Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why I Hate Halle Berry

I hate Halle Berry. To be fair, I actually don’t like a lot of people. In fact, this article was going to be titled “The People I Hate.” However, I changed my mind and made this article only about Halle Berry.

You see, I hate Halle Berry because she has, in one person, everything that I want. And then, she has the audacity, to come on TV and parade around showing off all the stuff she has that I want. Now, let’s be clear- I don’t hate Halle Berry because she’s an evil person or anything. I’m sure she’s a great person; but I’m jealous. Extremely jealous! And, in my attempt to grow as a person, I have decided to embrace my jealousy and delineate in a clear, thought out process, why I hate Halle Berry. It is my hope that this article will give me closure.

1) I hate Halle Berry because she is rich. Now, as you may have guessed, I am poor. I am very, very, very poor. I don’t have a savings. I don’t pay my bills on time. I’m just scraping by the skin of my teeth. I’m so broke, that I can’t do what normal people do when they want to rediscover themselves. You know, go to a therapist? Oh, no! I have to sign up for a free Blogger account in the hopes that this website will function as my therapeutic outlet. Meanwhile, Halle Berry has like all this money to buy like all these therapists and stuff. I don’t get to have a therapist…..I hate her.

2) I hate Halle Berry because she is beautiful. Now, I am in no way an ugly person. But, I’m, also, no Halle Berry. Halle Berry is hot. She’s hot and gorgeous and has no flaws. She can have long hair or short hair. She can wear anything she wants. She’s like even the perfect height. I don’t know what her height is, but I’m sure it’s the perfect height because she’s Halle Berry. Freakin’ hot, tall, girl. God, I can’t stand her!!

3) I hate Halle Berry because she’s currently dating my man. Now, if you’re a friend of mine you’re probably thinking, “Reese, you have many famous dudes that you claim as yours. Which one are you talking about?” I’m talking about that fine, fine man from the movie Barbershop. His name is Michael Ealy. He is hot and he was supposed to be mine- until that perfect man-stealer named Halle Berry stole him from me.

Now, yes, it’s technically true that I never really had him. Technically. But, in my heart he was mine….

Pssf! I hate her.

4) I hate Halle Berry because she ruined the crushes I had on other famous dudes. Two guys in particular- David Justice and Eric Benet. I used to think Justice was so fine and Benet was supposed to be my own personal music man. Now I think they’re both jerks and one, in particular, is a sicko. And, yes, I blame Halle Berry for it. Instead of just keeping quiet about their idiocy, she had to go around with her “no-nonsense” attitude and tell the whole world how these guys sucked. In the process, she totally destroyed my fantasy of these men. Thanx a lot Halle!

5) I hate Halle Berry because no matter how much I try to hate her, and curse her very existence, I still think she’s pretty great. Pretty, rich people who steal my boyfriends should be buttheads. But, instead, she seems pretty cool. And, in spite of other hateful comments by other people, I think she’s a very good actress. I also think it’s awesome how she works to inform people about the dangers of spousal abuse and inadequate diabetes care.

She’s just so…so…good!

6) Finally, I hate Halle Berry because…

wait…

You know what?

Now that I think about it, this article isn’t bringing me any closure. It just makes me realize how great Halle Berry is and how much I suck. So, okay, that’s it. I’m not even finishing this. I'm done.

The end.

Stop.

You can stop reading now.




© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved
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Everyone Sucks, But You (A Self-Esteem Booster)

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been thinking it for years. Everyone sucks, but you. Now, usually, that’s just an off-hand remark. But, I’m here to tell you that it’s actually true. Everyone really does suck, except for you. Recent analysis has led me to this conclusion.

First off, you, naturally, do not suck because you’re reading stuff on my web page. Sure you should probably be doing something productive at your full-time job that graciously pays your bills; but, instead, you’re graciously feeding my ego. And I need that right now due to my increasingly low self-esteem. Forgetting your boss’ demand to save the company from bankruptcy, and, instead, reading my rants and raves shows just how much you don’t suck. All those other cubicle-heads, sitting around, doing their work, not reading this, so obviously are just in it to kiss butt. Because they suck. Yes, everyone sucks at your job, but you.

