Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Scary Quizzes

ColorQuiz.comReese took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Sets herself idealistic but illusory goals. Has be..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.






So, this is another quiz I stole. I think I took this one from Caro. You don't have to click on the link above. Here's the short and sweet of my results below. And, let me just say this about my results...


Scary.



That's all I have to say. Enjoy getting to know the inner workings of Reese the Law Girl.




Your Existing Situation

Exercises initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. Either holds, or wishes to achieve, a position of authority in which control can be exerted over events.


Your Stress Sources

An emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly, has proved deeply disappointing, and is now regarded as a depressing tie. While on one hand, she would like to free herself from this attachment altogether, yet, on the other, she does not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory emotions aggravate her to such an extent that she tries to suppress them beneath an aloof and severe attitude.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations. Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though she tries to avoid open conflict (HA!).


Your Desired Objective

Sets herself idealistic but illusory goals. Has been bitterly disappointed and turns her back on life in a weary self-disgust. Wants to forget it all and recover in a comfortable, problem-free situation.


Your Actual Problem

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and feel more contented.


Your Actual Problem #2

Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional needs, have produced considerable stress. She tries to escape from these into a conflict-free security in which she can relax and recover.

------------------------

So, this is why I'm always trying to go on vacation? Interesting...

Friday, September 23, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 121 to Day 151


A “Love”-ly Christmas Present




Reese: “Can’t someone narrate this story for me? I’m busy!”

Everyone Else: “BUSY?!?!”

CC: “I’ll tell you what busy is fool! Busy is studying for the CPA exam!!”

Poor Working Girl: “No, busy is trying to save the Ancient Land Far, Far Away!!”

Karma: “Nooo, busy is dealing with this Hurricane Rita situation!!”

Rita: “Bitch, please! Busy is being a hurricane in the first place. I’ll show Katrina- always trying to get the attention!!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “You are all wrong. For busy is training an incompetent heroine.”

Poor Working Girl: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Reese: “Well, someone has to do this for me.”

Rita: “Be-otch, I don’t have to do anything but be a hurricane and die.”

Reese: “Isn’t there someone…”

DJ: “YO, YO, YO, REESE!!”

Reese: “Someone…”

DJ: “YO, YO, REESE! I’LL TELL THIS STORY FOR YOU, SON!!”

Reese: “Anyone who can narrate for me??”

DJ: “WAZ UP, REESE?!?! YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING!?!? DAMN, YOU AN ANNOYING MOTHER [insert bad word]!!! I SAID I WOULD DO THE DAMN THING!!”

Reese: “Oh, fine! I’ll do it myself.”

DJ: “YO, REESE…”



Hello, everyone. And welcome to your next, long-awaited installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.


Umm, you do remember this segment don’t you? It’s the story of Lisa and Mike and their inevitable break-up. You know, we laugh at their insanity?


Remember now?


Yea, good times. Good times.


Okay, so when we last left off Lisa and Mike were fighting about something. I’m not quite sure what it was, but it doesn’t really matter. Because, despite the fight that never really happened, Lisa has decided that now is the time.


That today is the day.


That, on one very special day, she will give Mike the greatest Christmas present a girl can give her boyfriend.



No, it’s not sex. Lisa gave that gift fairly early, remember?



No, it’s the gift…



…of LOVE.



Say it with me, ya’ll…



“AWWWWWW!!!”




Alright, so Lisa has a really good plan to tell Mike that she loves him. She told me all about it last winter…



Lisa: “Merry Christmas, Negro!!!”

Reese: “You mean, Ra-mas? You know I don’t celebrate Christmas.”

Lisa: “Oh, Reese. Do you have to take a “stand” on everything?”

Reese: “God forsaken, miserable holiday!”

Lisa: “Today, Reese, you will be visited by 3 spirits…”

Reese: “Joke all you want, but I’m getting brownie points from God for not celebrating Ra-mas. You’ll see. You’ll ALL see!!!”

Lisa: “Cue manic laughter…”

Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Lisa: “Predicting everyone’s demise again, are you Reese?”

Reese: “MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “Are you done yet?”

Reese: “Just once more.”

