Thursday, March 30, 2006

So, This is How it Ends: The Sequel

[Reese calls CC…]

CC [picks up the phone]:  “Yeah?”

Reese:  “Dude?!?!  What’s up with your comment?!?!”

CC:  “What?”

Reese:  “You’re all, “Chill out, I just won’t comment,” and stuff.”

CC:  “Man, ‘cause you’re tripping!”

Reese:  “How am I tripping?!?!”

CC:  “I’m just saying, I won’t come on your blog if it’s such a big deal.”

Reese:  “It’s not!  I was just joking!  Hello!!!”

CC:  “Yeah, but you keep saying “the end is nigh” and whatever.”

Reese:  “Dude, it’s not a big deal.  But, now it’s a big deal because you’re making it a big deal!”

CC:  “No, you’re making it a big deal!”

Reese:  “No, you’re making it a big deal!!”

CC:  “Whatever!  It’s your deal!!”

Reese:  “See?!?!  This is why I didn’t want you to read it.  You’re not going to understand!”

CC:  “So, it is a big deal?!?!?”

Reese:  “You know, what?  You’re crazy!”

CC:  “No, you are!  Why would it be the end just because I’m reading?!?!”

Reese:  “It’s not!  I’m just messin’ around!!!”

CC:  “Then, why is everyone all up on me like that?”

Reese:  “Who?”

CC:  “All the people who read your blog!”

Reese:  “Oh my gawd!  Dude, ‘cause you’re infamous on my blog!!”

CC:  “Why is that?  Why do they think I’m some sort of axe-toting carnie mass murderer?!?!”

Reese:  “Because you ARE some sort of axe-toting carnie mass murderer!  You’re the one that made that South Park picture!”

CC:  “Oh, yeah…”

Reese:  “And also, they know about how you almost beat that girl up at the movies…”

CC:  “Oh, yeah…”

Reese:  “And, they know how you made a fraudulent contract for allowance when you were six…”

CC:  “Ha!  That was brilliant though!”

Reese:  “And, they know how you buried my Barbie dolls…”

CC:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   THAT WAS HI-LARIOUS!!!”

Reese:  “And, they know…”

CC [still laughing]:  “Okay, okay stop.  It’s just too funny.”

Reese:  “Good.”

CC:  “Alright, alright I’m over it.  Anyways, I gotta run.  I’ll talk to you later.”

Reese:  “Cool.  Of course, you know I’m going to have to write about this?”

CC:  “Oh!  Is that how this works?”

Reese:  “Pretty much.”

CC:  “Whatever.  Peace!”




© Copyright 2006.  All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

So, This is How it Ends: The Prequel

[Reese’s Phone Rings to the Mission Impossible Theme song…]


Reese:  “Hello.”

CC:  “Hey, Reese.”

Reese:  “Yeah…”

CC:  “Mom said you’re moving back to Maryland.  Is that true?”

Reese:  “I dunno???”

CC:  “Whatever.  Anyways, what’s your blog’s address?”

Reese:  “Why do you want to know?”

CC:  “Because, I want to read it.”

Reese:  “Why?”

CC:  “Because, I want to read what you write about me.”

Reese:  “Why?”

CC:  “Because I’m bored at work, okay?!?!?!?!”

Reese:  “So?”

CC:  “So, give me your blog address!!!!!”

Reese:  “Hmmmm…no.”

CC:  “Why not?!?!?!”

Reese:  “‘Cause I don’t want you to read what I write.”

CC:  “Why not?!?!”

Reese:  “Because you can’t read it.”

CC:  “WHY NOT?!?!?”

Reese:  “Because the first rule of blogging is that your family isn’t allowed to read what you write.”

CC:  “Who said that?”

Reese:  “Bloggers.”

CC:  “And who are they?”

Reese:  “Bloggers.”

CC:  “Look, if you don’t give me your address, I’ll just google [insert Reese’s real name] and find everything you’ve ever written and I’ll find it that way.”

