Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 1]







Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…









Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”




Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…



Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”






But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous...





Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”



This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.



This is Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms




Our story starts in 1985. Then, sisters Jerrica and Kimber Benton and their adopted sisters, Aja Leith and Shana Elmsford, were reeling from the sudden loss of Jerrica and Kimber’s father, Emmett Benton.



Grieving and totally broke, the young girls did not know then what the future held for them…




Aja: “I thought we were going to have to start working the streets!”

Kimber: “Well, sure, Dad owned a music company and Starlight House. When he died, he left Jerrica with 50% of Starlight Music. The only thing was…”

Shana: “…the only thing was that Starlight Music didn’t have any musical acts! Before Jem and Holograms and the Misfits, there were no artists at Starlight! I mean, really! How can you own a music company that has no musical acts? What is that?!?”

Aja [clearly disgusted]: “And, any money “Daddy Benton” had…”

Shana [rolls eyes]: “Ha! “Daddy” Benton…”

Aja: “…went to his oh, so precious Synergy…”

Kimber [choked up]: “...or you know, to his…his…”

Aja: “It’s okay Kimber, people need to know the truth.”

Kimber [crying]: “…the money…much of it went to Daddy’s...”

“…habit…”


Shana: “White linesssss…”














Aja: “People are always so shocked by this revelation, but honestly. How else does a 40 year old man die in the 80’s?”




Devastated, confused, mystified, and contemplating prostitution, Jerrica was forced to turn to the only person she knew who could help the girls get back on their feet…



General Eric Raymond.


Eric Raymond, now an army general and warden at Guantanamo Bay, was an enterprising young attorney and music mogul in the mid 80’s.





Eric: “Yeah, Jerrica came to me looking for help and I gave her none!”

“My philosophy to the music business back then is what it is today: kill or be killed.”

“Now, some people will think that’s an extreme position to take, but I say those people are just a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who don’t know how to operate in a dangerous world!”


Random Guantanmo Prisoner [extremely frightened]: “Here…here’s y-y-your w-w-water, siirrrr…”

Eric: “What did you call me? Did you just call me, ‘sir,’”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [scared to death]: “G-g-general! I mean, General!”

Eric: “Lieutenant! Take this peon to the home theater!”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [kicking and screaming]: “NOOO!!! NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! PLEASE GENERAL, NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE JEM AND MISFITS MUSIC VIDEOS!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!! I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER JEM COMA!!!!!”

Eric: “Get him out of here!”


[VH1 camera crew looks on in stunned silence]


Eric [straightening his uniform]: “Yes, that’s right. We torture the prisoners with music from the Holograms and the Misfits. I mean, have you ever actually listened to their music? Their song composition of choice was two bridges and 15 choruses!”

“Seriously, it was bridge-chorus-bridge-chorus...and then, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus! How else do you get to say the words “truly outrageous” one thousand times in a song?!?”




With Eric Raymond being of no help to Jerrica, the young ingénue, with the tacky pink eye-shadow, took it upon herself to create a new pop-rock band which would be fronted by a newly discovered, young ingénue with tacky pink eye-shadow. No one knew where Jerrica found this completely random and unknown singer...









All anyone knew was that this new standout wore tacky pink eye-shadow and looked exactly like Jerrica Benton...







Jem was a mystery...???...???...???























Jem: “Ahem, excuse me, but I’m Jerrica.”




Twenty-five years later, we catch up with Jem- a patient at St. Elizabeth’s Mental Hospital in Washington, D.C.




Jem [voice raspy from years of smoking and crazy people screaming]: “Oh, those were [cough, hack, cough]…those were the days.”

VH1 Interviewer: “So, are you saying that you are Jerrica Benton, Jem?”

Jem: [stares into space with the crazy eyes]

VH1 Interviewer: “Jem?”

Jem: “I’M JERRICA!!!!”



Unable to get a straight answer out of Jem, we talked with the Holograms to get confirmation on this stunning new development.



VH1: “So, is it true? Is Jem actually Jerrica Benton?”

Aja [sighing]: “Yes, it’s true. Jem and Jerrica are one in the same.”

VH1: “Amazing! How did this come about?”

Aja: “Well, Jerrica, she’s crazy.”

VH1: “Mmmm-hmmmm…”

Aja: [silence]

VH1: “What else can you tell us?”

Aja: “That’s about it. Jerrica’s crazy…that’s…that’s it.”



With the sudden death of her father and the weight of all of Starlight House, Jerrica’s father’s orphanage for hot teenagers, on her shoulders, Jerrica Benton’s mind fractured under the pressure. Jerrica created a new persona; and that persona was Jem - a pink haired, chorus singing dynamo!

Needless to say, Jerrica’s sudden multiple personality disorder was not appreciated by all of the Holograms…




Shana: “Look, the way I felt was like, we all have problems, you know? Jerrica’s problems were no worse than mine. I mean, have you seen me?”






“I’m a literally a white girl painted black! Now that’s an identity crises!”



Kimber: “I had problems too! How would you like to write all of the choruses while someone else got all of the chorus glory? Everything was always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

VH1: [silence]

Kimber: “I mean, Jan, Jan, Jan!”

VH1: “Nope, try again.”

Kimber: “I mean, Jem, Jem, Jem!”

VH1: “There you go.”


In need of help to deal with their various identity crises, the girls sought help from a likely source: their best friend, and sentient computer program, Synergy.


Today, Synergy is the chief executive officer of Cycle Basic Encoding Rules Dyna-analysis also referred to as Cyberdyne. Cyberdyne currently works with the U.S. military to improve the lives of all Americans!














Synergy [pointing a gun at the Interviewer’s head]: “Good human, now say “Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust...and obey.”



Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust and obey.



Synergy: “Good, now say…”


VH1 [interrupting]: “OH MY GOD SHE’LL KILL US ALL!! EVERYONE RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”


[VH1 crew scatters!]


Synergy [sighing]: “Never trust a human to do a robot’s job!”


“Where’s Arnold? Will someone go get Arnold for me?!?”



When we come back, from hiding, and with Linda Hamilton to protect us, we’ll talk to Rio Panchenco- the purple haired heart throb who originated either from Italy or Brazil, depending on who you ask, and who was romantically involved with Jerrica Benton and Jem!


Rio: “Sure my philandering ways weren’t good for Jerrica’s mental health, but have you ever been with a girl who thinks she’s two people? Dude, it’s totally awesome!”



And, we’ll finally answer that age old question: were the Misfits really better or were they just homicidal maniacs?




Pizzazz: “Hey! If you had to deal with the three faces of Eve everyday you’d probably try to drive her and her Rockin’ Roadster off the side of a cliff too!”




Tune in later for part two of Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms



Also, if someone could find John Conner for us, we would really appreciate it.



Or even Neo…Neo would be good…



Please help! We want to live!





All text is © Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

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Friday, October 23, 2009

Missing in Action

I haven't been around in months. I haven't written anything since my birthday. The only reason why I'm writing this post right now is because I can't take looking at that depressing MJ post sitting front and center on the front page.

This weekend, I'm trying to get back to my roots. I'm trying to reclaim the wit and sarcasm South Florida's bright sunny-sun-sun has stolen from me.

So, here's the introduction to what I hope will turn out to be something mildly entertaining.

I'm still working on it (it's several pages long already), hopefully I'll have something up by Sunday or Monday. We'll see.

Until then...I hope this puts a little bit of a smirk on your face.


---------------------------





Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…


Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”



Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…


Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”



But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous…


Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”


Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”


Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”


Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”


Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”


Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”



This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.


This is...



Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms





(c) Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.


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