Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Life is So Hard When You're an Attorney: Reason #2

Reason #2 that life is so hard for attorneys has a lot to do with what I like to call “foot in mouth” disease. It’s also closely related to “everyone hates attorneys” disease…


Mary: “I cannot wait for this divorce to be finalized!”

Sally: “When will it be finalized?”

Mary: “I don’t know! My lawyer won’t tell me.”

Reese: “What do you mean your lawyer won’t tell you?”

Mary: “I called to ask her what the progress was on our divorce after we conducted the settlement conference…”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

Mary: “…and she refuses to call me back!”

Sally [has no idea Reese is an attorney]: “Typical.”

Reese: “Typical?”

Mary: “And you know she had the nerve to report me to a collection agency for my bill!!”

Sally: “Figures.”

Reese: “Whoa, whoa, wait. Why did she report you to a collection agency?”

Mary: “Oh, because I haven’t paid her in several months.”

Reese: “Why?”

Mary: “Because I don’t feel I should pay her until the divorce is final.”

Reese: “But, didn’t you agree, when you hired her, to pay her at certain times or intervals?”

Mary: “Oh yes, we had a billing schedule, but I decided not to pay her.”

Sally: “And why should you pay her! She won’t even return your phone calls!”

Reese: “But, she won’t return her phone calls because Mary won’t pay her.”

Mary & Sally: “Yeah, so?”

Reese: “Ummm, okay, I’m confused.”

Sally: “Reese, you just don’t understand. You’re naïve. Don’t you know anything about lawyers?”

Reese: “Well, as I am a law…”

Sally [interrupting Reese]: “Lawyers are the scum of the earth!”

Reese [intrigued]: “Really?”

Mary: “Uhhh, Sally…”

Sally: “No, wait Mary, let me finish.”

“Reese, lawyers are liars. Think about it. How else can you go in front of a room full of people and defend someone you know is a criminal…”


Reese: “Well, you know not every person being defended is guilty…”

Sally: “I mean, how could someone defend a criminal?!?”

Reese: “…also, not every attorney specializes in criminal law…”

Sally: “We’re talking about people who want our streets filled with murderers!!”

Reese: “I thought we were talking about a divorce attorney?”

Sally [paying no attention to Reese]: “And, all lawyers care about is money…”

Mary [who knows Reese is an attorney and is trying desperately to get Sally’s foot out of her mouth]: “Uhhh, Sally, I really think you should…”

Reese: “Mary, please, let Sally continue.”

Sally: “Thank you, Reese.”

“Now, as I was saying, all lawyers care about is money! They would do anything for it! They lie, cheat, and steal for it!”

Reese: “Are we talking about the criminal attorney or the civil attorney?”

Sally: “What? I don’t know! It doesn’t matter, they’re all the same!!”

Reese: “Yes, yes, okay go on.”

Sally: “Anyway, that’s all lawyers want- money! And they’ll lie to get it. Now, I don’t know if that’s how their parents raised them, but I do know that the law schools teach them to be lying bastards!”

Reese: “Really? Like there’s a “lying course.” Like “Lying 101?”

Sally: “Pretty much.”

Reese: “Are you serious?”

Sally: “Yes, they actually take classes that test them on lying. I saw it on the news somewhere.”

Reese: “Was it Fox News?”

Sally: “Hmmm, it might have been…”

Reese: [about to go in for the kill]

Mary: “Reese, before you say anything, I just want to say that Sally’s opinions are not my own.”

Reese: “I understand, Mary.”

Sally: “What?”

Reese [in ultra sarcastic mode]: “Sally, you know, you really have taught me a lot about lawyers. Sometimes, I just feel like I’ve been so sheltered my whole life, I just don’t know about these things…”

Sally: “Yeah, I pegged you for being naïve about this kind of stuff…”

Reese: “But, there’s still something that bothers me about all this…”

Sally: “What is it?”

Reese: “Well, call me crazy, but gee golly, I remember in law school that “Lying 101” was specifically a secret course; and the outside world was supposed to never know about it for fear that they would attempt to thwart our plans of taking over the universe…”

Sally [face begins to redden]: “Uhhh…you went to law school?”

Reese: “How exactly did you figure all that stuff out about us? Us attorneys? Present company included?”

Sally [glowing red]: “Uhhh…you’re an attorney?”

