Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Something Different Exclusive: Interview with a Hurricane

DISCLAIMER: The following is a satirical look at the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. This is a very serious catastrophe and I, in no way, take it lightly. But, I was inspired by various comments I’ve heard and read from people everywhere and I had the sudden urge to write this. I wrestled with the idea that maybe it was too soon to post this or that this was in bad taste. I sincerely hope that you all get it and are not offended. Offense was definitely not the intent.


We interrupt the previous post about Reese’s first day of work, to bring you a Something Different (SD) Exclusive.

After a much dogged pursuit, SD was able to secure an interview with Hurricane Katrina, herself. We sent our Emmy-winning reporter, Karma, out to conduct the interview.

And now, Katrina’s side of the story….

Karma: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today, you are witness to a historic event. You will actually get to hear, from the hurricane’s own mouth, what exactly happened last week on the Gulf Coast of the US from the murderer…”

Katrina: “I am not a murderer…”

Karma: “…the murderer herself. Welcome, Hurricane Katrina.”

Katrina: “Actually, from this point on, I’d like to be called the Hurricane Formerly Known as Katrina.”

Karma: “Are you serious?”

Katrina: “Yes.”

Karma: “How about if I just call you ‘Katrina?’”

Katrina: “Ms. Katrina- if you’re a nasty hurricane.”

Karma: “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

Katrina: “Yea, you know like Janet Jackson’s song ‘Nasty Boys,’ where she says call her “Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.” So, instead of Ms. Jackson…”

Karma: “Okay, just stop…”

Katrina: “I said, Ms. Katrina- if you’re a nasty hurricane. Funny, huh?”

Karma: “No, not really.”

Katrina: “Hey, say it’s funny or I’ll blow your house down.”

Karma: “Is that supposed to be a joke, too?”

Katrina: “Yes.”

Karma: “It’s not funny.”

Katrina: “Well, sorry, Ms. Reap What You Sow.”

Karma: “Katrina, let’s get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? Why did you devastate the Gulf Coast last week?”

Katrina: “Well, basically it was a dare.”

Karma: “A dare?”

Katrina: “See, last year the BH3...”

Karma: “Who are the BH3?”

Katrina: “You know, the Beautiful Hurricanes 3- Ivan, Frances, and Charley?”

Karma: “Ohhhhh…”

Katrina: “Yea, the BH3 dared me to be the biggest, baddest hurricane to hit the US. “

Karma: “Really?”

Katrina: “Yea, so of course, I ain’t no punk! So, I had to accept the dare.”

Karma: “Uh-huh. So, tell us, how does one become the “baddest” hurricane ever? Who were your influences?”

Katrina: “Well, of course there was Camile.”

Karma: “Of course.”

Katrina: “And then there was my big brother Andrew.”

Karma: “Hurricane Andrew was your big brother?”

Katrina: “Oh, yea, our parents were green house gas effects and unusually warm ocean temperatures.”

Karma: “Get out! I did not know that green house gas effects and unusually warm ocean temperatures were your parents!”

Katrina: “You didn’t know? But, you’ve done so much work with my parents?!?!”

Karma: “You know, you work with people for years, but do you really know them? I mean, really?”

Katrina: “Yea, I know what you mean. You’d think Hurricane Hugo and Andrew would have been good friends, but no. Didn’t care to get to know each other.”

Karma: “So, you wanted to win the dare?”

Katrina: “Yea.”

Karma: “Well, I think you accomplished your goal.”

Katrina: “Not really. I stumbled late in the game and lost my concentration.”

Karma: “Are you talking about when you were downgraded from a Category 5 hurricane to a Category 4 hurricane?”

Katrina: “Yea, a bit stupid on my part.”

Karma: “What happened?”

Katrina: “Well, I had just hit Miami, Florida. I had decided to just give them a taste of what I could do. You know, like how Ebola was just a precursor to the AIDS virus?”

Karma: “Right.”

Katrina: “Yea, so I get in the gulf coast. I start lifting weights, whatever, getting really big, you know? Then, I’m finally at full strength, although several miles away from the coast.”

