Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Anniversary Pre-Show!!

[So, you won't get this at all if you haven't been reading for a while. Just roll with it, if you don't understand. Oh, and yes, I am corny as hell.]


Baby’s. Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. Las Vegas.



Poor Working Girl (PWG): “I must have been pretty desperate to come to this event with you.”

DJ: “WAZ-UP BABY!!! WE GONNA GET CRUNK TONIGHT!!!"

PWG: “Whatever.”



As PWG and DJ arrive at the SD Awards Pre-Show Party, they run into a very high class, state of the art woman who is standing guard at the door. And, she’s not letting any guests in.



DJ: “WAZ UP, BE-OTCH!?!? LET A [insert racial epithet] IN!!!!”

Vicky3: “And you are?”

DJ: “I AM THE FRESHEST, MOST ILLIST, I’M SAYIN’ GREATEST CAT ON THE BLOCK!!!!”

PWG: “Oh, will you shut up already!”

“Ahem. I am Poor Working Girl. This is DJ. And, I’m sure we are on this list.”

DJ: “FO’ SHIZZLE!!”

PWG: “Wow, it’s so cool to finally be “on the list.” To finally be appreciated for all of my hard work. For someone to recognize my talents…”

Vicky3: “You’re not on the list.”

PWG: “WHAT?!?!”

Vicky3: “Actually, neither of you are on the list.”

DJ: “YO, YOU NEED TO CHECK THAT [insert bad word] AGAIN!”

Vicky3: “Yea, I’m a state of the art computer sent personally to the most beautiful and talented Reese the Law Girl from the Land of Gateway. I’m sure my list is up to date.”



Just then, one of Reese’s closest friends and two of Reese’s current foes also show up at the door…



Lisa [looking a little wasted]: “What’s up, negroes!!!!”

Hurricane Katrina [looking a lot wasted]: "I’m back…britches!!!”

Lisa: “HAHAHA!!! You said “britches.”

Katrina: “I…did…I said…[hiccup]…I didn’t mean…”

Lisa: “It’s “bitches” not “britches.”

Katrina [crying]: “I’m sorry….I’m so sorry…I’m so….so messed up….man, you’re…you’re the greatest….I love you “Lisa.” You always got my back.”

Lisa: “Are you crying? You’re a punk, Katrina! A punk!!”

Katrina [laughing]: “Oh, my god! You’re soooooooo right. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Hurricane Wilma: “I can’t believe I’m the sober one in this group.”

Lisa: “Move, Vicky3!! I need to get into the “par-tay.”

Katrina: “Hehehehehe… "par-tay.”

Vicky3: “I’m sorry, but you’re not on the list.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?!”

Vicky3: “None of you are on the list.”

DJ: “OH, AIN’T THIS A BITCH!!!”



As the guests begin arguing with Vicky3, yet another SD regular arrives at the door.



Karma: “Make way, idiots. Karma is ready to get this party started.”

“Well, well, well. Look who’s here? Hey, PWG, you may want to keep away from DJ. Last time I saw him, he was struck by a sudden bout of syphilis.”

PWG: “Syphilis?!?!”

DJ: “Hey, baby…you know…Karma…she be…she be messin’ with people…you know…”

PWG: “SYPHILLIS?!?!”

Karma: “Don’t let him sneeze on you, honey.”

“Hehehe. Anyways, Vicky3, I’m here so let me in.”

Vicky3: “Well, technically, you’re not on the list Karma.”

Karma: “WHAT?!?!”

Lisa: “Okay, hold on! Just…just hold on!! If I’m not on the list, and Karma’s not on the list, and PWG and DJ aren’t on the list, and Katrina and Wilma are not on the list, then WHO IN THE HELL IS ON THE LIST?!?!”

Vicky3: “Orlando Bloom.”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!”

Vicky3: “Only Orlando Bloom and Reese the Law Girl of Infinite Wisdom are on the list.”

Lisa: “Okay, that is just…Reese has LOST HER MIND!!! I’m her best friend AND I made this blog!!!”

