Saturday, May 07, 2005

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

You know the old saying, “all the good men are married, gay, or dead?” Okay, well, I added the “dead” part, but I’m starting to think this is true. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that 99% of all single men are gay. At least they are in my city (and no, I don’t live in San Francisco, Atlanta, or NYC).

I went into the city last weekend and every dude was gay! Everywhere I went, I saw gay men. No straight ones, just gay ones. At the grocery store- all gay men. At my job- all gay men. On the metro- only gay men. On the street- gay men. At the club- gay men. I tell you the world has been invaded by gay men! I mean, I don’t care if someone is gay. I would just like a guy for myself, but guys aren’t into me because they’re all gay. And, no, there’s nothing wrong with me, the guys where I live just prefer the company of other men. These are the guys that I always meet:


1. The Undercover Brother

This is the most sinister dude. He always has me fooled in the beginning, but he can’t keep up his act forever. He usually always does something to cue up my gaydar. And, in the process, dashes my hopes of living happily ever after in Las Vegas.

Take Dr. CMED, for example. In the beginning, he was so undercover. At first, I was ambiguous to his flirting (as I am ambiguous to any guy flirting- except for dudes I’m totally NOT interested in- I always know when they’re flirting and I proceed to cringe with horror at the immediate realization). But, he kept flirting. And, his flirting totally had me fooled, until he slipped up and dropped his “poor little thing” bomb on me. And then, it was all over. That’s when I knew that Dr. CMED would find his happiness with a male version of me, instead of ME!! That’s so freakin’ messed up…for me!

Anyway, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Dr. CMED doesn’t even try to hide it anymore…


Dr. CMED: “So, how is everything?”

Reese: “Oh, it’s fine. The job is still providing money, so that’s good. And…”

Dr. CMED: “Hold on a sec- KERI-ANNA! Did you even MAKE my dermatologist appointment yet? I swear, that girl…”



So, now that Dr. CMED is no longer an undercover brother, he’s become the next guy that I meet a lot.


2. The Clearly Gay Dude

From the moment these guys say, “hello,” I know that there’s no future here. And, unlike the undercover brother, these guys don’t hide their sexual preference- which is, of course, a good thing.

These guys tend to make great shopping buddies and cohorts in making American Idol/Pope Conclave comparison jokes (no disrespect to anyone who’s Catholic, but really the whole announcement of the new Pope was just itching for American Idol jokes and analogies)…


Clearly Gay Dude (CGD): “Pope Benedict XVI is to the conclave as…”

Reese: “Kelly Clarkson is to American Idol!”

CGD & Reese: “Hahahahahaha!”

CGD: “Here’s another one. Claudio Hummes is to the conclave as…”

Reese: “Clay Aiken is to American Idol! You know, because Clay lost.”

CGD: “Bingo!”

CGD & Reese: “Hahahahahaha!”

Reese: “No disrespect to Catholics though.”

CGD: “Oh, totally. I mean, I’m Catholic.”

[silence]

CGD & Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”



Seriously, though, we weren’t trying to disrespect Catholics. It was actually interesting to see the whole Pope picking process as I’ve never seen it before. My whole office was in the break room waiting to see who was chosen. It was a very interesting moment. Uhh…anyways…


3. The Metrosexual

I’m sorry to break this to you ladies, but metrosexuals are homosexuals. They’re just in their pre-gay phase. It’s about to happen, they just haven’t realized it yet. To fill the need to be gay (even though they’re not conscious of what that need is) they dress impeccably, use hair “products,” and have skin as smooth as a baby's bottom. I know it hurts to accept this, but the sooner you do, the better off you’ll be- trust me.

If your guy doesn’t wear dirty jeans, have a horribly furnished and dirty apartment, and can’t tell that green and red don’t match, then he’s gay. He’s just working it out right now. That or he’s a switch hitter. Either way, he really, really, really, likes dudes.

In the spirit of busting bubbles, I have declared the following men gay:


Usher…


P. Diddy…


Ryan Seacrest…


all gay.


Brad Pitt has been known not to wash or shave, so we know he’s not gay. And, Orlando is just a little too scrubby in real life to be gay. Also, he’s British so none of his mannerisms can be considered gay. They’re just British…


ORLANDO IS NOT GAY!!


