Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Superhead, Jigga, Angelina & Brad, Maternity Leave, and Chocolate Eclairs: Other Random Discussions During Training

Here are some other random discussions we had during training…


--------------------

I. More Superhead


Egypt: “Oh, yeah, I read Superhead’s book. Ya’ll know she slept with EVERYBODY!”

Reese: “Yeah, I heard.”

Egypt: “Yeah, and they called her Superhead because she could take it ALL in!! Like ALL of it!!”

Debbie: “Okay, we get it.”

Egypt: “Like ALL of it!! She would even throw-up and still…”

Debbie: “STOP IT!!!”

-------------------------

II. Jigga What?

Debbie: “Ya’ll if we get called on we are going to be in so much trouble.”

Alex: “We need to come up with a plan.”

Egypt: “I already got a plan. If she calls on me, I’m gonna be like, “Jigaa what? Jigga who?”

Reese [repeating Egypt with a beat]: “Jigga what? Jigga who?”

Alex [chiming in]: “You know you can’t f--- with me!”

Debbie: “Switcha flow, getcha dough, can’t f--- with this Roc-a-fella s--- though…”

-------------------------

III. Angelina & Brad

Reese: “ANGELINA DID NOT STEAL BRAD PITT!!!”


Egypt: “ANGELINA IS A SKINNY HO, WITH BIG LIPS!!!”

Cleo: “Okay, because home-girl is UGLY!!!”

Patrice: “Not true!! Angelina is GORGEOUS!!!!”

Reese: “Whatever! Because I would have Brad Pitt’s baby in a heartbeat! If Brad said, “Reese, will you have my baby,” ya’ll would never see me again!!!”

Patrice: “Girl you trippin’!! If Brad Pitt said, “Patrice, will you have my baby,” I would say, “Brad, I’m already pregnant. Your question impregnated me. Just like that.”

-----------------------------

IV. Maternity Leave


Reese: “Hey, Debbie, I thought your husband could give you some of his military leave?”


Debbie: “Yeah, but to do that you gotta have an excuse like you’re on maternity leave or something.”

Reese [laughing]: “Well, you could always lie and say you’re pregnant.”

Debbie [laughing]: “Yeah, and 9 months later say, “Whoops! False alarm.”

Alex [laughing]: “You could say you used an expired pregnancy test.”

Debbie [pretending to talk to the powers that be]: “Oh, but I thought that the negative meant that I WAS pregnant.”

-----------------------------

V. Chocolate Eclairs

Patrice [talking to Reese as Reese re-enters the hearing room]: “Reese, where did you get those doughnuts?!?!”


Reese [eating a chocolate éclair]: “They’re outside in the hallway.”

Debbie: “Those are the doughnuts for the break. You’re not supposed to eat them until the break!”

Reese: “Well, the break was supposed to happen 30 minutes ago and, as you can see from the television screen, she’s still talking. And, as my soul dies a little death every 2 minutes because I’m forced to listen to this training, I’m going to make sure I go out with a bang. So, I’m going to eat as many chocolate éclairs as humanly possible. And, I suggest that if you want to eat as many chocolate éclairs as humanly possible, you take your following directions, non-break taking, starving to death, soul dying behinds outside and eat some pastries.”


[Everyone then runs outside and grabs some goodies.]


© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The Adventures of Superhead

So, I know I’m supposed to be posting the old installments of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship, but I have to tell you what happened today at work…


Okay, beginning this week all of the legal staff have been forced to attend this god-awful training. It lasts all day and it’s completely useless. As the training is being held in one of the hearing rooms, and the hearing room can’t fit all of the staff, the rest of the staff are watching the training via video-conferencing in various other hearing rooms.

Anyways, like I said, the training is boring. So, we’ve been finding other ways to entertain ourselves while the training is being shown on the flat screen TV.

So, we’re bored out of our minds and we start having the funniest discussion I have had in a long time. It’s hilarious!

The cast of characters for this dialogue sequence are the following:

Reese the Law Girl
Alex (fellow Law Boy)
Debbie (fellow Law Girl)
Egypt (fellow Law Girl)
Patrice (paralegal)
Beatrice (65 year old paralegal)
Tai (very young paralegal)
Cleo (paralegal)


And yes, this actually happened. Enjoy!!!
-------------------------------------------


Trainer (on the TV): “So, when you write your decisions what you need to do is blah, blah, blah…”

Reese: “Oh, man! I’m not going to make it! I can’t take this training anymore!”

Debbie: “This is a complete and utter waste of time!”

Patrice: “Seriously!”

Tai: “OH MY GOD!!!”

Patrice: “Girl, what you screaming about?”

Tai [reading a book]: “Oh, girl, I just…I just can’t believe this!”


Patrice: “What you readin’?”

Tai: “The Adventures of Superhead.”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!”


Tai: “The Adventures of Superhead. You know, that book that Superhead wrote about all the stuff she did when she was a vidi-ho.”





Everyone Except Cleo: “Ohhhhhhhh!”


Cleo: “What? What is a vidi-ho?”

Reese: “You know, those naked girls in the music videos. They’re called “vidi-ho’s.”

Cleo: “Ohhhhh.”

Reese: “Yeah.”

Cleo: “But, why is her name “Superhead?”

Everyone Except Cleo: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Cleo: “What?”

Tai: “Girl, are you serious?”

Beatrice: “Even I know why someone would call her “Superhead.” And, I’m an old lady!”

Egypt: “Girl, please, just think about it!”

Cleo: “What? I don’t get it?”

Debbie [laughing]: “I know! Alex, sense you’re the only guy in the room, why don’t you answer this question.”

Alex: “Why do I have to answer this?”

Debbie: “Because it relates to you and your kind.”

Alex: “Okay, fine! How do I say this without being accused of creating a hostile work environment? Hmmmm??? Well…it’s sorta like this…let’s just say that the nice young woman is “super” at giving…uhhh…fellatio…”

Cleo: “Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!”

Alex: “Yeah.”

Patrice [speaking to Tai]: “Girl, I can’t believe you’ve had this book all this time and haven’t been reading it aloud!! What are you reading about Superhead so far?”

Tai: “Well, so far she’s dating some rapper- Cool G or something. And, basically, he’s just knocking her upside the head. Beating her up Ike Turner style.”

Everyone: “DAMN!”

Tai: “Yeah! Oh, wait you haven’t heard anything yet. So, one time he forced her to give him head for 2 hours straight!!!”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Tai: “Yeah!! She said it was so bad that her nose started bleeding!!”

Everyone: “AHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Reese [half-laughing/half-grossed out]: “Ewwww! Oh, man! That’s just wrong!!!”

Cleo: “I don’t think that’s true!”

Egypt: “Sure it is!”

Cleo: “No one can give head for 2 hours like that!”

Egypt: “Sure they can! He probably was moving her head like this…” [Egypt begins moving her head like a retarded duck]

Debbie [laughing]: “Oh my god Egypt, stop it!!!”

Egypt [continues moving her head like a retarded duck]: “Yeah, just like this girl…”

Debbie [laughing hysterically]: “OH MY GOD!!! YOU MUST STOP!!!”

Egypt: “But, still how was he able to hold it in for 2 hours?”

Cleo: “That’s what I’m saying! Superhead done made that story up!!”

Tai: “No, but it was a punishment.”

Reese: “Yeah, he probably didn’t hold it for 2 hours. He just kept making her go after he…you know…released himself.”

Alex [laughing hysterically]: “OH MAN!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GIRLS TALK LIKE THIS!!!!”

Patrice: “What? We just talkin’ about the book.”

Alex [still laughing]: “I DIDN’T KNOW GIRLS TALKED LIKE THIS!!! THIS IS CRAZY!!!”

Tai: “No, what’s crazy is giving head for 2 hours. Even when it’s punishment, she’s still SUPERHEAD!!!”

Everyone: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

Trainer: “…so, Hearing Room 5 do you have anything to add to the discussion?”

Alex: “Yea, we learned that if you put your mind to it you can give head for 2 hours!”

Everyone but Alex: [Silent and in a state of shock]

Alex [laughing]: “Hehehehehe, relax! I didn’t turn the microphone on. She didn’t hear me.”

Everyone: [Breathing a sigh of relief]

Reese [turns the mic on]: “Uhhh…we think…uhhh…we pretty much…uhh…understand everything.”

Trainer: “Okay, well let’s call it a day everyone.”

Debbie: “Unless you’re Superhead. Then you need to get back to work!”

Everyone: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Team Jolie


You see this chick?




This is Angelina Jolie.





This is my home-girl. So, all you other chicks need to stop hatin’ on her!



Here are the reasons why I love Angelina Jolie:



1. She’ll kick your @$$!!

2. She actually knows what’s going on in the world.


3. She kicks @$$!!


4. She’s a good actress.


5. She’s super cool!!




Now, I’ve recently become aware that a lot of women hate Angelina. They think she broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and that she’s a “whore.” To which I say…





SHUT THE HELL UP!!!






Look, the fact of the matter is that Angelina did not break up Jen and Brad. Jen broke up Jen and Brad. I know this for several reasons.



First of all, I believe Angelina when she told Diane Sawyer that she did not sleep with Brad Pitt when he was married. And, I quote...







“BITCH, PLEASE!!! I DON’T NEED TO SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN!! I’M ANGELINA JOLIE, MOTHERF------!!!”







Okay, she didn’t actually say the curse words. I just added those for dramatic effect. But, I’m so sure she wanted to say the curse words. She did in fact say that she didn’t need to sleep with a married man. And, this is true. Because even though Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie is…well, she’s Angelina Jolie. She’s nearly perfect (her lips are a little chapped sometimes). She can get any man she wants. Why would she want some homely girl’s leftovers?




Ouch. I’m sorry, that was mean. I’m sorry.




But, the point is, there are a lot of hot guys out there. Angelina could have gotten one that wasn’t bogged down with a wife. Duh!


Of course, right now you’re saying, “Reese, you’re certifiable. Also, you’re wrong. How do you know that Angelina wasn’t lying?” To which I say…









SHUT THE HELL UP!!!








Do you think that I would be naive enough to be a fan of someone completely devoid of any and all morals (*cough*Kobe Bryant*cough*)? No way! Plus, I’m a lawyer, so I know when someone is lying to my face. Trust me when I say this- she didn’t sleep with Brad Pitt while he was married.



At least, she didn’t while he was not legally separated.




Anyways, I also don’t believe Angelina broke up Jen and Brad, because it is obvious that it was Jennifer Aniston’s idiocy that broke up Jen and Brad.



The fact is that for the last several years, we’ve only heard Brad Pitt utter one word consistently in every interview he’s ever had. And that word is “baby.”



“I’d like to have a baby someday.”


“Well, I definitely want to be the father to a baby soon.”


“You know, yesterday I think I started hearing my biological clock ticking. I think it was saying I need a baby.”


“MY GOD, JENNIFER WOULD YOU GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ BABY ALREADY?!?!?!”



Brad was 41 years old when he and Jennifer legally split last January. Jennifer was 36. Brad wanted a baby now while he could still walk upright. Jennifer wanted to “try” for a baby in about “5 or 6 years” when she would would be 41 or 42. Yeah, you do the math.


Brad didn’t want to have a child when he was damn near 50! It’s obvious that Brad and Jen were at an impasse. And, when it comes to whether or not to have a child, when one spouse wants one and the other wants to “try” for one when all of her eggs are shriveled up and spoiled…well, the marriage is pretty much over.



Oh, and if you still don’t believe me, consider this:



It’s been one year since Brad and Jen split and 3 months since they became legally divorced, and Brad already has 3 children!!!!(1 Maddox + 1 Zahara + 1 Baby on the Way = 3 Marriage Breakers)




I also know that Angelina didn’t break Jen and Brad up, because Jennifer Aniston said so in her Vanity Fair/Vogue/Some “V” Magazine interview. She said, and I quote…




“Angelina did not break up this marriage.”






I mean, what more proof do you need people? It’s obvious.



So, what happened you say? Well, I’m pretty sure it went something like this…




The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Hook-Up Timeline


- Brad and Angelina begin filming
Mr. and Mrs. Smith while he’s still married to Jennifer.

- Brad sees Angelina being a mommy on the set and finds this endearing. Also, Angelina is hot, so he sees this as endearing and hot.

- Brad tries to jump Angelina.

- Angelina says, “Oh, hell to da nawww! You a married man! Get the freak off of me!”

- Brad says, “God, my wife won’t have sex with me so that I won’t impregnate her- it’s all a part of her futile effort to have a movie career. Please, Angelina won’t you get with me and have my baby?!? PLEASE!!!!!!” (6 exclamation points because he’s that serious)

- Angelina looks at him like a fool and then Brad asked if it would be easier if he wasn’t married.

