Monday, January 24, 2005

Check it Out- Edition 1

So, I've come up with a new thing I'll do from time to time. Whenever I see something cool and interesting on the web, I'll link to the site and talk about it here, in my new series, Check it Out.

Edition 1 of Check it Out is the website of my good buddie of 40 years, Leslye. Her site, Phatalspin, is a vlog.

"A vlog?" you say. Yes, a vlog. I didn't know these existed either.

Anyways, a vlog is a video blog. All of Leslye's entries are videos. And, they're really cool. I particularly enjoyed "How to Tell a Pirate Joke" and the video tribute to Leslye's dad. Also, "People are Gonna Wanna Look at That?" is cool too. This entry follows Leslye's brother to a real life Hollywood audition! (by the way, don't get any ideas ladies- Paul has already promised me that he'll become best friends with Orlando Bloom and deliver said Orlando Bloom to my doorstep ;p).

Anyways, the link to Phatalspin is to the right. Under the "Links" section for those under the tutelage of Kobe Bryant. So, Check it Out.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 29 to Day 35

Those 3 Damning Words.


Hello, again freaks and geeks to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our couple, they were busy fornicating up a storm and pondering their coupledom. As you may remember, Mike knew he was in a relationship, while Lisa was learning to accept that she was tied down to, yet another, boyfriend.

“Wait! What do you mean ‘another boyfriend’” you say? Sorry, but you’ll have to wait for the next installment to learn more about that juicy bit of history.

Anyways, back to our delightfully sinning couple.

So, Mike and Lisa have been really busy since we last read about them. Busy SINNING!! I mean, they are really into breaking God’s commandments. Besides that, they also like to talk about some junk and spend time with each other.

Time spent SINNING!! Whooo-hoo!

Anyways, so, one day, right around Day 30 of this ticking time-bomb, a strange thing happens. You see, Mike was over at Lisa’s house (you know, chilling with his girlfriend in preparation for a night of sinning) when Mike dared to utter those 3 damning words. You know which words I’m talking about. Yes, those words! Words so utterly horrible, that they can only be spoken in a badly written dialogue sequence.

Lisa [taking out the trash]: “Oh, yea, you said you had something to tell me Mike…”

Mike [watching Lisa take out the trash and standing by the door shyly like a poor little schoolboy asking his crush out on their first date]: “Oh, yea…well, I’ve been thinking a lot about us…”

Lisa [not really paying attention]: “Uh-huh...”

Mike: “Yea, so, you know we’ve been getting along pretty well together. You know, just like the fortune cookie said? And, I mean the sinning has been really great too and all. So, like I just thought you should know that how I feel is…really…you know…I mean you should know that I like, love you…and some stuff.”

Lisa [who has just dropped her trash bag on the ground]: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Mike: “Look, I mean, I know that this may not be forever or anything. You know, like don’t freak out or anything. But, it’s like, I love you…and some stuff.”

Lisa: “Oh…that’s nice.”

Lisa then proceeded to actually put the trash in the can, walk into her house, and pretend like those 3 damning words were never spoken.

But, they were spoken. And, they could not be taken back. And, Lisa knew this. Desperate to figure out what to do, Lisa proceeded to ask 2 reliable sources what she should do in regards to this situation- Her fellow co-workers and me (yes, I’m actually an excellent reliable source; you’ll see!).

So, Lisa asked her co-workers about Mike’s damning words. Lisa thought after just a month of dating, that it was too soon for Mike to be feeling the feelings that he was feeling. But, Lisa’s co-worker’s disagreed.

They felt that there was no time restriction on when a person can fall in “love.” That Mike was perfectly justified in falling in “love” with Lisa after just 30 days. They also felt that Lisa should honestly search her feelings and see if she felt the same way. If she did, she should tell Mike.

I know, I know. Lisa’s co-workers are as stupid as Kobe Bryant. Lucky for Lisa, she had me to set her on the right path.

Lisa: “I think it’s way too early, but maybe not. When, I think about it, maybe I might feel the same way about him.”

Reese: “Girl, please. Those people are crazy! Listen to all that junk they keep talking about- “love” and “feelings.” Please! What you need to be on the watch for is if he’s a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “Ummm, I don’t think he’s a psycho stalker…”

Reese: “Lisa, you are in the situation, so you know nothing. I’m not in the situation, so I know everything. Trust me on this. It’s a proven fact that if someone falls in love with you in the 1st month, then they’re probably a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “Really?”

