Thursday, April 28, 2005

Lisa's Little Big House [April 2005]

As of April 25, 2005, Lisa has put someone in prison for....


30 Years (and all years MUST be served)!!!


The crime....


Aggravated Assault and Aggravated Battery!!


Alright, there you have it. Let's all give a round of applause to Lisa- keeping our streets safe from the poor and indigent 24/7. ;)


PS: Lisa is really bitter, because, as this was a big case, she was interviewed by the local paper for a quote. But, then, they printed the article and didn't even mention Lisa (they instead quoted her boss the DA, who didn't even try the case!). Lisa and I think this happened because Lisa's real name was a little too long for the paper to print...


And, also a little to ethnic...


And, also a little too Muslim...


Oh, well. She'll just have to get her praise and fame here. ;)



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Circular Logic (What's Wrong with Reese?)

“You’re a very strange girl.”

Ever since my aunt said this to me, I’ve been seriously questioning my normalcy. At first I thought I’m just like everyone else. I mean, Lisa and I have practically the same interests; therefore, I have to be normal, right?

But, then I thought I really shouldn’t judge my normalcy using Lisa as my template. I mean, I like Lisa and everything, but, between you and me, she’s nuts! A really strange girl.

So, I started comparing myself to other normal people. Listening to their conversations and absorbing what is important in their lives. And, that’s when it hit me- I am strange! What’s wrong with me?

Like, why don’t I like chick flicks? I’m a chick. Shouldn’t I like the flick? I have such a lack of attraction to romance.

And, why haven’t I had a long-term relationship? Everyone else has. Maybe I want one too? Maybe I want to be in love?

Why did I just make myself throw up? I know that I treat love like a disease- a putrid, horrible condition that destroys your very soul. Why everyone else wants this disease is beyond me. I could care less to deal with it.

So, why am I so apathetic? I mean sometimes I think that I don’t really care about anything. I always take a stand on something because I initially feel passionate about it. But, then, after I’ve gone through all of the trouble to defend my position, I end up thinking, “Yea, so, I don’t really care anymore. This is all so unnecessary.” And, after that, anything that anyone says to me about the topic always gets met with this reply: “Yea, but I don’t care. This is stupid.”

Why am I so juvenile? I’m always making stupid wisecracks at stuff. I still watch Saturday morning cartoons. I bought my favorite Jem doll off of Ebay. I still watch Jem! It’s like I’m regressing. Everyone else is growing up, having relationships, and buying houses, while I’m trying to buy all 3 of the Misfits off of Ebay (as you can tell, I love Ebay as much as I love Jem). Why can’t I be like everyone else?

Why did I just break out into immense laughter after I wrote that last sentence? Because I know that I don’t want to be like everyone else. I take pride in being one of the few mutant, green roses in a mass of red ones. I’ve never wanted to be like everyone else. I know that I am unique, and special, and maybe even a little bit better than the mindless, auto-matons that I always run into.

So, why do people think I’m arrogant? There’s no justification for it really. It’s not like I think I’m better than anyone or something.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’m such a hypocrite? I’m always saying stuff, and then saying more stuff that contradicts the stuff I had just said before. That’s not that bright, huh?

So, why am I, a stupid person, trying to figure myself out? I’m stupid, so I’m never going to figure out what’s wrong with me. I might as well just accept myself the way that I am and move on.


Hmmm???


That actually sounds like a plan. I think I’ll do it.


So, what’s wrong with me?


Eh, I dunno. And, I really don’t care either.




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Evil Incarnate?

Wow. First I'm the tropical flower of evil, and now...I'm just plain EVIL. And, also a poser.

Actually, this interpretation of me is pretty interesting, considering what I'm going to post tomorrow...

-----------------------------------------------------------




You're Mother Night!

by Kurt Vonnegut

Nobody knows what to believe about you, and you know least of all. You spent most of your time convinced that the ends justify the means, but your means were, well, downright mean! And the end is nigh. Meanwhile all you want is to travel back in time, if not to change, then to just delight in the way it used to be. You are who you pretend to be. Oh yes, you're the great pretender.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Cops: South Pinellas, Florida


"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatchta gonna do when they come for youuuuuu??"



