Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'm Back Fools!!

Well, I'm back from my Desert Adventure. The bad news is I didn't meet Jacob Blackhawk. He stood me up because he's a bastard. The good news is, I had a great time. I'm going to post an online journal about everything probably tommorrow or something.

Anyways, it's good to be back blogging. :)

Oh, the Places We'll Go

I've visited 35% of all the US states. I'm slightly impressed.




create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Tag- You're It

I've been Memed! Or Memmed? Whatever. Fruitfly (aka Mel) tagged me. Here's my answers to the following questions:

1. Total Number of Books I've Owned:

Aww, geez! I don't know. Lot's. I mean, I've had fiction, non-fiction, traditional novel type books, comic books, coloring books, text books, etc. Ummm....let's say 337. Sounds like a good number.


2. Last Book I Bought:

Oh, I think it was about 5 or 6 books all at once. Several from Jennifer Cruise (Bet Me, Crazy for You, Getting Rid of Bradley, Faking It), Shopaholic takes Manhattann by Sophia Kinsella. And some others, which I haven't even gotten to yet.


What? So, I'm in a chick lit phase right now. Deal with it.


3. Last Book I Read:


Crazy for You by Jennifer Cruise


4. Five Books That Mean A Lot To Me:

Okay, this is the thing I did with books when I was younger. I would read certain ones that I loved, but then have no allegiance to the author. So, forgive me for forgetting who wrote the following (in no particular order, except for the 1st one):

A) The Bible: Don't sleep on the Bible. Absolutely fabulous. Especially Revelations (oh, and, as a disclaimer, I'm not getting into any religious discussions, so you can just keep that to yourself).

B) Just Friends: I think that was the name of this book. I can't believe I don't remember as I read this book 5,000 times. It's told in the 1st person about these 3 friends. One of which is the prettiest, smartest, richest, most popular girl in school. A series of dramatic events involving the 3 friends and some of their other classmates tests their friendships and loyalty to each other. I LOVED this book so much as a kid. It was really great.

C) The Autobiography of Malcom X: I mean, what can you say? Malcom X was a hero of mine. Still is. (And, I'm referring to the reformed Malcom, not the all white people should die Malcom). I still wonder how/if the world would be different if Malcom X had lived.

D) Sweet Valley High: Can't remember which one, but there was one about this deaf girl who died or something. First book I read that made me cry.

E) A Death in the Family: This was a graphic novel where DC Comics actually killed off Robin. It was GREAT! Robin died, Superman flied (okay, flew), and Batman cried. Great drama.

F) A Midsummer's Night Dream: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!! I laugh out loud everytime I read it.

G) Romeo and Juliet: 'Tis the first Shakespeare play that thou doth actually understandeth. And, crieth, I dideth.


So, that's more than 5 books. Again, deal with it. ;)


5. Tag five people and have them do this on their blog:

Like Fruitfly, I'm not tagging 5 people. But, I am tagging "Lisa," Caro, and the Mon (aka Colm: You know who you are ;)

Get to Memming!! ;)


----------------------------

PS: I'm going on holiday to the desert tomorrow. I won't be back until Tuesday. Feel free to re-read junk I wrote before. Check by Lez's site and see a vlog of our Star Wars adventure (you can't see me, but you can hear me talking on the phone and laughing (you'll know it's me laughing because it is a very strange laugh)). And, please continue to leave comments about PWG. I need to decide if I will continue writing it.


PEACE OUT, FOOLS!!!




Monday, May 23, 2005

Eclectic


Click on the pictures below to read more:

Girl Next DoorProgressive GirlIndie Girl

Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com



I stole this from Lisa, and I must admit it is probably the most accurate quiz I have taken in a long time. Some highlights...

The Girl Next Door...

The Girl Next Door is from a small town, a large family, or both. She still has a healthy dose of what people 'round these parts call "family values."

She drives: a good, solid American car -- a Ford Taurus, Chevy Cavalier, or Dodge Stratus.

She owns any of the following: scrapbooks, heirloom quilts, a Bible, family recipes, her grandmother's engagement ring.


Progressive Girl...



She's America's sweetheart with an urban sensibility. She's a post-Christian spiritualist, a pre-Monica Clintonite, and a dues-paying member of at least one social-change organization like NOW, Planned Parenthood, or the Sierra Club. You won't find her at an Earth First or PETA meeting, though.

She can talk for more than ten minutes about: just about anything.

She owns any of the following: a water filter, a tabletop fountain, an acre of rain forest, a mutt from the pound.


The Indie Girl...



An Indie Girl's life is a Statement with a capital S, but unlike the Granola Girl, the statement is not political -- it's artistic. Indie Girls consider themselves actresses in the movie of life.

If you're bringing her over for a date, you are playing a character in her movie.

She can talk for more than ten minutes about: obscure pop culture.

She begins her sentences with: "It's like that Simpsons episode . . ."

She'd never: drive a mini-van.

She owns any of the following: TiVo, a mini-DV camera, an iPod, a pottery wheel, a serger, or a lava lamp.

Check it Out- Edition 4

Wow, it's been so long since I have done one of these. I have so many links to update, and so little time. Okay, here's your latest edition of Check it Out.


First, a little bit of shameless promotion. I, being the genius that I am, came up with the idea of starting a new blog where people can just chill and talk about junk without all of the hassle of coming up with interesting and elaborate posts. So, the name of the site is the Blogger Cooler. You can blame the following people for encouraging me with this idea as they are also contributors to the blog: Jerk of all Trades, Desiree, KOM, and our very own "Lisa" (not to be confused with Lisa). If you read my blog, you have to read the Blogger Cooler because...ummm...I'd appreciate it? Cool. So, Check it Out.

Have you ever wondered what's going on in Cairo, Egypt? If you're an American, probably not. But, if you're an American with curiosity...probably, not. But, you should still check out From Cairo, with Love just so you can get some edumacashun about stuff outside of North America. So, Check it Out.

Okay, finally, there's this boy I know. He lives in a magical land called Denvoid. He writes alot about Jessica Alba, and fingers in chilli, and imaginary internet girlfriends (don't ask). It's seriously one of the funniest blogs I've come across. And, I think you'll enjoy it too. So, go Check Out Jerk of all Trades.

Yea, so there you have it- Blogger Cooler, From Cairo, with Love, and Jerk of all Trades. I know I have to seriously update my links, so I'll have more Check it Out editions sooner rather than later.

Okay, you can get to reading now. :D

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Reese Lesson #4: Crushes Can Come From Anywhere

Sigh.


I have a new crush.


It’s the comic book guy at my local comic book store.


Okay, I know “comic book guy” and “crush” do not go together, but this guy is really hot!!


Okay, so he’s like Indian or, possibly Middle-Eastern (what’s with me and that whole region of the earth recently?). He’s about 5’ 10” and he’s got this weird Dweezil Zappa/Luke Perry/James Dean/Rebel without a Cause thing going on. It’s so HOT…


Cute Comic Book Guy (CCBG): “So, what are you looking for?”


Reese’s Mind: “Uhh, you?”

What Reese Really Said: “That new Dark Phoenix limited series…”


CCBG: “Phoenix: Endsong?”