Lisa: “Fine.”

Reese: “MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, I have to tell you something.”

Reese: “What?”

Lisa: “I’m in love with Mike.”

Reese: [silence]

Lisa: “Hello?”

Reese: “AAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “What’s so funny?!?!”

Reese: “You’re in love with Mike?”

Lisa: “Yea.”

Reese: “Okay, whatever.”

Lisa: “What, you think I’m incapable of love?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Lisa: “See, I don’t know why I even talk to you about these things!!!”

Reese: “Uh-huh. So, have you told Mike this immense untruth yet?”

Lisa: “NO! It’s not an untruth. AND, I’m going to tell him for his Christmas present. It’s going to be perfect.”

Reese: “You’re going to tell Mike you love him for Christmas?”

Lisa: “Yeah!”

Reese: “But, you don’t celebrate Christmas. You’re one of them Islams.”

Lisa: “I DO celebrate Christmas.”

Reese: “Do the Islams-in-Charge know that?”

Lisa: “Christmas is not a holiday associated with religion in any way now. It’s completely corporate. On top of that, MUSLIMS do believe in Jesus, you know?”

Reese: [silence]

Lisa: “Hello?”

Reese: “I’m going to tell the Islams-in-Charge that you’re celebrating Christmas.”

Lisa: “I hate you, Reese.”

Reese [teasing]: “You’re gonna get kicked out of Mecca! Nah-nah-nee-boo-boo!!!”

Lisa: “There’s so much wrong with what you just said.”

Reese: “No more Mecca for you, terrorist.”

Lisa: “I truly, truly hate you.”

Reese: “Hehehehehehe!”

Lisa: “It’s not funny!!!”

Reese: “Yes, it is! Because it’s so easy to mess with you. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “Goodbye, Reese.”

Reese: “Hehehehehe, bye.”

Lisa: “Oh, and I’m never speaking to you again.”

Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Lisa: “I hate you!”



Yea, so this was the story of how Lisa got kicked out of Mecca.



No, wait. That’s not the story I was telling.



Oh, okay, this was the first part of the story of how Lisa told Mike that she loved him.



Here’s the second part…



So, Lisa had it all planned out. She and Mike would have a nice, pre-Christmas dinner together. And, then, when they exchanged gifts, she would look into Mike’s eyes, tenderly touch his face, and then say those 3 Damming Words.



Disgusting, I know.



Mike: “So, Lisa, here are your gifts. No peaking until Christmas. I hope you like what I got for you.”

Lisa: “And, Mike here’s what I got for you. Oh, and one more thing…”

Mike: “What’s that?”

Lisa [looking into Mike’s eyes]: “Well, we’ve been dating for a while…”

Mike: “Uh-huh…”

Lisa [tenderly touching Mike’s face]: “…and, we’ve grown so close. So, for Christmas, I thought you should know…”

“I Love You.”


Mike: “I know. You told me a couple of weeks ago.”

Lisa: “WHAT!?!?”



!!!REWIND!!!!



A Couple of Weeks Ago…


Mike: “Alright, Lisa, I’m off to work. See ya.”

Lisa [getting dressed for work- not paying attention to what she’s saying]: “Okay, Mike. I love ya’.”

Mike [stops in his tracks]: “What?!?!”

Lisa: “I said, ‘bye’.”

Mike [with a huge grin on his face]: “Okay. Love you too. Bye!”

Lisa: “What?”




!!!FAST FORWARD!!!


Lisa: “Wow. I totally don’t remember that!”

Mike: “Well, you said it. Actually, you’ve said it several times, now. Like, when I brought your Netflix DVD’s in the house…”


Lisa: “Oh, love ya' for that, thanx.”



Mike: “Or when we were playing on your PS2…”


Lisa: “I love you for being so horrible at video games, Mike.”



Mike: “And, of course, during, well…”


Lisa: “I LOOOOVVVVEEEE YOOOUUUUU!!!!”



Mike: “But, I didn’t count the times during…you know…”

Lisa: “Wow. That’s amazing. I don’t even remember any of these times.”

Mike: “Yea, I figured as much. But, it still meant a lot to me.”

