Thursday, June 30, 2005

Observations from the Alanis Morissette JLP Acoustic Tour

Okay, so I was supposed to do this like 2 weeks ago, but I got bogged down in stuff...

Which is also why I haven't been around to update my blog this week. You know? Stuff...happened...

Alright, so this show was so awesome! The tour was in celebration of the 10th Anniversary of Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill album (yes, it has been 10 years).

Now, I suppose the tour was technically acoustic in that there were no electric instruments. But, it wasn't just Alanis and a guitar or anything. She had a full band. And, she retooled the songs. Some of them sound the same. Some didn't. But, the acoustic versions are all very cool. Some of them I think are better than the originals.

Anyways, Jason Mraz opened for Alanis. He was quite awesome. I'm now a new fan of his. He was also much taller than I thought he was. Which, of course, made him more attractive to me. Quite attractive actually. Kinda hot really...


Okay, I'm getting off course.


So, Jason was awesome. And funny, too! He joked that he was actually a contest winner and that's the only reason he gets to open for Alanis. Also, he said winning the contest has made it easier to stalk Alanis. That was very funny, actually.

Anyways, the Queen of Angry came out after Jason. She did all of the songs from Jagged Little Pill, plus Uninvited from City of Angels Soundtrack, Unsent from Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, Hands Clean from Under Rug Swept, and Eight Easy Steps from So-Called Chaos. It was an awesomely great show!

So, of course, I can't leave a show without meeting (or in Lenny Kravitz's case touching) the artist. So, CC and I went looking around the arena for where Alanis might come out so she can sign the junk we just purchased from her (t-shirts, programs, hoodies, etc.). We finally found a tour bus. We looked inside the bus and saw that the bus had a flat-screen TV covered in gold, so we knew that that was Alanis' bus. We knew this was the right place.

So, we hung out with about 50 other fans waiting to get autographs from Alanis. It was very interesting. Some of the fans were obviously stalkers. Completly unlike me and CC. But, some of them were pretty cool. And, funny too...

Random Fan #1: "Oh, my god! The door is opening!!"

Random Fan #2: "Who is it?!?!"

Random Fan #1: "It's...It's..."

Random Fan #3: "IT'S THAT GUY!!!"

All Fans: "OH MY GOD!!"

Reese: "Oh, this is so exciting!! Look, CC. It's that guy!!!!"

CC: "Who is he?"

Reese: "That guy!! Duh!!"

CC: "WHO IS HE?!?!"

That Guy [speaking with a British accent]: "I was that guy standing next to Alanis when she was on MTV Cribs."

Fans: "OH MY GOD!!! HE STOOD NEXT TO ALANIS!!!!"

Reese: "Wow. He stood next to Alanis. That's impressive."

CC: "NO, IT ISN'T!!!"

Reese: "YES, IT IS!!! YOU HAVEN'T STOOD NEXT TO ALANIS!!"

CC: "I'm about to knock Alanis upside her head if she doesn't come out soon. Where is she?!?!"

That Guy: "She's meditating."

Fans: "UGGGHHHH!!!"

CC: "SHE'S GONNA BE IN THERE FOREVER!!"

That Guy: "Okay, look you little American peons. Alanis isn't coming out for a while. But, if you want her to sign your stuff, give it to me and I'll get her to sign it."

Reese: "You think we should do it, CC?"

CC: "Yes, fool!!! I'm not staying out here a minute longer while Alanis finds her inner peace!!!"


So, we gave That Guy our programs and ticket stubs. About 15 minutes later, he came back with everything signed. So, I am now in possession of a JLP Acoustic Tour Program with Alanis' (and 3 of her band members) signature. Very cool.

In the end, I'm glad we did give our stuff to That Guy. As it turns out, Alanis did sneak out THE FRONT of the arena and went off to her next tour stop.

So, all in all I had a great time. The show was wicked (wow, I haven't said that in a while) and if it happens to stop by your city, you should definitely check it out.

The next artist I will be seeing is Teena Marie in the beginning of August. I'm so psyched for this show and my 4th row seats (WHOOO-HOOO!!!). I'll be sure to tell you guys all about it. :D



Monday, June 27, 2005

Not Much Has Changed Since I was 13

blackpanther
You are a Radical. Right on!


What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by
Quizilla

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Tivo, You Brat!!

Today, Tivo, who I thought was my best friend, played a cruel and vicious joke on me.

Well, I pressed the little “Tivo” button to see what exciting and new things my best friend had recorded for me, when I noticed a little message at the bottom of the screen. The message said, “Brad Pitt needs your help.”

Well, actually, the message said “Brad Pitt, Bono need your help.” But, I didn’t see Bono’s name in that little sentence. I only saw the words “Brad” “Pitt” “needs” “YOUR” “help.”

Naturally, I assumed that this was it. That it had finally happened. That Brad Pitt had finally come to his senses and realized that I was the one who was supposed to have his baby. I tell you, the small moment of crazy that I was experiencing was the most wonderful, pure bliss moment I’ve had since I touched Lenny Kravitz.

