Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Lords of War

[Ummm...all parts are spoken in fake, old world, British accents. And just to answer your forthcoming question, no I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Enjoy!]

Duke Cingular: “My Lady! My Lady! The House of Best Buy and the House of Gateway are here!”

Queen Reese of the House of Law Girl: “Send them in.”

Countessa of the House of Best Buy: “My Lady, you look ever so beautiful…”

Queen Reese: “Shut-up!!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Oh…uhh…yes, My Lady. Umm…I have brought the Count of Gateway with me as doth requested.”

Count of the House of Gateway: “My Lady, this matter shall be resolved ever so quickly. I doth have a solutionith.”

Queen Reese: “A solutionith? And what tis thou’s solutionith?”

Count of Gateway: “Blame the House of Best Buy, of course. And then kill the House of Best Buy.”

Queen Reese & Countessa of Best Buy: “What?!?!”

Count of Gateway: “The House of Best Buy has committed many sins against our lord and savior, my Lady. That is why the calamity Wilma was cast upon thee. Tis the sins of the House of Best Buy which caused the loss of your magical fairy, Vicky2.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “TIS NOT TRUE, MY LADY!!! TIS NOT TRUE!!!!”

Queen Reese: “Then what ‘tis true Countessa of Best Buy? Did I not purchase the magical fairy, Vicky2 from you? Did I not also garnish the Buyer Protection? Did you not promise to heal said fairy when she became ill? But you have not completed this simplest of tasks. And now the Kingdom of Law Girl shall miss its grand anniversary “part-ay.” You have committed many sins against the House of Law Girl. And worst of all, there will be no “part-ay!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “A POX, A POX ON THE HOUSE OF GATEWAY!! The Count, he lies to you my Lady! LIES!!! For it was not condemnation from god, but a Weather Witch that the House of Gateway doth cast upon the Kingdom of Best Buy!!”

Queen Reese: “A Weather Witch? You swear it?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Aye!!! I swear it on our dominion over the House of Circuit City!!!”

Queen Reese: “Explain yourself.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “The magical fairy, Vicky2, was escorted to the Kingdom of Gateway by our Knights of Geekdom as the Kingdom of Gateway are experts at restoring the health of fairies still under the limited warranty…”

Queen Reese: “Continue.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “But the House of Gateway doth trick my Lady and the House of Best Buy. The House of Gateway healed the fairy, Vicky2, only to hand her over to the evil wizard DHL who was in alliance with the Weather Witch Wilma.”

Queen Reese: “Shock! Horror! Abomination! Why?!?! Why would the House of Gateway do such a thing?!?!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Because the House of Gateway is stupid, my Lady!”

Queen Reese: “Stupid?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Yes.”

Queen Reese: “Stupid?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Yes.”

Queen Reese: “Stupid? That’s your official answer?”

Countessa of Best Buy: “What else could it be, my Lady? Everyone knows that Brown is better.”

Queen Reese: “Count of Gateway, what do you have to say…”

Count of Gateway: [running away]

Queen Reese: “Knights! Legolas, Bailon, Achilles, The Rock- capture the Count of Gateway!! He attempts to circumvent justice!!”

Bailon [speaking in his oh, so hot, sexy, British accent]: “No worries, my Lady. We have him.”

Legolas: “And what do you want us to do with this foul beast, Queen Reese?”

Achilles [Gawd! Brad Pitt is hot!]: “We could shoot him in the ankle and let him bleed out?”

The Rock: “Yea, we know how to strong arm a ho!”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, my Lady!! Please have mercy!! Do not destroy me!! I am sad and pitiful! Yet, I promiseth I can fix this quandary!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Do not listen to the vagabond, my Queen. KILL HIM!!!”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, shut-up Countessa!! This is as much doth’s fault as it tis mine.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “LIES!! LIES, MY LADY…”

Queen Reese: “Oh, will you two give it a rest before I kill you both.”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Shutting up now.”

Legolas: “And, what to do with the Count, my beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful…”

Queen Reese: “Don’t forget the last beautiful.”

Legolas: “…beautiful Queen?”

Queen Reese: “I shall let the both of them eat cake if I hear an appropriate solutionith from the Count.”

Count of Gateway: “Oh, my Lady is just as much as she is gorgeous…”

Queen Reese: “This is true.”

Count of Gateway: “I shall send you a brand new fairy! She shall be upgraded, thus she shall be named…”


Queen Reese: “Fine. Now…GET OUT!!”

The Rock: “You heard her hotness, get out!”

Countessa of Best Buy: “Oh, thank you, my Lady!”

Count of Gateway: “Yes, thank you, oh noble woman!”

Queen Reese [waiving them off]: “Yes, yes...”

Bailon [whispering in Reese’s ear {Gawd! Orlando was so hot playing this role!}]: “Ahem…now, my lady, about tonight…”

Queen Reese [whispering back]: “Hehehehe, oh my gawd, shut up. Not in front of the other guests. Duh!”

Orlando…I mean Bailon: “Yes, my Lady.”

[knock, knock, knock!!]

Queen Reese: “Yes?”

Count of Gateway: “Ummm…one more thing…my Lady…”

Queen Reese [sighing]: “What?”

Count of Gateway [speaking quickly]: “…it will take 7-10 business days for Vicky3 to arrive.”

Queen Reese: “GET OUT!!!!”

Achilles: “That’s it. I’m going to kill him.”

The Rock: “Hey, wait for me!”

Queen Reese [sighing]: “Sheesh! It sure is tough to be the Queen.”

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Joanne said...

Absolutely frickin' hilarious... You are a sick, twisted, insanely brilliant comic writer! And, you're pretty damn funny in person too! So does this mean we're pushing the anniversary par-tay back to a "holiday" celebration???

12:54 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

The Rock..... That's great!

Good luck with Vicky 3!

1:10 PM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee!

1:16 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Joanne: Ah, thank you, noble woman! I strive to be more twisted and sick each and every day. ;)

Yes, the anniversary par-tay will be pushed back. Hopefully, I can do an abbreviated version of what I had actually planned to do (man, it was going to be funny too; "Lisa" and PWG were going to fight, DJ was going to hit on someone; oh, the possibilities...)

Robyn: Thanx. Let's hope Vicky3 works out better than Vicky2. Wait, let's hope that Vicky3 even shows up. ;)

Girlie: That's the exact same thing I said when I wrote it. Thanx! :)

1:31 PM  
Blogger Deshaun said...

So f**king funny...If only you could see my face when I read it! Really though, your version of the story was genius!

And yes, "brown is better"!

4:14 PM  
Blogger Michael Newfoundland said...


9:15 AM  
Blogger derek said...

What can Brown do for you?


That's what happens when your valuables are trusted to DHL also known as Deliever His/Hers Later.


9:23 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, guys.

I can only laugh at the situation now. But, a couple of days ago, it wasn't this funny. ;)

12:26 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Wow, that was intense! How have ya been?

5:54 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hey, Mike.

I'm actually doing much better since I got home to find Vicky3 waiting for me to do her magical fairy thing.

Whoo-hooo!!!! :)

I don't know who, or what, or how, or why, but they actually overnighted Vicky3 to me.


I'm now a happy camper. :D

6:04 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

LOL! Reese my dear, you are "on crack!" ;o)

12:31 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Whitney Houston says, "Crack is whack!"

That's why I only do heroine. ;)

J/K! I'm not on the junk!

Or am I?

No, I'm not. Really.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LMAO, i love this. Oh i can't wait for the par-tay.

5:24 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Ok Reese I finally read it and I must agree it was definately one of your funnier posts

5:26 PM  

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