Reese’s Mind: “Yes…”

What Reese Really Said: “Yes…”


CCBG: “I think we have it over here…”


Flash forward 5 minutes…


CCBG: “Okay, here’s all 5 issues. You know, you’re really lucky. This is the last one we have of issue #1.”



Reese’s Mind: “Yes, I am so lucky. I’m especially lucky that you were here to help me find it.”

What Reese Really Said: “Uh-huh…”


Random Comic Book Store Employee: “Hey, dude, I can ring her up.”

CCBG: “No, it’s okay, dude. I got this one.”


Reese’s Mind: “Okay, don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m sure he just wanted to complete the sale…”


And just as CCBG and I kind of just hang around the counter chatting about mindless junk, yet, establishing a real connection, along comes my sister. Her purpose: to ruin my moment…


CC [yelling on my cell phone to Lisa]: “NO, I HAVEN’T READ THAT ONE LISA! NO, THEY DON’T HAVE THAT ISSUE! HOW COME YOU ALL DON’T HAVE THE ELFQUEST THAT I WANT?!?”

CCBG: “Uhh…”

Reese [extremely bitter for CC ruining her moment]: “Stop. Yelling. On. My. Phone.”

CCBG: [snickers to himself]

CC [talking to Lisa]: “YEA, SO YOU’LL SEND IT TO ME? YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT. COOL, THANX!”
“Here’s your phone back, Reese.”

Reese: “Aww, gee. Thanx...for nuthin’!”

CCBG [still laughing]: “Hey, next Saturday is free comic book day. Make sure you stop by, alright?”


Reese’s Mind: “Yes, and then, maybe we can do something together afterwards?”

What Reese Really Said: “Ooo-kay.”

CCBG: “C-ya.”

Reese: “Uhh…bye.”



Yes, I know. That was truly pathetic.

On the plus side, I know that he thinks I’m funny. Or, actually, he thinks my sister is funny. Or maybe it’s me and my sister together that’s funny…

Oh, well, I don’t care. He’s still really HOT! And there’s nothing like having someone available to crush on. ;)

Happy Free Comic Book Day, Everyone!



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Star Wars Episode 3.2: The Wrath of CC

While at the midnight premiere of Star Wars, our favorite little Sith, CC, is attempting to get back to her seat before "The 20" sneak previews start. Only, it doesn't seem like she'll be able to do this without engaging in a little battle sequence of her own...


CC: "Okay, I've got my jalapenos for my nachos. All is now right with the refreshment world."


As CC walks back to the theater, a stupid girl does a stupid thing. CC is walking on the right side of the hallway. Some random girl, either because she thought she could pick on a small woman of 5'2" or because she's stupid, decided that she would test CC's patience. The random girl, who is walking in the opposite direction of CC on the left side of the hallway, crosses all the way over to CC's side of the hallway and keeps walking straight towards CC. Almost like a game of chicken. What was this stupid girl thinking? We don't know. But, she will find out never to mess with CC...


Inside CC's Head: "What is she doing? I know she doesn't think I'm going to move out of my way for her."

Inside Random Girl's Head: "Hehehehe, I know that short little thing is gonna move out of my way."

Inside CC's Head: "I don't think this idiot knows that I will kill her."

Inside Random Girl's Head: "Hehehe...uhhh...gee...she looks like she's going to kill me."

Inside CC's Head: "I'm going to kill you..."

Inside Random Girl's Head: "Oh, I don't think I thought this through..."

Inside CC's Head: "Where should I hit her first? I think the kidneys would do nicely..."

Inside Random Girl's Head: "I gotta get out of the way!!"

Inside CC's Head: "Too late to run now, witch!"


The two women proceed to collide right into each other. Well, actually, CC takes the full force of her body and knocks herself right into the left side of the random girl. This move knocks the wind out of the random girl. And, as CC, who is very satisfied with what she just did, continues to walk back to the theater, all the random girl can say is...


Random Girl [gasping for air]: "Ugh, OWWW!!!"


Which is met with this reaction by CC...


CC: "WHAT, FOOL?!?!"

Random Girl: "Pssf...uhhh...nothing..."

CC [smiling wickedly]: "That's what I thought. Idiot."




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Cuatro

***DISCLAIMER: Bad words and men hitting women. That's just not right. I can't believe you people would support such an endeavor!***


3:15am: Fantasy

Right around this time, the night starts becoming a blur. Surprising, because the only thing I had to drink was that vodka and chocolate milk. It must have been all of the “bitches” and “ho’s” I had to deal with earlier in the night.


Inside Reese’s Head: “My feet hurt. Ow! My feet hurt. Ow! I need to find a seat. Ow! Over there- there’s one. Ow! No wait, can’t sit there. Guy sitting there is throwing up on the nice carpet. Ow!”


5 agonizing and eternal minutes later…


Inside Reese’s Head: “Oh…oh, joy of joys! There’s a seat. Just for me. Ow! Must…make it…to…chair…ow…”

Random Dude [blocking Reese’s path to heaven- aka, the nice comfy chair]: “WHAT’S UP LADIES!?! You want something to drink?”

Jo: “You want some water or something Reese?”

Reese: “Who is…oh, whatever! Yea, sure.”


So, dude gets us some water. I’ve never seen this water before…


[Label on Bottled Water]

From the ice palaces of the Norwegian springs of life, comes...


SAVON


The life giving water of the Vikings.


I’m pretty sure that the water was really expensive. As it was the water of the Vikings and it came in a really nice bottle. For some reason, drinking the expensive Viking water in the VIP area made me feel important. I never knew water could boost your self-worth like that.


Inside Reese’s Head: “Wow. I’m a baller now!”


3:30am: Fantasy

DJ: “Hey, ya’ll, a brothaz got to sleep! You ready to roll or what?”

Jo: “Yea, let’s go.”

DJ: “You done with that water shorty? Here, I’ll throw it away for you.”

Reese: “Ummm…”


See, the thing is, I didn’t want to throw away my Viking water bottle. It was really cool and pretty and I wanted to show it off to all my friends…


Reese: “Hey, guys- check it out! Viking water bottle.”

Lez: “Wow. That’s really impressive.”

Lisa: “I wish I had a Viking water bottle.”

Eliza: “I look like a supermodel and no one’s ever given me a Viking water bottle.”

Toya De: “I hate you Reese. How did you get a Viking water bottle?”

SQ: “I make a million dollars a year, but I don’t have a Viking water bottle? Where did you buy that?”

Kathleen: “Although I’m a vegan, and the Vikings were meat eaters, I’m very much impressed by your Viking water bottle.”

CC: “The Vikings kicked ASS!! I NEED to have that Viking water bottle! Give it to me or I’ll kill you!!”

Reese: “He-he-he. Sorry, it’s all mine!”


Yea, that would have been cool. But then, I saw all of the vidi-ho’s throwing away their Viking water bottles and I thought, “Gee, I don’t want to have less class than a vidi-ho.” So, I let DJ throw away my nice Viking water bottle.


I wish I had kept that.


3:30am: Outside Fantasy- On our Way to Chris' Car

Female Cop: “LOOK, NEGROES! GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF THE [insert bad word] MIDDLE OF THE STREET! NOW!!!”