Anyways, so I pressed the “select” button to hear Brad’s message. Of course, Brad had to contact me through Tivo. This is what guys always do. Tell a girl’s best friend to tell her friend that he wants her to have his baby. I immediately began to think, how am I going to break this new development to my family?


Reese: “Mom…”

Mom: “Yea??”

Reese: “I’M GONNA HAVE BRAD PITT’S BABY!!”

Mom: “OH, THANK GOD!! MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO HAVE A RICH MAN’S BABY!! SHE FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT!!”


Yes, I wasn’t lying when I said I was having a moment of crazy.


So, yeah, I pressed the button. And then, Brad’s lovely face appears on my television. He tells me that he needs my help. I’m just about to start packing for California, when suddenly Bono’s face shows up.


And then, Tom Hanks shows up. And Jamie Foxx.


Look, I can’t have EVERYONE’S baby!!


And then comes Salma Hayek. Who the hell invited her to the party? I already have to deal with Jennifer and Angelina. I don’t need anymore competition!

Then Jewel, and P.Diddy, and Alfre Woodard, and Benicio Del Toro. And, that’s when I realize this isn’t a personal message from Brad. It’s a commercial for those do-gooders over at The One Campaign. They want me to feed the children and end poverty (like that’s ever going to happen).


Those BASTARDS!!


How dare they fool me into listening to their do-gooder message!!!


Needless to say, I suddenly became very depressed. I also became disillusioned with Tivo. She was supposed to be my friend. She knew how important Brad was to me. Why did she do that? That was so evil.


So, after I got over my disappointment with Brad not asking me to have his baby, I decided to rewind the commercial and actually listen to it. As it turns out, it’s actually a very noble cause. And, as Tom Hanks said, “we don’t want your money, just your time.”


Whatever.


So, okay, there are people out there who need some help with junk. In my effort to continually do something positive with my life, I’m now linking The One Campaign in my links section. You all should check it out and do some junk to help some people. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.


I still say I would have made a really good Brad’s baby’s mama.


WHATEVER!!!




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Reese the Law Girl: Advocate for Toddlers

I recently had an interesting telephone conversation with my 3 year old, second cousin. It went something like this...


Anthony: "Hi, Aunt Reese!"

Reese: "Hi, Anthony. Don't you remember I'm not your aunt, I'm your cousin?"

Anthony: "Whatcha doing Aunt Reese?"

Reese: "Your second cousin in fact..."

Anthony: "Are you going to bed, Aunt Reese?"

Reese: "No, I'm eating dinner. What are you doing?"

Anthony: "I'm getting ready to go to bed."

Reese: "Really?"

Anthony: "Yea, but I want to drink some water first. But, they won't let me!"

Reese: "They won't let you drink water? Who is "they" ?"

Anthony: "My mommy and daddy!"

Reese: "Ohhh..."

Anthony: "Yea, they won't give me no water!"

Reese: "I think that was a double negative, Anthony."

Anthony: "A dwabble negative? What's that?"

Reese: "You'll learn in elementary school."

Anthony: "I'm not in school yet, Aunt Reese."

Reese: "Yea, I know."

Anthony: "You're silly, Aunt Reese."

Reese: "Well, thank you."

Anthony: "You're welcome. But, Aunt Reese, I'm still thirsty. They won't give me no water!!"

Anthony's Dad [in the background]: "Okay, boy, get off this phone. Always tellin' people your business..."

Anthony: "Uh-oh! I gotta go, or I'm gonna get my butt beat!"

Anthony's Dad: "Boy!!!"

Anthony: "Save me, Aunt Reese! Save me!!"

Reese: "Anthony, I think you better go to bed."

Anthony: "Okay, bye Aunt Reese!!"

Deidra (Anthony's Mom): "Did you hear that boy? You know what he was trying to do?"

Reese: "Get me to tell you guys to give him some water."

Deidra: "He's something. Trying to get you to advocate on his behalf!"

Reese: "Yea. We should have never told him what a lawyer was."



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Hear My Voice!!!

this is an audio post - click to play

Tales From the Childhood: Back to School Shopping

August, 1990.

Reese's mom takes 13-year old Reese to the mall in order to purchase a new set of clothes for the school year. Reese's mom thinks this will be an easy task, but she hasn't realized that her daughter recently decided to adopt a new style of dress. Reese's determination to stick with this new style will prove problematic for the task at hand...


Mom: "Hey, Reese, try these jeans on. They're on sale."

Reese: "I'm sorry Mom, but I can't do that."

Mom: "Why not?"

Reese: "Because, those are the "Man's" jeans."

Mom: "The "Man's" jeans?"

Reese: "Uh-huh."

Mom: "And, what's wrong with the "Man's" jeans?"

Reese: "Mom!?! We are at war!!!"

Mom: "We are?"

Reese: "YES!"

Mom: "With who?"

Reese: "THE "MAN"!!"

Mom: "I see."

Reese: "We, as Black Americans, will no longer freely give our money to the “Man”.”

Mom: "We won't?"

Reese: "NO!!"

Mom: "Why not?"