Reese: “Yes, and I’m afraid that as an officer of the court, I’m going to have to kill you. I mean, now that you know all of our secrets…”

Mary: “Okay, Reese…”

Reese: “Maybe I’ll hire one of those murderers on the street that I let loose…”

Sally: “Uhhh…”

Reese: “Seeing as how I haven’t met my body count quota for the month, it may be a good idea…”

Mary [laughing slightly]: “Reese, leave the poor girl alone.”

Sally: “Uhhh…I didn’t know that you were…”

Reese: “A lying bastard?”

Sally: “Ohhh…uhhh…”

Reese: “A money grubbing murderer lover?”

Sally: “Ohh…uhhh…I didn’t mean you Reese, just some lawyers…”

Reese: “No, you said all lawyers.”

Sally: “Ohhh…uhhh…geesh…this is so embarrassing.”

Reese: “Yes, it is…for you.”

Sally: “I’m sorry.”

Reese: “Yes, well, we can’t all have common sense.”

Mary: “…”

Sally: “…”

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Well, this is old. I’ll see you two later.”

Mary: “Oh, are you going to Macy’s for that sale?”

Reese: “Yeah, but first I’m going to stop by the court house and see if there are any baby killers looking to get out of holding before three.”

Sally [feeling really bad]: “Ohhhhh…I’m soooo sorrrrry!!!”

Reese: “Psssh! Whatever.”



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Monday, June 26, 2006

Life is So Hard When You're an Attorney: Reason #1

This week, I'm running a special series on why life is so hard for us attorneys.


Yes, this week you will get an in-depth look on what it's like to be an attorney. And you will see it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure there's the glitz and the glamour (oh, there's so much glamour!). But, when you take away all the glitter, what's left?



As you'll see, not much.



So, to start off, today you will see how being an attorney can mess with your everyday life. Yes, even getting quality medical care is difficult for an attorney. Thus, I bring you Life is So Hard When You’re an Attorney: Reason #1- You Can't Have a Normal Conversation with a Doctor.




Dr. Podiatrist [treats Reese's broken foot]: “So, Reese, what do you do for a living?”

Reese: “Eh?”

Dr. Podiatrist: “For a living? What do you do?”

Reese: “Meh…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “You know that activity where you go to work and earn a paycheck? What is the activity that you do?”

Reese: “Uhhh…well…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Uh-huh?”

Reese: “I’m unemployed.”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Liar.”

Reese: “What?!? Are you saying that I’m a liar?”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Yes.”

Reese: “But, I am unemployed.”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Reese, I know you’re not unemployed because you can afford to see me on a weekly basis. So, what do you do?”

Reese: “I’m a drug dealer.”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Really? How’s the market for crack this year?”

Reese: “You know it’s alright.”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Really, what do you do?”

Reese: “Doctor when I can take this boot off?”

Dr. Podiatrist: “You can’t ignore my question with another question.”

Reese: “No time soon, huh?”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Reese, you know if I suspect illegal activity I have to report you to the police…”

Reese: “OKAY FINE!!! I’M AN ATTORNEY, OKAY?!?! A LAWYER!!! THERE!!! YOU HAPPY NOW!?!?!”

Dr. Podiatrist: [silent and stepping away from Reese]

Reese [sighing]: “Don’t worry; I’m not going to sue you.”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Heh-heh…heh…I wasn’t worried…”

Reese: “Yeah, sure…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Sooo…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Sooo…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “…”

Reese: [rolls eyes]

Dr. Podiatrist: “…”

Reese: “I HAVE NEVER SUED ANYONE, MUCH LESS A DOCTOR, IN MY LIFE!!!”

Dr. Podiatrist: “OH THANK GOD!!!”

Reese: “Good grief! Just once I would appreciate it if a doctor did not have a hissy fit when I told him or her that I am an attorney. Attorneys need health care too!!”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Well, that’s true. But, I guess I always assumed that attorneys are just the walking dead and don’t need any medical care.”

Reese: “…”

Dr. Podiatrist: [smiling]

Reese: “That’s a horrible joke, Dr. P.”

Dr. Podiatrist [laughing]: “Awww, c’mon! That was funny!”

Reese: “It was not funny!”

Dr. Podiatrist: “Hehehhee, “walking dead.” I have to write that one down.”

Reese [under her breath]: “Keep it up and I’ll sue your…”

Dr. Podiatrist: “WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?!”

