Friday, May 13, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Dos

***DISCLAIMER: The following post contains edited bad words and racial epithets. I suppose I don't really need a disclaimer for content that is edited, but, you know, whatever...***


10:35pm: Sebastian’s

So, after Jo and I stupidly parked our car far away from Sebastian’s so that we could squish into Chris’ car and park closer, we arrived at Sebastian’s and what was perhaps the most maddening scene I have ever witnessed at a club.

There must have been 100+ people hovering outside of the club trying to get in. People were shoving, and pushing. And trying to bribe the bouncer. I mean, it was some real Studio 54 type mess going on. I swear, I thought Steve Rubell was going to point to me and Jo and tell us to lift up our tops to get in. Luckily though, we had DJ…


Bouncer [to random club goer]: “No, your ass is not getting in. Look, I said… OH...HEY, DJ!!”

DJ: “YO! WAZ UP, MY [insert racial epithet]!”

Bouncer: “Yo, how many people you trying to get in?”

DJ: “Just 5, yo!”

Bouncer: “Yo! Hit me with some dead presidents, and you in, yo!”

DJ: “SWEET, YO! THANX, MY [insert racial epithet]!”

Reese [speaking to Jo]: “Other than the occasional racial epithet, I’m slightly impressed that DJ actually has connections. Very cool.”

Jo: “Whatever, he’s still too skinny…”

DJ: “C’MON LADIES! LET’S GO!”

Reese: “Yea, yea- we’re coming Kobe.”

DJ: “I DO NOT LOOK LIKE NO MOTHER [insert foul word for sex and an “ing” on the end], RAPING, KOBE BRYANT!”

Reese: “Hey, Kobe, are there any famous people here tonight?”

DJ: “Seriously, shorty. You about to get dropped off early.”


10:55pm: Sebastian’s

Okay, like I said there were literally a million people in this club. It was like everyone’s birthday or something. You could barely hear the music over all of the people talking…


DJ: “YO! HERE! DRINK THIS!”

Reese: “NO, WE HAVE TO DRIVE HOME.”

Jo: “OH, LET'S JUST DRINK SOME OF IT...”

Reese: “UHHH…OKAY, I’LL TAKE SOME…”


I should have known this was a bad idea. The drink looked like mud…


Reese [swallowing and repelling the drink at the same time]: “UGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

DJ: “CHOCOLATE MILK AND VODKA…”

Reese: “WHAT!?!? WHO ON EARTH…”

DJ: “STACY MADE IT. AHHH!! THAT’S SOME GOOD [insert bad word]!”

Reese: “WHO IS STACY?”


Stacy was the bartender. After we tried the drinks she came over to see if we liked her newest invention…


Stacy [with a hopeful smile on her face]: “SO? WAS IT HORRIBLE?!?”

Reese [who wants to tell Stacy to never invent anything ever again]: “OH, IT WAS GREAT! UHHH…I CAN’T HAVE A LOT BECAUSE…I HAVE TO DRIVE.”

Stacy: “OH. I WAS AFRAID YA’LL DIDN’T LIKE IT…”

Jo: “NO…IT WAS…GOOD…DIFFERENT!!”

Stacy: “GREAT! I’M GONNA MAKE IT ALL THE TIME NOW!!”


Well, thanks to me and Jo’s lack of honesty, Chocolate Milk and Vodka is now on the drink list at Sebastian’s. I apologize in advance to all of the patrons at Sebastian’s.


11:25pm: Sebastian’s

DJ: “YO, THIS PLACE IS WHACK TONIGHT!! LET’S GO TO FANATASY!”

Jo: “Cool…”

Reese: “DUDE! CAN YOU GET US INTO FANTASY?!? LIKE FOR FREE?!?”

DJ: “PSHH! AIN’T NOTHING BUT A CHICKEN WING, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?!?”

Reese: “NOT REALLY! SOUNDS GOOD TO ME THOUGH!”