Reese: "Because the "Man" is trying to take us down! But, he will not take us down..."

Mom: "Uh-oh..."

Reese: "...we will survive by ANY MEANS NECESSARY..."

Mom: "Oh, geez! I knew this was going to happen. I should have never allowed her to read the Autobiography of Malcolm X..."

Reese: "...WE DIDN'T LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK! PLYMOUTH ROCK LANDED ON US!!!"

Mom: "...or watch Do the Right Thing..."

Reese: "FIGHT THE POWER!! WE'VE GOT TO FIGHT THE POWER'S THAT BE!!!"

Mom: "Alright, alright. What do I have to buy to get you to stop quoting Malcolm X and Public Enemy???"

Reese: "I have a list of things that I am prepared to wear this school year."

Mom [reading Reese's list]: "Sigh. African medallions- only the red, green, and black kind, not the one with yellow on it, because yellow doesn't have any place on an African medallion anyways, that's just stupid..."

Reese: "Word."

Mom [still reading]: "A red, green, and Black "X" cap, and also several Black Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Marcus Garvey t-shirts..."

Reese: "Word."

Mom [continues reading]: "Any and everything Cross-Colors..."

Reese: "Cross-Colors is fresh, Mom, I'm tellin' you!!"

Mom [finishing reading]: "And a couple of New Edition/Bell Biv Devoe buttons?!?"

Reese: "Ronnie DeVoe is soooo hottt!!!"

Mom: "Alright, Reese, is any of this stuff here at the mall, because I'm not getting it if it's not."

Reese: "I KNEW the "Man" already had you brainwashed, Mom. I KNEW you would make this difficult for me. That's why I made sure we came to the only mall that has a Black-owned clothing store. Let's go!!"

Mom: "Why did I have to instill pride of culture in this girl!?!"


Reese and her mom leave Sears and arrive at the very colorful, Black-owned boutique called The Motherland.



Mom: "Oh, geez. This looks expensive..."

Reese: "Hehehehehe!!! Finally! A store just for my people!!"

Mom: "Alright. Show me what "your people" want and I'll tell you if "your family" can afford it."

Reese: "Oooooo, I want all of these medallions, these X caps, these BBD buttons..."

Mom: "Uh-huh..."

Reese: "This Cross-Colors green jacket, this Cross-Colors yellow t-shirt, and this Cross-Colors orange jumpsuit!!"

Mom: "Wow. Has Black pride rendered you color blind?"

Reese: "Ring it up, cashier!"

Mom: "Hold on. All of these Cross-Colors items cost way too much! The t-shirt alone is $40.00!!"

Reese: "Are you saying, you're not going to buy this stuff for me?"

Mom: "Yes."

Reese: "But, MOM!! You're the one who's always saying that we should support Black-owned businesses. Now, you don't want to do it. I can't believe this!!"

Mom: "I knew those words would come back to haunt me."

Reese [looking sorry and pitiful]: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!"

Mom: "Alright! Far be it from me to destroy my own child's foolish ideals. You get one BBD button and one Cross-Color's t-shirt. The rest of the stuff we'll buy off the street in the city. Bootleg is much cheaper than authentic. AND, you'll still be supporting Black-owned “businesses”."

Reese: "WORD!! THAT'S DOPE, MOM!!"

Mom: "Yea, yea, whatever."

Reese: "GET UP, GET, GET, GET DOWN! MY MOM IS THE BEST IN THIS TOWN!!!"

Mom: "Sigh. I've created a monster."




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Another Test I Stole From Lisa

Just trying to give credit where credit is due.

First, a link to Lisa (not to be confused with "Lisa") (http://www.uprootedthinking.blogspot.com)


Now, there's this great website called the Face Analyzer (http://www.faceanalyzer.com). You plug in a picture of you and it analyzes your race and tells you what type of person you are. After plugging in my picture, I learned the following:

  • I am 92% Eastern European and 8% Anglo Saxon. That's right. I'm a white girl. I guess all those black kids who used to say I "acted white" were right all along.
  • I am very intelligent (well, who am I to argue with this test; I'll accept this result).
  • I don't take very many risks (duh!).
  • I have average ambition and a very low gay factor (sorry, ladies, I'm just not feelin' you).
  • I have average honor (well, look at what I do for a living).
  • I am highly polite (true- I can't even say bad words).
  • My income is between $50,000-$100,000 (I'd say that was correct before I quit my job).
  • I have average sociability (Meh).
  • I'm very unpromiscuous (they hit the nail on the head with this one- seriously).

My archetype is Beta Academic. What's that you say? Keep Reading...

You are a long-term planner, diligent worker and avoid risk as much as possible.

You are of above average intelligence and have the ability to focus on tasks that seem unimportant at present, but can lead to greater things in the foreseeable future.

You are not confrontational unless someone directly opposes your intellectual beliefs.

You tend to be a perfectionist and quite self-conscious. You sometimes wish you were less reserved and more like some others you see who are more bold and outspoken in social situations. But as much as you try to be like them, you cannot, because you care too much about the future to ever be comfortable taking risks in social situations.


