Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 1

Hooray!


Poor Working Girl is back!!


Yes, I finally got off my lazy booty and started writing this again.


For all those who don't know the origins of Poor Working Girl, I'm reposting the first two chapters. Then, I'll post the third chapter- which is already written!


Well, sort of...


Anyways, don't worry about that. Just enjoy PWG doing her heroine thing.


Before you do start reading, I feel the need to explain this story.


I started writing about PWG when I was in a real bad place. I mean physically- I was working in this office that was a really bad place. This is what inspired PWG. So, just so you know, I'm not crazy. I don't have little characters running around in my head. Well, I mean, I do, but...


Okay, writing this was just a fun way for me to get away from it all without going off on people.



You understand, right?



I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!



Okay...well, uhhh...enjoy!



Originally posted on May 24, 2005.


-----------------------------



In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…


The poor, working girl’s journey does not begin easy. Her first trial is a test to be sure. It is called “the commute”- and it sucks.

The poor, working girl (PWG) starts her commute off getting to her bus stop extra early. Why does she do this? So she can claim a good seat. And, why is a good seat important? Because the perfect seat will guarantee PWG excellent comfort, and most importantly, the assurance that no other pathetic, slob commuters will sit next to her.


Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “PWG, are you ready for your first test?”

PWG: “Yes, Master.”

ACM: “For which seat on the journey provides comfort and solitude?”

PWG: “This is a trick question, Master. On the journey, there are no seats that provide both comfort and solitude.”

ACM: “But, this is not true. There is one. Find the one…”

PWG: “But…”

ACM: “…the one…”


So, where is “the one” seat? Lucky for the PWG, she is fairly bright, and each day, she is the only commuter to find “the one” seat.

The one seat is in the back of the bus. But, it is not the last seat- oh, no. It is, to be specific, the fourth to the last seat. Thus, there are more than enough seats in the front and just enough seats behind PWG for all of the other commuters. Combine this seat, with PWG’s ancient Chinese stare which effectively conveys the message, “Don’t sit next to me!!” and PWG is guaranteed that she always gets the most comfortable seat all to herself. Thus, PWG, has easily passed her first test. Yet, there are more tests to follow.

Now that PWG has found “the one” seat, she needs her rest. Yet, the other commuters wish to talk and disturb PWG’s sleep. How does PWG pass this newest trial?


ACM: “You have achieved solitude, but how will you reach silence on this journey?”

PWG: “It is impossible Master. The others, they block my quest.”

ACM: “Ah, but it is not impossible. For the thorn in your side is the key to your silence…”

PWG: “What? That doesn’t make any sense!”

ACM: “…the thorn in your side…”


It takes the PWG a while, but she is able to figure out this test as well. First, she buys some earplugs knowing full well that her earplugs will not drown out the consistent group of talkers who have sat in her area. However, the earplugs are quite useful in protecting PWG’s hearing as she cleverly employs the “thorn in her side” to push away her annoying neighbors. For, the “thorn in her side” is the worst, most crude noise any person could witness to hear.

PWG gathers a collection of the most foul, disgusting, explicit music she can find. She plays said music on her CD player. And then, with earplugs securely placed into her ears, she puts on her headphones and cranks the volume of the CD player up to full blast!


Random Commuter #1: “Oh, my kid did the cutest thing…”

PWG’s CD Player: “GET ON UP AND SHAKE THAT THING!! GET ON UP AND SHAKE THAT THING!! POP THAT COOCHIE GIRL!! POP THAT COOCHIE GIRL!!”

Random Commuter #1: “What, the...??”

PWG’s CD Player: “I WANNA GET ALL INSIDE YOU GIRL!! LET ME GET ALL INSIDE YOU GIRL!! YOU GOT BIG TI…”

Random Commuter #1: “Oh, my god!!”

Random Commuter #2: “That’s horrible!!”

Random Commuter #1 [tapping PWG’s shoulder]: “Excuse me!! EXCUSE ME!!”

PWG [turning music down]: “Is there something wrong?”

Random Commuter #2: “Your music is disgusting! Can you turn it off?”

PWG: “That’s an interesting proposition; but, the answer is no.”

Random Commuter #1: “Why?”

PWG [putting on her headphones and turning her CD player back on]: “Because, I find your discussions about your children equally disgusting; and, I don’t want to listen to them.”

PWG’s CD Player: “I LIKE THEM YOUNG, YOUNG, YOUNG, YOUNG!!! YOUNG, YOUNG, YOUNG, YOUNG!!”

Random Commuter #2: “Excuse me!!”

PWG: “Yes?”

Random Commuter #2: “Look, if we stop talking, will you turn your music off?”

PWG: “Now, that’s a proposition that I can accept.”


And, just like that, PWG has successfully ridden through her second challenge. Now, she has garnered comfort, solitude, and silence. Yet, there is still one last test on PWG’s commute. It is, literally, the final step.


ACM: “Stupid girl! Why have you not passed your final test?”

PWG: “It is too difficult Master. Everyday, my commuter bus gets me to the Dragon's lair shuttle bus just one minute too late. As a result, I always miss the shuttle bus I need to get to the Dragon’s lair on time.”

ACM: “Foolish girl! Must I tell you everything? The key to entering the Dragon’s lair on time lies within you.”

PWG: “What do you mean Master? I am to use my intellect, creativity, or athletic skills?”

ACM: “What? You know you have no athletic skills. And you certainly aren't that bright. No, you are to use those 2 big guns on your chest that God gave you!!”

PWG: “Master! I can’t believe you would suggest…”

ACM: “I see I am going to have to spell this out for you. When you get on the shuttle bus, flirt with the bus driver. He will grow to like you and end up waiting for you long enough for you to disembark the commuter bus and catch the shuttle bus. Thus, you will enter the Dragon’s lair on time.”

