Wednesday, May 31, 2006

You Don't Always Get What You Wish For

So, you know I sometimes have these weird dreams. I had this dream once where “Lisa” and I got sucked into an alternate universe…



A comic book universe…



The DC comic book universe.



Which is weird because I am actually a total Marvel girl. Yet, for some reason the alternate universe that I got sucked into was the DC Comic-verse.

Specifically, “Lisa” and I landed inside the Justice League’s headquarters. I’m pretty sure that my dream took place in DC Comic land because of my love and obsession with Wonder Woman. In any case, if I remember correctly, the dream went something like this (keep in mind, the dream sequence is incomplete because, duh, it’s a dream)…




Reese [sitting next to “Lisa” on a bench inside Justice League Headquarters]:

“Whoa.”


Lisa: “What in the hell?”

Reese: “Where are we?”

Lisa: “And how did we get here?”



As “Lisa” and I try to figure out what is going on, Wonder Woman enters the room…



Lisa: “What did you do, Reese?!?”

Reese: “Me?!? I didn’t do anything!!!”

Lisa: “I know this is your fault. If I don’t get back home, I swear I’m going to…”

Wonder Woman: “Who are you people?”

Reese & Lisa: [silent and awestruck]

Wonder Woman: “I said, “who are you people?” How did you get in here?”

Reese: “Oh. My. God.”

Lisa: “You…you’re…you’re…”

Wonder Woman [getting agitated]: “Who let you into JL Headquarters?”

Reese [freaking out]: “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!”

Lisa [equally freaked out]: “YOU’RE WONDER WOMAN!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!”

Reese: “OH MY GOD, WE TOTALLY LOVE YOU!!!!!”

Wonder Woman: “That’s nice, but…”

Lisa: “YOU’RE SO AWESOME!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M TALKING TO WONDER WOMAN!!!”

Wonder Woman: “Are you fans or something?”

Reese: “Fans?!?! Fans?!?!?! Like, you’re biggest fans, hello?!?!”



Immediately, “Lisa” and I run up to Wonder Woman and grab her arm and poke her in the shoulder to see if she’s real…



Reese [poking Wonder Woman in the shoulder]: “OH MY GOD!!! SHE IS TOTALLY REAL!!!”

Lisa [shaking Wonder Woman’s arm]: “OH MY GOD!!! YOU REALLY DO EXIST!!! YOU’RE REAL!!!”

Wonder Woman: “Uh-huh…okay…could you just…”

Reese & Lisa: [continue poking and shaking Wonder Woman]

Wonder Woman [slapping our hands away]: “Could you just…stop…stop…GET OFF OF ME!!!”

Reese & Lisa: [wisely stop bothering Wonder Woman]

Wonder Woman [speaking into an ear piece]: “Calling all JL members: Please come immediately to the control room. We have a situation.”




Now, for some reason, this scene just ends and the next thing in the dream is that “Lisa” and I are again sitting on the same bench, but now Batman and Superman have come into the room. The two super boys and Wonder Woman are standing in front of “Lisa” and me discussing how the two of us got into their headquarters. Also, for some reason, the superheroes are much bigger than “Lisa” and I, and are looking down at us; hence, “Lisa” and I are looking up to them…



Superman: “So you say you walked into the room and they were just sitting there?”

Wonder Woman: “Yeah.”

Batman [looking at us suspiciously]: “And then they freaked out when they realized that you were Wonder Woman?”

Wonder Woman: “Yeah.”

Superman: “Well, I’m sure they are just harmless fans who somehow found a security breach to get into HQ and meet Wonder Woman. We’ll just find out how they did it, fix the breach, and send them home. Problem solved.”

Batman [still looking at us suspiciously]: “I don’t think you’ve got that right Superman. It’s clear that these young women are from a parallel dimension and somehow got sucked into our universe.”

Wonder Woman [perplexed]: “Uh…and how exactly were you able to come to that conclusion?”

Batman: “Well, you said they kept saying that they couldn’t believe that you were real. Obviously, in their world you are not real, but some sort of character…”

Wonder Woman & Superman: “Hmmmm….”

Batman [speaking matter of factly]: “Also, just look at them. They are dorks. No one in our world is that dorky.”

Wonder Woman & Superman: “True…this is true…”



Now, while the superheroes continue to discuss what’s going on, “Lisa” and I come to a conclusion of our own…



Reese [whispering to Lisa]: “This is the coolest thing ever! We have to find a way to stay here!”