Reese: “Yea, girl. You better go put bullets in that gun the cops give you ADA’s.”

Lisa: “Wow! I didn’t even think about that. But, Reese, what if he’s not a psycho stalker...”

Reese: “He’s a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “But, what if he’s not?”

Reese: “If he’s not, then he’s still a danger to you. He’s gonna want to marry you in like 3 months.”

Lisa: “NOOOO!!!!”

Reese: “Yea, girl.”

Lisa: “What should I do?”

Reese: “Okay, keep pretending like it didn’t happen. Then, if he says something, just be like, “Look, I don’t know if you’re a psycho stalker or not, but there’s 2 things you should know: 1) I have bullets in my gun; and 2) I ain’t getting married.” That should take care of any kind of “love” discussion.”

Lisa: “Oh, yea, I like that. Thanks for setting me straight, Reese. And to think, I might’ve actually told Mike that I “love” him.

Reese [laughing]: “I know, girl.”

Lisa [laughing]: “That would’ve been stupid.”

So, Lisa went on to take my most excellent advice and kept pretending like nothing happened. When Mike pressed her about her feelings, she just told him about bullets and marriage and that took care of any further discussion about “love.”


What?!?! Okay, okay, fine! I’ll tell the truth!! Geez Louise, people. I can’t believe you want the truth and not humorous poetic license. Fine!


Soooo, Lisa didn’t take my advice exactly as I stated it. But, it was pretty close.

Day 33

Mike: “Lisa, I love you. You understand that, right?”

Lisa [flinching]: “Uh-huh…”

Day 34

Mike: “I love you, Lisa.”

Lisa [cringing]: “Okay…”

Day 35

Mike: “I just love you so much.”

Lisa [completely recoiling]: “OH MY GOD!! YOU HAVE TO STOP!!”

Mike: “What, I don’t understand?”

Lisa: “Okay, look, I just think it’s impossibly early for you have to these feelings that you’re feeling. And since I don’t have these feelings, and I can’t stand to hear you say these feelings, I forbid you to ever say those 3 damning words ever again!”

Mike: “What!?! You mean like, forever?”

Lisa: “Well, at least until a much more respectable time period has elapsed and I feel the same way.”

Mike: “Let me get this straight. You want me to actually stop telling you that “I Love You?”

Lisa: “Right.”

Mike: “Until much later on in our relationship when you feel the same way?”

Lisa: “Yes.”

Mike: “Ooookay….”

Lisa [breathing a sigh of relief]: “Whew! I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding about this.”

Mike: “Uh-huh….you’re a weirdo, you know that?”

Lisa: “Whatever.”

So, Mike and Lisa were able to come to an understanding about those 3 damning words. Mike would simply never say them again.

Sigh! I just love a happy ending.

In our next edition our couple starts to dig into their past history. And, it gets good! Stay tuned for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90. Check Your Baggage at the Door.





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Why Girls are Really Boys, and Boys are Really Girls

Newsflash: Girls are really boys and boys are really girls.

Okay, not in the physical sense mind you, but in the other sense. The sense that’s not physical.

You see, it has come to my attention that all of the gender roles and expectations that we attribute to boys should really be attributed to girls. Our more open and free society is really a grand experiment which has proven that women are truly the more dominant of the sexes. It’s true. And, I’ll prove it.

WARNING: The following article is full of offensive, sexist, just blatantly wrong, and, I must admit, crazy, thoughts and ideas. Do not read if you don’t plan on agreeing with me. Or if you don’t plan on disagreeing with me, but not saying anything about it.

Women are More Intelligent than Men

This is the most obvious truth of my theory. Women, since the dawn of time, have been smarter than men. First of all, women realized, long ago, that they need not fight to hold official power in order to have it. All they had to do was promise sex and babies and then men would just do whatever women wanted.

Cleo: “I want to be queen.”

Caesar: “I don’t know…”

Cleo: “I promise you sex and babies.”

Caesar: “Well, all right now!”

See how easy that was? Cleo was thinking with her brain and Caesar was thinking with his “man-brain.”

Cleo got to be queen with none of the work. Okay, yea she had to sleep with Caesar and have a baby, but if she planned it right, she could have decreased her chances of getting preggers and Caesar wouldn’t have even known. All of the queenship with none of the work. That’s freakin’ brilliant!

