Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 152 to Day 202

A Turn for the Worse.


Bonjour, dames et monsieur and welcome to your second to last edition of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.



When we last left our couple, Lisa had finally professed her love for Mike.



It was touchingly disgusting.



But, since that time what have Lisa and Mike been up to? Well, pretty much what any couple is up to after they fall in love with each other…



Preparing to break up.



That’s right! Lisa and Mike are not having a particularly good run at their relationship right now. What’s the problem you ask? Well, if you give me a minute, I’ll tell you. Geesh!


I mean, really, do you guys know how long it takes for me to write these things? I’m not a creative person by nature, you know? I have to get into “the zone” where I have to implore “The Funny” to assist me. And, let me tell you something- “The Funny” is a bastard! He left this series after the “time machine” episodes. I asked him to come back, but he refused. He said I owed him “overtime” or something and that he doesn’t work for “free” and that “slavery” is “illegal” and some other junk.



Pssf! Whatever!



Anyways...uhhh…what was I talking about…


Oh, yeah, “The Funny!” He’s such a rotten bastard! I swear if he “reports” me to the “authorities” for “locking” him in my “basement” it’s going to be on!


Lisa: “Okay, alright, that’s enough!”

Reese: “Hey! What are you doing here?!?”

Lisa: “We can all see that you have completely lost your mind. So, I’m going to narrate this time.”

Reese: “What? You don’t narrate! You’re a character in the story that I, or any one of the people living in my head, narrates.”

Lisa: “Yes, well, you’ve obviously gone mad and we need to finish this, so if you’ll step aside…”

Reese: “What? This is my blog! If you want to write something go write something on YOUR blog!”

Lisa: [sigh]

Reese: “Don’t “[sigh]” at me!!”

Lisa: “I knew it would come to this. Ahem…”


“POLICE!!!”



The COPS of South Pinellas, Florida: “Alright, ma’am, you’re going to have to come with us.”

Reese: “What?!? Why?!?!”

The COPS: “Enslavement of “The Funny.”

Reese: “What?!?! No way!! I can’t be arrested on my own blog!!!!!”

The COPS: “MA’AM, PLEASE TRY TO CONTROL YOUR AGGRESSIVE BLACK GENE!!!”

Reese: “What?!?!”

The COPS: “TAKE HER DOWN!! TAKE HER DOWN!!!”

Reese [running away]: “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!”

Cop #1 [chasing Reese]: “WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS RUN AWAY?!?!?”

Cop #2 [also chasing Reese]: “THEY NEVER LEARN!! THEY JUST NEVER LEARN!!!”




Lisa: “Whew. Now that that’s over…”

Reese [still running]: “I’LL GET YOU LISA…”

Lisa: “…we can get on with the story…”

Reese: “AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!!!!!!”

Lisa: “Gee, someone’s bitter.”



[Lisa narrates…]

Okay, now where were we? Oh, yes, Mike and I had finally confirmed our love, but now we’re having problems.


You see, the thing is, Mike is an annoying bastard. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. He’s an annoying bastard. He does this thing that I hate. It’s called being a bossy prick! Here let me show you. We had this conversation in his car on the way to the movies…



Mike: “What’s wrong, Lisa?”

Lisa: “Oh, I’m just pissed at my sister is all. We had a fight today.”

Mike: “Geez, your family is so dysfunctional. You know what I think you should do?”

Lisa: “Excuse me, but did you just say my family is dysfunctional?”

Mike [ignoring Lisa]: “You should apologize to your sister. I’m sure whatever happened, it’s all your fault.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE ARGUMENT WAS ABOUT!!!”

Mike: “Yeah, but you always start trouble. You need to do what I’m saying and apologize to your sister.”

Lisa [steaming mad]: “Let me get this straight. First, you insult my family when you know nothing about my family?”

Mike: “Meh.”

Lisa: “Then, you side with my sister, when I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND!”

Mike: “Feh.”

Lisa: “And now you’re telling me that I’m a troublemaker and that I’m supposed to do what you say?!?”

Mike: “Wow, you’re actually catching on.”

Lisa: “Okay…you know what…okay…I’m just not going to say anything right now, I’m just going to distance myself from you because if I don't I’m going to say something that I regret.”

Mike: “Well, do whatever you have to do to get your emotions in check.”

Lisa: [gives Mike the Death Stare]

Mike [condescendingly]: “Whoo! Someone’s upset.”



You see?!? The bossy part was him telling me what to do. The prick part was everything else. Okay, now repeat this same conversation and insert my sister for a co-worker, a friend, or the homeless guy on the street and no matter what it’s always my fault and I need to do what Mike says to fix it.


Naturally, I responded as any woman would when faced with such a problematic relationship…



I told Mike to change and, when he didn’t, I dumped his @$$!!!!


Lisa: “Look, Mike it’s obvious that we have some problems. And, I think there are some things you can work on so we won’t have these problems.”

