Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Great Sock Debate



For those of you who are not fluent in twin speak, I have translated the above video for you. I suggest you first watch the video and then read the translation so you can truly understand the importance of this groundbreaking look into the mind of babies.

Because we only know the twins as “R” and “S,” I’m dubbing the baby with two socks as “R” and the baby with one sock as “S.” I don’t know if these are the babies’ true identities. Just go with me on this…



R: “Hey, dude. You know you only have one sock on?”

S: “Yeah, man, it looks cool, right?”

R: “Well, actually, you look crazy. Like, really crazy.”

S: “Heh, man, you’re so dramatic.”

R: “No really, it’s not right to wear just one sock.”

S: “Dude, stop busting my balls, seriously. With one sock on I’m guaranteed to keep at least one foot nice and cool.”

R: “But, you’re susceptible to hidden dangers when you walk around bare foot!”

S [laughing]: “Hidden dangers?!? Like what?!?”

R: “Like splinters!”

S [laughing]: “Dude, this floor is laminate.”

R [looking down]: “Oh, so it is. But, still, it’s not a good look.”

S: “Nah, man. I’m cool. Just leave me alone.”

R: “But, dude, I’m telling you, you look crazy.”

S [laughing]: “Wow. You are such a drama queen.”

R [waving indiscriminately]: “I’m not a drama queen!”

S: “Yeah, you are.”

R: “No, I’m not!”

S: “Okay, you’re not.”

R: “Thank you.”

S [laughing]: “Sike! You’re a drama queen.”

R: “Okay, fine, but you know what? That’s why you have to hang on to the fridge to stand. Because you only have one sock on!”

S [laughing]: “What?!? Dude, that doesn’t even make any sense.”

R: “Okay, you know what. Enough! You need to just listen to me. You know what? Let’s ask mom.”

“Mom, shouldn’t ‘S’ have both socks on?”


[silence]


“Oh, wait, I forgot you can’t understand a word I’m saying.”

“Listen guy, just go find your other sock and put it on.”

S: “No.”

R [exasperated]: “Sometimes, I really just can’t even deal with you!”

S: “And they say I’m the crazy weird one! You’re nuts, dude.”

R: “You know what, don’t come crying to me when you’ve hit rock bottom. Do you know what it looks like to hit rock bottom? You’re way down here when you hit rock bottom.” [R illustrates what rock bottom looks like]

S: “Nah, dude you know what, I’m cool. I’m straight. I’m just going to hang out by the fridge over here.”

R: “Listen to what I’m trying to tell you!”

S: “I don’t want to listen!”

R: “I’m trying to save you from rock bottom!”

S: [looks at brother like he’s a lunatic]


The End.


And thus ends The Great Sock Debate of 2011. I would like to thank “R” and “S” for getting me out of my nearly year long writing drought. For the record, I must say, I’m totally Team S on this one.


© 2011. All Rights Reserved.

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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

July 7, 2010: The Day the Funny Died

And now, a special report from Something Different News. And here’s our ace reporter, Karma.


Karma: “Good evening, America…and…places that are not America. Tonight, we recognize the talent and laziness that is the owner and creator of Something Different, Reese the Lawgirl.”

“Reese, good evening. It’s good to see you.”


Reese: “Ahh, thanks Karma. It’s…it’s good to be here. Good to be back.”

Karma: “So then, you are back now, Reese?”

Reese: “No, absolutely not.”

Karma: “Mmm-hmmm, interesting. Please explain.”

Reese: “Well, Karma, as you know today is my birthday.”

Karma: “Yes, a glorious day indeed.”

Reese: “Yes, yes, well, I am 33 years old Karma…”

Karma: “33?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Karma: “Really?”

Reese: “Yes. Uhh…you should know this. I mean, you are Karma.”

Karma: “Well, I just thought, you know…see a little crows feet there…thought maybe you were a bit older...”

Reese: “Ohhh, hahahaha…I hate you, Karma.”