Reese:  “Fine.  Do that.  Good luck.”

CC:  “REESE!!!  TELL ME THE ADDRESS TO YOUR BLOG!!!”

Reese:  “Why do you want to read it now?  You never wanted to read it before.”

CC:  “Because, I’m bored at my new job and I want to read something slightly entertaining.  Now, what’s the address?”

Reese:  “You’re bored working for Ross Perot?”

CC:  “I DON’T WORK FOR ROSS PEROT, INC. ANYMORE!!!  DUH!!!!”

Reese:  “Oh, yeah…”

CC:  “WHAT’S THE ADDRESS?!?!?!”

Reese:  “No, way.  You’re just going to tell Mom and then she’s going to read it.  And then I won’t be able to have a blog anymore.”

CC:  “I’m not going to tell Mom!!!  Besides, the computer at home doesn’t work anymore it has a virus on it.”

Reese:  “Liar.  I was just home a month ago and the computer was fine.”

CC:  “Yeah, well now it has a virus and it won’t let anyone get on the internet.  So, I’ll only read your blog at work!!”

Reese:  “Liar.”

CC:  “GIVE ME THE ADDRESS!!!!”

Reese:  “I have to think about it.”

CC:  “Give.  Me.  The.  Address.  I’m not messing around, Reese.  I’ll harass you every day of your life until I find out the address.  You know I will!”

Reese:  [sigh]

CC:  [determined silence]

Reese:  “Meh.  Fine.  It’s somethingdifferenow.blogspot.com.  Knock yourself out.”

CC:  “Yeah!!!  Thanx, Reese.”

Reese:  “Whatever.”

CC [hanging up the phone]:  “Talk to you later!”

Reese [sighing]:  “So this is how it all ends, huh?  Well, it was a nice blog while it lasted…”




© Copyright 2006.  All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

So, This is How it Ends

Everyone say hello to my sister CC.


She now reads the blog.


Sigh.


Lord help us.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Reese's Annual Cursing of the NCAA Basketball Tournament

Continuing with tradition, Reese curses the teams in the tournament. Please forgive her and her moment of insanity...

Okay, she's often insane, but please just forgive this moment of insanity...


--------------------


AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!




I HATE YOU UCONN!!!!!



I HATE YOU!!!!!



YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!



YOU GD BASTARDS!!!!!



YOU FUGLY, FUGLY, BASTARDS!!!!



YOU CAN’T FREAKIN’ BEAT GEORGE MASON?!?!?!?!



IT’S GEORGE MASON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!



GEORGE MASON!!!!!



YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE I WAS TO WINNING MY OFFICE POOL, UNCONN?!?!?!



I WAS SOOOOOO CLOSE!!!!



I HATE YOU!!!!



IN FACT…WHAT DAY IS IT??





OKAY, March 26, 2006.



MARK THE DAY.



SOMEONE MARK THIS DAY!!!



ON THIS DAY, March 26, 2006, REESE THE LAW GIRL OFFICIALLY PUT UCONN ON HER LIST OF TEAMS SHE WILL FOREVER HATE!!!



DO YOU KNOW WHAT TEAMS ARE ON THAT LIST, UCONN??



DUKE.



THAT’S IT!



JUST DUKE.



AND NOW YOU’RE ON THE LIST, UCONN!!!



YOU BASTARDS!!!



BASSSTTTTARRDDSSS!!!!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

How I Know I'm a Good Person

When LSU beat Duke last night, and J.J. Redick walked back to his bench crying like a little girl, I laughed a lot.


I screamed and yelled, “HAHAHAHA!!!! DUCK FUKE!!!”


And then, all of a sudden, I got real quiet.


I felt a twinge of pity for poor J.J.


His last college game. And he never won a national championship.


In his four years, he watched Syracuse, North Carolina, and UConn win a national championship.


But Duke? No national championship.


And, in a moment which is surely to never repeat itself again, I said the following…


“Awwww! Poor, J.J.”