Lisa: “Hmmph? Well, whatever.”

Mike: “So, does that mean I get an extra Christmas present since you already told me you love me a couple of weeks ago?”

Lisa: “No, it just means that I have extra money to buy anime.”

Mike: “Yea, I thought so.”

Lisa: “And, you know me well.”



Awwwwww….



What a wonderful load of crap.



Makes you feel all warm and tingly or something.



Okay, folks, tune in next time for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 152 to Day 202. A Turn for the Worse.





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I Survived!!!

Well, I made it through the hurricane. It wasn’t so bad. Some wind, some rain. The lights flickered. That’s about all.



Unfortunately, some of the rations didn’t make it through the storm…



Here’s a tribute to those rations that were lost…



6 bottles of water

1 stack of saltines

Several caramel rice crackers

1 can of Publix Chicken and Dumplings Soup (it was actually not eaten as it was gross)

All of the Vrootman Zeer-ohs

3 Green Apple Smirnoffs



[sobbing] I’LL MISS YOU RATIONS!!



Now, if everyone will excuse me, my stomach hurts. I have to go puke.



Ughhhhhh….

Monday, September 19, 2005

A Hurricane's A Comin'!!!

SAVE ME!!


SAVE ME!!


This is not to be confused with an SOS I may issue after tomorrow.


So, some be-otch named Rita has decided to come and threaten my life. I’m not really surprised- I have a lot of enemies. But, this has to be the most dangerous enemy I’ve had to date.


On the plus side, having Rita as an enemy got me out of work early today (1:30pm- Yea!!).


On the other hand…


IT’S A BLODDY HURRICANE!!!!!


Okay, I’m not going to panic. I am totally prepared for Rita. I went and got some gas (HAHA!! to all you suckers who are getting gas now- there ain’t none left!!!).


Then I went to Cingular and got a car charger for my cell phone. So, if I lose electricity, I can use my car to charge my phone.


I know, I’m brilliant.


Then, I went to the grocery store.


Sigh.


This was such a pain. First of all, there were a ton of people there! It was like a mad house. I don’t know why people think that civilization ends after being abandoned by the government after a hurricane hits. Seriously, civilization ends during the hurricane watch…


Random Grocery-Store Customer #1: “Get the hell off my ice!!!”

Random Grocery-Store Customer #2: “THAT’S MY #$%&*@! ICE!!!!!!”

Random Grocery-Store Customer #3: “I DON’T KNOW, AND I DON’T CARE WHOSE ICE IT IS, BUT YOU TWO BETTER MAKE WAY SO I CAN GET MY HO-HO’S!!!!!”


Yea, so far, it’s not looking good for civilization people.


So, the second pain of going to the grocery store is the fact that I didn’t have a clue as to what to buy. So, naturally, instead of calling my new friends in Miami, I called “Lisa”…


Reese: “Dude, what am I supposed to buy for food?”

Lisa: “Oh, #$%&!!! I can’t believe how much U-haul is charging for a rental truck!!!!”

Reese: “Ummm, hello? Impending doom about to hit Reese’s backyard- I could use some advice…”

Lisa: “$%&*@#$ cheating bastards!!!”

Reese: “You know what? You’re no help at all.”

Lisa: “What? Did you say something?”



Yea, so this is what I bought at the grocery store. I think I’m well prepared…


Ahem…


1 Large Case of 24 Individual Bottles of Water

3 Cans of Publix Chicken & Dumplings Soup

2 Cans of Progressive Chicken & Wild Rice Soup

2 Cans of Progressive Steak & Noodles Soup

2 Boxes of Publix Saltines

1 Bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing

1 Package of Vrootman Zeer-ohs (that’s like Oreos, but no Trans-fat or Sugar- mmmm, yummy, I know)

1 Package of Vrootman Chocolate Chip Cookies (also no Trans-fat or Sugar- no one can say I wasn’t TRYING to eat healthy during the hurricane)

1 Package of Caramel Rice Cakes (this is another purchase that makes me feel like I’m doing a good job eating healthy)

1 Case of Green Apple Smirnoff (the way I figure it, the power is going to go out, so I’m going to need some entertainment- namely, me losing my sobriety)

1 Large First-Aid Kit (for whatever happens to me as a result of drinking a case of Smirnoff)


Alright, so I am ready.