Karma: “Oh, I’m just kidding with you girl. You don’t look a day over 33.”

Reese: “Ha! I really hate you.”

Karma: “Alright, alright. As you were saying...”

Reese: “Yes, well, I’m getting older…”

Karma: “Mmmm-hmmm, we can see that…”

Reese [interrupts]: “ANNNDDD, I feel as if things have changed for me. I started this blog when I was 28. At the time, I had so many dreams. I was unemployed and over educated. The world was my clam…”

Karma: “Ummm…”

Reese: “And I could do anything with that clam. And I did. I wrote blogs about stupid celebrities, and bad relationships, and poor working girls, and tales from the childhood, and hot boy fantasies. But, the thing is, you grow up. And you change. And you’ve written everything you wanted to write about until you just don’t have anything left. And, when that happens, well, it’s time to move on.”

Karma: “Hmmm…”

Reese: “Yes, I know. It’s all very deep…”

Karma: “Not really…”

Reese [ignoring Karma]: “What can I say? I’m a very thought provoking individual. And, I think now it’s really time to bid adieu. I really have nothing more to say.”

“Yes, I think that today, July 7, 2010, is a fitting end to Something Different.”

Karma: “Reese…”

Reese: “Yes?”

Karma: “Cut the crap.”

Reese: “Whaaaaaaatttt??”

Karma: “You are not out of ideas. You are not too old to keep writing. The truth is, number 1, you are lazy…”

Reese: “Ehhhh….”

Karma: “And, number 2, you let the state of Florida suck all of the life out of you. I mean, really? You’re going to allow Florida to destroy you, really? Florida? FLORIDA?!?”

Reese: “But, but, but…”

Karma: “Yes, there’s a ton of sunshine. And, sure the people here don’t understand sarcasm. And, yeah, yeah, it’s no fun making fun of simple people instead of pretentious wannabe power players. But, you can’t let that stop you!”

“You need to reclaim your funny!”


Reese: “How…how do I do that?”


Karma: “Well, first, how about you actually commit to finishing that Poor Working Girl story?”

Reese: “Yes…commit…”

Karma: “That’s right. Commit to the story. Make a writing schedule. Promise to write something substantive at least once a week.”

Reese: “Yes! Schedule! Weekly writing!”

Karma: “You can do this, Reese! I’m rooting for you. We’re all rooting for you!!”

Reese: “I…I CAN DO THIS!!”

Karma: “Now go!! Go be that awesome Lawgirl we’ve come to love!”

Reese: “YES!! BE AWESOME!!”

Karma: “BE AWESOME!!”

Reese: “AWESOME!!”

Karma: “AWESOME!!!!”


[silence]


[silence]


[silence]


Reese: “Can…can I start being awesome tomorrow because I’m kind of hungry, right now…”

Karma: [silence]

Reese: “Actually, maybe I can start next week because this week I’m going on vacation…”

Karma: “Hrrumpphh…”

Reese: “Well, this summer is actually really busy. I’m saying though, in September I will totally be ready to be awesome…”

Karma: “You know what, Reese? Just forget it. How about that? Forget it.”

Reese: “Hey, now don’t be like that Karma…”

Karma [takes off her mic]: “No, no. I’m so done with you…I’m leaving…”

Reese: “Ahh, Karma, come on! I’m not saying I’m never going to be awesome. Just, you know, later…”

[Karma walks away]

Reese [yells at Karma]: “I MEAN SOONER RATHER THAN LATER….”

[Karma has left the building]

Reese: “Geesh, so emotional. What’s her deal?”


[silence]


[silence]


[silence]



Reese: “Well, goodnight folks! Have a pleasant today and a happy tomorrow!”




The End




?????





© Copyright 2010. All Rights Reserved.

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Sunday, March 14, 2010

2010 SD Bracket Challenge: Join Now!!!

Sigh.