Cops: South Pinellas, Florida



Radio dispatcher: "[static] Units 5 & 6 [static] report to Fairmont Park Elementary School, we've got a TT1 in progress."

Cop 1: "Alright, we're pulling up to the Fairmont Park district . What we've got here is a domestic disturbance. Uh, 5 year old, African-American female destroying property..."

Cop 2: "Another Black kid..."

Cop 1: "Yea, another Black kid, destroying paper, jumping on tables. We've dealt with this one before. This time, the situation is grave. It's a full on TT1..."

Cop 2: "Temper Tantrum in the 1st degree..."

Cop 1: "Yea, we may need backup. Dispatcher, we need 2 more officers as backup."

Cop 2: "You just don't know how difficult it is to deal with 5 year old black kids who are committing TT1's. I mean, what do we do if she hits us?"

Cop 1: "Well, let's get locked and loaded!"



As our ever heroic cops pull up to the school, the backup that was called in arrives to assist their fellow officers.



Cop 3: "So, what's the situation?"

Cop 1: "We've got a 5 year old, African-American kid..."

Cop 2: "Another black kid..."

Cop 1: "Yea, another black kid in full TT1."

Cop 3: "OH, [BLEEP]!"

Cop 4: "Not a TT1!"

Cop 2: "Yup."

Cop 3: "Alright, well, let's get our guns locked and loaded. Man, I hate dealing with TT1 black kids! When are these people going to get over their violent tendencies?"

Cop 1: "I don't know, man. I just don't know..."



As our heroes enter the school they run into another hero. A teacher.



Teacher: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE TO HELP US!"

Cop 1: "Okay, ma'am calm down. What's the situation?"

Teacher: "She's gone nuts! I think her aggressive black gene has kicked in and there's nothing we can do to control her! She's ripping up paper, standing on tables, and she broke a candy dish!"

Cop 2: "NOT A CANDY DISH?!?"

Teacher: "Yes, a candy dish! We don't know what to do!!!"

Cop 1: "Okay, its worse than I expected. Alright every one, get ready. Ma'am where is the child now?"

Teacher: "In the assistant principal's office."

Cop 1: "Okay, let's go!"




The hero's approach the principal's office where they see the little girl sitting calmly in a chair...




Cop 1 [whispering]: "Okay, there she is. Don't be fooled by her cool demeanor. She could jump up and throw a candy dish toward us at any moment."

Cop 2 [whispering]: "Get the plastic cuffs ready..."



The hero's enter the prinicpal's office cautiously...



Cop 1 [nervously]: "Hello, little girl. Remember when we saw you last I told your mom that if you ever committed a TT1, I would cuff you?"

Little Girl: [silence]

Cop 1: "GRAB HER! GRAB HER!"

Cop 2: "I'VE GOT HER!"

Little Girl [crying]: "Nooooo!!!"

Cop 3: "PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!!"

Little Girl [crying]: "Noooo, please!!!"

Cop 4: "DON'T MAKE THIS MORE DIFFICULT ON YOURSELF!"

Cop 1: "ALRIGHT, I'VE GOT THE CUFFS ON HER WRISTS!!"

Cop 2: "Whew! Alright, let's get her to the cruiser."

Assistant Principal: "Oh, thank god for you officers!"



As our heros escort the little girl to the police cruiser, she fidgets in her uncomfortable handcuffs...



Cop 1: "Are you resisting arrest?!?!"

Cop 2: "HOGTIE, PEOPLE! WE HAVE TO HOGTIE HER!!"

Cop 3: "RESTRAIN HER ANKLES WITH HANDCUFFS!!"

Cop 4: "I'VE GOT IT!! CHILD RESTRAINED AND HANDCUFFED!"

Cop 1 [pushing little girl into police cruiser]: "NOW, YOU STAY IN THERE AND COOL DOWN UNTIL WE GET YOU TO THE STATION!!"

Cop 2: "Wow, that was rough!"

Cop 3: "I wasn't sure we would make it out alive!"

Cop 4: "Yea, but we did. And we got the perp!"