PWG: “But, Master, I cannot flirt! Whenever I try, the funny comes out instead and everything goes to hell.”

ACM: “You must suppress the funny. It is the only way. This is not an easy task. It is a fine line you must walk. But, it is the only way.”

PWG: “But, Master…”

ACM: “…the only way…”


PWG trusts her Master. Thus, she employs the Master’s technique the best that she can. She says “hello” and “thank you” to the bus driver. When he asks her, her name she tells him. And, when the bus driver asks what she’s reading, PWG discusses with him her favorite chick lit authors. And, to PWG’s surprised, this technique works. PWG is able to arrive on time to the Dragon’s lair as the shuttle bus driver waits 1 minute later than he should in order to ensure that PWG catches the shuttle bus. All is well, until…


PWG: “Thanx, see you later…”

Bus Driver: “Ummm…hold on a second. I wanted to ask you something…”

Inside PWG’s Head: “Oh, god! No, no, no!!”

Bus Driver: “I find you really brave to be trying to take on the Dragon and everything. I’d like to know more about you. Is there anyway we can meet up OUTSIDE OF THE DRAGON’S LAIR?”

Inside PWG’s Head: “Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!!! Shoot, what do I do?”

What PWG Really Said: “Sure...”

Bus Driver: “Really?”

PWG: “Sure! We can discuss my plan to take down the Dragon outside of the lair…”

Bus Driver: “GREAT!”

PWG: “G…r…e…a…t…”


And, just like that, PWG has failed this test. Somehow, unbeknownst to PWG, she crossed the line her Master had told her about. How will PWG pass the test now? Well, lucky for PWG, her virtue can stay in tact even when she employs an elaborate web of lies…


PWG: “Hey, Bus Driver. You know, I was thinking of just giving you some information about taking down the Dragon. I don’t think I’m going to have time to meet. I don’t live in this area, so I could only meet during lunch.”

Bus Driver: “Oh, but, I can’t meet during lunch. I have to drive the shuttle bus.”

PWG: “Oh, no!”

Bus Driver: “Well, what about the weekend?”

PWG: “Hmmm? I may be able to finangle something. Only thing is my boyfriend will have my car…”

Bus Driver: “You have a boyfriend?”

PWG: “Yea, we just started dating exclusively. He’s a dentist/actor/casino owner/comic book enthusiast.”

Bus Driver: “Wow. He sounds really impressive.”

PWG: “Oh, yes. He’s perfect. So, anyways, maybe my boyfriend…”

Bus Driver: “You know, I can probably learn about overthrowing the Dragon on the internet.”

PWG: “Are you sure?”

Bus Driver: “Yea.”

PWG: “Okay. Thanks again for waiting for me. See you later!”


ACM [via telepathy]: “Congratulations, child! You have passed the test. While you did cross the flirting line, you were able to bring yourself back to balance.”

PWG: “Thank you, Master.”

ACM: “Yes, job well done and everything. Now…GO WAX MY CAR!!”

PWG: “Why do students of Ancient Chinese Masters always have to wax their Master's cars? What lesson do we learn doing this?”

ACM: “Dumb, girl! Only students of Ancient Japanese Masters learn lessons by waxing cars. Students of Ancient Chinese Masters are simply cheap labor. Now, get to waxing!!”


And so, the sun sets on the latest trials and tribulations for the poor, working girl. But, alas, there are more trials and tribulations of the poor, working girl. Thus, the sun will rise again on the trials and tribulations of the poor, working girl. Only to set again when she completes those trials. And, yet, the sun will again rise on new trials. And so on, and so forth. You get the point.


The End.




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

15 Comments:

Blogger Karla said...

LOL....Reese girl you are hilarious.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

This one is the funniest since lisa and mikes relationship!!LMFAO!! I loved it.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Jomama said...

That was great, but brought back horrible memories of catching the bus to work and school. You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell about riding the bus. If only I could remember them. . .

5:26 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Awww, gee, thanx guys! :)

I've already written 3 more of these. I'm not exactly sure where it's going, but it should be interesting. :)

7:26 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Really, you should be a comdey show writer... you're too funny!

9:33 AM  
Blogger ix said...

i hate that ancient chinese stare. but i do applaud your efforts in the manipulation of the male psyche.

funny stuff!

9:58 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Joanne: You guys keep saying that, and I'm going to get ideas. Horrible ideas that will ruin your television season. ;)

IX: The ancient Chinese stare is really a selfish move. I admit it. ;)

11:58 AM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

You have used the term trials and tribulations well. I forgive you for not letting me use it on my blog. GOOD JOB!!

12:41 PM  
Blogger Lez said...

Yes, post more PWG! more more more. how dare you even think of stopping!

9:22 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

I was going to comment that guns and funny are golden, but didn't realize how precarious the situation was.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Reese, you know how people say "Jungle Fever"?
(which I don't get by the way, the only people in the jungle are those freaky little midgets with the Moe haircuts who jab twigs in their faces. Who 's into THAT? [shudder])
Well, what do they (who ever THEY are) call it when it's the other way around?
Suburban flashes?
Cracka vapors?

Tell me Reese, this kind of stupid shit keeps me up at night.

Sorry I'm such a lame friend, Jerk.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

that is some good stuff!! hurry up and post more - see what you do to us!!

You SHOULD do something with these incredible talents - your writing is always entertaining.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Jessica: Thanx! I SHOULD do something, but I'm too lazy.

One day I'll do something...

Maybe... ;)

7:44 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You know, I was worried I'd offend instead of make laugh.
I suck. :(

8:34 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J, it wasn't offensive. It was actually kinda funny.

But, only kinda.

;)

J/K!!! :)

7:02 AM  

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