Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Earnesto

Earnesto is just the kind of storm I like. Scary enough to get me off from work and lame enough to not knock out the power so I can enjoy my day off from work.


Before I give you my updated Emergency Hurricane Supply List, I have to say that I was very disappointed in Publix Grocery. I thought they would have learned from Wilma last year that they must have in stock the necessary groceries people need to make it through a storm. Instead, they quickly sold out of the most precious of hurricane supplies…


Random Customer #1: “MY GOD!!!!!”

Random Customer #2: “THEY'RE OUT OF IT!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!”

Reese [just shows up]: “What is it? What’s wrong!?!”

Random Customer #1: “THEY'RE OUT…THEY'RE SOLD OUT OF…”

All Customers: “SMIIIIRRRRNOOOOFFFFFFF!!!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Random Customer #1: “How could they do this to us?!? They know we need Smirnoff to make it through a storm!!!”

Reese: “No! There’s gotta be something left. Smirnoff Grape?”

All Customers: “No.”

Reese: “Smirnoff Green Apple?”

All Customers: “No.”

Reese: “Smirnoff Rasberry?”

All Cusomers: “Gone.”

Reese: “Regular Smirnoff? Or…or…Smirnoff Black Ice?!?”

All Customers: “Face it…it’s all gone!”

Reese [begins to cry]: “…no…no…”

Everyone: [looks at empty Smirnoff shelves with vacant eyes]

Reese: [starts shaking]

Customer #2: “Ma’am? Are you…okay?”

Reese: “No…Smirnoff…make…Reese…go…crazy…”

Customer #1: “Miss?”

Reese: “I HATE SOUTH FLORIDA!!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!!!”

Publix Guy [just shows up with new boxes of alcohol]: “Ummm…I think I may be able to help.”

Reese [hopeful]: “You…you have…the Smirnoff?”

Publix Guy: “No. But, we have Bicardi Silver Big Apple.”

Reese [looks at Publix Guy in disgust]: “Bicardi?!?”

Publix Guy: “It should hold you over through this storm. I mean, it’s only a tropical storm, right?”

All Customers [righteous indignation]: “BICARDI?!?!”

Publix Guy: “PLEASE DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!!!”

Reese [sighs]: “Bicardi…okay…I guess, it will have to do…”

Publix Guy: “Yes, everyone take a six-pack of Bicardi…here you go…it’s going to be okay…”

Reese [crying and grabbing a pack of Bicardi]: “I…I…so…hate…South…Florida…”



And I do. I do hate South Florida. But, whatever! Here’s my Hurricane Supply List for this storm…


1 Six-Pack of Bicardi Silver Big Apple (BOOOOO!!!!)

Keebler Soft Batch Chocolate Chip Cookies

Lettuce

Green Peppers

1 Can of Tomato Soup

1 Can of Chicken and Rice Soup (I thought this was a can of Tomato Soup)

5 Cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli

1 Box of Saltines

2 Packages of Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast (hey, it was on sale!)

2 Two liter bottles of Strawberry Soda

No water whatsoever (Hey, I got water at home! That’s what a Brita Filter is for isn’t it?)

1 Hope and 1 Prayer



I’m really proud of my list this year because it really makes sense. It’s clear that my purchases were made to celebrate my life and not to survive any impending doom. I think that if everyone went shopping like this during a storm, the lines would move a lot faster and everyone would be in a better mood. I mean, when else do you get to drink alcohol and eat chocolate chip cookies at 10:00 in the morning during the middle of the work week?


Exactly!


Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to burn through a six pack of Bicardi Big Apple (yuck!).




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Life is Hard When the World is Full of Stupid People

God is good and I am a wonderful person.


You will have to forgive me, but this is a post less about the funny and more about the angry.


I knew this weekend would turn out to be a test of my human spirit when I was driving home from work on Friday evening…



Reese [singing & driving]: “Just got paiiddd…friddaayyy nighttt…parrrty harrrddyyy…and I’m…”

The Dodge [Reese’s Car]: “BOOM!! KA-BLAMO!!! KA-BOOM!! BLAM!!!”

Reese: “What the hell?”

The Dodge: “KABLAMO!!”

Reese: “What is going on?!?!”

The Dodge: “DANGER, REESE THE LAW GIRL!! DANGER!!”




Now, usually my first instinct, when something is wrong with my car, is to ignore it. The problem that is. I ignore the problem. So, for the last few months, when my car made a horrendous scream of a noise every time I started it up, I just decided that it was a lovely way for the car to scare away any potential gators nearby and I ignored the problem.



Reese: [starts car]

The Dodge: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!”

Reese: “Well, isn’t that special.”

“Anyways, time to go now.”


Should this have been a warning sign of things to come? Of course. But, did it make life easier for me if I just ignored the warning sign? Yes. And, seeing as how I am Reese and the car still went go, I chose to ignore the problem and spend my money on vacations to see “Lisa” and tickets to “So You Think You Can Dance: The Tour.”


Eventually, this brilliant plan backfired on me and The Dodge decided to stage another of its infamous coups.


I really hate it when The Dodge does this. The timing of the coups never works for me. And, lets be honest, who likes it when someone decides that they’re going to run your life from now on, and they’re going to decide when you do something and when you’re not, and they’re going to take over your limited finances?!?! I mean really, how selfish!!