Lisa [whispering to Reese]: “I agree! But, how?”

Reese: “Well, we read the comic books. We know stuff. We can help them fight crime and junk based on what we know about their stories.”

Lisa: “Yeah! We’ll tell them what we know and then they’ll beg us to stay.”

Reese: “Yeah!”




Somehow, “Lisa” and I thought this was a brilliant plan…




Reese [interrupting the Superheroes]: “Ahem…excuse me, excuse me. Now that Batman has figured out how and where we came from, we would like to offer the suggestion that the two of us stay here and become Justice League members.”


Wonder Woman, Superman, & Batman: [silence]


Lisa: “Uhhh, you see, we feel we could be invaluable members of your team because of our immense knowledge. Really, you’d be crazy not to make us Justice League members.”

Reese: “Yeah, so what do you say?”


Wonder Woman, Superman, & Batman:

“AH- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”


Wonder Woman: “You two? Justice League members? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Superman: “HA! And what can you do? Appear and reappear with no knowledge of how, why, or where you are? “Immense knowledge” indeed!”

Wonder Woman and Superman:

“AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”



Lisa: “Gee, it wasn’t that funny of an idea…”

Batman [eyeing the girls suspiciously]: “Exactly what kind of “immense knowledge” do you girls think you have?”

Reese [not liking the way Batman is looking at her and “Lisa”]: “Uhhh, well…we know stuff because on our world you guys are in comic books and we read comic books, so we know your stories…”

Batman [looking kind of evil]: “Really?”

Reese: “Yeah, so we know what the bad guys are doing and how you can stop them.”

Superman [stops laughing]: “Haha…hmmm…actually, that could come in handy…”

Batman [looking increasingly evil]: “What else do you know based on your comic books?”

Reese [being purposefully vague as Batman is beginning to creep her out]:

“Well, you know some other stuff…”


Batman: “What other stuff?”

Lisa [completely clueless that now may not be the right time to be honest]:

“Oh, we know EVERYTHING!!!”


Batman: “Everything?”

Lisa: “Yeah, we know who’s going to die, who’s going to become a traitor, who’s going to turn good…we even know what your secret ident…”

Reese [immediately covers up Lisa’s mouth]:

“Uhhh…haha…uhh…what she means to say is we know what the bad guys think is your secret identities. But…uhhh…the bad guys are always wrong about that…you know…”


Superman: “Hmmm…this is intriguing. Give us a moment to discuss this…”




As Superman and Wonder Woman discuss me and “Lisa” joining the Justice League, Batman ignores their conversation and continues to give me and “Lisa” the evil eye…



Lisa: “Hey, man! What’s the big idea?!? Why did you stop me from telling them that we know their secret identities?”

Reese: “Ummm, hello?!?! Are you crazy!?!?! Didn’t you see the way Batman was looking at us!?!? If he found out we knew he was really Bruce Wayne, I’m quite certain that he would kill us.”



“Lisa” looks over at Batman and Batman makes the “cutting your throat” gesture.



Reese: “See!!!”

Lisa: “Oh, man, you’re right! In fact, I think Batman is going to kill us!”

Reese: “We gotta find a way out of here!!”

Lisa: “And fast!!”

Superman [walks over to us]: “Good news ladies! We’ve decided that you can join the Justice League.”

Reese: “Uhhh, yeah, about that…”

Wonder Woman: “Welcome to the league new superheroes!!”

Lisa: “Uhhh…actually…we would like to go home…”

Superman: “Ohhh, don’t be silly. You’re going to stay with us FOREVER!!”

“Batman, will you get these two settled into their new quarters?”


Batman: “Certainly, Superman.”

[Reese & Lisa look at each other uneasily]

Wonder Woman: “Make sure to take good care of our new members, Bats.”

Batman [putting two heavy hands on each of our shoulders]: “Oh, I will take care of these two, Wonder Woman. I’ll take really, really good care of these two.”




As Superman and Wonder Woman leave the room, “Lisa” and I can only think to do one thing…




Reese & Lisa: “OH MY GOD!!! HELP!!!! DON’T LEAVE US!!! HE’S GOING TO KILL US BECAUSE WE KNOW TOO MUCH!!! HELLLLLPPPPP!!!!”


Superman: “Batman kill two totally defenseless and weak persons just because he thinks they may be a threat?”

“Well, it’s possible, but I’m going to bet that you two will be okay. Let’s go Wonder Woman.”