- Brad goes home and tells Jennifer for the last time that he loves her, but that he wants a baby now. Jennifer says, “Oh, hell to da nawww! I’m going to be a movie stah!!”

- Brad laughs, packs his bags, visits his attorney, and files for legal separation.

- Brad and Angelina immediately begin humping like rabbits, with no protection, and tah-dah! Angelina is now preggars.



Yup, I’m pretty sure that’s how it all went down. Give or take a few broken china dishes being thrown against the wall and Jennifer Aniston whining about her future movie career.



So, anyways, now you’re all filled in. Angelina was not a home wrecker. If anything, you should be concerned for Angelina. No one knows if Brad really loves her or if he just wants her for her 29 year old eggs.





Anyways, the point is now you can go back to liking her movies and speculating whether she has collagen in her lips because you now know she's not a homewrecker.





Seriously, I can’t believe I had to spell all this out to you guys.





I mean, really?!?!






What would you without me?






© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Something Different Exclusive: Interview with a Dummy (and his Momma)


[DISCLAIMER: The following is satire. Thus, I am protected by the 1st Amendment.]



[THAT MEANS YOU CAN’T SUE ME MRS. McCRAY!!!]


--------------------------



We interrupt Reese’s whining about the Maryland’s Men’s Basketball team to bring you a Something Different (SD) Exclusive about...



The Maryland Men’s Basketball Team.



After a much dogged pursuit, SD was able to secure an interview with disgraced college basketball player Chris McCray and his momma. We sent our Emmy-winning reporter, Karma, out to conduct the interview.

And now, the McCray’s side of the story…




Karma: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today you are witness to an exclusive interview with disgraced Maryland Basketball player…”

Chris: “Yo, can you stop calling me ‘disgraced?’”

Karma: “Oh my god! You know what “disgraced” means?”

Chris: “What the $%&*?!?!”

Karma: “I’m just saying I’m surprised that you know what that word means. It’s a pretty big word for someone who can’t pass 6 credits worth of classes…”

Chris: “I’M NOT AN IDIOT!!!”

Karma [speaking in condescending, baby talk]: “Oooookaaay, litttllle mannnn.”

Chris’ Momma (Momma): “DON’T BE INSULTING MY BABY, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “Okay, okay, I won’t use the word ‘disgraced.’”

Chris: “Thank you.”

Karma: “Ahem…today you are witness to an exclusive interview with shamed Maryland Basketball player…”

Chris: “Awww, geesh…”

Karma: “…Chris McCray and his Momma. Now, as you may know from Reese’s whining, Chris McCray, Maryland’s leading scorer, was kicked off the team yesterday because he failed to sustain academic eligibility. The specifics of the academic eligibility state that a player must maintain a 2.0 GPA with at least 6 credits worth of classes. Chris McCray failed to do this, and as such, can no longer play basketball this season. And, sense he’s a senior and won’t be back next year anyways, his basketball career is effectively over.”

Chris: “Bummer.”

Karma: “Now, Chris, would you like to explain to the audience why you’re a dumb@$$?”

Chris: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “I mean, why you are now academically ineligible.”

Chris: “Well, you know, being a student athlete is really hard. I gotta play basketball, which I like, but then I got to go to school, which I don’t like. So, you know, it’s just really hard.”

Karma: “Mmmm-hmmm…”

Momma: “I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT MY BABY’S FAULT!!! THIS IS THE FAULT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND!!!!”

Karma: “Okay, Momma, but you don’t have to yell…”

Momma: “THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!”

Karma: “Hmmm, interesting point. But, isn’t it true that the University of Maryland has an Academic Support Program with offices in the brand new Comcast Center?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “And isn’t it true that this academic support center has a budget of over $1 million dollars and over 14 staff members?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “And isn’t it true that these staff members help select the schedules for the players, meet with the players every other week, send out progress reports, and set up tutoring or do the tutoring themselves for student-athletes?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “Now SD, ever the dogged news agency, has been given a copy of your class schedule, Chris, by a source in the athletic department.”

Chris: “Uhhh-ohhh….”

Karma: “Uhh-ohhh, indeed Chris. Now, let’s look at your classes last semester...”

