Saturday, December 08, 2007

To Depths Unknown...

December is Colon Cancer Awareness Month…



Well, I’m not sure if that is true. Let me start over…



December is Reese the Law Girl’s Colon Cancer Awareness Month. The reason why is because every December, for the rest of my life, I will be partaking in the wonderful diagnostic/medical screening test called a colonoscopy (and endoscopy).

I love my family, I really do; but, unfortunately, my family has passed on a genetic predisposition to colon cancer. Every one of my family members who has had a colonoscopy has woken up from their general anesthesia haze after the test only to be told by their gastroenterologist that they had some benign tumors called “polyps” somewhere up their digestive tracks. Unfortunately, some family members found out too late that their polyps were malignant and some family members are no longer with us because of those tumors.


Sigh.


In any case, this is not supposed to be a sad post, but a lightly humorous one where I encourage you to not assume that colon cancer is an “old person’s” disease and push you to go get the damn test! Think of this, as a “Guide to a Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy).” I will tell you everything to expect using my First Annual Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy) as the basis to help you through this process.



Tip #1: Find a Really Cool Gastroenterologist


I suggest finding a doctor who entertains you through this “harrowing” experience. My doctor, oh let’s call her Dr. Perfect, is great. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and a perfect butt and makes me feel perfectly insecure as I go through these procedures…


Dr. Perfect [walks into surgical room while I’m desperately trying to get the extra small hospital blanket and surgical pj’s to cover up my less then perfect butt]: “Hi, hun! How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “I’m uncomfortable…”

Dr. Perfect [holding a cappuccino, checking out her perfect butt in the reflective surgical storage locker]: “Aww, everyone is, you’re not alone.”

Reese: “Umm…does everyone have to…ummm…see me…like this…”

Dr. Perfect: “Oh, hun. We are medical professionals. Do you know how many backsides we see in a day?”

Reese: “Thousands?”

Dr. Perfect: “Yes, hun. Thousands.”

“Now take in all that nice oxygen and when you wake up it’ll all be over.”


Reese [losing consciousness and attempting to speak through the mouth guard]:

“If you all talk badly about meee…my subconscious…will…remmmemmbbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”




Now that I think about it, Dr. Perfect isn’t all that entertaining. All she’s good for is making you feel inadequate.


Bitch.



Tip #2: Don’t Make the Mistake of Telling People That you’re Fasting the Day Before


In order to get a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy you can’t eat anything the day before the test. Because I find telling everyone about my medical misadventures “fun,” I stupidly made the mistake of telling my co-workers that I was fasting for a colonoscopy and to keep any and all food away from me. Needless to say they enjoyed messing with me the whole day…


Marcy: “Oh Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Marcy: “The Judge gave me a chocolate cookie. He said not to show it to you. Look at it!”

Reese [attempts to dodge chocolate cookie]: “No! I don’t want to look at it!”

Marcy [shoves cookie in Reese’s face]: “LOOK AT IT!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOO!!!”




Tip #3: Eat Lots of Chicken Broth the Day Before


Okay, you can eat chicken broth during your fast. I suggest Swanson’s Chicken Broth sprinkled with a little season salt. Then, while you’re eating said broth, watch the Food Network and imagine you’re eating the food on the television.


Really, this is the only way to make chicken broth taste good.




Tip #4: Use a Shuttle Service to Pick You Up and Take You Home After the Procedure. Make Sure the Shuttle Driver is Cute to Maximize Your Uncomfortableness.


So, I used a shuttle service to take me to the outpatient surgery center and to take me home afterwards (because of the anesthesia you are not allowed to drive after the colonoscopy). I didn’t count on my shuttle driver being the FIRST HOT GUY I’VE SEEN IN THE TWO YEARS THAT I HAVE LIVED IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!



AND ALSO NOT GAY!!!!!



Hot Guy: “Hola. How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “Ummm…okay…”

Hot Guy [Flirty]: “That is good. That is very good.”

Reese: [uncomfortable]

Hot Guy: “So…oh…is that your cell phone ringing?”

Reese: “Uhh…yeah… [Reese picks up the phone]”

“Ummm…hey, Dad.”


Dad: “Reese! Wazzz upppppp?!?!”

Reese: “Dad, can I call you back later…I have to go…”

Dad: “Where you going?”

Reese: “Ummm…to see my doctor…”

Dad: “You sick or something?”

Reese: “Ummm…no…I just have to get a little test, you know?”

Dad: “What kind of test?”