Wonder Woman: “See you girls at dinner!”

Reese & Lisa: “NO WAIT!!! WAIT!!!”

Batman: “C’mon on girls, let’s go. All of your screaming is just delaying the inevitable…”

Reese & Lisa: “OOOOHHHH MAN!!!!”




And then, that was it. The dream ended and I woke up.

I swear it’s one of the weirdest dreams I have ever had. This is probably why I still remember it. Also, I always remember the dreams where I have an untimely demise. But, to this day I can’t think of why I had this particular dream. The best I can come up with is that my subconscious took one of my biggest wishes from childhood and coupled it with my biggest fear (dying) and put the two together in one mega nightmare.



I still can’t believe that I went out like that though. Batman is such a bastard!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Celebrity Sighting #3: DMX

Tara: “Ohhh! Are we going to see any celebrities on South Beach this weekend?”

Reese [jaded by the entire South Beach experience as South Beach is the most pretentious place on Earth]:

“Why are you sweating seeing celebrities? It’s not like there aren’t any celebrities in DC. Beyonce, Amerie, P. Diddy, and Camron all make the rounds at Fantasy. So, what’s the deal? Miami isn’t such a biggie.”


Tara: “Oh my god, but this is Miami!”

Reese: “And?”

Tara: “IT’S MIAMI!!!”

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Okay…”

Tara: “I just wish we could see some celebrities. I mean we’ve been here all weekend and not even one celebrity…”

Reese: “Uhhh, Tara…”

Tara: “It’s so disappointing to come all the way down here from Maryland…”

Reese: “Uhhh, Tara…”

Tara: “…and not see one single celebrity!”

Reese [interrupts]: “Tara, DMX is sitting on his donor-cycle right in front of us.”

Tara: “WHAT?!?! WHERE?!?! WHERE?!?!”

Reese: “Calm down and look 2 feet in front of you.”

Tara: “OH MY GOD!!!! DMX!!! DMX!!! OH MY GOD, WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!?! OH MY GOD!!!!!”

DMX: [silent and looking at Tara like she’s a fool]

Reese [to DMX]: “Hey.”

DMX: “Hey.”

Tara [furiously searching in her purse]: “OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!! I GOTTA TAKE A PICTURE!!!! WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!?!”

DMX [to his entourage a.k.a the Ruff Ryders]: “Yo, yo, you, why ya’ll stopping?!? Let’s go!”

Tara: “OH MY GOD!!! WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!?! WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!?!”

Reese: [looking at Tara with slight amusement]

Tara: “I GOT IT!!! I FINALLY GOT THE PICTURE!!!”

DMX: [rides off into the precious sunset]

Tara: “OH MY GOD!!! WE JUST SAW DMX!!! WE JUST SAW DMX!!!”

Reese: “Yeah.”

Tara: “OH MY GOD!!! HOW CAN YOU BE SO COOL ABOUT THIS?!?!”

Reese: “Well, it is my third celebrity sighting since I’ve been here.”

Tara: “Wow…you’ve seen three celebrities since you moved to Miami?”

Reese: “Well...technically 2 celebrities, but I saw the other one via a friend. So, that makes three.”

Tara: “Wow. You’re like some sort of socialite, insider or something.”

Reese: “Not quite. I’m just really cool.”

Tara: “Oh my god, you totally are!”

Reese: “Yeah. I know.”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The List

I apologize in advance for this post.


It’s not my usual kind of thing.


But, the following people and/or entities have been really pissing me off lately.


And, seeing as how this is my blog, I am now venting my frustration here as my friends do not want to hear me piss on about people anymore.




Black People


Black people have really been pissing me off lately. I think it all started a few years ago with Bill Cosby and his crazy @$$. But, it continued with the Three Six Mafia win at the Oscars. And has spread to a debate about the term “African-American” and appropriate “speech.”



Black people…



You suck!



Not every black person is on drugs, robbing the blind, killing their girlfriends, calling each other the “n” word, or speaking a foreign language you like to call “ebonics.”



99% of us are not embarrassing you and/or too stupid to take care of ourselves or families if we have them.



If you believe black people are “embarrassing you,” you are uppity and need to go away.


Go join the KKK- they would like your type of thinking.


Of course, you may not live much longer once you walk through their doors, but at least you would be with “your kind.”


So please, for the love of God, go away and leave me alone.


I don’t support your cause.




South Florida


South Florida…


You are a third world country.


I apologize in advance for offending third world countries. I’m sorry.


