Monday, April 10, 2006

The Something Different Group

And now, from the nation’s capital, The Something Different Group. With your host, DJ….



DJ: “YO, YO, YO, YO!! WAT’S UP MY [insert racial epithet]!!! YOU ARE NOW LOCKED IN TO THE ILLIST, MOST DEFEST, MOST FO’ SIHIZZLE POLITICAL ROUNDTABLE ON THE PLANET EARTH! YA HEARD?!?!”

“Today, my peeps and I gonna hit at you about what to do with this thing called “immigration.” A lot of ya’ll real salty right now about some mess going on in Congress, but we about to straighten it out right now, thug style! No whatta I mean, son? But, first, let me call out the group, my [insert racial epithet]’s!”

“To represent "the right" is John O’Malley, Captain of the South Pinellas, Florida Cops! Wazzz up, O’dog!!”


O’Malley: “Ahem...I don’t speak Black. So, I will just say hello to the good, clean Americans who are watching tonight.”

“And, we all know who the good, clean Americans are…”


DJ: “Yeah, yeah we know, punk! Always gotta be givin’ shout outs to whitey! Man, you whack!!”

“Yeah, so anyway, representin’ "the left" is my homegirl, fo’ sho, Hurricane Rita.”

“As you all may or may not know, Rita was born in the Caribbean, but then immigrated to Cancun, Mexico. And then, she immigrated to the U.S. Gulf Coast. Wazz up, shorty?!?!”


Rita: “First of all, I want to send a shout out to Jamaica! Buck, buck! And then, I want to send a shout out to my sexy hombres in "Me-he-co"!!!! Hola, papis!!!!!!! And, then I wanna say howdy to my girls in Texas and Louisiana…”


DJ: “Yeah, yeah, we get it. You know a lot of [insert racial epithets]!”

“Next, to be the voice of reason, we done asked Karma to come up and kick the knowledge, ya’ heard!”


Karma: “How is it that DJ is hosting The Something Different Group? I’m SD’s official anchor. I should be hosting The SD Group!!! This is unfair! You know I’m seriously thinking about moving to CBS!!!”

DJ: “Yo, on the real ya’ll, I did NOT invite Karma here. She always be complain’ about junk…”

Karma: “You know DJ, it is possible to get re-infected with syphilis…”

DJ: “And Karma has the right to complain! She is SD’s official anchor. We should all listen to any and everything Karma has to say.”

“Ahem…okay moving on…to represent THE American Worker, is the hardest working girl in the hero business, my future baby’s mama, Poor Working Girl.”


PWG: “I hate you all.”

DJ: “Okay, first, let’s hear the opening arguments. O’dog, what you gotta say about immigration, son?”

O’Malley: [silent]

DJ: “O’DOG!!! I’M TALKING TO YOU, MAN!!!”

O’Malley: “Oh, I’m sorry. My name is not O’dog, so I naturally assumed you were talking to one of your criminal associates.”

“Alright, well, here’s how I feel about immigration…”

“IMMIGRATION IS UN-AMERICAN!!!! Only American people should be allowed to immigrate to America. We all know who those people are. There’s too many un-American people here in the U.S. Our country can’t afford to continue to harbor the mass influx of un-American people. Texas alone is going to go bankrupt handling all of the un-Americans. So I say, get rid of ‘em! I’ll arrest all of the un-Americans myself if I have to!! And, then I say, put up a big ole wall as high as the sky to make sure no more un-Americans can get in the country.”

“And that’s my take on un-Americans!”


DJ: “Yo, man! You messed up in the head! Fo' shizzle!”

“Alright, for the opposing argument we go to Rita. Rita, what you got to say?”


Rita [to O’Malley]: “Okay, but, how are going to say I’m un-American. What because I’m not a citizen that means I’m not a U.S. American?”

“Well, okay, technically, that’s true, but there are so many opportunities for me to do my work here in the U.S. That’s why I came here, for a better future. Do you know how hard it is to find land to hit sitting in the Caribbean? But, in America, there’s lot’s of land for a hurricane to destroy! PLUS, don’t forget that immigrants like me take jobs that Americans don’t want. I know in my case, there aren’t many Americans who want to be hurricanes. So, the U.S. really needs me to do the work it doesn’t want to do.”

“And that’s my take on immigration!”


DJ: “Yeah…I ain’t gonna lie, folks. Having a hurricane represent the left was pretty stupid. Karma, how about you be the voice of reason here, girl?”

Karma: “What? Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy planning an exciting life for Captain O’Malley. Uh, what was the question again?”

DJ: “Dang, Karma! I said, “how about you be the voice of reason” and enlighten us on this situation?”

Karma: “Oh, sorry, I don’t get involved in politics.”

DJ: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “The puny discussions of you humans is of no concern to me.”

DJ: “THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE, MAN?!?!”

Karma: “I just wanted to see how awful this show was going to be.”

DJ: “SEE, THAT’S WHY YOU TRIFFILING, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “Did you just call me triffiling?”

O’Malley: “Surely someone as wise and omnipotent as Karma would agree with “the right” on this issue.”

Karma: “Don’t try to get in the good book now, O’Malley…”

Rita: “No, surely someone as beautiful and glamorous as Karma would agree with “the left” on this issue.”

Karma: “It’s true, I am beautiful.”

DJ: “HOW YA’LL [insert racial epithet]’s GONNA BE SUCKIN’ UP TO KARMA LIKE THAT?!?! SHE AIN’T EVEN CONTRIBUTING TO THE DISCUSSION, MAN!!!”