Expected Occupation: Lawyer




I'd say other than the white girl thing, this was pretty bloody accurate. Scary...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Happy Belated 6-Month Anniversary!!

Hey! I just realized that I've been doing this blog for a little over 6 months now. I'm very impressed with myself. I didn't think this would last longer than a month, let alone 6 months. My procrastination and laziness did not spell the end of this blog like I thought it would. Wow. I feel like I've grown as a person!

Anyways, I'm now taking votes for my end of the year awards. There are two awards: 2005 Song of the Year and 2005 Idiot of the Year. If you would like to submit nominees for consideration, please do so by commenting. Here are my front runners so far...

2005 Idiot of the Year (remember, the Idiot of the Year can only be 1 person and his/her idiocy cannot be equally contributed to the idiocy of others):

Jennifer Aniston

Who in their God-given right mind leaves Brad Pitt?!? WHO?!?! Not me...

A close second is District Attorney Tom Sneddon who tried the Micheal Jackson case.


2005 Song of the Year:

1 Thing by Amerie

Although, Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" is sneakin' up there. I don't know...


All right, I'm totally serious. Let me know if there are people/songs to add to the list. I'll consider all nominations for possible awards. ;)

Later days :D

Friday, June 10, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 91 to Day 120



The Fight That Really Wasn’t



[Late Spring, 2005. Something Different, Inc. (aka, Reese’s House)]


CC: “Well, fool, you’ve drained your time machine’s power. H.G. Wells can’t stand your ass and Karma told you to get a life. I think it’s time that you narrate the latest Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship edition.”

Reese: “But, I’m soooo lazy. I don’t FEEL like it. Can’t somebody else take over my narration duties? What about you?”

CC: “Hey, stupid! I’m studying for the bad ass CPA exam. I don’t have no time for this foolishness.”

Reese: “What about Poor Working Girl?”

CC: “She’s busy.”

Reese: “Doing what?”

CC: “WORKING!”

Reese: “Oh, yeah. What about Ancient Chinese Master?”

CC: “He said if you bother him one more time he’s going to telekinetically turn you inside out.”

Reese: “Ewww. Well, there’s gotta be someone. What about Dez, or J, or KOM?”

CC: “Oh, my god!!”

Reese: “What?”

CC: “Hello?!?! Dez, J, and KOM are not caricatures of real people stuck in your imagination!! They really do exist and they’re not going to take over your responsibilities just because you will them to do so!”

Reese: “Really? You mean I don’t have that power?”

CC: “No, you don’t.”

Reese: “Because, I could have sworn…”

CC: “FO’ REAL, WILL YOU JUST TELL THIS STORY?!? DANNNG!!”

Reese: “ ‘Fo’ Real,’ huh? CC, you’re a genius!!”

CC: “What is your ignorant butt talking about now?!?”

Reese: “I know the perfect person to guest narrate for me!!!”

CC: “Who?!?!”


[Guest Narrator]

WAZ, UP BITCHES!??! YO, I’M DJ, YO’ GUEST NARRATOR! AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE FRESHEST, MOST ILLIST EDITION OF WELCOME TO A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP!!! FO’ SHIZZLE!!!!!

When my be-otch Reese said she was lazy like a mother [insert bad word] bitch, I told her fo’ sho’ I would tell this story for ya’ll. Because, you know, ya’lls like my [insert racial epithet]’s.


Reese: “DJ! You’re supposed to follow the format I laid out for you!”

DJ: “Word, word! A [insert racial epithet] forgot. YO, REWIND THAT [insert bad word]!!”


[Cue Record Playing Backwards: wejkdofuigodsiosdfjklewiocm]


Thanx, Kid Cool for the special F/X. Why don’t you hit us up with some fightin’ music, dog?


Kid Cool: “Ain’t nothin’ brotha.”


[Cue T.I.’s “Bring ‘Em Out”]


Aight! When we last visited wit our [insert racial epithet]’s Mike and Lisa, we saw how they was livin’ in the past. Lisa was a playah; Mike was oblivious, and Karma had big plans for him.


Yo, ya’ll on the DL, you can’t be messin’ with Karma. Last night, I was at Fantasy chillin’ with Karma, when Beyonce’s fine azz came walking through VIP. I ditched Karma and went to go spit some game at Beyonce. Then, all of a sudden, that SCEEZAH-BITCH, Karma went and zapped me with some syphilis!!


BITCH!!!


Anyways, back to our story. Now that these 2 fools have been hittin’ it for a while, they decided to do a road trip up to Chi-town. Before the trip even started, certain people started bitchin’ out…


Lisa: “So, you’ll pick me up tomorrow morning at 8, right?”

Mike: “Yeah, that’s what I said earlier. I’d be there at 8:00am.”

Lisa: “Alright.”

Mike: “Sorry, for being so sensitive. It’s just that, that’s why I called- to let you know I would be there at 8:00 am. You know, I just don’t like repeating myself.”

Lisa: “Huh?”

Mike: “Hello?!? Are you listening to me??”