Mike: “Yeah, well I think you should just accept me for who I am.”

Lisa: “Well, that’s true, but can’t I ask that you work on some things to improve our relationship?”

Mike: “Why’s it always gotta be me? That’s what I’m saying…”

Lisa: “Look, I just think if you could try to be a little more considerate and not so demanding and demeaning we could work these things out. The way you talk to me and the way you say things is just not cool.”

Mike: “Yeah…”

Lisa: “So, do you think you could try to be less bossy?”

Mike: “Ummm…”

Lisa: “Well?”

Mike: “Well…”

Lisa: “Yes?”

Mike: “Well…”

Lisa: “MIKE!!!”

Mike: “Okay, I’ll think about trying. How about that?”

Lisa: “You mean you’re not going to try to be less bossy?”

Mike: “Well, I don’t know if I’m going to try or not. I’ll think about the possibility of being less bossy. If you give me 30 days to think about it, I’ll know for sure.”

Lisa: “30 days?”

Mike: “Yes.”

Lisa: “Like a 30 day trial period where you don’t actually try anything, you just think about trying?”

Mike: “Exactly!”

Lisa [turning to go to sleep]: “Okay, I see. Well, goodnight.”

Mike: “Goodnight, sweetie.”



The Next Day…



Mike: “So, Lisa, what do you want to do today?”

Lisa: “Do today?”

Mike: “Yeah, what’s the plan for today?”

Lisa: “Mike, what are you talking about? We’re broken up.”

Mike: “WHAT?!?!”

Lisa: “Remember? Last night we broke up.”

Mike: “WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!”

Lisa: “When you said you weren’t willing to try to be less bossy.”

Mike: “I DIDN’T SAY I WOULDN’T TRY!! I SAID I HAD TO THINK ABOUT POSSIBLY TRYING!!!”

Lisa: “Yeah and I said if you could try we could work things out. But, sense I got a “maybe” instead of a “yes” on the trying, it’s obvious that we can’t work things out. So, now we’re broken up.”

Mike: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!”

Lisa: “Well, you’re the one who made the decision.”

Mike: “I DIDN’T MAKE A DECISION! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT!!!”

Lisa: “And, the lesson learned is that inaction is just as much of a decision.”

Mike: “WHAT?!?!”

Lisa: “It’s a very powerful lesson if you actually think about it, Mike.”

Mike: [stunned silence]

Lisa: “Well, you know, it’s been real. Have a nice life and all.”

Mike: [more stunned silence]

Lisa: “Wow, Mike. You actually look hurt.”

Mike: [still stunningly silent]

Lisa: “Yeah, well, you’ll get over it. Now, it’s time for you to go. I have things to do and cute new boys to pick up.”

Mike [dazed and confused]: “What….”

Lisa: “Come now! Chop, chop- time to go! I don’t have all day.”



Yeah, that’s right! I broke up with my boyfriend, kicked him out, and moved on from the relationship all in one night.



What?




I don’t like dwelling in the past. It’s my thing. Not dwelling in the past is my thing.




So, anyway, now you know the whole story.




Or do you?



Stay tuned for the final installment. Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 193 to Day 355. Epilogue.




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

11 Comments:

Blogger jeopardygirl said...

There's MORE? Wow. See, from my perspective, when a relationship is over, it's over for good and all. My last boyfriend and I barely said more seven words to each other after the bastard dumped me for a Chinese exchange student. (Seventeen years later, and it still stings like a sonovabitch)

10:46 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

(Seventeen years later, and it still stings like a sonovabitch)

I don't know why, but this had me ROTFL! Very funny, JG! :D

11:26 AM  
Blogger Michael Newfoundland said...

Good stuff...

2:16 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Run Reese, RUN!!!!!!!

Girl, that had me ROTFL. Yay for the new installment and i can't wait for the final chapter of this storie.

7:44 PM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

I really know why a relationship has to completely end, I don't mean the intimate part but the friendship--- why go away hating each other when you once loved each other... is there really a fine line between love and hate? For me it is, after experiencing the woo's of an ex I simply can't be friends with my ex's they eventually resentment me for not wanting the same thing they want.

Good read... can't wait to read more.

10:35 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

WoW
Looks like I am single. Took a bit of artistic license there but essentially pretty accurate. At least you did not make me seem cold and crazy. I should be happy with that at least.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Lisa: Artistic license?

Stop trying to make yourself look good, you know that's what happened. ;)

10:03 AM  
Blogger Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

This is developing nicely. :D

10:22 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

LOVED it! That's funny. Reese you crack me up... how'd your run in the the South Pinellas cops work out in the end???? Were there handcuffs and mace involved?

10:55 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Joanne: I took 'em down!

'Cause I'm GANGSTA!!!

LOL!

11:51 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

I'm loving this series, but not commenting because I just can't think of anything to say that is as clever as what you're writing :)

12:16 PM  

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