Reese: “Geez, rude much?”

DJ: “That’s why I hate female, bitch cops! Always actin’ like bitches!”


3:35am: Outside Fantasy- On our Way to our Car

Inside Reese’s Head: “Well, tonight was interesting. I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t see anyone famous…”

Steph Lover [walking past Reese, Jo, and Chris, and talking to one of her friends in her trademark graspy/man voice]: “Oh, man! Fantasy was LIVE tonight! LIVE!”

Reese: “Oh my god! Was that Steph Lover? Famed East Coast DJ and sometime MTV2 VJ?”

Jo: “Yea, that’s her.”

Reese: “Cool! So, I did get to see someone famous tonight! Awesome!”


3:40am: At Chris’ Car

DJ [picking up his cell phone]: Yo, what’s up Daniel? I’m just about to drive Jo, Reese, and Chris’ drunk ass back home?”

Chris [slurring his words]: “Youuuu…you ain’t driv….dribbin’…this my car!”

Daniel: [mumble]

Chris: “AAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Jo: “What is it?”

DJ: “Right after we left, some dude just stole that bitch cop in the face!!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?”

Daniel: [mumble]

DJ: “Daniel said she was tellin’ [insert racial epithet] to get the [insert bad word] out of the street. And some dude walked right up to her and knocked her ass out!”

Jo: “I knew that was going to happen to her.”

Reese: “Well, she was talkin’ a lot of smack. Hehehe, but, dude- that’s just not right.”

DJ: “AAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Reese: “Hehehe…”

Jo [staring at Reese]

Reese: “What? It is kinda funny...”


3:45am: At Chris’ Car

DJ: Alright my [insert racial epithet]. We be out!”

Chris [slurring his words]: “Yea…WE OUT…gimmie the seas…man…”

DJ: “What?”

Chris: “Gimmie…the zeas…man…”

DJ: “You mean the keys?”

Chris: “Yea…that’s….it…that’s why you my [insert racial epithet]…you know…”

DJ: “Man! Yo, drunk ass ain’t driving!”

Chris: “Nah, dawg…nah…I ain’t drunk…driving…I ain’t drunk…ya heard…driving…”

DJ: “Dude, you drunk. You ain’t driving!”

Chris: [insert racial epithet] GIVE ME THE KEYS! I AIN’T DRUNK!!”

DJ: “Alright, man. Here.”


Now, you know…See, you can only imagine that Jo and I were not about to have this…


DJ: “WHAT, JO? WHAT?”

Jo: “We are not getting in that car!!”

DJ: “What am I supposed to do?”

Reese: “TAKE HIS KEYS!!”

Chris: “I…ain’t drunk…driving…I ain’t drunk…yo…feelin’…drunk…driving…”

Reese: “Look, man. We just want to get home alive. Give DJ your keys.”

Chris: “Nah…nah…this my car…I ain’t durkin…drivin’…”

Jo [staring at DJ with righteous indignation]

DJ: “Look, man! Give me your keys! You wasted!!”

Chris: “AWWW…MAN…HOW….HOW’S YOU GONNA LITEN…LISBEN…LISTEN TO THEM FEMALES?”

DJ: “Give me the keys man!”

Chris: “YOU WANT THE KEYS?!?!”

DJ: “Yes!”

Chris [dropping the keys on the ground]: “HERE’S THE KEYS…YOUZ A [insert racial epithet]!!!”

DJ: “Man, get in the car!!”


As we all pile into the car, Chris offers up one last word of insight into this situation…


Chris: “Man, I’m sooo drunk…A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”


4:00am: Reese’s Car [Parked at the Very Prestigious Historically Black College- Remember? That’s where this all started.]


DJ: “Yo, shorty! Here’s yo ride!”

Reese: “Thanx, for dropping me off. I actually had a good time.”

Jo: “Yea, right.”

Reese: “I did. It was…interesting.”

DJ: “You know the way home shorty?”

Reese: “Yea.”

DJ: “Alright. Make sure you call Jo to let us know you got home safe.”

Reese: “Uhhh, okay.”

DJ: “PEACE!”

Reese: “See ya…”


4:10am: Driving Home

Reese: “Oh, I’m soooo sleepy. Got to stay awake…got to get home faster…HEY! What was that flashing light??”



3 Weeks Later…


Reese: “What is this? Department of Traffic Enforcement!?! Oh, hell…”


“Dear Lawbreaker:

On April 9, 2005 you were caught by our amazing speed camera technology going 53 miles per hour on a 40 mile per hour highway which had no cars on it at 4:10am in the morning.”


Reese: “Oh, man! That’s that night I went out with that poser, knows all the right people, club promoter DJ!”


[Letter Continues]

“Do you know that speeding kills? In order to protect all of the innocent citizens whose safety you don’t seem to care about, we are fining you $50.00. You could come to court to defend yourself, but you have no defense. Here’s a picture of you…


[Insert Picture of Reese the Law Girl]


And, here’s a picture of your license plate…


[Insert Picture of Reese’s Car].


You should be ashamed. Ashamed! You could have killed any number of 0 people on the highway that night. Just pay the fine and pray for forgiveness from your god.

With love,

The Department of Traffic Enforcement



Reese: “[insert multiple bad words]!!”



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, May 16, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Tres

***DISCLAIMER: Edited bad words, racial epithets, and naked girls. You've been warned.***


12:30am: Arriving at Fantasy

Daniel: “Okay, now we just have to find parking.”

DJ: “Man, Fantasy parking is WHACK! You know last weekend someone busted my car windows and tried to steal my radio!”

Daniel: “Yea, and last month, someone tried to hotwire Chris’s car!”

DJ: “That’s whack, yo! Parking on the side streets near Fantasy is dangerous to a [insert racial epithet]’s car, man!”

Reese: “So, why don’t you just park in Fantasy’s parking lot? It’s secure and guarded by off-duty police officers.”

Daniel: “HAHAHAHA!”

DJ: “HAHAHAHA! WE AIN’T PARKING IN NO “PARKING LOT!” WE GONNA FIND A SPACE!”

Daniel: “YEA! WE AIN’T NO PUNKS THAT NEED TO PARK IN NO LOT!! LOOK! HERE’S A SPACE RIGHT HERE!”


Lord, help Jo and I. Daniel picked a space right next to a crack head’s crack-hangout…


Crack Head #1: “Oooo, yea, ya’ll can park that nice car right there…”

Crack Head #2: “They’s gonna park here?”

Crack Head #3: “Oooo, I wonder what they’s gots in that car?”

Crack Head #4: “We watch your car fo’ you. No problem…”

DJ: “OH, [insert bad word]! WE’VE BEEN INVADED BY CRACK HEADS!”

Reese: “Look, I will pay you guys NOT to park here! I have…12 bucks…”

DJ: “Girl, you $12 ain’t gonna do no good!”

Daniel: “I AIN’T NO PUNK!”

DJ: “I FEEL YOU DOG!!”

Daniel: “…but…dog…I don’t want to park here either…”

DJ: “MAN, YOU A PUNK!!”

Crack Head #2: “We been waiting to have some fun with some people like ya’ll…”

DJ: “Alright, man. There’s an even tougher…and…uh…safer…spot on the other street. WE REAL MEN! WE’LL PARK THERE!”

