

Eliza: “Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to do that “engineering thing” either. Maybe law…”

Reese: “Man, I wish I had some direction.”

Eliza: “Yeah, me too.”

???: “Oh, thank God! I have found thee!!!”

Eliza: “What?? Are you talking to me??”

???: “Yes! I have come today to offer you “the world.”

Eliza: “What?”

???: “I set out to create the most perfectly beautiful, perfectly smart, perfectly poised persons in the world. It took me several hundred years to perfect that gene and then, exactly 19 years ago, I was able to do it. You are the product of all of my hard work!”

Reese: [stunned silence]

Eliza: “Whazza?”

???: “And now that you have reached the age of maturity, I can give you “the world!” Here take it…”

Eliza: “Uhh…no thanks.”

???: “What? Why? You said that “you needed direction.” That was when I knew it was time to give you “the world” so that you could do great things. I will be there to assist you.”

Eliza: “Nah…I don’t want it.”

Reese: “Uhhh…Eliza…”

???: “What do you mean you “don’t want it.” This is a once in a life time opportunity!! I’m literally giving you “the world!”

Eliza: “Yeah, no, I don’t want it. Maybe next time.”

Reese: “Ummm…Eliza…”

???: “But, there won’t be a next time…”

Reese: “Ummm…Eliza…”

Eliza: “Nope. Thanks, anyways.”

Reese: “ELIZA!!!!”

Eliza: “What?!?”

Reese: “Dude…that’s Jesus!!!”

Jesus: [stands in all of his glory looking confused at Eliza]

Eliza: “Oh, what, like that’s supposed to impress me that that’s Jesus?!?”

Reese: [stunned]

Jesus: “I beg of you to take this gift as I will never offer it to you again.”

Eliza: “No way. That’s too heavy. I’ll just go to law school or something.”

Jesus: “Sigh. If there is no convincing you, then I will take my leave…”

Reese: “HEY, WAIT!! I’LL TAKE IT!!! I’LL TAKE THE GIFT!!! I’LL TAKE “THE WORLD!!!” PLEEEEAAASSSEEE!!!”

Jesus: “AHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Reese: “Hey! What’s so funny?!?”

Jesus: “Oh, I’m so glad I gave you the funny gene and then cursed your life. You are a constant source of amusement for all of us in heaven.”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “You’re like the #1 rated human we watch up there!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “My Dad really loves your antics!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Hey did you know it only took me 5 minutes to make that funny gene or yours? Only 30 seconds to curse you…”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Best entertainment decision I ever made…”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Well, I must go. But fear not, Eliza, I will always be with you.”

Reese: “Hey!! What about me?!?”

Jesus: “Oh, I’ll always be with you too.”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Jesus: “So long as you keep me entertained.”

Reese: “Hey!”

Jesus: “Hehehehe, I can’t wait for the season where you start breaking bones. Those episodes are classics!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus [ascends into heaven]: “So long…so long…so long…so long…”

Reese: “Unbelievable!!!!”




You know, I’m still bitter about that.


Unbelievable!!!


In any case, the Persaud Gene is real. To the lucky three, it grants them powers beyond your wildest imagination. To the lucky few who get to be Persaud Gene carriers’ friends- well, we get to live vicariously through the perfect ones. And for the rest of you…


I don’t know, really. I would give you permission to just let yourself go in a haze of self-hate, but I don’t support such things.


You can go cry into your pillow if you want.


Go ahead. There’s no shame.






* Name has been changed to protect “Eliza” from future stalkers.


** Hey, MP, that’s just a joke. What’s a joke between your sister’s friend and you? Right? Right? Don’t hurt me!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Tales From the Childhood: Music Corrupts, Absolutely

As a child, Reese had an affinity for songs inappropriate for children. While most children sang only nursery rhymes or sweet, adult contemporary love songs, Reese went out of her way to sing songs about sex. As a child, Reese quickly tired of nursery rhymes and only cried when a slow love song was on the radio (she thought slow songs were about sad things like death and killing puppies or something).


