Friday, September 23, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 121 to Day 151

A “Love”-ly Christmas Present

Reese: “Can’t someone narrate this story for me? I’m busy!”

Everyone Else: “BUSY?!?!”

CC: “I’ll tell you what busy is fool! Busy is studying for the CPA exam!!”

Poor Working Girl: “No, busy is trying to save the Ancient Land Far, Far Away!!”

Karma: “Nooo, busy is dealing with this Hurricane Rita situation!!”

Rita: “Bitch, please! Busy is being a hurricane in the first place. I’ll show Katrina- always trying to get the attention!!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “You are all wrong. For busy is training an incompetent heroine.”

Poor Working Girl: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Reese: “Well, someone has to do this for me.”

Rita: “Be-otch, I don’t have to do anything but be a hurricane and die.”

Reese: “Isn’t there someone…”


Reese: “Someone…”


Reese: “Anyone who can narrate for me??”


Reese: “Oh, fine! I’ll do it myself.”


Hello, everyone. And welcome to your next, long-awaited installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

Umm, you do remember this segment don’t you? It’s the story of Lisa and Mike and their inevitable break-up. You know, we laugh at their insanity?

Remember now?

Yea, good times. Good times.

Okay, so when we last left off Lisa and Mike were fighting about something. I’m not quite sure what it was, but it doesn’t really matter. Because, despite the fight that never really happened, Lisa has decided that now is the time.

That today is the day.

That, on one very special day, she will give Mike the greatest Christmas present a girl can give her boyfriend.

No, it’s not sex. Lisa gave that gift fairly early, remember?

No, it’s the gift…

…of LOVE.

Say it with me, ya’ll…


Alright, so Lisa has a really good plan to tell Mike that she loves him. She told me all about it last winter…

Lisa: “Merry Christmas, Negro!!!”

Reese: “You mean, Ra-mas? You know I don’t celebrate Christmas.”

Lisa: “Oh, Reese. Do you have to take a “stand” on everything?”

Reese: “God forsaken, miserable holiday!”

Lisa: “Today, Reese, you will be visited by 3 spirits…”

Reese: “Joke all you want, but I’m getting brownie points from God for not celebrating Ra-mas. You’ll see. You’ll ALL see!!!”

Lisa: “Cue manic laughter…”


Lisa: “Predicting everyone’s demise again, are you Reese?”


Lisa: “Are you done yet?”

Reese: “Just once more.”

Lisa: “Fine.”


Lisa: “Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, I have to tell you something.”

Reese: “What?”

Lisa: “I’m in love with Mike.”

Reese: [silence]

Lisa: “Hello?”


Lisa: “What’s so funny?!?!”

Reese: “You’re in love with Mike?”

Lisa: “Yea.”

Reese: “Okay, whatever.”

Lisa: “What, you think I’m incapable of love?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Lisa: “See, I don’t know why I even talk to you about these things!!!”

Reese: “Uh-huh. So, have you told Mike this immense untruth yet?”

Lisa: “NO! It’s not an untruth. AND, I’m going to tell him for his Christmas present. It’s going to be perfect.”

Reese: “You’re going to tell Mike you love him for Christmas?”

Lisa: “Yeah!”

Reese: “But, you don’t celebrate Christmas. You’re one of them Islams.”

Lisa: “I DO celebrate Christmas.”

Reese: “Do the Islams-in-Charge know that?”

Lisa: “Christmas is not a holiday associated with religion in any way now. It’s completely corporate. On top of that, MUSLIMS do believe in Jesus, you know?”

Reese: [silence]

Lisa: “Hello?”

Reese: “I’m going to tell the Islams-in-Charge that you’re celebrating Christmas.”

Lisa: “I hate you, Reese.”

Reese [teasing]: “You’re gonna get kicked out of Mecca! Nah-nah-nee-boo-boo!!!”

Lisa: “There’s so much wrong with what you just said.”

Reese: “No more Mecca for you, terrorist.”

Lisa: “I truly, truly hate you.”

Reese: “Hehehehehehe!”

Lisa: “It’s not funny!!!”

Reese: “Yes, it is! Because it’s so easy to mess with you. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “Goodbye, Reese.”

Reese: “Hehehehehe, bye.”

Lisa: “Oh, and I’m never speaking to you again.”


Lisa: “I hate you!”

Yea, so this was the story of how Lisa got kicked out of Mecca.

No, wait. That’s not the story I was telling.

Oh, okay, this was the first part of the story of how Lisa told Mike that she loved him.

Here’s the second part…

So, Lisa had it all planned out. She and Mike would have a nice, pre-Christmas dinner together. And, then, when they exchanged gifts, she would look into Mike’s eyes, tenderly touch his face, and then say those 3 Damming Words.

Disgusting, I know.

Mike: “So, Lisa, here are your gifts. No peaking until Christmas. I hope you like what I got for you.”

