Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Book of Reese: Nausea and Brackets

The Book of Reese. The 28th Chapter, versus 259-260.

“And, on the third day of the week, God blessed Reese with a stomach virus. And, although Reese was in a considerable amount of pain, it was still better than going to work. For in between Reese’s many episodes of blahness, she was able to play Tekken 5. Hallelujah!”


The Book of Reese. The 27th Chapter, versus 259-260.

“And on this day, Reese did a very good thing. She helped all those unfortunate souls who knew not how to fill out their brackets. And the insight that she had, only by means of the Lord himself, was as follows…”

Okay, so it’s time to select your bracket picks. As I’m an expert at picking out brackets (and have won 0 bracket challenges), I thought I’d give you some tips for when you fill out your brackets.

First, you must repress all basketball knowledge. If you know anything about college basketball, you must find a way to forget it. It’s of absolutely no use to you in the bracket challenge. You will lose the challenge if you rely on basketball knowledge. The reason why? Irony- pure and simple. Here are some suggestions to getting rid of the basketball knowledge that you do have:

* Hit yourself in the head with a bat.
* Bang your head on your desk.
* Run, head first, into the wall.
* Go back in time and tell your past self not to watch any basketball this season.

Now, if you’re finding it difficult to get rid of your basketball knowledge (as in, you have a concussion and short-term memory loss, but still plenty of basketball knowledge) do not despair. There is hope for you yet. Do one of the following and you still might get second place:

1. Have Your Dog Fill Out Your Brackets: First, sit down with your dog. Then, say a team’s name to your dog. If he looks up to you in confusion, pick that team. If he growls or wags his tail, do not pick that team. By employing this method, you maximize the appropriate amount of randomness needed to beat my little sister in the bracket challenge.

* NOTE: You may substitute other pets instead of using a dog. For example, if you say Kentucky, and your goldfish swims to the left, then pick Kentucky. If you say Duke, and your goldfish swims to the right, DON’T pick Duke. Please be aware that you can never use cats with this tip. They are too smart, hence you will automatically lose.

2. Play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-B-Ball Team: If you only have a cat, the next best option is to select your teams based on the game Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey. Just like the “Donkey” game, place a piece of paper on the wall that has the names of 2 teams who are going against each other- say, Villanova University vs. Timbuktoo University. Now, put on a blindfold and spin yourself around 5 times. Now go forward with a thumbtack in your hand. If your thumbtack lands on Timbuktoo University then pick that school to win. Congratulations! You just picked the first #16 seed in the history of the tournament to beat a #1 seed. Everyone will think you’re bloody brilliant when it turns out you were right.

3. Have Jessica Simpson Fill Out Your Brackets: Okay, so you don’t have a thumbtack. Then, what you need is Jessica Simpson. Two years ago, this intellectually challenged singer beat her then husband (a die-hard University of Cincinnati fan) and all of their friends, by picking Georgia Tech and St. Joseph’s University to go deep into the tournament. How did she do it? Because she’s stoopid. And, that’s what you need. A stoopid person to pick your brackets.

* NOTE: You may also use Kobe Bryant. Yes, he’s a basketball player, but he has no basketball knowledge (evident by the fact that once upon a time he had Shaquile O’Neal and Phil Jackson fired from the Lakers).

4. Pick a Random Person on the Street and Ask Them to Fill out Your Brackets: Alright, so you’ve been arrested trying to get Jessica Simpson and Kobe Bryant to fill out your brackets. But, that’s okay. You still have some more methods to employ.

First, hit the main street of the city or town that you live in. Next, start asking random people on the street if they know what basketball is. If you find someone who has never heard of basketball, ask that person to fill out your brackets. Be really nice about it, as they may think you’re a crazy homeless person. Really, though, this is the next best thing to getting Jessica Simpson to fill out your brackets.

5. Use the CC Method: The CC Method is the method that my little sister uses to pick her brackets. It involves saying teams’ names and picking the teams whose names you like the best. But, you have to do this the right way. You must pronounce each syllable of the team name and then pick the team. For example:

* For the University of Connecticut say: CON-NEC-TI-CUT
* Then, for Crap-Butt University say: CRAP-BUTT
* Now, which team name do you like better, “Connecticut” or “Crap-Butt”? Pick the team name you like the best and pick that team to win the match-up.

* NOTE: Many people say you can also fill out your brackets by picking which teams’ mascots you like the best. I believe this is a bad idea. Many times, people pick mascots, which if real, would really kill the other team’s mascot. For example, a “Fighting Irishman (Notre Dame)” probably wouldn’t have any problem killing an “Emasculated Hen (Virginia Tech).” But, not necessarily so in Tournament World. In Tournament World, that Emasculated Hen has just as good of a chance as winning as the Fighting Irishman. So, really, I think its best not to pick based on mascots. This method is a trick that could end up tricking you up.

Alright! Now you have the secrets to filling out your brackets for the Something Different Bracket Challenge. Please, don’t forget to join SD League Challenge to play. I look forward to kicking at least one person’s butt during this game; for, I already know that I will probably lose the whole thing. ;)

Happy March Madness!!

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger "Lisa" said...

You CHEATED! This is the same advice from last year and a foriegner won the bracket challendge. I need new suggestions

5:49 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

I joined and since i know NOTHING about basketball i might just win according to your guidlines.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

The advice doesn't EVER change, "Lisa." It's always the same. You need NO basketball knowledge. Hence, you have already lost, my friend.

Karla: First of all, YEAH for joining the league!!!!

Now, do you really know nothing about b-ball? Do you know what b-ball is? If you do, you've already dropped to second place. ;) Lol.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i like UNC because i could by a hoodie with my name on it. woo!

alright, i signed up and filled out my brackets......yay!!!

3:17 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

"by", "buy"....whatever.

3:23 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

Yes i know what basketball is...lol..damn that means i am in second.

12:33 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

More proof that cats are smarter than Jessica Simson: Cat's know what tuna is.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Jonny R. said...

I am here to dominate. You may plead for you tournament lives at my "wet dog smell" feet. Off with your heads!

5:44 PM  

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