Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Bleh, I'm Back...

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

My First Political Post

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I wasn’t going to post.  Whatever.


Okay, as you all know by now our Executive Branch sold our ports, and therefore our lives, to the United Arab Emirates.


What I find funny about this situation (yes, I did find something funny) is that Republicans AND Democrats have been pretty united in poo-poohing this whole thing.  


It’s remarkable because I just figured I was going to hear Republicans say that people are somehow un-American for questioning the administration on this.  But instead, even Republicans think this is a bad idea.  Which leads me to this conclusion…




In the end, everyone wants to live.




Yes, it is true.  There is something that can unite both parties.  It’s that strong human spirit called…





“I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!”





Who knew that self-preservation could unite the two-party system?





© Copyright 2006.  All Rights Reserved.

I'm Off to the Desert!

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Congratulations Shani!!!


Why didn't anyone tell me I have a step-cousin in the Winter Olympics!?!?!?!


I just found out a couple of days ago!


In any case, congrats go out to my cousin* who just became the first African-American to win an individual Olympic gold medal in the Winter Olympics! He won his gold in the long track, speed skating thingy.


Yeah, Shani!!




That's history ya'll, so you better recognize!








*Yeah, that's right! I'm claiming him as family! Everyone else gets to have someone famous in their family and now I do too. I mean, yeah, there is that famous singer that my Dad says we're related too, but I just think we have the same last name. The way I figure it, this is the closest I'm going to get to true name-dropping (with the exception of Leslye's brother), so I'm going to be riding this one for the rest of my life. Shani Davis- Reese the Law Girl's cousin. Nobody better question me on it either! >p~~~

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 152 to Day 202

A Turn for the Worse.


Bonjour, dames et monsieur and welcome to your second to last edition of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.



When we last left our couple, Lisa had finally professed her love for Mike.



It was touchingly disgusting.



But, since that time what have Lisa and Mike been up to? Well, pretty much what any couple is up to after they fall in love with each other…



Preparing to break up.



That’s right! Lisa and Mike are not having a particularly good run at their relationship right now. What’s the problem you ask? Well, if you give me a minute, I’ll tell you. Geesh!


I mean, really, do you guys know how long it takes for me to write these things? I’m not a creative person by nature, you know? I have to get into “the zone” where I have to implore “The Funny” to assist me. And, let me tell you something- “The Funny” is a bastard! He left this series after the “time machine” episodes. I asked him to come back, but he refused. He said I owed him “overtime” or something and that he doesn’t work for “free” and that “slavery” is “illegal” and some other junk.



Pssf! Whatever!



Anyways...uhhh…what was I talking about…


Oh, yeah, “The Funny!” He’s such a rotten bastard! I swear if he “reports” me to the “authorities” for “locking” him in my “basement” it’s going to be on!


Lisa: “Okay, alright, that’s enough!”

Reese: “Hey! What are you doing here?!?”

Lisa: “We can all see that you have completely lost your mind. So, I’m going to narrate this time.”

Reese: “What? You don’t narrate! You’re a character in the story that I, or any one of the people living in my head, narrates.”

Lisa: “Yes, well, you’ve obviously gone mad and we need to finish this, so if you’ll step aside…”

Reese: “What? This is my blog! If you want to write something go write something on YOUR blog!”

Lisa: [sigh]

Reese: “Don’t “[sigh]” at me!!”

Lisa: “I knew it would come to this. Ahem…”


“POLICE!!!”



The COPS of South Pinellas, Florida: “Alright, ma’am, you’re going to have to come with us.”

Reese: “What?!? Why?!?!”

The COPS: “Enslavement of “The Funny.”

Reese: “What?!?! No way!! I can’t be arrested on my own blog!!!!!”

The COPS: “MA’AM, PLEASE TRY TO CONTROL YOUR AGGRESSIVE BLACK GENE!!!”

Reese: “What?!?!”

The COPS: “TAKE HER DOWN!! TAKE HER DOWN!!!”

Reese [running away]: “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!”