Reese: “Nothing, nothing. Now, about my foot…”



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Something Different World News Today

And now, from the world headquarters of Something Different in Miami, Florida, your ace reporter, Karma…


Karma: [sighing]

Reese [whispering loudly from the set]: “C’MON KARMA! DO IT! DO IT!!”

Karma: “No! We could at least try to be a somewhat legitimate news organization. We could at least try to be objective!”

Reese: “DO IT, KARMA, OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!”

Karma: “What?!? I’m fired?!? Do you know what will happen to you if I get fired?”

Reese [whining like a Dallas Mavericks fan]: “KARRRRMMMMAAAAA!!”

Karma: “Oh, fine! Stop whining like a Dallas Mavericks fan. I’ll do it!!”

Reese: “YES!!”


Karma: “Ahem…”

“Good morning everyone. We interrupt the important activities of RAL to bring you full, totally objective, completely unbiased, and in no way “bandwagonish” coverage of the Miami Heat winning the 2006 NBA Championship!”

“We are all over this story. From Dallas to Biscayne Boulevard and in between. To begin things, let’s go to Poor Working Girl at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. Poor Working Girl?”


Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Good morning, Karma and our international audience. Before I begin I just want to say that I in no way had anything to do with this report. A report which, by the way, will quickly become a diatribe on just how much Dallas sucks it. So, for the purposes of salvaging my dignity, I’m just going to read from the script that our “ultra-producer,” Haruhi rip-off artist, Reese the Law Girl, wrote.”

Karma: “We completely understand, PWG.”

PWG: “Karma, I’m here at American Airlines Center where, last night, the Miami heat won game 6 and became the world champions of basketball!”

Karma: “Uhh, excuse me PWG, but didn’t the Heat play Dallas? Isn’t that a team only a few states away from Florida? How are the Heat now the world champions? That doesn’t make any sense!”

PWG: “Reading from the script, Karma. Reading from the script.”

Karma: “Oh, right.”

PWG: “Yes, the game was a thriller! The Heat played with strength, athleticism, and dominance while the Mavericks played like a bunch of punks, whining and crying their way through the series like a bunch of wussified Korean Olympians…”

Karma: “What?”

PWG: “…temper tantrium their way through the NBA finals…”

Karma: “Wussified? Temper Tantrium? Reese is just making up words now.”

PWG: “Never before in my young life have I witnessed a team disintegrate into the pit of suckiness that Dallas fell into over the last week and a half. From their on court tantrums about officiating to their off court tantrums about officiating, this Dallas team completely sucks it. Really, they should be ashamed and demand to be ousted from the NBA.”

Karma: “Uhhh, PWG, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this report supposed to be about the Heat winning? You sure are taking a lot of time talking about how much Dallas sucks it.”

PWG: “Reading. From. The. Script.”

Karma: “Right, right. Sorry.”

PWG: “Where was I…off court tantrums…Dallas team completely sucks it…ousted from the NBA…oh, okay, here we go…”

“To prove how much Dallas sucks, we have a scientist who analyzed everyone affiliated with the Dallas Mavericks on the Suck-O-Meter. Scientist, what did you find?”


Scientist [wearing a Miami Heat STAFF t-shirt]: “Well, after analyzing the Dallas Mavericks organization we found that the following people suck it:”

“Mark Cuban: he sucks.”

“Avery Johnson: he sucks.”

“Darrell Armstrong, Erick Dampier, Marquis Daniels: they suck.”

“DeSagana Diop, Adrean Griffin, and Devin Harris: they also suck.”


Karma: “Excuse me Scientist, but aren’t you just naming off the entire Dallas Mavericks’ roster?”


Scientist: “Josh Howard, Didier Iilunga-Mbenga, and Dirk Nowitzki: these guys especially suck.”

“Jerry Stackhouse: he sucks big time.”

“Josh Powell, Jason Terry, and Keith Van Horn: they suck a little less, but they still suck.”

“So, as you can see, on the Suck-O-Meter, the Dallas Mavericks really do suck.”


PWG: “Fascinating work, Scientist. Fascinating.”

Karma [rolls eyes]: “Uhh, yeah, fascinating. Before we move on, is there anything else you need to read from the script PWG?”

