Monday, October 30, 2006

Horrible Machinations of Torture

I went to the Girlie Doctor the other day. For the sake of the boys who read this, I will be as a vague as possible. I know how boys can’t stand reading, learning, or otherwise entertaining anything that has to do with the inner workings of female anatomy.

By the way, you boys really need to grow up. I mean how the hell do you think you ended up on this planet anyways? Whatever.

Reese: [nervous and staring at Dr. Girlie’s instruments of death]

Dr. Girlie: “Well, hello Reese.”

Reese: “Hey.”

Dr. Girlie [prepping for his 5 minutes of torture]: “Reese, I can’t help but see that you are not ready at all for your examination…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination…”

Dr. G: “…Reese you know what the drill is when you come here…”

Reese: “Okay, but if you would just listen to me…”

Dr. G: “…you have to undress, sit on the examination table, feet in stirrups…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination!!!”

Dr. G [holding horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, if you would please stop wasting my time…”

Reese: “OH MY GOD…”

Dr. G [waving horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, c’mon now- let’s be an adult…”


Dr. G [pointing horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m a very busy doctor and I don’t have time for this…”

Reese [attempts reasoning with Dr. G]: “Yes, which is why you should listen to me. I don’t need an examination!”

Dr. G: “What is it this time, Reese? Are you going to tell me that you know you’re okay and if I just sign a notarized statement saying you’re okay to give to your mother and Lisa so that they will stop harassing you to come see me then you’ll be on your way?”

Reese: “No, no…”

Dr. G [approaching Reese with horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m getting very upset…”


Dr. G: “What?”

Reese: “The pill. I just came to get on the pill. I just need a prescription and then I’m gone!”

Dr. G: “Oh.”

Reese: “Could you put away the horrible machination of torture… now…please…”

Dr. G: “I really wish you would stop calling my medically necessary instruments ‘machinations of torture.’”

Reese: “I really wish you would stop calling your machinations of torture ‘medically necessary instruments.’”

Dr. G: “Okay, Reese, let’s make this quick. You want to go on the pill because of what? You’re currently sexually active?”

Reese: “No.”

Dr. G: “Okay, because you expect to be sexually active soon?”

Reese: “Eh, not really, no.”

Dr. G: “Because you want to regulate your visitor**?”

Reese: “No, not exactly…”

Dr. G: “So you want to start taking medication for no reason, Reese?”

Reese: “Well, okay, if I had to pick, it would be for reason #3.”

Dr. G: “You never told me you had an irregular visitor.”

Reese: “I don’t.”

Dr. G [sighs heavily]: “Reese…”

Reese: “Dr. G, I don’t want it anymore.”

Dr. G: “Don’t want what?”

Reese: “A visitor. I don’t want a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G: “Soooo…what you really want is a hysterectomy?”

Reese: “Noooooo!! I just want the pill so I won’t have a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese, why do you do this to me?”

Reese: “Because I like you Dr. G and I feel comfortable in asking you these things.”

Dr. G: “Reese, that’s not how the pill works.”

Reese: “Okay, yes that’s not how the pill technically works. BUT, if I skipped the placebos…”

Dr. G: “Ohhh, god…”

Reese: “…then I would never have a visitor.”

Dr. G: “Reese…”

Reese: “Tah-dah! Problem solved!”

Dr. G: “Reese, do you want to feel like a miserable, bloated whale for the rest of your life?”

Reese: “Ummm…no.”


Reese: “Really?”

Dr. G: “Yes, really!”

Reese: “Man, that really sucks Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, I guess it does.”

“Now, Reese, I’m still going to give you a prescription for the pill because it will help so that your visitor doesn’t stay around so long. Also, it will make sure that you NEVER procreate. I just don’t know what I would do if there were spawns of you running around, Reese.”

Reese: “You and me both, Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, now take these pills. Get the prescription filled for more. And don’t come back here again until next year when it’s time for your annual exam again.”

Reese: “What?!? You mean I gotta come back for that torture session again next year?!?!”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese…”

Reese: “I was just here doing that! When you’re as young as me you only have to come once every 10 years or something, right?!?”

Dr. G: “You know what, Reese? For you, it should be once every 10 years- then I wouldn’t have to deal with your craziness but only for once a decade.”

