Monday, April 24, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 2

Here's the next chapter.

Originally posted on July 20, 2005.

Hey, J, I'm still pondering your question. So far, I really like Cracka Vapors. ;)

A new PWG tomorrow!!!!



In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Master, I have achieved a great many things since I began my training. I am now ready to take on the Dragon.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Foolish girl!! How can you take on the Dragon when you can’t even enter the lair?”

PWG: “But, Master it is easy. I will just walk in.”

ACM: “Walk in?!? Hahahaha. Seriously?”

PWG: “Yea.”

ACM: “Good luck with that.”

Now that the PWG arrives on time to the Dragon’s lair, she must find a way to enter it. PWG believes this is the simplest of tasks; however, she is wrong. For she has not yet met the Dragon’s Level 1 Boss- The Overzealous Security Guard.


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


OSG: “Well, what do we have here? A knife is it?”

PWG: “What? The Dragon allows 1 hour of re-energizing a day. I need this knife to partake in my nourishment. I mean, how else am I going to eat this orange?”

OSG: “Yes, 1 hour of re-energizing is allowed; but, not illegal paraphernalia. This knife has a sharp edge. You can only bring in knives that don’t have sharp edges. Come back when you don’t have any weapons.”

“Next in line!”

PWG: “Oh, man!”


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


PWG: “What?”

OSG: “Did you bring another knife in here?”

PWG: “Yes…”

OSG: “I told you- no weapons!!”

PWG: “It’s a butter knife!!!”

OSG: “Do you know what a person can do with a butter knife?!? They could hit someone with it. Or throw it at someone.”

PWG: “But, you said…”

OSG: “Don’t tell me what I said! I know the rules! And no metal knives are allowed!!”

PWG: “No metal knives?”

OSG: “No metal knives. Come back when you get it right.”

“Next in line!!”


Overzealous Security Guard (OSG): “Please place your items on the conveyer belt.”


PWG: “Oh, for Pete’s sake!”

OSG: “Are you a terrorist?”

PWG: “NO! I am not a terrorist!!”

OSG: “Then why do you keep bringing in illegal paraphernalia?”

PWG: “It’s a freakin’ plastic knife!! What in the hell am I going to do with a plastic knife?!?”

OSG: “Only someone as sinister as you would know…”

PWG [mocking OSG]: “Look! You said, ‘no metal knives, uh duh!’ So, I brought in a plastic one.”

OSG: “And it has a jagged edge!”

PWG: “Yes, a PLASTIC jagged edge!!”

OSG: “Plus, it’s more than 2 inches long. And, that's what’s really dangerous. Come back next time when you have a shorter knife with no edge.”

“Next in line!”


OSG: “Place your items…Oh, it’s you- the terrorist. All right, let’s see what you brought this time.”


PWG: “Oh, this is just…yea, I know, ‘illegal paraphernalia.’”

OSG: “Didn’t I tell you ‘no metal knives?’”

PWG: “This knife is made out of aluminum foil. It is 1 ¾ inches long and has no edge!!”

OSG: “It’s still metal.”

PWG: “You know what?!?! I’m going to kill you for real, with my fake @%$ knife!!”

OSG [speaking into his walkie talkie]: “BACK UP!! I NEED BACK UP!!!”

As subordinate overzealous security guards escort PWG off of the Dragon Lair’s premises, she has a few choice words for the OSG…

PWG: “[insert a few choice words]!!!”

OSG: “Yea, whatever. That bad mouth of yours isn’t going to get you in here any quicker. Just remember, you have one more shot to try to get in here before you're banned forever!!”

Later that night, while PWG is training with her Ancient Chinese Master…

PWG: “Master, I am sorry. I have failed to gain entrance into the Dragon’s lair. I am, a failure.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “A failure? No my child. You are just an idiot is all.”

PWG: “Gee, thanx. You know, I’d rather be a failure than an idiot.”

ACM: “Fine. You are a failure and an idiot.”


ACM: “Stupid girl! You can pass this test. You must think outside of the box.”

PWG: “But, I have! I’ve tried everything. Real knives, plastic knives, fake knives...”

ACM: “Oh, good grief…”

PWG: “…knives with an edge, knives with no edge…”

ACM: “Stop…”

PWG: “…short knives, tall knives…”

ACM: “Please stop…”

PWG: “…and if I don’t get it right then I lose another life and I don’t have any lives left! I’ve used four of my five already.”


PWG: “Yea?”

ACM: “You can’t bring in a knife, right?”

PWG: “Yea…”

ACM: “So, bring something else that’s sharp, that doesn’t look like a knife.”

PWG: “Oh, yea!”

ACM: “Duh!”


Armed with her new strategy, PWG approaches the Dragon’s lair, nervous and hopeful…

PWG: “I hope this works…”

OSG: “Well, well!! Look who we have here? The one who would do away with us all.”


OSG: “Sure, you’re not. You’re just a terrorist sympathizer.”


OSG: “Yea, yea, whatever. Alright, place your items on the conveyer belt.”


OSG: “Ah-ha! I knew you couldn’t resist!”

PWG: “What are you talking about? I didn’t bring any knives in here.”

OSG: “Well, you’ve got something. Let’s see…Ah-ha! It’s…it’s…”

PWG: “Not a knife.”

OSG: “No…it’s…a cork screw?”