Anyways, seeing as how South Florida has a lovely public transportation system I like to call “nonexistent,” I knew that I had to get my car fixed this weekend so that I could get to work on Monday. So, I asked my neighbors if they knew any good mechanics that could fix my car and not charge me an arm and a leg…



Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life:Yeah, I know a mechanic. My boyfriend can take a look at it, no problem. I’ll ask him for you.”


Okay, now, what’s wrong with this picture right here? Have you figured it out yet? I didn’t at the time, but looking back on it, I should have known right away.

The problem is that this solution was too easy. How convenient that my next door neighbor has a boyfriend who fixes cars and will fix my car for me? I should have known this mess wouldn’t work out. But, Reese the Law Girl, so full of hope and naïveté thought everything was going to work out.


Reese the Law Girl was wrong.


So, Saturday I talk to my neighbor and her boyfriend about my car…



Steve [the boyfriend]: “So what happened?”

Reese: “Well, I was driving home and all of a sudden the “Check Engine” light came on and the battery gauge went all the way down and the temperature gauge went all the way up.”

Steve: “Hmmm…sounds like you need a new alternator.”

Reese: “Well, do you want to look at the car first to see if that’s what it needs?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: [looks at Reese suspiciously]

Steve: “Nah, I don’t need to. That’s the alternator.”

Reese: “So, what do I do?”

Steve: “Just go to Advanced Auto Parts down the street and buy an alternator. On Sunday morning I’ll go ahead and fix the car for you.”

Reese: “And, how much do alternators cost?”

Steve: “Oh, they’re only about $115 to $130.”

Reese [breathes a sigh of relief]: “Oh thank God!!! Yes, I’ll get the alternator today. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for helping me out!!!”

Steve: “No problem.”

Reese: “And thanx, Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life! I sooo appreciate you recommending your boyfriend!! I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go to the dealership for this!!!”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Mmm-hmmm….”

Reese: “Uhh…okay, well I’ll see ya’ll tomorrow!”



Now, let me just say something here. Yes, I did detect attitude from the Random Neighbor. But, I often detect attitudes from other people. However, in my quest to become a better person, I decided to ignore my spidey-sense that something was amiss with this little arrangement and instead bought an alternator.


A $192.00 alternator.


As it turns out, Advanced Auto Parts would give me $55.00 back if I brought in my old alternator. But, until then, I had to pay up front nearly $200 for a brand new alternator.


Don’t ask me about this auto parts policy. The guy at the store tried to explain it to me, but my eyes just glazed over during his techno-mechanico explanation and I never quite understood why I had to bring in my old alternator to get $55.00 in cash back. But, whatever.



So, Sunday morning rolls around. Steve was supposed to fix my car at 9:00am. Well, it’s 9 in the morning. Where is Steve? Where is Steve?


It’s 9:15am. Where is Steve? It’s 9:30am. Where is Steve?


Steve is missing.


So, now I’m not ignoring my spidey-sense (aka my BS detector). I decide to look out my window and see if I see Steve or his random girlfriend outside. Lo and behold I see my Random Neighbor and her 15 children getting into their environmentally unfriendly SUV. I, of course, made a run for it downstairs before she could take off.


As I went downstairs, I tried to act casual like I was just bringing my alternator down so that Steve could fix my car right away…



Reese: “Lalalala, going to get my car fixed today…”

“Oh, hello Random Neighbor!”


Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Oh…ummm…hello…”

Reese: “Wow, it’s getting a bit hot out. I hope Steve can fix my car before the sun melts us all. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Ummm…yeah…about that…”

Reese: “YEEESSSS??”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Well, ummm…Steve isn’t going to fix your car. Sorry.”

Reese [clinching teeth]: “What?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah, we got into a big fight last night and I had to kick his @$$ to the curb!”

Reese [grinding teeth]: “What?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “I mean I told him, “You gotta good woman, you can’t be treating me like that.” And then he had the nerve to ask why I was cheating on him. Well, hello! I told him if he would treat me right I wouldn’t have to go and cheat!!!”

Reese [breathing through clenched teeth]: “So…you kicked him out?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah. And, I feel so bad. I’m really, really sorry. You know there’s another guy in this building who fixes cars. I’m going to ask him if he can fix your car for you.”

Reese [trying desperately to suppress her rage]: “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Steve was going to fix my car and now he’s not?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah. I mean, I’m sorry, but my first husband died. And now I gotta deal with this mess of a man? I don’t think so. You feel me?”

Reese [clenching fist]: “Oh, I feel something.”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Anyways, I hope you’re okay with this. I am very sorry.”

Reese [right hand shaking and seeing rage spots]: “Oh…I’m…just…so…okay…with…this…”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Great! Let’s go see if the other guy can fix your car.”



Of course, the other guy couldn’t fix my car.



Sigh.



Before I tell you how this all ended, let me just say that I’m not the kind of girl who thinks she’s hot stuff. I am an average girl of average means who attracts below average men for the most part. And, I am not the kind of woman who claims that other women are jealous of her or trying to keep their men away from her or some other crap like that.



But, I swear for god my neighbor screwed me over so that her boyfriend would not fix my car!!!!!!


I mean, I’ve seen this couple out and about the neighborhood before. They’re always happy, smiling people. Holding hands and all that $***. So, I find it oh so puzzling that now, all of a sudden, her boyfriend is some sort of evil monster who must be put out on the eve that MY CAR NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!!!


Note to Random Women Who Have Made the Wrong Choices in Life:

I don’t want your sorry @$$ boyfriend!! If I wanted a sorry @$$, I would have gone out and found a sorry @$$ a long time ago!!! Sorry @$$’s come a dime a dozen!! Just like vidi-ho’s and cheap beer!!! You can find that anywhere and I don’t want it!! So, when your stupid butt VOLUNTEERS your boyfriend to fix my car, don’t look at me like I want something that belongs to you!! What I want is my car to go. Nothing more, nothing less. I mean, damn! Trust me when I say that my standards are MUCH HIGHER than yours and I would rather bust my head on the side the wall while little velociraptor lizards jump all over me before I try to get with your SORRY @$$ BOYFRIEND!!!!!!


Son of a b*tch!!!



Okay…okay…I’m back…



But, you know, what really bugs me about this is that she wasn’t even going to tell me that Steve wasn’t going to fix my car!! She was just going to leave and go about her day while I waited around for a non-existent man to fix my car!! B*tch!


Anyways, after calling around to the small network of friends that I have, I found a really nice mechanic who would fix my car on a Sunday. And, come to find out, I didn’t need an alternator at all! The Dodge’s belt just busted or something and that’s what needed to be replaced. And you know how much that cost me?


$15.95.


Can you believe that?!?! $15.95!!! Sorry @$$ Steve was wrong all along!!! Turns out, he didn’t even know what he was talking about in the first place!!!


Whack! That was just whack!!!


So, Awesome Mechanic Guy fixes The Dodge thereby putting an end to the car’s desperate attempt to take over my life (hell, yeah, I run things here, not some stupid car!). And I, with the quickness, returned that $192.00 alternator and got my money back!


And there ended my weekend in hell. All in all, I have to say that I am very proud of myself for not going off on anyone during this stressful time. Of course, now that there’s a hurricane possibly a-comin’, I can’t make any promises for the future. But, for now…


God is good and I am a wonderful person.




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ahead of the Game

My head has reached mythical proportions, I think.


I’m serious! I think my skull has increased in size!


Today, I bent my head down and it actually started hurting. I think it was due to the massive size of my head.


I need to go and see a doctor because I don’t think your head is supposed to hurt when you bend it down. I mean, gravity isn’t supposed to affect your head like that, right?


In other news, two of the children bumrushed me today when I got home. I went to go pick up my mail from the community mailbox and…



Ino: “Reese!”

Reese: “No, no, no. Whatever it is, not today. My head really hurts...”

Ino [interrupts]: “Reese, I am selling desserts, jewelry, and other items for a fundraiser for my school. Would you be interested in purchasing something from my catalogue?”

Reese: “No.”

Ino: “Pleeeaaasssseeee? It’s for a good cause!”

Reese: “Wait a minute! I’ve seen your school. You guys aren’t hurting for anything.”

Ino: “Schools ALWAYS need money, Reese!”

Reese: “Meh….”

Ino: “C’mon! Buy just one thing.”

Reese: “Sigh. What kind of stuff are you selling?”

Ino: “Well, we’re selling…”

Sakura [Ino’s older sister]: “Here, here! Look at my catalogue!”

Ino: “Sakura!!!”

Reese [takes Sakura’s catalogue]: “Gimmie that.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay there’s something cheap enough for me to buy. Alright, I’ll get…uhh…one of these thingys.”


Ino: “Reese! You can’t order from Sakura and not get something from me!! I asked you first!!”

Reese: “Sigh. Gawd, you children are killing me!”

Ino: “Reese!!!”

Sakura: “Ino, leave Reese alone! Stop bothering her!!”

Ino: “That’s not right, Reese!!!”

Reese: “Gawd, chill!!”

Ino: “Chill?”

Reese: “Arrggg! I never said I wasn’t going to buy from you too, Ino!! What kind of a person do you think I am that I would buy from one sister and not from the other!?!”

Ino: [looks at Reese suspiciously]

Reese: “Here, gimmie your catalogue…”

“Alright, gimmie that. I want that thingy.”


Ino: “Yes! Alright!!!”

Sakura: “Hey!! That’s not fair! What you bought from Ino is more expensive than what you bought from me!”

Reese: “It’s only fifty cents difference!!”

Sakura: “It’s more!”

Reese: “Well…Ino got here first, so I gave her more.”

Sakura: “That’s not right!”

Reese: “Well look at it like this…you learned an important lesson: the early bird gets the worm.”

Sakura: “What?”

Reese: “Sigh…”

“Next time you have a school fundraiser get to the customers before your sister!!”


Ino: “Hehehehe, yeah, Sakura.”

Sakura: “Psssht! Whatever!”

Reese: “Alright, children. You got your money, now shoo! I gotta alleviate pressure from my head.”

Ino & Sakura: “What?”

Reese: “I gotta headache! I need to take some Advil.”

Ino: “Oh, okay.”

Sakura: “We’ll bring your stuff to you when it comes in!”

Reese: “Great…”

Ino & Sakura: “Thanx, Reese!!!”

Reese: “Whatever.”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Reverse Politics

Lisa: “Yeah, so that was a great episode of 30 Days. But, I still don’t get why people think creationism and evolution should be taught together.”

Reese: “Well, yeah, I mean obviously teaching creationism in school is a violation of church and state…”

Lisa: “Yeah!”

Reese: “And seeing as how there’s a simple solution to this problem that makes everyone happy, I just don’t see what the big deal is.”

Lisa: “What’s the simple solution?”

Reese: “Well, evolution is usually taught in Biology. Biology, not being a course that is necessary to the state’s interest in producing fully functional citizens, can be skipped by those who find it to conflict with their religious beliefs.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?!”

Reese: “Well, when I was in school**, Biology was not a mandatory course. It was an elective. And although we had to complete 3 years of science, it was up to us which science courses we selected. While the school system recommended Biology on the science track, for those who wanted to they could skip that class and move on to Chemistry or something else. Usually, the kids in our school who did that were those whose parents found the teaching of evolution against their religion.”

Lisa: “OH MY GOD!!! THAT’S CRAZY!!!”

Reese: “Why is that crazy?”

Lisa: “Just because you disagree with something, doesn’t mean you should be able to skip it!!!”

Reese: “I think you misunderstand- this was not about disagreeing with a theory. Those who skipped Biology actually believed that learning about evolution violated their religious beliefs. Of course, seeing as how we’re a country whose constitution allows for freedom of religious expression, those students went on to other science courses like chemistry, physics, or geology.”

Lisa: “OH MY GOD!!! I THINK THAT’S NUTS!!!”

Reese: “Why is that nuts?”

Lisa: “Where do you draw the line? What if someone thinks their kid shouldn’t learn how to read because reading is witchcraft? What then?”

Reese: “Oh come on, Lisa! You’re a lawyer! You know what the standard is for constitutional violations!”

“In this scenario, if someone thought reading was witchcraft then the state must have a rational interest for ignoring the “anti-reading” individual and violating that person’s freedom of religious expression. And certainly, the state has a rational and legitimate interest in making sure its citizens learn how to read!”


Lisa: “Whatever!!!”

Reese: “The same cannot be said for Biology. A person can be a fully functional and successful adult without ever learning evolution in Biology. In fact, I know several people who skipped Biology and are great people. Successful people! In fact, they make more money than me…”

Lisa: “Phsssttt!!”

Reese: “Hmmm….maybe I should have skipped Biology…”

Lisa: “Well, in Georgia we don’t have such things. Biology is required and you have to take it no matter what!!”

Reese: “Well, Maryland is not like that. Maryland actually abides by the constitution…”

Lisa: “NO! Maryland is just some tree-hugging…”

Reese: “Tree-hugging?”

Lisa: “…excessively liberal state where everyone cares about everyone else’s feeeeelinnnnggggssss…”

Reese: “Feelings?”

Lisa: “…and where everyone gets in a circle and sings Kumbaya…”

Reese: “Kumbaya?”

Lisa: “…and smokes dope and says things like “Peace and love, man. Peace and loooovvveeee.”

Reese: “I see.”

Lisa: “In Georgia when we tell you to learn evolution you better do it! NO KUMBAYA!!!!”

Reese: “Well, that’s interesting, Lisa.”

Lisa: “It’s not interesting. It’s the way it should be!!”

Reese: “You know, Lisa, all this talk about “tree-hugging liberals singing kumbaya” kind of disturbs me.”

Lisa: “What do you mean?”

Reese: “Well, I’m just saying…don’t bite my head off or anything…”

Lisa: “Yeah?”

Reese: “But, you sound a little bit like…”




“Anne Coulter.”




Lisa: “What. Did. You. Say…”

Reese: “Well, I mean, when you start calling people “tree-hugging liberals” who sing “kumbaya,” for upholding the constitution, I mean you kind of sound like…”





“Anne Coulter.”






Lisa: “Reese the Law Girl…”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Lisa: “YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!”

Reese: “What?!?!”

Lisa: “I cannot believe you called me Anne Coulter!!!!”

Reese: “Well, technically, I didn’t call you Anne Coulter…”

Lisa: “YOU CALLED ME ANNE COULTER!!!!”

Reese: “I said you sound like…”

Lisa: “TAKE IT BACK!!! TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!”

Reese: “NO!!!! IT’S MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A FRIEND TO CHECK MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY START SOUNDING LIKE ANNE COULTER!!!!”

Lisa: “I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN UNLESS YOU TAKE IT BACK!!!”

Reese: “NO!!!!!!!!!!”

Lisa: “CALL ME CRAZY!! CALL ME A REPBULICAN!! CALL ME A CONSERVATIVE NAZI!!! BUT DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME ANNE COULTER!!!”

Reese: “I DIDN’T CALL YOU ANNE COULTER, I SAID YOU SOUNDED LIKE ANNE COULTER!!!

Lisa: “TAKE IT BACK!!!”

Reese: “NO! If I don’t check you now next thing I know you’ll be talking about the church of liberalism and how Hurricane Katrina victims have stifled the discussion on hurricanes because they ONLY lost everything and anyone they cared about!”

Lisa: “Listen to me. Our friendship hangs in the balance. I SWEAR FOR GOD..."

Reese: "Ohhhhh!! Now you call on God!"

Lisa: "...if you don’t take that back I will NEVER speak to you again.”

Reese: [sighing]

Lisa: “TAKE IT BACK!!!”

Reese: “Alright, alright…”

“I’m sorry I said you sounded like Anne Coulter.”

“There! You happy?”


Lisa: “Yes. Now we’re friends again.”

Reese: “Suuurrreee. Whatever you say, Annie…”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!”

Reese: “Nothing! I didn’t say anything!”

Lisa: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Reese [inside her head]: “She sure did sound like Anne Coulter though…”





**For perspective on Reese’s education, the high school Reese graduated from is ranked in the top 5% of all high schools in the nation.**




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor Working Girl: Chapter 3, Part 3

In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…






The Labyrinth






Narrator: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

Writer [whispering]: “narrator…narrator…psssttt….wake up….”

Narrator: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….this is the longest, cheesiest, chapter ever, Mommy…Zzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Writer [jabs narrator]: “NARRATOR!!!”

Narrator [suddenly wakes up]: “What, what! Who shot who in the what where?”

Writer: “C’mon Narrator! Everyone’s waiting!”

Narrator [sighing]: “Oh, okay, fine! But, don’t blame me that your last piece was a boring tweener post…”



Poor Working Girl. A working girl who is poor. But, sometimes a bit clever. Having previously defeated the Level 1 Boss, Overzealous Security Guard, Poor Working Girl now has her sights on the Level 2 Boss- the Bipolar Office Assistant. Can Poor Working Girl defeat this villainous villain?


“Villainous villain?” Wow. That’s some writing there.


Anyway, can Poor Working Girl do what I just asked? She certainly thinks so. Let’s take a look…



Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Yes, I’ve got it! C’mon, Bipolar Office Assistant, we’re going to get you some help.”

Bipolar Office Assistant (BPOA): “What…why would you do that? I’m a Level Boss. You’re not supposed to help me…no one should help me…[sob]…I’m such…a horrible PERSON!!!”

PWG: “I’m not going to defeat you, for you do not need to be defeated. What you need is to return to your original form…”


“The True Office Assistant!!”



“And I know where to find the lithium you so desperately need to get back to your normal self!”

“So, c’mon! Let’s go!”

BPOA: “No…”

PWG: “C’mon!”

BPOA: “No…”

PWG: “PLEASE?!?!”

BPOA [crying]: “No. I’d rather just stay here and waste away in my current state of putrid nothingness.”

PWG: “Well, I’m not going to let you do that!”



Using every ounce of strength that she could muster, Poor Working Girl drags the 130 pounds of dead weight that is the Bipolar Office Assistant to the Health and Wellness Center that the two had passed previously.




PWG: “Whew! Okay, now just gotta get in here. The door is solid steel. I need something to blow the door…”

BPOA: “See…it is…hopeless…”

PWG: “Hmmm…BPOA, why was the room containing the Xerox-achu such a mess?”

BPOA: “Sigh…when you feed the Xerox-achu paper that is not perfectly straight it goes berserk and starts blowing things up…”

PWG: “Blowing things up?!?”

BPOA: “…it’s an awful beast…and I’m an awful person…”

PWG: “That’s it!”

BPOA: “So are you…you’re an awful person…”

PWG: “Suuurrreee….”

“Okay, BPOA, you stay here. I’ll be right back, okay?”


BPOA: “Here or there…does it even matter?”

PWG [slowly backs away from BPOA]: “Right…”



Quickly, Poor Working Girl races back to the room with the pulsating light and lures the Xerox-achu back to the Health and Wellness Center with a box of 8 ½ x 11 paper that has all of its corners bent on the upper left hand side. You know? The kind of paper that makes a Xerox-achu go haywire.




BPOA: “What are you doing?”

PWG: “I’m overfeeding the Xerox-achu with slightly bent paper.”

BPOA: “Oh…sigh…I see…you’re going to make it go berserk so it can knock down the door to the Health and Wellness Center.”

PWG: “Exactly!”

BPOA: “You have a lot of hope even though the situation is hopeless…I may be manic depressive…but, you sure are stupid…”

PWG: “Oh, BPOA! If you weren’t so mentally ill, I would have really hurt you by now.”

“Now, c’mon! We have to take cover. The Xerox-achu is about to explode!!”



The two unlikely allies hide behind a random cubicle and watch the Xerox-achu explode in a furious blast! After the smoke clears, Poor Working Girl sees that her ingenuous plan (and it’s bloody brilliant for Poor Working Girl, let’s be honest) has worked! The explosion blew off the steel door to the Health and Wellness Center.


After the smoke subsides, Poor Working Girl enters the center and then returns with a small bottle in her hand…



BPOA [pointing at the bottle]: “What’s that?”

PWG: “This is the key to me making it out of the labyrinth and the key to your sanity…”

BPOA: “Suicide in a bottle?”

PWG: “NO! Lithium. Here, take it.”

BPOA: “Why?”

PWG: “Oh, for Pete’s Sake!!”


Poor Working Girl shoves several pills down Bipolar Office Assistant’s throat. And then, suddenly, a bright light appears and envelopes the Bipolar Office Assistant. As the light dissipates, a beautiful fairy appears. A beautiful, mentally stable, fairy…




The True Office Assistant: “Poor Working Girl, you have released me from the prison of mental instability that the Dragon had sentenced me too many eons ago. For your reward, I will not only guide you to the Land of Travel Approval, I will now act as a cheat code and elevate you immediately to Level 55.”

PWG: “LEVEL 55?!?!? AWESOME!!! Thanks!!”

True Office Assistant: “No, thank you! Now, follow me…”



As Poor Working Girl follows the True Office Assistant out of the labyrinth and into the Land of Travel Approval, she communicates with Ancient Chinese Master telepathically…




PWG: “Well, did you see all that Master? I released the True Office Assistant, made it out of the labyrinth, and jumped ahead 53 levels! Only one other person has done that before!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yes, yes, you did great and now you’re in the history books. Listen, hurry back after you finish this mission. You have some telekinesis training to complete.”

PWG: “Telekinesis?!?! Wicked cool!!!!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yes, wicked cool. Your first task is to lift a spaceship with your mind.”

PWG: “A spaceship?”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yeah. Some dumb kid, a robot, and a little green alien crashed a spaceship into my swamp! We need some additional brain power to lift the ship and get it out.”

PWG: “Wow! And you thought of me? Cool!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Well, you were the only person I could find available. Thus, I’m not holding out much hope.”

PWG: “You just couldn’t be nice, could you?”

Ancient Chinese Master [yelling at his unwelcome guests]: “Hey! Tell your green guy to get out of my cabinets!!!! HEY!!!”

PWG: “Oh, geesh…”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Hurry up and get here, PWG, before I HURT THE LITTLE GREEN ONE!!!!”



And so, we arrive at another cheesy curtain call on the trials and tribulations of the Poor Working Girl. But, you can be sure that there will be an encore presentation of Poor Working Girl’s adventures…



Well, not an encore, actually. I mean that would be a repeat. So really, it’s an encore in that there will be another new edition, just not the same edition…



Right…



Uhhh, so see you next time!




TO BE CONTINUED…




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.






Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor Working Girl: Chapter 3, Part 2

In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…



The Labyrinth




When we last left Poor Working Girl she was being a brat to me, the Narrator. But, we have since resolved our differences…



Poor Working Girl (PWG): “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GROUNDED MY STORY FOR THREE MONTHS!!!”

Narrator: “Hey! Do you really want to go down this road again? I’ll stop right now!!”

PWG: “Fine! FINE!! I’M SORRY!!!”

Narrator: “Good. Now, where were we…Ah, yes!”



When we last left Poor Working Girl, before she became a brat, she had been commanded by The Dragon to take several forms to the Land of Travel Approval. However, in between Poor Working Girl and the Land of Travel Approval was a dizzying labyrinth. The only way for our heroine to get though this maze was to find the True Office Assistant who, according to the Dragon, is somewhere “down in the dumps.”


Search me, I have no idea where the writer is going with this either. Just that “down in the dumps” is an important clue or something.


Hey, I don’t ask. I just narrate.


Back to the story…


Poor Working Girl wondered if she had found the True Office Assistant as she entered a strange room emitting a pulsating light…



PWG [looks around]: “Geesh, this light is annoying! And this place is a mess! There’s random office supplies all over the floor. Who tore apart this room?”

???: “Hahahahaha!! She wonders who tore apart the room!!!”

PWG: “Who are you?”

???: “WHO AM I?!? Who am I? Oh, yes, I am…”

PWG [pointing to a huge beast]: “OH MY GOD!! Is that an Office-mon?!?”

???: “Yes! YES! It’s an Office-mon! It’s great! GREAT! I mean when it works! But, I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it!!!”

PWG: “So, what kind of Office-mon is this?”

???: “Oh, it’s a Xerox-achu. Yes, it’s pretty great. REALLY GREAT! A little temperamental though. It copies, scans, staples, collates. Likes to eat the paper you feed it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

PWG: “Uh-huh…Yeah, okay, umm I was looking for the True Office Assistant, but I’m getting a little sick of doing that, so I was wondering if you could help me?”

???: “Help? HELP?!?! I’m an EXCELLENT helper!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!”

PWG: “Oookay…so, can you get me through this labyrinth so I can get to the Land of Office Approval?”

???: “Sure! SURE!!! I can help! I can lead the way!! Follow MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”



As Poor Working Girl leaves with the random woman, she notices that this chick is a little…eccentric. But, no matter. If this lady was going to lead Poor Working Girl to the Land of Travel Approval, then Poor Working Girl would just have to deal with her weirdness.



PWG: “Hey, was that a health and wellness center we just passed?”

???: “Yes! YES!!! But, it’s closed now…CLOSED!!! The Dragon shut it down because healthcare is too expensive…EXPENSIVE!!!”

PWG: “That Dragon! He cares nothing for his minions!! When I defeat him I’m going to make sure…”

???: “HEHEHEHEHEHE, yes do make sure!!!”

PWG: “Huh?”

???: “So, where are you from?”

PWG: “Well, I was born in…”

???: “That’s nice. I’m from a horrible land called Ohio. Yup! YUP! So…what do you do?”

PWG: “I am the great…”

???: “Hehehehe, you won’t believe what I do…”

PWG: “Umm, I don’t know…fix Office-mons? What do you do?”

???: “HAHAHAHAHA!!! “Fix Office-mons.” You’re funny. So…what’s your name?”

PWG: “Well, my code name is PWG, but my real name is..”



And just then, right in the middle of PWG’s truly revealing sentence, the random woman stops walking. And her bright, intense smile disappears. Her face is completely stoic and she looks to be almost frozen in place.



PWG: “What is it? Why have we stopped? What’s wrong?”

???: “I just…I just realized that this is all so futile.”

PWG: “What? What is futile?”

??? [eyes begin to tear]: “Yes…it’s no use. Why go to the Land of Travel Approval? Why do anything? The Dragon will just win. It’s all just…just so hopeless…”

PWG: “Oh my God!!! Are you crying?!?! You were just okay a second ago!!”

“Okay, look, stop crying. It’s going to be okay. I’m here to help. I’m going to defeat the Dragon. All I need is for you to get me to the Land of Travel Approval. Okay?”

???: “Okay. Follow me…”



So, with the random woman calmed down the two travelers begin traversing the labyrinth again. As they are walking, PWG looks ahead and notices what looks to be the exit to the labyrinth. Upon closer inspection, however, she realizes that this is actually…



PWG: “What the bloody hell!?!?! Why did you bring me BACK to the Overzealous Security Guard’s station and the ENTRANCE of the Dragon’s Lair?!?!”

???: “I told you…it’s…so…futile…”

PWG: “C’mon snap out of it lady!!! I’ve got to get to the Land of Travel Approval and the people reading need to get on with the story!!!”

???: “Okay! LET’S GO!!!!”

PWG: “WHAZZA?!?!”

???: “C’mon silly!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! We’re wasting TIME!!!!!!!”

PWG: “My God! There is something very wrong with you.”



Sigh. So AGAIN, Poor Working Girl and Question Mark Lady walk their way through the maze. And while our own Poor Working Girl is not the smartest french fry in the happy meal, she’s still not blind. So, she knows something is up when she passes the Health and Wellness Center again.



PWG: “I’m going to kill you.”

???: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Isn’t it funny? I brought you back to the area where we met! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!”

PWG: “Dude! Why did you do this? What the freak is wrong with you?”

???[crying]: “Please…don’t…yell at meeeee…”

PWG: “Oh my God! Are you crying again?!? I so don’t get you! One minute you’re totally happy, almost manic. And, the next minute you’re completely down…in…the…dumps...”

“Oh. My. God.”


???: “Hehehehehehehe…”

PWG: “Oh. My. God.”

???: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

PWG: “You’re…you’re…”

???: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, that’s right!! I’m the Level 2 Boss…”




“The Bipolar Office Assistant!!”



Bipolar Office Assistant (BPOA): “Isn’t it great that I am who I am?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

PWG: “No, it’s not great!”

BPOA: “I know…it’s awful…You’re doomed…I’m doomed…WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!!!”

PWG: “Awww, geez!! Okay, I need to think- how am I going to defeat her?”

Ancient Chinese Master [communicating telepathically]: “Do you want my advice?”

PWG: “No! You’re probably just going to tell me to stop making her crazy or something.”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Oh, yeah and that’s not the answer. I mean, what room just a few paces from here could help you make the BPOA sane? I mean, I just can’t figure it out. And neither can the people reading this.”

PWG: “I know! This is going to be tough one.”

Ancient Chinese Master: “God, you're an imbecile.”

PWG: “Wait…I got it!! Like a bolt of lightening, I’ve got it!!!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Well, thank goodness for small miracles…”




And what exactly has Poor Working Girl figured out? Tune in next time to find out. Same Poor Working Girl time. Same Poor Working Girl station…



Okay, Wednesday! Wednesday this chapter will be finished!



Gawd! You guys are such slave masters, I mean really!







© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Stolen From Jo and Dez!!!

Because I’m a bum who hasn’t written anything worthwhile all week, you guys get a meme. Think of it as a getting to know Reese piece. Now you can feel special that you have way too much information about me. Enjoy!


Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Second Grade Teacher
2. Pre-Med Intern
3. Legal Intern
4. Camp Counselor


Four movies I would watch over and over
1. The Matrix
2. The Intern
3. Imitation of Life
4. The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood


Four places I have lived:
1. Queens, NY
2. Cincinnati, OH
3. Miami, FL
4. Riverdale, MD


Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
3. So You Think You Can Dance
4. The 4400


Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Las Vegas
2. New Mexico
3. Arizona
4. Las Vegas (it’s worth mentioning twice!)


Three Web sites I visit daily:
1. My Blog (I’m a comment whore)
2. Dlisted
3. Crunk + Disorderly


Four of my favorite foods:
1. Quesadillas
2. Salad (I’m boring)
3. Mac & Cheese
4. Anything, really.


Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Home
2. Las Vegas
3. Solomon’s Island, Maryland
4. Tokyo

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Not a Gator...

I found out what was in the cesspool!


The Turkey-Ducks had babies! That's who the children were going on about. I don't understand why they were trying to hide this from me. Maybe they think I would kill baby turkey-ducks, I don't know. I told them I only kill lizards! Stupid kids.


Ummm...I'm going to try and do a new Poor Working Girl this weekend. Cross your fingers and hope that I can get it done.



The Jets: "Curiosity"


PS: Why do The Jets have so many videos?!? It's like never ending!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Misc.

Gator Alert


I think the children in my apartment building found a baby gator or something by the pond/stream/lake/swamp/rotting cesspool by the parking lot…



Kid 1: “Oh cool!!”

Kid 2: “Look at it!!”

Kid 3: “Awesome!”

Kid 4: “We gotta protect it!”

Reese: “Hey you dumb kids, what are you looking at?”

Kid 1: “Ohh….ummmm….nothing….”

Reese: “Nothing?”

Kid 2: “No, nothing. There’s…uh…nothing to see here.”

Reese: “Look you peanut heads, I used to teach second grade, you know?”

Kid 3: “You?!? You used to be a teacher?!?!”

Reese: “Yes, I used to be a teacher!!”

Kid 4: “Man, they let anyone be a teacher these days…”

Reese: “Excuse me! The point is that I used to be a teacher and I know when children are lying and you guys are lying!”

Kid 1: “Uhhhh…no we’re not…”

Reese: “Move! Let me see what’s over there!”