PWG: “Yea, and…wait a minute, I MADE THIS BLOG!”

Lisa: “PWG, don’t even start! You weren’t even here until May!”

PWG: “Oh, hell, no I’m the star here. I will be appreciated, dammit! I’m the star!”

Lisa: “Say you’re “the star” one more time, PWG. Say it one more time.”

PWG: “…ahem…”

“I’M THE STAR!!!”




And suddenly, without warning, “Lisa” attempts to deck PWG right in the nose. Of course, PWG is a master of “the kung-fu,” so a massive butt-whoopin’ is about to commence.



DJ: “YO, YO, YO, IT’S A GIRLFIGHT!!!”

Karma: “This is so sad.”

DJ: “RIP HER CLOTHES OFF!!!”

Vicky3: “Okay, I’m going to need some help.”

“Security!!!”



Suddenly, in storms three navy blue-clad cops. But, these just aren’t any cops. They’re the cops of South Pinellas, Florida.



Cop1: “Okay, black people, break it up! Break it up!!”

Cop2: “What’s the situation, Dan?”

Cop1: “We’ve got some colored people here causing trouble.”

Cop2: “No, not colored people!!!”

Cop1: “Yea, colored people.”

Cop3: “When will the coloreds learn? When will they learn?”

Cop1: “I don’t know, Stacy. I just don’t know.”



Vicky3 [speaking with Reese on her Intel Centrino Mobile Technology chip]: “Ahh-ha…ah-ha…okay…”

“Listen, up! The most gorgeous and benevolent Reese says that you guys are embarrassing her. So, whoever can come up with the best anniversary gift can come to the “par-tay.” The rest of you will just have to wait until the SD Awards Show to celebrate.”

Karma: “You instant message Reese and tell her that I’ll zap her up with some more bad luck if she doesn’t let me in!”

Vicky3: “Hold on.”

“Ah-ha…ah-ha…okay…”

“Karma, the great and most knowledgeable Reese says you can come in- on account of her being afraid of you. She just asks if you can bring Brad Pitt.”

Karma: “Sure, whatever.”


Instantly, Brad Pitt arrives looking HOT!


Brad Pitt: “Hey, how did I get here? I’m supposed to be with Angelina in Japan with her ovaries.”

Karma: “Yes, well, now you’re with me. The baby-making will have to wait. Let’s go!”

Vicky3: “The rest of you people will have to go now. If you don’t leave, I’m going to be forced to call out Ancient Chinese Master to deal with you.”

PWG: “WHAT?!?! YOU MEAN ANCIENT CHINESE MASTER IS ON THE LIST?!?!”

Vicky3: “Well, someone had to protect the most awesome Reese from you people and simultaneously keep Lisa from trying to steal Orlando Bloom from the awe-inspiring Reese.”

Lisa: “You know, what, I’ll leave. But, you tell that trick, Reese, that I’m NEVER speaking to her again!”

PWG: “I can’t believe Ancient Chinese Master got into the party! I can’t believe it!!!”

Katrina [crying]: “Oh, mannnn….I wanted to “par-tay.” Why can’t…why...I’m…so…sad…”

Wilma: “God, Katrina. Stop crying before you flood Las Vegas.”

DJ: “SEE, THIS IS SOME BULL [insert bad word]!!!”

PWG: “Ancient Chinese Master?!?! But, he’s ANCIENT!!!”

DJ: “THAT’S WHY I DON’T MESS WITH BITCHES, MAN!!!”

Vicky3: “Alright, see you at the show.”

“Okay, okay, now where is the help? Hello?!?!”

Halle Berry [the help]: “I’m here, I’m here!”

Vicky3: “Wow, you do one bad movie and now you’re just "the help.”

Halle: “Don’t rub it in.”

Vicky3: “Alright, alright. Look, you need to put up the banner before the just and fair Reese sells me on E-bay.”

Halle: “Alright. How’s this?”

Vicky3: “Well…it’s perfect.”

“Now, come on before we miss the "par-tay.”

