Friday, June 10, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 91 to Day 120



The Fight That Really Wasn’t



[Late Spring, 2005. Something Different, Inc. (aka, Reese’s House)]


CC: “Well, fool, you’ve drained your time machine’s power. H.G. Wells can’t stand your ass and Karma told you to get a life. I think it’s time that you narrate the latest Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship edition.”

Reese: “But, I’m soooo lazy. I don’t FEEL like it. Can’t somebody else take over my narration duties? What about you?”

CC: “Hey, stupid! I’m studying for the bad ass CPA exam. I don’t have no time for this foolishness.”

Reese: “What about Poor Working Girl?”

CC: “She’s busy.”

Reese: “Doing what?”

CC: “WORKING!”

Reese: “Oh, yeah. What about Ancient Chinese Master?”

CC: “He said if you bother him one more time he’s going to telekinetically turn you inside out.”

Reese: “Ewww. Well, there’s gotta be someone. What about Dez, or J, or KOM?”

CC: “Oh, my god!!”

Reese: “What?”

CC: “Hello?!?! Dez, J, and KOM are not caricatures of real people stuck in your imagination!! They really do exist and they’re not going to take over your responsibilities just because you will them to do so!”

Reese: “Really? You mean I don’t have that power?”

CC: “No, you don’t.”

Reese: “Because, I could have sworn…”

CC: “FO’ REAL, WILL YOU JUST TELL THIS STORY?!? DANNNG!!”

Reese: “ ‘Fo’ Real,’ huh? CC, you’re a genius!!”

CC: “What is your ignorant butt talking about now?!?”

Reese: “I know the perfect person to guest narrate for me!!!”

CC: “Who?!?!”


[Guest Narrator]

WAZ, UP BITCHES!??! YO, I’M DJ, YO’ GUEST NARRATOR! AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE FRESHEST, MOST ILLIST EDITION OF WELCOME TO A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP!!! FO’ SHIZZLE!!!!!

When my be-otch Reese said she was lazy like a mother [insert bad word] bitch, I told her fo’ sho’ I would tell this story for ya’ll. Because, you know, ya’lls like my [insert racial epithet]’s.


Reese: “DJ! You’re supposed to follow the format I laid out for you!”

DJ: “Word, word! A [insert racial epithet] forgot. YO, REWIND THAT [insert bad word]!!”


[Cue Record Playing Backwards: wejkdofuigodsiosdfjklewiocm]


Thanx, Kid Cool for the special F/X. Why don’t you hit us up with some fightin’ music, dog?


Kid Cool: “Ain’t nothin’ brotha.”


[Cue T.I.’s “Bring ‘Em Out”]


Aight! When we last visited wit our [insert racial epithet]’s Mike and Lisa, we saw how they was livin’ in the past. Lisa was a playah; Mike was oblivious, and Karma had big plans for him.


Yo, ya’ll on the DL, you can’t be messin’ with Karma. Last night, I was at Fantasy chillin’ with Karma, when Beyonce’s fine azz came walking through VIP. I ditched Karma and went to go spit some game at Beyonce. Then, all of a sudden, that SCEEZAH-BITCH, Karma went and zapped me with some syphilis!!


BITCH!!!


Anyways, back to our story. Now that these 2 fools have been hittin’ it for a while, they decided to do a road trip up to Chi-town. Before the trip even started, certain people started bitchin’ out…


Lisa: “So, you’ll pick me up tomorrow morning at 8, right?”

Mike: “Yeah, that’s what I said earlier. I’d be there at 8:00am.”

Lisa: “Alright.”

Mike: “Sorry, for being so sensitive. It’s just that, that’s why I called- to let you know I would be there at 8:00 am. You know, I just don’t like repeating myself.”

Lisa: “Huh?”

Mike: “Hello?!? Are you listening to me??”

Lisa: “What? Yeah, of course.”

Mike: “What did I just say?”

Lisa: “Some junk.”

Mike: “You know what, Lisa? You’re starting to make me a little angry.”

Lisa: [silence]

Mike: “LISA!?!”