Cop 1: "Well, that's what we're here for. To protect and serve. That's what we do...It's what we do."



COPS!!






© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Observations About the Lenny Kravitz- Electric Church Tour

Oh, my god! You guys, I had the greatest time last night. I saw Lenny Kravitz' show and it was soooo awesome.

Okay, his opening act was Nikka Costa. Unfortunately, because my friend and I were running late, we missed most of her set. I was really disappointed because I really wanted to see her. But, I did get to hear her do her hit "Everybody's Got that Something" (I think that's what it is called). She's really wild! I love her and hope to see her again sometime.

Alright, on to Lenny.


So, my friend "Lea" and I had decent seats. We were in the second tier, we could see Lenny pretty well and we were having fun. About 5-10 minutes into the show, Lenny just stops singing and he was like, "You know what? It's all love here. I want EVERYONE to come down to the front!!" We were all shocked. Immediately, a mad dash of people in the orchestra section, and those in the tiered seats, ran down to the front and filled the floor seats. Lea and I stayed in our seats because there were so many people down there, that there was no reason to go down and not see any of the show. But then, an odd thing happened.

Almost halfway into the show, I noticed that people were leaving to go back to their seats. I guess they got tired of standing so close to random people. That's when I knew Lea and I had a chance not to just get to the floor, but to get to the STAGE! I was like, "Lea, let's go. Now!" So we left our seats and ran down to the floor. And, can you believe it, we actually got to the STAGE!! And, when I say stage, I don't mean behind 50 people who are in front of the stage. I mean, I was RESTING on the stage. My elbows were on the STAGE. I was a part of the STAGE!!

So, we stayed there the whole night. After a while, it did get really crowded, but Lea and I held our positions. Everyone at the concert was sooo cool too. At one point, I had accidentally bumped into this guy. I apologized and he was like, "Dude, we're at a Lenny Kravitz concert. It's all LOOOOVVVEE!!"

And, it was all love, ya'll. Now here comes the good part...



I touched Lenny.




I TOUCHED LENNY!!!



Not once...



Not twice, oh, no...



I TOUCHED LENNY 3 TIMES!!!!


Okay, I was on the right side of the stage, and there were mostly girls where I was. So, of course, Lenny KEPT coming over to our side. He would do his guitar solos near us. He and his other guitar player. So, the first time he was doing his solo, all of us were touching on him. I got to touch his knees. He has very sturdy knees, ya'll. Oh, man....He is soooo HOT!!


Then, one of my moments of pure bliss, that I will never forget...


He came back to our side and shook all of our hands.


And then, he took my hand. And he shook it!


Oh, my god, you guys. And he has such nice, big, SOFT, HOT!, hands!!



SIGH!



It was so awesome!



Also, awesome was Lenny's trumpet player. He was cute. Young, but cute. He was really good and has excellent taste, as I saw him checking me out at various times during the concert. I mean, I did look really good last night...


Well, actually, I'm not sure if he was really checking me out last night. But, I'd like to think that I'm hot enough to get with Lenny Kravitz's trumpet player. So, we'll go with the conclusion that he was checking me out. ;)


Anyways, the show was really awesome! According to people who have been following Lenny around the country for this tour, our city was the best show thus far. Because the audience was so live! Even Lenny challenged his next stop, NYC, to be as awesome as my city.


Lenny [at the concert]: "Oh, man! NYC is gonna get its ass kicked tomorrow!"


Yea, that's right! Whose city is 'bout it now?


I know, I know. I'm such a nut!


Anyways, the tour was awesome. Definitely check it out if you get a chance.


But, don't touch Lenny.


Only, I may touch Lenny...


I LOVE YOU LENNY!!!


;)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!

Excuse me a minute, while I do my happy dance!



OH, YEA! OH, YEA! DOING MY HAPPY DANCE! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!!



Can you guess why I'm so happy?



I'll give you some hints...



It's something that I just bought...



And I can't use it until 12:01 on May 19, 2005...



Hmmm???




Okay, if you don't know what it is, then you are completely out of the loop.




Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to continue dancing...