[Hot Guy Looks at Reese and is Totally Eavesdropping]


Reese [embarrassed, whispers]: “ *a test*…”

Dad: “What KIND of test?!? Are you dying or something?”

Reese [testily whispers]: “ *no Dad!*…”

Dad: “Then what KIND of test?!?”

Reese [talks under breath]: “…a colonoscopy…”

Dad: “What?!?”

Reese: “I’LL TEXT MESSAGE IT TO YOU!!”

Dad: “No, that costs too much money! That’s how they get you!”

Reese: “DAD!!”

Dad: “Are you pregnant?”

Reese: “IT’S A COLONOSCOPY, OKAY!! A COLONOSCOPY!!!”


Hot Guy: [totally weirded out]


Reese [slaps forehead]: “Awww, man…”

Dad: “A colonoscopy, eh?!? That’s your mother’s fault! She passed that on to you. It didn’t come from MY side of the family!”

Reese: “Okay, dad…”



Tip #5: When all Else Fails, Find Humor in Your Fellow Same Day Surgery Patients


The great thing about going to an outpatient/same day surgery center is that you get to be in one big room observing everyone else wake up from general anesthesia. For example, some people wake up confused…



Nurse: “Hello, Mr. Smith. Are you awake now?”

Mr. Smith: “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?! DID I HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT?!? WHAT’S GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?!?!?”



And some people wake up depressed…



Nurse: “Hello, Ms. Jones. Are you awake now?”

Ms. Jones [weeping]: “OH MY GAWWWDDD!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Nurse: “Ms. Jones it’s okay. You just got out of surgery…”

Ms. Jones [crying profusely]: “WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Nurse [sympathetic]: “Ms. Jones, why are you crying?”

Ms. Jones [crying, sniffling]: “I…DON’T….KNOW…I’M JUST…SO…SAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD…”




And, of course, there’s my reaction…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse [totally spooked]: “Ummm…no…”

Reese: “Okay…good then…”

“I’m going back to sleep now…”




5 minutes later…





Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse: “What?? No…I just told you “no” 5 minutes ago…”

Reese: “Oh…okay…good then…”

“Can I have some more of that anesthesia so I can go back to sleep?”

Nurse: “NO! WAKE UP!!”

Reese [disappointed]: “Ohhh-kaayyy…”



Really, the anesthesia is the best part.




Okay, well, I’m certain that my guide to colonoscopy/endoscopy has totally sold you on getting your very own little colonoscopy/endoscopy in the near future. Really and truly, although the process can be a bit uncomfortable, it’s for the best. If I hadn’t gone then perhaps the little tumor Dr. Perfect found in my colon area, and destroyed while she was in there, would have turned into cancer and then I’d be writing about why I should have had the test a long time ago.

If you have health insurance, use it and get the test done. If you don’t have health insurance or your health insurance won’t let you get the test because you’re too young, find out how much a colonoscopy cost in your area, save your money and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF! It’s that important!


Get it done now. It’ll be an adventure and you’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief later on.



Peace and Good Health! :)






© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

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7 Comments:

Blogger derek said...

The Ravens had a colonoscopy too...except theirs had no anesthesia.

Anything that will allow us more years of Reese is a good thing :-)

When I start getting prostate exams, I will post about that...then you make jokes about that. I know you want to..;-).

9:36 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Oh! Someone thinks they're funny with all their Ravens jokes. Uh-huh. That's okay. I have three words for you that Cleveland will never be able to utter...

Super Bowl Champs. ;p~~~

Anyways, I will not make any jokes about prostate exams or other unpleasantries. They are a necessity of life and everyone will have to go through something similar if they want to live a nice, long life. :)

10:12 AM  
Blogger derek said...

At least we didn't lose to Miami...:-)

I enjoy Ravens schadenfrude :-D

9:36 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Boooooo!!!

No one wants to hear your hate, hater!!!

Boooooo!!!

You's a hater!!!

Boooooooooo!!!1

3:04 PM  
Blogger derek said...

*muah*

You know I have love for you Reese...but the Ravens still suck!

The Browns have 9 wins and two of them against....hmmm, the Ravens?

3:43 PM  
Blogger Falone said...

Found you on C-1's blog... lol you're hilarious! I think you've convinced me to get one in a couple of years. :)

6:30 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Falone,

Thanx for stopping by! I hope I have inspired millions with my little guide.

Well, I would be happy with inspiring one person...or half a person, I'd be happy with that too. ;)

11:43 PM  

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