Monday, May 09, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Uno

Last month I went out with a fellow sucia of mine. We stayed out until 4:00 am in the morning. It was probably one of the most interesting nights I’ve had in a long time. Here’s the breakdown…

***[DISCLAIMER: The following post contains offensive language! It also makes light of a very serious topic and prestigious man. This post is written in the spirit of humor. Please do not think that I take these topics lightly or hang out with people who communicate via bad language on a regular basis!!]***

7:30 pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Jo: “Oh, my god! I love Harry Belafonte. It’s so cool that we get to see him speak!!”

Reese: “I know! I wonder if he’ll talk about Carmen Jones and Dorothy Dandridge?”

Jo: “I think he’s supposed to talk about his fight against social injustice.”

Reese: “That’s nice, but all I care about is Carmen Jones and Dorothy Dandridge. I hope I get to ask him a question about it.”

Jo: “We’ll see. Oh, he’s starting…”

Harry Belafonte: “I was born to a Jamaican mother and my father was a seaman…”

Reese [inside her elementary school brain]: “’Seaman?’ Hehehehehe, he said ‘seaman’.”

7:45pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…and we thought we would come back from the war and be appreciated. That we had fought for freedom for all people! Even in the United States. But, we were still just second-class citizens!”

Audience: “Uh-huh! Typical!”

Other Audience Member: “I hate white people!”

8:00pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…and I said, I fought for this country! I’m taking advantage of the G.I. Bill. And, I went to acting school. In my class was Sydney Portier, Marlon Brando, Bea Arthur, and…”

Reese: “Oh! Please say Dorothy Dandridge! Please say Dorothy Dandridge!”

Harry Belafonte: “…Tony Curtis!”

Reese: “Dang!”

Audience: “Wow!”

Other Audience Member: “I hate white people!”

8:15pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…I never thought I could be an actor. A black actor? You have to understand that all I knew of Black actors before were just parts as maids, bartenders, or amusing tap dancers. It was an INJUSTICE! But, a reality…”

Jo: “He sure has a lot to say.”

Reese: “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll get to Dorothy Dandridge soon enough.”

8:30pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…AND THE BLACK MAN…”

Reese: “Oh, geez…”

8:45pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College


Audience: “YEA!”

Jo: “It’s getting kind of late. Do you think we should go since we have other stuff to do?”

Reese: “Let’s just give it 15 more minutes. I’m sure Dorothy Dandridge is coming up…”

Other Audience Member: “YEA! I hate white people too!”

9:00pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.!! MALCOM X!!…”

Audience: “YES!!! YES!!!”

Harry Belafonte: “…MARCUS GARVEY!! ROSA PARKS!!...”


Reese: “Sigh. Okay, let’s go…”

9:20pm: Emerald

Jo: “So, we’ll meet my co-worker. He promotes Happy Hour here. And, he does some promotions for other clubs.”

Reese: “Cool.”

Girl at Door: “Oh, you guys are on DJ’s list. Go ahead in.”

Reese [to Jo]: “Very cool.”

So, Jo and I walk into Emerald. And there’s DJ, just waiting to greet us with open arms…


Reese: “Oh…My…God…”

Jo: “Reese, this is DJ.”

DJ: “What’s up Be-otch!?!”

Reese: “Dude! I’m going to ignore that you called me that, because…I can’t quite comprehend…”

DJ: “WAZZZ UP?!?!?”

Reese: “DUDE!! You look just like freaking Kobe Bryant!!!!”

DJ: “Yo, man! I DO NOT look like Kobe Bryant. I AM NOT A RAPIST!!”

Reese: “Yea, man, you look like Kobe Bryant.”

DJ: “Man, I don’t TAKE [insert foul word for a woman’s private area]. WOMEN GIVE IT TO ME!!”

Reese: “I’m sure…”

DJ [reaching to put his arm around Jo and Reese]: “So, what you bitches drinking?”

Reese [taking defensive, Tekken 5 stance]: “Yo, back up! Don’t be making no sudden moves like that, Kobe!”

DJ: “DAG, GIRL! I told you I ain’t Kobe Bryant. I ain’t gonna rape you!!”

Reese: “Yea, just remember. I’ve got my eye on you. I ain’t no stupid girl in Colorado.”

DJ: “Whatever…”

9:50pm: Emerald

Reese: “So, what’s up with you and DJ?”

Jo: “Oh, girl, he likes me. But, he’s way too young. Only 24. And, he acts young too. Plus…”

Reese: “He looks like Kobe Bryant?”

Jo: “No! He’s way to skinny for me. I like ‘em with some meat on their bones, you know?”

Reese: “Yea, he is skinny. Skinny just like Kobe Bryant…”

Jo: “Reese, he does not look like Kobe Bryant…”

Reese: “Uh-huh, look don’t go into any secluded rooms with him. He may go nuts and rape you! Don’t worry girl. I got your back!”