South Florida, for some reason you do not believe that your citizens and “visitors” have to comply with the laws of the United States of America. This has led to the whole region being full of hustlers and con artists.


If you would like to be a region whose only laws are those that dictate the black market, I propose that you secede from the United States. You can have your own little country and do whatever you see fit. That would be better then perpetrating like you are open to, oh I don’t know, enforcing the U.S. Constitution and/or common law.


Also, you are hot and full of hurricanes. So, the rest of the country won’t be upset about losing you.


So, please, go away and let me leave.




People who Hate Brittany Spears


You’ve gone too far!



You made the girl cry.



All is fair in celebrity teasing until you make someone cry.



Putting the baby in the car seat backwards is an innocent mistake…



Sort of…



Well, it’s a mistake I would make if I was not up on how to not kill babies.



The point is she’s doing her best. Anyone could almost drop their baby on its head. Some of you were probably dropped on your heads. And you still love your parents, right?




Okay, okay, so you don’t love your parents. But, that’s not Brittany’s fault.



Cut the girl some slack.



Geez!




Tyra Banks


You are one retarded be-otch.



The sad thing is, I used to think you were really cool. I thought you were going to be the one who changed the fashion industry’s retarded weight standards and, at the same time, become my generation’s next Oprah. Instead, you’ve developed into a brat and I really don’t like you.


Newsflash Ms. Banks: A southern accent is not speaking “black” or “hood.”


It’s a Southern accent!


White people have Southern accents!


If a white model had a Southern accent, you would think it’s endearing. But a black girl has a Southern accent and she is retarded.


You suck.


Also, you are a hypocrite.


How can you tell young women, including the models on your stupid show, to be themselves and then tell them that they have to look, speak, and talk like everyone else?


How can you tell a prospective model that her pictures look like she’s “dancing,” and then yell at her for taking a picture that doesn’t look like she’s “dancing” when she stopped taking “dancing” pictures because you told her not to?


I mean, you’re so confusing that I don’t even understand what I just wrote explaining your confusing statements.



You need help. Please seek it out.




Oprah Winfrey


Dammit, Oprah!



You could have invited me to the Legend’s Ball. I’m a legend!



Or at least one day, I will be…



Or hope to be…



The point is, I should have been in that room with all those greats. I could have sat next to Janet and learned “the secret” to losing weight in 5 minutes! But, oh no, I’m not famous and rich enough to have my own personal waiter serve me expensive food and get drop diamond earrings and sing with Patti LaBelle.



One day, you will pay for your insolence, Oprah!



One day…




Hollywood


You @$$%&*$#!!!



I work in this building for crying out loud!



You do not get to yell at me because I ruined your shot of the sun coming up over the bay.



I WORK HERE!!!



Are you going to pay me for not showing up to work?!?! Huh? Huh? Are you? Are you?



I didn’t think so!



So, the next time you want “quiet on the set” so you can get “the perfect shot of the sun coming up,” make sure you compensate me adequately so that the elevator I’m riding on to take me to my office to collect my day’s wages doesn’t “ding” and disrupt your filming.



Also, I would be happy to have you speak with my mother regarding my safety, health (read: “Did you lose any weight, Reese?”), and/or career prospects. That way, I wouldn’t disturb your precious quiet by talking on the cell phone with my mother while you are filming your precious, precious sunset.



Right now, I’m just screaming a list of obscenities at you. I want you to know that.




Others


Don’t think you are safe from my wrath.



At any time, I could add you to this list.



You are not safe…



I’m watching you…



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Quarter Life Crisis

People are really getting on my nerves.


The wallpaper on my laptop, Vicky3, is this picture…








This picture is of me, age four, and my mother. For some reason, though, when people come into my office they all say the same thing…



Random Person: “Ohh! Is that your daughter?”

Reese [with attitude]: “What?”

Random Person: “Ohhhh! Your daughter is sooo cute!”

Reese [still with attitude]: “What?”

Random Person: “And you look lovely in this picture! I love the hat. It’s classic!”

Reese: “That is not my daughter! That child is me! ME! When I was four! That woman is my mother! My MOTHER!”

Random Person: “Get out! Oh, wow! You were so cute…”

Reese: “What, you think I’m old enough to have a child?”

Random Person: “You look just like your mother!”

Reese: “Excuse me? But, do you think I look like a mother?”

Random Person: “Your mother is beautiful. Tell her I said that. Okay, well see you later.”