History is full of examples of women simply outsmarting men. Before 1980, women were able to get men to house, feed, and clothe them without doing jack squat! How did they do it? Because women were able to convince men that having a pretty face, having brats, reminding some dude that she’s like his mother, etc. were actually things worth killing for. And, how were women able to get men to long for such stupid crap? Because, women were smarter and were able to convince guys to do what they wanted using their superior convincing powers.

Now, my theory is that women got sick of being lazy, right around 1972, and decided that they actually wanted to do some work. But, they knew that guys would be too stupid and stubborn to just let them into the workplace. So, what did women do?

Well, they took off their bras, burned them, and went jiggling around bra-less screaming words that they made up out of thin air like “sexist” and “misogynist.” Then, bra-less, they called guys “sexist” and “misogynist” and got the guys to change the laws. The result? Women now outnumber men in college enrollment; women have closed the wage gap significantly; and, in about 3 years and 10 months, will take the Presidency.

Bloody brilliant!

Women are More Ambitious than Men

So, yes, there have been many ambitious men. Alexander the Great, Napoleon, George Washington, and Justin Timberlake are all examples. But, all of their goals combined compare nothing to the most ambitious human being who walked the planet.

Yes, you know who she is.

Our very own mother.

Eve.

Yes, Eve, a WOMAN, was the most ambitious person ever. Her ambition is now encoded in the DNA of all women. Thus, women, by inheritance, are more ambitious than men.

I cannot stress enough the amount of ambition Eve contained in that perfect body of hers. Eve wanted to be God! GOD, PEOPLE! All of those men I listed above fought for some land and/or respect in the urban, hip-hop community. But, Eve. She wanted to be the CREATOR!

Eve only ate from the tree because “it who can’t be named” (I don’t think of it as a “him,” as much as I think of it as just evil) told her she’d be god if she ate from the tree. And, notice it went to her first and not to Adam. It knew that Adam was a man (i.e. Adam was not ambitious enough to go against God) so, it went for Eve. And, of course, Eve, wanting to be omnipotent, took the bait.

What’s even more interesting about this situation is that Eve was then able to use her superior intellect to get Adam to eat the apple as well (hey, a god has to have company too, right?).

Eve: “Eat this apple.”

Adam: “I don’t know…”

Eve: “I promise you sex and babies.”

Adam: “Well, all right now!”

But, you know what, though? Now that I think about it, I really shouldn’t be bragging about this incident.

Yea, that didn’t really work out that well for us humans. Sin, death, war, Justin Timberlake…

Oh, well. I never said ambition doesn’t cloud your judgment. Next, up…

Women are Stronger than Men

Natural childbirth.

‘Nough said.

Women are More Violent than Men

Men like to fight. They fight over land and women. Sometimes, they even kill each other. This type of violence is child’s play, though, to a woman.

Women are hardcore. Women fight the really awful way. Women start rumors.

So, some of you, mainly you men, are probably wondering why rumors are worse than physical violence. Well, it’s simply really. Physical wounds heal. And if they don’t heal, well, you won’t be around to feel the pain anymore. But, what women do can destroy your life. And you’ll have to live through it. For the rest of your life. And the only way to get away from the pain is to end your life. But, no one really wants to do that, so you just have live through it. For the rest of your life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Guys start rumors too. But, when guys start rumors no one really pays attention to them. Their rumors are like glass- you can see right through them. When a guy starts a rumor it’s usually so stupid and moronic that you know the rumor isn’t true and you know why he did it (usually because he’s jealous of the superior intellect of some girl). But, girls will start rumors, make people believe the rumors are true, and at the same time, conceal their motives for doing so. They are able to do this using those superior convincing powers I talked about earlier.

Now, let’s see if I can think of a good example of this…

I know! Take for instance this chick who’s trying to be the new Secretary of State for the U.S.

She was integral in starting that rumor about WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION being hidden in that country whose name escapes me right now.

Anyways, it turns out, that there were no WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. But, when she started that rumor, everyone totally believed her. And do you know what that rumor did?

Well, it started a war. It cost, not only lives, but tons of money. It divided a country. It made other countries hate that one country. That rumor has caused so much pain. Pain that will never truly heal. And we’ll have to live through this pain. For the rest of our lives. And the only way to get away from the pain is to end our lives. But, nobody really wants to do that, so we’ll just have live through this pain. For the rest of our lives!

