Saturday, April 14, 2007

Year of the 30: April




About the song...well, I was watching I Love the 80’s.


So, I know I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. It’s really not my fault. I’m just really, really lazy.

Okay, so below you’ll see the final results of the SD Bracket Challenge. As you’ll see, I lost. I lost miserably. Although I was in first place the entire tournament going into the Final Four, I lost. All because Georgetown didn’t do its job and win the championship. One team lost me the bracket challenge. One team!

Well, I think that’s totally unfair and I expect, EXPECT, all of you to write to Sports Illustrated and insist that it change its bracket challenge rules to ensure that such an injustice never happens again!



Seriously…get to work!



Okay, okay, so check this out. In this month of the Year of the 30 I went to see an allergist. Yes, after almost 13 years of having allergic reactions every time I eat seafood and pineapples, I finally went to see an allergist…



Dr. Lopez: “I hope you’re not here so I can cure you. I don’t do that.”

Reese: “Well, duh, I’m not stupid!”

Reese note to self: allergists don’t cure allergies.


Reese: “Actually, I’m here to get an official diagnosis and to find out how bad my allergies are.”

Dr. Lopez: “Okay, we can do that. So, take off your clothes and lie on the bed.”

Reese: “Wait a minute! This isn’t the koodies doctor! I don’t have to get naked here!”

Dr. Lopez [heavy sigh]: “I can see we’re going to have issues with you, huh?”

Reese: “I don’t get naked for non-koodies doctors! I don’t get naked for koodies doctors!”

Dr. Lopez: “Ms. Law Girl, please. We have to do a back skin test to determine what you’re allergic too. It’s standard procedure and if you want an official diagnosis you’re going to have to get the test.”

Reese: “Oh, oh, well. Okay.”


So, I put on the stupid gown and the doctor and the nurse come back in with trays, upon trays of strange liquids. Now, I’m not stupid enough not to know what a skin test is. I knew it involved pricking of some sorts. Actually, I really tried not to focus on it too much. I just figured it would be mildly uncomfortable, not, well…



Reese: “HOLY CRAP THAT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Nurse: “Please keep still, Ms. Law Girl.”

Reese: “OWWWWWWWWWW, OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “If you think about something else, it won’t hurt so much. Let’s do some small talk. So, what do you do for a living, Reese?”

Reese: “Ummmm…OWWWWWWW…ehhhh…Ummmm…”

Dr. Lopez: “You don’t know what you do for a living?”

Reese: “Well…ummm…ARRRGHHHH…well, doctors sometimes get a little nervous…ummm…AGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!...about my job…”

Dr. Lopez: “The only people that make doctors nervous are lawyers. You’re not a lawyer are you?”

Reese [looks at Dr. Lopez and her imposing needles]: “No, no, of course not. Ummm…the government…I work for the government.”

Dr. Lopez [laughs]: “Oh, I get it. The IRS.”

Reese: “Ummm, well…OW OW OW OW…”

Dr. Lopez: “Well, the IRS doesn’t scare me. I’m perfectly honest on all of my tax returns.”

Reese: “Yes, I’m sure…HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA…I’m sure you’re perfect with your taxes and all.”

Dr. Lopez: “Since you’re with the IRS, maybe you could answer some tax questions for me…”

Reese [nervous]: “Ehhh, hehehe well…I’m really not allowed too…OWWWWWWWWIIIEEEEE…give advice…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, ethical concerns, huh?”

Reese [still nervous]: “Ummm…you could say that…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, but you can answer just one question…”

Reese: “Ummm, Dr. Lopez how many more of these do we have to do?”

Dr. Lopez: “About 30.”

Reese: “OH GODDDDDD!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “Now, am I allowed to deduct occupational expenses from a professional corporation related to items usually found on the [insert Charlie Brown teacher speak- wah wah wah wah wah wah]”

Reese [in pain, itching, and thinking to herself]: “Why, why did I decide to do this to myself?!?”



Anyways, after twenty minutes of itching from hell and dodging tax questions, I learned that I have a severe allergy to pineapples and a “maybe” allergy to seafood. Except that the test isn’t conclusive and based on previous reactions we know that I really do have a severe allergy to seafood. Anyways, now I have to carry around a handy dose of epinephrine everywhere I go, you know, so’s I don’t die. And, as it turns out, it’s a good thing that I got my new “epi-pen” because next week I’m going to San Francisco for work- and we all know how SanFran is a seafood mecca.

Anyways, yes, I, Reese the Law Girl, the girl who said she would never step foot in California due to her incredible phobia of earthquakes and unstoppable bad luck, is going to San Francisco. I’m actually going into this trip with optimism that I’ll have a good time and the Big One won’t hit Cali while I’m there.



Yeah…



Pray for me.



Seriously ya’ll, I’m scared. Pray for me.



-------------------------------

Final Standings of SD Bracket Challenge


1. Better Luck Next Year [formerly Team Lewis], 154 pts.

2. Team McC, 137 pts.

3. AntiPimp w/o a Golfclub, 134 pts.

4. TEAM BIG BOY, 131 pts.

5. This is Why I'm Hot, 120 pts. (but, I got the most picks right of anyone- 52!! Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna brag about something!)

6. The Jones Factor, 103 pts.

7. AkronGotScrewed, 87 pts.

8. Team Playboy, 80 pts.

9. 1st Name was a Curse (This was "The Winner" aka "Lisa"), 70 pts.

10. Haven'tWatchedaGameYet, 69 pts.

11. The Legendary Sannin, 65 pts.

12. Team Desiree, 55 pts.

13. The Flossy Flossy, 0 pts.





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6 Comments:

Blogger Karla said...

Oh Reese I am so sorry that you lost the bracket. SI obvi sucks, and does not know how cool you are and that you should have won.

LOL, only you can make a visit to an allergist so funny.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

I lived in Oakland for 2 1/2 years and only remember 2 (maybe 3) small earthquakes. I can assure you, you'll be perfectly safe. The odds are far more likely that your plane will be hijacked by militant Girl Scouts.

It's statistically proven.

Bon Voyage!

4:19 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

Despite the threat of earthquakes...the West Coast is hella cool. Yeah I said Hella.

3:14 PM  
Blogger The OE said...

I don't even know where to start with this...but I have some ideas...

8:53 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Dammit Reese, you've got to keep to a writing schedule. If I'd known you were in the Bay Area we could have turned our noses up at Pineapples together!

And I'd be happy to eat your seafood as well.

Must say, well written bit about the allergy test. I don't often actually LOL, so to speak, but the line about the nurse asking if you are a lawyer was damn funny.

3:38 AM  
Blogger derek said...

Akron got screwed...again...

1:48 PM  

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