Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Something Different World News Today

And now, from the world headquarters of Something Different in Miami, Florida, your ace reporter, Karma…



Karma: “Good morning, everyone. In top news today, China’s economy makes a dramatic change, the U.S. debates important immigration policies, and the Earth is still dying.”

“But, none of that is as important as the University of Maryland Women’s Basketball Team winning the NCAA National Championship. For the story let’s go to our reporter, Reese the Law Girl, who took the first bandwagon…I mean, flight out to Boston to cover the national championship game.”


“Reese?”


Reese: “WHOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Karma: “Hahaha. Reese what’s it like…”

Reese: “WHOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Karma: “Okay, Reese…”

Reese: “DUCK FUKE!!! DUCK FUKE!!!!”

Karma: “REESE!!!!!! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!”

Reese: “Ahem…okay, sorry. I’m just a little excited.”

Karma: “Alright, Reese. So, it looks like it’s a little crazy out there.”

Reese: “Yes it is Karma. I’m here with the Lady Terps who just destroyed the Duke Blue Devils in the national championship game.”

“IF YOU’RE A NATIONAL CHAMPION SAY “WHAT?”


Lady Terps: “WHAT!!!!!!”

Karma [sighing]: “Oh, geesh. Hey, Reese, how about you tell us about the game?”

Reese: “Oh, yeah. Okay it was awesome! It was like, you know, way cool basketball and some stuff!!”

Karma: “Yeah, okay, but what happened?”

Reese: “Well, I was running late so I missed most of the first half. Which is cool, because nothing good was happening in the first half anyways. So, during halftime I went and I got a chili-dog ‘cause I was hungry. And then, I sat around and listened to some music on my Zen Touch…”

Karma: “Report about the game, you idiot!”

Reese: “Oh, right, right. Okay, well at halftime the most excellent Brenda Frese told her team to step it up. They were down only by 10 even though they had played worse than that. Brenda was like, “Listen up ladies! Those Duke bitches are out there celebrating. Those bitches think they got us beat…”

Karma: “Reese…”

Reese: “Those bitches don’t know who they’re messing with! We’re Maryland, bitches! We knock bitches out!!”

Karma: “Reese? Brenda Frese did not call the Duke players “bitches,” did she?”

Reese: “Well, no…”

Karma: “And she didn’t say anything about “knocking bitches out,” did she?”

Reese: “Naw, but I’m jazzing it up man! I’m jazzing it up!”

Karma: “Reese, just report the story.”

Reese: “Okay, so anyways, the second half started. And then Maryland was down by like 13. And, it didn’t look good. But, then Maryland was like, “Oh, hell naw! I’m not losing to some Duke bitches!”

Karma [rolling her eyes]: “Oh, god.”

Reese: “So then Crystal Langhorne and Marissa Coleman made some key plays that knocked Duke’s lead down to single digits. And I was screaming like, “SINGLE DIGITS BITCHES!!!”

Karma [sarcastically]: “Right.”

Reese: “And, then all of a sudden Maryland is down by three. And, there’s like -3 seconds left in the game…”

Karma: “Negative three seconds?”

Reese: “Yeah, -3 seconds. And, then, all of a sudden, Kristi Toliver went back into time…”

Karma: “What?”

Reese: “…and shot a 3 pointer and the game went to overtime!! I mean, she actually went back into time!!!”

Karma: “This doesn’t even make any sense.”

Reese: “Okay, so now it’s overtime. But, overtime is the Terps time!! Because Maryland had played 5 overtimes this season before this national title game. And they won ALL of the overtimes. So Brenda Frese didn’t even say anything in the huddle. Shay Doron just told her teammates, “Overtime is our time, bitches. We got this thing on lock!!!”

Karma: “Ladies and gentleman, I apologize for these obvious embellishments on a story that really doesn’t need any embellishments…”

Reese: “So, in overtime the Terps just took it. They took it, Karma! They took it!!!”

Karma: “So, that’s it. The game went into overtime and the Terps just magically won?”

Reese: “Yeah, man! These girls have special powers or something. They touch the ball and it floats into the basket!”