Karma: “Yea…”

Katrina: “And, I’m churning away, getting closer and closer, and I notice something- the humans. They’re not leaving!”

Karma: “What do you mean?”

Katrina: “I mean, some people saw me coming and left, but there were thousands that were just sitting there. No one was getting them out of town! It was so funny to me. I just started laughing uncontrollably. Next thing you know, I had laughed myself to the east and lost some of my wind.”

Karma: “Bummer.”

Katrina: “I know!”

Karma: “So, you were initially aiming for New Orleans, then?”

Katrina: “Yea, I mean, I had to hit New Orleans. I just HAD to!”

Karma: “Why?”

Katrina: “Because, the city is in a freakin’ bowl! A BOWL! It’s in a BOWL! It’s like the city WANTED me to come. It practically rolled out the red carpet.”

Karma: “Hmmm, and what about the city’s protection? The levees?”

Katrina: “Not my fault.”

Karma: “What!?!?”

Katrina: “Hey, I’m just wind and rain and a couple of tornados. You can’t blame me for the levees breaking.”

Karma: “Katrina, that doesn’t make any sense!!!”

Katrina: “Sure it does. How was I supposed to know the levees would break?!?!”

Karma: “But, everyone knows the levees could only withstand a Category 3 storm!”

Katrina: “Yea.”

Karma: “And you were a Category 5/4 storm. So, of course the levees broke!!”

Katrina: “Not my fault.”

Karma: “Katrina…”

Katrina: “You know who’s fault all of this is?”

Karma: “Whose?”

Katrina: “The looters.”

Karma: “Oh, Katrina…”

Katrina: “I mean, it’s just DEPLORABLE! People stealing flat screen televisions. Those televisions don’t belong to you people!!”

Karma: “Well, that’s true.”

Katrina: “Yea, I mean, how awful. With all those people suffering and then here comes some thugs stealing stuff like flat screen T.V.’s.”

Karma: “It is morally abhorrent!”

Katrina: “Exactly!”

Karma: “Yea, I mean, I didn’t get the chance to steal of flat screen T.V.!”

Katrina: “I know!”

Karma: “And, another thing…”

Katrina: “Yea…”

Karma: “Well, I hate those people who…”

Katrina: “Yea…”

Karma: “Hey, wait a minute!”

Katrina: “What?”

Karma: “Katrina, you’re trying to trick me!”

Katrina [with a southern belle accent]: “Why, whatever do you mean? I’m just an innocent little hurricane!”

Karma: “Katrina, are you trying to divert attention away from your obvious fault so that you don’t get blamed and, at the same time, make yourself feel better by alluding that the humans suffering deserve what they are getting?”

Katrina: [silence]

Karma: “Katrina?!?!”

Katrina: “Oh, alright, chica you got me! Man, you are just too quick Karma!”

Karma: “What can I say? I see right through the crap.”

Katrina: “Yea, well, I still say this isn’t my fault.”

Karma: “Well, people really shouldn’t be blaming anyone right now. We need to focus on helping the refugees.”

Katrina: “Plus, by not focusing on it now, in the future, when everyone does want to focus on it, I can conveniently tell everyone that my actions were in the past and that we need to move on to a brighter future.”

Karma: “Katrina, can I ask you something?”

Katrina: “Sure.”

Karma: “Are you a bitch?”

Katrina: “Well, I was voted Most Likely to Destroy the Gulf Coast and Cripple the U.S. Economy in a Bitch-Like Manner.”

Karma: “And, that’s something to be proud of, I guess.”

Katrina: “Sure is.”

Karma: “Well, Katrina, I would like to thank you for talking to us today.”

Katrina: “No problem.”

Karma: “Of course, what goes around comes around, and God did instruct me to turn you into your present state- vapor.”

Katrina [in fake Austrian accent]: “I’ll Be Bach!”

Karma: “Right.”

