Monday, November 14, 2005

Single State of Mind

Allegedly, Vicky2 is to be in my possession today.


I’m taking bets as to if this will happen.


If you were smart, you’d bet against it.


Anyways, so I was talking to Derek (shoutout to Derek!) and he inspired me to write a post as to why I’m still single. This is a very complicated question, I think. It has many different explanations. So, I’ve come up with a list as to why I’m still single. As you will see, for the most part, it’s so not my fault.


1. I’m single because I’m oblivious.

Seriously, I’m like one of those cave women that has to be knocked up side the head in order to realize that a guy might like her (I do not condone domestic violence; do not get the wrong idea!). If a guy is flirting with me, I just think he’s being nice. Or that he’s flirtatious. But, I definitely don’t think he’s that into me.

Take for instance a friend of LQ’s who lives in Atlanta. He, evidently, really liked me. LQ (against my wishes) gave him my number when I was visiting Atlanta. He hung out with me and my friends while I was in Atlanta. Before I left Atlanta he called me. The conversation went something like this…


Will: “So, I really had a good time with you last night.”

Reese: “Uh-huh…yea, uh…me too…”

Will: “So, what are you doing? You sound busy.”

Reese: “I’m packing. I’ve got to get back to Ohio in time to write a paper for my Law & Psychiatry class. I swear if Lisa is late meeting me I’m going to kill her!!”

Will: “Hahaha, wow you’re funny.”

Reese: “Uhhh, thanx.”

Will: “So….”

Reese [yelling]: “Toya De, is Lisa here yet!”

Toya De [yelling back]: “No, she ain’t here yet!!”

Reese: “I swear I’m going to kill her!”

Will: “Well, you sound really busy. But, I just wanted to let you know that I had a really great time with you last night.”

Reese: “Yea, it was fun. You and Lisa seemed to hit it off pretty well.”

Will: “Well, yea, but I had fun with you too.”

Reese: “Uhh, okay, whatever. We all had a good time.”

Will: “But, I had fun with you.”

Reese: “Yea, we all had a good time. Hey, did you want to say goodbye to Toya De? I would let you talk to Lisa, but her slow behind isn’t here yet!”

Will: “No, no, just tell everyone that I said bye and I hope you all have a safe trip.”

Reese: “Cool, will do.”

Will: “So, maybe I’ll see you again?”

Reese: “Not in Atlanta. I absolutely hate Atlanta. But, you can hang out with Lisa in Atlanta.”

Will: “Oh.”

Reese: “Yea, but you know if you’re ever in Maryland, you can look me up.”

Will: “Oh, okay…”

Reese: “Cool, okay, gotta run. Thanx for calling.”

Will: “Ummm, okay. Bye.”

Reese: “Peace!”


I swear I didn’t know he wanted me to give him my number until LQ called me and yelled at me for being an idiot. Will had called her and asked her what was wrong with her friend. I think LQ said that I was just stupid. Which is about right actually.



2. I’m single because I have The List.

Let me tell you guys about The List. The List is a list that I have in my head of certain things that lead to a guy never getting into a relationship with Reese. The List protects me. The List also crosses out every man on the face of the Earth.


The List is bad.


You’ll notice that LQ gave Will my number in Atlanta against my wishes. That’s because before I ever knew Will, he was already crossed off the list as potential dating material. Why is this? Because I found out that Will was short.

Will was 5’6 ½”. If a guy is not taller than me in heels, then we can never be. This rule is on The List. Other rules on The List also include things like “never date a man who cries (except if it’s over sports or his parents died).” If he’s crying over something else, he’s up to something. And there’s other stuff too like “never say I love you first,” and “never even think of being exclusive until after 4 months of dating.”


Yea…


You have to understand, that The List is all my Mother’s fault (and she is currently in violation of The List which really makes me mad because she came up with it!). Unlike other people’s parents, my Mom started talking to me about relationships, men, and sex very early on.


Reese: Age 6

Mom: “Reese, never marry a man like your father.”

Reese: “Got it.”


Reese: Age 7

Mom: “Reese, never date a short man. Short men have complexes. Just like your father.”

Reese: “Got it.”


Reese: Age 8

Mom: “Reese, never date a man who cries. Unless it’s the Super Bowl or his Mama just died. If he cries, he’s just trying to trick you. That’s how your father tricked me.”

Reese: “Got it.”



You see what I’m saying? My mother messed me up! The List is ingrained, INGRAINED I SAY, in my mind. I’ve tried to get over the list. I’ve tried to date short men. I just can’t do it.