Lisa: “What? Yeah, of course.”

Mike: “What did I just say?”

Lisa: “Some junk.”

Mike: “You know what, Lisa? You’re starting to make me a little angry.”

Lisa: [silence]

Mike: “LISA!?!”

Lisa: “What? Uhh…yeah…I understand.”

Mike: “Really? For some reason, I don’t think you do.”

Lisa: “Uh-huh. You know, Mike, something just occurred to me.”

Mike: “What?”

Lisa: “Well, sometimes the things you say, the way you say it. You annoy me sometimes.”

Mike [getting ticked off]: “I annoy you?!?”

Lisa: “Yea, and now I know why you annoy me.”

Mike [ticking off meter increasing]: “Why?!?”

Lisa: “Because, you remind me of my dad.”

Mike [ticking off meter in the red zone]: “I remind you of your dad?!? Your dad who you hardly ever speak too and have lot’s of hostility for?!? I remind you of him?!?!”

Lisa: “Yea, isn’t that interesting?”

Mike: [silence]

Lisa: “So, what time are you picking me up tomorrow morning?”



YO, YO, YO, YO!!! So, as you can see, Mike is all pissed at Lisa fo’ comparing a [insert racial epithet] to her daddy. And, also because she ain’t listenin’. Lisa just ain’t payin’ attention to Mike’s “sensitivity” and is getting ready for Chicago.


I just want to point out that Lisa is the kinda ho I like! One that don’t be gettin’ all in my grill! I might have talk to Lisa in a minute. Just as soon as I get rid of this syphilis. This [insert bad word] itches, man!!


Anyways, so our wacked out peeps make it safe to the Winday-Citay. While, in Chicago, Lisa and Mike chill in various places. Lisa is havin’ a good time, you know? But, Mike, he’s just a little quiet. Like he’s broodin’ or something.

What?

Ya’ll didn’t know I knew how to use “broodin’” in a sentence? Man, ya’ll some ignorant [insert racial epithet]’s!


Latah, Mike and Lisa have breakfast with Mike’s sister, Brenda.


Brenda: “I really like you, Lisa. But, it kind of surprises me that Mike would be dating you.”

Lisa: “Why is that?”

Brenda: “Well, you seem dead set against getting married. And, Mike wants to get married.”

Lisa: “What?!?! Mike doesn’t want to get married. Obvious by the fact that he wouldn’t marry Amy.”

Brenda: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lisa: “What?”

Brenda: “Duh! He didn’t want to marry Amy. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get married.”

Lisa: “No, way, you’re wrong.”

Brenda: “No, you’re wrong.”

Lisa: “Umm, okay, Mike is right here. Mike, what do you have to say?”

Inside Mike’s Head: “If I remain silent, clearly Lisa will know that I want to get married.”

Inside Lisa’s Head: “If Mike doesn’t say anything, clearly he doesn’t want to embarrass his sister by pointing out her flawed logic.”

Mike: [silence]

Lisa & Brenda: “SEE?!? I was right!!”


Yea, so, despite this blip, Mike and Lisa continue to have an aight time in Chicago. Event tho’ Lisa notices that Mike is kinda silent the whole weekend. As it turns out, Lisa was in a beef she didn’t even know about…


Lisa: “Well, I can’t wait to get back home. My Tivo is probably overloaded.”

Mike: “Umm, listen, Lisa, you should know that I’m thinking about breaking up with you.”

Lisa: “What?”

Mike: “Look, I don’t like how you’re always attacking me!”

Lisa: “Attacking you?”

Mike: “Yea, stabbing me in the back. I can’t stand that!”

Lisa: “Have you lost your mind!?!”

Mike: “Oh, don’t try to act like you don’t know what’s going on now. You know we’ve been fighting since before we left for Chicago.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?! What are we fighting about?!?”

Mike: “Several things!”

Lisa: “Like???”

Mike: “Well, for one how you emotionally assaulted me on the phone. And, then how you totally were speaking for me at breakfast with my sister. And, also how…”


YO, YO, YO!!! At this point in time, Reese has instructed me to let you know what Lisa is hearing while Mike is airin’ out his beefs…


What Lisa Hears: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”


Mike: “LISA! Are you even listening to me?!?!”

Lisa: “Uhhh, yea. Look, Mike this relationship isn’t going to last long if we keep having fights I’m not even aware of. If you want to break up, that would kind of suck, but it would be cool.”

Mike: “Well, I didn’t say I wanted to break up. I said I was thinking about it.”

Lisa: “Right.”

Mike: “I mean, now that you understand, then we don’t have to break up.”

Lisa: “Whatever.”

Mike: “You do understand, right?”

Lisa: [silence]

Mike: “LISA!!”

Lisa: “What?!? Oh, yeah, I…uhhh…empathize with your feelings.”

Mike: “Good.”

Lisa: “Whatever.”



WHAT THE [insert bad word]?!?! YO, Man, I’m a pimp, but even I can check what’s up with these two bitches…


Mike and Lisa suffer from a constant problem that most couples face. That of a lack of communication. They must not only air out their grievances, but, they must also listen to each other. Without a better communication dynamic, their relationship is doomed to fail…



A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THESE [insert racial epithet]’s GONNA BREAK the [insert bad word] UP!!!!!!!


