Saturday, March 18, 2006

Life Decisions

To:  All Federal Slaves
From:  Becky Ann
Subject:  Celebrate Good Times!

Love is a wonderful thing.  Celebrate the commitment of your co-worker, Mary Sue and her engagement to Lt. Gerald Irvine Joe by contributing to their wedding shower gift.  I will come around next Friday (pay day) to each office to collect your contribution.


To:  All Federal Slaves
From:  Emily Beth
Subject:  The Joy of a Lifetime

Children are a blessing.  Celebrate the birth of Brittany Lee’s son by contributing to her baby shower gift.  I will come around next Friday (pay day) to each office to collect your contribution.


Egypt:  “You know, I’m getting really sick of all these people asking for money.  This is a big office and I don’t even know any of these people to be donating money like that!”

Debbie:  “I know!  It should be just your friends who give something.  Why they gotta go and ask the whole office?!?!”

Reese:  “Yeah, and then they only come around for the money on pay day!”

Alex:  “It’s ridiculous really!”

Debbie:  “You know they just go up to their friends and tell them to go around the office and get money for them!”

Egypt:  “Yeah, and no one collected for Alex when he had his baby!”

Alex:  “Yeah, none of ya’ll went around asking for money for me!”

Debbie:  “Yeah…”

Egypt:  “Yeah…”

Reese [laughing]:  “Dude, we are some scandalous friends!  Sorry, Alex.”

Alex:  “No, but really, I wouldn’t expect you to ask for money, for me, from complete strangers.  That’s rude!”

Egypt:  “Yeah, well this time, I’m going to say “No!”  I’ve probably spent about $50.00 total on all these life decisions since I got here.  And I haven’t even been here for a year!”

Reese:  “What do you mean, “this time?”  I’ve been saying “no” each time one of these tax collectors comes around.”

Debbie:  “Are you serious?!?”

Reese:  “Yeah.”

Debbie:  “What do you say?”

Reese:  “I say, “I don’t have anything.”

Egypt:  “Just like that?”

Reese:  “Yeah.”

Alex:  “And, what do the tax collectors say?”

Reese:  “Oh, they “hee” and “haw” until it finally seeps in that I won’t give them anything.  And then they leave, but not before I tell them to close the door on their way out.  Hahaha!”

Debbie:  “You do not!!!”

Reese:  “I do too!!!”

Egypt:  “Wow, Reese!  You are my role model!  I’m gonna do it too!  Tomorrow, when Becky Ann comes around asking for money, I’m going to tell her I don’t have anything.”

Debbie:  “So am I!”

Alex:  “Yeah, me too!”

Reese:  “Cool!  Now, I won’t be the only bad guy!”

Debbie:  “Bad Attorney’s Unite!”

Everyone:  “Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”

The Next Day…

To:  Reese, Debbie, Alex
From:  Egypt
Subject:  I’m a Loser

Becky Ann came around.  I couldn’t say no.  She just kept looking at me.  I gave $5.00.  I’m weak.  I wish I had your strength, Reese.  :(


To:  Egypt, Debbie, Alex
From:  Reese
Subject:  Re:  I’m a Loser

You suck, Egypt!


To:  Reese, Egypt, Alex
From:  Debbie
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Don’t worry about, Reese.  I’ll be a Bad Attorney with you.  I’ll say no!


To:  Reese, Egypt, Alex
From:  Debbie
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Awwww, man!  I gave $5.00 too.  I couldn’t do it!  Becky Ann used to be my clerk!  She just kept looking at me!


To:  Reese, Egypt, Debbie
From:  Alex
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser



To:  Reese, Egypt, Debbie
From:  Alex
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

Okay, I didn’t exactly say “no.”  I said I didn’t have any cash.  She said she’ll come back later.  

That still counts though, right?


To:  Alex, Debbie, Egypt
From:  Reese
Subject: Re:  I’m a Loser

You all suck!  Now, I have to be the bad guy.  Fine!  I’ll show you how to get this done.  Come by my office in 10 minutes and I’ll tell you how it all went down.

10 Minutes Later…

Egypt:  “So did you do it?”

Reese:  “Hell yeah!”

Debbie:  “Wow!”

Alex:  “So what happened?”

Reese:  “Well, I was sitting at my desk, typing, when she knocked on the door…”

10 Minutes Earlier…

[Knock, knock, knock]

Reese:  “Yes.”

Becky Ann [enters]:  “Hello.  I’m sure you got my e-mail last week, that I would be coming around to collect for Mary Sue’s wedding shower gift…”

Reese [still typing]:  “Yeah…”

Becky Ann:  “Well, I’m here for your contribution so…”

Reese [still typing]:  “I don’t have anything.”