Anyways, the following is a lesson on how music does NOT corrupt children as we all know that Reese is a perfectly fine, well-adjusted adult.…


Just go with her, here…




Reese, Age 2


Mom [to relatives]: “Oh, listen to Reese sing. Go ahead, Reese, sing your song.”

Reese: [takes deep breath]

“Seee-ee ‘dem out on ‘da street at night
Picking up on all kinds of strwangers
If the pwice is whight
You-ou can't score if ‘ya pocket's tight
But you wanna good ti-mme
You ask yourself
Who ‘de are
Like ev’body else
They come from near and far-rrr…”

“Bad gawl
Sad gawl,
‘ya such a naughty bad gawl
Beep-Beep, uh, Toot-toot!
You bad gawl
you sad gawl
Your such a dirty bad gawl
Beep-Beep, uh-uh, Toot-toot!”


Relatives: “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Other Relatives: “I know! She doesn’t even know what she’s singing.”

Reese [continues singing]: “Hey, Mista! I’ll spend some time wit ‘ya…”



Reese, Age 5


Reese [at McDonald’s]: “Mom, I want some French fries!”

Mom: “Okay, we’ll get some fries.”

Reese [hears her song on the radio in McDonald’s]: “Ohhh, this is my song…”

“…I'm looking for a man to love me,
Like I've never been loved before.
I'm looking for a man who'll do it anywhere,
Even on the limousine floor.

'Cause TONIGHT, living in a fantasy,
My own little nasty world.
TONIGHT, don't you want to come with me,
Do you think I'm a nasty girl?”


McDonald’s Customer: “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Other McDonald’s Customer: “I know! She doesn’t even know what she’s singing.”

Reese [continues and starts doing a little dance]: “…Nasty girl, nasty girl, do you think I'm a nasty girl? Nasty girl, nasty girl, do you think I'm a nasty girl?”



Reese, Age 7


Mom: “Reese, are you doing your homework?”

Reese: “Yes, Mom!”

Reese [continues studying while humming her favorite new tune]:

“…I was beat incomplete
I’d been had,
I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Like a VIRGIN
Touched for the very first time
Like a VIRRIRRRGINNN
When your heart beats
Next to mine”





With the emergence of hip-hop...

Well, you can only imagine.



Reese, Age 9

Reese: “Mom, can I have some ice cream?”

Mom: “Yeah, sure.”

Reese [listening to her WALKMAN that CC would end up breaking 3 days later]:

“Thanx…”

“Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed
Can’t you hear the music’s pumpin hard like I wish you would?
Now push it
Push it good
Push it real good…”


[CC (age:5) starts dancing]


Reese: “Yeah, go CC!!”

“P-push it real good! Ah, push it’…”


CC: “Get up on this!”




Of course, at some time, Reese’s string of listening to inappropriate music had to end.


Well, sort of…



Reese, Age 12


Reese [watching MTV with her Mom]:

“Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Doo-ooo-ooo me.

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]”


Mom [looking in shocked horror]: “Oh. My. God.”

“Reese, I don’t want you singing this song ever again!”

Reese: “Moooommmm!!”

Mom: “REESE!”

Reese [sighing]: “Okay.”

Mom: “Good.”

Reese: “Oh, yeah Mom, I meant to ask you…”

“Can I go to the Bel Biv Devoe concert with Leslye and Cally?”

Mom: “Who’s going to take you?”

Reese: “Leslye’s dad.”

Mom: “Fine. As long as it’s not me.”

Reese [walks away]: “YES!”

“Poooiii-sooonnnn!!! Never trust a big butt and a smile!”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 193 to Day 355.

Epilogue.



this is an audio post - click to play




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Interview with a "Lisa"

Have you ever wondered...


Hey, what happened to that series Reese used to do?


You know, that uh...Dysfunctional Relationship thing?


Reese is such a lazy bum! She never finished it!


How can you just leave people hanging like that?


It doesn't matter, Reese is really "Lisa" anyways so it wasn't really true to begin with.






If you've ever wondered these things, then you're wicked cruel!


How could you ever think that I would just make up a character and whole storyline like that?!?


I thought we were cool! I thought we were friends!