PWG: “Nothing, other than ‘Miami…rules…and…Dallas…Mavericks…can kiss my…’”

Karma [interrupts]: “Moving on! Now for the play-by-play, we go to our sports reporter, Ancient Chinese Master, for detailed coverage of what actually happened at the game. Ancient Chinese Master.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Karma, what a thrilling and exciting game this was. The students of Pat Riley worked their hardest to accomplish the ultimate goal. I can only hope that one day my student will do the same for me…”

PWG: “Ummm…I’m still on the feed, but ACM, did you just say something halfway nice about me?”

ACM: “Yes, I can only hope that one day I can ditch my pathetic student and score a skilled and masterful student who will accomplish the ultimate goal…”

PWG [sighing]: “I knew it was too good to be true.”

ACM: “Yes, one day I will toss my sad, sad, pathetic student for a good student who will do like the Miami Heat and capture the ultimate goal for her teacher…”

PWG: “Hello! I’m still here!! I’m still on the feed! I can hear you ACM!!!”

ACM [looking wistfully at the sky]: “…one day…”

Karma: “Will someone please cut PWG’s feed? This is just cruel…”

PWG: “God, I hate you ACM. I swear, I’m coming to Miami and I’m going to shove this microphone up your… [cut]…”

Karma: “Oh, wow. We cut her off just in time.”

“Now, ACM, why don’t you actually tell us about the game?”


ACM: “Oh, yes. Well, the Miami Heat really dominated the game last night. They never gave up, rallied together, played as a team, and…”

Karma: “Gave Dwayne Wade the ball?”

ACM: “Yes, they always gave Dwayne Wade the ball. When Shaq was getting double teamed, they made sure Dwayne Wade got the ball. When Shaq was out of the game, and Wade was double, and even triple teamed, the Heat still made sure they gave Dwayne Wade the ball. And, when the entire team went to Starbucks for Iced Mocha Lattes during the third quarter, they made sure they gave Wade the ball and told him they would be back in 15 minutes.”

Karma: “But still, it was really a team effort, wasn’t it? I mean, Haslem, Mourning, Walker, Peyton, Williams, all these guys had key minutes and key plays.”

ACM: “Yes, and their most important plays were the ones involving giving Dwayne Wade the ball.”

Karma: “And what of the Dallas Mavericks, ACM? They had a stellar season this year. Is there anything that they did right that they can build on for a run at the title next year?”

ACM: “No. Nothing.”

Karma: “You’re telling me that they did nothing right and that there are no positives out of this for the Mavericks?”

ACM: “Yes.”

Karma: “Well, then, I guess that’s that. Moving on…”

Reese [whispering loudly from the set]: “KARRRMMMAAA!!! YOU FORGOT TO ASK THE THING!!”

Karma: “Why are you doing this to me, Reese?”

Reese: “KAAARRRRMMMMAAAA!!!”

Karma: “Quit it! I can’t stand your whining imitation of Mark Cuban!”

“Gawd…”

“Okay, ACM, isn’t there someone else, totally and completely unrelated to the 2006 NBA finals, who also registers high on the Suck-O-Meter now that Shaquille O’Neal has won a fourth NBA championship?”


ACM: “What?”

Karma [sighing]: “Someone else, who really has nothing to do with this, but is on our “ultra-producer’s” list and therefore will always get mentioned in a negative light on this program. Someone who the viewers should be reminded of sucks big time?”

ACM: “Ummm…”

Reese [passes a piece of paper to ACM]: “PSSSST!! HERE, ACM!!”

ACM [reading from script]: “Oh…uhhh…”



“Kobe…Bryant…Sucks…The Most…Of All…Shaq Got His 4th Ring First…”



Karma [sighing heavily]: “Thanks, ACM, for that…whatever, “that” was…”


“Alright, let’s go to Biscayne Boulevard now where we have social reporter and syphilis carrier…”

DJ: “YO, THAT’S WHACK, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “…DJ reporting on the parade details. DJ?”

DJ: “ON THE REAL, I CAN’T STAND YO AZZ, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “The feeling is mutual, DJ.”

DJ: “PSST, YEAH YOU BETTAH WATCH YO SELF, KARMA! YOU BETTAH WATCH YO SELF!”

Karma [closing her eyes]: “I’m getting bored, DJ. Do the report.”

DJ [talking under his breath]: “Just wait ‘till I report Yo malicious azz to God. I’m going straight to the G-O-D…”

Karma [suddenly waking up]: “What?!? WHAT?!?!”