Lisa: “What? Uhh…yeah…I understand.”

Mike: “Really? For some reason, I don’t think you do.”

Lisa: “Uh-huh. You know, Mike, something just occurred to me.”

Mike: “What?”

Lisa: “Well, sometimes the things you say, the way you say it. You annoy me sometimes.”

Mike [getting ticked off]: “I annoy you?!?”

Lisa: “Yea, and now I know why you annoy me.”

Mike [ticking off meter increasing]: “Why?!?”

Lisa: “Because, you remind me of my dad.”

Mike [ticking off meter in the red zone]: “I remind you of your dad?!? Your dad who you hardly ever speak too and have lot’s of hostility for?!? I remind you of him?!?!”

Lisa: “Yea, isn’t that interesting?”

Mike: [silence]

Lisa: “So, what time are you picking me up tomorrow morning?”



YO, YO, YO, YO!!! So, as you can see, Mike is all pissed at Lisa fo’ comparing a [insert racial epithet] to her daddy. And, also because she ain’t listenin’. Lisa just ain’t payin’ attention to Mike’s “sensitivity” and is getting ready for Chicago.


I just want to point out that Lisa is the kinda ho I like! One that don’t be gettin’ all in my grill! I might have talk to Lisa in a minute. Just as soon as I get rid of this syphilis. This [insert bad word] itches, man!!


Anyways, so our wacked out peeps make it safe to the Winday-Citay. While, in Chicago, Lisa and Mike chill in various places. Lisa is havin’ a good time, you know? But, Mike, he’s just a little quiet. Like he’s broodin’ or something.

What?

Ya’ll didn’t know I knew how to use “broodin’” in a sentence? Man, ya’ll some ignorant [insert racial epithet]’s!


Latah, Mike and Lisa have breakfast with Mike’s sister, Brenda.


Brenda: “I really like you, Lisa. But, it kind of surprises me that Mike would be dating you.”

Lisa: “Why is that?”

Brenda: “Well, you seem dead set against getting married. And, Mike wants to get married.”

Lisa: “What?!?! Mike doesn’t want to get married. Obvious by the fact that he wouldn’t marry Amy.”

Brenda: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “What?”

Brenda: “Duh! He didn’t want to marry Amy. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get married.”

Lisa: “No, way, you’re wrong.”

Brenda: “No, you’re wrong.”

Lisa: “Umm, okay, Mike is right here. Mike, what do you have to say?”

Inside Mike’s Head: “If I remain silent, clearly Lisa will know that I want to get married.”

Inside Lisa’s Head: “If Mike doesn’t say anything, clearly he doesn’t want to embarrass his sister by pointing out her flawed logic.”

Mike: [silence]

Lisa & Brenda: “SEE?!? I was right!!”


Yea, so, despite this blip, Mike and Lisa continue to have an aight time in Chicago. Event tho’ Lisa notices that Mike is kinda silent the whole weekend. As it turns out, Lisa was in a beef she didn’t even know about…


Lisa: “Well, I can’t wait to get back home. My Tivo is probably overloaded.”

Mike: “Umm, listen, Lisa, you should know that I’m thinking about breaking up with you.”

Lisa: “What?”

Mike: “Look, I don’t like how you’re always attacking me!”

Lisa: “Attacking you?”

Mike: “Yea, stabbing me in the back. I can’t stand that!”

Lisa: “Have you lost your mind!?!”

Mike: “Oh, don’t try to act like you don’t know what’s going on now. You know we’ve been fighting since before we left for Chicago.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?! What are we fighting about?!?”

Mike: “Several things!”

Lisa: “Like???”

Mike: “Well, for one how you emotionally assaulted me on the phone. And, then how you totally were speaking for me at breakfast with my sister. And, also how…”


YO, YO, YO!!! At this point in time, Reese has instructed me to let you know what Lisa is hearing while Mike is airin’ out his beefs…


What Lisa Hears: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”


Mike: “LISA! Are you even listening to me?!?!”

Lisa: “Uhhh, yea. Look, Mike this relationship isn’t going to last long if we keep having fights I’m not even aware of. If you want to break up, that would kind of suck, but it would be cool.”