If Orlando was gay, I would be dead because I would’ve killed myself before I lived in a world where Orlando Bloom was gay.


So, anyways, as you can see, it is a proven scientific fact, that the Undercover Brother, Clearly Gay Dude, and Metrosexual pretty much represent 99% of all single men left on the planet. Which means that all available men are only available to other men. If you’re a woman, and you want a date, you’ll have to get a sex change operation first. I hear Ru Paul’s plastic surgeon is running a sale on sex change op’s. If you need the number, I’ll e-mail it to you.


Isn’t it sad to know that where all the good men have gone, is gay?


Except for Orlando, because, as I PROVED before, he is not gay…


Seriously.



Okay, for real, you can stop whispering because Orlando is not gay…



ORLANDO’S NOT GAY!!!



I hate you people…



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

26 Comments:

Blogger Kaci said...

Well, the elven costume didn't help Orlie (as some call him) but I just think its because he is so pretty. I agree with ll the guys you have down as eventually going to come out. Especially Seacrest. Boys just shouldn't wear zippered pullovers....Hilarious post. Especially the 'I'm catholic!' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA LMAO

12:51 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Kaci: Hehehe, zippered pullovers. Yea, Ryan just needs someone to open the closet door for him. ;)

Lisa and I were obsessing over Orlando (for the millionth time) and we were saying how awful it would be if Orlando was gay. And, then, someone at my job said they thought Orlando was gay and I almost went into convulsions! That's just not right.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL...Reese this post was not only true but totally funny and you had me in tears from how hard was laughing.

Man so i guess you and me should start hanging out together because it seems that they are no good men in Denver either.

No Orlando is not gay he can't be. Neither is the Rock or Daddy Yankee.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Karla:

I know! It's so freakin' frustrating. I swear I'm going back to Las Vegas. I think that's where all the straight horney guys are. ;p~~

The Rock and Daddy Yankee are not gay. What kind of world would it be if they were? ;p~~

1:43 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

I don't know. He wouldn't be called the 'Rock' if he were gay. More like the 'Rainbow' or the 'Pebbles'. Orlie was an obsession of me and my best friend for the longest time after the whole Legolas thing. Wasn't too impressed with him in Troy though. That may have been the role that sealed the gay rumor fate on him. He played such a insipid little worm.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Kaci, we never speak of Orlando in Troy ever on this blog. EVER! Except for Orlando in Troy during the first 15 minutes. When he was naked and hot. ;)

3:21 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

According to your criteria, Orlando who is NEITHER dead or married, must be gay.

I seriously DON'T understand how there can be SO many single lonely people out there!

All of my single buddies complain about not meeting women and you guys complain about not meeting men. Where the hell are you guys looking for each other?

THAT'S IT, I WIN POWERBALL I'M THROWING A HUGE PARTY AND INVITING ALL OF THE SINGLE PEOPLE I KNOW!!
I'M SICK OF YOUR WHININ'!:)

3:32 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Kaci: Hahahahahahaha..."Pebbles" "Rainbow"...hahaha that was funny. Can you just see it some one calling him "Pebbles"?

3:32 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

This was riotously funny. I have no opinion about Orlando, without the blonde hair he does nothing for me. Metrosexuals being in their "pre-gay" stage had me on the floor. But do you really want the unwashed, unshaven, un-color coordinated non-mero? What are the options I ask you?

3:59 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Too funny Reese, too funny...I mean, gosh, its so true, I meet guys that like Rod-freakin-Stewart, and I never said this, but I did question my latin hot guys sexuality (you know, the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship - psh!) - he was always so well dressed (shaking my head), but sooo damn hot.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J: If only I was in Denver, then I could come to your party. ;p

Lez: Orlando is still hot without the blonde hair. Well, to me anyways. I have a thing for guys with curly hair. ;)

Anyways, yea, I know. The gay guys get the dudes who look good. And us poor girls get the slobs. Maybe we should just give up before trying?