Hopefully, the hurricane won’t come.




But, if she does…




Pray for me, ya’ll.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

My Ideal Relationship

Your Ideal Relationship is Casual Dating

Maybe you're looking for love...
But mostly you're looking for fun.
You could get serious with the right person.
For now, though, you're enjoying playing the field.



What field?



Where's the field?



WHERE'S THE DAMN FIELD?!?!?!



Stupid blog quiz!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

For Envizable (And All You Other Confused Brothers ;)

So, I was at Envizable's site and I saw his post about nice guys finishing last. Now, I have met many a man who believed this "fact" about women. And, it's completely and totally not true. So, in order to demystify you boys, I am about to give away the biggest secret of all time. Something that women have known for years, but, for whatever reason, you guys haven't figured out yet.


Nice guys do not finish last.


But, confident men always win.


Yes, the key here isn't that the guy is a jerk. It's that he's confident. He's probably more confident than the nice guy who stammers and stutters his way through a conversation with some chick. And, therein lies the difference.

Nobody wants to be with someone who doubts themselves constantly. This is especially true for women. They want someone who can stand on their own two feet and stand up for their girl at the same time. No, they don't want a mean person, but they do want a man who is sure of himself. Now, while it's true that some women mistake jerkiness for confidence, what most women want is a nice guy who believes in himself.


So, you don't believe me? Well, I refer you to two movies to prove my point:


1. The Man in the Iron Mask

Who was cuter ladies? Bad Leo or Good Leo? Both parts were played by the Super Fine Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio. But, why did all of the women reading this just answer my question with "Bad Leo?" It's not because Leo was bad, I assure you. It's because Bad Leo wasn't no punk! He knew what he wanted. He went after it. His high level of confidence was HOT!


Really, really, really hot!!


Yea...


Okay, getting back to my point. I would never want to have a long-term relationship with Bad Leo from that movie. I don't confuse jerkiness with confidence. But, I do recognize that the confidence that character possessed was really, really, really hot.


2. Sugar and Spice

This is a little known dark comedy which proves my point that nice, confident guys are very sexy. In this movie, the hot boy in question plays an 18 year old boy who gets his girlfriend pregnant. He totally steps up to support his girlfriend and their new baby. When his co-workers ask him if he's going to go out and pick up other girls, he states "Guys, I can't do that. I'm gonna be a Dad now!"


Wow.


Again, confident. Which equals sexy. Nice, which is also sexy in my book. But, confident in his niceness. Which equals, what? Say it with me...


"SEXY!"


So, do you guys see what I'm saying here? Women do actually like nice. But, you have to be sure of yourself. Not a jerk. Just know that you actually like yourself the way you are. And, that you're willing to share that with someone else. Be proud (not arrogant!) of who you are. I guarantee the nice, confident boy has no problems picking up girls.


Okay, so I hope that helped all you boys out. Also, if you're still having problems picking up girls, it might help if you were rich. Go win the lottery or something. I've been told that rich boys don't have trouble picking up girls. ;)



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Reese's First Day

As Told by Poor Working Girl…



You know, it’s not like I don’t have my own work to do. I’m only trying to save the world, you know? But, of course, Reese is good friends with Ancient Chinese Master, and of course, he passes on any and all stupid chores to me, so now I’m stuck telling you about Reese’s first day of work.


Whatever.


So, first Reese had to wake up really early to take her mother, who helped her move, to the airport. Reese, of course, complained the whole time that she had to wake up extra early to get to the airport that was a whopping 15 minutes away from her luxury mansion.


What a punk! Do you know what kind of trek I had to do before my first day of work? Ancient Chinese Master called it an inner spiritual journey. I call it driving Ancient Chinese Master all over the Ancient Land Far, Far, Away to find the specific type of Colgate he has to use to brush his teeth!! I mean, do you actually have to use Tarter Control, Whitening, Winter Mint, Scrubbing Flecks toothpaste?!?! I mean, really!! Oh, but poor Reese for having to drive her Mom to the airport.


