Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 3

So, here's the latest trial of PWG.



In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

The Labyrinth

As Poor Working Girl (PWG) relishes in her recent victory over level 1 boss, Overzealous Security Guard, she is suddenly taken aback by a strange light and an equally strange voice.

???: “Don’t think you’re hot stuff. I have many bosses and many levels.”

PWG: “Who is that? The light is so bright…I can’t see…”

???: “Who is it?!? Uh, hello!?!?! It’s the Dragon, of course!”

PWG: “The Dragon!!!”

Dragon: “Yes, the Dragon. Didn’t I just say that?”

PWG: “Wow. Can’t believe I’m actually talking to the Dragon. This is kinda cool…”

Dragon: “Well, I imagine it is very cool for you. I mean, I am THE Dragon and… HEY! Quit that! You’re supposed to fear me!!”

PWG: “Fear you? You obviously don’t know who you’re dealing with do you? I’m Poor Working Girl! I fear no one…”

“Except for my creditors. Now, there’s a scary bunch, let me tell you…”

Dragon: “SILENCE! We will see what you’re made of! Take these magical forms to the Land of Travel Approval and we shall see how brave you really are!”

PWG: “Take some forms to the Land of Travel Approval?!? Are serious? Isn’t this a job for one your minions?”

Dragon: “NEWSFLASH: You are one of my minions! The Code of the Poor Working Girl is to infiltrate the Dragon’s organization from within. Duh!!!”

PWG: “Wait, wait, wait!”

“There’s a Code of the Poor Working Girl?”

Dragon: “Oh, this is just ridiculous! I mean, really! Who is your Ancient Asian Master? Hasn’t he taught you anything?”

PWG: “No, not really. I mainly just detail his car.”

Dragon: “Well, that sucks.”

PWG [rolling her eyes]: “Tell me about it!”

Dragon: “You know I kind of feel sorry for you, PWG- having a no good Ancient Asian Master and all. So, you know, I’m going to give you a hint on how to complete this trial.”

PWG: “Really? You know, I’m ‘bout it enough not to need any hints.”

Dragon: “Uhhh, hello? I’m doing you a favor. Do you want to wander aimlessly through the Land of Travel Approval or not?”

PWG: “Alright, what’s the hint?”

Dragon: “To get to the Land of Travel Approval, you must find the True Office Assistant.”

PWG: “The True Office Assistant? Who’s that?”

Dragon: “Well, it wouldn’t be a hint if I gave you the answer now would it?”

PWG: “I guess not…”

Dragon: “Find the True Office Assistant and you shall be well on your way to defeating me in a totally wicked cool, although not completely imagined in the head of our narrator, battle sequence!”


Dragon: “Yeah, I know…”

PWG: “So, you think I can defeat you?”

Dragon: “No…no, I don’t.”

PWG: “Dang!”

Dragon: “But, I do like you kid. You’ve got moxey.”

PWG: “Thanx!”

Dragon: “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. But, don’t get too happy just yet. I doubt you’ll ever find the True Office Assistant. She’s really hidden down in the dumps. MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it? Down in the dumps?”

PWG: “No.”

Dragon: “You will. MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

PWG: “Are you done yet?”

Dragon: “Just one more- MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

PWG: “Whatever.”

As Poor Working Girl turns to start her journey to the Land of Travel Approval, she realizes that this trial may be a bit more difficult than she initially realized. For in front of her are hundreds, if not thousands, of corridors. The path to the Land of Travel Approval is not a straight one. It is a dizzying maze...

A labyrinth.

Nice how I got the sub-title in there, huh?

PWG [communicating telepathically]: “Uhhh, Ancient Chinese Master, I could use some help. This labyrinth is pretty expansive. What should I do?”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Wait…I am meditating on the answer…”

PWG: “Okay.”

ACM: “SHHH!!! I’m meditating…”

PWG [whispering]: “…okay…”

ACM: “Yes! Yes! I’ve got it!!!”

PWG: “What is it?!? What should I do?!?!”

ACM: “Start…walking…”

PWG: “Yes…”

ACM: “That’s it. Start walking.”

PWG: “Start walking?”

ACM: “Yes.”

PWG: “Really?”

ACM: “Yes.”

PWG: “God, I hate you.”

ACM: “Hehehehe! It’s just so easy to mess with you!”

Well, having no other choice, Poor Working Girl starts walking through the labyrinth. She walks and walks through an endless maze of offices, cubicles, and obscenely bland meeting rooms. She keeps walking until she sees an open room emitting a strange, pulsating light.

Struck by curiosity, and also stupidity, Poor Working Girl goes inside the room. Immediately, she realizes what this place is.

PWG: “I know this place…”

Narrator: “Uh, yeah, I just said that.”

PWG: “Shut-up!!! You’re not supposed to be in a dialogue sequence! This is my show! Get to narrating!!!!”

Narrator: “God! You’re such a bi…”


Narrator: “You know what? Just for your snappy attitude, I refuse to narrate until you apologize!”

PWG: “WHAT?!?!”

Narrator: “I’m on strike!”


Narrator: “Yeah, well, I’m tired and you are mean and so now I’m on strike!”


Narrator: “APOLOGIZE!!!”

PWG: “NO!!!!”

Narrator [walking away]: “Fine. Then, I’m out. I got other stuff I gotta do anyways!”


Narrator [still walking]: “NO!”

PWG [screaming]: “FINISH MY STORY!!!!”

Narrator [getting into her car and driving away]: “LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

PWG: “OH, THIS IS SOME [insert bad word]!!!!”


© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 2

Here's the next chapter.

Originally posted on July 20, 2005.