Second, I know for a fact that everyone in your neighborhood sucks. They are nothing like you. They are so lame. They usually say too much to show that they suck. And, when they’re not saying too much, they’re saying too little. And they’re always doing stuff. I mean really! Do you have to spell it out to them how to not suck? I guess so, because all of your neighbors suck, but you.

Third, it is a scientific fact that your family sucks. Okay, of course you love your family, but deep down, you know the truth. They suck. I mean, it’s probably a known truth that you were switched at birth. They don’t even think like you. They don’t even like you. They always want you to do something that is so obviously stupid. They’re always thinking and feeling junk. Really, annoying, I know. And, would it kill them to contact you only in the manner in which you prefer? I mean really people. Leave my readers alone! I’m so sorry that your family sucks.

Finally, all of the people who are not your co-workers, your neighbors, or your family all suck as well. I know this for a fact. I have literally met everyone in the world. Spoken to them too. I’ve had deep conversations with them; well, as deep as a conversation as possible with people who suck. Anyways, I can honestly say, that they are all idiots! Including myself. You are the smartest, most engaging person on the planet. I wish we could all not suck, like you.

Who knew that your suck theory would be proven right on my badly designed web-page? But, now your deepest beliefs have been proven true. Everyone sucks, but you.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

25 Is The New 30

FYI:

25 is the new 30.

Yes, I know it’s sad, but true. All of what it means to be 30, now happens 5 years earlier. You know what I’m talking about. The acknowledgement that you are an adult, with responsibilities. That you relate more to your parents then to the seniors in high school. It happens at 25 now. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Here are some things that prove my point:

1) MTV no longer cares about what you think. The official demographic cut-off for MTV is 24. After that, you are considered old as dirt. Haven’t you noticed that hardly any artist past the age of 24 gets played on MTV? Think about it. Who’s in heavy rotation on that station? Brittney “I Can’t Sing” Spears. Christina “Look at me I’m Naked” Aguilera. Nelly “I’m Not a Real Rapper…” Nelly (okay, Nelly doesn’t have a last name, but you get my point). There’s no Madonna or Janet on MTV. Heck, they played Prince’s new video like it was a PBS History special. There was old Prince footage and special interviews discussing Prince’s impact on music before they would even show the new Prince video. I could just hear the youth of America now:

Kid: “Mom, did you know there was a short man back in the day with a curl that women used to beg to have sex with?”

Mom: “Yes, honey, I was one of those women.”

Kid: “Ewwww, Mom…”

Yes, at 25, you have been deemed to old and unimportant for MTV to placate to your interests and desires. 25! Five years from 30! Yes, you’re old dude.

2) The slang that you and your friends spoke that you thought was oh, so cool is now oh, so dead. “Wicked,” “Awesome,” “’Da Bomb,” “Word,” no kids say those things anymore. My generation’s slang officially went dead when we turned 25. I know this to be true because I was told by teenagers that my slang was old the very day I turned 25. I’m serious.

Me: “You kids you need to chill with all that racket.”

Kids: “Chill? No one says that anymore Ma’am.”

Me: “Chill is dead? I’m only 25. Chill cannot be dead.”

Kids: “You’re 25? Whoa, your life is like already over.”

And what do you say when young people look at you like you’re a geriatric? All I could do was walk away and hang my head in old people shame.

3) And, while we’re speaking about what kids say today, let’s talk about how when you turn 25 you no longer can comprehend what those children are saying. And I know, that you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Before you were 25, all those teeny bopper shows made sense. You understood why Kevin from Real World: NY got up in Julie’s face. You could make an argument for why Tami was pissed at David for pulling the covers off of her naked body, or for why David would want to even do that in the first place (I took you way back in time for that one, huh?). But, have you seen the Real World lately? Those kids are fools! It’s all so incestuous. All of the roommates sleep together, get high together, get arrested together. And, then, they justify what they do with comments like “Well, I feel like my feelings are that it’s my body, and I know my body, and my parents should support the reckless disregard I have for my health and safety, with concern to my body. That’s how I feel, about my feelings, in regards to my body’s feelings.” WHAT!?!?!? That doesn’t make a lick of sense!?!?! And, at the very moment, that you realize that what that stupid Ho said was incomprehensible, you also realize that you just turned 25.

As a further kick in the gut, you can’t even audition for the Real World when you’re 25. The official cut-off age is, you guessed it- 24!