I know I haven't posted anything this year. But, I've had a series of fortunate and unfortunate events happen this year. I haven't had time and/or heart to post anything of my usual style. I'm hoping that March Madness will wake me up and get me back to my normal self. And, for that to happen, I need all of you to join up for the SD Bracket Challenge and make sure that no Canadians win the the challenge this year.

So, you know, do it for me...please?!?!


Here's how to do it...


1) Go here.

2) The group name is SD Bracket Challenge. The password is "lawgirl."

3) You must sign up for an ESPN account if you don't have one already.

4) Entries must be received before the tipoff of the first game on Thursday, March 18th. So, you probably want to get your entry in by Thursday morning. Don't forget!!


Okay, so you know, sign up. Help get me out of my funk. I'd appreciate it! :)

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Songs of 2009

I'm going to make this short and sweet.




Song of the Year for 2009...




...taking over the crown held last year from Alanis Morissette's Citizen of the Planet...





...SONG OF THE YEAR IS....









"This is It" by Michael Jackson






Look people, I could have picked "G4L" by Rihanna, "Heard 'Em All" by Amerie, "Starlight" by Muse, or any five songs off of Kid Cudi's CD, but this is Michael Jackson. He made Thriller!


Anyways, CD of the Year I'm totally conflicted on. So, here are the FOUR CD's of the Year. You can pick the one which best represents you:

Amerie's In Love & War

Kid Cudi's Man on the Moon: The End of the Day

Rihanna's Rated R

&

Muse's Black Holes and Revelations




Yeah for variety!



Anyways, here's the rest of the best....



-------------------------------



“3” Britney Spears

“Bad Romance” Lady Gaga

"Boom Boom Pow" Black Eyed Peas

"Break up" Mario f/t Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett

"Calle Ocho" Pitbull

“Cudi Zone” Kid Cudi

"Day 'N' Nite" Kid Cudi

"Diva" Beyonce

"Eat You Up" BoA

“Empire State of Mind” Jay-Z f/t Alicia Keys

"Energetic" BoA

“G4L” Rihanna

"Gee" Girls' Generation

“Hard” Rihanna

“Heard ‘Em All” Amerie

“Higher” Amerie

"I Hate This Part" The Pussycat Dolls

“Knights of Cydonia” Muse

"Krazy" Pitbull

"Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf f/t Lil' Wayne

“Let the Beat Rock (Boys Noize Megamix)" Black Eyed Peas f/t Gucci Mane

"Love Game" Lady Gaga

"Pretty Wings" Maxwell

“Pursuit of Happiness” Kid Cudi

“Red Eye” Amerie

"She Wolf" Shakira

“Soldier’s Poem” Muse

"Stand and Deliver" No Doubt

“Starlight” Muse

"Swagga Like Us" Kanye West, Jay-Z, T.I., Lil' Wayne

“Telephone” Lady Gaga f/t Beyonce

"The God in Me" Mary Mary

"The Great Divide" Emmy Rossum

“The Flowers” Amerie

“Under the Milky Way” Sia

“Video Phone” Beyonce f/t Lady Gaga

“Wait Your Turn” Rihanna

"Waking Up in Vegas" Katy Perry

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 2]



Jem and the Holograms.


Once on top of the world, these girls could do no wrong.


In the mid-eighties, they took off with such mega-hits as, “Truly Outrageous,” “The Jem Theme (Truly Outrageous),” and “(Truly Outrageous) Jem Girl.”


With such a wide variety of outrageous songs, no one was prepared for the Hologram’s meltdown…


…which was caused by a Trojan worm virus created by Synergy…
















But, before all of that there was the good life that Jem had created for herself, her sisters, both real and conveniently adopted, and the hot teenagers of Starlight House. And the biggest player in that good life had to be Jem’s purple haired heart throb boyfriend, Rio Pachenco…


Rio: “How you doin’?”

Rio Pachenco was every girl’s dream in 1985. A racially ambiguous hunk who appeared to have a heart of gold. But, what the fans didn’t know was that under the appearance of a gold heart was a level of douchebaggery that was beyond comprehension.