Hey, J, I'm still pondering your question. So far, I really like Cracka Vapors. ;)

A new PWG tomorrow!!!!



In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Master, I have achieved a great many things since I began my training. I am now ready to take on the Dragon.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Foolish girl!! How can you take on the Dragon when you can’t even enter the lair?”

PWG: “But, Master it is easy. I will just walk in.”

ACM: “Walk in?!? Hahahaha. Seriously?”

PWG: “Yea.”

ACM: “Good luck with that.”

Now that the PWG arrives on time to the Dragon’s lair, she must find a way to enter it. PWG believes this is the simplest of tasks; however, she is wrong. For she has not yet met the Dragon’s Level 1 Boss- The Overzealous Security Guard.


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


OSG: “Well, what do we have here? A knife is it?”

PWG: “What? The Dragon allows 1 hour of re-energizing a day. I need this knife to partake in my nourishment. I mean, how else am I going to eat this orange?”

OSG: “Yes, 1 hour of re-energizing is allowed; but, not illegal paraphernalia. This knife has a sharp edge. You can only bring in knives that don’t have sharp edges. Come back when you don’t have any weapons.”

“Next in line!”

PWG: “Oh, man!”


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


PWG: “What?”

OSG: “Did you bring another knife in here?”

PWG: “Yes…”

OSG: “I told you- no weapons!!”

PWG: “It’s a butter knife!!!”

OSG: “Do you know what a person can do with a butter knife?!? They could hit someone with it. Or throw it at someone.”

PWG: “But, you said…”

OSG: “Don’t tell me what I said! I know the rules! And no metal knives are allowed!!”

PWG: “No metal knives?”

OSG: “No metal knives. Come back when you get it right.”

“Next in line!!”


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


PWG: “Oh, for Pete’s sake!”

OSG: “Are you a terrorist?”

PWG: “NO! I am not a terrorist!!”

OSG: “Then why do you keep bringing in illegal paraphernalia?”

PWG: “It’s a freakin’ plastic knife!! What in the hell am I going to do with a plastic knife?!?”

OSG: “Only someone as sinister as you would know…”

PWG [mocking OSG]: “Look! You said, ‘no metal knives, uh duh!’ So, I brought in a plastic one.”

OSG: “And it has a jagged edge!”

PWG: “Yes, a PLASTIC jagged edge!!”

OSG: “Plus, it’s more than 2 inches long. And, that's what’s really dangerous. Come back next time when you have a shorter knife with no edge.”

“Next in line!”


OSG: “Place your items…Oh, it’s you- the terrorist. All right, let’s see what you brought this time.”


PWG: “Oh, this is just…yea, I know, ‘illegal paraphernalia.’”

OSG: “Didn’t I tell you ‘no metal knives?’”

PWG: “This knife is made out of aluminum foil. It is 1 ¾ inches long and has no edge!!”

OSG: “It’s still metal.”

PWG: “You know what?!?! I’m going to kill you for real, with my fake @%$ knife!!”

OSG [speaking into his walkie talkie]: “BACK UP!! I NEED BACK UP!!!”

As subordinate overzealous security guards escort PWG off of the Dragon Lair’s premises, she has a few choice words for the OSG…

PWG: “[insert a few choice words]!!!”

OSG: “Yea, whatever. That bad mouth of yours isn’t going to get you in here any quicker. Just remember, you have one more shot to try to get in here before you're banned forever!!”

Later that night, while PWG is training with her Ancient Chinese Master…

PWG: “Master, I am sorry. I have failed to gain entrance into the Dragon’s lair. I am, a failure.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “A failure? No my child. You are just an idiot is all.”

PWG: “Gee, thanx. You know, I’d rather be a failure than an idiot.”

ACM: “Fine. You are a failure and an idiot.”


ACM: “Stupid girl! You can pass this test. You must think outside of the box.”

PWG: “But, I have! I’ve tried everything. Real knives, plastic knives, fake knives...”

ACM: “Oh, good grief…”

PWG: “…knives with an edge, knives with no edge…”

ACM: “Stop…”

PWG: “…short knives, tall knives…”

ACM: “Please stop…”

PWG: “…and if I don’t get it right then I lose another life and I don’t have any lives left! I’ve used four of my five already.”


PWG: “Yea?”

ACM: “You can’t bring in a knife, right?”

PWG: “Yea…”

ACM: “So, bring something else that’s sharp, that doesn’t look like a knife.”

PWG: “Oh, yea!”

ACM: “Duh!”


Armed with her new strategy, PWG approaches the Dragon’s lair, nervous and hopeful…

PWG: “I hope this works…”

OSG: “Well, well!! Look who we have here? The one who would do away with us all.”


OSG: “Sure, you’re not. You’re just a terrorist sympathizer.”


OSG: “Yea, yea, whatever. Alright, place your items on the conveyer belt.”


OSG: “Ah-ha! I knew you couldn’t resist!”

PWG: “What are you talking about? I didn’t bring any knives in here.”

OSG: “Well, you’ve got something. Let’s see…Ah-ha! It’s…it’s…”

PWG: “Not a knife.”

OSG: “No…it’s…a cork screw?”

PWG: “Right. A spiral piece of metal with a sharp tip; but, it’s not a knife…”

OSG [shaking]: “Stop…”

PWG: “A spiral piece of metal with a sharp tip; but, it’s not a knife.”

OSG [convulsing]: “No…no more…”


OSG [disintegrating]: “NOOO!!!!”

And, with the chanting of this spell, the OSG literally disappears into thin air. Thus, the path into the Dragon's lair is now clear…

PWG [via telepathy]: “Master, I’ve done it! I’ve defeated the level 1 Boss. I’m in!!”