I need to be reprogrammed.



3. I’m single because I’m smart.

My obliviousness and The List aside, I have recently become aware of the fact that I’m also single because I’m smart.

Now, I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but guys think I’m smart. And, that is not a good thing. Evidently, when a woman is smart, she can’t be “taught” anything (yes, a man actually said this!). Evidently, instead of having a nice engaging conversation with someone, what a lot of men want is an idiot.

For example, there’s this guy that I used to like. We used to talk. It was cool. We had good conversations. I was quite sure he wasn’t interested in me, but I still thought he was cute. I knew he wasn’t interested in me when I saw who he started dating.


Cute Boy: “Oh, yea, you should go to Club Bed, that place is cool. I just took Annie there.”

Reese: “Annie? You mean the Annie that asked me if Maryland was next to Minnesota?”

Cute Boy: “Yea, she’s great.”

Reese: “I’m sure she is.”


And, I’m just saying, Annie isn’t all that. I could understand if Annie was Halle Berry, but she isn’t.



I’m just saying.



I’m only left to assume that for some guys, less is more in the brains department (actually, I’ve had many men tell me this, so it’s really not an assumption).



4. I’m single because I’m not Halle Berry.

If I was Halle Berry, I would not be single. Naturally, I blame Halle for taking all “the Halle Berry,” and all that comes with having “the Halle Berry.” If I had “the Halle Berry,” I would so not be single right now.



5. I’m single because 99% of all single men are gay.

It’s true!

Guys can be so shady about this. Of course, I did used to live near DC and I currently live near Miami (two very gay populated areas), but that’s beside the point. I’m telling you, something happened. I don’t know if someone put something in the water or if it’s just evolution. But, almost all of the single men are gay. This is why The List is so horrible. Because, there aren’t a lot of available, STRAIGHT, men out there. And, then, when I find one The List takes him out.


Man, I really have to do something about The List.


So, there you have it. The Top 5 Reasons why I’m single. As you can see, it’s so not my fault that I’m single.



Okay, The List is my Mom’s fault. And, “the Halle Berry,” is Halle Berry’s fault.



Okay, so maybe I’m a little at fault. But, it’s largely, not my fault.




You can’t blame me for this!




I hate you people.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

22 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

I hear Orlando Bloom is under 6' tall. I don't know how tall your heels are, but it might not work out.

But that's okay - according to your stats he's more than likely gay.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

BLASPHEMY!

We've discussed this before. Orlando is the only one who is not gay.

Blasphmer. ;p

12:30 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

True, if you were Halle Berry you wouldn't be single, but you WOULD be knocked upside tha head.

HA!!

Get it!

Because David "I'm a jackass" Justice used to knock her up....wait...that's not funny.

Hm.....Ill come back later.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I thought I wrote somewhere that I do not condone domestic violence.

I thought for sure I wrote that. ;)


That was kinda funny though, J. ;)

12:44 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

you hate us, but we alll love youuuu. *everyone walks towards reese with glazed over eyes and arms outstretched ready for a hug*

7:08 PM  
Blogger Miss.Q said...

HAHAH. So very true. My list is even longer than urs. I'm single because I am picky and intimdating. lol
GREAT POST!

11:05 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Hey
What's really funny about number 1 is that I was in the middle of a four year relationship at the time and WIll knew it. Of Course he wasn't interested in me. Reese is really an idiot sometimes.

Kom: I think Reese should ban you from the blog until you quit bashing my future husband Orlando

10:08 AM  
Blogger derek said...

I inspired this post...and I would still get chop-blocked by The List.

Reese, Reese, Reese...The List is bad news. Just like many men have unattainable, arbitrary standards, this is a way that women do it. It's just another thing that gets in the way of men and women (or any combination of the two) getting together.

I think it's sad that you got that from your mom. My self-esteem has taken some hits from my mom because of the issues she has with men. Let's be honest, men have done her wrong...but it's not MY fault, even if one of those men contributed 50 % of my genetic make-up.

Thanks to The List, there are probably some men that would be good for you that will be automatically eliminated.

By the way, I am only 5' 10". I started high school 5'1".

The oblivious part...that happens to me too.

As far as Halle...Halle's just Halle.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

You know guys, I'm only 5'5 1/2". I don't need a guy who's a basketball player. Just one considerably taller than me. Anything over 5'9" is good.

You know, in case ya'll were trying to hook me up with one of your cute cousins or something.