Reese: “I AM NOT A MOTHER!!!!”



You do not know how many times I have had this discussion. And not just about this picture. For some reason, as I get ever closer to the dreaded three-zero, everyone thinks that I am supposed to be married with kids or something.



Bank Teller: “Thank you Mrs. Law Girl…”

Reese: “Miss Law Girl…”

Bank Teller: “And, Happy Mother’s Day!”

Reese [with attitude]: “What?”

Bank Teller: “I’m sure your husband has something great planned for you!”

Reese: “I AM NOT A MOTHER! I AM NOT A WIFE!”

Bank Teller: “See you next time, Mrs. Law Girl!”



I really don’t appreciate this assumption. I mean, do I look like I have children?



Scratch that, don’t answer it.



At the very least, people should know that I am way too young to have children. Tell me, does this look like the face of a woman with children?









More like the face of a woman who would chase children into her ginger bread oven.


And that’s what is important to remember. I do not look like a mother because I am too young to have children, and husbands, and responsibilities. Right now, my biggest responsibility is figuring out if I’m going to upgrade my cell phone to a RAZR or a SLVR. I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies!



Unfortunately for me, my friends did not seem to get the memo that we are not supposed to have families that we have to take care of. For example, one friend of mine, who shall not be named, is preggers. In light of this development, I recently found out that I have to throw her a baby shower because I am her friend.


I mean really?!?!




Lisa: “Man, I can’t believe it! Pretty soon, we’re going to be non-blood related aunties!”

Reese [with attitude]: “What?”

Lisa: “Yeah, and now we have to throw her a baby shower.”

Reese: “WE DO?!?!”

Lisa: “Yes…”

Reese: “Why?”

Lisa: “Because our FRIEND is having a BABY and so it is our RESPONSIBILITY to throw her a BABY SHOWER to CELEBRATE the birth of her BABY!”

Reese: “Are you serious?”

Lisa: “Are you retarded?”

Reese: “Okay, I have been to baby showers, but I have never planned one. We really have to do this? Aren’t we too young for such an undertaking?”

Lisa: “What is your problem?!?”

Reese: “I just don’t understand all of this stuff people are doing these days. Getting married, having babies, planning mutual-CD-stock-bond-funds and the like. What is going on?!?”

Lisa: “Well, basically, people are not stunted mentally like you and have decided to grow up.”

Reese: “I’m growing up. I mean, I have a second checking account and I now actually keep my check register current…”

Lisa: “Wow…”

Reese: “But, I just think we’re too young for this. Aren’t we too young for this?”

Lisa: “No, you’re just retarded, basically.”

Reese: “I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!”

Lisa: “Our friend is having the baby and you’re the one freaking out. Amazing.”

Reese: “I CAN’T HANDLE A BABY!”



The whole world has gone insane. Since when did we start expecting young people like myself to have children? It’s just not right! Personally, I think it’s the reason why the teenagers are having babies. I mean, when they see that people expect a young person such as me to have babies, then they naturally assume that they should have babies too…



Teenager: “Oh my gawd! If people think someone as young and lovely as Reese is supposed to have children, then I should be trying to get pregnant right this minute! It’s what’s expected of me, isn’t it?”




You see?!? You see?!? All of you people’s baby/husband talk about me is single-handedly increasing the nation’s teenage pregnancy rate! For this reason alone, we must stop all the talk about Reese having babies.



Stop the madness people! Recognize my “youthful intelligence!”



And leave the baby-making to the old ladies!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Haruhi, Take Us Out...

It is now my goal in life to get everyone to join the SOS Brigade.


Right now, you probably think I'm talking gibberish, but if you watched The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya you would totally understand what I'm talking about.


In any case, I'm moving this weekend. And, if I'm lucky, I may get to hang out with Caro while she's visiting the MIA. Very cool! :)


So, anyways, I'll see you guys next week. I was thinking of doing a Tales from the Childhood or the last installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship next week.


Eh, I'll figure it out.


In any case, I leave you with my new avatar, Haruhi, dancing you into the weekend.


Have a merry one! :D


PS: If Reese the Law Girl was an anime character, I would totally be Haruhi- minus Haruhi's penchant for sexual harassment of course (that's an inside Haruhi joke; now, don't you really want to watch this show to figure out what I'm talking about?)

Peace!




Monday, May 15, 2006

The Melancholy of Reese the Law Girl

If you don’t know, I’ve had my hair in braids for the last year and a half. And, while the braids were good and satisfied my long-term love “the lazy,” I am now ready for Something Different.