ACM: “Yes, good my child. Good. Now, when you’re finished, don’t forget- my bonsai tree needs cutting!”

PWG: “Geez! Why am I always doing your chores?!? What is this supposed to teach me?? Patience??”

ACM: “No, it’s to get you to cut my bonsai tree. It’s overgrown and needs pruning.”

PWG: “Fine.”

ACM: “And don’t use any knives. They’re too traumatizing on the bonsai tree.”

PWG: “What?!?!”

ACM: “Practice with the cork screw instead.”

PWG: “God, I hate you.”

And thus, the swan’s song has been sung on the poor, working girl’s latest trials and tribulations. But, will the song be sung again on new trials and tribulations?


Yes it will.


© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 1


Poor Working Girl is back!!

Yes, I finally got off my lazy booty and started writing this again.

For all those who don't know the origins of Poor Working Girl, I'm reposting the first two chapters. Then, I'll post the third chapter- which is already written!

Well, sort of...

Anyways, don't worry about that. Just enjoy PWG doing her heroine thing.

Before you do start reading, I feel the need to explain this story.

I started writing about PWG when I was in a real bad place. I mean physically- I was working in this office that was a really bad place. This is what inspired PWG. So, just so you know, I'm not crazy. I don't have little characters running around in my head. Well, I mean, I do, but...

Okay, writing this was just a fun way for me to get away from it all without going off on people.

You understand, right?


Okay...well, uhhh...enjoy!

Originally posted on May 24, 2005.


In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

The poor, working girl’s journey does not begin easy. Her first trial is a test to be sure. It is called “the commute”- and it sucks.

The poor, working girl (PWG) starts her commute off getting to her bus stop extra early. Why does she do this? So she can claim a good seat. And, why is a good seat important? Because the perfect seat will guarantee PWG excellent comfort, and most importantly, the assurance that no other pathetic, slob commuters will sit next to her.

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “PWG, are you ready for your first test?”

PWG: “Yes, Master.”

ACM: “For which seat on the journey provides comfort and solitude?”

PWG: “This is a trick question, Master. On the journey, there are no seats that provide both comfort and solitude.”

ACM: “But, this is not true. There is one. Find the one…”

PWG: “But…”

ACM: “…the one…”

So, where is “the one” seat? Lucky for the PWG, she is fairly bright, and each day, she is the only commuter to find “the one” seat.

The one seat is in the back of the bus. But, it is not the last seat- oh, no. It is, to be specific, the fourth to the last seat. Thus, there are more than enough seats in the front and just enough seats behind PWG for all of the other commuters. Combine this seat, with PWG’s ancient Chinese stare which effectively conveys the message, “Don’t sit next to me!!” and PWG is guaranteed that she always gets the most comfortable seat all to herself. Thus, PWG, has easily passed her first test. Yet, there are more tests to follow.

Now that PWG has found “the one” seat, she needs her rest. Yet, the other commuters wish to talk and disturb PWG’s sleep. How does PWG pass this newest trial?

ACM: “You have achieved solitude, but how will you reach silence on this journey?”

PWG: “It is impossible Master. The others, they block my quest.”

ACM: “Ah, but it is not impossible. For the thorn in your side is the key to your silence…”

PWG: “What? That doesn’t make any sense!”

ACM: “…the thorn in your side…”

It takes the PWG a while, but she is able to figure out this test as well. First, she buys some earplugs knowing full well that her earplugs will not drown out the consistent group of talkers who have sat in her area. However, the earplugs are quite useful in protecting PWG’s hearing as she cleverly employs the “thorn in her side” to push away her annoying neighbors. For, the “thorn in her side” is the worst, most crude noise any person could witness to hear.

PWG gathers a collection of the most foul, disgusting, explicit music she can find. She plays said music on her CD player. And then, with earplugs securely placed into her ears, she puts on her headphones and cranks the volume of the CD player up to full blast!

Random Commuter #1: “Oh, my kid did the cutest thing…”


Random Commuter #1: “What, the...??”


Random Commuter #1: “Oh, my god!!”

Random Commuter #2: “That’s horrible!!”

Random Commuter #1 [tapping PWG’s shoulder]: “Excuse me!! EXCUSE ME!!”

PWG [turning music down]: “Is there something wrong?”

Random Commuter #2: “Your music is disgusting! Can you turn it off?”

PWG: “That’s an interesting proposition; but, the answer is no.”

Random Commuter #1: “Why?”

PWG [putting on her headphones and turning her CD player back on]: “Because, I find your discussions about your children equally disgusting; and, I don’t want to listen to them.”


Random Commuter #2: “Excuse me!!”

PWG: “Yes?”

Random Commuter #2: “Look, if we stop talking, will you turn your music off?”

PWG: “Now, that’s a proposition that I can accept.”

And, just like that, PWG has successfully ridden through her second challenge. Now, she has garnered comfort, solitude, and silence. Yet, there is still one last test on PWG’s commute. It is, literally, the final step.

ACM: “Stupid girl! Why have you not passed your final test?”

PWG: “It is too difficult Master. Everyday, my commuter bus gets me to the Dragon's lair shuttle bus just one minute too late. As a result, I always miss the shuttle bus I need to get to the Dragon’s lair on time.”

ACM: “Foolish girl! Must I tell you everything? The key to entering the Dragon’s lair on time lies within you.”

PWG: “What do you mean Master? I am to use my intellect, creativity, or athletic skills?”

ACM: “What? You know you have no athletic skills. And you certainly aren't that bright. No, you are to use those 2 big guns on your chest that God gave you!!”