Becky Ann [in shock]:  “Wha…what?”

Reese [stops typing, turns toward Becky Ann]:  “I.  Don’t.  Have.  Anything.”

Becky Ann:   [silent and staring at Reese]

Reese:  [silent and staring at Becky Ann]

Becky Ann:  “Ummm…oh…okay…”

Reese [goes back to typing]:  “Okay, thank you.  Please close the door on your way out.”

Becky Ann:  “Ummm…oh…okay…”

Reese [typing]:  “Bye, bye!”

Back to the Present…

Alex:  “Dang!”

Egypt:  “Wow, Reese!”

Debbie:  “You are ‘bout it, girl!”

Reese:  “Yeah, well, I do what I can.”

Egypt:  “I’m gonna do it too.  The next time one of those tax collectors comes around, I’m just going to say “no.”

Reese:  “No, you’re not.”

Egypt:  “I’m not?”

Reese:  “Nope, none of you are.”

Debbie:  “Yeah?  And how can you be so sure?”

Reese:  “You all are too nice.”

Egypt:  “Yes, we are very nice people.”

Debbie:  “And you are really, really evil, Reese.”

Reese:  “Yeah, and besides think about it like this:  if we were all evil that would probably disrupt the balance of ying and yang or something.”

Alex:  “What?!?”

Reese:  “Yeah, the space-time continuum would rip or something and we’d all be doctors instead of attorneys or something.”

Debbie:  “DOCTORS?!?”



Debbie [freaking out]:  “REESE!!!!  I DON’T WANT TO BE DOCTOR!!!  I LIKE MY MONEY FAST AND EASY!!!!”

Reese:  “Geez, ya’ll, calm down!  Now, don’t worry about it, okay?  Just live your evilness through me.”

Egypt:  “Live our evilness through you?  Yes, that’s a much better plan than being a doctor!”  

Debbie [calming down]:  “Yes, we’ll do that instead!”

Reese:  “See?  It all works itself out.”

Alex:  “Cool.  You know, there are some kids in my neighborhood who need to be taken care of.  You think you could do something…”

Reese:  “Shhh…we’ll talk about it at the drop-off point.  There’s way too many feds here.”


© Copyright 2006.  All Rights Reserved.


Blogger "Lisa" said...

This post illustrates three things.

1) Your co-workers are weak.

2) You are mean.

3) Since March Madness isn't over and you didn't talk about it this means you are getting your @ss STOMPED once again in the bracket challenge. Shame I say Shame.

P.S. Before reese points out that she is beating me....Hey I said it before and I'll say at again. At least I ain't dead last.

12:04 AM  
Blogger Jomama said...

I can't believe your coworkers go around soliciting donations like that. That's just wrong. When people want to collect money for a present for a coworker, they send out an email and tell them who they should give their money to if they choose to. If you don't want to donate, you just ignore the email and go on about your business. Good for you for saying no. You just started working there and they expect you to give your money to people you barely know? It's like that episode of Friends. . .

9:33 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

First of all, I'd just like to point out that I'm kicking "Lisa's" booty in the bracket challenge! So, your comments are meaningless to me. Meaningless!!

Jomama: I know! I think it should be just send out an e-mail and people can bring the money to you if they want. I've never been an office where people would personally solicit money from you. I don't know what's up with these jokers. Whatever! I'm just going to keep on saying "no."

11:15 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

I'm the same - if you don't know them why should you have to contribute?

Is that REALLy the conversation w/your co-workers do you secrectly tape record them? ha ha

Either way - love it!

1:44 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Jessica, although I do take a little bit of artistic license to make the story flow, that really is the conversation I had with my co-workers. I really have been declared the evil one. But, truthfully, they're just weak. ;)

1:50 PM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

Dang I need to soliciting donation... what a good idea. Ressey, ummm would you like to donate to the Envizable Cause of Blog Awareness????

Don't be cheap

8:42 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Sure, Viz. I'll give what I always give to needy causes...

$5 Gift Certificates to Sizzler.

You can get a nice bite of a steak with that bad boy. ;)

9:07 PM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

I used to be immune to these things, then just recently I succumbed to a "jump rope for charity event" only to find out that I had to make good on my pledge before a single rope was jumped.

10:55 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

Ah, office charity. This happened a lot at my old job. It really pissed me off because I thought,

1) When the f*** is MY wedding!? huh? huh?
2) When the hell is MY baby shower?! huh? huh?
3) How in the hell am I supposed to give part of my measly paycheck to someone who makes at least two times what I make?!

Inconsiderate bastards.

And the worst part was that the people who made the most, gave the least.

Tell them to eff off. I'm bitter. Effin' Girl Scout cookies, school fundraisers and s***...

9:48 PM  

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