Reese: “So, I’ll see you in 2016?”

Dr. G: “I would say yes, but when your uterus ends up upside down and backwards you would probably sue me.”

Reese: “This is true. I mean, it is your job to take care of me.”

Dr. G: “Yes, unfortunately.”

Reese: “Yup.”

Dr. G: “Next April, Reese. I’ll be calling you personally to remind you.”

Reese: “Ehh…sure….”

Dr. G: [major heavy sigh]

Reese: “Dr. G, could you do me a favor between now and next April?”

Dr. G: “No.”

Reese: “Could you invent something so that the exam isn’t so…how can I say this…the most painful and torturous experience ever bestowed intentionally upon a human being?”

Dr. G: “Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Dr. G [picking up horrible machination of torture and pointing it threateningly]: “If you don’t leave my office right now…”

Reese [running out the door]: “BYE!!!”

Dr. G [heavy sigh]: “I so have to pawn her off to another Girlie doctor.”

**That’s for you boys. You know what a “visitor” is. Now get over it!**

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Slowin' Down

Hi, all!

Well, if you haven't noticed, I haven't posted anything new in over a week. That's because I'm not really up on blogging like I used to be. And, while I am not ending this blog, I am announcing that I will no longer be posting regularly anymore.

I basically started Something Different because I was bored. Although I enjoyed writing research papers and legal opinions and other material I'm sure you would find boring, I was never much of a creative writer. But, then I was bored and weirdly-employed so I decided to start writing some things that were stuck in my head. Thus, SD was born.

I've had this blog for almost two years now. And, I've written so much. I never realized I could pull off something like this for so long. And then to have people actually enjoy it was super awesome. So, you know, thanx for feeding my ego for so long, I do appreciate it. ;)

But, now I'm actually going to be fully committed to writing this book I have in my head. I'm not expecting anything big to happen after I write the book, but you know a $500,000 signing bonus, another $500,000 movie option rights, and Orlando Bloom as my date to the Oscars to celebrate my screenwriting nomination would be kind of nice.

Anyways, like I said, SD is NOT ending. It's just not going to be updated as much as it was in the past (so I strongly suggest subscribing to SD using the subscription service located on the sidebar). I will keep you informed on how the book is going. I've got two chapters so far, although I'm thinking of re-writing the first one.

Eh, what can I say? It's a labor of love.

Anyhoo, just keeping you up to date. Again, thanx for reading all of my crap for the last two years. It's been fun. :)

Friday, October 06, 2006

3 Bongs

I'm off to LQ's wedding. Pictures forthcoming (only if I look good).

In the meantime, here's a classic scene from Facts of Life.

Remember kids, drugs are bad. Just say no.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Off Hiatus...For the Moment

Well, well, well…

I’m back.

For the moment.

I still haven’t fixed Vicky3, but I do have a new PC card. So, hopefully Vicky3 won’t fry this PC card before I get her fixed. Send a kind plea to Vicky3 for her to behave for me.

In other news, I have a question…

What does it mean when a guy you know does something totally random like, say for instance, comes up from behind you (get your mind out of the gutter) and then surprises you by slightly running his fingers through your hair and then says “Oh, hahaha you knew it was me.”

What the hell? What the hell was that? It was like totally random and I feel uncomfortable because I just don’t like people touching my hair like that. I mean sure it’s soft and fabulous and smells nice, but you know guys shouldn’t be just running their fingers through your hair like that. I mean, you should really get permission before you do something like that.

My hair feels violated. Which is really weird because it’s not like hair guy is creepy or anything, I just feel like that was a totally random thing to do. Also, I had to fix my hair afterwards because he messed it up. I was also really upset about that.

In other hair news, Solaris is no longer my stylist. I go to the same salon, but now this chick name Kathy does it. She’s so awesome! She’s white (I mean, really white, not Christina Aguleria/Latina white) and she’s from Oklahoma! Can you believe that? A white girl from Oklahoma can do black hair like no one’s business! Man, you white girls never cease to amaze me!

Okay, well, anyways it’s late, I’m old, and I need some sleep. This weekend is LQ’s wedding, so pictures will be coming soon. Yeah!

Anyway, I’m out. Peace!