Daniel: “RIGHT!”

Jo: “Idiots.”


12:45am: Fantasy

First, let me just tell you a little bit about Fantasy. Although in a bad neighborhood, Fantasy is probably the best club on the face of this earth. It used to be an old warehouse, but was completely remodeled. Now, it’s 5 floors of pure hip-hop decadence. It’s very, very plush. Several music videos have been shot at the club. Several vidi-ho auditions have been held at the club. It’s the kind of place where people (and I mean famous people) fly in just to have a good time. On any given Friday night (which is Fantasy’s big night) celebrities from Beyonce, The Neptunes, Usher, P. Diddy, 50 Cent, etc. will be there just living it up. Usually, you have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to get in. But, on this very special night, Jo and I got in for free…


Random Club Goer: “Aww, come on man. Let me in?”

Bouncer: “Look, Dude- you want in? Go stand in that long ass line like everyone else. If you want to come through these front doors, you gotta be VIP.”

Faz (co-owner of Fantasy): “Move it along, buddy…YO! DJ!”

DJ: “WAZZUP, MY [insert racial epithet]?!?”

Faz: “How many tonight, DJ?”

DJ: “All these fine lookin’ people behind me!”

Faz: “Right. Cross the velvet rope my friend.”

Bouncer [who didn’t see DJ talking to Faz]: “YO, YO, YO! WHAT YOU THINK YOU DOIN’?!? GO GET IN LINE…”

Faz [to the Bouncer]: “HOLD UP! THIS IS DJ! REMEMBER HIM! WHATEVER DJ WANTS, DJ GETS. GOT IT?!?”

Bouncer: “Oh, snap! Okay, sorry ‘bout that, man.”

DJ: “Ain’t nothin’.”

Reese: “Wow.”

Faz: “And here’s some VIP bracelets for ya’ll, DJ.”

DJ: “Cool, cool.”

Reese [inside her head]: “Ooooo, I wonder who’s here tonight? I wonder if I’ll bump into someone hot like Shemar Moore and he’ll instantly fall in love with me and take me to Vegas? That would be so cool.”

DJ: “C’mon shorties! Let’s roll!”


1:15am: Fantasy

So, we go up to the 3rd floor. It was pretty interesting up there. I saw a cute little Indian boy with curly hair. But, he was checking out some naked girls…


Inside Reese’s Head: “Oh, shoot! I’m not dressed for Fantasy! I’m not nearly naked enough! Dang it!”


1:45am Fantasy

So, while DJ was trying to “spit some game” to Jo, Chris, James, Daniel, Daniel’s girl, and that bitch Karamo all left me. So, I was chillin’ with the one white girl at the club…


White Girl: “Man, this place is off the hook tonight!”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “Girl, you are not dressed for Fantasy.”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “Not nearly naked enough…”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “But, you do have a VIP bracelet. Why you hangin’ out herre [that’s right, she said “herre”]?”

Reese: “Good point.”

DJ [trying to spit some game at Jo]: “So, that’s what I’m saying girl. You and me- we could be cool like that…”

Reese: “HEY!”

DJ: “What now, shorty?!?”

Reese: “I’m bored. Let’s go to VIP.”

DJ: “Alright, I’m down for that. Let’s roll…”


2:00am: Fantasy

DJ: “Welcome to VIP ladies.”


Okay, so I actually made it to Fantasy’s infamous VIP room. And, well, have you ever seen a rap video? Well, of course you have, duh. So, picture a rap video. Any video will do fine. They’re all the same.

You would not believe the debauchery that was going on in this VIP room. First of all, all the girls were naked. Now, I don’t mean naked like the girls in the rest of the club- oh, no. I mean naked, naked. Like wearing just enough string so that one couldn’t get arrested by the police for indecent exposure. I mean, I always knew that there were vidi-ho’s, but I was still shocked to see one, let alone a room full of vidi-ho’s! It was like being in a safari. Only, instead of documenting lions or chimps or something, I was observing the vidi-ho in her natrual habitat. It was fascinating!

Jane Goodall: “The vidi-ho is a complex creature. First, you’ll notice the typical mating ritual of the vidi-ho. She finds the most unattractive male of her species. She usually picks him based on how much bling-bling he’s frontin…”

Reese: “Fascinating!”

Jane Goodall: “Yes. Next, she will attempt to garner his attention by sticking her posterior either straight up into the air or by grinding it on his private area.”

Reese: “Remarkable!”

Jane Goodall: “It really is. This grinding motion is most likely analogous to a vertical lap dance…”

Reese: “Dr. Goodall, look, over there! What’s that?”

Jane Goodall: “That’s the vidi-ho’s watering hole. Often called the bar. As you can see, it is used for nourishment and for regular, lap dances.”

Reese: “Amazing! Dr. Goodall, why is that vidi-ho not naked?”

Jane Goodall: “It appears that this vidi-ho has attempted to differentiate herself from the other vidi-ho’s by wearing a dominatrix outfit instead. A hot pink, dominatrix outfit.”

Reese: “Wow.”

Jane Goodall: “Wow, indeed.”


3:00am: Fantasy


So, about this time, I’m a little sick of dancing in the sorta-big group of people I came with. I was getting tired, but needed some way to stay awake…


Inside Reese’s Head [singing]: “99 bottles of Moet on the wall. 99 bottles of Moet. If one of those bottles should happen to be purchased, and the big group of posers finishes it in 10 minutes, and then drops the bottle on the floor, so I can trip over it and break my ankle, 98 bottles of Moet on the wall…”



Coming Up Next (I know you guys are going to hate me. I’m not milking this, honest. My job is interfering with my ability to actually finish this damn story!)…

Norwegian Water, Steph Lover, Female Cops, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, May 13, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Dos

***DISCLAIMER: The following post contains edited bad words and racial epithets. I suppose I don't really need a disclaimer for content that is edited, but, you know, whatever...***


10:35pm: Sebastian’s

So, after Jo and I stupidly parked our car far away from Sebastian’s so that we could squish into Chris’ car and park closer, we arrived at Sebastian’s and what was perhaps the most maddening scene I have ever witnessed at a club.

There must have been 100+ people hovering outside of the club trying to get in. People were shoving, and pushing. And trying to bribe the bouncer. I mean, it was some real Studio 54 type mess going on. I swear, I thought Steve Rubell was going to point to me and Jo and tell us to lift up our tops to get in. Luckily though, we had DJ…


Bouncer [to random club goer]: “No, your ass is not getting in. Look, I said… OH...HEY, DJ!!”

DJ: “YO! WAZ UP, MY [insert racial epithet]!”

Bouncer: “Yo, how many people you trying to get in?”

DJ: “Just 5, yo!”

Bouncer: “Yo! Hit me with some dead presidents, and you in, yo!”

DJ: “SWEET, YO! THANX, MY [insert racial epithet]!”

Reese [speaking to Jo]: “Other than the occasional racial epithet, I’m slightly impressed that DJ actually has connections. Very cool.”

Jo: “Whatever, he’s still too skinny…”

DJ: “C’MON LADIES! LET’S GO!”

Reese: “Yea, yea- we’re coming Kobe.”