PWG: “Master! I can’t believe you would suggest…”

ACM: “I see I am going to have to spell this out for you. When you get on the shuttle bus, flirt with the bus driver. He will grow to like you and end up waiting for you long enough for you to disembark the commuter bus and catch the shuttle bus. Thus, you will enter the Dragon’s lair on time.”

PWG: “But, Master, I cannot flirt! Whenever I try, the funny comes out instead and everything goes to hell.”

ACM: “You must suppress the funny. It is the only way. This is not an easy task. It is a fine line you must walk. But, it is the only way.”

PWG: “But, Master…”

ACM: “…the only way…”

PWG trusts her Master. Thus, she employs the Master’s technique the best that she can. She says “hello” and “thank you” to the bus driver. When he asks her, her name she tells him. And, when the bus driver asks what she’s reading, PWG discusses with him her favorite chick lit authors. And, to PWG’s surprised, this technique works. PWG is able to arrive on time to the Dragon’s lair as the shuttle bus driver waits 1 minute later than he should in order to ensure that PWG catches the shuttle bus. All is well, until…

PWG: “Thanx, see you later…”

Bus Driver: “Ummm…hold on a second. I wanted to ask you something…”

Inside PWG’s Head: “Oh, god! No, no, no!!”

Bus Driver: “I find you really brave to be trying to take on the Dragon and everything. I’d like to know more about you. Is there anyway we can meet up OUTSIDE OF THE DRAGON’S LAIR?”

Inside PWG’s Head: “Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!!! Shoot, what do I do?”

What PWG Really Said: “Sure...”

Bus Driver: “Really?”

PWG: “Sure! We can discuss my plan to take down the Dragon outside of the lair…”

Bus Driver: “GREAT!”

PWG: “G…r…e…a…t…”

And, just like that, PWG has failed this test. Somehow, unbeknownst to PWG, she crossed the line her Master had told her about. How will PWG pass the test now? Well, lucky for PWG, her virtue can stay in tact even when she employs an elaborate web of lies…

PWG: “Hey, Bus Driver. You know, I was thinking of just giving you some information about taking down the Dragon. I don’t think I’m going to have time to meet. I don’t live in this area, so I could only meet during lunch.”

Bus Driver: “Oh, but, I can’t meet during lunch. I have to drive the shuttle bus.”

PWG: “Oh, no!”

Bus Driver: “Well, what about the weekend?”

PWG: “Hmmm? I may be able to finangle something. Only thing is my boyfriend will have my car…”

Bus Driver: “You have a boyfriend?”

PWG: “Yea, we just started dating exclusively. He’s a dentist/actor/casino owner/comic book enthusiast.”

Bus Driver: “Wow. He sounds really impressive.”

PWG: “Oh, yes. He’s perfect. So, anyways, maybe my boyfriend…”

Bus Driver: “You know, I can probably learn about overthrowing the Dragon on the internet.”

PWG: “Are you sure?”

Bus Driver: “Yea.”

PWG: “Okay. Thanks again for waiting for me. See you later!”

ACM [via telepathy]: “Congratulations, child! You have passed the test. While you did cross the flirting line, you were able to bring yourself back to balance.”

PWG: “Thank you, Master.”

ACM: “Yes, job well done and everything. Now…GO WAX MY CAR!!”

PWG: “Why do students of Ancient Chinese Masters always have to wax their Master's cars? What lesson do we learn doing this?”

ACM: “Dumb, girl! Only students of Ancient Japanese Masters learn lessons by waxing cars. Students of Ancient Chinese Masters are simply cheap labor. Now, get to waxing!!”

And so, the sun sets on the latest trials and tribulations for the poor, working girl. But, alas, there are more trials and tribulations of the poor, working girl. Thus, the sun will rise again on the trials and tribulations of the poor, working girl. Only to set again when she completes those trials. And, yet, the sun will again rise on new trials. And so on, and so forth. You get the point.

The End.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Rules to Live By: Riding the Train

If you know anything about me, you know that I have these rules about certain things. One rule that I live my life by is that you are not supposed to talk to anyone on the train. And, vice versa, no one should talk to me on the train.

I really believe in this rule because it protects me from the crazies. Also, I like to sleep on the train, so talking keeps me from sleeping. Also, talking to people I don’t know requires a lot of effort. And, me, being the lazy person that I am, don’t feel like striking up small talk with people I may, or may not see, ever again. Again, this is time I could be using to sleep.

So, imagine my utter horror that I now have a “talkie friend” on my train ride to work EVERY morning.

You have to understand the seriousness of the violation that Talkie Friend is committing. When I get on the train in the morning it’s still dark outside. I want to sleep. Badly! So, I don’t appreciate when some random chick decides that she’s now my “friend” and wants to talk to me at 5:45 in the morning!

Talkie Friend (TF): “Hi!”

Reese [sleeping with her eyes closed]: “…”

TF: “Ummm…hi!”

Reese [wakes up annoyed]: “Yeah…”

TF: “So, I can’t believe we had to switch trains like that. That’s crazy right?!?”

Reese [turns her head looking around the train]: “Are you talking to me?”

TF: “Uhh, yeah…”

Reese: “Oh. Yeah, sometimes you have to switch trains. You know…uh…that’s life.”

Reese goes back to sleep

TF: “So, do you ride the train everyday?”

Reese [sleeping with her eyes closed]: “…”


Reese [wakes up annoyed]: “Yeah…”

TF: “Wow! Well then I bet you can tell me a lot about getting around Miami! I’m gonna learn a lot from you.”

Reese [turns her head looking around the train]: “Are you talking to me?”

TF: “Uhh, yeah…”

Reese: “Oh, yeah, you know…learning is…uhh…good.”