“Let’s see, Tuesday and Thursday at 1:00pm is Basket Weaving 101 and Monday and Wednesday at 2:00pm is Family Studies 102: What Daddies Do.”


Chris: “Yeah…”

Karma: [Sigh]

Chris: “Yeah, I know…”

Karma: “Chris, you couldn’t find the time to pass these classes?”

Chris: “Well, you know, like I said, it’s hard to be a student and an athlete…Well, actually it’s fun being an athlete. But, it’s hard being a student. I gotta learn and stuff. That’s not fun.”

Momma: “THIS IS ALL THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND’S FAULT!!! THEY SHOULD HAVE WORKED WITH MY BABY TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN’T FLUNK OUT!!!”

Karma: “Well, our source in the athletic department tells us that the only reason Chris flunked out is because he wasn’t attending the classes. He actually didn’t need any academic support. He was already very good at making picnic baskets that could keep out the likes of animals smarter than the average bear.”

Momma: “THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!!! THE SCHOOL SHOULD HAVE WORKED WITH MY BABY TO MAKE SURE HE WAS IN ATTENDANCE FOR ALL OF HIS CLASSES!!!”

Karma: “With all due respect Mrs. McCray, the school did warn Chris over a month ago that if he didn’t start going to class and learning how daddies technically don’t have to parent, then he was going to flunk out. What more do you want the school to do? Go to class for him?”

Momma: “YES!!!”

Karma: “What?!?!”

Momma: “IF MY BABY DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO CLASS, THE SCHOOL SHOULD SEND SOMEONE IN HIS PLACE!!”

Karma: “Someone in his place? Like a representative?”

Momma: “YES, A REPRESENTATIVE OF CHRIS MCCRAY SHOULD HAVE SAT IN THE CLASS FOR MY BABY!! IF THEY DID THAT, CHRIS WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN KICKED OFF THE TEAM!!!!”

Karma: “But, Momma McCray, doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of “student-athlete?” If Chris wanted a representative to attend his classes, functions, trials, divorce mediations, civil suit settlement meetings, fallen star press conferences, etc., he should have declared for the NBA years ago.”

Momma: “IF THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND CAN’T SEND A REPRESENTATIVE THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS FLUNKING OUT!!! I WOULD HAVE FIXED THIS MYSELF WEEKS AGO!!”

Karma: “Again, with all due respect, Chris is a grown man. Do you really think the University of Maryland was supposed to call his Momma?”

Momma: “YES!!!”

Karma: “And, what would you have done if they called?”

Momma: “I WOULD HAVE MARCHED RIGHT UP TO THAT SCHOOL…”

Karma: “Yes…”

Momma: “AND I WOULD HAVE SAT IN CLASS FOR MY BABY AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE!!!”

Karma: “I see.”

Chris: “Momma, you would have done that for me?”

Momma: “YES, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A GOOD MOMMA DOES!!! SHE DON’T LET HER BABY FLUNK OUT OF BASKET WEAVING 101!!!”

Chris [hugging his Momma]: “Momma, I love you!! Now, no woman I meet will ever compare to you and I’ll never have a successful marriage!”

Momma: “THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!!!! I’M THE GREATEST WOMAN YOU’LL EVER MEET ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!!!”

Karma: “Ewww, okay, if we can move past the Oedipus complex for just a moment…Chris, don’t you take any responsibility for letting down your coach, your team, the students, the alumni, and most importantly, Reese the Law Girl, for you having to leave half-way through the season?”

Chris: “Yeah, you know it’s my fault. ‘Cause, it’s hard being an athlete and a student. Well, I mean the basketball part is fun. I mean, you get to go to parties and bang a lot of girls…”

Momma [looking proudly at her son]: “THAT’S MY BABY!!”

Chris: “And you get to drink, and get in fights, and get arrested and then have the charges dropped, you know that’s all fun. But, the student part. I mean, that’s hard…”

Karma: “Yes, you’ve already said that.”

Chris: “Yeah, I mean being a student is hard. I mean, basket weaving is hard. You gotta make loops with this flimsy wicker/wood type of substance. And learning what Daddies do…that’s one of those courses that looks easy…”

Karma: “It is easy, Chris.”