Aight, aight, Reese says tune in for the next installment of
Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 121 to Day 151. A “Love”-ly Christmas Present.




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

It's Coming...

Just so you know, I write best when under pressure.

Tomorrow, I'm going to write about "Mike and Lisa."

I SWEAR!

I already have a working outline...

...in my head...

But, that's besides the point. I will win this challenge. I will.

Tomorrow.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

An Ultimatum

I am so lazy.

I have been my whole life.

In the 6th grade, I decided to sleep in my sleeping bag instead of on my bed, so I wouldn't have to make my bed in the morning.

While this is not an excuse, it does explain why I haven't done a "Mike & Lisa" update in over a month. Thus, I'm issuing myself a challenge:

I am going to have a new Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship installment up by Saturday, June 11th. If I don't, I will return the brand new outfit that I just bought today.

Yes, I am going to sacrifice my wardrobe for the enjoyment of all you cool cats out there.

Okay, there. The challenge has been issued.


I can do this. I really can.


I mean, I did 7 years of higher education straight through.


Obviously, I can write one little article in 7 days.


Hmmm??


I better go find my receipt...

Friday, June 03, 2005

Google Me: For Your Information

  • I'm the #2 Website when you search "Halle Berry Then and Now" on Yahoo.
  • I'm the #7 Website when you search "Halle Berry is tall" on Yahoo.
  • I'm the #4 Website when you search "lisben hot girls" on the Google Canada site.
  • I'm the #5 Website when you search "how to hogtie people" on the Netscape search site.

Fascinating!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

My Desert Adventure: Part 2

Day 3

Today, was an awesome day. First, all of the OS’s had breakfast in one of the conference rooms at the Hyatt. I’m not sure, but I think one of us threatened some sort of retribution to the Tamaya staff if we didn’t get free breakfast. They were very happy to comply.

Anyways, so our guest speaker was Nely Galan. She’s this awesome woman who basically made Telemundo what it is today and created the guilty pleasure show The Swan. She was gorgeous and totally inspiring. And, she can name drop with the best of them. I mean, Norman Leer gave her a television studio. Rupert Murdoch gave her 5 million dollars! Absolutely, outrageous. Do you know what I would do for 5 million dollars? I mean, really, you don’t want to know what I would for 5 million dollars. I’d do some crazy mess for 5 million dollars. But, that’s getting off track. Nely didn’t have to do anything nuts for 5 million dollars. She just had to be creative and a go getter and she got 5 million dollars. That’s pretty sweet. And, I have to say, she’s my newest hero.

So after the Nely session, the OS’s and I had lunch by the pool. I believe there was some Wild Breeze drinks and Killer Punch involved. I can’t quite remember as the blinding light from the sun injured my brain. What I do remember is that after lunch, some of us went swimming. Now, here’s my next race based realization-


Ahem.


Hello. My name is Reese the Law Girl. I am African-American and I need to tan.


I mean, how the hell did my legs get yellow? Yellow, for pete’s sake! What happened to my nice brown skin? I know it was cold this winter and I stayed indoors for much of it, but DAMN! That was kind of embarrassing.


So, after hanging out by the pool (where CC and Jay did the water slide 500 million times- I’m not kidding they really did), we all had a slumber party in Alisa’s phat (yea, with a “ph”) suite.

The OS’s and I first watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman. This movie was hilarious. It was about…


Okay, wait. I’m not even going to pretend I care what the movie was about.


This movie starred his hotness Shemar Moore.

Oh.

My.

God.

The man is soooo hot!! The entire movie, the OS’s were just salivating over Shemar. He’s so hot. He’s so hot it hurts. It physically pains me to see this hot man that I cannot touch. I just want to touch him. And so did all of the other OS’s…


Reese: “So, Jo, how many times does Shemar have to ask you to get in his car?”

Jo: “Are you kidding? He doesn’t even have to ask. In fact, the window just has to come down partially before I start banging on it- “Let me in! LET ME IN!!”


Yea, so as you can see we had a little Shemar ooggle-fest. It was fun. We also ate lots of pizza and drank lots of wine. There was a little balcony jumping scare, but in the end, it was all good (I kid because I love- the OS’s know what I’m talking about here ;).


Day 4

So, this was the last full day of my vacation. It was a little weird.

Well, the schedule was a little off, so we didn’t really know what was going on. In the end, some Christian Talk Show people stopped by to “jam” with us. I sat and ate breakfast with them. They were so serious, so I tried to make them laugh some…


Christian Guy #1: “Well, Jane here was abused and raped and beaten. And Anna was beaten, raped, and abused.”

Reese: “Jesus Christ!”

Christian Guy #2: “Yes, God is good.”

Reese: “Right. So, ummm, you all are from California, huh?”

Christian Guy #1: “Yea.”

Reese: “You know, I’m afraid to go to California. Earthquakes and everything.”