4:13 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

metrosexuals in pre-gay stage, NOOOOOOO! Even before metrosexuality (if that's a term) was trendy,I always preferred a guy that took care of his skin, hygiene, and dressed well. Ay no, Reese please don't squash my dream man. Why the hell is it so hard to find a good man.

5:19 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

I might suggest a drive through middle America. I'm sure that there are a ton of toothless stockboys and ticket punchers who are real sweethearts. "You looks puuuurdy".

5:29 PM  
Blogger FruitFly said...

From working where I do, I can tell you something that will only make this worse: There's another group out there that you missed. That would be the guys working the gay angle on the "down low". Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many men with girlfriends and wives are getting some extra (inches) on the side, or at least coming in stores like mine and buying Allboy or Honcho magazines.

It's depressing sometimes. I don't let my boyfriend hang around the store too much either.

2:33 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

LOL. What the hell is Honcho? Strike that - I'm pretty sure I don't care to know.

5:53 AM  
Blogger Jomama said...

lmao. Your post and comments had me rollin. I don't know about all metros, but I remember one cute guy from high school that was perfectly normal one year (dressed nice, kept his hair neat, etc.) and the next year he had dyed his hair pink and completely changed the way he talked and dressed. Never saw it coming. It was a very WTF moment.

Oh yeah, I always thought Orlando Bloom was Australian. I just looked it up and he is indeed British. Weird. I wonder where I got that from. And I agree he's not gay regardless where he's from. He's too effing sexy.

6:23 AM  
Blogger quincee said...

reese you are too much. The metrosexual comments had me rolling (mostly because I have a thing for a metro who IS NOT gay! He can't be gay, he's just too cute--at least that's what I keep telling myself). I know where you're coming from though, all the men I know are married or gay or married and gay. It's just pitiful.

As for Orlando, I'm with lez, he doesn't move me so I haven't given much thought to his sexuality, but to each her own--lol.

Great post!

8:04 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Whew! I'm gone for one weekend and you all have a whole conversation about this post without me! ;p

Thanx for all the positive feedback, though. :)

3:29 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Wow. Ok
1. Orlando is not nor will he ever be gay.
2. Forget Troy go see Kingdom of Heavon.
3. Ladies I meet straight nice men all the time. Most of them are defendants but a few aren't. You just have to be proactive. Look at how I met Mike.
4. Reese is wrong the metro sexual is NOT a closet gay. Why would you kill the dream Reese! WHY!!????

4:19 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

This has to be a record for the most comments on one post. And the funniest! Well, We've concluded that Orlando is not gay (Troy is striken from his movies as his one mulligan) The Rock is either not gay or not aptly named, and that Orlando Bloom is British. His accent is not too discering for England though. And that KOM will be on the net within a few minutes of his last post looking up Honcho because his curiosity will not be abated.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Shelley Halima said...

Thanks for giving me the laugh of the day Reese. Metrosexuals are pre-gay. That one had me practically on the floor.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Peeved Michelle said...

I loved Orlando in his elf attire. I haven't seen a look on him yet that I don't like. Also, The Rock is not gay. He is married and lives in Hawaii with his wife and daughter, eating doughnuts. I didn't realize Atlanta was full of gay men. I would have guessed that it was the opposite since it is in the South.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Shelley Halima said...

Peeved Michelle, I was in Atlanta in 2001 for a few months and though I'd heard some things about the gay guys in Atlanta, I got an eye-opener seeing it up close. I had a male cousin who was gay that I hung out with and he would point out to which guys he knew messed around with men. It went like this: "He do, he do. He don't. He do. He do. He do, he do and his brother too. He don't." And some of the 'he do' guys tried to talk to me!

2:06 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Peeved Michelle: Orlando is always hot. The bad things I think when I see him is just not right. Also, every dude in Atlanta is gay. I mean it.

Shelley: LOL! "He do. He do. He do." That's hilarious! ;)

2:21 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

*sigh* I hear you Reese! Where are the decent straight men! Oh I know - they're all midgets and usually come up to my neck. haaaaaaaaaaaaa

7:12 AM  
Blogger CubanDiva said...

Reese,
Orlando is Metrosexual so according to your post, he is pre-gay. Get prepared. LMAO!!

5:32 PM  

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