DJ: “Yo, Yo, Yo!!! I’m standing outside the triple A where plans are being made for the parade. Now as ya’ll already know, aftah game 2, the Dallas Mavericks, Dallas city officials, and Kevin Sherrington of the Dallas Morning News were all planning some big ole throw down parade even tho’ the series wasn’t even close to finishin’ yet. But, what them fools didn’t know waz that their party plans would light a flame up the Heat’s @$$!!!”

Karma: “I hear that’s what syphilis feels like.”

DJ: “OH, KEEP IT UP, KARMA!!! I’M JUST BUILDIN’ MY CASE!!!”

Karma: “What case? You don’t have a case!”

DJ: “Psst!! Oh, you gonna get it! Just wait!”

“Yo, so anyways, instead of the Mav’s getting a parade, Miami is getting a parade. And Something Different World News Today is going to be in the hizzouse for the partay, with exclusive pix and junk, so ya’ll watch for that!”

“But, in the meantime, I’m out! I gotta date with one of them fine @$$ Miami Heat ho’s! Ho’s be looking good in their little salsa outfits”

“COME HERE, HO! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!”

Karma: “IT’S CALLED SYPHILIS, HO!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”

DJ: “AWWW, IT’S ON KARMA!! I’M TAKING YOU OUT!!!”

Karma: “Whatever, man. Whatever.”


“Well, folks, that’s going to do it for our “exclusive coverage” of the Miami Heat: NBA Champions. Tune in at sometime later when and if our “ultra-producer” posts pictures from the Heat parade.”

“Goodbye, and remember, this is all just trash talking people. Don't take it personally."


“Good day everyone!”








© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Everyday I Become More of a Republican

HA!


When I first started to write this post, it was to say goodbye to Something Different. Recently, I have been feeling like I don’t have anything to say and that maybe I should end SD. But then, out of nowhere, a light bulb hit me in the head and I realized that I have something new to reflect on. So, for the time being, SD is here to stay.


Seriously, don’t worry about SD going away. Really, it’s got another week at least. Here’s what I’m really pissing on about lately…



Everyday that passes by I become more and more of a Republican. Ask “Lisa.” If she was allowed to get on the internet at work she would tell you that I am becoming a Republican. It’s true! My latest republican stance- the environment.


Well, not the whole environment. Just the part involving reptiles.


Now, I am quite aware that Florida’s state animal is an alligator or crocodile or whatever. But, really, Florida needs to be more like Maryland. As in free of alligators and crocodiles and lizards of all kinds. Especially the little ones that like to hang out at my apartment building.


Ask me when I knew that I cared little for the environment and I’ll tell you it was the day that a lizard, the whopping size of a paper clip, crawled underneath my door and into my apartment.


Oh the humanity!!


It’s just not right! Lizards have no place in human habitats! And don’t tell me that we, as humans, are encroaching on their habitat. I’m a human! I need a habitat! If I encroach on a lesser being’s habitat then that being can suck it! I’m big and I live here, so go away!



Now, the raging “liberal” “tree hugging” “hybrid loving” “environmentalist” will tell you that everything in South Florida west of the State Route 441 used to be Everglades. And that the crazy, money grubbing, capitalist humans turned the precious lizards’ home into a Best Buy. And that there’s no place for the lizards to go, so they have to live near us or amongst us. And, if need be, eat us. And, we should all accept it because it’s our fault that this is the current situation.


Now, I don’t know about all that high falutin’ science. Maybe the “liberals” are right. And maybe they’re completely right. But, the point is, there should be no lizards in my apartment!!



Reese: “Lisa, what am I going to do? The lizard has been in here for two days and I haven’t been able to sleep at all! I can’t find it and it’s in here!”

Lisa: “Reese, why are you tripping? It’s not like it’s a rat or something. It’s just a little lizard…”

Reese: “A LITTLE LIZARD?!?! A LITTLE LIZARD?!?!”

Lisa: “Reese…”

Reese: “LIZARDS DO NOT BELONG IN MY APARTMENT!! I’M GOING TO CATCH THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR. AND ALL HIS FAMILY TOO!! I’M A ONE WOMAN EXTINCTION MACHINE!!!”

Lisa: “Sure you are…”



And a one woman extinction machine is what I became. I went on a mission to rid my apartment and the building it’s a part of, of any and all lizards. First, I had to figure out a game plan. So, I asked decade’s long South Florida residents how to get rid of lizards…



First Interview


Reese: “How do you get rid of lizards?”