Jane: “Really? You know it’s not that bad.”

Reese: “Well, see, the thing is- I like to run away from my natural disasters.”

Anna: “But, god will protect you.”

Reese: “Yea, but God gave me a right mind and free will. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me standing on a fault line, jumping up and down…”

Christian People: [silence]

Christian Guy #1: Do you believe in God?”

Reese: “See, I’m just joking…that wasn’t me trying to say that there is no God…umm…I have to go make bread now.”


I really did have to go make bread. CC and I had a bread making appointment with a wonderful woman at the Tamaya. Her name was Ms. Sanchez and she was sooo sweet. She showed us how to put yeast and lard in flour and make dough. Then she fixed our dough after we messed it all up…


CC: “Uhhh, I think I may have put to much yeast in this flour…”

Reese: “OH MY GOD!!! IT’S THE BLOB!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”


In the end, the bread came out all pretty and stuff. And it tasted so good. Thanx Ms. Sanchez for adding 5 pounds worth of carbs to my food intake for the day!

After bread making, again the OS’s and I hung out at the pool. Again, CC and Jay went up and down the water slide another 600 million times. I think they may have pushed some of the kiddies out of the way to do that slide so many times.

After the pool, LE (I’m not calling her Lisa, because there are WAY to may “Lisa’s” on this blog) and I went to the spa. We did the whirlpool and hung out in this area where you just lay on these relaxing lawn chairs and go to sleep.

Ahhhh...good times…

So, later, while LE and CC went bike riding and lizard watching, I took a nap in my nice room. Because, I’m lazy.

Later, all the OS’s had a great last dinner together. We joked and talked and joked some more.

Much, much later, the OS’s had drinks at the outdoor bar. We thought we could just hang there and didn’t need to order anything. We were wrong.

Evidently, not only did we have to order drinks, we had to do it within the time limit of 3 minutes (I kid you not). Thus, the OS’s adopted “3 Minutes” or 3 fingers as our official gang symbol. We also have an official gang screamy thing (think of the AKA’s and there “sceeeeoohh” or whatever the heck it is that they do). Our screamy thing is “meeooowwww” ‘cause we talk a lot of shit.

Yea, that’s right. I said a bad word. I’m in a gang now. That’s what we gang bangers do. We say bad words!

;)


Day 5

So, this was our last day at the Tamaya. We had breakfast together and promised that we would do another trip together next year. And, I’m quite sure that we will.

CC and I (because our mom had caught an earlier flight) had a hellishly long flight back home. On the first leg of the flight, I tried to bribe the Delta lady into moving my sister and I into first class, but she said no. Then, I told her that I was in a gang called the OS’s and that I would kill her if she didn’t give me first class. She just laughed and told me to run along to coach.

Anyhoo, CC and I got back to the East Coast at around midnight. We were really tired and slept all the way from the airport to home. And, we had sweet dreams of our desert adventure all the way.


Original Sucias
2005

“Put 3 Fingers Up, Wait before You Order Your Killer Punch, and Meoowww Like You Mean It”



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


My Desert Adventure: Part 1

Day -1

Today I finished all of my shopping for my trip to the desert. I think I bought too many clothes. The total number of outfits compared to the number of days I will be in the desert doesn’t add up.


Hmmm??


Oh, well. At least I’ll look cute when I get back home.

I also stopped by the comic book store before I left so that I could have something to read on the plane…


Okay, fine. It was so I could check out Cute Comic Book Guy again. Unfortunately, his stupid butt wasn’t there. Some non-Dweezil Zappa/Luke Perry/James Dean comic book guys were there. It really sucks that he wasn’t there because I made sure I looked good too. I mean, he should know to be at the store, when I’m at the store! What a dorkus!


Day 1

So, my sister, my mom, and I all arrived in the desert today. It’s really bright here. I’m not sure my sensitive east coast eyes can take all of this sun.

So, anyways, CC and I are sitting in the airport waiting for my mom to get her bags and we notice something- there are no Black people out here in the desert. I mean, like hardly any! It’s amazing! I’ve never been anywhere where there were no Black people. It’s like the twilight zone or something. Scary.

Anyways, because CC and I are juvenile idiots, we decided to count how many Black people we see throughout the day. It’s about noon, and we’ve counted 6.

After getting the rental car, we did some sightseeing. We went to Old Town and it was very cute. We ate at the Church Street Café and the food was excellente (Oooh, wow! I’ve been here 2 hours and my 7th grade Spanish is already coming back!).

At the café, we met our 6th Black person. She’s our waitress and told us about all the sights we should see. Then, for some reason, she starts mentioning that she has sons. Then, she wants me and my sister to meet her sons. I get the strange feeling she’s trying to pimp her sons to the only young Black girls she’s ever seen in the desert. I’m so not down for random blind dates, so CC and I take a pass on that one.

Anyways, after lunch, we go shopping around Old Town. CC and my mom spend way too much money on tourist stuff. We buy some ice cream and candy apples and then watch two men in their 50’s have a fist fight outside of a T-shirt store. Something about disrespecting someone else’s honor or something. It was fascinating! I haven’t seen a real good fist fight in a while. Mainly because back home, we use guns to solve disputes. Anyways, the fight was really entertaining. I wanted to come back to Old Town to watch some more fights, but I never got the chance.