Chris: “No, it looks easy when you read it in the registration book. But, when you actually get there you have to wrap your mind around the fact that some cultures actually expect Daddies to parent, after you just learned that most of the time Daddies don’t have to parent, and then you’re like “Whoa! Daddies have to parent?” And, it’s like difficult, you know?”

Karma: “So, in other words, you take no responsibility.”

Chris: “Well, I mean I guess I should have gone to class…”

Momma: “DON’T SAY IT BABY!!! IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT!!! IT’S THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND’S FAULT FOR TEACHING SUCH DIFFICULT COURSE MATERIAL!!!”

Karma: “You know, I’m actually surprised you know anything about these courses, Chris. I mean, after talking to our source in the athletic department…”

Chris: “Ummm, who was your source in the athletic department, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Karma: “Chris, I am a hard-hitting journalist!!! I will NEVER reveal my sources!!!!!”

Chris: “It was Coach Williams, wasn’t it?”

Karma: “Yup.”

Chris: “Man, I knew he was mad. I didn’t know he would be this mad.”

Karma: “Well, Chris, you did ruin an entire season for the Terps.”

Chris: “Yeah.”

Karma: “You embarrassed the school and pissed off the fans too.”

Chris: “Yeah, I get it.”

Momma: “KARMA, STOP TELLING MY BABY THE TRUTH!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE, THAT HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS!?!?!?”

Karma [under her breath]: “Actually, I think he deserves this and maybe a little more…”

Momma: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “Oh, nothing. Just making some plans for after the interview...”


“Well, that concludes this SD Exclusive. Any last words, Chris?”


Chris: “I’d just like to tell all the kids out there that if you decide to play college basketball, that the basketball part is fun. But, they also expect you to do the student part and that’s not fun. So, I mean, you should understand that coming in. Basket weaving and learning what Daddies do is no joke.”

Momma: “AND I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT I’M GOING TO BE RIGHT BESIDE CHRIS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. SO IF ANYONE TRIES TO MESS WITH MY BABY, I’M GONNA BEAT YO’ @$$!!!!”


Karma: “‘I’m gonna beat yo’ @$$!!!’ Truer words were never said.”

“Goodnight, everybody!!”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

And, I'm Done!

That's it.





No more college basketball for Reese.






Maryland's leading scorer, a SENIOR, was kicked off the team permenantly today.





The reason....








He's a dumb@$!






Yes, that's right. Chris McCray found it too difficult to pass 6 credits worth of classes last semester.







6 Credits!!!!!







And, thus ends my basketball season.







I'm going back to the Land of Hot Boys and never leaving...





:_(

Saturday, January 21, 2006

An Open Letter to Mariah Carey



Dear Mariah,



I have something to say to you.



It’s not easy for me to say this.



In fact, it’s quite hard.



But, I think…




No, wait, I know.




I know that I owe you an apology…




As you’re aware, you and I have had our ups and downs.



Well, actually, mostly downs.



I know I’ve talked bad about you from 1992-2004.



That’s a long time to hold a grudge, I know. But, you really pissed me off.



I mean, you came out with “Vision of Love” and I thought you were so cool.



But, then things changed.



And you became uncool.



Totally uncool…




Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure why I was mad at you. Something about becoming a pop princess, making songs for white people and then remixing the same song for black people, and being confused culturally…




Okay, the truth is you were just annoying. You were everywhere and people wouldn’t shut up about you, and I got sick of your whining, “I grew up biracial and the kids teased me blah, blah, blah.”



So, I latched onto Alanis Morissette and gave up on you.



And you, for your part, began to fade away.



And then it was the late ‘90’s. And the Spice Girls came out. And although Kathleen had warned Eliza, Leslye, and I that 5 girls named after seasonings had invaded Britain, my friends and I KNEW that that would never happen in the U.S.


But, it did happen. The Spice Girls were just as big in the U.S. as they were in Europe. Hell, even I was singing about boys having to get with my friends in order to get with me and a zig a zig ah.



And, I will admit that the Spice Girls were fun. But, that was supposed to be the end of it. Just the Spice Girls- that’s it.



But, that wasn’t it. Others, who were not fun, and yet equally untalented, came. And, worse yet, they wanted to be considered serious!



They invaded radio, TV, movies, my brain, and they wouldn’t go away! It was evidently some sort of terrorist attack that we had no idea about. I mean, do you know how painful it is to be forced to hear a bad singer sing? All the time?!?!