Lisa [shouting from around the corner]: “HALLE?!?! HALLE IS ON THE LIST?!?!”

Vicky3: “Go home, Lisa!!”




HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY, SD!!!!!



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, November 28, 2005

This Much is True

Sigh.


I’m still hanging my head in shame on this one.


Okay, so last night I was at home, talking on the phone with “Lisa.” I thought I was alone, and sense it was Sunday and I don’t do anything on Sunday including dressing myself to be presentable to the public, I was chilling in the kitchen packing my lunch for work and eating the last bit of Eddy’s fat free/no sugar added chocolate ice cream that’s been sitting in the freezer for the last two weeks.


So, I’m talking to “Lisa” about one of our favorite shows (One Tree Hill) when who should descend down the "Gone with Wind" staircase but the hottest boy in the state of Florida.


Okay, let me repeat. Dude, was hot. And not just cute, but hot.



Supermodel hot.



Tyson Beckford, hot!



And there I was, a big spoon of ice cream in my mouth wearing my Teena Marie concert t-shirt and my “way too big for me” pajama bottoms with the martini recipes written all over them. Hair pulled back, glasses on, barefoot, looking sloppy as hell.



Yes, I know, I know!! But, I thought I was alone in the house. I didn’t know the roommates had company over. The roommates weren’t even home!



Oh, it hurts to even think about it...



Reese [on the phone with Lisa]: “Yea, I think I missed that episode…”

Lisa: “Ooohh, girl it was good! See, Dan thought Lucas tried to kill him and…”



[Cue Tyson Beckford descending the stairs and Spandau Ballet’s “True” playing in Reese’s Head]


Tyson: “Hi.”

Reese [“Ahh-ha-ha-haa-haa…I know this much is true…”]: “Ummm…hi…”

Lisa: “…and then Dan slapped Peyton…”

Tyson: “I have Theo’s key. Could you give it back to him for me?”

Reese [“Ahh-ha-ha-haa-haa…I know this much is true…”]: “…sure…”

Lisa: “Hey, who are you talking too?”

Tyson: “I’m Theo’s cousin, Tyson, by the way. And you are?”

Reese [“This much is tru-hoo…this much is tru-hoo-hoo…”]: “Oh, I’m Reese.”

Lisa: “Hello?!?! Who are you talking too?!?!”

Tyson: “Well, hello Reese. And are you visiting here?”

Reese [“I know this much is true…”]: “Oh, no, I live here.”

Tyson: “Really?”

Reese [“…this much is tru-hoo…this much is tru-hoo-hoo…”]: “Oh, well, I was gone…for the break…the Thanksgiving break…I was out of town for the last few days…”

Tyson: “Oh, okay. Well, I was here for Theo’s rehearsal dinner, but now I’m off. Tell Theo I’ll see him next week on his big day.”

Reese [“I know, I know, I know, this much is true…”]: “Sure.”

Tyson: “It was nice meeting you, Reese.”

Reese [“I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE…”]: “…you too…”


As Tyson walked out of my life and my home, there was very little that needed to be explained to “Lisa”…



Reese: “Oh. My. God. Lisa, I have to tell you something…”

Lisa: “He was hot, wasn’t he?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Lisa: “And you look like [insert bad word] don’t you?”

Reese [crying]: “Yes!”

Lisa: “That’s actually really funny!!”

Reese: “Oh. My. God.”

Lisa: “Hahahahahaha!!! That’s really funny!!!”

Reese [still crying]

Lisa: “You really are the unluckiest girl in the world, huh?”

Reese: “I’m just…just…cursed.”



[“I know this much is true!”]





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

A Tale of Two Sisters


CC: “Reese, give me some money.”

Reese: “What?”

CC: “I need some money.”

Reese: “Don’t you have a job?”

CC: “Yes, but my boss is a jerk, so now I need some money.”

Reese [sighing]: “What happened?”