PWG: “Right. A spiral piece of metal with a sharp tip; but, it’s not a knife…”

OSG [shaking]: “Stop…”

PWG: “A spiral piece of metal with a sharp tip; but, it’s not a knife.”

OSG [convulsing]: “No…no more…”


OSG [disintegrating]: “NOOO!!!!”

And, with the chanting of this spell, the OSG literally disappears into thin air. Thus, the path into the Dragon's lair is now clear…

PWG [via telepathy]: “Master, I’ve done it! I’ve defeated the level 1 Boss. I’m in!!”

ACM: “Yes, good my child. Good. Now, when you’re finished, don’t forget- my bonsai tree needs cutting!”

PWG: “Geez! Why am I always doing your chores?!? What is this supposed to teach me?? Patience??”

ACM: “No, it’s to get you to cut my bonsai tree. It’s overgrown and needs pruning.”

PWG: “Fine.”

ACM: “And don’t use any knives. They’re too traumatizing on the bonsai tree.”

PWG: “What?!?!”

ACM: “Practice with the cork screw instead.”

PWG: “God, I hate you.”

And thus, the swan’s song has been sung on the poor, working girl’s latest trials and tribulations. But, will the song be sung again on new trials and tribulations?


Yes it will.


© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You have never worked at a bar and seen someone punched with a corkscrew have you?
I'd let you in with the plastic knife before the corkscrew.
What about a spork?

9:24 AM  
Blogger CubanDiva said...

Oh man Reese! You need to get a job! LMAO!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J: It wasn't PWG's call to make. The Overzealous Security Gaurd is the one who let her in with a corkscrew and not a knife. You'd have to ask him why. For the life of me, I can't figure it out.

Cubandiva: PWG would like you to know that she had a job. With an exception to a few minor details (for my own enjoyment), all that junk really happened. Even I couldn't make that stuff up. Well, actually, I could, but I don't feel like trying. ;)

11:01 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

Level one boss. Too funny.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I havent read yet, but just got to say, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new pic. You look so cute!!

1:37 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Oh, Dez, I changed my picture. I didn't like it. I thought it looked like I have a big head. Which I do, but I don't like for people to look at it straight on like that. ;)

1:56 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

reese, what would i do if i couldnt read your blog???

nice pic, though i prefer the one of YOU. =P

you've been tagged, go to my blog for more! lol

3:09 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

I just don't get OSG. I mean a corkscrew. That seems worse them the full on knife. The logic of some people. I hope are airport security people are a little better then that.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Caro: If it wasn't for me, you would loose your sanity much slower. I tend to speed up the process to madness. ;)

I got sick of looking at my big mouth, and the new pic that Dez was talking about...Well, I have it on good authority that it made my head look big. So, I switched to Halle. I think it's appropriate. ;)

Hey, go to your blog. I did this meme already. And, when I did it, I tagged you! Weird. ;)

4:00 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...


I think you look beautiful in the other pic

4:52 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Awww, Dez is so nice. :) My big head thanx you Dez. :)

I might put it back up. I just have to get over the fact that I have a big head. Which is hard to do, considering that it's such a large obstacle to get over. ;)

5:22 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Reese, first of all, YOURE crazy. I have a pretty big head myself, I swear, I need a XL for my head.

second of all, todays story was funny. I was laughing like an idiot of course, all by myself in front of the screen. I love when you post girl.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

put other pic back!

i liked it!

it's perrty.

i'm going to change my pic, though i'm not quite sure in which direction i'll go. hehe.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i dunno about this one.....

it'll get changed quickly.

this is my revlon shot. lol

6:17 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

how aaabooooout.....

me cracking up during my revlon shoot?


i just girue i'll chronicle each change inn my profile photo in comments on your blog. haha

6:45 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Dez, your head cannot possibly be as big as mine. I can't fit hats on my head. My head comprises 1/3 of my body, I swear! ;)

Caro: Ooo, I like your profile pix. I especially like the 1st one. Very America's Next Top Model. :)

6:51 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

the 1st it is!

america's next top model here i come!

11:09 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Fat guys named "Tiny".
Bald guys named "Curly" Reese has Halle (The Anti-Reese) as her Avatar.
The circle is complete.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Karla said... stomach hurts for how hard is was laughing.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Strike a pose, Caro. ;)

J: Halle shall now be known as the Anti-Reese. I like that. ;)

Karla: PWG found this story especially amusing when it happened to her. ;)

11:07 AM  
Blogger Lez said...

your head is not big. you are insane. that is all.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Leslye, I do too have a big head. You don't know the pain of having a big head. Mainly, I can't wear hats. Or have a cute short hair cut because my head is so ginormous! ;p

2:25 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

My head is too small. I can't wear hats because they slip over my ears, and I can't wera short haircuts because it emphasizes my pin-headedness! So, I guess you can't win!

This post was HILARIOUS!

Can't wait for the next xhapter!

11:00 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

R: Those medium-headed girls suck! They can wear everything! I say we take them down! ;)

12:13 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Haha - can't wait for the next installment - someone needs to sign you quick - i've never met someone with such imagination!!

12:29 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

Security guard shouldn't be so serious unless you have a gun you have to lighten up.

I feel your head size issue...not that mine is big, but when I had hair I couldn't fit any hats...not that I'm sans-locs I'm going crazy buying hats.

12:32 PM  

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