I never realized how good it was when the only person I was forced to listen to was you, Mariah. Instead I endured over half a decade of…



I’m a slave for you.
I won’t deny it.
I’m not trying to hide it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha





OH MY GOD!!!



Just thinking about it gives me Tourettes!!!!




Yet, for a moment, I thought that maybe we would be saved. That I wouldn’t have to be subjected to J.Lo’s tone deaf ass declaring that she’s “real.” But, unfortunately, Christina Aguilera couldn’t decide whether or not to be a great singer or a stripper. And, once again, I was back to being tortured.


In what ended up being the greatest insult of all time, a chick named Ashanti not only teamed up with one of the worst rappers ever (Ja Rule), but she was actually awarded for her insolence by being declared Entertainer of the Year by Soul Train.





SOUL TRAIN!!!!!





SOUL $%&*@!# TRAIN!!!!!




I mean, don’t you have to have a soul to get recognition from Soul Train? We all knew that Ashanti was some sort of vampirish creature sucking on the blood of those who came before her. She couldn’t be taken out. She was stuck with us forever.




And I gave up hope that real talent would ever be heard on the radio again.



Others, for their part, put their hope in someone else. But, they quickly realized that she was just a con artist with no range (Beyonce).




I thought, I mean I really thought, that I would never be able to listen to music again. Whitney was on the crack and Teena Marie was retired.


I was so depressed.




But, then, something happened.





Something great.




You, Mariah. You happened.




You got yourself out of the looney bin and you released a song. It was called, “It’s Like That,” and the song was good.




But your ass is crazy and I didn’t know if I could trust you. So, I didn’t buy The Emancipation of Mimi.




But, you kept releasing songs.




Good songs.





Great songs.





And, so, I did something that I hadn’t done in over a decade.




I bought your CD.




And your CD is good.




Actually, it is great.




I keep playing it in my car and attempt to sing (badly) to the songs.




I listen to it at night as I go to sleep.




I marvel at your voice and your range. And, I thank God that he took the time to create your larynx.




And, so Mariah. Now is the time. The time to say…



I’m sorry.




I’m sorry for every bad thing I ever said, thought, or plotted against you for.




And, I also thank you. I thank you for eliminating the competition. For how can Jennifer Lopez even think to sing again when your voice will simply make her explode?




Thank you, Mariah.




For you not only emancipated Mimi, you also emancipated me-me.




Hahahahaha!!! Get it? Mimi...me-me...



Okay, nevermind.



Anyways, thanks. For now, I can listen to music again.





Sincerely,


Reese the Law Girl





P.S.: If you ever need any administrative law help, please call me. I’ll hook you up for free. It’s the least I could do.







© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Stole it from a Jerk

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Reese!

  1. Reese can taste with her feet.
  2. California is the biggest exporter of Reese in the world!
  3. On average, women blink nearly twice as much as Reese.
  4. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by Reese.
  5. Reese can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that's really fast!
  6. If you kiss Reese for one minute you will burn six or seven calories.
  7. Reese is born white; her pink feathers are caused by pigments in her typical diet of shrimp.
  8. Reese is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives.
  9. Three seagulls flying overhead are a warning that Reese is near.
  10. People used to believe that dressing their male children as Reese would protect them from evil spirits.
I am interested in - do tell me about

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Land of Hot Boys

As I sat in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, watching Maryland get decimated by Duke last week, my mind took me to a strange far away place…



A place that I only get to go to in the most desperate of times…



And that place is…






The Land of Hot Boys
(okay, duh, like you didn’t know that was the place).





I only go to the Land of Hot Boys when I’m really messed up. Like I was when JJ Redick was actually able to get 2 inches off the ground and dunk the ball.




B@stard.




Anyways, JJ Redick does not occupy the Land of the Hot Boys (no Dookie does). The Land of Hot Boys is my special place. Every hot boy known to man lives there. It is, quite literally, the Greatest Place in my Imagination.



In the Land of Hot Boys, hot boys outnumber girls 55 to 1. Usually, I’m the “1,” but for the purposes of this piece, I’ll let you cool girls who read my blog come for a visit.



And only a visit- you can’t stay!!