Mike: “Well, I didn’t say I wanted to break up. I said I was thinking about it.”

Lisa: “Right.”

Mike: “I mean, now that you understand, then we don’t have to break up.”

Lisa: “Whatever.”

Mike: “You do understand, right?”

Lisa: [silence]

Mike: “LISA!!”

Lisa: “What?!? Oh, yeah, I…uhhh…empathize with your feelings.”

Mike: “Good.”

Lisa: “Whatever.”



WHAT THE [insert bad word]?!?! YO, Man, I’m a pimp, but even I can check what’s up with these two bitches…


Mike and Lisa suffer from a constant problem that most couples face. That of a lack of communication. They must not only air out their grievances, but, they must also listen to each other. Without a better communication dynamic, their relationship is doomed to fail…



A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THESE [insert racial epithet]’s GONNA BREAK the [insert bad word] UP!!!!!!!


Aight, aight, Reese says tune in for the next installment of
Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 121 to Day 151. A “Love”-ly Christmas Present.




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

22 Comments:

Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Ummm, so I apologize in advance for this weak edition of WTADR. It's just a slow period in Mike and Lisa's relationship. Blame them, not me!! ;)

3:56 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I dont know Reese. I dont know if I like where this story is going. Lisa is single huh?

4:28 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

What are you talking about, Dez? They had an argument (and not really), it doesn't mean they broke up. ;)

4:57 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Good lord, how many times can I keep saying "that was the funniest thing I've read in a month" before it goes to your head?

But I lament the fact that I'm just barely cognizant of the time-machine, etc. Guess I need to snoop the archives to catch up.

Somehow, this is turning into "Alley Oop", but with much better naration.

1:10 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Kom is right reese... pretty fucking funny, and I haven't had the benefit of following the story from the beginning~

7:24 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, KOM and Lisa. I'm glad you liked it. The more I read it, the more it starts to grow on me. :)

Okay, but you have to read all of them so you understand what's going on with "Lisa" and Mike. Especially the time machine ones. Those are really the best. ;)

11:49 AM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Humm. This was very interesting. I would like to point out that of all the WTADR ones this is the most accurate. Which doesn't speak well for us huh.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

That is interesting, "Lisa." Very, very, interesting. ;)

That's all I could think to say. ;)

9:58 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

ZZZAAPP! Syphilis bitch! (Sort of like "Rick James BITCH"!) That's why Karma is not a chick to mess with.

you totally made my day with that. i needed a laugh.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL! Now, I'm going to be saying "Syphilis Bitch!" everywhere I go. ;)

Thanx, Lez. :)

9:56 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

How much does DJ charge per post?
I need him to hit my Blog up with some flava yo!

12:02 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hehehehe, sorry J. DJ is the sole and exclusive property of Something Different. I own that bitch! ;)

12:41 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Can you make a guest appearance on mine?

4:45 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Dez: Me? What do you want me to do?

6:46 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL i agree with Kom i don't know how many times i am going to say that was the funniest thing i have ever read. LOl

2:33 PM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

I dunno, Reese. I didn't hear much of that because of all the bleeps. Is the uncensored version available? :)

7:02 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

JG: I couldn't possibly write an uncensored version of anything DJ says.

I'm just not foul enough. ;)

11:24 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Funny ISH!! But again - i feel like i was left hanging - this is like when i'm in a good part in my book and then i realize it's my stop (on the subway).

ps - i can't beleive you didn't comment on Alicia Keys - did you see what a stick she is now?? She lost her flava. AND i can't believe the 180 with Mariah - I've heard too much about her being a beotch to respect her. Music is good - clothing and personality not. (sorry des)

2:06 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

BLEH to Jessica :P

3:40 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

OK, not only am I cought in a time loop, I'm apparently a psycho blog stalker.

Nice.

I LOVE these little trips down memory lane.

5:11 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Wait till you read the END! That's all I will say

6:12 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

You know every DJ apperance cracks me the hell up... I laughed my butt off the first time, and still laughing...

11:01 AM  

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