We caught up with Rio at his undisclosed offices somewhere in Central Florida…


VH1: “Rio, what exactly do you do here in central Florida?”

Rio: “Well, you know…I counsel people…”

VH1: “Uh-huh?”

Rio: “You know, I set things up…”

VH1: “Set things up?”

Rio: “Well, you know, I have a lot of experience...juggling multiple ladies, so I offer my multi-tasking talents to others…in the area…”

VH1: “Are you Tiger Woods’ whore collector?”

Rio: “Yes, yes I am.”

VH1: “You…collect the whores for Tiger Woods?”

Rio: “Collect, manage, send them first class plane tickets to random golf events in Australia so Tiger can get some on the side, tomato, potato. You know, I do a little bit of everything.”
















VH1: “Well, you’re doing a bang up job with that.”

Rio: “Hey! Hey! I will not have my professional reputation sullied! I told Tiger, if there’s one thing you don’t do, you don’t cheat on your wife…”

VH1 [interrupting]: “Really? You told Tiger not to cheat on his wife?”

Rio: “Absolutely! I told Tiger, if there’s one thing you don’t do, you don’t cheat on your wife and then get in a car accident at 2 o’clock in the morning! If you do both of those things the cat gets out of the bag!”

VH1: [heavy sigh]

Rio: “Well, I may have said the whore gets out of the bag…”


“No, no, I definitely said the cat gets out of the bag…”


VH1: “Oh, really?”

Rio: “Yes, now that I think about it, it was definitely “cat out of the bag.” Definitely cat.”

VH1: “Look, Rio, everyone wants to know what it was like dating Jem at that time. So just enlighten us so the crew and I can leave and disinfect ourselves…”

Rio: “No, problemo…”

VH1: “Geesh, I feel like I’ve caught herpes just by breathing the same air as you…”

Rio: “You know that was an exhilarating time dating Jem and Jerrica. Of course, they’re the same person, you know?”

VH1: “NO, WAY! YOU DON’T SAY?!?” [/end sarcasm]

Rio [clueless]: “Yeah, they were the same.”


“Anyways, at first, I tried to do the right thing and be the stand-up guy. I told Jem, ‘I can’t cheat on Jerrica with you. What if I get in a car accident at 2 o’clock in the morning? Then the cat will be out of the bag!’”

VH1: “Right…”

Rio: “But, Jem was adamant. I’d try to leave and she’d grab me and practically rape me and force me to stay with her. Really, I was sexually abused into participating in the Jem/Jerrica farce.”

VH1: “Right, right. So when did you realize that Jem and Jerrica were the same person?”

Rio: “Hmmm…it had to be the night of Countess Danielle DuVosin’s fashion show aboard her luxury yacht.”

“Everything was going great until The Misfits showed up and sabotaged the engine room. Everyone was scared and we ALMOST SUNK A BATTLESHIP!”

VH1: “Wait a minute, I think that last phrase there is trademarked.”

Rio: “No, it’s okay. We’re both Hasbro, so we cool.”

VH1: “Alright, continue.”

Rio: “Well, like I said, we almost sunk a battleship. But, then everything was cool again somehow. You see, that’s how stuff worked back then. Things would be life-threateningly bad and then everything would be cool again.”


“Well, anyways, we looked around to make sure all the passengers were accounted for. That’s when I noticed that Jerrica was missing. I asked the Holograms where Jerrica was and they told me that she was standing right in front of me wearing Jem’s clothes.”

“And that’s when I figured it out- Jem is Jerrica!”


VH1: “Rio, I must say your powers of deduction are legendary.” [/end sarcasm]

Rio: “Oh, well thank you!”

VH1: “Dude, did you not see the [/end sarcasm] tag? Are you that stupid? Seriously? I mean, seriously!?!?”

Rio: [confused]

VH1: “Okay, that’s a rap on Rio!”