O’Malley [screaming at Rita]: “KARMA KNOWS THE DEAL! IMMIGRATION IS UN-AMERICAN!!!”

PWG: “Doesn’t anyone want to know what I think?”

Rita [screaming at O’Malley]: “KARMA DOES KNOW THE DEAL! LIMITLESS IMMIGRATION IS PERFECTLY OKAY!!!!”

PWG: “I am Poor Working Girl, after all. Don’t I have a say in this?”

Karma [pointing her finger at DJ]: “DON’T THINK I FORGOT THAT YOU CALLED ME TRIFFILING, DJ!!!!”

PWG [sighing]: “Could someone listen to me for a change…”

DJ [standing up]: “GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME SYPHILLIS, BE-OTCH!!! I’LL TAKE YOU ON!! I AIN’T NO PUNK!!!”

Karma [taking off her earrings]: “OH, IT’S ON NOW!!!”

PWG [rolling her eyes]: “Is anyone listening to me?”

O’Malley [yelling at the camera]: “UN-AMERICANS GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY!!!!”

RITA [chanting loudly]: “HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!!!! HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!!!”

PWG [screaming]: “EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


[silence]


PWG: “Your fighting is getting on my last nerve!! As a hero, I know all about fighting. And I know enough to know when there isn’t any point to fighting in the first place! This whole immigration debate is stupid!”

DJ [doing his best Gary Coleman impression]: “Whatcha talkin’ about PWG?”

PWG: “What I’m talking about is that both sides are right!”

O’Malley & Rita: “Huh?!?!”

PWG: “I can’t believe I’m just wasting my time on this show. I should be taking down the Dragon, but ohhhh noooo I’m here explaining simplicity to idiots!!!”

Karma: “So, what’s your take PWG?”

PWG: “You can’t call immigration un-American when everyone in the U.S., with the exception of Native Americans, are IMMIGRANTS!!!!”

“It doesn’t matter what race, ethnicity, religion, whatever you are. All that matters is that you have roots in the U.S.! And that you contribute to the nation! That’s what makes you a real American!”


Rita: “RIGHT ON, PWG!!!”

PWG: “But, limitless immigration is not acceptable! Yeah, SOME immigrants come to the U.S. to take jobs that Americans don’t want, but that’s only true for skilled American workers. You can’t deny that unskilled Americans lose out to immigrants who are willing to take the same jobs at lower pay.”

O’Malley: “That’s what I’m saying! Protect Americans already here!!”

PWG: “Yeah, but the U.S. has to start protecting ALL Americans. Not just the chosen few. And, the country shouldn’t be using immigration to sponsor corporate welfare. And, I know a thing or two about evil coporations…”

DJ: “Interesting. So, what’s the solution then, shorty?”

PWG: “The solution? Hell if I know! How about this: build a big old fence…”

O’Malley: “YEEE-HAW!”

PWG: “…and let ALL immigrants who are already in the U.S. have the option of going back to their home country or becoming citizens.” *

Rita: “Hmmm…that could work!”

PWG: “There! Problem solved. And it only took me 10 seconds.”

Karma: “I like it, PWG, but what about syphilis? What role does syphilis have to play in this?”

PWG: “Karma, I like you. You have the requisite toughness I admire in heroes. However, I don’t think that syphilis has any role in controlling immigration.”

Karma: “Immigration?!?! Oh, no, I meant for DJ! What role does syphilis have in dealing with DJ?”

PWG: “Oh! Girl, please, knock yourself out. I don’t care.”

Karma: “Thanx, I’ll do that!”

DJ [sarcastically]: “YES, THANX, PWG! THANX FOR BEING SUCH AN ENLIGHTENED BE-OTCH!!!!!”

PWG: “What did you just call me?”

DJ: “Alright, tune in next time when we be talkin’ about some other whack @$$ stuff!”

PWG: “Oh, hell no! Karma, when are you going to take him out?!?!”

Karma [going after DJ]: “I’m on it!!!”

DJ [running away]: “WE OUT BITCHES!!!!!”



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.



* For real though, that guest worker program is stupid. As “Lisa” pointed out to me the other day, how smart is it to have a large population of unskilled, NON-VOTING, workers whose status of lower class has been legally sanctioned by the federal government. Can anyone say “indentured servitude?”


7 Comments:

Blogger Amadeo said...

indentured servitude...it'd be nostalgic...maybe they could lynch some people and burn some crosses too.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i love you reese.
=)

where would i be without your blog stories at work?

certainly not leaving you this comment.

and not laughing out loud at...Karma: “You know DJ, it is possible to get re-infected with syphilis…”

be cool.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Amadeo: Heck, why don't we just bring back slavery and genocide? Ahhh, the good old days... ;)

Caro: Thanx! :) I'm happy that the stuff I write helps you pass the time. :)

8:15 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Interesting points of view. It'll be even more interesting to see if all the protesting works and what the eventual solution is. I have no ideas - hence why I'm not in politics.

BUT, thanks for bringing back DJ! ;-)

8:35 AM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

My comment is a name: Cesar Chavez

http://chavezfoundation.org/cesarechavez.html

4:38 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

My favorite part was Karma planning an exciting life for Mr. O'malley. And you quoted my genius!

5:12 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Good post. I agree with most of PWG's points, but often for different reasons.

As for indentured servitude, America already has such a program firmly entrenched - it's called credit cards.

2:16 PM  

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