4) Finally, and this is the kicker, tell me if you think the following situation deserves police intervention:

Two young men are speeding down a street in a black jeep. One of them is holding what appears to be an AK-47. But, it’s really a paint ball gun. As the jeep goes down the street, the young, paint ball gun possessor starts shooting RED paint balls at random people. Many of these people start freaking out because they believe they have been shot and are bleeding because of the red paint. Should the police do something?

Right now you’re saying, yes they should. But, back before you were 25 you most assuredly would say “NO THEY SHOULDN’T!!” And, I know for a fact this is true.

Remember that song you used to “Jam” to called “F--- Tha Police”? Well, it was written in response to the police having the audacity to pull over Eazy-E and Dre for pulling off such a fun prank. See, before you were 25 that was funny to you and, at the same time, garnered your righteous indignation at the completely racist and out-of-line LAPD. But, now that you’ve turned 25 you’ve reevaluated and find such an act reprehensible and irresponsible.

And it didn’t even take you an extra 5 years to reach that decision.

25 is the new 30. Now go watch VH1.



© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

THE American Worker

I don't know if you know this or not, but THE American Worker is getting screwed. I know this because I am not THE American Worker. I mean, I work, but I don't pull 40+ hours a week. Anyways, this isn't necessarily about my dubious work status, it's about THE American Worker. And, THE American Worker is getting screwed. "Why, Reese, whatever do you mean?" Well, let me explain.

You see, I used to work for this plumbing company when I was an undergrad. I did receptionist/HR work (please, don't ask me what "HR" work is). Anyways, I distinctly remember one time when the company was hiring new plumbers. I was a part of the "interview-team" I guess you could say, and here’s what the company would tell prospective employees they would get if they worked there. It went a little something like this:"Working for us would be so wonderful for you. Full benefits. Low pay. And, if you work here for at least 15 years, you will get 2 weeks vacation. Of course, you'll only get 2 days your first 10 years, but we think that's pretty generous."Okay, so, what's wrong with that which I just described? I mean, c'mon people, do I really have to spell it out? This company actually expected to pay its workers next to nothing, just to get benefits, and work 40+ hours a week! Hardly any vacation time! So basically, they wanted someone to work, just for works sake. That's just sad and wrong people. And, it's a perfect example of how THE American Worker is getting screwed.

Around the world, people are working. And being productive. And taking 2 hour lunch breaks. That's right people, everyone has siesta but you. They even have siesta in Kuwait. They even call it siesta in Kuwait. But, what are you getting? You're getting harassed by your boss if you take a 30 minute lunch break. Some of you probably don't even eat lunch. You trick your mind into thinking that that small pink stick of Orbitz gum is a full course meal. Yes, you THE American Worker are getting screwed!

Around the world, people are working. And being productive. And they spend only 35 hours a week in the office. Yes, it's mandated by their government that the work week only be 35 hours. That's 7 hours a day people. No wait, that's 5 hours a day because the rest of the world takes siesta. And you know what? They don't have to make up their siesta time by spending an extra 2 hours at work. Oh, no, they just go home at 4pm after getting to work at 9am. Meanwhile, Americans are pushing over 40 hours a week in the office. Not only that, but some of us are always connected to our office on account of company "suggested" Blackberry's that make sure that the only thing on THE American Worker's mind is work. Yes, you THE American Worker are getting screwed!

Finally, around the world people are working. And being productive. And hanging out on the beach with their 5 weeks of vacation. 5 weeks of mandated vacation. Yes, people, the rest of the world spends only 5 hours of day in the office because the rest of the time they're taking "a holiday." "A holiday," people! Meanwhile, you probably consider a holiday with your friends and family as a 15 minute phone conversation during your night minutes on your cell phone. Just to rub salt in the wound, I'll remind you that THE American Worker is getting screwed!

Yes, even I, THE Anti-American Worker am getting screwed. Because, if I was anywhere else in the rest of the world, I could work when I want, how I want, and create a web-page to discover myself, and not have to worry about health insurance, life insurance, shelter, and all the other things that life likes to use like a boot to stomp on your very soul. Yes, even THE Anti-American Worker is getting screwed!

So, I thought you should know. We Americans are the best. We work the hardest. We work the hardest. And we work the hardest. We're simply THE Best at Getting Screwed!

*Copyright © 2004. All Rights Reserved*