Something you may not know about me is that I can never keep the same style for too long. Even with the braids, I used to change the style of my hair every day of the week a la Haruhi Suzumiya...
























Ponytails, pig tails, spikey buns, meatballs- you name it, I wore it. But, now I’m kind of done with braids. At least until I get lazy again. So, your friendly neighborhood Law Girl decided to do something that she hasn’t done in 2 years…




Get a relaxer.




Yes, a perm, hair straightener, chemical death. Whatever you want to call it, I decided to go and do it. Now, all I had to do was find a hairdresser (I think you white girls call them stylists).


Now, when a African-American woman decides to straighten her hair, she must find the right person. Relaxers are no joke. They will kill you and/or leave you brain dead when handled by the wrong person. After asking every black woman in Miami, I found a woman who had the endorsement of several people I respect. So, I confirmed the hairdresser's hours and went to get my “hair did” (that is actually the first time I have ever said “hair did”- ha!).


Now, unlike other places in the U.S., Miami does this weird thing where the white salons actually have “stylists” that do black hair. There actually aren’t that many black salons. This would usually scare me, but since I know that’s just how they do things here, I was okay with going to a white salon. But, my other rules about getting my hair done still remained in effect (you know I have rules about everything!):



1. Only a black person may do my hair.

2. Only a woman my do my hair (I don’t care if he is gay, he’s a dude! He’s not touching my head!).

3. Said hairdresser must come with at least 5 glowing references.



Now, the hairdresser I was going to see fulfilled all of these requirements. The salon she belonged to did not take appointments, so I just showed up when she said she arrived to work. Problem was, I went to the wrong salon…




Reese: “Hi, is Jackie here?”

Random Black Stylist [giving a black girl a relaxer]: “Umm, Jackie works at the salon in Hialeah. She doesn’t work here.”

Reese: “Hialeah! That’s 25 minutes away! Oh, great!”



Now, I’m in a quandary. I must get my hair done as I had taken my braids out and could not possibly show up at work with a large, untamed afro.

Don’t get me wrong, afros are cool and I would show up to work with an afro. But, I can’t rock an afro due to my unusually large head. I needed my hair straightened and I needed it done now. Thus, I had to lose one my rules…



5 glowing references went out the window.




Reese [to the Random Black Stylist]: “Hmmm? Well, can you do my hair?”

Random Black Stylist: “Actually, I’ve been here all day and after this customer I’m going on a lunch break.”




Dang! Now, I’m in a bind. I’m way too lazy to go Hialeah. And, I must get my hair done now! Thus, I had to lose another one of my rules…



Women hairdressers only went out the window…




Reese: “What about that black guy over there?”

Random Black Stylist: “He only cuts hair.”

Reese: “Dang!”

Random Black Stylist: “You do have another option…”



[WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION CONTAINS BLACK SECRET CODE LANGUAGE. IN ORDER FOR THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO FOLLOW THE CONVERSATION, A TRANSLATION IN BOLD WILL APPEAR UNDER EACH CHARACTER’S DIALOGUE]



Random Black Stylist: “There’s another girl who does relaxers, but you have to decide if you want her to do your hair.”

Translation: “There’s another chick here who does hair, but she ain’t black. She’s Spanish. And, she ain’t Dominican. She’s that Venezuelan, Argentinean, Christina Aguilera type Spanish girl. You know, white.”


Reese: “Hmmm?”

Translation: “Hell no!”


Random Black Stylist: “Well, you could go to Hialeah…”

Translation: “Go to Hialeah you lazy bum!”


Reese: “Well, is the other girl any good?”

Translation: “Look, is my hair going to fall out, because I’m not trying to go bald!”


Random Black Stylist: “She’s good.”

Translation: “Your hair won’t fall out. That’s all I can promise you.”


Reese: “Well, then she’ll do.”

Translation: “I’m sooo lazy. I’m willing to risk my brain cells to get my hair done by the white girl.”




And, so, this was the story of how I lost all of my hair follicles.




Hahahaha, no not quite.




So, Solaris is the one whom I have “chosen” to do my hair.



Yes, all my rules did go the way of the Dodo.




Reese: “So, ummm, Solaris you know I have “virgin hair.” None of it has been touched by the chemical waste that is a relaxer.”

Solaris: “It’s okay, mami. I got you, don’t worry. It will be bonita!”