CC: “Man, he’s so stupid! He told me to go do something, and I was like, “No, I don’t wanna do it.” And then, he was like “Well, you better do it.” And then, I was all, “Whatever, I ain’t doin’ it! Make someone else do it.”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

CC: “And then, he was like, “I told you to do it!” And then I said, “I told you, I ain’t gonna do it. So get outta my face!”

Reese: “And then, he was like “You’re fired,” right, CC?”

CC: “Man, that fool is whack!”

Reese: “I can’t believe you got fired.”

CC: “Man, I didn’t get fired. Look at me! I’m short and cute. He just started laughing and said next time I have to do what he says.”

Reese: “You mean, you didn’t get fired?”

CC: “Nah, man, I didn’t get fired.”

Reese: “So, then why do you need money from me?”

CC: “Because you’re a lawyer, man! I know you got some money!”

Reese: “I work for the taxpayers, CC. And right now, the taxpayers are being really cheap.”

CC: “Yea, well, that sounds like a personal problem to me.”

Reese: [silence]

CC: “Gimmie some money!!!”

Reese: “I swear for god, I don’t know how you and I became sisters!”

CC: “I know. You must be adopted.”

Reese: “I must be adopted?!?!”

CC: “How am I gonna have a sister who’s a lawyer, but she ain’t never got any money?!?!”

Reese: “I didn’t know I went to law school to provide you with money, CC.”

CC: “You’re completely worthless to me!”

Reese: “I know.”

CC: “Worthless!!!”

Reese: “Well, I do try my best to be of no use.”

CC: “Well, you’re doing a good job!”

Reese: “Thank you.”

CC: “You’re welcome.”



[silence]



CC: “Reese, can I have some money now?”

Reese: “NO!!!!”





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Procrastinate with Me (I Don't Feel Like Packing)

I just want to take this moment to say that I hate Maryland Basketball.


You know, I was getting all hyped that this team would be way better than last year's. And what did they go do? They went and lost to Gonzaga tonight. Those stupid buggers couldn't even beat Gonzaga! And Gonzaga sucks (okay, they're ranked #9 in the country, but I still think they suck).


I mean, I ask for one little thing. One little thing! Is perfection really that much to ask for? I mean, really?


Pfssh!


In other news, I just found out my mother has been lying to me my whole life. It's true. We just had this conversation today...



Reese: “Mom, remember that game, “Memory?” The one with all the cards with pictures on them? And you had to match each card with its identical, partner card?”

Mom: “Yea, I remember we used to play that all the time when you were about 4 or 5.”

Reese: “Yea, and I used to beat you at it all the time. Anyways, I was wondering- did you let me win all those times?”

Mom: “Of course. You didn’t think a 5 year old could beat a 27 year old woman did you?”

Reese: “Mom, I can’t believe you let me win!”

Mom: “You mean all these years you actually thought you beat me at Memory?”

Reese: “Well, I never really thought about it until yesterday...”

Mom: “Because I could whoop you at Memory right now if you wanted to test me.”

Reese: “Mom, I do not want to play Memory against you.”

Mom: “I’ll take you, you know.”

Reese: “Mom!”

Mom: “You know it was your Father that insisted that I let you win. He was all, “You know you have to let her win. It builds her confidence up.” Like I’m dumb enough to let my 5 year old lose repeatedly at Memory.”

Reese: “Okay, Mom.”

Mom: “You weren’t very good at it, by the way.”

Reese: “Mom!”

Mom: “Oh, you were so excited to win. “Ohhhh, I won, AGAIN!” That used to get on my nerves.”

Reese [laughing]: “Mom!”

Mom: “Eventually, I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, I started beating you. The way I saw it, you needed to learn some disappointment. But, then you used to get mad because you didn’t win. And then you started twisting the rules to say that I was cheating.”

Reese: “I don’t remember that.”

Mom: “Yea, well I remember. So, I let you win a few more times and then I put Memory away forever.”

Reese: “I can’t believe it. All this time and you just let me think I was smart. You lied to me!!”

Mom: “Yea, well, it paid off. Because of my questionable parenting, you believed you were smart enough to do anything.”

Reese: “Yea, I guess that’s true.”