I'm just saying- I'm available. ;)


1) We love Caro here at Something Different. She is our official life coach/self-esteem booster. ;)

2) Miss Q: Oh, The List is much longer. I just didn't feel like writing the whole thing out. The List also includes things that will break a relationship up if I ever managed to get into one.

BTW, thanx for stopping by. :)

3) Lisa: Yes, I know, I was stupid. But, in all truthfullness, I wasn't ready for no boys being interested in me at the time. I was in law school. I had to study. ;)

4) Derek: Okay, yes, The List is very, very sad. I know my Mom was trying to protect me and have me learn from other people's mistakes (which is actually my motto), but some things were just wrong. I'm working on the short thing. And the crying one too- I now allow for men crying at really sad movies like "A Walk to Remember." ;)

BTW, "only 5'10" is not short. Who told you that was short?

10:37 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I have a list too! I threw some of the items out the window though...um, like the whole JOB thing...geez...I can't believe...ok, whatever anyway, he has a job NOW ok people. Oh yeah, I also let the small fact go about the 5 year age difference, but yeah, anyway. I have a list too. Sometimes you just have to ignore the list, and let yourself be happy.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Lez said...

My list:
-Must have a job
-Must have a car
-Must not live with his Momma
-Must not do drugs or drink to excess

that's basically it. i'm flexible on the height thing, cause i'm 5'7 and men seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

although the brevity of my list doesn't seem to affect the fact that i'm still single too... oh well...

11:50 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

EVERYTHING should be blamed on Halle Berry

12:45 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

"This Girl" is now my new best friend. Like I said, this is all Halle's fault.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Deshaun said...

I don't know too many guys who are 5'6 1/2"! Thats pretty short for a dude.

And the thing about guys wanting someone stupid, is kind of true for some of us. Not me of course, I happen to love smart women and hate women that are simple and can't think for them self. I've been in a few relationships with girls that lack basic common sense and they were pretty rough.

And what, "gay"! I'm single right now and i'm not gay! :-)

3:49 PM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

ok I finally got a look at that Rolando Boomer lol ooops Orlando Bloom lol... so thats your man huh???

lol @ him being gay eh? I'm cracking up @ kom.

5:03 PM  
Blogger derek said...

I agree with deshaun.

I love smart women. They can, as Akeem from Coming to America said, can stimulate my intellect as well as my loins.

It sounded better when Eddie said it.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

So it must be singles week here on blogger. I think ever women has a "list".

I think we should have a single's group here on blogger that way we can make fun of all those couples.

11:48 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Alright, I'm making a few of declarations:

1) The guys who are single and read my blog and who like girls, are not gay. You are officially that 1% of single men in the world who are straight. ;)

2) The guys who are single and read my blog and who like girls, do actually like smart girls (or so they say, I just think they're trying to impress the ladies; tricksters, tricksters they are!)

3) Kom and Envizable are now on my List (the other List; the scary one) due to their blashpemy of Orlando Bloom.

4) Bonus points go to Deshaun and Derek. Deshaun gets points because he agreed with me about the short thing. Derek gets points for the Coming to America reference (I'll give big ups to the person who can sing "She's Your Queen to Be," in its entirety ;)).

5) Karla has an excellent idea. A Hater Blog should be started. I'm in if someone actually starts it. ;)

9:11 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I came back to read some more of this silly thing.

My own personal (and sometimes taken as offensive) view is...there is NOTHING more useless than a stupid woman.

*ugh* If I hear one more *giggle*giggle* "Duh" voiced, phuc-ing woman I'll friggin scream.

There's a woman where I work, and I cvan't figure out how that hell she finds her damn feet to put her shoes on in the morning let alone find her way to work. SHe irritates me by merely existing. Damn stupid broad.

Sorry.

Don't get me started.

10:17 AM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

Wow. I'd say it again but Derek is 100% right. The concept of this kind of list is a subtle underlying theme in the post you commented on.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

True, but one list is no better than any other. I notice lists that men have, including on your blog, which basically amount to women providing sex, food, silence, and appropriate entertainment.

We ALL have some version of a "list." Maybe it's just human nature?

11:28 PM  
Blogger Dizzy said...

That was a pretty interesting List!! I don't particularly agree with your list, but who the hell am I! I kind of, sort of, have a thing for taller girls, or above average height...say 5'10", six feet is probably too tall considering I'm only 5'9! Maybe that's why I'm single, because of all the tall women, are basketball players and we know that 90% of them are lesbians!! Hey Sheryl Swoopes just killed my fantasy of her and Lisa Leslie...then again!!!

6:36 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home