Reese: “Well, okay…”



So, Solaris started to put the relaxer in. Meantime, I said a little prayer and prepared for a larger than normal chemical burn that always pops up on my scalp after I get a relaxer.


Now, the first thing Solaris did wrong was that she did not put any of the relaxer on the roots of my hair. I can’t have straight hair, but super kinky roots!



Reese: “Uhhh, Solaris?”

Solaris: “Yea, mami?”

Reese: “Ummm, could you make sure you get the roots?”

Solaris: “Oh, mami, I do the roots last. I get the long hair first and then do the roots, because doing the roots is what causes the scalp to burn. Do the roots last and it gives the long hair time to get straight. This way the relaxer stays in longer. You see, mami?”

Reese: “Wow…that’s bloody brilliant, Solaris! None of my other hairdressers have ever done that! Amazing!”

Solaris: “It’s going to be muy bonita, mami! You’ll see…”




So, even though Solaris put the relaxer in the wrong way (“roots last” and not “roots first,”), I was able to keep the relaxer in for a good 25-30 minutes. That’s the longest I have ever been able to keep a relaxer in! Also, it never burned! Amazing!



Moving on, the second thing Solaris did wrong was to rinse the relaxer out and then put the deep conditioner in…



Reese: “Uhhh, Solaris, shouldn’t you shampoo my hair now?”

Solaris: “Ay, mami, I put deep conditioner in first. Then wash, then condition again. You’ll see, it will be muy bonita!. Muy bonita!”

Reese [sighing]: “Okay…”




So, Solaris rinsed and conditioned, and then shampooed, and then conditioned again. After that, my hair was completely straight! I mean not a trace of curls.



For a second, I thought she somehow made me into a white girl.



Anyways, so the third thing Solaris did wrong was blow dry my hair before she trimmed it…



Reese: “Uhhh, Solaris…”

Solaris: “Trust me, mami.”

Reese [sighing]: “Okay…”




So, after a blow dry, trim, flat iron and curl, my hair was done. And in record time no less. Solaris finished in 2 hours flat. FYI for white people, 2 hours for a black girl is the equivalent of you getting your hair done in 30 seconds. Amazing, I know.



Yeah, so Solaris turns me around to look at the mirror and guess what…



Reese: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Solaris: “You like?”

Reese: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Solaris: “It’s good, no?”

Reese: “Solaris?”

Solaris: “Yes?”

Reese: “I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!”

Solaris: “You like it, mami?”

Reese: “IT’S THE BEST ITS EVER BEEN!! NO ONE HAS EVER DONE MY HAIR THIS WELL!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!”

Solaris: “I told you to trust me, mami.”

Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! SOLARIS, YOU ROCK!!!!!”

Solaris: “I know.”

Reese [shaking her head]: “OH YEAH!! OH YEAH!!! OH YEAH!!!!”

Solaris: “Here’s my card. Make sure you come back in 4-6 weeks for a touch-up, mami!”



Yeah, so even though Solaris did everything wrong, she still managed to do my hair perfectly! Which leads me to add a new, overly broad, generalization to my list of Overly Broad Generalizations.



* “Lisa” is crazy.
* CC is violent.
* Reese is wonderful.
* Spanish girls do the best hair.



Go figure!



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Thursday, May 11, 2006

Miami Celebrity Sighting #2: 50 Cent

Shannon: “Oh, my god, Reese! You will not believe what happened yesterday at the office!”

Reese: “What happened?”

Shannon: “Well, it was after you had already left for the day. I was finishing up some cases when…”



In the Office…



Shannon: “Well Judge, the thing is, you can’t use intra-agency communication as a means to prove Congressional intent. That’s preposterous! Only senate hearings or house debates during the development…”

???: “G-UNIT!!!!!!!”

Shannon [to her Judge]: “Uhhh…what? Hmmm…that was weird.”

“Anyways, how could they even try to argue that communication between one executive branch agency and another is…”


???: “[Insert racial epithet], WHAT!!!! WE CAN’T BE STOPPED!!! WE WON’T BE STOPPED!!! ALL THE HATERS, GET THE [insert bad word] OUT!!!! THIS A G-UNIT THANG!!!!”


Shannon: “Oh my god! What is that?”

Judge: “Shannon, what’s a “G-Unit thang?”

Shannon: “How am I supposed to know!”

Judge [looking out the window]: “Oh, I just figured you would know.”

[Editor’s note: Shannon is black.]