South Florida Resident #1: “But, why ever would you want to get rid of lizards? Lizards are our friends…”

Reese: “Ooookaaayyy….”



Second Interview


Reese: “How do you get rid of lizards?”

South Florida Resident #2: “You don’t get rid of lizards, man! They are a part of our environment. You let them in your apartment and they eat the spiders. Circle of life mannnnnn!!! Circle. Of. Life.”



Third Interview


Reese: “For the love of God, will someone please tell me how to get rid of lizards?!?!”

South Florida Resident #3: “RAID.”

Reese: “That’ll work.”



So, after purchasing several cans of RAID, I was ready and armed to take that nasty little sucker out. Now, for a minute, I contemplated how my actions would hurt the environment. I reflected back on everything I was taught by my “godless” educators who practiced the religion of “liberalism” which is, evidently, a religion without a god. Anyhoo, I reflected on that.

The best I could figure, by me killing the intruding lizard, I would somehow disrupt the delicate balance that is the “circle of life.” Ying and Yang would somehow become Ping and Pong and the apocalypse would come upon the Earth. But then I thought that I’m totally cool with Armageddon coming as that would totally do everyone a favor by ending this madness that we call “life.” Thus, I armed myself with RAID and went hunting.




Reese [on the phone with “Lisa”]: “Oh, I’m gonna catch it! And when I do, BAM! To the toilet with ya’ you little lizard!”

Lisa: “Oh, geez…”

Reese: “When I find the little…”

“Oh. My. God.”


Lisa: “What? What?!?”

Reese [whispering]: “I see it. I see the lizard. Ohhhhhh, so gross!!!!”

Lisa: “Just spray it with the RAID!!”

Reese: “I can’t! The RAID is in the bathroom and the lizard is directly in front of the bathroom door. If I go over there, he’ll get scared and run away and then I’ll never find him!

Lisa: “Why is the RAID in the bathroom?!? I thought you were on a mission!?! The RAID should be in your hands at all times!!!”

Reese: “DON’T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!!”

Lisa: [sigh]

Reese: “Okay, okay, okay. It’s just a little lizard. Stay right where I can see you little lizard. Stay right there…

Lisa: “What are you doing?”

Reese: “I can’t get to the RAID, so I’m going to spray it with this sneaker cleaner.

Lisa: “Sneaker cleaner?”

Reese: “Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting lizards.

Lisa: “For crying out loud…”

Reese: “I GOT HIM!!! I GOT HIM!!! OH, OH, HE’S RUNNING INTO THE BATHROOM!! NOW I CAN GET THE RAID!!!”

Lisa: “Uh-huh…”

Reese [grabs the RAID and sprays the lizard]: “YES!! DIE!!! DIE YOU ROTTEN SCUM!! DIE!!! DIE!!!”

Lisa: “Uh, Reese…”

Reese [continues spraying the lizard with RAID]: “DIE!!!! DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!”

Lisa: “Reese!”

Reese [emptying the bottle of RAID]: “DIE… *cough* … DIE, YOU… *cough* …YOU… *cough* …”

Lisa: “REESE! YOU’RE GOING TO POISON YOURSELF!!! STOP SPRAYING THE RAID!!! I’M SURE THE LIZARD IS DEAD!!!”

Reese [dizzy]: “Eh…maybe you’re right…so…yeah…it’s dead…it’s…I’m feeling a little woozy here…”

Lisa: “You idiot!”

Reese: “I…I gotta…I gotta get rid of the body…”

Lisa: “Yeah, you do that. I’ve got trial calendar in the morning, so peace out!”

Reese: “Peace…man…dude…you know what?”

Lisa: “What Reese?”

Reese: “Lizards are like…like…so gross…”

Lisa: “GOODBYE!!”



And that’s the story of how I got high off of RAID.



No wait, that’s not it…



No, that’s the story of how I killed the lizard. But, my quest is far from over! While I caught the lizard in my apartment, there are still many other lizards living in South Florida. And I will not just stand here and let them live, you know, alive and such. Thus, I now support any and all legislators who wish to destroy the environment that contains reptiles.

Reptiles have no place on Earth. In fact, it was a reptile that was responsible for ruining everything for us humans anyways (see Genesis)!


Circle of life my @$$! From this point on, I am changing my political affiliation from non-existent to Republicans Against Lizards (RAL)!!


