Friday, July 06, 2007

Year of the 30: July

July 6, 2007: 9:00pm


Dear Diary,


Well, it’s about to happen. The inevitable. I’m turning 30!

The last time I wrote you it was 1997 and I was just minutes away from turning 20. This time it’s 2007 and I’m hours away from turning 30. I would stay up until midnight like I did last time, but I’m too tired to do something like that.

Yes, that’s right- I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m old. But, that’s life, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

You know, surprisingly I’m not that torn up about turning 30. I feel like it’s just my time, you know?

No, I do not think I’m dying. I’m just okay with moving into my 3rd decade. I understand that I’m not a young kid anymore. I mean, for one thing, I now get old people’s diseases.

The last week of my twenties will forever be remembered for the first time that I experienced vertigo. No, I don’t mean dizziness from going on some insane ride at King’s Dominion. I mean real vertigo. Or, scientifically speaking, benign positional vertigo disorder.

What are the symptoms, you ask? Well, I get up from bed and, basically, the room starts spinning. I lay my head to the side and the room starts spinning. I breathe and the room starts spinning.

The doctors say I had some sort of viral ear infection. But, I know the truth. I’m just getting old. My body is just breaking down. I guess I’m going to have to get used to my body failing me- you know, now that I’m an old person. It’s a kind of shocking thing to get used too though…


But...


...actually…


…to tell you the truth…


…now that I think about it…


…I take that back!!


My body has always failed me!


Stupid body!!


If I can recall correctly, the last 30 years has been nothing but my body failing me...



Birth

Doctor: “Your daughter is going to have to get an eye surgery at some point in the future.”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby!?!?!?!”

Doctor: “Her right eyelid is way too low. It’s not that big of a deal actually…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



4 Years Later…

Reese: “Oh, look it’s my old stroller. I’m going to climb into it… backwards.”

CRASH!!!

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



3 Years Later…

Reese: “pdpfdjlfkdfjkdjfdkjfdkjfdkfjdkfjdkjkfdjfkdjd…”

Doctor: “Ma’am…your daughter is very sick…”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby?!?!”

Doctor: “Your daughter has…”


[hold for dramatic pause]


Doctor: “Hawaiian Fever…fever…fever…fever…”

Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Mom: “Ummm…what is that, actually? I mean, Reese has never been to Hawaii!”

Doctor: “It’s a foreign strand of flu. Your daughter probably caught it from the Navy brats she goes to school with.”

Reese: “ pdfjdkdpdpdjdkdkdjdjdjdkdopdpdklddodop…”

Doctor [looks at Reese strangely]: “Yes…she’s…very…ill…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



5 Years Later…

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Mom [runs into the room- with her eyes closed]: “Okay, Reese. I’m going to open my eyes right now…”

Reese [makes noises like she’s struggling with something]

Mom: “…and when I open my eyes you’re not going to be very ill or require some sort of surgery or stitches…”

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom [eyes still closed]: “Sigh. How bad is it?”

Reese: “IT’S BAD!! IT’S BAD!!”

Mom: “Tell me what it is before I open my eyes, so I can prepare myself.”

Reese: “Well…”

Mom: “Yes…”

Reese: “I THINK I BROKE MY NECK!!!”

Mom: “WHAT?!?”


Reese's mom opens her eyes to find Reese in her bed with Reese’s head completely tilted to the right, sitting on top of her shoulder…

Reese is unable to move her neck.

At all.



Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Reese: “MY NECK WON’T MOVE!!! IT WON’T MOVE!!! IT’S…”

Mom: [inhales deeply]

Reese: “BROKEN!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!!”



2 Years Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”



1 Month Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My, baby.”



1 Week Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My…my…my, I’m really getting sick of this.”



1 Minute Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My Stupid CLUMSY DAUGHTER!!!”




3 Years Later…

CC [calls Mom at work]: “MOM!!!”

Mom: “Sigh. Reese fell down again?”

CC: “Mom you have to come quick! SHE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!”

Mom: “CC, you’re a newcomer to this. I’ll take her to the doctor tomorrow.”

CC: “SHE CUT OFF HER FINGER!!!”

Mom: “What??”

Reese: “I NEED GAUZE BANDAGES, STAT!!!”

CC: “WE DON’T HAVE GAUZE BANDAGES!!!”

Reese: “I NEED SOMETHING TO STOP THE BLEEDING!!!”

Mom: “WHAT’S GOING ON??”

CC: “HERE- TAKE MY SOCK!!!”

Reese: “YOU WERE JUST WEARING THAT SOCK!!!”

CC: “WELL… I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!!!”

Mom: “I’M ON MY WAY!!!”

Reese: “GET ME A TOWEL OR WASH CLOTH OR SOMETHING!!!”

CC: “OKAY…”

Reese: “AND MAKE SURE IT’S CLEAN!!!”

Mom: [running]

Mom’s Boss: “Opal, where are you going?”

Mom: “IT’S…IT’S…MY BABY!!!”




Hahahaha…good times. Good times.

You know, the finger incident story continues with my mom desperately trying to clean up the blood from the kitchen floor with bleach before she actually takes me to the hospital. The story ends with a blood splatter in my doctor’s face and my mother trying to ease his worries by letting him and the whole hospital know that I didn’t have any diseases as I was a virgin.


Yeah...I would write more about that, but now that I think about it, it was an incredibly embarrassing incident and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.


So, anyways…where were we? Ah, yes! I’m old and my body has always failed me.

Sometimes I wonder if my incredible bad luck is on account of my very unique birthday: 7/7/77. I mean everyone is having a stroke because Saturday is 7/7/07. But, that really doesn't mean anything. I mean, I have four sevens! And it hasn't done anything for me. Hard work and preserverence are the only things that will get you anywhere- not a fluke day.

I say that, but of course the 6 other girls who were born in the same hospital as me on 7/7/77 are probably millionaires who make out with Orlando Bloom.


Witches.


It’s okay though. Really it is. I mean I've done some stuff. I persevered going to school with clan members. I graduated from evil genius high school. I went to college, went to law school, took the bar, started a blog, and lived in two crappy states. That’s something to be proud of…right?


Okay, now I admit I haven’t made much progress on the “man” front. But, I wasn’t really focused on that the last ten years. I was more focused on myself. I would be kind of depressed about that, but most women today are single from what I hear so I’m in good company.


What, else? What else? Hmmmm…


Hmph! Actually, that’s about it.


No crying. No gnashing of the teeth. No desperation. I’m actually cool with this. So, tomorrow I’ll drink some Smirnoff and eat some Ben and Jerry’s and reflect on how cool I am.


Anyways, I guess that’s it. I’ll be talking to you again in ten years. If all goes well, by then, you’ll be the diary of a judge.

And I’ll be writing about my second car break-up.

For my third car marriage, I’m thinking…a pink mini-cooper.


Sweet.


Peace!



xxx Reese the Law Girl xxx




© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Labels:

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home