I’m leaving for a vacation up one state to Georgia and I’ll be hanging out with “Lisa” the whole week. In an effort to prove to you that I am not "Lisa," and also because I'm a lazy bum, I decided that while “Lisa” and I are actually in the same room for the first time in almost a year, I would post the last Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship post as an...


AUDIO BLOG!



And, even better than that, you guys are going to do the post for me!!



First, I suggest you go back and re-read the previous posts. Here they are:


Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day (-)120 to Day 1.

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 2 to Day 28.

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 29 to Day 35

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90 [Part 2]

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 91 to Day 120

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 121 to Day 151

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 152 to Day 202



Then, submit a question that you would like for me to ask “Lisa” for the Epilogue installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.



Yes, you can ask her ANYTHING!




ANYTHING!!



As long as it has nothing to do with me…



Unless the question is about why I’m so wonderful. You can ask her that.



Sometime next week (you know I’m not keen on exact dates), I will ask “Lisa” all of your questions and she will answer them in an audio post.


Sounds like fun, right?


Good, so now is the time for ya’ll to get to work and do my job for me. If you don’t ask “Lisa” any questions, it’s going to be one short finale. So get crackin’!


Peace! :D

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Burnin' Down the House

July 3, 2006


1:00am


I-495 a.k.a. The Beltway



Mom: “OH MY GOD!! THIS IS MY ENTIRE FAULT!! I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE COOKED THOSE RIBS!!!”

Reese [wheezing]: “Mom…it’s okay…just drive…”

Mom: “…ALL MY FAULT!!!”

Reese [hacking]: “…oh man, I feel awful…”

Mom: “OH MY GODDDDD!!!!”

Reese [taking deep breaths]: “Moommm…just…drive…”





July 3, 2006

1:30am

Suburban Hospital

Bethesda, Maryland



Mom: “OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!”

Doctor: “Ma’am you’re going to have to calm down.”

Reese [wheezing]: “Yeah…Mom….chill…out…”

Doctor: “Okay, Ms. Law Girl. Give me the facts…”

Mom: “IS SHE GOING TO LIVE!?!?!”

Doctor: “You know, Ma’am, why don’t you wait outside…”

Reese [wheezing]: “Yeah…Mom…go…outside…”

Mom: “ARE YOU SURE?”

Reese & Doctor: “YES!!!”

Mom [rolls eyes]: “Alright, alright!”

Doctor: “Okay, Ms. Law Girl, what happened?”

Reese: “Well…it’s…like…this…”




My mother…and my sister…had just…picked me up from the airport…we had just got in the house…





June 30, 2006

10:00pm

Reese’s Mom’s House



CC: “Oh, man I’m so glad it’s the holiday weekend! No work for me! And no working with my wiggidy-whack boss!! I can’t stand that witch!!”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

Mom: “Well, Reese you’re finally home. This is going to be a good weekend.”

Reese: “Yeah, sure.”

Mom: “Oh, I’m glad you’re so excited.”

Reese: “Yeah, whatever. Being in Maryland tops being in Miami’s sweltering heat right now. So, it’s cool.”

Mom [rolls eyes]: “Well, it’s so good that you’re happy to see us.”

Reese: “Yeah, you know, whatever.”

“So, CC, did you watch any new Haruhi yet?”


CC: “No.”

Reese: “NO?!?”

CC: “Nope.”

Reese: “NO?!?”

CC: “Nope.”

Reese: “WHY NOT?!? HARUHI IS THE GREATEST!!!”

CC: “I concede that Haruhi is great. But, I gotta work. I got money to make. Besides, why should I download new Haruhi episodes when I can just wait for you to come home and bring your laptop which contains all the Haruhi episodes I missed?”

Reese: “YOU CAN’T MESS WITH HARUHI!! YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT WHEN IT COMES OUT!!”

CC: “I’ll watch it sometime this weekend!”

Reese: “YOU’LL WATCH IT NOW!!!”

Mom [yelling from the kitchen]: “Reese…CC…I’m cooking these ribs on the stove right now because the meat has been in the fridge for a while. I don’t want it to go bad. Remind me to turn it off later so it won’t burn…”

CC: “I’LL WATCH HARUHI THIS WEEKEND!!”

Reese: “YOU’LL WATCH IT NOW!!!”

CC: “LEAVE ME ALONE, WEIRDO!!!”

Reese: “WATCH IT NOW!!”

Mom [yelling from the kitchen]: “DID YA’LL HEAR ME?!?!”

CC: “NO, I’LL WATCH IT LATER!!!”

Reese: “WATCH IT NOW!!”

Mom: “DID YA’LL HEAR ME?!?!”

Reese & CC [who clearly did not hear anything their Mother said]: “Yeah, yeah, we hear you Mom.”

Mom [sighing]: “Stupid kids fighting over some cartoons.”



Anyways, later…that night…I woke up…in the middle of the night…‘cause…you know…I had to go to the bathroom…

ANYWAYS…when I got up I heard…all this sizzling and crackling…like someone was cooking. I thought…that was kind of weird…




Reese [half-asleep]: “Man…who’s cooking at 3:00 in the morning? Weird…”




But…it wasn’t weird enough…to remember anything…my mother had said…earlier that evening. So, I just said…“whatever”…and went back to bed.


I guess…it was…a couple of hours later…when I woke up because…of this…horrendous smell…in my bedroom…



Reese: “What is that horrendous smell in my bedroom?”


“Gawd! Someone is cooking something horrible. Oh, I have to do something…”


“Maybe if I put the blanket over my nose…”


“Okay, that doesn’t work. How about turning my body to the west- away from the kitchen.”


“Nope, that’s not working…”


“Oh, gawd! I’m going to have to do it…”


“I’m going to have to get out of bed and spray some air freshener! Great! This is just great!!!”



So, I open my bedroom door and…



Reese: “OH. MY. GOD.”

“MOM!!! EVERYONE WAKE UP!!!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! THERE’S SMOKE EVERYWHERE!!!”



So, everyone wakes up. My mom yells…



Mom: “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!”



Except that… I can’t…get out of the house. My mom has…one of those deadbolts that locks….with a key from the inside. And…of course the key…was not in the door…



Reese [coughing]: “I can’t…[cough]…open the door…[cough]…”

CC [yelling from her bedroom]: “REESE, COME BACK HERE IN MY ROOM!!!”

Reese [running into CC’s bedroom]: “Why…[cough]…are you still back here?”

CC [casually]: “There’s no smoke in this room.”

Reese: “What?!?!”

CC: “There’s no smoke. Do you smell any smoke, Usaugi?”

(note: Usaugi is CC’s useless Siberian Husky who never barked throughout this whole incident)


Usaugi: “…”

Reese [coughing]: “We…have to…get out of here…”

Mom: “REESE!! CC!!! THE FRONT DOOR IS OPEN!!! GET OUT!!!”



So, we get out of the house. Turns out…the house was not on fire…just a lot of smoke…but, basically…the smoke…has rendered me…incapacitated…



Doctor: “So, why didn’t your mother or sister end up in the hospital? Why just you?”

Reese [wheezing]: “Well, my bedroom…was the closest…to the kitchen…I had been…breathing in the smoke…for hours…”

Doctor: “And what about the smoke detectors?”

Reese: “My mom…just bought…this house…she thought the smoke detectors worked…she…was…wrong…”

Doctor: “And why are you just coming into the hospital now? This happened several days ago?”

Reese: “Well…my mother said…I probably was just…suffering from…allergies…”

Doctor: “Have you ever had allergies this bad before?”

Reese: “Sort of…I had all the coughing…and sneezing…and stuffiness…although…this would be…the first allergy attack…where I couldn’t…breathe…”

Doctor: “So let me get this straight- basically, your mother set the house on fire…”

Reese: “Technically…the house…was not…on fire…”

Doctor: “…trapped you in the house so you couldn’t get out, and then convinced you were just suffering from allergies where you have a 101 degree fever and can’t breathe?”

Reese: “Well…yes…”

Doctor: “Ms. Law Girl, in cases where I suspect violence or abuse I have to report the incident to the police.”