We left Rio in the pits of hell to look for The Misfits who we knew had to be close by.


The Misfits.


Their name strikes fear in the hearts of fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.


The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to eliminate Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never capable of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…





VH1: “Stormer and Roxy, how are you?”

Stormer: “Peace be with you my brothers and sisters.”

Roxy: “Yeah…what she said.”

VH1: “Now, Stormer you are a born again former murderer, is that correct?”

Stormer: “Oh, yes. You know back then I used to feel just awful about trying to kill Jem and Kimber and Shana and Aja and the Starlight Girls and Rio and Lin-Z and Mrs. Baily and all the others…”








Stormer: “I tried my best to convince the Misfits that killing was not the answer, but no one would ever listen to me. And, I for my part, always participated in setting up the murderous schemes.”

VH1: “But, why Stormer? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you just leave the Misfits?”

Stormer: “Peer pressure. I’m far too sensitive.”

VH1: “Mmm-hmmm…and Roxy, what about you? We’re told that you just arrived here in Volterra.”

Roxy: “Well, yeah, I’m here on some business…”

Stormer: “She’s here to take out the cast of Twilight!”

Roxy: “STORMER!! WHAT THE HELL?!? YOU’LL BLOW MY COVER!!!”

Stormer: “Don’t worry girls! I won’t let her kill Jacob!!”

VH1: “So, Roxy, you’re still killing people?”

Roxy: “Well, yes, but now I do it for money which is much more respectable then doing it because you’re crazy.”






VH1: “Mmmm-hmmm…so Stormer, tell us more about the Misfits in their heyday.”

Stormer: “Well, that was a hurtful time for me...and other people who were actually physically hurt. I really don’t like to talk about it. All I’ll say to the kids out there is to just say no…to killing people. Reject peer pressure!”

VH1: “And now, they know, Stormer.”

Stormer: “And knowing is half the battle!”

VH1: “Ummm….”

Stormer: “Hasbro here- we cool.”

VH1: “Right.”

Roxy: “Soooo, when are ya’ll leaving because I got a job to do…”

VH1: “Right, right.”



Pizzazz.



The dictionary defines the word pizzazz as “the quality of being exciting or attractive.”



Of course the Pizzazz we know was none of those things.










But, let’s catch up with her anyway, shall we?



Pizzaz is currently serving time in the women’s federal correctional institute in Dublin, California.




VH1: “Well, P…”

Pizzazz: “Call me “P” again and I’ll rip your hair out of your nostrils.”

VH1: “Mrs. Pizzazz, it’s no surprise that you ended up in a federal prison.”

Pizzazz: “Uh-huh…”

VH1: “But, the audience might be a little surprised by how you got here.”

Pizzazz: “Well, after the faux punk rock era died down, Roxy and I needed to make some money. So, we created a business.”

VH1: “A business?”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, that’s what I said, ain’t it?”

VH1 [scared]: “Yes, ma’am!”





Pizzazz: “Right, so we created a little business. You help us out with a little cash, and we help you out by taking out your biggest rival.”

VH1: “You were responsible for some of the biggest rival takedowns of the last twenty years.”

Pizzazz [proud]: “Sure was.”

VH1: “Nancy Kerrigan?”

Pizzazz: “Boy, we clubbed her good!”

VH1: “Kerri Strug?”

Pizzazz: “That little firecracker Dominique Moceanu insisted that Kerri had it coming!”

VH1: “The 2004 U.S. Men’s Basketball Dream Team?”

Pizzazz: “What? I have a soft spot for Argentina. I think Rio’s from there.”

VH1: “I also see Beyonce is on this list? Well…now that doesn’t make any sense, she’s more popular than ever.”

Pizzazz: “Two words for you: Lady Gaga.”

VH1: “And the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards?”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, see. It all started as a takedown of Taylor Swift…”

VH1: “Uh-huh…”

Pizzazz: “But, then Taylor’s people paid us some money to reverse the plan to make it a takedown of Kanye West.”

