Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Moment of Silence

Orlando Bloom: “So, Reese, I hope you’re okay with me getting married?”

Reese: [silence]

Orlando: “I know you said that the day I marry someone who is not you is the day you die, but I love Kate and I can’t not marry her.”

Reese: [silence]

Orlando: “Reese? Reese?”

Reese: [silence]

Orlando: “Reese, are you okay?!?! Please, don’t have a heart attack, Reese! Please, don’t die!!!”

Reese: [sighing]

Orlando: “Oh, you’re still alive!!!! Oh, thank god!!”

Reese: “You know, Orlando, I’m okay with this.”

Orlando: “With what? Me being in your presence standing next to you in all my awesome, gorgeous glory?”

Reese: “No, I mean you and Kate getting married. I’m okay with it.”

Orlando: “Oh. My. God. Reese is DEAD!!!! SHE’S BEEN REPLACED BY AN ALIEN!!!!”

Reese: “I am not an alien, Orlando!!! I’m just okay with it.”

Orlando: [silence]

Reese: “You’re looking at me funny.”

Orlando: “Are you about to kill me?”

Reese: “No!”

Orlando: “You’re not going to stab me in the back when I turn around?”

Reese: “No! Look, Kate is still a be-otch for stealing you away for me, but, eh…I think I’m over it. Good luck to you two.”


Reese: “Hmmm??? That does sound like something I would do…”

Orlando: “What gives!?!?!?!”

Reese: “Eh, I don’t know? Just not that broken up about it.”

Orlando: “It’s him, isn’t it?”


Orlando: “Where is the b@stard who stole my psycho stalker?!?! I’ll kill him!!!”

Reese: “Orlando, please, get a hold of yourself!!”

Orlando: “No, you get a hold of yourself!!! You’re the one who isn’t acting normal!!!”

Reese: “Look, the thing is, I think I’ve outgrown you.”

Orlando: “Outgrown me? In a month’s time?!?! You just wrote about me 3 weeks ago!!!!”

Reese: “Yes, but that was me just holding onto past obsessions. I like lot’s of boys now.”

Orlando: “Like who?!?!”

Reese: “Well, there’s him. And Aaron McGruder because he gave me The Boondocks in cartoon form, and Kanye West ever since he declared that George Bush hates Black people…”

Orlando: “You mean, I’ve been replaced?!?!”

Reese: “Oh…yeah….sorry, man. But, hey, you’re going to get married!!! Happy Engagement Day, man!!!”

Orlando: “Yea…I guess so…”

Reese: “Orlando, are you okay?”

Orlando [crying]: “I’m going to miss your stalker tendencies, Reese!!! I love you, you know?!?!!”

Reese: “Yea, I know. But, there’s Kate…”

Orlando: “Screw, Kate!!! I want you, back!!!”

Reese: “Oh, I’m sorry Orlando. But, I’ve moved on. Hey, you’ll be okay. You’re still hot, right?”

Orlando: “Yea, I am hot.”

Reese: “See, there’s always a silver lining.”

Orlando: “Yea, I guess…”

Reese [in condescending, baby speak]: “Noowww, what do you say we got get some ice cream and turn that frown upside dooowwwnnnn?”

Orlando [resumes crying like a little girl]: “NOOOOO, I can’t do it!!!! I can never see you again!!!!”

Reese: “Orlando?!?”

Orlando [still crying]: “It hurts!!!! It just hurts so much!!!!!!!”

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I got this from my friend, uhh..."Eliza." I think that's her fake name on this blog.

Okay, so enjoy. I don't know if this really happened, but I thought it was funny. :D

Also, I promise that the Idiot of the Year is coming before December 31st.

I promise!

And no, it's not Jennifer Aniston!

Here's a prime example of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.”

“Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.


(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly from her and her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"








Go drink some tea - whore.


A+. I really liked this one.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Witch! Witch!

Reese: "CC, go get in the stockade."

CC: "Are you crazy, fool? No!"

Reese: "How else am I supposed to see what criminals were treated like if you don't get in the stockade?"