OH, YEA! OH, YEA! DOING MY HAPPY DANCE! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

That's Just Dandy...

Just for fun, I took this test. Evidently, I've got androgeny on lock. Which, is a little weird...

I do like being considered a tropical flower of EVIL!


MU-HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


Who would have guessed that Reese the Law Girl was actually a villan? Not me! ;)


Shout out to Juicy77 for leading me to the test. :)



I am the Dandy

Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles that the world expects us to play. We are instantly attracted to those who are more fluid than we are - those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at a freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image, which is always startling. Use the power of the Dandy to create an ambiguous, alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

Symbol: The Orchid. Its shape and colour oddly suggest both sexes, its odour is sweet and decadent - it is a tropical flower of evil. Delicate and highly cultivated, it is prized for its rarity; it is unlike any other flower.


What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society

Friday, April 15, 2005

Ask Reese™: April 2005

Hey Reese,

A friend has been annoying me a lot lately. A LOT. I've been patient. Boy, have I been patient. Now that I think about it, she's been annoying me since winter of 2003! During last Spring, we had a talk and things got better. Then, her boyfriend broke up with her, she stopped going to class, school, etc. I did my best to be there for her, but it's a little hard when the person says things like, "cheer me up" "make me happy"...

Everything with her is a problem. She's forever the victim, and about her current situation, she refuses to believe her ex-boyfriend has anything to do with her decision to take time off from school. I just listen. I'm tired, Reese. To make matters worse, she calls, text messages, instant messages, and emails NONSTOP; and she's picking up a lot of my habits, my quirks. To the extent that a friend of mine actually said, "she's totally trying to be you...".

Yesterday, as noted on my blog, I got the nerve to bring up the way she smacks her food when she eats. I know, it's terrible. But it just seemed to get louder and louder! I had to say something. The funny thing is that she later told me that the perfume I was wearing (Chanel N5) "doesn't really work with you"...I was so glad that I needed to go back to work. I need space. Curious about your thoughts…

- Friend of an Annoying Victim


Dear, Friend:

Oh, I know this problem all too well. I have actually lived it! It’s got to be one of the most annoying things in the world to deal with. Your “pal” is suffering from what I like to call “Woe is Me Syndrome.” (WIMS)

WIMS is a terrible disease. It causes your friend to become egocentric- forcing everyone to focus all of their attention on her and her problems. Even when she doesn’t have problems! For example, let’s say your friend is in a horrible plane crash. Everyone dies, except her. In fact, she doesn’t have a scratch on her. Instead of thanking God for her life, you’re friend is likely to text message you this-


Send: 555-555-5555

Message: Woe is me! I’ve just been in a horrible plane crash. Everyone is dead! I survived! But, the worse part is, I lost my luggage! WHY GOD!?! WHY MY LUGGAGE!?!


You see, WIMS distorts her reality. It’s a mental illness really. And, worst of all, it causes associates of WIMS patients to have to deal with this distorted reality. But, luckily, you do have some options when a friend has contracted WIMS. Here are your options:


Option #1

If you would like to remain friends, follow the script below:

You: Look, we need to talk…again.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me! Woe is me!

You: I don’t know how to tell you this…but, I think you should get tested for WIMS.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me! I have WIMS?!?! How do I get rid of it?

You: It’s going to be tough. But, the first thing you have to do is stop calling me. Also, stop text messaging me.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me…

You: Then, call this man. He’s a psychiatrist. You need intensive therapy to get over WIMS. He’ll listen to you so that I don’t have to. And, he’ll give you some great drugs that will make you feel all better.

WIMS: Woe is me! Are you trying to say that I’m crazy? Woe is me!

You: Well, yes. WIMS is characterized by major depression and distorted reality. People who are depressed often use up their social support to the point where they no longer have friends. I want us to still be friends. And, the only way that can happen is if you get some therapy.

WIMS: Woe is me! Okay. I’ll do it.

You: Great. And remember, you don’t have to suffer through WIMS alone.

WIMS: Woe is me! But, you said that I couldn’t talk to you anymore?

You: Well, I guess you do have to suffer through WIMS alone, huh? But, you’ll always have your weekly session with your psychiatrist.