VH1: “I see…”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, but Taylor’s people are good. They disavowed any knowledge of the takedown plan and I ended up in jail on five counts of Making a Young White Woman Cry. That’s messed up!”

VH1: “Messed up, indeed.”


“But, Pizzazz, why all of the violence during the Jem era? If the Misfits really believed they were better, why not just prove it through the music?”


Pizzazz: “Okay, have you actually listened to our music?”


“Our most popular song was, “Making Mischief.”

The lyrics were “We’re making mischief. Making mischief. We’re really making mischief. We’re making mischief. Making mischief. We’re really making mischief. We’re making mischief…”

VH1: “STOP!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE!!”

Pizzazz: “So…that’s why we had to kill Jem. Because we couldn’t write songs, duh!”

VH1: “Alright, let’s talk about something more pleasant. Describe some of the changes that happened during the second season, I mean second year of the height of the Jem and the Holograms phenomenon.”

Pizzazz: “Well, now I hate the phantom zone mind that is Jem, but I will say this…”


“There was one girl who became a Hologram who contributed so much to mankind. What was her name, now? Oh, yes, Ray---“


[camera cuts away from Pizzazz]


Ahem…as Pizzazz has nothing further to add to the discussion, let’s go talk to some of the Holograms.



VH1: “Aja, what were your fondest memories of those days?”

Aja: “Well, there was one Hologram who I feel so fortunate to have met. And that person is Ray--“


Let’s talk to Kimber…



VH1: “Kimber, at the height of your fame…”

Kimber [interrupting]: “The amazing Ray--“


Stormer…


Stormer: “I feel so blessed to have met Ray--“

Roxy?!?

Roxy: “The only person who could get me to give up a life of crime is Ray--“


Oh, for pete’s sake! Can’t someone go 5 seconds without praising the name of Raya?!? She was just another tool used by “The Man” to conquer and divide the brown people in the Holograms!!


Aja: “There was only one brown person in the Holograms.”

Shana: “And, I’m not brown! Look at me!!”









“I’m literally in black face here!”



Yes, well this program will not participate in the further marginalization of Shana. First they take her role as drummer away and give it to Raya. Then they take her role as fashion designer away and give it to someone named Regine Cesare.


We will not let these slights against our sister…



Shana: “I’m white!”


…go unnoticed! Besides, we did a poll of the audience and found that no one wants to hear about Raya’s “remarkable story.”


Look, let’s ask a random audience member.


Ummm…you there! The beautiful and talented attorney with the gorgeous hair and impeccable wardrobe… Do you want to hear about Raya?


Reese the Lawgirl: “Who the hell is Raya?”


Exactly!

Besides, there are far more interesting stories to be heard about other minor characters.

I mean, who could forget, Jetta…









She became a saxophone player!


Roxy: “But, she was always a saxophone player…”


And Danse! The Hologram’s choreographer. Whatever happened to her?


Kimber: “She’s dead. Raya tried to save her life, but she couldn’t pull both Danse and her five year old daughter from the ledge of that cliff.”







And, who could forget that girl…you know the one with the thingies on her wrist…



[silence]



You know, the girl...with the thingies?







Yeah, her. Where’d she go?



[silence]




And, of course, there’s all the others…









Classic. They were just…full of…awesome.



Having thoroughly examined all the stories Behind the Music of Jem and the Holograms, we leave with just a few more words of reflection from Jem…


VH1: “Jem, why do you think it all ended?”

Jem [wistful]: “Well…[hack, cough, hack]…little girls grew up. Instead of cross colored hair, they got into cross colored jeans.”


“They became enemies of the public. Trying to do the right thing during their school daze. Always balancing between Love and Hate.”

VH1: “Soooo…you’re saying Spike Lee destroyed the Holograms?”

Jem: “Yes…yes…it was always Spike Lee…”








And there you have it folks. The crazy last words from a fractured, delusional mind.