Mom: “But, you ain’t no good at Memory.”

Reese: “Well, thanks for tearing down my confidence in my late twenties, Mom.”

Mom: “Hey, I’m just saying. Short-term memory is not your strongest suit.”

Reese: “Okay, goodbye now, Mom.”

Mom [under her breath]: “I mean will you even remember this conversation after I hang up the phone?"

Reese: “Mom!”

Mom: "Sometimes, I'm surprised you even remember I exist.”

Reese: “Mom!”

Mom: “I mean, your memory is bad.”

Reese: “I guess that's why I forget to NEVER ASK YOU THINGS!!”

Mom: "Well, yeah, it's because of your awful memory."

Reese: "Goodbye, Mom!"




In other, other news tomorrow I'm going to be a bad person and screw some old people over. That'll teach Maryland to lose a basketball game. Now the old people must suffer!



Just when I started making some progress, I return to the darkside.



Okay, I'm going to actually go pack now as I have nothing else to say.



Okay, I do have one more thing to say: Orlando Bloom was ROBBED of "Sexiest Man Alive." We all know it! Shame on People magazine. Shame!



Okay, that's it.



I'm really going to go pack now.



I'm gonna do it! Geesh, give me a break!






© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

The Color of Blove

Your Blog Should Be Orange

Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant.
You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later.
You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Vicky3 says "Hi."


She also says that she is ready to get to work and do my bidding. And, that's what's important.


Ummm, so nothing else is going on...


You know, things are kinda quiet...


I spent all of my money this weekend, so I'm broke again...


What else??? Hmmm....


I just wrote an on-the-record decision in which I didn't screw someone over...


So...


What's up with you?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Lords of War

[Ummm...all parts are spoken in fake, old world, British accents. And just to answer your forthcoming question, no I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Enjoy!]



Duke Cingular: “My Lady! My Lady! The House of Best Buy and the House of Gateway are here!”

Queen Reese of the House of Law Girl: “Send them in.”

Countessa of the House of Best Buy: “My Lady, you look ever so beautiful…”

Queen Reese: “Shut-up!!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Oh…uhh…yes, My Lady. Umm…I have brought the Count of Gateway with me as doth requested.”

Count of the House of Gateway: “My Lady, this matter shall be resolved ever so quickly. I doth have a solutionith.”

Queen Reese: “A solutionith? And what tis thou’s solutionith?”

Count of Gateway: “Blame the House of Best Buy, of course. And then kill the House of Best Buy.”

Queen Reese & Countessa of Best Buy: “What?!?!”

Count of Gateway: “The House of Best Buy has committed many sins against our lord and savior, my Lady. That is why the calamity Wilma was cast upon thee. Tis the sins of the House of Best Buy which caused the loss of your magical fairy, Vicky2.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “TIS NOT TRUE, MY LADY!!! TIS NOT TRUE!!!!”

Queen Reese: “Then what ‘tis true Countessa of Best Buy? Did I not purchase the magical fairy, Vicky2 from you? Did I not also garnish the Buyer Protection? Did you not promise to heal said fairy when she became ill? But you have not completed this simplest of tasks. And now the Kingdom of Law Girl shall miss its grand anniversary “part-ay.” You have committed many sins against the House of Law Girl. And worst of all, there will be no “part-ay!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “A POX, A POX ON THE HOUSE OF GATEWAY!! The Count, he lies to you my Lady! LIES!!! For it was not condemnation from god, but a Weather Witch that the House of Gateway doth cast upon the Kingdom of Best Buy!!”

Queen Reese: “A Weather Witch? You swear it?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Aye!!! I swear it on our dominion over the House of Circuit City!!!”

Queen Reese: “Explain yourself.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “The magical fairy, Vicky2, was escorted to the Kingdom of Gateway by our Knights of Geekdom as the Kingdom of Gateway are experts at restoring the health of fairies still under the limited warranty…”

Queen Reese: “Continue.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “But the House of Gateway doth trick my Lady and the House of Best Buy. The House of Gateway healed the fairy, Vicky2, only to hand her over to the evil wizard DHL who was in alliance with the Weather Witch Wilma.”