Cop #1 [chasing Reese]: “WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS RUN AWAY?!?!?”

Cop #2 [also chasing Reese]: “THEY NEVER LEARN!! THEY JUST NEVER LEARN!!!”




Lisa: “Whew. Now that that’s over…”

Reese [still running]: “I’LL GET YOU LISA…”

Lisa: “…we can get on with the story…”

Reese: “AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!!!!!!”

Lisa: “Gee, someone’s bitter.”



[Lisa narrates…]

Okay, now where were we? Oh, yes, Mike and I had finally confirmed our love, but now we’re having problems.


You see, the thing is, Mike is an annoying bastard. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. He’s an annoying bastard. He does this thing that I hate. It’s called being a bossy prick! Here let me show you. We had this conversation in his car on the way to the movies…



Mike: “What’s wrong, Lisa?”

Lisa: “Oh, I’m just pissed at my sister is all. We had a fight today.”

Mike: “Geez, your family is so dysfunctional. You know what I think you should do?”

Lisa: “Excuse me, but did you just say my family is dysfunctional?”

Mike [ignoring Lisa]: “You should apologize to your sister. I’m sure whatever happened, it’s all your fault.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE ARGUMENT WAS ABOUT!!!”

Mike: “Yeah, but you always start trouble. You need to do what I’m saying and apologize to your sister.”

Lisa [steaming mad]: “Let me get this straight. First, you insult my family when you know nothing about my family?”

Mike: “Meh.”

Lisa: “Then, you side with my sister, when I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND!”

Mike: “Feh.”

Lisa: “And now you’re telling me that I’m a troublemaker and that I’m supposed to do what you say?!?”

Mike: “Wow, you’re actually catching on.”

Lisa: “Okay…you know what…okay…I’m just not going to say anything right now, I’m just going to distance myself from you because if I don't I’m going to say something that I regret.”

Mike: “Well, do whatever you have to do to get your emotions in check.”

Lisa: [gives Mike the Death Stare]

Mike [condescendingly]: “Whoo! Someone’s upset.”



You see?!? The bossy part was him telling me what to do. The prick part was everything else. Okay, now repeat this same conversation and insert my sister for a co-worker, a friend, or the homeless guy on the street and no matter what it’s always my fault and I need to do what Mike says to fix it.


Naturally, I responded as any woman would when faced with such a problematic relationship…



I told Mike to change and, when he didn’t, I dumped his @$$!!!!


Lisa: “Look, Mike it’s obvious that we have some problems. And, I think there are some things you can work on so we won’t have these problems.”

Mike: “Yeah, well I think you should just accept me for who I am.”

Lisa: “Well, that’s true, but can’t I ask that you work on some things to improve our relationship?”

Mike: “Why’s it always gotta be me? That’s what I’m saying…”

Lisa: “Look, I just think if you could try to be a little more considerate and not so demanding and demeaning we could work these things out. The way you talk to me and the way you say things is just not cool.”

Mike: “Yeah…”

Lisa: “So, do you think you could try to be less bossy?”

Mike: “Ummm…”

Lisa: “Well?”

Mike: “Well…”

Lisa: “Yes?”

Mike: “Well…”

Lisa: “MIKE!!!”

Mike: “Okay, I’ll think about trying. How about that?”

Lisa: “You mean you’re not going to try to be less bossy?”

Mike: “Well, I don’t know if I’m going to try or not. I’ll think about the possibility of being less bossy. If you give me 30 days to think about it, I’ll know for sure.”

Lisa: “30 days?”

Mike: “Yes.”

Lisa: “Like a 30 day trial period where you don’t actually try anything, you just think about trying?”

Mike: “Exactly!”

Lisa [turning to go to sleep]: “Okay, I see. Well, goodnight.”

Mike: “Goodnight, sweetie.”



The Next Day…



Mike: “So, Lisa, what do you want to do today?”

Lisa: “Do today?”

Mike: “Yeah, what’s the plan for today?”

Lisa: “Mike, what are you talking about? We’re broken up.”

Mike: “WHAT?!?!”