DJ: “I DO NOT LOOK LIKE NO MOTHER [insert foul word for sex and an “ing” on the end], RAPING, KOBE BRYANT!”

Reese: “Hey, Kobe, are there any famous people here tonight?”

DJ: “Seriously, shorty. You about to get dropped off early.”


10:55pm: Sebastian’s

Okay, like I said there were literally a million people in this club. It was like everyone’s birthday or something. You could barely hear the music over all of the people talking…


DJ: “YO! HERE! DRINK THIS!”

Reese: “NO, WE HAVE TO DRIVE HOME.”

Jo: “OH, LET'S JUST DRINK SOME OF IT...”

Reese: “UHHH…OKAY, I’LL TAKE SOME…”


I should have known this was a bad idea. The drink looked like mud…


Reese [swallowing and repelling the drink at the same time]: “UGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

DJ: “CHOCOLATE MILK AND VODKA…”

Reese: “WHAT!?!? WHO ON EARTH…”

DJ: “STACY MADE IT. AHHH!! THAT’S SOME GOOD [insert bad word]!”

Reese: “WHO IS STACY?”


Stacy was the bartender. After we tried the drinks she came over to see if we liked her newest invention…


Stacy [with a hopeful smile on her face]: “SO? WAS IT HORRIBLE?!?”

Reese [who wants to tell Stacy to never invent anything ever again]: “OH, IT WAS GREAT! UHHH…I CAN’T HAVE A LOT BECAUSE…I HAVE TO DRIVE.”

Stacy: “OH. I WAS AFRAID YA’LL DIDN’T LIKE IT…”

Jo: “NO…IT WAS…GOOD…DIFFERENT!!”

Stacy: “GREAT! I’M GONNA MAKE IT ALL THE TIME NOW!!”


Well, thanks to me and Jo’s lack of honesty, Chocolate Milk and Vodka is now on the drink list at Sebastian’s. I apologize in advance to all of the patrons at Sebastian’s.


11:25pm: Sebastian’s

DJ: “YO, THIS PLACE IS WHACK TONIGHT!! LET’S GO TO FANATASY!”

Jo: “Cool…”

Reese: “DUDE! CAN YOU GET US INTO FANTASY?!? LIKE FOR FREE?!?”

DJ: “PSHH! AIN’T NOTHING BUT A CHICKEN WING, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?!?”

Reese: “NOT REALLY! SOUNDS GOOD TO ME THOUGH!”


11:45pm: Outside of Sebastian’s

So, now we’re trying to leave the club, only we can’t find Chris and we rode with him…


DJ [on his cell]: “Look [insert racial epithet]- where is Chris?!?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Look [insert racial epithet]- where are you?!?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “On your way back from The Kiddie Ball?!? What the [insert bad word] is The Kiddie Ball?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Oh, yea. Okay, that makes sense. So, you’re only a block up?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Oh, there you are!?”

James: “WHAT’S UP NEGROES!?!?”

DJ: “Man, Chris is up in Sebastian’s completely wasted. The [insert racial epithet] is holding us up! We supposed to be at Fantasy, but we can’t go nowhere until we get Chris’ keys!”

James: “Yo, man! I’ll get Chris. Ya’ll go on with Daniel.”

Reese [to Jo]: “Who is Daniel?”

Jo: “Girl, I don’t know…”

DJ: “Yea, but Daniel, and his girl, and her friends, are supposed to go too.”

James: “OH, NO! TELL ME DANIEL’S GIRL DID NOT BRING KARAMO?!?!”

DJ: “YEA, SHE BROUGHT THAT BITCH!”

James: “OHHH, NO!! NOT THAT BITCH!”

DJ: “YEA…”

James: “NO, NOT THAT BITCH!!”

DJ: “YEA, THEY BROUGHT THAT BITCH!”

James: “GOD DAMMNIT!! ALRIGHT, I’LL TAKE CARE OF CHRIS, THE GIRLS, AND THAT BITCH KARAMO! YA’LL GO ON WITH DANIEL.”

DJ: “Thanx, my [insert racial epithet]!”

Reese: “What!?!”

Jo: “Just go with it Reese.”


12:15am: Inside Daniel’s Car

DJ [hanging up his cell phone]: “AWWW, MAN! I HATE THAT BITCH!!”

Daniel: “What?”

DJ: “THAT BITCH KARAMO IS COMING TO FANTASY WEARING FLIP-FLOPS!!”

Daniel: “FLIP-FLOPS!?!”

DJ: “YEA [insert racial epithet], FLIP-FLOPS!!

Daniel: “STEVE- THAT STUPID BITCH!! IT DON’T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU KNOW THE OWNERS OF FANTASY, DJ! THEY WON’T LET THAT BITCH STEVE IN WITH FLIP-FLOPS!!

Reese [in the backseat of the car with Jo]: “Wait, who are you guys talking about? I thought that “bitch’s” name was Karamo?”

DJ: “HAHAHAHAHA!”

Reese: “What?”

Daniel: “We just call Steve “Karamo” because he’s gay.”

Reese: “Huh?”

DJ: “Man, Reese! You know that black gay dude on the Real World? His name is Karamo. So, Steve is gay and black, so we call him Karamo too. Pretty funny, huh?”

Reese: “Interesting…”

DJ: “Yea, that [insert bad word] is funny!”

Jo: “Yea...right…”

DJ: “You’d think that bitch would know how to dress better. I mean he does [insert some offensive way of describing gay people]!”

Daniel: “That dude is such a stupid bitch!”

DJ: “I HATE THAT BITCH!”


12:25am: Still Inside Daniel’s Car

Daniel: “HEY, YO, DJ! ISN’T THAT THAT SKEEZAH THAT WAS A BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH LAST WEEKEND!?!”

DJ: “YEA, THAT’S HER! THAT’S THAT BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH!”

Daniel: “I KNOW! ACTING LIKE SHE’S ALL THAT!”

DJ: “LIKE I EVEN WANTED HER ANYWAYS!”

Daniel: “STUPID SKEEZAH!”

DJ: “STUPID, BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH!”

Reese: “Wow.”

Jo [to Reese]: “See what I mean? Completely immature…”

DJ: “STUPID BITCH….So, Reese, what is it that you do for a living?”

Reese: “What?!?!”

DJ: “What is your occupation?”

Reese: “Uhhh…I’m an attorney…”

DJ: “Really? You know, I find the law quite fascinating? What area of law do you practice in?”

Reese: “Whazza...”

DJ: “What is your practice area?”

Reese: “Uhhh…did you just ask me a question that used standard English and did not contain the word “bitch” in it?”

DJ: “Hahahaha! Oh, Reese. You’re wit is beyond extraordinary.”

Reese: [stunned silence]

DJ: “Your practice area?”

Reese: “….health…law…”

DJ: “Fascinating. So, do you think the U.S. is finally on its way to universal health care?”

Reese: “Uhhh…no…”

DJ: “What about health insurance for all children?”

Reese: “Uhhh…most states already have that…”

DJ: “But, what if their parents don’t know of such programs? What then?”

Reese: “Uhhh…the children are screwed??”

DJ: “Wow, Reese. That’s very cruel.”