Queen Reese: “Shock! Horror! Abomination! Why?!?! Why would the House of Gateway do such a thing?!?!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Because the House of Gateway is stupid, my Lady!”

Queen Reese: “Stupid?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Yes.”

Queen Reese: “Stupid?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Yes.”

Queen Reese: “Stupid? That’s your official answer?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “What else could it be, my Lady? Everyone knows that Brown is better.”

Queen Reese: “Count of Gateway, what do you have to say…”

Count of Gateway: [running away]

Queen Reese: “Knights! Legolas, Bailon, Achilles, The Rock- capture the Count of Gateway!! He attempts to circumvent justice!!”

Bailon [speaking in his oh, so hot, sexy, British accent]: “No worries, my Lady. We have him.”

Legolas: “And what do you want us to do with this foul beast, Queen Reese?”

Achilles [Gawd! Brad Pitt is hot!]: “We could shoot him in the ankle and let him bleed out?”

The Rock: “Yea, we know how to strong arm a ho!”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, my Lady!! Please have mercy!! Do not destroy me!! I am sad and pitiful! Yet, I promiseth I can fix this quandary!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Do not listen to the vagabond, my Queen. KILL HIM!!!”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, shut-up Countessa!! This is as much doth’s fault as it tis mine.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “LIES!! LIES, MY LADY…”

Queen Reese: “Oh, will you two give it a rest before I kill you both.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Shutting up now.”

Legolas: “And, what to do with the Count, my beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful…”

Queen Reese: “Don’t forget the last beautiful.”

Legolas: “…beautiful Queen?”

Queen Reese: “I shall let the both of them eat cake if I hear an appropriate solutionith from the Count.”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, my Lady is just as much as she is gorgeous…”

Queen Reese: “This is true.”

Count of Gateway: “I shall send you a brand new fairy! She shall be upgraded, thus she shall be named…”

“Vicky3.”

Queen Reese: “Fine. Now…GET OUT!!”

The Rock: “You heard her hotness, get out!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Oh, thank you, my Lady!”

Count of Gateway: “Yes, thank you, oh noble woman!”

Queen Reese [waiving them off]: “Yes, yes...”

Bailon [whispering in Reese’s ear {Gawd! Orlando was so hot playing this role!}]: “Ahem…now, my lady, about tonight…”

Queen Reese [whispering back]: “Hehehehe, oh my gawd, shut up. Not in front of the other guests. Duh!”

Orlando…I mean Bailon: “Yes, my Lady.”


[knock, knock, knock!!]


Queen Reese: “Yes?”

Count of Gateway: “Ummm…one more thing…my Lady…”

Queen Reese [sighing]: “What?”

Count of Gateway [speaking quickly]: “…it will take 7-10 business days for Vicky3 to arrive.”

Queen Reese: “GET OUT!!!!”

Achilles: “That’s it. I’m going to kill him.”

The Rock: “Hey, wait for me!”

Queen Reese [sighing]: “Sheesh! It sure is tough to be the Queen.”



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Single State of Mind

Allegedly, Vicky2 is to be in my possession today.


I’m taking bets as to if this will happen.


If you were smart, you’d bet against it.


Anyways, so I was talking to Derek (shoutout to Derek!) and he inspired me to write a post as to why I’m still single. This is a very complicated question, I think. It has many different explanations. So, I’ve come up with a list as to why I’m still single. As you will see, for the most part, it’s so not my fault.


1. I’m single because I’m oblivious.

Seriously, I’m like one of those cave women that has to be knocked up side the head in order to realize that a guy might like her (I do not condone domestic violence; do not get the wrong idea!). If a guy is flirting with me, I just think he’s being nice. Or that he’s flirtatious. But, I definitely don’t think he’s that into me.