TF: “It sure is! By the way, my name is Brit! I’m from NY and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”

At this point I realize that I am not going to escape Talkie Friend. No matter how many times I shut my eyes, or look out the window, or look at the time, or slap my forehead, or roll my eyes, I’m going to be talking to Talkie Friend for the whole ride into the city.

I really don’t appreciate this because I believe that it is a standard rule that people are not supposed to talk to each other on the train. I mean, this is something that is really a universal law (at least it is in my head). Also, this chick is from New York, so she should really know better. I mean, yeah okay, she’s not from the N.Y.C., she’s from upstate or whatever, but still. If you were born in NY, the rules to riding the train are like something you have ingrained in you since birth. You know like, “thou shalt not murder” or something.

Also, there’s another reason why I don’t like talking to Talkie Friend.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding elitist…

Well, actually this whole post is elitist, so never mind.

Okay, it’s not that she’s dirty or anything. But, I have this sneaking suspicion...

That she’s a prostitute…

Or a crackhead...

I haven’t really figured it out yet.

But, I know it’s gotta be one of those two. Okay, here’s why I think she’s “unsavory…”

Point 1: The only people who ride the train at 5:45am are construction workers, hospital residents, and overzealous attorneys. No one else! So, what’s a random chick with a pink little back-pack as a purse doing on the train this early? I asked her where she was going and she said to do some “volunteer work” or something.

“Volunteer work” indeed!

Point 2: The Miami “metro” has one line. It runs from the hood to the hood. In between there are three stops for people who value their lives, but still need to make a living so they can eat. I get off at one of those stops. As do the construction workers and hospital residents. But, Talkie Friend gets off at one of the hood stops.

And not just any hood stop- the worst hood stop!

The hood stop that I was told not to ever get off at. In fact, I was told to never even say the name of the stop lest something bad may happen to me. Everyone on the train pretends that it doesn’t exist. I call it, “The Stop that Shall not be Named.”

And this is the stop that Talkie Friend gets off at.

At 5:55 in the morning.

To do “volunteer work.”

Yeah, now you’re getting it.

So, anyways, I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this. I would try getting on other cars, but I have the sneaky suspicion she would just go looking for me.

I’m really upset about this. I’ve lost “morning sleep” everyday this week. Also, I think I need to see the Koodies doctor to make sure I didn’t catch syphilis from shaking Talkie Friend’s hand.


My life sucks!

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Let's Play a Game!

1.  3.  0.  0.

Can anyone guess the significance of those numbers?



Okay, here’s a hint…

April 17, 2006.  

Still haven’t figured it out yet?

Okay, here’s another hint…

April 17, 2006 @ 12:00am


Put your thinking caps on!

Okay, here’s another hint…


Really, people!  It should be obvious!

Okay, here’s your last hint…

As Reese pressed the “submit” button, her heart broke into thirteen hundred little pieces.  She tried to take it back, but the forms were already submitted.

It should be obvious by now.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Have a Great Weekend!!

I love you guys so much, that I got this cute little girl to sing away your work week!

The language is Malaysian (or so I'm told).

Have a great weekend! :D

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

An Open Letter to Janet Jackson

Dear Janet (sorry, I'm not nasty),

You have always been one of my favorite entertainers. I have been to 2 of your concerts. I have all of your CD's. I supported you vehemently during that whole "wardrobe malfunction." And, I will buy your new CD when it comes out later this year.

Janet, a lot of people (stupid people) have been obsessed about your weight recently. Since "Damita Jo" you've been chilling and seemed to pack on some weight. Some people wondered if you would be able to lose all the weight and get into what I like to call your "CD is now out Body." I, for one, never doubted you. That's why I wasn't necessarily surprised when I saw this latest picture which basically shows what you look liked before you started working out, in the middle of your workout regiment, and towards the end of your workout regiment...

What amazes me, Janet, is that you were able to do this so fast. I mean, the first picture was taken like, I don't know, last week! And already, you are fit and slim. And, despite people's silly rumors, no one can liposuction out that much fat. Nor can someone take out a rib and lose 75 pounds. So, really, I only have one thing to say about all of this...

Teach me, 'O Wise One!

Please, for the love of god, teach me how you do this!!!!!!!!

Tell me your secrets 'O masterful one. As one of your biggest fans, I know I deserve to know the answer!!!

What? Do you want me to beg? Fine, I'll beg...




Reese the Law Girl

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Something Different Group

And now, from the nation’s capital, The Something Different Group. With your host, DJ….


“Today, my peeps and I gonna hit at you about what to do with this thing called “immigration.” A lot of ya’ll real salty right now about some mess going on in Congress, but we about to straighten it out right now, thug style! No whatta I mean, son? But, first, let me call out the group, my [insert racial epithet]’s!”

“To represent "the right" is John O’Malley, Captain of the South Pinellas, Florida Cops! Wazzz up, O’dog!!”

O’Malley: “Ahem...I don’t speak Black. So, I will just say hello to the good, clean Americans who are watching tonight.”

“And, we all know who the good, clean Americans are…”

DJ: “Yeah, yeah we know, punk! Always gotta be givin’ shout outs to whitey! Man, you whack!!”

“Yeah, so anyway, representin’ "the left" is my homegirl, fo’ sho, Hurricane Rita.”

“As you all may or may not know, Rita was born in the Caribbean, but then immigrated to Cancun, Mexico. And then, she immigrated to the U.S. Gulf Coast. Wazz up, shorty?!?!”

Rita: “First of all, I want to send a shout out to Jamaica! Buck, buck! And then, I want to send a shout out to my sexy hombres in "Me-he-co"!!!! Hola, papis!!!!!!! And, then I wanna say howdy to my girls in Texas and Louisiana…”

DJ: “Yeah, yeah, we get it. You know a lot of [insert racial epithets]!”

“Next, to be the voice of reason, we done asked Karma to come up and kick the knowledge, ya’ heard!”

Karma: “How is it that DJ is hosting The Something Different Group? I’m SD’s official anchor. I should be hosting The SD Group!!! This is unfair! You know I’m seriously thinking about moving to CBS!!!”

DJ: “Yo, on the real ya’ll, I did NOT invite Karma here. She always be complain’ about junk…”

Karma: “You know DJ, it is possible to get re-infected with syphilis…”

DJ: “And Karma has the right to complain! She is SD’s official anchor. We should all listen to any and everything Karma has to say.”

“Ahem…okay moving on…to represent THE American Worker, is the hardest working girl in the hero business, my future baby’s mama, Poor Working Girl.”

PWG: “I hate you all.”

DJ: “Okay, first, let’s hear the opening arguments. O’dog, what you gotta say about immigration, son?”

O’Malley: [silent]


O’Malley: “Oh, I’m sorry. My name is not O’dog, so I naturally assumed you were talking to one of your criminal associates.”

“Alright, well, here’s how I feel about immigration…”

“IMMIGRATION IS UN-AMERICAN!!!! Only American people should be allowed to immigrate to America. We all know who those people are. There’s too many un-American people here in the U.S. Our country can’t afford to continue to harbor the mass influx of un-American people. Texas alone is going to go bankrupt handling all of the un-Americans. So I say, get rid of ‘em! I’ll arrest all of the un-Americans myself if I have to!! And, then I say, put up a big ole wall as high as the sky to make sure no more un-Americans can get in the country.”

“And that’s my take on un-Americans!”

DJ: “Yo, man! You messed up in the head! Fo' shizzle!”

“Alright, for the opposing argument we go to Rita. Rita, what you got to say?”

Rita [to O’Malley]: “Okay, but, how are going to say I’m un-American. What because I’m not a citizen that means I’m not a U.S. American?”

“Well, okay, technically, that’s true, but there are so many opportunities for me to do my work here in the U.S. That’s why I came here, for a better future. Do you know how hard it is to find land to hit sitting in the Caribbean? But, in America, there’s lot’s of land for a hurricane to destroy! PLUS, don’t forget that immigrants like me take jobs that Americans don’t want. I know in my case, there aren’t many Americans who want to be hurricanes. So, the U.S. really needs me to do the work it doesn’t want to do.”

“And that’s my take on immigration!”

DJ: “Yeah…I ain’t gonna lie, folks. Having a hurricane represent the left was pretty stupid. Karma, how about you be the voice of reason here, girl?”

Karma: “What? Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy planning an exciting life for Captain O’Malley. Uh, what was the question again?”

DJ: “Dang, Karma! I said, “how about you be the voice of reason” and enlighten us on this situation?”

Karma: “Oh, sorry, I don’t get involved in politics.”

DJ: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “The puny discussions of you humans is of no concern to me.”


Karma: “I just wanted to see how awful this show was going to be.”


Karma: “Did you just call me triffiling?”

O’Malley: “Surely someone as wise and omnipotent as Karma would agree with “the right” on this issue.”

Karma: “Don’t try to get in the good book now, O’Malley…”

Rita: “No, surely someone as beautiful and glamorous as Karma would agree with “the left” on this issue.”

Karma: “It’s true, I am beautiful.”



PWG: “Doesn’t anyone want to know what I think?”


PWG: “I am Poor Working Girl, after all. Don’t I have a say in this?”

Karma [pointing her finger at DJ]: “DON’T THINK I FORGOT THAT YOU CALLED ME TRIFFILING, DJ!!!!”

PWG [sighing]: “Could someone listen to me for a change…”


Karma [taking off her earrings]: “OH, IT’S ON NOW!!!”

PWG [rolling her eyes]: “Is anyone listening to me?”

O’Malley [yelling at the camera]: “UN-AMERICANS GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY!!!!”

RITA [chanting loudly]: “HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!!!! HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!!!”

PWG [screaming]: “EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


PWG: “Your fighting is getting on my last nerve!! As a hero, I know all about fighting. And I know enough to know when there isn’t any point to fighting in the first place! This whole immigration debate is stupid!”

DJ [doing his best Gary Coleman impression]: “Whatcha talkin’ about PWG?”

PWG: “What I’m talking about is that both sides are right!”

O’Malley & Rita: “Huh?!?!”

PWG: “I can’t believe I’m just wasting my time on this show. I should be taking down the Dragon, but ohhhh noooo I’m here explaining simplicity to idiots!!!”

Karma: “So, what’s your take PWG?”

PWG: “You can’t call immigration un-American when everyone in the U.S., with the exception of Native Americans, are IMMIGRANTS!!!!”

“It doesn’t matter what race, ethnicity, religion, whatever you are. All that matters is that you have roots in the U.S.! And that you contribute to the nation! That’s what makes you a real American!”

Rita: “RIGHT ON, PWG!!!”

PWG: “But, limitless immigration is not acceptable! Yeah, SOME immigrants come to the U.S. to take jobs that Americans don’t want, but that’s only true for skilled American workers. You can’t deny that unskilled Americans lose out to immigrants who are willing to take the same jobs at lower pay.”

O’Malley: “That’s what I’m saying! Protect Americans already here!!”

PWG: “Yeah, but the U.S. has to start protecting ALL Americans. Not just the chosen few. And, the country shouldn’t be using immigration to sponsor corporate welfare. And, I know a thing or two about evil coporations…”

DJ: “Interesting. So, what’s the solution then, shorty?”

PWG: “The solution? Hell if I know! How about this: build a big old fence…”

O’Malley: “YEEE-HAW!”

PWG: “…and let ALL immigrants who are already in the U.S. have the option of going back to their home country or becoming citizens.” *

Rita: “Hmmm…that could work!”

PWG: “There! Problem solved. And it only took me 10 seconds.”

Karma: “I like it, PWG, but what about syphilis? What role does syphilis have to play in this?”

PWG: “Karma, I like you. You have the requisite toughness I admire in heroes. However, I don’t think that syphilis has any role in controlling immigration.”

Karma: “Immigration?!?! Oh, no, I meant for DJ! What role does syphilis have in dealing with DJ?”

PWG: “Oh! Girl, please, knock yourself out. I don’t care.”

Karma: “Thanx, I’ll do that!”


PWG: “What did you just call me?”

DJ: “Alright, tune in next time when we be talkin’ about some other whack @$$ stuff!”

PWG: “Oh, hell no! Karma, when are you going to take him out?!?!”

Karma [going after DJ]: “I’m on it!!!”

DJ [running away]: “WE OUT BITCHES!!!!!”

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

* For real though, that guest worker program is stupid. As “Lisa” pointed out to me the other day, how smart is it to have a large population of unskilled, NON-VOTING, workers whose status of lower class has been legally sanctioned by the federal government. Can anyone say “indentured servitude?”

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Something Different World News Today

And now, from the world headquarters of Something Different in Miami, Florida, your ace reporter, Karma…

Karma: “Good morning, everyone. In top news today, China’s economy makes a dramatic change, the U.S. debates important immigration policies, and the Earth is still dying.”

“But, none of that is as important as the University of Maryland Women’s Basketball Team winning the NCAA National Championship. For the story let’s go to our reporter, Reese the Law Girl, who took the first bandwagon…I mean, flight out to Boston to cover the national championship game.”



Karma: “Hahaha. Reese what’s it like…”


Karma: “Okay, Reese…”

Reese: “DUCK FUKE!!! DUCK FUKE!!!!”


Reese: “Ahem…okay, sorry. I’m just a little excited.”

Karma: “Alright, Reese. So, it looks like it’s a little crazy out there.”

Reese: “Yes it is Karma. I’m here with the Lady Terps who just destroyed the Duke Blue Devils in the national championship game.”


Lady Terps: “WHAT!!!!!!”

Karma [sighing]: “Oh, geesh. Hey, Reese, how about you tell us about the game?”

Reese: “Oh, yeah. Okay it was awesome! It was like, you know, way cool basketball and some stuff!!”

Karma: “Yeah, okay, but what happened?”

Reese: “Well, I was running late so I missed most of the first half. Which is cool, because nothing good was happening in the first half anyways. So, during halftime I went and I got a chili-dog ‘cause I was hungry. And then, I sat around and listened to some music on my Zen Touch…”

Karma: “Report about the game, you idiot!”

Reese: “Oh, right, right. Okay, well at halftime the most excellent Brenda Frese told her team to step it up. They were down only by 10 even though they had played worse than that. Brenda was like, “Listen up ladies! Those Duke bitches are out there celebrating. Those bitches think they got us beat…”

Karma: “Reese…”

Reese: “Those bitches don’t know who they’re messing with! We’re Maryland, bitches! We knock bitches out!!”

Karma: “Reese? Brenda Frese did not call the Duke players “bitches,” did she?”

Reese: “Well, no…”

Karma: “And she didn’t say anything about “knocking bitches out,” did she?”

Reese: “Naw, but I’m jazzing it up man! I’m jazzing it up!”

Karma: “Reese, just report the story.”

Reese: “Okay, so anyways, the second half started. And then Maryland was down by like 13. And, it didn’t look good. But, then Maryland was like, “Oh, hell naw! I’m not losing to some Duke bitches!”

Karma [rolling her eyes]: “Oh, god.”

Reese: “So then Crystal Langhorne and Marissa Coleman made some key plays that knocked Duke’s lead down to single digits. And I was screaming like, “SINGLE DIGITS BITCHES!!!”

Karma [sarcastically]: “Right.”

Reese: “And, then all of a sudden Maryland is down by three. And, there’s like -3 seconds left in the game…”

Karma: “Negative three seconds?”

Reese: “Yeah, -3 seconds. And, then, all of a sudden, Kristi Toliver went back into time…”

Karma: “What?”

Reese: “…and shot a 3 pointer and the game went to overtime!! I mean, she actually went back into time!!!”

Karma: “This doesn’t even make any sense.”

Reese: “Okay, so now it’s overtime. But, overtime is the Terps time!! Because Maryland had played 5 overtimes this season before this national title game. And they won ALL of the overtimes. So Brenda Frese didn’t even say anything in the huddle. Shay Doron just told her teammates, “Overtime is our time, bitches. We got this thing on lock!!!”

Karma: “Ladies and gentleman, I apologize for these obvious embellishments on a story that really doesn’t need any embellishments…”

Reese: “So, in overtime the Terps just took it. They took it, Karma! They took it!!!”

Karma: “So, that’s it. The game went into overtime and the Terps just magically won?”

Reese: “Yeah, man! These girls have special powers or something. They touch the ball and it floats into the basket!”

Karma: “Right…”

Reese: “I just want to say that I was wrong about women’s basketball. It’s soooo not boring! I’m sooo going to watch the Terp’s games from now on. WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Karma: “Alright, well…”

Reese: “DUCK FUKE, BITCHES!!!!!!”

Karma: “Thank you, Reese…”


Karma: “…for that otherwise retarded report from Boston.”

“Now, this just in folks, it appears that the University of Maryland students are rioting in College Park, Maryland. For a report we now go to Poor Working Girl.”

“PWG, what is going on out there?”

PWG: “First of all, I just want to thank Something Different for letting me out of the closet that I’ve been locked away in since, I don’t know, last November or something.”

Karma: “Your series will continue on SD soon, PWG. Now, just report on the story.”

PWG: “Fine. Okay, well, it looks like the Maryland tradition of students rioting on Route 1 after a great basketball win, doesn’t happen just when the men win. It also happens when the women win. All around me there are fires, and broken bottles, and the police are out in riot gear.”

“Over here are a group of students who are trying to tip over a bus. Let’s go talk to them.”

“Hey, stupids! Why are you trying to tip over this bus?”

Student #1: “We want to show our support for the ladies who just won the national championship. We don’t discriminate when it comes to rioting. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! GO MARYLAND!!!!”


PWG: “Well, there you have it, Karma. Our future leaders. Tipping a bus. For the Lady Terps.”

Karma: “Thanx, PWG…”

PWG: “May God have mercy on our souls.”

Karma: “After the break, we’ll continue SD News with our special investigative report. Just how many women does Joakim Noah lose to his father, Yannick Noah? SD News is on the story and will answer the question after this word from our sponsors.”

“Good, we’re at commercial. Okay, I’m never working with Reese again. Either she goes or I go!”

Cameraman: “Uhhh, Karma. You’re still on the air.”

Karma: “Oh…that’s just…that’s just great. Will you cut, please? CUT!!!!”

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Office Bracket

[Egypt enters Reese’s office…]

Egypt [whining]: “Reeeessseeee…I need hellllppppp…”

Reese: “What? What is it?”

Egypt: “Ugh! Are you doing this office pool thing?”

Reese: “The bracket challenge? Yeah, of course I’m doing it. And, I’m going to win this year.”

Egypt: “Yeah, well everyone is doing it. So, I figured I would do it too. But, I don’t understand it.”

Reese: “What don’t you understand?”

Egypt: “All of it! What are these lines for? I doonnnn’tttt understaannnndddd!!!”

Reese: “Oh my gawd! Fine, I’ll help you!”

Egypt: “Thanx, Reese!”

Reese: “Okay, basically each pair of lines represents a match…”

[20 minutes later…]

Egypt: “Ohhhhhh!!!! I get it now!!”

Reese: “Really, it’s not that hard you know?”

Egypt: “Okay, let’s fill out our brackets together- alright?”

Reese: “Fine.”

[5 minutes later…]

Egypt: “Hmmm? Who are you picking for #3 Iowa vs. #14 Northwestern State?”

Reese: “Iowa.”

Egypt: “I think I’m going to pick Northwestern. That’s a good school.”

Reese: “That’s not Northwestern. It’s Northwestern State.”

Egypt: “Hmmm? Oh, well. I like Northwestern, so I’m going to pick Northwestern State to win.”

Reese [rolling her eyes]: “Whatever. It’s your 5 bucks.”

[10 minutes later…]

Egypt: “Reese, what does “LSU” stand for?”

Reese: “Are you serious?”

Egypt: “What? I don’t know. What does “LSU” stand for?”

Reese: “Louisiana State University.”

Egypt: “Ohhhh!!! Hmmm? I’m going to pick them to go to the finale four…”

Reese: “The Final Four.”

Egypt: “Whatever.”

Reese: “Oh my god…”

Egypt: “Who are you going to pick to go to the final four in that cluster?”

Reese: “You mean “region?”

Egypt: “Whatever.”

Reese: “Texas.”

Egypt: “Well, I’m picking LSU. L-S-U. I just like saying that. It sounds so classy. L-S-U. L-S-U…”

Reese: “Okay, I get it.”

Egypt: “L-S-U.”

[5 minutes later…]

Egypt: “So that’s it? Once we’re done we just turn our brackets in?”

Reese: “Yup.”

Egypt: “Who is your…ummm, what do you call it? Final Four. Yeah, Final Four.”

Reese: “Texas, UCLA, UConn, and Boston College.”

Egypt: “Oh…hehehehehe…”

Reese: “What?”

Egypt: “I picked better names than you.”

Reese: “What?”

Egypt: “I picked the classy named schools. L-S-U. U-C-L-A. U-N-C. And, U-F-L.”

Reese [rolling her eyes]: “Whatever.”

Egypt: “Well, may the best woman win.”

Reese [laughing sarcastically]: “Yeah. Good luck.”

[3 Weeks Later…]

Winner of the Office Bracket Challenge: Egypt

6th Place: Reese

Lesson Learned: Always pick the classy named teams.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, April 03, 2006

In Honor of Florida's Joakim Noah...

His father, Yannick Noah...


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Something Different Sports Update

Good news everyone! George Mason’s reign of terror is finally over. Thank goodness! It’s about time.

In other news, this was the most boring Final Four in the history of all Final Four’s. I actually decided to play Kingdom Hearts II instead of watching the game.

In other, other news I officially did not win any of the bracket challenges I participated in. After being tied for second in my office pool, I finished in 6th place. Outside of the money pot. I know- sucks to be me.

Well, now that the championship game is Florida vs. UCLA, I have to pick a team to root for. Right now I’m leaning towards Florida because I live in Florida and also because UCLA’s win tonight cost me 5% of the money pot.

Dez, if you can provide a good argument that trumps the money/residency one, I’ll root for UCLA. But, it’s got to be a good one.

Anyways, I’m out. I’m old and 11:00pm is WAY past my bedtime. Hopefully, I’ll be able to post something semi-decent tomorrow.

Peace and Chicken Grease! ;p~~~