This was the story of your heroines, America. A truly, truly outrageous story.



But, also a clusterfrak of ridiculousness.



This was
Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms.














All text is © Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Excuses, Excuses

I know, I know "Where's part 2 of the Jem story? Where is it?!? Give it to us now!!"

Okay, but I went to Sarasota and I injured myself and I had to recover. And then I caught the lazy and then I got tired.

But, it's coming.

Like at least by Wednesday.

Seriously, I just finished writing it.

See, here's a piece...



The Misfits.

Their name strikes fear in the hearts of pop culture fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.

The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to kill Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never successful of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…

[To Be Continued...]



And, that's all you get. Not to toot my own horn, but I think part 2 has exactly three laughs in it. Three whole laughs!



Yeah, I'm that good.



Alright, be on the lookout. It's coming this week (so is the 2009 Song of the Year post...who do you think should win? Seriously, who do you think because I haven't made up my mind yet?).



© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 1]







Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…









Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”




Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…



Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”






But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous...





Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”



This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.



This is Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms




Our story starts in 1985. Then, sisters Jerrica and Kimber Benton and their adopted sisters, Aja Leith and Shana Elmsford, were reeling from the sudden loss of Jerrica and Kimber’s father, Emmett Benton.



Grieving and totally broke, the young girls did not know then what the future held for them…




Aja: “I thought we were going to have to start working the streets!”

Kimber: “Well, sure, Dad owned a music company and Starlight House. When he died, he left Jerrica with 50% of Starlight Music. The only thing was…”

Shana: “…the only thing was that Starlight Music didn’t have any musical acts! Before Jem and Holograms and the Misfits, there were no artists at Starlight! I mean, really! How can you own a music company that has no musical acts? What is that?!?”

Aja [clearly disgusted]: “And, any money “Daddy Benton” had…”

Shana [rolls eyes]: “Ha! “Daddy” Benton…”

Aja: “…went to his oh, so precious Synergy…”

Kimber [choked up]: “...or you know, to his…his…”

Aja: “It’s okay Kimber, people need to know the truth.”

Kimber [crying]: “…the money…much of it went to Daddy’s...”

“…habit…”


Shana: “White linesssss…”














Aja: “People are always so shocked by this revelation, but honestly. How else does a 40 year old man die in the 80’s?”




Devastated, confused, mystified, and contemplating prostitution, Jerrica was forced to turn to the only person she knew who could help the girls get back on their feet…



General Eric Raymond.


Eric Raymond, now an army general and warden at Guantanamo Bay, was an enterprising young attorney and music mogul in the mid 80’s.





Eric: “Yeah, Jerrica came to me looking for help and I gave her none!”

“My philosophy to the music business back then is what it is today: kill or be killed.”

“Now, some people will think that’s an extreme position to take, but I say those people are just a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who don’t know how to operate in a dangerous world!”


Random Guantanmo Prisoner [extremely frightened]: “Here…here’s y-y-your w-w-water, siirrrr…”

Eric: “What did you call me? Did you just call me, ‘sir,’”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [scared to death]: “G-g-general! I mean, General!”

Eric: “Lieutenant! Take this peon to the home theater!”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [kicking and screaming]: “NOOO!!! NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! PLEASE GENERAL, NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE JEM AND MISFITS MUSIC VIDEOS!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!! I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER JEM COMA!!!!!”

Eric: “Get him out of here!”


[VH1 camera crew looks on in stunned silence]


Eric [straightening his uniform]: “Yes, that’s right. We torture the prisoners with music from the Holograms and the Misfits. I mean, have you ever actually listened to their music? Their song composition of choice was two bridges and 15 choruses!”

“Seriously, it was bridge-chorus-bridge-chorus...and then, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus! How else do you get to say the words “truly outrageous” one thousand times in a song?!?”