CC: "How about you get in the stockade, genius?"

Reese: "Oh, please! Look at that little tiny hole. There's no way I'll be able to fit my big head in there."

CC: "Well, it is true- you do have a big head."

Reese: "That's what I'm sayin'! The thing probably wouldn't even clamp down right. So, go get in the stockade."

CC: "Nah, man. No way."


CC: "Awww, man, why I always gotta be listening to you?"

Reese: "I'll pay you. C'mon?!?!"

CC [getting in the stockade]: "Well, if it's for money."

Reese: "Excellent!!"

CC: "Hey, what are you doing?!?!"

Reese: "Taking a picture."


Reese: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is going to be a great post on my blog."


Random People: "Oh, my god! Someone help that girl."

Reese: "Don't pay any attention to her- she's just a heathen, witch. Stockade punishment for witches and all."

Random People: "Oh, of course. Shame on you witch!"

CC: "I'm going to get you good, Reese!!!! You'll pay for this!!!!! With your money!!!!"

Reese: "HAHAHAHAHA!!! It's sooo worth it."

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Reese the Law Girl's Songs of 2005

With the Grammy's announcing their nominees for various awards that you care nothing about, I thought it was time to announce my Song of the Year (also something that you care nothing about).

As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for the Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get it Started" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.

This is the song that had Reese attempting old "Fly Girl" moves (like I could ever be J.Lo.).

This is the song that was superior to all other songs.

This is the Song of the Year.

Here it is.

The Song of the Year.

And that song is...

First, I just want to say that if you don't like my Song of the Year (*cough*Leslye*cough*) then tough pixie sticks!!! It's my Song of the Year. Get your own song on your own blog!!!

And, now the Song of the Year....

A drumroll would be good right now...

The Song of the Year is (yes, I know you hate me)...

1 Thing by Amerie

Watch Videos:


Yea, for Amerie. Gotta love her.

Taking over Gwen Stefani's "Love. Angel. Music. Baby." as CD of the Year this year is "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't care if she was an American Idol. That CD is full of angry chick music and it's good! If you're an angry chick, you'll love it. And I am a somewhat angry chick, so it's my CD of the Year.

So, below are the runner-ups for Song of the Year. In an effort to be "hip" with the children, I consulted my teen cousins about what songs I should add to the list this year. After they laughed at my initial list, they told me which songs I should add. So, I gave in and placed a couple of their songs on the list. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out which ones those are. The important thing to remember is that Reese is still cool.

I'm still with it.


Here's the Rest of the Best!


"Daughters" John Mayer

"Dontcha" Pussycat Dolls

"Don't Lie" Black Eyed Peas

"Feel Good Inc." Gorillaz

"Free Yourself" Fantasia

"Girlfight" Brooke Valentine

"Go" Common

"Gotta Go Gotta Leave" Vivian Green

"Gotta Make It" Trey Songz f/t Twista

"Helena" My Chemical Romance

"Hollaback Girl" Gwen Stefani

"Let Me Go" 3 Doors Down

"Like You" Bow Wow f/t Ciara

"Lonely No More" Rob Thomas

"Lose Control" Missy f/t Ciara and Fat Man Scoop

"Pon De Replay" Rihanna

"Mezmerized" Faith Evans

"Run it!" Chris Brown

"Since U Been Gone" Kelly Clarkson

"Shake" The Ying-Yang Twins f/t Pitt Bull

"Stickwitu" Pussycat Dolls

"Touch" Omarion

"We Belong Together" Mariah Carey

"When September Ends" Green Day

"Your Body" Pretty Ricky

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Stylin' & Profilin'


Okay, while I'm obessesed with college b-ball, I don't really follow the NBA that much until the playoffs, so will someone give Reese the name of this hot boy please?


Reese likey the new NBA Dress Code.

PS: This in no way means that Deshaun should use his XBox money to buy clothes to impress the ladies. Obviously, he would still be missing the other $5,000,000 that truly impresses the ladies. ;)