Poor, poor, stupid Reese.


Whatever.


So, then Reese had to navigate Miami “traffic” to get to work. Of course she complained about that too. But, Miami “traffic” is no where near as bad as the Beltway Reese usually drives on. And, don’t get me started on the traffic in an Ancient Land, Far, Far Away. I have to dodge gremlins, and trolls, and vampires to get to work. Oh, but, vampires are no big deal, of course. I mean, they only want your blood, right?


Yes, that was bitter sarcasm.


Reese finally arrived at work in her grand sky scraper office building. She, of course, complained that there was no security. That she felt at risk of an “attack.”


Psshf!! She doesn’t know what real security is until she has to defeat an Over-Zealous Security Guard.


Yea, so, Reese met her co-workers. They were all much older than Reese. And, there were no super cute boys. You all know Reese better than I do. So, you know that she wasn’t happy about that.


She should be happy that there are even human boys where she works. Do you know how many gargoyles hit on me on a daily basis?


Yea, this chick is really starting to annoy me.


Alright, let me finish this quickly. I have a new boss I have to defeat. I don’t have time to talk about Reese’s “problems.”


So, Reese met all of the other attorneys, had lunch with them, hung out with them, and then complained about had to pay $6.00 for parking all day and the drive home through “traffic.”


Yea, I know, the day was oh, so horrible.


I can’t stand her either.


So, whatever. Now you know what Reese was up to. Hopefully, Reese will get back to the real, important stories soon.


Like mine!


Oh, and “Lisa’s.” Her story is alright too, I guess.


But, not Reese’s.


DON’T NOBODY CARE ABOUT YOUR STORY, REESE!!!


Yea, so that’s it. I guess I won’t be seeing you all at Ancient Chinese Master’s house party this weekend that I was not invited too.


What a [insert bad word] bastard!!!!


Pshff!!!


I hate my life.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Something Different Exclusive: Interview with a Hurricane

DISCLAIMER: The following is a satirical look at the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. This is a very serious catastrophe and I, in no way, take it lightly. But, I was inspired by various comments I’ve heard and read from people everywhere and I had the sudden urge to write this. I wrestled with the idea that maybe it was too soon to post this or that this was in bad taste. I sincerely hope that you all get it and are not offended. Offense was definitely not the intent.

-------------------------------------------



We interrupt the previous post about Reese’s first day of work, to bring you a Something Different (SD) Exclusive.

After a much dogged pursuit, SD was able to secure an interview with Hurricane Katrina, herself. We sent our Emmy-winning reporter, Karma, out to conduct the interview.

And now, Katrina’s side of the story….




Karma: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today, you are witness to a historic event. You will actually get to hear, from the hurricane’s own mouth, what exactly happened last week on the Gulf Coast of the US from the murderer…”

Katrina: “I am not a murderer…”

Karma: “…the murderer herself. Welcome, Hurricane Katrina.”

Katrina: “Actually, from this point on, I’d like to be called the Hurricane Formerly Known as Katrina.”

Karma: “Are you serious?”

Katrina: “Yes.”

Karma: “How about if I just call you ‘Katrina?’”

Katrina: “Ms. Katrina- if you’re a nasty hurricane.”

Karma: “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

Katrina: “Yea, you know like Janet Jackson’s song ‘Nasty Boys,’ where she says call her “Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.” So, instead of Ms. Jackson…”

Karma: “Okay, just stop…”

Katrina: “I said, Ms. Katrina- if you’re a nasty hurricane. Funny, huh?”

Karma: “No, not really.”

Katrina: “Hey, say it’s funny or I’ll blow your house down.”

Karma: “Is that supposed to be a joke, too?”

Katrina: “Yes.”

Karma: “It’s not funny.”

Katrina: “Well, sorry, Ms. Reap What You Sow.”

Karma: “Katrina, let’s get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? Why did you devastate the Gulf Coast last week?”

Katrina: “Well, basically it was a dare.”

Karma: “A dare?”

Katrina: “See, last year the BH3...”

Karma: “Who are the BH3?”