Take for instance a friend of LQ’s who lives in Atlanta. He, evidently, really liked me. LQ (against my wishes) gave him my number when I was visiting Atlanta. He hung out with me and my friends while I was in Atlanta. Before I left Atlanta he called me. The conversation went something like this…


Will: “So, I really had a good time with you last night.”

Reese: “Uh-huh…yea, uh…me too…”

Will: “So, what are you doing? You sound busy.”

Reese: “I’m packing. I’ve got to get back to Ohio in time to write a paper for my Law & Psychiatry class. I swear if Lisa is late meeting me I’m going to kill her!!”

Will: “Hahaha, wow you’re funny.”

Reese: “Uhhh, thanx.”

Will: “So….”

Reese [yelling]: “Toya De, is Lisa here yet!”

Toya De [yelling back]: “No, she ain’t here yet!!”

Reese: “I swear I’m going to kill her!”

Will: “Well, you sound really busy. But, I just wanted to let you know that I had a really great time with you last night.”

Reese: “Yea, it was fun. You and Lisa seemed to hit it off pretty well.”

Will: “Well, yea, but I had fun with you too.”

Reese: “Uhh, okay, whatever. We all had a good time.”

Will: “But, I had fun with you.”

Reese: “Yea, we all had a good time. Hey, did you want to say goodbye to Toya De? I would let you talk to Lisa, but her slow behind isn’t here yet!”

Will: “No, no, just tell everyone that I said bye and I hope you all have a safe trip.”

Reese: “Cool, will do.”

Will: “So, maybe I’ll see you again?”

Reese: “Not in Atlanta. I absolutely hate Atlanta. But, you can hang out with Lisa in Atlanta.”

Will: “Oh.”

Reese: “Yea, but you know if you’re ever in Maryland, you can look me up.”

Will: “Oh, okay…”

Reese: “Cool, okay, gotta run. Thanx for calling.”

Will: “Ummm, okay. Bye.”

Reese: “Peace!”


I swear I didn’t know he wanted me to give him my number until LQ called me and yelled at me for being an idiot. Will had called her and asked her what was wrong with her friend. I think LQ said that I was just stupid. Which is about right actually.



2. I’m single because I have The List.

Let me tell you guys about The List. The List is a list that I have in my head of certain things that lead to a guy never getting into a relationship with Reese. The List protects me. The List also crosses out every man on the face of the Earth.


The List is bad.


You’ll notice that LQ gave Will my number in Atlanta against my wishes. That’s because before I ever knew Will, he was already crossed off the list as potential dating material. Why is this? Because I found out that Will was short.

Will was 5’6 ½”. If a guy is not taller than me in heels, then we can never be. This rule is on The List. Other rules on The List also include things like “never date a man who cries (except if it’s over sports or his parents died).” If he’s crying over something else, he’s up to something. And there’s other stuff too like “never say I love you first,” and “never even think of being exclusive until after 4 months of dating.”


Yea…


You have to understand, that The List is all my Mother’s fault (and she is currently in violation of The List which really makes me mad because she came up with it!). Unlike other people’s parents, my Mom started talking to me about relationships, men, and sex very early on.


Reese: Age 6

Mom: “Reese, never marry a man like your father.”

Reese: “Got it.”


Reese: Age 7

Mom: “Reese, never date a short man. Short men have complexes. Just like your father.”

Reese: “Got it.”


Reese: Age 8

Mom: “Reese, never date a man who cries. Unless it’s the Super Bowl or his Mama just died. If he cries, he’s just trying to trick you. That’s how your father tricked me.”

Reese: “Got it.”



You see what I’m saying? My mother messed me up! The List is ingrained, INGRAINED I SAY, in my mind. I’ve tried to get over the list. I’ve tried to date short men. I just can’t do it.


I need to be reprogrammed.



3. I’m single because I’m smart.

My obliviousness and The List aside, I have recently become aware of the fact that I’m also single because I’m smart.

Now, I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but guys think I’m smart. And, that is not a good thing. Evidently, when a woman is smart, she can’t be “taught” anything (yes, a man actually said this!). Evidently, instead of having a nice engaging conversation with someone, what a lot of men want is an idiot.