And to this day, nobody even knows why this woman did what she did. In fact, when you ask her questions about it, she makes you feel bad. She says she would be willing to answer your questions, but that your questions "impugn [her] credibility,” and her “integrity." So, then she ends up not answering any of your questions.

Wow.

Destroying lives with the power of words. Now, that’s violence.


So, as you can see, it is women who truly possess the qualities we usually attribute to men. Women are smarter, stronger, more ambitious, and even more violent. It’s easy to realize (especially if you’re a woman- it doesn’t take as long for you to figure these things out).

Girls are really boys, and boys are really girls.





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

A Piece for My Grandmother

Some of you may be wondering why I haven’t updated my site recently. Well, unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with the loss of my Grandmother who passed away on December 27, 2004.

My Grandmother had been very ill for the past few years; however, it wasn’t until the last few months or so that things really took a turn for the worst. She ultimately passed away in her sleep from complications due to colon cancer; and, although I miss her deeply, I am grateful to God that I was able to literally be by her side for the last few weeks of her life. It is a time that I will actually treasure for the rest of my life.

It’s a funny thing how our Creator works. My Grandmother was in home hospice care the last week she was alive. She hung on to life much longer then what her doctors had expected. In fact, the night she passed away, do you know that almost all of her family was at her side?

Now you may be wondering why that’s an important fact. Well, you have to understand, my Grandmother had 12 children! That’s right, 12 kids! She had 26 grandchildren and 24 great-grandchildren! With the exception of just one of her own children, all of her kids and a considerable number of her grandkids and great-grandkids were all with her the night she passed. So, now you may also be wondering how that happened? How was it that some 40-plus people were with her the moment she left?

Well, it just so happened that the very day my Grandmother passed away, was the very day that the Hospice Medical Staff had arranged to meet with the family to discuss the care my Grandmother was receiving. Everyone, and I mean everyone, made sure to be at my Grandmother’s home in order to ask questions and receive answers from the Hospice staff. So, with all of her family in her home (her sisters, husband, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren) God and my Grandmother decided that that was as good a time as any for her to take her leave.

We each got to say our “goodbyes” and then my Grandmother, comfortably and peacefully, went to sleep.

It’s the weirdest thing really about my Grandmother. The night she left was incredibly sad and heart wrenching. But, ever since then, I have been able to cope very well with her passing. She had said just last month that when she passed away, she didn’t want a bunch of weeping and crying. She said she didn’t want us to be sad, but to be joyful for her and to celebrate her life and legacy. So, that’s what we all did.

At her memorial service we celebrated my Grandmother’s 83 years of life. She was a strong woman. Obviously, I mean she had 12 kids! All single births (no twins). And all of those kids had big heads too! It amazes me that she was able to push them out.

She was a dedicated sister. At the age of 14, despite my Grandmother being an excellent student, she dropped out of school to raise her sisters due to the sudden death of her mother. When her last sister was old enough to attend school, my Grandmother went back to high school and received stellar grades and her high school diploma.

She was a loving wife. She and my Grandfather were married for 63 years! How she was able to stick with my Grandfather and all his World War II stories for that long, I do not know. But, she was able to do it.

She was a faithful servant to her God. She instilled in her children a faith and love for the God who blessed us with life. It is her faith and righteousness that provided me with an example of how I should live my life.

And, finally, my Grandmother was also the most sarcastic and witty person I ever met. Now, she wasn’t like me. She wouldn’t throw sarcasm in your face. She’d just make little strange remarks that you wouldn't be expecting. Like the time, just a couple of days before she passed, when she made sure to chastise her children for taking a break of 10 minutes and leaving her in the room by herself (they had been with her around the clock for weeks by then).

Child (in the kitchen resting): “Boy, I am so drained right now.”

Other Kids: “Yea, me too.”

Grandmother (in her room): “Aaaagh! Someone come!”

Children (running to her room): “Ma what is it? What is it ma?”

Grandmother: “Come…”

Children: “Ma, we’re here. What is it?”

Grandmother: “Well…YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF LIKE THIS!! DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!”

Grandkids: “Ooooh, Grandma busted ya’ll.”