Katrina: “You know, the Beautiful Hurricanes 3- Ivan, Frances, and Charley?”

Karma: “Ohhhhh…”

Katrina: “Yea, the BH3 dared me to be the biggest, baddest hurricane to hit the US. “

Karma: “Really?”

Katrina: “Yea, so of course, I ain’t no punk! So, I had to accept the dare.”

Karma: “Uh-huh. So, tell us, how does one become the “baddest” hurricane ever? Who were your influences?”

Katrina: “Well, of course there was Camile.”

Karma: “Of course.”

Katrina: “And then there was my big brother Andrew.”

Karma: “Hurricane Andrew was your big brother?”

Katrina: “Oh, yea, our parents were green house gas effects and unusually warm ocean temperatures.”

Karma: “Get out! I did not know that green house gas effects and unusually warm ocean temperatures were your parents!”

Katrina: “You didn’t know? But, you’ve done so much work with my parents?!?!”

Karma: “You know, you work with people for years, but do you really know them? I mean, really?”

Katrina: “Yea, I know what you mean. You’d think Hurricane Hugo and Andrew would have been good friends, but no. Didn’t care to get to know each other.”

Karma: “So, you wanted to win the dare?”

Katrina: “Yea.”

Karma: “Well, I think you accomplished your goal.”

Katrina: “Not really. I stumbled late in the game and lost my concentration.”

Karma: “Are you talking about when you were downgraded from a Category 5 hurricane to a Category 4 hurricane?”

Katrina: “Yea, a bit stupid on my part.”

Karma: “What happened?”

Katrina: “Well, I had just hit Miami, Florida. I had decided to just give them a taste of what I could do. You know, like how Ebola was just a precursor to the AIDS virus?”

Karma: “Right.”

Katrina: “Yea, so I get in the gulf coast. I start lifting weights, whatever, getting really big, you know? Then, I’m finally at full strength, although several miles away from the coast.”

Karma: “Yea…”

Katrina: “And, I’m churning away, getting closer and closer, and I notice something- the humans. They’re not leaving!”

Karma: “What do you mean?”

Katrina: “I mean, some people saw me coming and left, but there were thousands that were just sitting there. No one was getting them out of town! It was so funny to me. I just started laughing uncontrollably. Next thing you know, I had laughed myself to the east and lost some of my wind.”

Karma: “Bummer.”

Katrina: “I know!”

Karma: “So, you were initially aiming for New Orleans, then?”

Katrina: “Yea, I mean, I had to hit New Orleans. I just HAD to!”

Karma: “Why?”

Katrina: “Because, the city is in a freakin’ bowl! A BOWL! It’s in a BOWL! It’s like the city WANTED me to come. It practically rolled out the red carpet.”

Karma: “Hmmm, and what about the city’s protection? The levees?”

Katrina: “Not my fault.”

Karma: “What!?!?”

Katrina: “Hey, I’m just wind and rain and a couple of tornados. You can’t blame me for the levees breaking.”

Karma: “Katrina, that doesn’t make any sense!!!”

Katrina: “Sure it does. How was I supposed to know the levees would break?!?!”

Karma: “But, everyone knows the levees could only withstand a Category 3 storm!”

Katrina: “Yea.”

Karma: “And you were a Category 5/4 storm. So, of course the levees broke!!”

Katrina: “Not my fault.”

Karma: “Katrina…”

Katrina: “You know who’s fault all of this is?”

Karma: “Whose?”

Katrina: “The looters.”

Karma: “Oh, Katrina…”

Katrina: “I mean, it’s just DEPLORABLE! People stealing flat screen televisions. Those televisions don’t belong to you people!!”

Karma: “Well, that’s true.”

Katrina: “Yea, I mean, how awful. With all those people suffering and then here comes some thugs stealing stuff like flat screen T.V.’s.”

Karma: “It is morally abhorrent!”

Katrina: “Exactly!”

Karma: “Yea, I mean, I didn’t get the chance to steal of flat screen T.V.!”

Katrina: “I know!”