And, I meant it.




And then, I pressed the re-wind button on my Tivo and watched J.J. cry over, and over, and over, and over again.


My pity quickly dissipated, and I became overjoyed with Duke’s loss.



But, somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP in my heart, I still feel a little bad for J.J. Redick.


But, on the other hand....



DUCK FUKE!!!


-----------------------------------


In
other news, I am doing okay in the SD League Challenge. Currently, I’m in 4th place which is pretty good for me. Also, kudos to Eliza for taking over 1st place!!! This year, we will not let “Lisa’s” cousin from Canada win again (“Lisa’s” cousin wins every year!). NEVER AGAIN!!!!!


In even BETTER news, I picked 3 of the 4 winners last night in my office pool. As I was tied for second place, I think if I continue at this rate I may have a chance to win the whole thing.


YEAH!!!! Let’s hope I can do it.



And, in the BESTEST news, last night I ran into Orlando Bloom at a South Beach sports bar!



No, I didn’t. I just felt like saying that. Maybe it will actually come true if I think it. Right? Right?



Whatever! You guys suck!!!! >p~~~~



Oh…and uhhh…Happy March Madness!!!





© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I've Got Nothing!

this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Life Decisions

To:  All Federal Slaves
From:  Becky Ann
Subject:  Celebrate Good Times!

Love is a wonderful thing.  Celebrate the commitment of your co-worker, Mary Sue and her engagement to Lt. Gerald Irvine Joe by contributing to their wedding shower gift.  I will come around next Friday (pay day) to each office to collect your contribution.

---------------------------------

To:  All Federal Slaves
From:  Emily Beth
Subject:  The Joy of a Lifetime

Children are a blessing.  Celebrate the birth of Brittany Lee’s son by contributing to her baby shower gift.  I will come around next Friday (pay day) to each office to collect your contribution.

----------------------------------



Egypt:  “You know, I’m getting really sick of all these people asking for money.  This is a big office and I don’t even know any of these people to be donating money like that!”

Debbie:  “I know!  It should be just your friends who give something.  Why they gotta go and ask the whole office?!?!”

Reese:  “Yeah, and then they only come around for the money on pay day!”

Alex:  “It’s ridiculous really!”

Debbie:  “You know they just go up to their friends and tell them to go around the office and get money for them!”

Egypt:  “Yeah, and no one collected for Alex when he had his baby!”

Alex:  “Yeah, none of ya’ll went around asking for money for me!”

Debbie:  “Yeah…”

Egypt:  “Yeah…”

Reese [laughing]:  “Dude, we are some scandalous friends!  Sorry, Alex.”

Alex:  “No, but really, I wouldn’t expect you to ask for money, for me, from complete strangers.  That’s rude!”

Egypt:  “Yeah, well this time, I’m going to say “No!”  I’ve probably spent about $50.00 total on all these life decisions since I got here.  And I haven’t even been here for a year!”

Reese:  “What do you mean, “this time?”  I’ve been saying “no” each time one of these tax collectors comes around.”

Debbie:  “Are you serious?!?”

Reese:  “Yeah.”

Debbie:  “What do you say?”

Reese:  “I say, “I don’t have anything.”

Egypt:  “Just like that?”

Reese:  “Yeah.”

Alex:  “And, what do the tax collectors say?”

Reese:  “Oh, they “hee” and “haw” until it finally seeps in that I won’t give them anything.  And then they leave, but not before I tell them to close the door on their way out.  Hahaha!”

Debbie:  “You do not!!!”

Reese:  “I do too!!!”

Egypt:  “Wow, Reese!  You are my role model!  I’m gonna do it too!  Tomorrow, when Becky Ann comes around asking for money, I’m going to tell her I don’t have anything.”

Debbie:  “So am I!”

Alex:  “Yeah, me too!”

Reese:  “Cool!  Now, I won’t be the only bad guy!”