Although my Grandmother may have been quite serious about not wanting to be alone, I actually think she was just messin’ with her kids. She was real good at laying the guilt on. Plus, I saw that smile on her face after she made her kids cry.

Anyways, my Grandmother was a strong, caring, and selfless person. She was sarcastic and funny and I will miss her deeply. But, in honor of my Grandmother’s sense of humor, I’d like to end this piece by telling a funny story that happened at my Grandmother’s funeral. She’d want us all to laugh at this, so here it is…

Okay, ya’ll know that meal you have after a funeral? The fancy name for that meal is called a repast, and of course, we had one after my Grandmother’s services.

Now, the repast was the responsibility of my Grandmother’s sons. You see, the daughters outnumbered the sons (7 girls and 5 boys); and, because they had the numbers the daughters always made the decisions and plans in the family. This includes taking over all of the details of my Grandmother’s memorial services. Well, the guys got kinda upset during the planning phase of all this and demanded that they be given some responsibility too. Now, the daughters didn’t think this was a good idea,

Daughters: “This isn’t a good idea.”

but they didn’t want the boys to feel like they had no say in their own mother’s funeral. So, they let the boys handle the repast. Keep in mind, by that time, the daughters had really done all of the work. They had hired the caterer, paid for the banquet hall, and bought the decorations. All the guys had to do was two things: pick someone to bless the food and make sure that the family was SERVED before the other guests.

Sigh.

Well, this is what happened…

So, we get to the banquet hall. The decorations are up, the family’s tables are reserved, and everything looks okay. But, oh how quickly things fall apart.

For some reason, my uncles thought it would be good to get some guy named Doobie, who by the way had just got out of prison, to say the prayer.

Doobie [yelling in the nice banquet hall]: “Uh, excuse me! EXCUSE ME!! Alright, ya’ll the family would like to thank everyone for coming out on this most joyous occasion…

Reese and Other Family Members: “Joyous?” “What the hell…”

Doobie [still yelling]: “Now if everyone could bow their heads and let’s pray.”

So Doobie does the prayer and it’s alright, but here comes the crazy part.

Doobie [of course, he’s yelling]: “Amen. Alright, now we got all this great food here. So everyone, LET’S EAT!!”

[Tires Coming to a Screeching Halt]
Now, right now you’re probably thinking to yourself that this isn’t right. Well, you would be correct sir. This isn’t right. The family was supposed to be served first!! But, this didn’t happen. Instead, Doobie commanded 300 people to rush to the buffet line. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been around 300 Black people when there was a command to eat; but, I have. And once you say “Let’s Eat” you can’t take it back.

Reese [watching in horror as 300 people make a mad rush to get food]: “What the heck!? We’re supposed to eat first!”

CC [Reese’s Sister]: “Shoot! C’mon let’s go before it’s all gone.”

Immediately, all of the grandkids start rushing to get food too. Seriously, it was like a straight up fight. We were throwing elbows and cutting in front of people. We were the family for crying out loud!

Meanwhile, the uncles were yelling to everyone, “Wait! Family first! Family first!” And the daughters were still in their seats wondering if they were going to be served.

My Mom: “Aren’t we supposed to be served? Where’s our food?”

My Aunt B: “We are supposed to be served. I’m not getting up until I’m served!”

Reese [fighting for a chicken wing from a 4 year old]: “Mom, Aunt B… ughh, give me my wing you little brat! You better c’mon before there’s nothing left! Every man for himself!!”

CC [to our dad]: “Get outta my way! Move!!”

My Aunt B: “But, we’re supposed to be served!”

My Mom [getting up and running]: “Girl you better come on! We ain’t getting served!”

Suddenly, all the daughters realize they have to be their own advocates and they too begin the dash for food.

Aunt B [elbowing other guests]: “Move! We’re the family for Christ’s sake!!”

I tell you I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life. Hundreds of people, with no manners, fighting over stuffed ham. People working in teams to maximize their food intake.

Random Person: “Yo, Bob. You get the cake; I’ll get the potato salad!”

It was shameful.

But, it was also very funny.

In case you’re wondering, the family did get to eat before most people on account of the fact that we cut in front of everyone. And, the food was really, really, good.

So, we were able to end my Grandmother’s memorial service on a hilarious note. And, I’m pretty sure, it’s just the way she would have wanted it.


Grandmother Amanda
1921-2004






© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved