Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Songs of 2007

Can you believe it's the end of the year already?


Furthermore, it's time for my songs of the year. That's right, your definitive list of the Songs of 2007 is right here. Right here!! You need no other list! Rolling Stone? Spin? Who are these entities? They're nobodies!! NOBODIES!!!


Okay, okay, here's the run through...


As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for Ciara's "Get Up" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.





Are you excited?










I know you're excited!











What do you mean you're not excited?!? Do you know what I go through to put this list together?!? It literally takes an entire year! I mean, I literally hear a song, ponder it, and then add it to a draft post that just sits on blogger as a non-post for the entire year. Yes, I have that much dedication!




So, I ask you again...




Are you excited?











Okay, that's better...








Shoot...







I just realized that the song is playing in the background. That totally defeated the purpose of all this hype...









Gawd! I can't do anything right these days. Okay, okay....









Reese's Song of 2007...


















"Typical" by Mute Math






Edit: I shut off Auto-Play. It was getting annoying. lol!








Also check out the video for "Typical." It really has to be one of the best videos of the year. I mean, they actually had to learn how to play and sing their song backwards! Very impressive...









Taking over for K.T. Tunstall's "Eye to the Telescope" as CD of the Year this year is the self-titled CD by Mute Math. I know, it's the first time that a CD of the Year and Song of the Year were by the same artist. We're making history here!!



Okay, okay so the following are the best of the rest. You can go make an awesome playlist now and tell everyone that you owe it all to my genius.


Peace! :D


------------------------------------





"1234" Feist

"(Never Gonna) Steal My Joy" Mandisa

"Apologize" Timbaland

"Calabria" Enur f/t Natasja

"Chaos" Mute Math

"Duffle Bag Boy" Playaz Circle f/t Lil' Wayne

"Fine" Mary J. Blige

"Get it Shawty" Lollyd

"Get me Bodied" Beyonce

"Girlfriend (Remix)" Avril Lavigne & Lil Mama

"Icebox" Omarion

"It's not Over" Daughtry

"Kiss Kiss" Chris Brown

"Kitty Kat" Beyonce

"Like This" Kelly Rowland f/t Eve

"Lip Gloss" Lil Mama

"Make Me Wonder" Maroon 5

"Paralyzer" Finger Eleven

"Promise Ring" Tiffany Evans

"Rockstar" Nickleback

"Sensual Seduction" Snoop Dog

"Shut up and Drive" Rihanna

"So High" Grind Mode

"Stronger" Kanye West

"Tambourine" Eve

"The Way I Are" Timbaland

"This is Why I'm Hot" Mims

"Umbrella" Rihanna

"Whine Up" Kat DeLuna f/t Elephant Man

"You" Lollyd f/t Little Wayne

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Saturday, December 08, 2007

To Depths Unknown...

December is Colon Cancer Awareness Month…



Well, I’m not sure if that is true. Let me start over…



December is Reese the Law Girl’s Colon Cancer Awareness Month. The reason why is because every December, for the rest of my life, I will be partaking in the wonderful diagnostic/medical screening test called a colonoscopy (and endoscopy).

I love my family, I really do; but, unfortunately, my family has passed on a genetic predisposition to colon cancer. Every one of my family members who has had a colonoscopy has woken up from their general anesthesia haze after the test only to be told by their gastroenterologist that they had some benign tumors called “polyps” somewhere up their digestive tracks. Unfortunately, some family members found out too late that their polyps were malignant and some family members are no longer with us because of those tumors.


Sigh.


In any case, this is not supposed to be a sad post, but a lightly humorous one where I encourage you to not assume that colon cancer is an “old person’s” disease and push you to go get the damn test! Think of this, as a “Guide to a Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy).” I will tell you everything to expect using my First Annual Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy) as the basis to help you through this process.



Tip #1: Find a Really Cool Gastroenterologist


I suggest finding a doctor who entertains you through this “harrowing” experience. My doctor, oh let’s call her Dr. Perfect, is great. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and a perfect butt and makes me feel perfectly insecure as I go through these procedures…


Dr. Perfect [walks into surgical room while I’m desperately trying to get the extra small hospital blanket and surgical pj’s to cover up my less then perfect butt]: “Hi, hun! How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “I’m uncomfortable…”

Dr. Perfect [holding a cappuccino, checking out her perfect butt in the reflective surgical storage locker]: “Aww, everyone is, you’re not alone.”

Reese: “Umm…does everyone have to…ummm…see me…like this…”

Dr. Perfect: “Oh, hun. We are medical professionals. Do you know how many backsides we see in a day?”

Reese: “Thousands?”

Dr. Perfect: “Yes, hun. Thousands.”

“Now take in all that nice oxygen and when you wake up it’ll all be over.”


Reese [losing consciousness and attempting to speak through the mouth guard]:

“If you all talk badly about meee…my subconscious…will…remmmemmbbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”




Now that I think about it, Dr. Perfect isn’t all that entertaining. All she’s good for is making you feel inadequate.


Bitch.



Tip #2: Don’t Make the Mistake of Telling People That you’re Fasting the Day Before


In order to get a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy you can’t eat anything the day before the test. Because I find telling everyone about my medical misadventures “fun,” I stupidly made the mistake of telling my co-workers that I was fasting for a colonoscopy and to keep any and all food away from me. Needless to say they enjoyed messing with me the whole day…


Marcy: “Oh Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Marcy: “The Judge gave me a chocolate cookie. He said not to show it to you. Look at it!”

Reese [attempts to dodge chocolate cookie]: “No! I don’t want to look at it!”

Marcy [shoves cookie in Reese’s face]: “LOOK AT IT!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOO!!!”




Tip #3: Eat Lots of Chicken Broth the Day Before


Okay, you can eat chicken broth during your fast. I suggest Swanson’s Chicken Broth sprinkled with a little season salt. Then, while you’re eating said broth, watch the Food Network and imagine you’re eating the food on the television.


Really, this is the only way to make chicken broth taste good.




Tip #4: Use a Shuttle Service to Pick You Up and Take You Home After the Procedure. Make Sure the Shuttle Driver is Cute to Maximize Your Uncomfortableness.


So, I used a shuttle service to take me to the outpatient surgery center and to take me home afterwards (because of the anesthesia you are not allowed to drive after the colonoscopy). I didn’t count on my shuttle driver being the FIRST HOT GUY I’VE SEEN IN THE TWO YEARS THAT I HAVE LIVED IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!



AND ALSO NOT GAY!!!!!



Hot Guy: “Hola. How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “Ummm…okay…”

Hot Guy [Flirty]: “That is good. That is very good.”

Reese: [uncomfortable]

Hot Guy: “So…oh…is that your cell phone ringing?”

Reese: “Uhh…yeah… [Reese picks up the phone]”

“Ummm…hey, Dad.”


Dad: “Reese! Wazzz upppppp?!?!”

Reese: “Dad, can I call you back later…I have to go…”

Dad: “Where you going?”

Reese: “Ummm…to see my doctor…”

Dad: “You sick or something?”

Reese: “Ummm…no…I just have to get a little test, you know?”

Dad: “What kind of test?”


[Hot Guy Looks at Reese and is Totally Eavesdropping]


Reese [embarrassed, whispers]: “ *a test*…”

Dad: “What KIND of test?!? Are you dying or something?”

Reese [testily whispers]: “ *no Dad!*…”

Dad: “Then what KIND of test?!?”

Reese [talks under breath]: “…a colonoscopy…”

Dad: “What?!?”

Reese: “I’LL TEXT MESSAGE IT TO YOU!!”

Dad: “No, that costs too much money! That’s how they get you!”

Reese: “DAD!!”

Dad: “Are you pregnant?”

Reese: “IT’S A COLONOSCOPY, OKAY!! A COLONOSCOPY!!!”


Hot Guy: [totally weirded out]


Reese [slaps forehead]: “Awww, man…”

Dad: “A colonoscopy, eh?!? That’s your mother’s fault! She passed that on to you. It didn’t come from MY side of the family!”

Reese: “Okay, dad…”



Tip #5: When all Else Fails, Find Humor in Your Fellow Same Day Surgery Patients


The great thing about going to an outpatient/same day surgery center is that you get to be in one big room observing everyone else wake up from general anesthesia. For example, some people wake up confused…



Nurse: “Hello, Mr. Smith. Are you awake now?”

Mr. Smith: “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?! DID I HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT?!? WHAT’S GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?!?!?”



And some people wake up depressed…



Nurse: “Hello, Ms. Jones. Are you awake now?”

Ms. Jones [weeping]: “OH MY GAWWWDDD!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Nurse: “Ms. Jones it’s okay. You just got out of surgery…”

Ms. Jones [crying profusely]: “WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Nurse [sympathetic]: “Ms. Jones, why are you crying?”

Ms. Jones [crying, sniffling]: “I…DON’T….KNOW…I’M JUST…SO…SAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD…”




And, of course, there’s my reaction…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse [totally spooked]: “Ummm…no…”

Reese: “Okay…good then…”

“I’m going back to sleep now…”




5 minutes later…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse: “What?? No…I just told you “no” 5 minutes ago…”

Reese: “Oh…okay…good then…”

“Can I have some more of that anesthesia so I can go back to sleep?”

Nurse: “NO! WAKE UP!!”

Reese [disappointed]: “Ohhh-kaayyy…”



Really, the anesthesia is the best part.




Okay, well, I’m certain that my guide to colonoscopy/endoscopy has totally sold you on getting your very own little colonoscopy/endoscopy in the near future. Really and truly, although the process can be a bit uncomfortable, it’s for the best. If I hadn’t gone then perhaps the little tumor Dr. Perfect found in my colon area, and destroyed while she was in there, would have turned into cancer and then I’d be writing about why I should have had the test a long time ago.

If you have health insurance, use it and get the test done. If you don’t have health insurance or your health insurance won’t let you get the test because you’re too young, find out how much a colonoscopy cost in your area, save your money and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF! It’s that important!


Get it done now. It’ll be an adventure and you’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief later on.



Peace and Good Health! :)






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