All lizards!!! Fear the mighty RAL! We are armed with RAID!!! We will take you out!!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Too Funny for Words

I stole this from Dlisted. It's hi-larious!

Basically, it's the Mrs. World 2006 pagent. The winner of the title is Mrs. Russia. However, some woman, who may not be retarded, but just really confused, places the sash and the crown on the 1st runner-up Mrs. Costa Rica.


Hilarity ensues. You must check this out.



Oh, in other news, my foot is still broken and I am still without a PC Card. I'll update you when things change. Or, I won't update you, but you'll see a real post on here and know that everything is getting better. We'll see. ;)


Peace!







Update: Go here to see what really happened behind the scenes of the Mrs. World pagent. Evidently, the other contestants really did have right to complain that Mrs. Russia won!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Bear with Me...

I broke my foot...again!


Also, my pc card decided that broadband internet connections just isn't her thing, so now I have to wait for a replacement to be sent so I can get back on the net and posts loads of stories that I'm too lazy to write.


Wow...



That was a really long run-on sentence.


In any case, here's a blogthings to amuse yourself with. I'm curious as to see what everyone else got. Holla at a sistah and let her know (and, yes, I did just say the words "holla" and "sistah" in the same sentence- I really needed to release my inner-DJ).



Peace! ;P~~~




You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think
small things, making decisions difficult.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Five-O

I went home to Southern Maryland this weekend.



I had some interesting conversations with and/or about my little cousins.



This is the conversation I had with my 9 ½ year old cousin, Dante…



CC: “…and that’s why Marla shouldn’t be driving. She doesn’t even have a learner’s permit yet!”

Brian: “Yeah, well, we all know Aunt Lara lets those girls do anything.”

Dante: “I can drive!”

Reese [ignoring Dante]: “Yeah, those girls are a bit wild…”

Dante: “I can drive!!”

CC: “Dante, be quiet! This is a grown cousins’ discussion!”

Dante: “But, I can drive!!”

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Sure you can, Dante…”

Dante: “But, I can drive! Stevie let’s me drive the commuter bus.”

Brian: “Stop lying, Dante.”

Dante: “But, I’m not lying. He did let me drive the commuter bus!”

Brian: “What?”

Reese: “Wait, who is Stevie?”

Brian: “Dante’s mom’s boyfriend. He drives the town commuter bus.”

CC [to Dante]: “And, he let you drive the little commuter bus?”

Dante: “Yeah! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I can drive! I drove the bus.”

Reese: “Oh, you mean like you pretended to drive the bus?”

CC: “Or Stevie let you turn the steering wheel, but he really was driving the bus?”

Dante: “No, I drove the bus!!”

Reese: “Wait, wait, wait…you mean you drove the bus? Like, you had your feet on the pedals and you operated the steering wheel?”

Dante: “Yes! I drove the bus!! Stevie was in front of me driving my mom’s car.”

Brian: “Jesus…”

CC: “Holy Crap!”

Dante: “It was sooo cool!!!”

Reese: “I can’t believe…that is absolutely ridiculous!”

Dante: “See? I can drive too. Don’t nobody need a license to drive.”

Reese: “Yes, they do! They do need a license! And no 9 year old…”

Dante: “Nine and a half…”

Reese: “Look, I don’t care if you’re nine and three quarters! No 9 year old should be driving ANY motorized vehicle!”

Dante: “Man, ya’ll don’t know. You’re just old!”

Reese: “Lookie here, Dante! The next time I find out you’re driving, I’m going to call the police. And they are going to make sure that you don’t drive until you’re 35!”

Dante: “SO!?!?! DON’T NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE FIVE-O!!”

Reese: “What?”

CC: “HA!”

Brian: “That’s just sad…”

Dante: “Yeah, I said it. Don’t nobody care about the five-o!!”

Reese: “Look little country boy, I know you are not perpetrating like you’re some little street thug…”

Dante: “I’m hardcore!”

Reese: “You are not hardcore! You’re a little country boy who drives short buses!”

CC: “And you better never drive again, you hear!!!”

Dante: “Man, whatever…”

Brian: “Wow… “don’t nobody care about the five-o.” That’s…amazing…”

Reese: “Absolutely ridiculous!”

CC: “This is going in the blog, isn’t it Reese?”

Reese: “I mean, it just wrote itself…”



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