11:45pm: Outside of Sebastian’s

So, now we’re trying to leave the club, only we can’t find Chris and we rode with him…


DJ [on his cell]: “Look [insert racial epithet]- where is Chris?!?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Look [insert racial epithet]- where are you?!?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “On your way back from The Kiddie Ball?!? What the [insert bad word] is The Kiddie Ball?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Oh, yea. Okay, that makes sense. So, you’re only a block up?”

Cell Phone: [mumble]

DJ: “Oh, there you are!?”

James: “WHAT’S UP NEGROES!?!?”

DJ: “Man, Chris is up in Sebastian’s completely wasted. The [insert racial epithet] is holding us up! We supposed to be at Fantasy, but we can’t go nowhere until we get Chris’ keys!”

James: “Yo, man! I’ll get Chris. Ya’ll go on with Daniel.”

Reese [to Jo]: “Who is Daniel?”

Jo: “Girl, I don’t know…”

DJ: “Yea, but Daniel, and his girl, and her friends, are supposed to go too.”

James: “OH, NO! TELL ME DANIEL’S GIRL DID NOT BRING KARAMO?!?!”

DJ: “YEA, SHE BROUGHT THAT BITCH!”

James: “OHHH, NO!! NOT THAT BITCH!”

DJ: “YEA…”

James: “NO, NOT THAT BITCH!!”

DJ: “YEA, THEY BROUGHT THAT BITCH!”

James: “GOD DAMMNIT!! ALRIGHT, I’LL TAKE CARE OF CHRIS, THE GIRLS, AND THAT BITCH KARAMO! YA’LL GO ON WITH DANIEL.”

DJ: “Thanx, my [insert racial epithet]!”

Reese: “What!?!”

Jo: “Just go with it Reese.”


12:15am: Inside Daniel’s Car

DJ [hanging up his cell phone]: “AWWW, MAN! I HATE THAT BITCH!!”

Daniel: “What?”

DJ: “THAT BITCH KARAMO IS COMING TO FANTASY WEARING FLIP-FLOPS!!”

Daniel: “FLIP-FLOPS!?!”

DJ: “YEA [insert racial epithet], FLIP-FLOPS!!

Daniel: “STEVE- THAT STUPID BITCH!! IT DON’T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU KNOW THE OWNERS OF FANTASY, DJ! THEY WON’T LET THAT BITCH STEVE IN WITH FLIP-FLOPS!!

Reese [in the backseat of the car with Jo]: “Wait, who are you guys talking about? I thought that “bitch’s” name was Karamo?”

DJ: “HAHAHAHAHA!”

Reese: “What?”

Daniel: “We just call Steve “Karamo” because he’s gay.”

Reese: “Huh?”

DJ: “Man, Reese! You know that black gay dude on the Real World? His name is Karamo. So, Steve is gay and black, so we call him Karamo too. Pretty funny, huh?”

Reese: “Interesting…”

DJ: “Yea, that [insert bad word] is funny!”

Jo: “Yea...right…”

DJ: “You’d think that bitch would know how to dress better. I mean he does [insert some offensive way of describing gay people]!”

Daniel: “That dude is such a stupid bitch!”

DJ: “I HATE THAT BITCH!”


12:25am: Still Inside Daniel’s Car

Daniel: “HEY, YO, DJ! ISN’T THAT THAT SKEEZAH THAT WAS A BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH LAST WEEKEND!?!”

DJ: “YEA, THAT’S HER! THAT’S THAT BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH!”

Daniel: “I KNOW! ACTING LIKE SHE’S ALL THAT!”

DJ: “LIKE I EVEN WANTED HER ANYWAYS!”

Daniel: “STUPID SKEEZAH!”

DJ: “STUPID, BITCH-ASS SKEEZAH!”

Reese: “Wow.”

Jo [to Reese]: “See what I mean? Completely immature…”

DJ: “STUPID BITCH….So, Reese, what is it that you do for a living?”

Reese: “What?!?!”

DJ: “What is your occupation?”

Reese: “Uhhh…I’m an attorney…”

DJ: “Really? You know, I find the law quite fascinating? What area of law do you practice in?”

Reese: “Whazza...”

DJ: “What is your practice area?”