Shannon: “Judge, I assure you I have no idea what a “G-Unit thang” is and I have no idea what is going on outside on the terrace.”


Immediately, Ivy, the young hearing clerk, runs into Shannon’s office…


Ivy [to the Judge & Shannon]: “OH MY GOD!!!! DID YA’LL HEAR THAT?!?!”

Judge: “Yes, what is all the racket?”

Ivy: “OH MY GOD, JUDGE!!! IT’S 50 CENT!!! HE’S HAVING A HIP-HOP PARTY IN OUR BUILDING!!! IT’S OFF THE CHAIN, FO SHIZZLE!!!!”

[Editor’s note: Ivy is white.]

Shannon: “What? 50 cent? Well, all I know is he should not be in this building making all this noise. What if we were having a hearing?!?”

Ivy [looking out the window]: “THIS IS OFF THE HOOK! WE HAVE TO GO DOWN THERE!!!”

Shannon: “Absolutely not. This is just ridiculous! The audacity…”

Judge [looking out the window]: “I think we should go down there.”

Shannon: “JUDGE!!!”

Judge [still looking out the window]: “Hey, Ivy, who are those scantily clad ladies on the stage?”

Ivy: “OH MY GOD!!! THOSE ARE VIDI-HO’S!!!! THEY ARE THE NAKED CHICKS THAT ARE ALWAYS IN RAP VIDEOS!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE FIFTY BROUGHT THEM HERE TO DANCE FOR HIS PARTY!!!!”

Judge [eyes fixated on the vidi-ho’s]: “Well, now I know we should definitely go down there.”

Shannon: “I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!”

Judge [heading out the door]: “Oh, Shannon. Lighten up!”

Ivy: “I’M GONNA DANCE WITH THE VIDI-HO’S!!!!”

Shannon: “Yeah, well I’m staying right here!”

Judge and Ivy: [leaving out the door and heading to the elevator]

Shannon [yelling at the other two]: “Fine you go! But, I’m going to stay here and do my work!”

Judge and Ivy: “Have a nice weekend, Shannon!”

Shannon [speaking to herself]: “I can’t believe they went down there. That’s totally ridiculous! What kind of office building rents its space to rappers!?!”

???: “OH, WE GOT SOME WHITEY’S IN THE HOUSE NOW!!!! WE GETTIN’ CRUNK TONIGHT!!!! G-G-G-G-UN-IT!!!!!”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"Real Life Sucks Losers Dry. If You Wanna $#@% with the Eagles, You Have to Learn to Fly."


Why didn’t anyone tell me that Kim Walker passed away 5 years ago?!?!




I am really pissed!!!!



Kim Walker was an important part of my childhood and no one gave her enough respect to let the world know that she had passed away!!




I’m not just being sarcastic- I really loved Kim Walker. I’m upset that I didn’t know that she died.




Right now some of you are probably wondering who Kim Walker is. I’ll give you some hints…




You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.




I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.



You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.




No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?





And what used to be my favorite Kim Walker line…



Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?




If you don’t know who Kim Walker is yet, then immediately go to your Netflix queue or run to Blockbuster and go rent Heathers. Heathers was, and still is, a classic. It’s also one of my favorite movies of all time. Of course, my favorite “Heather” was Kim Walker’s “Heather Chandler.” She was so evil and fierce and talked sooo cool! She was the highlight of Heathers and I always wished there was more of Heather Chandler in the movie; but, alas, I understood why there was so little.



In any case, my favorite “Heather” died in 2001. Ironically, she died of a brain tumor.



Isn’t that beyond weird? I mean, considering that the "brain tumor" line was one of her most famous lines in that movie.



Also weird is that Jeremy Applegate who played the character Peter Dawson also passed away. He died in 2000 of an apparent suicide. Besides the fact that Heathers was about teenage suicide, Jeremy’s character said this at Heather Chandler’s funeral…



Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me because I could never handle suicide.




Spooky.




Anyways, what gets me about this is that I have the Heathers DVD with the 30 minute retrospective and they don’t ever mention Kim Walker passing away. How rude! How could they just forget about her like that? She was a major part of the movie! Unbelievable!!





In any case, now that I have simultaneously depressed and creeped you out, I’ll end this post. But, not before I give a shout out to my girl Kim Walker.





She will always be Heather #1 in my book!





PS: You see what happens when I lose all inspiration to write. My mind goes to dark places. Oh, the humanity!!! (that’s another Heather’s reference for all of you non-Heathers people)




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