Reese: “Doctor…if I could breathe…I would be laughing…at the idea…that my Mother…tried to kill me…”

Doctor: “Are you sure your Mother didn’t try to kill you Ms. Law Girl? She practically admitted it when you came in.”

Reese: “No…she did not…try to kill me…”

Doctor: “Well, Ms. Law Girl, it’s pretty clear that you are suffering from smoke inhalation. I’m going to have you take some chest X-rays to make sure you don’t have pneumonia or a blood clot on account of your broken foot and your recent air travel. But, barring anything like that, I’m pretty sure you have a case of smoke inhalation.”

Reese: “So, what do…I do to…get over this?”

Doctor: “Go home, sleep for the next couple of days. Drink lots of water and take this inhaler that I’m going to prescribe for you. Follow up with your doctor when you get back to Miami.”

Reese: “Okay…”

Doctor: [silent]

Reese: “MY…MOTHER…DID NOT TRY…TO KILL ME…YOU WATCH…TOO MUCH…LIFETIME!!!”

Doctor [sigh]: “The victim always tries to protect the abuser…”

Reese: “MY…MOTHER…IS NOT…A KILLER!!!”

Doctor [heavy sigh & shaking her head]: “That’s what they all say.”

Reese: “SHE..DID NOT…TRY TO KILL ME!!!”

Doctor: “Yes, yes, sure Ms. Law Girl. Sure.”

Reese: “Oh…you suck…so much…doctor…you suck…so much…”





Later that Day

1:00pm

Reese’s Mom’s House




CC: “REESE!!! WAKE UP!!! I WANT TO WATCH SOME HARUHI!!!”

Reese [half-asleep]: “What…CC, I’m on bed rest…leave me alone…”

CC: “Bed rest? Get your lazy butt up and set up the Haruhi episodes for me!!”

Reese: “CC!!! I HAVE TO REST!!! YOU KNOW I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM LAST NIGHT!!!”

CC: “You went to the hospital last night?”

Reese: “YES!!!”

CC: “I didn’t know that. Usaugi, did you know Reese was in the hospital last night?”

Usaugi: “…”

Reese: “CC…take yourself…and your stupid, useless dog out of my room!!!”

CC: “Okay, okay, we’ll be back in an hour to watch some Haruhi. C’mon Usaugi!”

Usaugi: “…”

Reese [sighing]: “Something is very wrong with my life.”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, July 07, 2006

On this the Day of Her Daughter's Birth...

My mother was given a free trip to Miami. I got nothing.



Whatever.



Yes, today is my birthday. Don’t wish me a happy one, because it’s not. It’s a very unhappy birthday. Everything leading up to this birthday was jacked up; including how I was hospitalized for smoke inhalation (I’ll tell you about that later). But, really, it’s just par for the course as I was born on the unluckiest day known to man.


Really, it’s well known that my birthday (7/7) is an unholy day. Here are some bad things that happened on 7/7:



- Car bombs explode in London

- May Surratt and three other people were hung in Washington, D.C. for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Lincoln

- The United States annexed Hawaii (hey, Native Hawaiians were not happy about that!)

- President Clinton delivered more Whitewater trial testimony before video cameras, this time testifying in case of two Arkansas bankers accused of making political contributions with bank funds

- Racial violence erupted in Bradford, England, as Asian and white youths ran amok in the streets armed with firebombs and baseball bats

- U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison (some more land we stole, but this time we flipped it and gave it to Arnold Schwarzenegger)

- 11-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, left for a visit to the Soviet Union at the personal invitation of Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov. She was never seen again.




See what I mean?



Okay, the stuff about Samantha Smith never being seen again is not true. But, everything else happened on 7/7. All bad! Hangings, bombings, racial violence, California. Oh, will the unholy effects of 7/7 ever end!!



Anyways, for today, the day of my birth, I’m going to the doctor to get more treatment for my smoke inhalation.



Sigh. It never ends…



More stuff coming next week- I promise. In the meantime, here are some more unlucky b@stards that were born on 7/7…



- Ringo Star

- Shelley Duvall

- Michelle Kwan

- Jorja Fox

- Vonda Shepard

- Cree Summer




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.