Lisa: “Remember? Last night we broke up.”

Mike: “WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!”

Lisa: “When you said you weren’t willing to try to be less bossy.”

Mike: “I DIDN’T SAY I WOULDN’T TRY!! I SAID I HAD TO THINK ABOUT POSSIBLY TRYING!!!”

Lisa: “Yeah and I said if you could try we could work things out. But, sense I got a “maybe” instead of a “yes” on the trying, it’s obvious that we can’t work things out. So, now we’re broken up.”

Mike: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!”

Lisa: “Well, you’re the one who made the decision.”

Mike: “I DIDN’T MAKE A DECISION! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT!!!”

Lisa: “And, the lesson learned is that inaction is just as much of a decision.”

Mike: “WHAT?!?!”

Lisa: “It’s a very powerful lesson if you actually think about it, Mike.”

Mike: [stunned silence]

Lisa: “Well, you know, it’s been real. Have a nice life and all.”

Mike: [more stunned silence]

Lisa: “Wow, Mike. You actually look hurt.”

Mike: [still stunningly silent]

Lisa: “Yeah, well, you’ll get over it. Now, it’s time for you to go. I have things to do and cute new boys to pick up.”

Mike [dazed and confused]: “What….”

Lisa: “Come now! Chop, chop- time to go! I don’t have all day.”



Yeah, that’s right! I broke up with my boyfriend, kicked him out, and moved on from the relationship all in one night.



What?




I don’t like dwelling in the past. It’s my thing. Not dwelling in the past is my thing.




So, anyway, now you know the whole story.




Or do you?



Stay tuned for the final installment. Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 193 to Day 355. Epilogue.




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


I thought we all agreed last year to eliminate Valentine's Day and other useless holidays?



You people are not holding up your end of the bargain. >p~~~




Well, anyways, it is Valentine's Day and so I guess it would be appropriate to introduce you to the new love of my life...



Tai Shan the Baby Panda (Get ready to start your collective "Awwwwww's"):







Tai Shan is the new baby panda born at the National Zoo in Washington, DC.



Tai Shan and his mommy. Awwwwww!!!




Tai Shan's name means "Super Cutie" in Chinese. Okay, it doesn't really, but it should.



Tai Shan said this was for medicinal purposes only. He can quit anytime.



This is when I paid someone to try and steal Tai Shan. The plan didn't go so well, as my co-conspirator was jailed. But, at least I'm free, right?



Will someone please get me one of these?!?! PLEASE?!?!







If you want to see more of Tai Shan playing in the snow from the Blizzard of '06 go here.



More WTADR tomorrow!! :)

Monday, February 13, 2006

A True Champion



I don't care if she never won an Olympic gold medal, Michelle Kwan is still the best American figure skater in the history of the sport. Five-time world champion, 9 time national champion, and Olympic silver (she was robbed!!!) and bronze medalist. As Dorothy Hamil said, no one will EVER be able to do this again. Michelle actually has a legacy. I'm not sure the same can be said for such "greats" as Tara Lipinski (undeserving of gold) or even Sarah Hughes (okay, she did deserve it).

In any case, I don't know how everyone else defines failure, but when I look at Michelle Kwan all I see is "Champion."

Friday, February 10, 2006

Greedy

I was so psyched to find out that I could get the RAZR phone in pink...





Until, I saw this- the SLVR...




Now, I want the SLVR.



In pink.



In other news, GO HERE!!!(WARNING: This is kind of graffic, so if you're at the office turn it down) But, first read this while the page loads...

1) I can't believe how much Planned Parenthood is off the hook!
2) I think this is designed for kids (like 13/14). Wow!
3) Wow! This cartoon is a trip!
4) I didn't know the egg actually picks the sperm. Amazing.


More WTADR on Monday. Peace! :)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Unpleasentness, Kobe, and More Superhead: The Last Random Discussions from Training

I. Unpleasentness


Debbie: “No, I heard that Vanessa Williams gave Rick Fox herpes.”

Patrice: “Yeah, but I heard she was a lesbian, so there’s no way she could have had herpes if she was gay.”

Everyone but Patrice: “YES, SHE COULD!!!”

Patrice: “Wait a minute, how is a lesbian gonna have herpes down there? You mean when they use their mouth?”

Tai: “Yeah, but also when they be rubbin’ against each other.”

Patrice: “WHAT?!?!”

Debbie: “Yeah, girl you know how they be putting their parts together and stuff.”

Patrice: “That’s not physically possible!!!”

Egypt: “Oh my god girl, yes it is! That’s how they do it!”

Patrice: “But, how?!?!”

Debbie: “You know, they do it like this…”


[Debbie takes her first two fingers on her right hand and inserts them in between her first two fingers on her left hand]


Patrice: “OH MY GOD!!!! GIRL THAT’S NASTY!!!!”

Debbie: “Just like this.” [Debbie repeats motion]

Tai: “Girl, go get yourself any standard porno. You’ll see.”

Patrice: “But, then how do they get herpes? The herpes is on the inside.”

Everyone but Patrice: “NO IT’S NOT!!!”

Reese: “Girl, the herpes is on the outside!”

Egypt: “Yeah, it’s a blister.”

Patrice: “Ewww…”

Reese: “Yeah, and when the blister pops all the herpes comes oozing out and then the skin touches the herpes, and that’s how you get the herpes.”

Everyone but Reese: “EWWWWW, REESE!!! DANG!!! WHY YOU GOTTA GET ALL GRAFFIC!!! YOU NASTY!!!”

Reese: “Oh, hell naw!! I know you scandalous freaks are not telling me I’m nasty because I have medical knowledge when you were just talking about how lesbians do it.”

Debbie: “Just too much information, Reese. Too much!”

Egypt: “I mean, really. Gross, Reese.”

Reese: “You know, what? That’s why I never liked ya’ll. Ooooh, you get on my nerves!!”

-------------------------------------

II. Ladies Man


Cleo: “But, you know- they say Kobe loves those white girls.”

Tai: “Yeah, well that’s fine with me. He needs to take his diseased penis to some other chick. I don’t want it.”

Reese: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Tai: “I mean, I know I’m funny, Reese, but what you laughin’ at?”

Reese: “Oh, man! I’m at this blog- Crunk and Disorderly. Look at the picture that just popped up…”





Everyone: “OH MY GOD!!!!”

Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE CAPTION SAYS, “KOBE AND HIS FUTURE PLAINTIFFS.”

Everyone: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Debbie: “Oh, man! He sure does look happy doesn’t he?”

Patrice: “Like a vampire in a blood bank."

Egypt [speaking with an Eastern European Accent]: “I Vant to Choke Your Neck!”

Tai: “And Pay You Off in Zee Morning!”


[Everyone laughs hysterically]

---------------------------------

III. The Evidence that Proves the Assertion True


Tai: “Yeah, so in this chapter Superhead said that she was messin’ with Xzibit. And then, one night she and Xzibit were hanging out with P. Diddy. And then she said that P. Diddy took her and Xzibit to a club. And so, they were hanging out at the club, and Xzibit noticed that there was nothing but men around. And Xzibit was like, “I know this [insert racial epithet] didn’t bring us to a gay club!!!”

Cleo: “Whoa! Superhead said Diddy was gay?”

Tai: “That’s what she’s saying.”

Reese: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Tai: “Dang! What you laughin’ at now, Reese?”

Reese: “Dude! Call it luck or irony or whatever, but look at what picture just popped on Crunk and Disorderly.”

Everyone: “What?”





Everyone: “OH MY GOD!!!”

Tai: “Superhead was telling the truth!!!!!!”

Debbie: “Awww, man!!! I can’t believe it!!”

Egypt: “Well believe it, honey. P. Diddy swings both ways, evidently.”

Debbie: “Wow.”

Patrice: “Damn!”

Debbie: “Where is his hand?”

Egypt: “Somewhere your’s will never be, girl. Somewhere your’s will never be.”





© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.