WIMS: Woe!


Option #2

If you don’t care to remain friends, follow this script:

You: Look, we need talk…again.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me! Woe is me!

You: Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…you’ve got WIMS and I can’t stand to be around you anymore.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me! What are you trying to say?

You: I just can’t take it anymore! Everything is ‘Woe is me.’ EVERYTHING! That’s it! It’s over! I cannot be your friend. I’m sorry, but we have to move on.

WIMS Girl: Woe is me! So, that’s it? You just don’t want to be friends anymore?

You: Yea, that’s it. Have a nice life. And, try and get some help with your WIMS.

WIMS Girl: Woe is…

You: Yea, whatever. Latah!


I really like this approach. It employs one of the keys to living a successful life. And that key is called “running away.”

Yes, running away is useful. By running away, all of your problems are behind you. You no longer have to deal with them and your life can start all over again- in peace.

Regardless of which option you choose, I do suggest that you two separate (as in have NO contact) at least for a couple of weeks. That way you can decide if you really want to remain friends with this person or not.

Anyways, I send you my deepest sympathy. I know what it’s like to have to deal with “The Woe.” Here’s hoping you escape without contracting WIMS yourself.

-----------------------------------

Do you have a problem that you need me to fix? Of course you do! You know your life is all screwed up. So, Ask Reese™ by sending me an e-mail at somethingdifferentnow@hotmail.com.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90 [Part 2]

Check Your Baggage at the Door.


[London. Spring, 1893]


Reese: “Oh, my god! C’mon H.G.! I really need to get this time machine fixed.”

H.G. Wells: “It’s been done for a month!”

Reese: “Really?”

H.G. Wells: “Yes, and I’d appreciate it if you would leave my century, please. I have books to write. Books that will eventually become Hollywood blockbusters starring Tom Cruise and that guy from the Count of Monte Christo. Go procrastinate in the 1980’s. Watch some Jem.”

Reese: “You know that’s not a half bad idea.”

H.G. Wells: “Good god! I was just kidding! Geez, if you are the future of mankind, then mankind has no future.”

Reese: “Huh??”

H.G. Wells: “How can mankind progress if humans refuse to do what they’re obligated to do?”

Reese: “Uhhh…”

H.G. Wells: “We’ll probably all become a bunch of mindless idiots that end up as food for our cave-dwelling, ape like cousins.”

Reese: “Whhazzza?”

H.G. Wells: “You’re an idiot.”

Reese: “Uhh…”

H.G. Wells: “Go finish this 2-parter for your blog! Now!”

Reese: “Ooh-kay…”

H.G. Wells: “In the meantime I’m going to write a great novel that I hope will inspire people to not become lazy rif-raft like yourself. I think I’ll call it, The Time Machine.”

Reese: “Oh, that’s original.”

H.G. Wells: “Are you still here?!?! Get to narrating!”

Reese: “Alright, alright! I’m going, I’m going!”


[United States of America. Spring, 2005]

Well, hello there everyone! And welcome to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship. I would have written it sooner, but it took forever for H.G. to fix the time machine…

What?

Okay, so I’ve been chilling in late 19th century Europe for a while. Hey, I needed a vacation. Plus, during my time off I started writing this really cool new series. When I first started writing it, it was really funny. Now, it’s getting all weird and “science-fictiony.” It’s kinda cool though. At least it is in my head. In my head it’s like the major motion picture that…

What??

Oh, yea! Lisa and Mike. Lisa and Mike. Okay, gotta stay focused. I’ve been having problems staying focused lately. It’s like I’m all over the place and…

What?!?!

Oh, right. Okay, Lisa and Mike.

Well, now let’s see. When we last left Lisa and Mike, they were delving into their past relationships. Exploring their baggage, if you will. We learned that Lisa doesn’t have the greatest track record. And, that Karma took the liberty of biting her in the butt a few times due to her lack of commitment. But, I bet you guys didn’t know something? I bet you didn’t know that Karma is planning on biting Mike in the butt too? Oh, yea, it’s true. I had to interview her for this article, so I know.