Debbie:  “Bad Attorney’s Unite!”

Everyone:  “Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”



The Next Day…



To:  Reese, Debbie, Alex
From:  Egypt
Subject:  I’m a Loser

Becky Ann came around.  I couldn’t say no.  She just kept looking at me.  I gave $5.00.  I’m weak.  I wish I had your strength, Reese.  :(

-------------------------------

To:  Egypt, Debbie, Alex
From:  Reese
Subject:  Re:  I’m a Loser

You suck, Egypt!

------------------------------

To:  Reese, Egypt, Alex
From:  Debbie
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Don’t worry about, Reese.  I’ll be a Bad Attorney with you.  I’ll say no!

----------------------------

To:  Reese, Egypt, Alex
From:  Debbie
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Awwww, man!  I gave $5.00 too.  I couldn’t do it!  Becky Ann used to be my clerk!  She just kept looking at me!

----------------------------

To:  Reese, Egypt, Debbie
From:  Alex
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

PUNKS!  ALL OF YOU!  

-------------------------

To:  Reese, Egypt, Debbie
From:  Alex
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Okay, I didn’t exactly say “no.”  I said I didn’t have any cash.  She said she’ll come back later.  

That still counts though, right?

---------------------------

To:  Alex, Debbie, Egypt
From:  Reese
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

You all suck!  Now, I have to be the bad guy.  Fine!  I’ll show you how to get this done.  Come by my office in 10 minutes and I’ll tell you how it all went down.






10 Minutes Later…



Egypt:  “So did you do it?”

Reese:  “Hell yeah!”

Debbie:  “Wow!”

Alex:  “So what happened?”

Reese:  “Well, I was sitting at my desk, typing, when she knocked on the door…”




10 Minutes Earlier…


[Knock, knock, knock]

Reese:  “Yes.”

Becky Ann [enters]:  “Hello.  I’m sure you got my e-mail last week, that I would be coming around to collect for Mary Sue’s wedding shower gift…”

Reese [still typing]:  “Yeah…”

Becky Ann:  “Well, I’m here for your contribution so…”

Reese [still typing]:  “I don’t have anything.”

Becky Ann [in shock]:  “Wha…what?”

Reese [stops typing, turns toward Becky Ann]:  “I.  Don’t.  Have.  Anything.”

Becky Ann:   [silent and staring at Reese]

Reese:  [silent and staring at Becky Ann]

Becky Ann:  “Ummm…oh…okay…”

Reese [goes back to typing]:  “Okay, thank you.  Please close the door on your way out.”

Becky Ann:  “Ummm…oh…okay…”

Reese [typing]:  “Bye, bye!”




Back to the Present…


Alex:  “Dang!”

Egypt:  “Wow, Reese!”

Debbie:  “You are ‘bout it, girl!”

Reese:  “Yeah, well, I do what I can.”

Egypt:  “I’m gonna do it too.  The next time one of those tax collectors comes around, I’m just going to say “no.”

Reese:  “No, you’re not.”

Egypt:  “I’m not?”

Reese:  “Nope, none of you are.”

Debbie:  “Yeah?  And how can you be so sure?”

Reese:  “You all are too nice.”

Egypt:  “Yes, we are very nice people.”

Debbie:  “And you are really, really evil, Reese.”

Reese:  “Yeah, and besides think about it like this:  if we were all evil that would probably disrupt the balance of ying and yang or something.”

Alex:  “What?!?”

Reese:  “Yeah, the space-time continuum would rip or something and we’d all be doctors instead of attorneys or something.”

Debbie:  “DOCTORS?!?”

Egypt:  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Alex:  “I CAN’T BE A DOCTOR!!!  THAT’S TOO MUCH WORK!!!!”
     
Egypt:  “AND WAY TOO MUCH MATH!!!”

Debbie [freaking out]:  “REESE!!!!  I DON’T WANT TO BE DOCTOR!!!  I LIKE MY MONEY FAST AND EASY!!!!”