With Eric Raymond being of no help to Jerrica, the young ingénue, with the tacky pink eye-shadow, took it upon herself to create a new pop-rock band which would be fronted by a newly discovered, young ingénue with tacky pink eye-shadow. No one knew where Jerrica found this completely random and unknown singer...









All anyone knew was that this new standout wore tacky pink eye-shadow and looked exactly like Jerrica Benton...







Jem was a mystery...???...???...???























Jem: “Ahem, excuse me, but I’m Jerrica.”




Twenty-five years later, we catch up with Jem- a patient at St. Elizabeth’s Mental Hospital in Washington, D.C.




Jem [voice raspy from years of smoking and crazy people screaming]: “Oh, those were [cough, hack, cough]…those were the days.”

VH1 Interviewer: “So, are you saying that you are Jerrica Benton, Jem?”

Jem: [stares into space with the crazy eyes]

VH1 Interviewer: “Jem?”

Jem: “I’M JERRICA!!!!”



Unable to get a straight answer out of Jem, we talked with the Holograms to get confirmation on this stunning new development.



VH1: “So, is it true? Is Jem actually Jerrica Benton?”

Aja [sighing]: “Yes, it’s true. Jem and Jerrica are one in the same.”

VH1: “Amazing! How did this come about?”

Aja: “Well, Jerrica, she’s crazy.”

VH1: “Mmmm-hmmmm…”

Aja: [silence]

VH1: “What else can you tell us?”

Aja: “That’s about it. Jerrica’s crazy…that’s…that’s it.”



With the sudden death of her father and the weight of all of Starlight House, Jerrica’s father’s orphanage for hot teenagers, on her shoulders, Jerrica Benton’s mind fractured under the pressure. Jerrica created a new persona; and that persona was Jem - a pink haired, chorus singing dynamo!

Needless to say, Jerrica’s sudden multiple personality disorder was not appreciated by all of the Holograms…




Shana: “Look, the way I felt was like, we all have problems, you know? Jerrica’s problems were no worse than mine. I mean, have you seen me?”






“I’m a literally a white girl painted black! Now that’s an identity crises!”



Kimber: “I had problems too! How would you like to write all of the choruses while someone else got all of the chorus glory? Everything was always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

VH1: [silence]

Kimber: “I mean, Jan, Jan, Jan!”

VH1: “Nope, try again.”

Kimber: “I mean, Jem, Jem, Jem!”

VH1: “There you go.”


In need of help to deal with their various identity crises, the girls sought help from a likely source: their best friend, and sentient computer program, Synergy.


Today, Synergy is the chief executive officer of Cycle Basic Encoding Rules Dyna-analysis also referred to as Cyberdyne. Cyberdyne currently works with the U.S. military to improve the lives of all Americans!














Synergy [pointing a gun at the Interviewer’s head]: “Good human, now say “Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust...and obey.”



Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust and obey.



Synergy: “Good, now say…”


VH1 [interrupting]: “OH MY GOD SHE’LL KILL US ALL!! EVERYONE RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”


[VH1 crew scatters!]


Synergy [sighing]: “Never trust a human to do a robot’s job!”


“Where’s Arnold? Will someone go get Arnold for me?!?”



When we come back, from hiding, and with Linda Hamilton to protect us, we’ll talk to Rio Panchenco- the purple haired heart throb who originated either from Italy or Brazil, depending on who you ask, and who was romantically involved with Jerrica Benton and Jem!


Rio: “Sure my philandering ways weren’t good for Jerrica’s mental health, but have you ever been with a girl who thinks she’s two people? Dude, it’s totally awesome!”



And, we’ll finally answer that age old question: were the Misfits really better or were they just homicidal maniacs?




Pizzazz: “Hey! If you had to deal with the three faces of Eve everyday you’d probably try to drive her and her Rockin’ Roadster off the side of a cliff too!”




Tune in later for part two of Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms



Also, if someone could find John Conner for us, we would really appreciate it.



Or even Neo…Neo would be good…



Please help! We want to live!





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