Karma: “Right…”

Reese: “I just want to say that I was wrong about women’s basketball. It’s soooo not boring! I’m sooo going to watch the Terp’s games from now on. WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Karma: “Alright, well…”

Reese: “DUCK FUKE, BITCHES!!!!!!”

Karma: “Thank you, Reese…”

Reese: “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Karma: “…for that otherwise retarded report from Boston.”


“Now, this just in folks, it appears that the University of Maryland students are rioting in College Park, Maryland. For a report we now go to Poor Working Girl.”


“PWG, what is going on out there?”


PWG: “First of all, I just want to thank Something Different for letting me out of the closet that I’ve been locked away in since, I don’t know, last November or something.”

Karma: “Your series will continue on SD soon, PWG. Now, just report on the story.”

PWG: “Fine. Okay, well, it looks like the Maryland tradition of students rioting on Route 1 after a great basketball win, doesn’t happen just when the men win. It also happens when the women win. All around me there are fires, and broken bottles, and the police are out in riot gear.”

“Over here are a group of students who are trying to tip over a bus. Let’s go talk to them.”


“Hey, stupids! Why are you trying to tip over this bus?”


Student #1: “We want to show our support for the ladies who just won the national championship. We don’t discriminate when it comes to rioting. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! GO MARYLAND!!!!”

Student #2: “GOOOOO MARYLAND!!!!!! WE TIP THIS BUS, IN HONOR OF THE LADY TERPS!!! F--- DUKE!!! I MEAN…DUCK FUKE!!!! YEAHHHHHH!!!!!”


PWG: “Well, there you have it, Karma. Our future leaders. Tipping a bus. For the Lady Terps.”

Karma: “Thanx, PWG…”

PWG: “May God have mercy on our souls.”

Karma: “After the break, we’ll continue SD News with our special investigative report. Just how many women does Joakim Noah lose to his father, Yannick Noah? SD News is on the story and will answer the question after this word from our sponsors.”


“Good, we’re at commercial. Okay, I’m never working with Reese again. Either she goes or I go!”


Cameraman: “Uhhh, Karma. You’re still on the air.”

Karma: “Oh…that’s just…that’s just great. Will you cut, please? CUT!!!!”







© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

9 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Hey, 'member when Maryland had a men's basketball team?

9:50 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

BOOOOO!!!!

BOOOO!!!!

Don't rain on our parade. BOOO!!! ;p~~~


PS: Maryland joins only UConn, Stanford, and UNC as the only schools to have a men's AND women's national championship. That's history, baby! ;)

10:00 AM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I guess the universe loves you, he taketh with one hand and giveth with the other.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I think PWG said it best when she said "May God have mercy on our souls".

But really, I just wanted to say:

Bitches!!

2:31 PM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

Wow that's really cool. How long did you play? If you want to check out a really cool sport go to www.pridefc.com.

2:44 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

YEAH!! It was awesome and you did hop on the bandwagon but we forgive you.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Ok. I'm just upset by all the profanity you used in this post my dear. Shame on you! You're little sister reads this! Shame on you!

Congrats ;)

5:29 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Amadeo: Next year, it'll be twice the fun for me, I guess. :)

Robyn: Isn't it fun to say "bitches?" I mean, repeatedly saying it. Envigorates the soul it does. ;)

MNM: Oh, I don't play basketball. I'm horrible at it! I just love to watch it and have mini-heart attacks for several months out of the year. ;)

"Lisa": Whatever! I'm a Terp for life. I always root for the Terps...even when I'm not watching. ;)

Dez: I do believe that "bitches" is in the bible.

Or maybe it's "ass" that's in the bible?

Whatever, all I know is, CC will have to just get over it. ;)

8:54 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

yay! i'll celebrate for the sake of celebrating!! hurrahh!!!

and yes this means i'll be going to miami! sooooo, i'll have to hit upthis crazy girl i know and hang out with her......i THINK you know her, thinks "bitches" is in the bible. =P
"ass" is definitely in it, jury is still out on"bitches"

11:30 AM  

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