Reese:  “Geez, ya’ll, calm down!  Now, don’t worry about it, okay?  Just live your evilness through me.”

Egypt:  “Live our evilness through you?  Yes, that’s a much better plan than being a doctor!”  

Debbie [calming down]:  “Yes, we’ll do that instead!”

Reese:  “See?  It all works itself out.”

Alex:  “Cool.  You know, there are some kids in my neighborhood who need to be taken care of.  You think you could do something…”

Reese:  “Shhh…we’ll talk about it at the drop-off point.  There’s way too many feds here.”

Everyone:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”




© Copyright 2006.  All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It's On!!!!


I Declare the Games of the Annual NCAA Men’s Division I Tournament…



OPEN!!!



Whooo-Hooooo!!!!!



I know, I know, I’m cheesy.


Whatever.



I also proclaim that the Trash Talking may now officially begin (yes, I know Jonny R. started trashing talking already, but that was before the official declaration of trash talking, so it doesn’t count!)



Ahem…please, if you may, let me begin the trash talking…




To the Missouri Valley Conference:


You better bring it!! ‘Cause you know your sorry @$$es don’t belong in the tournament!

Yeah, I said it. What? What? What you gonna do? Win? Fine, prove me wrong. Bring it! Bring it!

----------------------------------

To all SD League Participants:

It’s on now, suckaz! I’m taking you down! DOWN!! DOWN TO DOWNTOWN, BABY!!!

Yeah, I said it. What? What? What you gonna do? Win? Fine, prove me wrong. Bring it! Bring it!

---------------------------------

To Reese the Law Girl:

When are you gonna learn how to trash talk properly? You really suck at it.


Yeah, I said it. What? What? What you gonna do? Trash talk properly? Fine, prove me wrong. Bring it! Bring it!




Sorry, ya’ll. I’m currently off my meds.



Whatever!






Happy March Madness!!!!!!! :)






© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Book of Reese: Nausea and Brackets

The Book of Reese. The 28th Chapter, versus 259-260.


“And, on the third day of the week, God blessed Reese with a stomach virus. And, although Reese was in a considerable amount of pain, it was still better than going to work. For in between Reese’s many episodes of blahness, she was able to play Tekken 5. Hallelujah!”


-------------------------------------


The Book of Reese. The 27th Chapter, versus 259-260.

“And on this day, Reese did a very good thing. She helped all those unfortunate souls who knew not how to fill out their brackets. And the insight that she had, only by means of the Lord himself, was as follows…”



Okay, so it’s time to select your bracket picks. As I’m an expert at picking out brackets (and have won 0 bracket challenges), I thought I’d give you some tips for when you fill out your brackets.

First, you must repress all basketball knowledge. If you know anything about college basketball, you must find a way to forget it. It’s of absolutely no use to you in the bracket challenge. You will lose the challenge if you rely on basketball knowledge. The reason why? Irony- pure and simple. Here are some suggestions to getting rid of the basketball knowledge that you do have:


* Hit yourself in the head with a bat.
* Bang your head on your desk.
* Run, head first, into the wall.
* Go back in time and tell your past self not to watch any basketball this season.


Now, if you’re finding it difficult to get rid of your basketball knowledge (as in, you have a concussion and short-term memory loss, but still plenty of basketball knowledge) do not despair. There is hope for you yet. Do one of the following and you still might get second place:


1. Have Your Dog Fill Out Your Brackets: First, sit down with your dog. Then, say a team’s name to your dog. If he looks up to you in confusion, pick that team. If he growls or wags his tail, do not pick that team. By employing this method, you maximize the appropriate amount of randomness needed to beat my little sister in the bracket challenge.

* NOTE: You may substitute other pets instead of using a dog. For example, if you say Kentucky, and your goldfish swims to the left, then pick Kentucky. If you say Duke, and your goldfish swims to the right, DON’T pick Duke. Please be aware that you can never use cats with this tip. They are too smart, hence you will automatically lose.