“Well, it’s been real informative for me, folks. I hope it has been for you. Tune in next time when we interview another disaster waiting to happen. This is your diligent reporter, Karma, signing off.”

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You've gone too far this time Reese.
There's funny and not funny.
I would have expected more from YOU of all people.
This is disgraceful and I'm personally insulted.

How could you?
"Ms. Katrina if you're a nasty hurricane"?!?!

Sick. SICK I tell you!
I don't know if I can forgive you....

My comment verification word was: zplgwg

Which is Welsh for "Your Zepplin is being towed"

8:55 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I'm so sorry.

I knew I had gone too far.

I should be ashamed of myself.

But, it's not my fault. How was I supposed to know that posting that would be offensive. Sure I wrote a warning about it before the actual post, but that doesn't mean I knew the post was bad.

Your taking offense greatly surprises me, J. ;)

BTW, I'm the owner of this site. Why do I have to do word verification? ;p

9:57 AM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

wow... enlightening entertainment with the truth. Hey Ms Reese my favorite law girl. I loved the story to the human side of reality vs the force of nature.

see ya around!

10:16 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I was surprised too.
Normally a Janet Jackson joke cheers me right up, but this time it was different.

My verification word was: xxzzz

Which is Narcoleptic for the act of rolling over after sex "Muah Muah zzzzzzzzzz'

11:27 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Katrina: “Well, I had just hit Miami, Florida. I had decided to just give them a taste of what I could do. You know, like how Ebola was just a precursor to the AIDS virus?”

OK - am I a sick sick puppy that I found this to be funny??? You're too funny, Ms. Reese. And, now, I'll walk off in shame that I found this so funny. Wait, actually, I won't.

Thanks for the laughs Reese! How's Miami? And, more importantly, how is your first day of work going?

11:30 AM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Shame on you for making light of a horrible tragedy. I am offended. I am reporting you to the government. The big bad government who will swiftly and efficiently take care of people like you. Shame, I say again shame.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

hilarious. This is exactly why your link on my blog is called Reese the Piece. And geez just goes to show how lazy I am. I really have to see a good post to take the extra five seconds to type in the word verification. mine was vxmbrmgu......sounds like my utterings when I'm drunk

2:00 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hey, Envizable. Thanx for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the read. :)

Joanne: Hey, I'm the one who wrote the Ebola/Aids Miami/New Orleans connection. So, techinically, I'm the sickest puppy of all. ;)

I had a post of my first day of work. I took it down to put this one up. I'll probably put the work post up tomorrow. So far, so good on the job front though. :)

Kaci: Oooo, I have a new nickname! I like it! Thanx! :D

Still, I repeat that I'm the administrator of this site. So, why do I have to do word verification?!?!

2:51 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL....Reese you crack me up girl. LOL how did you know that i was enjoying my FOUR hour meeting?....lol. Glad to hear that the new job is going well.

10:21 PM  
Blogger gloria said...

Hey girl its me!

I found this post to be funny..in a sick, twisted sort of way.

I hope you are loving MIAMI!!

singing.. "MIAMI is nice, so I'll say it Thrice"...Miami, miami~~~golden girls fan here..

11:45 PM  
Blogger The Mon With The Plon, loike said...

I was shocked to hear about people shooting at rescue helicopters.... George Bush was flying lower than a kilometre overhead!!!

8:21 AM  
Blogger Brother Kojak said...

You need to smoke more weed...

3:01 PM  
Blogger anika said...

It made me laugh my head off ...

eiozuu: the drunk version of 'Old MacDonald had a farm'

3:11 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

nothing like a good dose of satire.

"Katrina: 'Oh, yea, our parents were green house gas effects and unusually warm ocean temperatures.'"

people need to get over themselves. *runs away as to not get stoned*

i'm a cynical bitch, what?

love it.

stay clever and caring.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I'm sorry, Brother Kojak, but you think I need to smoke more weed?

J/K, of course!

Or am I?

Anika, my word is xpukzne. It's latin for ex-punk who can't post her own satire without putting a disclaimer up in front of it.

7:58 AM  

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