Rebel City


Rebel City is where all of the bad hot boys live. They’re impossibly hot and hate authority figures.


They’re the guys in high school that you thought were so hot, but you also knew were really jackasses.


But, that’s okay. Because in the Land of Hot Boys, bad hot boys can’t hurt any resident girl. So, you get all of the benefits of dating a bad boy with none of the heartache.



The Mayor of Rebel City is James Dean (dude, don’t sleep- James Dean was hot!).


Other citizens of Rebel City are Colin Farrell (you know, when he doesn’t look all scraggly), bad Leo from the Man in the Iron Mask, Allen Iverson, Lenny Kravitz, Ray Lewis, Terrell Owens (idiot), and Matthew McConaughey.



Oh, and the new guy who just moved in- Daddy Yankee.



What? I live in South Florida. Gimmie a break.




Suburban Town


This is where all those sensitive “Father” types live. All they want is for you to have their baby. In return, they do all of the parenting and provide you with a nice comfortable lifestyle where you get to party in Vegas with your friends every weekend.



Yeah…




The County Executive of Suburban Town is Brad Pitt.



In the Land of Hot Boys, I’m the one having Brad’s baby (so all you other chicks better step off!!!).


But, you can choose from the following other residents just waiting for new wifeys:


Blair Underwood
Ryan Phillipe
Gavin Rosdale
David Beckham (a former resident of Rebel City)
Johnny Depp




Sensitive Town Village


Oh, this is where I go a lot.




Because it’s where Orlando lives.








Sigh.



The best thing about Sensitive Town Village is that the hot boys just love to dote on you, without annoying you to death.


This is where hot boys say things like, “Reese, you’re the greatest woman God ever created,” while writing great, cheesy songs and giving you a foot massage.




Ahhhhh…..




There’s no mayor or County Executive in Sensitive Town Village. But, there is a roundtable. And sitting at the round table of hot boys (who are creatively making you the most thoughtful, Valentine’s Day Presents ever) are…


Orlando Bloom (duh!)
John Mayer
Maxwell
Jason Mraz
Jake Gyllenhall




Almost Illegal Township



Currently occupied by the Wakeforest Men’s Basketball Team.



That is until I find another b-ball team that’s cuter.





New Suave City


So, this is pretty much where all of the brothers live.


These guys dress well and carry themselves with a lot of confidence. Mostly because they know they’re hot.

Of course, they also do really hot things like planning romantic dates on the roofs of sky scrapers where they also cook all of the food for said romantic date and then serve it to you while they eye you up and down and…





Hold on… I need a minute…














Okay, I’m back.







Wait, wait....










Okay, I'm really back now.



Now, needless to say that NONE of the guys in New Suave City are gay (sorry, but there are no gay men in the Land of Hot Boys; yeah, the Land of Hot Boys discriminates like that). So, don’t let their good looks and well-fitted, perfectly sized jeans and D&G dress shirts fool you.


The President of the Land of Hot Boys is usually elected from New Suave City. And, the contenders are…


Shemar Moore
Morris Chestnut
George Clooney
Boris Kodjoe
Matt Damon
Ronnie DeVoe
Patrick Dempsey
Danny Fortson
Hugh Jackman
The Rock
Tyson Beckford



About presidential elections in the Land of Hot Boys…


You have to understand that the purpose of being President in the Land of Hot Boys is to take care of me (or my TEMPORARY alien guests- that’s right, you chicks’ visas only last for a limited time only!).


Sense I don’t want to take care of me (and by that I mean, do whatever I need to be done according to my each and every whim), only a person other than myself can be President. And, sense the only other citizens in the Land of Hot Boys are hot boys (you chicks are only visiting- remember that!), then only a hot boy would be qualified to be president. Other qualifications include…



Well, that’s pretty much the only qualification actually.



Also, in the Land of Hot Boys only women are allowed to vote (the hot boys haven’t had their suffragist movement yet). And bribes to sway the vote are obviously legal.




It’s better than any form of government ever created by man.




Sigh.





So, anyways, I hope all of you have enjoyed your visit to the Land of Hot Boys. And, as you ladies leave the Land of Hot Boys (that’s right, get the hell out! This is my town!!), we/I sincerely hope you have enjoyed your visit.




Now, have fun in the real world.




As for me, I’m going to be here until March Madness is over.


© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.