Reese: “Uhhh…did you just ask me a question that used standard English and did not contain the word “bitch” in it?”

DJ: “Hahahaha! Oh, Reese. You’re wit is beyond extraordinary.”

Reese: [stunned silence]

DJ: “Your practice area?”

Reese: “….health…law…”

DJ: “Fascinating. So, do you think the U.S. is finally on its way to universal health care?”

Reese: “Uhhh…no…”

DJ: “What about health insurance for all children?”

Reese: “Uhhh…most states already have that…”

DJ: “But, what if their parents don’t know of such programs? What then?”

Reese: “Uhhh…the children are screwed??”

DJ: “Wow, Reese. That’s very cruel.”


At this point, I really couldn’t believe that this fool was actually asking me semi-intelligent questions. I even started thinking that, maybe, I had him figured all wrong…


DJ: YO, [insert racial epithet]! TURN RIGHT HERE! DANG, YOU A STUPID [insert racial epithet]!”


But, then I realized that I was right all along.


Wow, I didn’t realize that this piece was going to be so long. Looks like I need a Part Tres.


Coming Up Next (I PROMISE!!)…


Fantasy, Debauchery, Steph Lover, Female Cops, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

15 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

Worth the wait.

12:11 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

YO THAT KOBE/DJ BITCH IS A TRIP. That F-------- SH-- WAS FUNNY AS HELL. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON't WANT TO HANG WITH THOSE BITCHES AGAIN CAUSE THEY SEEM LIKE COOL [insert racial epithet]'S. ALL THAT LAW SHIT DONE GONE TO YO HEAD.

I really did giggle all the way threw this. And you had all ready told me about this night so that's saying alot. My coworkers think I am nutty. Good one Reese
PEACE OUT BEAAAAIITTTCH!!

12:37 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

THANX BITCHES!!!

12:43 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I keep saying "Squinky" where ever you wrote "Racial epithet" is that wrong?

Reese yo, are you tellin' me dat their are brothas out there who STILL say "Skeeza"? I haven't heard dat in a grip yo!

Do de still say "Hooptie"?
I'm down wit da Hooptie!
Well, I was, I have a pretty nice car now.

I can't believe that there are guys who talk like they are in a video, or a remake of "New Jack City" yo!

Doesn't sound like the crowd I though you ran with.

I actually do say "Yo" alot sometimes, I might have to stop after reading how silly it sounds yo.

Peace out yo!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL! That is so not the crowd that I run with. Those dudes were WHACK!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Damn, I just looked at the time you left that last comment.

What's a fiiiiiiiiiiine azzzzz woman like you doin home at that time on a Friday night?

Just kiddin yo!

10:00 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I actually just came back from a party, yo! Well, it was a going away party for some friends with kids, families, old people, etc. I should really get DJ to get me into some fly ass clubs, though. That bitch got's the hook up!! ;)

I think I forgot to add an extra "Yo" somewhere...

10:28 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

I can't believe I wasn't there!! Next time you hang with secretly intelligent wannabe playas you need to call me girl!! We need to hang out more so that I can re-live each event vicariously through you so I can remember it the way it should have happened.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i heart ya. =)
goooood stuff

3:17 AM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

hehehe sounds like an INTERESTING night. good times, good times.

10:47 PM  
Blogger Jomama said...

Man oh man. That Karamo thing threw me for a loop. And when he started asking you serious questions, I felt a headache coming on. I'm afraid to find out what happens in part tres.

5:45 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

OMG, Reese you are HILARIOUS! Seriously. I'm laughing so hard my coworkers across the hall keep popping their heads out to make sure I'm ok!

I truly hope that there's some exaggeration in these stories... *wink, wink*!

Can't wait for part 3!

PS: He doesn't look like Kobe, not in that picture anyway!

9:01 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Okay, but you know he does look like Kobe in real life. And, you know what's sad, is that there is very little exageration in this story. ;)

9:08 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I don't believe yo!

I mean, I don't believe YOU! Yo!

11:32 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Too funny Reese. :)

12:48 PM  

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