For example, there’s this guy that I used to like. We used to talk. It was cool. We had good conversations. I was quite sure he wasn’t interested in me, but I still thought he was cute. I knew he wasn’t interested in me when I saw who he started dating.


Cute Boy: “Oh, yea, you should go to Club Bed, that place is cool. I just took Annie there.”

Reese: “Annie? You mean the Annie that asked me if Maryland was next to Minnesota?”

Cute Boy: “Yea, she’s great.”

Reese: “I’m sure she is.”


And, I’m just saying, Annie isn’t all that. I could understand if Annie was Halle Berry, but she isn’t.



I’m just saying.



I’m only left to assume that for some guys, less is more in the brains department (actually, I’ve had many men tell me this, so it’s really not an assumption).



4. I’m single because I’m not Halle Berry.

If I was Halle Berry, I would not be single. Naturally, I blame Halle for taking all “the Halle Berry,” and all that comes with having “the Halle Berry.” If I had “the Halle Berry,” I would so not be single right now.



5. I’m single because 99% of all single men are gay.

It’s true!

Guys can be so shady about this. Of course, I did used to live near DC and I currently live near Miami (two very gay populated areas), but that’s beside the point. I’m telling you, something happened. I don’t know if someone put something in the water or if it’s just evolution. But, almost all of the single men are gay. This is why The List is so horrible. Because, there aren’t a lot of available, STRAIGHT, men out there. And, then, when I find one The List takes him out.


Man, I really have to do something about The List.


So, there you have it. The Top 5 Reasons why I’m single. As you can see, it’s so not my fault that I’m single.



Okay, The List is my Mom’s fault. And, “the Halle Berry,” is Halle Berry’s fault.



Okay, so maybe I’m a little at fault. But, it’s largely, not my fault.




You can’t blame me for this!




I hate you people.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

If Only it Was True...


My blog is worth $20,323.44.
How much is your blog worth?

Monday, November 07, 2005

Reese Update

Wanted: Vicky2


This sucks mightily.


I still don’t have my laptop.


That be-otch Wilma has delayed everything. Including the return of Vicky2. So, this means I can’t post all the stuff I’ve written lately. No Poor Working Girl, no Dysfunctional Relationship, no Tales from the Childhood, and no return of the Secret Disney Guidebook.


Dang.



Just Finished Reading…



So, anyways, I finished reading Wicked.

It was weird. The beginning to the middle was pretty good. Especially the Witch’s University years. But, then it got all weird and I didn’t really understand what was going on. Next thing I knew, Dorothy took her out. I’d love to discuss this book with someone. If you read Wicked, what did you think about it?

Also, I just finished reading the BEST, BEST, BEST book I’ve read in a long time. It’s called Better than I Know Myself by Virginia DeBerry and Donna Grant. Do yourself a favor and read this book immediately.

It’s a basic story, but with a surprise ending. It’s the story of 3 friends who are all from 3 very different walks of life. There’s Carmen- her father was murdered when she was 6, her mother abandoned her shortly thereafter, and she was raised by her abusive older brother. Regina- upper middle-class suburban girl who calls her parents the Black Ward and June Cleaver. And, Jewell- a former child star who is attempting to escape from her stage mother and a secret in her past.

The girls all meet in college at Bernard and the book spans their 20 year trials and tribulations as friends. Oh, and there’s one more secret you learn right from the beginning…


One of the friends doesn’t make it out alive.


Duh-duh-dun!!!


Anyways, this is a great story (someone, PLEASE make this a movie). You’ll laugh, you’ll rejoice, you’ll get angry, you’ll rejoice some more, and then you’ll cry like a little girl.


Check it out.


Anyways, back to work for me. I’m hoping I can get my laptop sometime this week so I can actually start doing more productive things on my blog besides just voting.


That’s whack.


Peace!


PS: Do NOT read the reviews for Better than I Know Myself on Amazon.com. The reviews are awesome, but they give a lot of the story away. Some big spoilers. Just go get the book and read it for yourself.