Kids [scream altogether]: “NO!!!”

Reese: “Ah-ha! So there is something there!!”

Kid 2: “Man, there ain’t nothing in there.”

Reese: “Lookie here you little demon-spawn, I have to wake up at 5 in the morning. I don’t want to come out here at night and have some gator attack me just because my parking spot is the closest to the death river over there. So if you saw some sort of dangerous reptile you need to let me know. I could really get hurt!”

Kids: [silent]

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Sigh. Fine, YOU could get in big trouble with your parents. Don’t forget I know where you live!”

Kids: [look at each other with concern]

Kid 1: “Look, Reese there isn’t anything over there. We swear!”

Kid 2: “Yeah, we swear man!”

Kid 3: “Totally swear!!”

Reese: “I do not believe you!”

Kid 4: “Look, Reese, it’s hot outside. You’re agitated and you’re letting your fear of lizards get the best of you…”

Reese: “I am not afraid of lizards! I KILL LIZARDS!!!!”

Kid 4: “Sure you do. So, why don’t you just go on home? There’s nothing to see here.”

Reese: “Mmm-hmmm…okay, you guys are lucky it’s hot outside. But, I’m gonna find out what’s over there and when I do, whatever it is, it’s going to DIE!!”

Kid 4: “Sure it is, Reese.”

Reese [rumbling under her breath as she walks away]: “…I am gonna kill it…I’m gonna smash whatever is over there…I’ll show them…”



On the real though…



Ya’ll I’m scared!!! I’m too young and beautiful to get eaten by a gator!!!



Pray for me.



---------------------------------



Weird Dream


While my inner soul was screaming bloody terror at the idea that a gator may come knocking at my front door, my subconscious gave me a weird, but sorta cool dream to get me through the night.


Now, I don’t remember specifically how it all went down, but basically the dream started with me at work. I was busy typing or something when all of a sudden Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie busted into my office. Seriously!



Brad Pitt: “Reese the Law Girl, get out of that office and write various television and movie scripts for us!”

Angelina Jolie: “Yes, write screenplays for us.”

Reese: “Okay.”



Next thing I remember is we were on the red carpet and people were cheering for me. And then, I was really rich and had a mansion. And I became Maddox, Zahara, and Shilou’s Godmother or something. And then I married Jamie Foxx.


When I woke up I was like, “Wow, that was kind of a cool dream.” But then I was really bitter with my subconscious because I was like, “Dang, how you gonna give me a dream where I marry Jamie Foxx?!? I should be marrying Orlando Bloom, duh?!?!”


But, maybe it’s just me getting my “future telling” powers back and it wasn’t a dream, but the possible future. You know, like remember the time way back a long time ago when my bad tooth gave me dreams of the future and I saw my friend LQ getting married in an African wedding ceremony? Well you know that dream is coming true this October? I kid you not! Just like I saw it too! Well, minus the preggars part. Although another one of my friends is currently pregnant and will deliver near the time of LQ’s wedding, so maybe that was a spot on view of the future.


So anyways, I guess that’s a cool possible future. I like the rich part and hanging out with Brad and Angelina. I feel like I could do a little bit better than Jamie Foxx, though.


Whatever.



---------------------------------



The Jets


Slowly breaking out of my “Jets Coma.”



But, not yet though.



Unfortunately for you, here’s another Jets video.



“You Got it All”- it’s a classic








© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Currently in a Jets Coma...

Much like I was in a Jem coma when the Season 1 DVD's came out.

Jem/Jets comas involve listening or watching some sort of nostalgic 80's entertainment non-stop and against your will. You're literally transfixed and unable to stop the assault of bad clothing and cheesy lyrics from entering your brain. And furthermore, you really don't want the assault to stop anyways.


Did that make sense? It's hard to describe what it's like to be in a coma.


Anyways, this is for Dez and Derek. Personally, I think "Curiosity" is the better song (and video), but you know, I still love anything that came from The Jets.


Sigh. I wonder when I'm going to get out of this "phase." I'm starting to scare myself. I'm singing "Rocket 2 U" as I type this.


So sad.


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I Need Help!

I bought The Jets: Greatest Hits the other day and I swear I cannot stop listening to this CD!

I listen to it while driving to the train station and riding the train to work. I listen to it in my office during work. I listen to it on the train back to my car after work. I listen to it in my car on the way back home. Then, I listen to it while I do random things in my apartment. Then, I listen to it while I get ready to go to bed. Then, I listen to it while I’m sleeping. And then, the whole cycle repeats itself all over again the next day!

I know I have a problem, but I just can’t stop!! It’s like The Jets have taken over my life! I’m stuck in some sort of 80’s time loop and I just can’t get out of it! Yesterday, at the mall, I almost bought a pair of leggings, lace socks, and jellies so I could look like Elizabeth from The Jets.

Seriously, I’m really afraid right now. It’s like there’s no end in sight. I’m listening to The Jets right now as I type this blog entry! Even my Myspace page features “Make it Real” as its official song!

I realize I have a problem, but I have no way of controlling it. I’m addicted to The Jets and it’s never going to end!!

To make myself feel better, I’m going to addict you to The Jets. Here’s the video for Rocket 2 U.


You’re going to be singing this song all day!


MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


Enjoy!




Tee-hee-hee! I had such a crush on Haini (the lead singer on this song). I thought he was “soooo cutttteee!”

Tee-hee!!