At this point, I really couldn’t believe that this fool was actually asking me semi-intelligent questions. I even started thinking that, maybe, I had him figured all wrong…


DJ: YO, [insert racial epithet]! TURN RIGHT HERE! DANG, YOU A STUPID [insert racial epithet]!”


But, then I realized that I was right all along.


Wow, I didn’t realize that this piece was going to be so long. Looks like I need a Part Tres.


Coming Up Next (I PROMISE!!)…


Fantasy, Debauchery, Steph Lover, Female Cops, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, May 09, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Uno

Last month I went out with a fellow sucia of mine. We stayed out until 4:00 am in the morning. It was probably one of the most interesting nights I’ve had in a long time. Here’s the breakdown…


***[DISCLAIMER: The following post contains offensive language! It also makes light of a very serious topic and prestigious man. This post is written in the spirit of humor. Please do not think that I take these topics lightly or hang out with people who communicate via bad language on a regular basis!!]***



7:30 pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Jo: “Oh, my god! I love Harry Belafonte. It’s so cool that we get to see him speak!!”

Reese: “I know! I wonder if he’ll talk about Carmen Jones and Dorothy Dandridge?”

Jo: “I think he’s supposed to talk about his fight against social injustice.”

Reese: “That’s nice, but all I care about is Carmen Jones and Dorothy Dandridge. I hope I get to ask him a question about it.”

Jo: “We’ll see. Oh, he’s starting…”

Harry Belafonte: “I was born to a Jamaican mother and my father was a seaman…”

Reese [inside her elementary school brain]: “’Seaman?’ Hehehehehe, he said ‘seaman’.”



7:45pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…and we thought we would come back from the war and be appreciated. That we had fought for freedom for all people! Even in the United States. But, we were still just second-class citizens!”

Audience: “Uh-huh! Typical!”

Other Audience Member: “I hate white people!”



8:00pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…and I said, I fought for this country! I’m taking advantage of the G.I. Bill. And, I went to acting school. In my class was Sydney Portier, Marlon Brando, Bea Arthur, and…”

Reese: “Oh! Please say Dorothy Dandridge! Please say Dorothy Dandridge!”

Harry Belafonte: “…Tony Curtis!”

Reese: “Dang!”

Audience: “Wow!”

Other Audience Member: “I hate white people!”



8:15pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…I never thought I could be an actor. A black actor? You have to understand that all I knew of Black actors before were just parts as maids, bartenders, or amusing tap dancers. It was an INJUSTICE! But, a reality…”

Jo: “He sure has a lot to say.”

Reese: “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll get to Dorothy Dandridge soon enough.”



8:30pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…AND THE BLACK MAN…”

Reese: “Oh, geez…”



8:45pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…WE ARE A STRONG PEOPLE! WE WILL NOT BE TAKEN DOWN!!”

Audience: “YEA!”

Jo: “It’s getting kind of late. Do you think we should go since we have other stuff to do?”

Reese: “Let’s just give it 15 more minutes. I’m sure Dorothy Dandridge is coming up…”

Other Audience Member: “YEA! I hate white people too!”



9:00pm: Very Prestigious Historically Black College

Harry Belafonte: “…MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.!! MALCOM X!!…”

Audience: “YES!!! YES!!!”

Harry Belafonte: “…MARCUS GARVEY!! ROSA PARKS!!...”

Other Audience Member: “YES! THEY ALL HATED WHITE PEOPLE TOO!!”

Reese: “Sigh. Okay, let’s go…”



9:20pm: Emerald

Jo: “So, we’ll meet my co-worker. He promotes Happy Hour here. And, he does some promotions for other clubs.”

Reese: “Cool.”

Girl at Door: “Oh, you guys are on DJ’s list. Go ahead in.”

Reese [to Jo]: “Very cool.”


So, Jo and I walk into Emerald. And there’s DJ, just waiting to greet us with open arms…


DJ: “WHAT’S UP BITCHES?!?!”

Reese: “Oh…My…God…”

Jo: “Reese, this is DJ.”

DJ: “What’s up Be-otch!?!”

Reese: “Dude! I’m going to ignore that you called me that, because…I can’t quite comprehend…”

DJ: “WAZZZ UP?!?!?”

Reese: “DUDE!! You look just like freaking Kobe Bryant!!!!”

DJ: “Yo, man! I DO NOT look like Kobe Bryant. I AM NOT A RAPIST!!”

Reese: “Yea, man, you look like Kobe Bryant.”

DJ: “Man, I don’t TAKE [insert foul word for a woman’s private area]. WOMEN GIVE IT TO ME!!”

Reese: “I’m sure…”

DJ [reaching to put his arm around Jo and Reese]: “So, what you bitches drinking?”

Reese [taking defensive, Tekken 5 stance]: “Yo, back up! Don’t be making no sudden moves like that, Kobe!”

DJ: “DAG, GIRL! I told you I ain’t Kobe Bryant. I ain’t gonna rape you!!”

Reese: “Yea, just remember. I’ve got my eye on you. I ain’t no stupid girl in Colorado.”

DJ: “Whatever…”



9:50pm: Emerald

Reese: “So, what’s up with you and DJ?”

Jo: “Oh, girl, he likes me. But, he’s way too young. Only 24. And, he acts young too. Plus…”

Reese: “He looks like Kobe Bryant?”

Jo: “No! He’s way to skinny for me. I like ‘em with some meat on their bones, you know?”

Reese: “Yea, he is skinny. Skinny just like Kobe Bryant…”

Jo: “Reese, he does not look like Kobe Bryant…”

Reese: “Uh-huh, look don’t go into any secluded rooms with him. He may go nuts and rape you! Don’t worry girl. I got your back!”

Jo: “Oh, god…”



10:00pm: Emerald


DJ: “Hey, yo, shorties!! Chris, James, and I are about to head out to Sebastion's. You coming with or what?”

Jo: “Yea, that sounds cool.”

DJ: “Alright, you two follow us then.”



10:05pm: Walking to our Cars

DJ: “Yo, yo, Jo. See that hotel right there?”

Jo: “Yea.”

DJ: “That’s where I stay when I get so wasted here that I can’t drive myself back home.”

Jo: “Wow. Impressive…”

DJ: “Yea, I know.”

Chris: “YO, MAN IS THAT WHERE YOU WENT LAST WEEKEND! REMEMBER WHEN THAT BITCH WAS SWEATIN’ YOU!!”

DJ: “YO MAN!! THAT HO WAS PRESSED!!”

Chris: “I KNOW MAN! I WAS LIKE, WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT HO? SHE’S A HO!!”

DJ: “DUDE! I WAS LIKE- DANG GIRL YOU A HO! BUT, I’LL STILL [insert foul word for sex] YOU!”

Chris: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

DJ: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”



Yea, so at this point, I’m thinking, “Reese, what the heck are you doing? These boys are stupid.” But, then I thought, “Well, at least I don’t have to pay to get into Sebastion's.”


Coming Up Next…


Sebastion's, Fantasy, Debauchery, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident

I've noticed that some people think they can just come on this blog and say anything. This blog is not a democracy. To spare a future lecture from me, I thought you should know that the following are facts that are to never be debated here at Something Different...

  1. Orlando Bloom is hot.
  2. Orlando Bloom was never in Troy.
  3. Orlando Bloom is not gay.
  4. Orlando Bloom will find me and wisk me away to Las Vegas.
  5. The Matrix is the all-time, super, greatest movie ever made.
  6. Keanu Reeves was hot in The Matrix.
  7. Star Trek: The Next Generation was a great show.
  8. There's nothing wrong with naming your future twin daughters Deanna and Belanna.
  9. My sister CC is a crazy nuthead.
  10. I am great.
  11. Also, I am really wonderful.
  12. Alanis Morrissette will always rock.
  13. Lenny Kravitz will too.
  14. J.LO, Ashanti, and Brittany Spears are our punishment from God for sinning after he went through all of the trouble to sacrifice his very own son for our sins.
  15. Tamyra Grey was robbed on the first season of American Idol.
  16. Jennifer Hudson was robbed on the third season of American Idol.
  17. Nadia Turner was robbed on the fourth season of American Idol.
  18. American Idol sucks.
  19. Spider-Man 2 is one of the all-time, worst, super-hero movies ever made.
  20. X-Men 2 is one of the all-time, best, super-hero movies ever made.
  21. Iman should have played Storm in X-Men and not Halle Berry.
  22. Halle Berry sucks because she's so damn pretty and rich.
  23. Lisa is crazy.
  24. Mike is crazy for following Lisa around.
  25. There's nothing wrong with wanting to only date rich men for the purposes of marrying them so you don't ever have to work again.
  26. The above statement is the most anti-feminist thing I've ever thought in my entire life.
  27. [A Desiree Addition]: Metrosexuals are gay.
  28. Working for the "public" sucks.
  29. Working for the man- not so bad.
  30. Uhhh...hmmm....Orlando is hot!
  31. But, Legolas is hotter.

There. 31 Self-Evident Truths. Do you have some more? I'm willing to add on IF they are really self-evident truths (i.e., I agree with you).



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

You know the old saying, “all the good men are married, gay, or dead?” Okay, well, I added the “dead” part, but I’m starting to think this is true. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that 99% of all single men are gay. At least they are in my city (and no, I don’t live in San Francisco, Atlanta, or NYC).

I went into the city last weekend and every dude was gay! Everywhere I went, I saw gay men. No straight ones, just gay ones. At the grocery store- all gay men. At my job- all gay men. On the metro- only gay men. On the street- gay men. At the club- gay men. I tell you the world has been invaded by gay men! I mean, I don’t care if someone is gay. I would just like a guy for myself, but guys aren’t into me because they’re all gay. And, no, there’s nothing wrong with me, the guys where I live just prefer the company of other men. These are the guys that I always meet:


1. The Undercover Brother

This is the most sinister dude. He always has me fooled in the beginning, but he can’t keep up his act forever. He usually always does something to cue up my gaydar. And, in the process, dashes my hopes of living happily ever after in Las Vegas.

Take Dr. CMED, for example. In the beginning, he was so undercover. At first, I was ambiguous to his flirting (as I am ambiguous to any guy flirting- except for dudes I’m totally NOT interested in- I always know when they’re flirting and I proceed to cringe with horror at the immediate realization). But, he kept flirting. And, his flirting totally had me fooled, until he slipped up and dropped his “poor little thing” bomb on me. And then, it was all over. That’s when I knew that Dr. CMED would find his happiness with a male version of me, instead of ME!! That’s so freakin’ messed up…for me!

Anyway, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Dr. CMED doesn’t even try to hide it anymore…


Dr. CMED: “So, how is everything?”

Reese: “Oh, it’s fine. The job is still providing money, so that’s good. And…”

Dr. CMED: “Hold on a sec- KERI-ANNA! Did you even MAKE my dermatologist appointment yet? I swear, that girl…”



So, now that Dr. CMED is no longer an undercover brother, he’s become the next guy that I meet a lot.


2. The Clearly Gay Dude

From the moment these guys say, “hello,” I know that there’s no future here. And, unlike the undercover brother, these guys don’t hide their sexual preference- which is, of course, a good thing.

These guys tend to make great shopping buddies and cohorts in making American Idol/Pope Conclave comparison jokes (no disrespect to anyone who’s Catholic, but really the whole announcement of the new Pope was just itching for American Idol jokes and analogies)…


Clearly Gay Dude (CGD): “Pope Benedict XVI is to the conclave as…”

Reese: “Kelly Clarkson is to American Idol!”

CGD & Reese: “Hahahahahaha!”

CGD: “Here’s another one. Claudio Hummes is to the conclave as…”

Reese: “Clay Aiken is to American Idol! You know, because Clay lost.”

CGD: “Bingo!”

CGD & Reese: “Hahahahahaha!”

Reese: “No disrespect to Catholics though.”

CGD: “Oh, totally. I mean, I’m Catholic.”

[silence]

CGD & Reese: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”



Seriously, though, we weren’t trying to disrespect Catholics. It was actually interesting to see the whole Pope picking process as I’ve never seen it before. My whole office was in the break room waiting to see who was chosen. It was a very interesting moment. Uhh…anyways…


3. The Metrosexual

I’m sorry to break this to you ladies, but metrosexuals are homosexuals. They’re just in their pre-gay phase. It’s about to happen, they just haven’t realized it yet. To fill the need to be gay (even though they’re not conscious of what that need is) they dress impeccably, use hair “products,” and have skin as smooth as a baby's bottom. I know it hurts to accept this, but the sooner you do, the better off you’ll be- trust me.

If your guy doesn’t wear dirty jeans, have a horribly furnished and dirty apartment, and can’t tell that green and red don’t match, then he’s gay. He’s just working it out right now. That or he’s a switch hitter. Either way, he really, really, really, likes dudes.

In the spirit of busting bubbles, I have declared the following men gay:


Usher…


P. Diddy…


Ryan Seacrest…


all gay.


Brad Pitt has been known not to wash or shave, so we know he’s not gay. And, Orlando is just a little too scrubby in real life to be gay. Also, he’s British so none of his mannerisms can be considered gay. They’re just British…


ORLANDO IS NOT GAY!!


If Orlando was gay, I would be dead because I would’ve killed myself before I lived in a world where Orlando Bloom was gay.


So, anyways, as you can see, it is a proven scientific fact, that the Undercover Brother, Clearly Gay Dude, and Metrosexual pretty much represent 99% of all single men left on the planet. Which means that all available men are only available to other men. If you’re a woman, and you want a date, you’ll have to get a sex change operation first. I hear Ru Paul’s plastic surgeon is running a sale on sex change op’s. If you need the number, I’ll e-mail it to you.


Isn’t it sad to know that where all the good men have gone, is gay?


Except for Orlando, because, as I PROVED before, he is not gay…


Seriously.



Okay, for real, you can stop whispering because Orlando is not gay…



ORLANDO’S NOT GAY!!!



I hate you people…



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

CC the Nuthead!

Man, I tried to post this pic on here using the stupid "Hello" application, but it didn't work. So, I have been forced to make you click on a link to my way old geocities account to do this little post.

Okay, by now everyone has seen Reese the Law Girl in South Park form. Well, if you go to the link below you'll see my sister, CC, in her South Park form. And, all I can say is- wow.