Reese: “So, tell me Karma- you’ve worked overtime on Lisa, but what about Mike? What big plans do you have for him?”

Karma: “Well, Reese…Oh, and by the way, I love your blog. It’s totally awesome. The best one I have ever read in the known universe. You have good things coming your way. Trust me.”

Reese: “WICKED! Thanx, Karma.”

Karma: “You’re quite welcome. Anyways, as I was saying, Mike hasn’t been the little sweetheart that you mortals think he is.”

Reese: “He hasn’t?”

Karma: “Oh, far from it. Before he dated Lisa, he did something incredibly cruel and evil.”

Reese: “Really? What was it?”

Karma: “Well, I could tell you, but I think it’s better if I show you. C’mon! We can take my time machine.”

Reese: “You have a time machine?!? Oh, man! I wish I had known that before I got stuck in 19th century Europe.”

Karma: “Had to visit H.G., huh? Boy is he a stick in the mud.”

Reese: “I know!”

Karma: “Don’t worry. I’ll get him back for you. I’ll make everyone think that War of the Worlds was created by Orson Welles as a radio broadcast from the 1930’s instead of a novel by H.G. Wells written in the 1800’s.”

Reese: “Oh, Karma! You are so bad!”

Karma: “I know. I should have it coming…but, I’m Karma. So I don’t!”

Reese: “Hahahahaha!”

Karma: “Hahahahaha!! Oh, that was funny. Okay, now let’s go before your audience gets restless.”


[Time Traveling Music]: Dooo-do-doo-do-dooo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo


Karma: “So, do you mind if I take over the narration here?”

Reese: “Not at all. Be my guest.”

Karma: “Thanx!”


{Karma Narrates…}

Okay, so I know that you guys want to know all about Mike’s ex-girlfriends. But, beyond the occasional college senior that he dated in his THIRTIES, there’s really only one ex-girlfriend that you really need to know about. And, she is, perhaps, the most important one of all.

You see, before Lisa, Mike was dating this chick. We’ll call her Amy. Nice girl. She lived in a different state than Mike, so it was a long distance relationship.

Now the funny thing about Mike was his initial description about his relationship with Amy. When he first explained to Lisa why they broke up, he made it seem like it was all because of the distance. That Amy wasn’t willing to move and he wasn’t willing to move, so they broke up. Oh, but there’s more to this story that was a whopping 5 years in the making!

Now, for the women in the audience, I ask you a simple question: What woman, who already has a child, is going to leave her home, to move closer to her boyfriend, without a nice diamond on her finger?

The answer is no woman. It was this casual fact that Mike left out when describing his relationship with Amy to Lisa. For you see, Amy desperately wanted to get married. And, Mike knew this. But, Mike, being the man that he is, and not wanting to be the bad guy, didn’t know how to tell Amy that, while he wanted to get married, he didn’t want to marry her.


[2000] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend


Amy: “So, I think we should talk about this. I really would like to get married.”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “So, you want to get married too?”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “Yes! I’m so happy.”

Mike: “Yea…cool…”


{Karma Narrates…}


Oh, Mike! That was just wrong. That was very, very, very wrong.

Men, why do you do things like this? You lie to some poor girl just so you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable situation of breaking her heart. Just tell her the truth and get it over with. It’s better than doing it the hard way; also known as “Mike’s Way.” Let’s skip ahead a year later- you’ll see what I mean.


[2001] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “So…”

Mike: “So…”

Amy: “Where’s my GD ring!?!?”

Mike: “Yea, about that…See, the thing is, you totally misunderstood me before. You see, I want to get married, I just don’t…

Amy [stewing in seething rage]

Mike: “…want…”

Amy [rage is increasing]

Mike: “…to marry...”

Amy [rage about to boil over]

Mike: “…you...”

Amy [screaming in exploding rage]: “WHAT!?!?”

Mike: “I’m sorry…”

Amy: “DON’T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! WE ARE SO THROUGH!!”


{Karma Narrates…}


So, Amy and Mike broke up…


Ooops!


Wait, I forgot.


They get back together again…


[2002] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “Look, Mike, I’ve been thinking…we should try us out again. Give us a second chance.”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “You do know that I want to get married though, right?”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “Okay. I’m so happy!”