Day 2

Well, today I officially joined a gang. Our territory? The Hyatt Tamaya. But, I’ll get back to that story later.

This morning we woke up early and took a mini-road trip to the Acoma Reservation way, way, way out in the desert. I was really psyched because the Acoma have a casino and I just KNEW that I was going to meet Jacob Blackhawk today. Thus, I made sure I looked EXTRA cute. I had on my very sweet Lenny Kravitz T-shirt, some dark denim crop pants that are so cool because they actually make me look like I have J-Lo booty, and I put my hair in 2 Pocahontas type pig tails. I looked so good, ya’ll. I mean really, I did.

Anyways, so we’re driving through the Rez (yea, that’s Native slang I picked up in the desert) trying to find the main registration building so we could sign up to take the tour. As we’re driving we see all of these beautiful rock formations. We just have to get a picture. Only, we notice this big as life sign up that forbids tourists from taking pictures of anything on the reservation without a camera license. Something about disturbing the spirits and/or disrespecting the Acoma people or something. Of course, this doesn’t take away from the fact that CC and I just have to get a picture. So, we take one anyways; real quick like so no one yells at us.

After CC took the picture, I felt really bad because I mean, Native Americans are already oppressed as it is. And, here we go oppressing them more by taking pictures we weren’t supposed too. And, what’s worse, we’re Black. We should have known better. Because of this deep seated guilt, we made sure we bought a camera license when we got to the registration building.

Yea, so anyways, as we continue driving through the Rez, I start waxing poetic about how all Native American’s are poor and abandoned by the US government. And about how they’re just so bad off, you know like worse than Black people. And, that’s when my sister points out that every other house on the Reservation has a brand new beamer in the driveway. So, of course, I felt really stupid. Well, actually, worse than stupid. I felt like those Liberal White people who talk about how all Black people live in the ghetto and come from broken homes and the fathers are all in prison. You know those people, right? I laugh at them all of the time. And, now I was one of them. So, anyways, I just told my sister to shut-up and read the map.

So, we take the tour of the Mesa where we learn all of this cool history about the Acoma Pueblo Native people. It’s during the tour that I realize something- Native Americans hate White people more than Black people hate White people. That’s a lot of hate, ya’ll. I didn’t think any group could hate on White people more than Black people could. But, again, I was way, way, way wrong.


Samuel (our Acoma tour guide): “Here, you will see a bell that the Spanish traded to us in 1562.”

Random White Tourist (of course they were White, as we were the only Black people on the tour): “Oh, interesting. And what did the Acoma give the Spanish in return?”

Samuel: “Actually, I was just being nice. The real story is that the White devil came and stole 8 of our children from us. In order to look good, the god damn devil bastard gave us a god damn
f%^&*#@ bell to make it look like a f$%^&*# trade. A bell?!?! A god damn bell!!!! Only the White devil would think of something like that!!!”

Reese: “Jesus Christ!”


Yea, but Samuel was cool. He knew EVERYTHING about the Acoma and gave a great history lesson about the White devil. I wish we could have hung out some more, but alas, the tour did end eventually.

And, also, Jacob Blackhawk never showed up. The bastard!


So, later in the day we check in at the Hyatt Tamaya. I officially get inducted into the OS’s (Original Sucias). Let me tell you a little bit about my gang:

The OS’s are a group of women who met through author Alisa Valdez-Rodriguez. We basically came to the desert to hang out. And, that we did. First of all, we took over an entire resort. We hung out in one big group and basically told the hotel staff what to do the entire weekend. We also scared all of the White people at the resort. I think they thought we were rappers girlfriend’s or something.


Random Resort Guest: “Johnny, come back! I think that’s that 50 dollar rapper’s girlfriend. Don’t look her in the eye!!”


Ah, yes the reactions on many people’s faces was classic. One day, I’ll have to tell you guys about how I love scaring White people. It’s one of the few joys you get out of being Black.

Yea, so anyways, me and the other OS’s had dinner at the Hyatt Tamaya’s crappy restaurant the “Corn Maiden,” where they royally screwed us on our bill because they’re bastards! But, then we left and went salsa dancing. That was fun. Oh, and it led to another race based realization of mine-


Ahem.


Hello. My name is Reese the Law Girl. I am African-American, and I cannot dance.


Yes, it’s true. I have a standard club dance where I just move from left to right and that’s about all I can do. It’s so very, very sad. I feel like I have shamed my people. I’m sure I have. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before I get traded in the race draft for Eminem. I’m prepared though. I’ve got my cardigan and my golf clubs all ready to go. It’ll be sad not being Black anymore. I really did enjoy parts of it.


Anyways, after the OS’s took over the Cooperage and kicked everyone else off the dance floor, we went back to the Hyatt for some well deserved sleep.



Coming Up Next: Day 3, Day 4, and Day 5



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.