Jo: “Oh, god…”

10:00pm: Emerald

DJ: “Hey, yo, shorties!! Chris, James, and I are about to head out to Sebastion's. You coming with or what?”

Jo: “Yea, that sounds cool.”

DJ: “Alright, you two follow us then.”

10:05pm: Walking to our Cars

DJ: “Yo, yo, Jo. See that hotel right there?”

Jo: “Yea.”

DJ: “That’s where I stay when I get so wasted here that I can’t drive myself back home.”

Jo: “Wow. Impressive…”

DJ: “Yea, I know.”




DJ: “DUDE! I WAS LIKE- DANG GIRL YOU A HO! BUT, I’LL STILL [insert foul word for sex] YOU!”



Yea, so at this point, I’m thinking, “Reese, what the heck are you doing? These boys are stupid.” But, then I thought, “Well, at least I don’t have to pay to get into Sebastion's.”

Coming Up Next…

Sebastion's, Fantasy, Debauchery, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Harry Belafonte was GREAT in the movie "The world, The Flesh and The Devil".

"Giiiirl, you wuz out wit some straight up PLAAAAYAAAS!"

Kobe's are jerks!

I hate white ho's and be-otchs!

2:52 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL! White ho's and be-otchs? Do you mean you hate white ho's and white be-otchs or just white ho's and be-otchs in general?

LOL! ;)

2:58 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Hey, are you getting ideas from my life??

I am going to have to start putting copyrights on my blog ha?


3:28 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

damb Reese those PLAAAAYAAAS as JOAT called them seem like real winners you need to hook me up (LOL). Your life is too entertaining.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

i love how even though you have a disclaimer, you still edit your text for foul language!! that makes it even funnier!

3:44 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I don't like Ho's or bitch's.

As in whores and really mean, hurtful, psycho women!

White or otherwise!

Unless you meant female dogs that are in heat, in which case I have no problem with them unless they try to hump my leg.

And if you're talking about gardening equipment, DON'T EEEEEEEEVEN GET ME STARTED ON HO'S!! That damn "Garden weasel" can kiss my ass too!!

5:45 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Dez: I don't know Dez. I don't think you hang out with guys like this. ;)

Lez: Yea, I put the disclaimer up, but couldn't bring myself to actually write the bad words. Curses to my strict Christian upbringing!

Tannia: I think you might want to rethink that. Although, now that I think about it, those were probably the only straight men I've seen in months!

J: LOL! The Garden Weasel is a skank! I hate that ho! ;)

8:30 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

Goodness girl. Those are type of guys you tote mace around for. And the I hate White People in the audience *laughs harder* great. Kobe Lookalike sounded a bit like a playaaa without any game. Kinda like Kobe I guess. Or maybe he's back in basketball again. I didn't keep track b/c sports don't interest me. Anyhow hilarious post girl.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Patrick Jason said...

Reese, you are too funny to be working in law. Or are all lawyers this funny off the clock?

10:05 PM  
Blogger gloria said...

I agree with Patrick. Girl, you are way too funny! LOL :-)

11:47 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

This is, hands down, the funniest thing I've read sice your Cops! expose. I just want you to know that you've ruined television for me. Now I only chuckle, at best, with my favorite comedies - I keep asking myself "when's that Reese going to post again?"

I've got to agree with a few other comments. That disclaimer was hysterical, given the PG story beneath. And, seriously, are lawyers generally capable of such humor?

1:29 AM  
Blogger Jomama said...

It's a good thing no one's in my cube at work yet, because I just laughed out loud at the "tekken 5 stance." Guys like that are the reason I stay home on the weekend. And also why I married a dork.

5:35 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hehehe, thanx guys! :) Every comment increases the self-esteem meter. ;)

You know, a lot of people don't know that most lawyers are quite funny? The law is so boring, that you often have to jazz it up a bit to get some enjoyment out of it. Eventually, you end up jazzing everything up and your life becomes a sit-com.

Lawyers really are some of the funniest people around. Especially when they're drunk. Oh, the stories I could tell...


8:38 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL...ay reese you are too funny.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Kaci said...

Do tell...

10:45 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

There are some things that Reese has sworn never to speak of. What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. And I mean that literally.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Hey Reese, has a name been chosen yet for the thing?

Did that make ANY sense?

12:38 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Kaci: One day, I may tell... ;)

J: No, not yet. I have been inundated with work, so I haven't gotten a chance to finish it up yet. I'll be sending something out to you guys hopefully tomorrow. :)

2:33 PM  
Blogger Shelley Halima said...

Reese you need to get a stand up gig and take it on the road. You are too damn funny. My co-workers are looking at me like i'm crazy wondering what the hell I'm laughing at.

3:07 PM  

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