Mike: “Yea…cool…”


{Karma Narrates…}

Yea, I know.

Just…just keep reading…


[2003] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “So…”

Mike: “So…”

Amy: “Where’s my GD ring?!?!”

Mike: “Yea, about that…See, the thing is, you totally misunderstood me before. You see, I was just acknowledging the fact that you want to get married. You see, I want to get married, I just don’t…

Amy [stewing in seething rage]

Mike: “…want…”

Amy [rage is increasing]

Mike: “…to marry…”

Amy [rage about to boil over]

Mike: “…you...”

Amy [screaming in exploding rage]: “WHAT?!?! THEN WHY DID YOU GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME?!?!!?”

Mike [shrugging his shoulders]: “Good question…”

Amy: “DON’T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! WE ARE SO THROUGH!!”


{Karma Narrates…}

So, Mike and Amy finally split up for good. And, Mike moves on from a sure thing in Amy, into a relationship with…


Reese: "LISA!!"


Karma: “Now, I’ve spent a lot of time with Lisa, so I can easily say this: she ain’t no sure thing!”

Reese: “Wow…”

Karma: “Yea, I thought it was bloody brilliant of me to set Mike up with Lisa. I mean, look at him! He’s in love with the one woman who NEVER falls in love.”

Reese: “Wow, Karma. That’s kinda mean.”

Karma: “Hey, the Bible doesn’t say you reap what you sow for nothing.”

Reese: “I guess not.”

Karma: “Yea, that’s right- I’m a “BE-OTCH!!” Hehehe…So, anyways, Reese, why don’t you do a little recap for the good people?”

Reese: “Okay!”


Lisa’s Baggage: Many boyfriends, but not a true feeling of commitment in the bunch.

Mike’s Baggage: Avoided telling a long time flame that he didn’t want to marry her for 5 years. Now dating a girl who can’t admit she’s his girlfriend, isn’t in love with him, and doesn’t want him to say that he’s in love with her. Ouch!


So, what do you guys think? Can these two check all of this baggage at the door and make this relationship work?



Karma & Reese: "Hahaha!"



Karma & Reese: "Hahahahahahahahaha!!"



Reese: “Oh, that’s so funny! The idea that this would actually work. Oh, gosh, there are actually tears streaming down my face due to the immense hilarity of such a proposition.”


Karma & Reese: "Hahahahahahahahahaha!!"



Reese: “Okay, okay. Stay tuned to our next installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 91 to Day 120. The Fight that Really Wasn’t.”



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Reese Lesson #3: Never Talk to Your Little Sister About Junk

My goodness! I just can't stop posting this week!


So, I always forget to never have long conversations with my sister. She always gives me bad advice...



Reese: "Don't you hate it when you say stuff and people completely misunderstand you? It's frustrating, isn't it?"

CC: "Did someone misunderstand you?"

Reese: "Yeah..."

CC: "You know what you should do?"

Reese: "No?"

CC: "Kick their asses!"

Reese: "What?!?"

CC: "You should kick their asses!"

Reese: "Oh, geez..."

CC: "Just tell them to shut the hell up and then kick their asses!"

Reese: "Let me get this straight. I tell them to shut-up..."

CC: "Yea."

Reese: "And then, I kick their butt?"

CC: "YEA!"

Reese: "And what happens if I tell them to shut-up and they do? Do I still kick their butts?"

CC: "HELL, YEA!"

Reese: "Why?"

CC: "Because they had it coming!"

Reese: "Really? Well, I don't think I'm going to be doing that. Because, it would be stupid. And, also, because it would be stupid."

CC: "You're such a punk."

Reese: "I am not a punk!"

CC: "Yes, you are. You're always using words as violence, instead of using violence as violence."

Reese: "'Violence as violence?' Wow. Please, continue..."

CC: "Okay, so using words to destory a person's self-esteem, I mean yea, that's creative I suppose. But, sometimes, you just need to use your fist and knock someone out!"

Reese: "Right..."

CC: "You should listen to me. Then you wouldn't be such a punk."