2. Play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-B-Ball Team: If you only have a cat, the next best option is to select your teams based on the game Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey. Just like the “Donkey” game, place a piece of paper on the wall that has the names of 2 teams who are going against each other- say, Villanova University vs. Timbuktoo University. Now, put on a blindfold and spin yourself around 5 times. Now go forward with a thumbtack in your hand. If your thumbtack lands on Timbuktoo University then pick that school to win. Congratulations! You just picked the first #16 seed in the history of the tournament to beat a #1 seed. Everyone will think you’re bloody brilliant when it turns out you were right.


3. Have Jessica Simpson Fill Out Your Brackets: Okay, so you don’t have a thumbtack. Then, what you need is Jessica Simpson. Two years ago, this intellectually challenged singer beat her then husband (a die-hard University of Cincinnati fan) and all of their friends, by picking Georgia Tech and St. Joseph’s University to go deep into the tournament. How did she do it? Because she’s stoopid. And, that’s what you need. A stoopid person to pick your brackets.

* NOTE: You may also use Kobe Bryant. Yes, he’s a basketball player, but he has no basketball knowledge (evident by the fact that once upon a time he had Shaquile O’Neal and Phil Jackson fired from the Lakers).


4. Pick a Random Person on the Street and Ask Them to Fill out Your Brackets: Alright, so you’ve been arrested trying to get Jessica Simpson and Kobe Bryant to fill out your brackets. But, that’s okay. You still have some more methods to employ.

First, hit the main street of the city or town that you live in. Next, start asking random people on the street if they know what basketball is. If you find someone who has never heard of basketball, ask that person to fill out your brackets. Be really nice about it, as they may think you’re a crazy homeless person. Really, though, this is the next best thing to getting Jessica Simpson to fill out your brackets.


5. Use the CC Method: The CC Method is the method that my little sister uses to pick her brackets. It involves saying teams’ names and picking the teams whose names you like the best. But, you have to do this the right way. You must pronounce each syllable of the team name and then pick the team. For example:

* For the University of Connecticut say: CON-NEC-TI-CUT
* Then, for Crap-Butt University say: CRAP-BUTT
* Now, which team name do you like better, “Connecticut” or “Crap-Butt”? Pick the team name you like the best and pick that team to win the match-up.

* NOTE: Many people say you can also fill out your brackets by picking which teams’ mascots you like the best. I believe this is a bad idea. Many times, people pick mascots, which if real, would really kill the other team’s mascot. For example, a “Fighting Irishman (Notre Dame)” probably wouldn’t have any problem killing an “Emasculated Hen (Virginia Tech).” But, not necessarily so in Tournament World. In Tournament World, that Emasculated Hen has just as good of a chance as winning as the Fighting Irishman. So, really, I think its best not to pick based on mascots. This method is a trick that could end up tricking you up.


Alright! Now you have the secrets to filling out your brackets for the Something Different Bracket Challenge. Please, don’t forget to join SD League Challenge to play. I look forward to kicking at least one person’s butt during this game; for, I already know that I will probably lose the whole thing. ;)

Happy March Madness!!





© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

March Madness is Here: Play the Something Different Bracket Challenge

The SD Bracket Challenge is back!!!!



Whoooo-hooooo!!!!!



For those who don’t know- like you live outside of the U.S. or you live in the U.S., but you have never watched TV or talked to an American in your life, March Madness is the annual, month long event where we all find out which college basketball team is the best college basketball team in the land. It’s a huge! Wait…HUGE, event.

65 teams compete against each other in 33 games. If a team loses just once, they are tossed out of the tournament (one and done, as it’s called).

So, we start with 65 teams. After the first round, we have 32 teams. After the second round, we have 16 teams (called the Sweet 16). Then, we have 8 teams (called the Elite 8). Next we have 4 teams (called the Final Four). And, finally, we have the last 2 teams (which have been referred to as the Dynamic Duo (even if it does infringe on Batman’s ™)).

The teams are all organized in a bracket. Thus, with the Bracket Challenge, you try to guess which teams will win their respective games.

So, Something Different is sponsoring a Bracket Challenge again this year. If you’d like to play, follow the directions below (please play!! It’s so much more fun the more people you have). :)

NOTE: The NCCA Selection Committee will not decide which teams will be in the Tournament until Sunday @ 6pm. But, you can at least start the process of the Bracket Challenge by registering your team. Here’s how:



1) Go here and register your team.

2) After you've registered, click on "Find League" under the League Info tab at the top of the page.

3) The league name for this blog is SD League Challenge. To join, you have to have SD League Challenge’s password. The password is lawgirl.

Now, I know some of you are probably saying, “I can’t play. I don’t know anything about basketball. I don’t even know what basketball is.” But, that’s okay. And, I’ll tell you why…

In my next article.


For now, go register. And, later this week, read How to Fill Out Your Bracket and then pick your teams!


Yea!!!

March Madness is here!!

P.S.: If you’d like to pass this on to other people, you may. The more the merrier.

P.P.S.: If you win, I'll let you pick the next big post. You can choose either Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship, The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor Working Girl, Reese's Disney Guidebook, or Tales from the Childhood.


Good Luck!!!



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Tales From the Childhood: Efficient

Late Winter, 1989.


Eleven-Year old Reese has just gotten herself dressed and ready for school. She even made her bed up this morning…


Sort of…



Reese: “No breakfast for me, Mom. I got to get to my patrol post before the 3rd graders start bombarding the 1st graders with snowballs. Little hooligans is what they are.”

Mom [rolling her eyes]: “Okay, Officer Reese. But, before you go I have to ask the question I ask you every single morning: did you make up your bed?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Mom: “No, wait. Before you commit yourself to an answer, I mean did you really make up your bed? I mean it’s neat. The pillows are tucked under the blanket and the blanket is actually positioned over the entire bed?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Mom: “I don’t believe you.”

Reese: “Mom, I don’t have time for this! The 3rd graders, remember?!?! If you don’t believe me, go check for yourself.”

Mom: “Fine, I will.”


Reese’s Mom goes into Reese and CC’s room to look at Reese’s bed. And, to her surprise, Reese’s bed is actually made up. And, not just made up. The sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. are perfectly tucked and put into place. It’s perfectly neat.



Actually, it’s almost a little too neat…



Mom: “This is a little too neat.”

Reese: “It’s made isn’t it?”

Mom: “Alright, did you hire someone to come in here to make your bed up?”

Reese: “No, Mom.”

Mom: “Did you sleep in your bed last night?”

Reese: “Yes!”

Mom [getting angry]: “Okay, look! I have been telling you for the last two years to make up your dag-on bed!! And, then one day, all of a sudden you do it?!?! I don’t buy it, lady! So, what’s the deal?!?! What’s the scam?!?! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!”

Reese: “Okay, Mom, now I know you love manual labor and all, but you’re going to actually be very proud of me.”

Mom: “Oh, Lord give me strength…”

Reese: “See, the way I see it, we both make out as winners on this one.”

Mom: “Please, Lord, I can only take so much stress…”

Reese: “Okay, after you showed me last night how to make up my bed properly it just looked to perfect to mess up…”

Mom: “Yeah…”

Reese: “So, I thought, “Why ruin a good thing?”

Mom: “Yeah…”

Reese: “So, I put my sleeping bad on top of my bed and I slept in the sleeping bag instead of in the bed.”

Mom: [silence]

Reese: “You see, this way I get all the comfort of sleeping in a bed, but not all the hassle of sleeping in a bed. I don’t ever have to make it up and you don’t ever have to yell at me to make it up. We’re both winners!!”

Mom: [silence]

Reese: “Mom?”

Mom: “Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah, Mom?”

Mom: “You have got to be…”

Reese: “Uh-huh?”

Mom: “THE LAZIEST CHILD EVER BORN ON THE PLANET EARTH!!!”

Reese: “What?!?!”

Mom: “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP IN THE BED AND, WHEN YOU WAKE UP, MAKE UP THE BED! DO YOU THINK I’M RAISING YOU TO BE A BUM?!?!?! YOU DON’T SLEEP IN A SLEEPING BAG!!! YOU SLEEP IN THE BED AND YOU MAKE IT UP!!! IT’S NOT HARD!!! YOU MAKE IT UP!!! YOU MAKE IT UP!!!!!”

Reese: “But, Mom, it’s more efficient this way!”

Mom: “EFFICIENT?!?! EFFICIENT?!?! WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?!?!?! IS THAT WHAT I SEND YOU TO THESE WHITE SCHOOLS FOR?!?!? SO YOU CAN LEARN WORDS LIKE EFFICIENT?!?!?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT EFFICIENT REALLY MEANS?!?! IT’S A SYNONYM FOR “LAZY!!!”

Reese: “No, Mom, “efficient” means…”

Mom: “GIRL, DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT “EFFICIENT” MEANS!!!”

Reese: “Awww, man…”

Mom: “Now, you listen to me! From now on you sleep in the bed! And, when you wake up, you make up the bed!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Mom: “Now, go on and get to your patrol post before you’re too late. Or did you invent teleporting so you wouldn’t have to walk to school?!?!”

Reese: [sigh] “Bye, Mom.”

Mom [mumbling under her breath]: “…“efficient!” “Efficient” my butt! I’ll show her “efficient…”




Later that morning…


Joey: “Hey, Reese, you’re late! The 3rd graders took out some 1st graders on their way to the playground.”

Reese: “Sorry, Joey.”

Lucy: “C’mon, Reese! You’re "The Enforcer!" We patrols are counting on you. What gives?”

Reese: “Aww, man! My mom yelled at me because I slept in my sleeping bag on top of my bed last night instead of sleeping in my bed.”

Joey: “Why’d you do that?”

Reese: “So, I wouldn’t have to make my bed in the morning.”

Lucy: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Joey: “REESE! THAT’S BRILLIANT!! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!!!”

Lucy: “Hey, everyone come here!!! Listen to what Reese invented!!! You’ll never have to make your beds again!!!!”




The next morning…




Joey: “Reese! Hello, you’re late again!!”

Reese: “Yeah, I know. My mom wouldn’t let me leave until I made up my bed.”

Lucy: “Oh, too bad. By the way, Joey and I both did what you did and slept in our sleeping bags instead of in the bed last night.”

Reese: “Oh, yeah?”

Joey: “Yeah, Reese. It worked perfectly!!!”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Lucy: “Yeah, I didn’t have to make my bed or nothing!!!”

Reese: “But, didn’t your parents yell at you for being lazy?”

Joey: “No, no way!”

Lucy: “My dad said it was very efficient."

Reese: “Are you serious?!?”

Joey: “Yeah, my mom said that too. She said, “Joey, you are the most industrious little boy on the planet. To come up with such an efficient idea shows how smart you are.”

Reese: “Man, I can’t believe it!!!”

Lucy: “Sorry, your mom won’t let you use your sleeping bag, Reese.”

Reese: “Yeah, but, I guess it makes sense in a way.”

Joey: “Yeah, how so?”

Reese: “Well, my mom always said that when you’re Black you have to work twice as hard. I guess this just proves what she said is true.”

Lucy: “Man! Being black must be tough.”

Reese: “Yeah, I mean you got to make your bed and everything!”

Joey: “Geesh! Sorry, you’re black Reese.”

Lucy [patting Reese on the shoulder]: “Yeah, sorry.”

Reese: [sigh] “There’s always something trying to keep the little black girl down. There’s always something…”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Bleh, I'm Still Here (Responding to Your Comments on "Bleh, I'm Back")

this is an audio post - click to play