Karma: “And, another thing…”

Katrina: “Yea…”

Karma: “Well, I hate those people who…”

Katrina: “Yea…”

Karma: “Hey, wait a minute!”

Katrina: “What?”

Karma: “Katrina, you’re trying to trick me!”

Katrina [with a southern belle accent]: “Why, whatever do you mean? I’m just an innocent little hurricane!”

Karma: “Katrina, are you trying to divert attention away from your obvious fault so that you don’t get blamed and, at the same time, make yourself feel better by alluding that the humans suffering deserve what they are getting?”

Katrina: [silence]

Karma: “Katrina?!?!”

Katrina: “Oh, alright, chica you got me! Man, you are just too quick Karma!”

Karma: “What can I say? I see right through the crap.”

Katrina: “Yea, well, I still say this isn’t my fault.”

Karma: “Well, people really shouldn’t be blaming anyone right now. We need to focus on helping the refugees.”

Katrina: “Plus, by not focusing on it now, in the future, when everyone does want to focus on it, I can conveniently tell everyone that my actions were in the past and that we need to move on to a brighter future.”

Karma: “Katrina, can I ask you something?”

Katrina: “Sure.”

Karma: “Are you a bitch?”

Katrina: “Well, I was voted Most Likely to Destroy the Gulf Coast and Cripple the U.S. Economy in a Bitch-Like Manner.”

Karma: “And, that’s something to be proud of, I guess.”

Katrina: “Sure is.”

Karma: “Well, Katrina, I would like to thank you for talking to us today.”

Katrina: “No problem.”

Karma: “Of course, what goes around comes around, and God did instruct me to turn you into your present state- vapor.”

Katrina [in fake Austrian accent]: “I’ll Be Bach!”

Karma: “Right.”

“Well, it’s been real informative for me, folks. I hope it has been for you. Tune in next time when we interview another disaster waiting to happen. This is your diligent reporter, Karma, signing off.”



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I'm Back!!

Eh, well sort of.


Wow, what a week! I think I have experienced every emotion that's possible this week. Apprehension, excitement, dread, sadness, hopefulness, and anger. I'm currently on an anger kick, but you'll have to go somewhere else to read about that.


So, I'm officially moving into my new digs tomorrow. Remember when I said I was only going to hang out with rich people from now on? Well, my proclamation has come true.


I'm moving into a very lush (read: LUSH) home, in a gated community, in a rich suburb of Miami. It's actually a roommate situation, but it's all good. I have my own MASTER bedroom, with 2 (read: TWO) walk in closets, and a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi (read: RICH PEOPLE BATH TUB). My room has its own separate entrance and the rent is all utilities, including cable (read: Reese's Boyfriend) included.


Yes, that's right. I got the hook-up!


Hooray, for Reese!!!


I'm living with rich people, ya'll! I'm moving on up! To the east side. In a deluxe apartment in the sky-high-high!


Okay, now I'm just being an idiot.


Anyways, I'm glad that I'm finally getting settled into my new digs. I haven't started my new job yet, although I'm hopeful that I will actually like my new co-workers. I spoke with one the other day. He was giving me advice on where to move...


Jack: "Basically, don't live in Miami unless you want to die."

Reese: "Don't live in Miami- death. Got it."

Jack: "Cool, so I'll see you Tuesday?"

Reese: "Tuesday it is."

Jack: "Great. Can't wait to take you down to our Happy Hour. That's the highlight of the work week!"

Reese: "Ya'll have a happy hour?"

Jack: "We're attorneys. We have to drink. In fact, it's required by the Florida state bar."

Reese: "Get out!"

Jack: "I kid you not."

Reese: "Wow."

Jack: "Tuesday, get prepared to get wasted!"

Reese: "Alright!"



Okay, okay, it didn't actually happen like that. But, they do have a Happy Hour, and I'm sure that someone isn't going to be able to drive back home.


And, no, that someone isn't me. As luck would have it, I always end up being the sober one.


So, anyways, just an FYI on how things are going. I hope you guys are doing well. Or at least not as bad as those poor people down in the battlefield of Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. Go donate some money and some prayers. Then, express some outrage to your elected officials. Believe me, those people need all the help from us they can get.


Peace!