I mean, yea, the law girl carries a lightsaber. But, she's a superhero. She stands for truth, justice, and the American way. What does CC's caricature stand for? Homicidal maniacs? Why does it have an ax? Why is it happy that it has an ax? And why does it have an ax in an amusement park? I don't get it! How did I get a little sister with such violent tendencies?

If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself...

  • CC the Nuthead
  • Monday, May 02, 2005

    Tales From the Childhood: The Football Game

    Winter, 1994.

    Senior Year of High School.

    Inside Eliza’s BMW…

    Eliza: “Man, our football team sucks!”

    Reese: “Yea, but it’s still fun to go to football games.”

    Lez: “Yea, so are we going to Friendly’s or what?”

    Eliza: “Yea, but…wait…hold on a sec…”

    Lez: “What?”

    Eliza [staring at the old Chevy in the next lane]: “What’s this guy doing?”

    Reese: “Oh, man, I know him. We worked together this summer. His name is Chad. He’s a junior. I think he’s revving up his engine, Eliza.”

    Eliza: “What…does he…does he want to RACE?!?!”

    Reese: “OH MY GOD!!! He wants to race you!! DO IT, ELIZA!!”

    Lez: “You know, I don’t think…”

    Eliza: “Is he CRAZY!?!? This is a BMW!!”

    Reese: “DO IT, ELIZA!!”

    Lez: “Eliza, don’t listen to…”

    Reese: “DO IT, ELIZA!!!”

    Eliza: “HE MUST BE NUTS!! DOES HE KNOW WHAT THIS CAR CAN DO?!?!”

    Lez: “No, please don’t…”

    Reese: “DO IT, ELIZA!! DO IT!!”

    Lez: “ELIZA, no…”

    Eliza: “HE IS CRAZY!! When this light turns green, I’m going to burn rubber down his @$$!!”

    Reese: “Hahahaha!! Chad, you are so dead!”

    Lez: “Oh, god…”

    Light turns green.

    Tires go screeching…


    Lez: “Oh, nooooo….”

    Reese: “Hahahahahahahaha!!!”

    Eliza: “MAN YOU CAN’T BEAT NO *%$#@^* BMW!!!”

    Reese: “Geez, Eliza! You smoked him! I can’t even see him anymore!”

    Eliza: “THAT’S RIGHT! CAN’T NOBODY TOUCH ME IN MY BEAMER!!”

    Cue sirens…


    Police Cruiser: “Wewa-wewa-wewa-wewa…”

    Lez: “Oh, god…”

    Eliza: “What? What did I do?”

    Reese: “Uh-oh…”


    Eliza pulls over. As the girls wait for Mr. Policeman to come to the door, Eliza remembers something very important…

    Eliza: “Oh, [bleep]!!”

    Lez: “What?”

    Eliza: “My license!! Lanna altered it when we went to Tracks last night. The laminate with the fake birthday is still on it!!”

    Lez: “WELL, TAKE IT OFF!!!”

    Eliza: “I’M TRYING!! IT WON’T COME OFF! IT WON’T COME OFF!!!!”

    Reese: “Oh, my god!”

    Cop [tapping on window]: “Can you roll your window down please?”

    Eliza [who by the grace of God Almighty, is able to get the laminate off of her driver’s license]: “Hahaha…what seems to be the problem…ummm…officer?”

    Cop: “Do you realize that the light you just ran was flashing red? You were supposed to come to a complete stop.”

    Reese: “Oh…whew, is that all?”

    Eliza: “OH, HAHAHA…pay no attention to…ummm…I’m so sorry about that officer.”

    Cop: “Yea, well, I’m gonna have to give you a ticket. Driver’s license and registration, please."

    Eliza opens the glove compartment of her car, but…

    Eliza: “Huh? What…where’s the registration?”

    Eliza searches ever more intensely as millions of reggae tapes pour out from the glove compartment.

    Lez: “Where is it?!?! How can we find anything in all of these reggae tapes?!?!"

    Cop: "Reggae tapes?"

    Lez: "WHERE'S THE REGISTRATION!?!?!"

    Eliza: “I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE REGISTRATION IS!?!?”

    Cop: “You don’t have registration for this vehicle?”

    Reese: “OH, SHE HAS REGISTRATION! AND WE’RE GOING TO FIND IT!!!”

    Lez: “Oh, God! Oh, God…”

    Cop: “You don't have registration for this vehicle AND you listen to reggae?"

    Eliza: “NO!! I mean...No, I do have registration and, yes, I do listen to a lot of reggae...”

    Reese: “What?!? What are you talking about Eliza?!?"

    Cop [sniffing]: "Have you girls been smoking illegal substances?"

    Eliza, Lez, & Reese: "NO!!!"

    Eliza: “WHAT I MEAN IS, I DO HAVE REGISTRATION!! THIS IS MY DAD’S CAR, I SWEAR!!”

    Cop: “Uh-huh...”

    Reese: " 'Uh-huh'??"

    Cop: "Hmmmm??"

    Reese: “ ‘Hmmm?’ No, ‘Hmmm’!! The registration is HERE!!!”

    Lez: “WHERE IS IT?!?! WHERE IS IT?!?!”

    Eliza: “I DON’T KNOW!!!”

    Reese [getting hysterical]: “Oh, my god! I can’t believe it’s going to end this way for me!! I was supposed to graduate from high school, go to college, then medical school and become a pediatric surgeon! NOW IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!”

    Eliza: “I FOUND IT!!”

    Lez: “Oh, thank god!”

    Cop: “Alright. Wait here while I check everything out.”

    There is silence in the beamer for the next 10 minutes…


    Cop: “Alright, Miss. Here’s your driver’s license and registration. AND, your ticket. Remember, next time stop at the flashing red light.”

    Eliza: “Hahaha, yes…sir…I’ll remember.”

    The Cop drives off first, followed by Eliza...

    Lez: [silence]

    Eliza: [silence]

    Reese: “OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS!! THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!”

    Lez: “That was NOT awesome!”

    Reese: “Yes, it was! I thought we were goners and the cop was going to go all “Rodney King” on us colored girls in a BMW with no registration! But, he didn’t and THAT was awesome!!”

    Eliza: “Yea, that was pretty cool…”

    Lez: “IT WAS NOT COOL!!”

    Reese: “Yea, that was wicked!”

    Lez: “IT WAS NOT WICKED…”

    Eliza: “CAN’T NOBODY TOUCH ME IN MY BEAMER!!”

    Reese: “You’re so right, Eliza.”

    Eliza: “I know.”

    Lez: “I’m never going any place with you people again.”

    Reese: “Hehehe...awesome!”




    © Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


    Sunday, May 01, 2005

    Passing the Bar is Wicked Cool

    Oh, I'm so behind. Like, I've got things written from over a month ago, that I haven't posted. First some good news...



    Congratulations to one of my best friends, Toya-De, for passing the DC Bar!! She just found out this weekend and is, officially, the first of my pals to be a multi-state attorney.



    Congratulations, Toya-De!!



    Today, officially an officer of the court for 2 Jurisdictions.



    Hey, just 49 left to go! ;)