Lisa: “And, Mike here’s what I got for you. Oh, and one more thing…”

Mike: “What’s that?”

Lisa [looking into Mike’s eyes]: “Well, we’ve been dating for a while…”

Mike: “Uh-huh…”

Lisa [tenderly touching Mike’s face]: “…and, we’ve grown so close. So, for Christmas, I thought you should know…”

“I Love You.”

Mike: “I know. You told me a couple of weeks ago.”

Lisa: “WHAT!?!?”


A Couple of Weeks Ago…

Mike: “Alright, Lisa, I’m off to work. See ya.”

Lisa [getting dressed for work- not paying attention to what she’s saying]: “Okay, Mike. I love ya’.”

Mike [stops in his tracks]: “What?!?!”

Lisa: “I said, ‘bye’.”

Mike [with a huge grin on his face]: “Okay. Love you too. Bye!”

Lisa: “What?”


Lisa: “Wow. I totally don’t remember that!”

Mike: “Well, you said it. Actually, you’ve said it several times, now. Like, when I brought your Netflix DVD’s in the house…”

Lisa: “Oh, love ya' for that, thanx.”

Mike: “Or when we were playing on your PS2…”

Lisa: “I love you for being so horrible at video games, Mike.”

Mike: “And, of course, during, well…”


Mike: “But, I didn’t count the times during…you know…”

Lisa: “Wow. That’s amazing. I don’t even remember any of these times.”

Mike: “Yea, I figured as much. But, it still meant a lot to me.”

Lisa: “Hmmph? Well, whatever.”

Mike: “So, does that mean I get an extra Christmas present since you already told me you love me a couple of weeks ago?”

Lisa: “No, it just means that I have extra money to buy anime.”

Mike: “Yea, I thought so.”

Lisa: “And, you know me well.”


What a wonderful load of crap.

Makes you feel all warm and tingly or something.

Okay, folks, tune in next time for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 152 to Day 202. A Turn for the Worse.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


If anyone thinks they can start dissing Muslims because of my conversation with Lisa, know that you will incur the Wrath of Reese.

You have to be a real friend of "Lisa's" to make such jokes.

Just letting you know. ;)

11:13 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Huh For once you got it almost exactly right. I see you are moving right along. Soon you will be only 8 months behind.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Michael Newfoundland said...

I have the authority to speak for "Mike." They were at Lisa's place at night. Lisa was laying in Mike's arms. She said, "I love you . . ., it's just hard for me to say out loud."

7:53 AM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

you always give me something to laugh, smile, think about, and can even frown upon (such as life)... intersting post

I know what you're talking about Mike, I was like that for a long time, I love you don't always come out as easy as we feel it.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Mike, what are you doing? Why are you messin' with my story by putting real emotions into it.

Stop it. Stop it right now! ;)

Awww, shux. Thanx, Envizable (BTW, I'm now going to call you Viz because I'm way to lazy to write out your whole screen name- that's okay, right? ;)

2:23 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Ha! I think my husband tried to tell me that he told me he loved me before the night I remember he did. I don't buy it though.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

oh geez. is this a true story?

I seriously think you use my stories as ideas for your stories.
I'm gonna start copyrighting my stuff! LOL

4:49 PM  
Blogger Caro said...


i love me my pocket reese.

yes, it is true......i have not coverted you into pocket form to both empower and make me laugh. i've alreay had a pocket karla and i'm getting a reese!

4:57 PM  
Blogger Shari said...

I don't think anyone should take "I love ya" or even a full out "I love you" (if said or screamed during sex) as the real thing. We are programmed to say it! Programmed I tell you!

One must only take it seriously when you are touched on the face, looked at directly, and given a gift.

Most definately.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

ROTFL @ all of your comments. That's great stuff. :D

Dez: Why do you always think I'm scheming something? First you said that "Lisa," wasn't real, now you say I'm writing your life story. I can't win, I tell you. I can't win! ;p~~~

Caro: Pocket form? Is that why I think I'm shrinking? Let a sister know next time you go around shrinking people.

R: Don't listen to Kom. He's just messin' with your mind.

Shari: Thanx for stopping by! I think you're right. This story should be in the Guidebook of Love.

Is there a Guidebook? I volunteer to write it! ;)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL, like always you crack me up girl. Yay for the return of Mike and "Lisa"

10:11 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Cause youre a schemer Reese, A schemer I tell ya!!!

I know ALL about your kind.


12:11 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL ! :)

Okay, Dez, if you say so. I've been secretly following you around, taking notes on your day to day life so as to make the latest epidsode of WTADR.

Now, you'll just have to explain all of this to "Lisa." She thinks the story is about her. ;)

12:27 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Aww, I was sure you were going to let DJ narrate!

1:23 PM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

Wait, wait. She thought telling him she loved him would make a great gift? heaven help her.

9:16 AM  

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