Reese: "Can you tell me something? When did accountants become so violent?"

CC: "We accountants are bad asses! Didn't you know?"

Reese: "No, I didn't."

CC: "You better recognize, fool!"




Sigh.



I can't believe we're even related sometimes.






© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

There's About to Be a Girlfight!!

Okay, so Desperate Housewives is like one of my favorite shows. I mean, I LOVE this show. So, I was really upset to hear that the actresses on the show don't really love each other all that much. And, this is actually true and not a rumor. All of the drama revealed itself at this Vanity Fair photoshoot, and...well...I'll let you read for yourself. And, once you're done reading, I'm hoping we can start taking bets for how long before one of the original Desperate Housewives leaves the show (and no, we are not counting "Eddie" as she is NOT one of the Desperate Housewives).

---------------------------------------------------

NEW YORK (AP) — They may appear sultry and ready for summer on the May cover of Vanity Fair, but according to the magazine, the stars of ABC's Desperate Housewives were actually steaming angry.

Vanity Fair's cover proclaims: "You wouldn't believe what it took just to get this photo!" The article acknowledges that the poolside photo-shoot, in which the five women appear in different colored bathing suits, was manned by an ABC representative who was to make sure that certain demands were met — including that Teri Hatcher didn't select her wardrobe first or appear in the center of any group photo.

"Whatever you do," the ABC rep, who wasn't identified by name, said when he arrived on the set, "do not let Teri go to wardrobe first."

Despite the rep's plea, Hatcher was the first "housewife" to visit wardrobe, and she had consulted with the stylist days in advance. At one point, the rep proclaimed: "This is a problem. I'm getting text messages from Eva (Longoria). Everything is not fine."

The struggles continued once the photographer started snapping. Redhead Marcia Cross turned red-hot when she saw Hatcher standing next to her in the center of the shot, according to the article. Cross grabbed her bathrobe and stormed off, spewing expletives at the ABC rep.

Hatcher later walked to the other end of the set, where "she got into a tearful, heated conversation on her cell phone."

In the fold-out May cover, which hits newsstands April 12, the center position belongs to Nicollette Sheridan, who's flanked by Hatcher and Cross with Longoria and Felicity Huffman posed beneath them on a chaise — although Cross and Huffman can't be seen when the cover is folded.

Also in the article, the women discuss the media blitz surrounding the show and its stars. Huffman believes a Desperate backlash is imminent while Cross just ignores it all.

"Honestly, I don't read it," Cross told Vanity Fair of the media coverage. "And I don't even watch the show right now. It's too much. It's just too much..."

------------------------------

LOL! "Whatever you do, do not let Teri go to wardrobe first!" That's hilarious!

Okay, so, I'm taking predictions. Put your's in now. How long before the Desperate Housewives split up? I'm going to say that by the end of next season, one of these chicks is gone. Bonus points if you pick which one will leave first.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

One Shining Moment

Well, it's over. March Madness and the tournament officially ended last night.

I'm so depressed.

Seriously, I always get like this when the tournament ends because I know that I'll have to wait until Thanksgiving for the new basketball season. And yes, while I did curse the court that college basketball is played on, I still really loved the tournament this year, as I do every year.

Shout out to North Carolina. I knew they were going to win. I mean, I don't even know how anyone could pick a team other than North Carolina to win this year. UNC had Sean May. And, the other teams didn't. It was really that simple people.


Okay, now, it is one shining moment for the winner of the Something Different Bracket Challenge. And the winner is....


Team Persaud!!


Whoo-hoo! Way to go Shawna! You totally spanked everyone! Winning by a whopping 19 points!

And, by the way Shawna, you totally owe me as I told you who to pick to win. ;)


Anyways, here are the standings:

  1. Team Persaud (129 Points)
  2. Team Lewis (110 Points/40 Correct Picks)
  3. The Fighting Jerks (110 Points/ 37 Correct Picks)
  4. Team Law Girl (105 Points/ I'm actually quite happy with my placing as this is the best I've EVER done in a bracket challenge)
  5. Team Williams (88 Points)
  6. I Plan to Win!! (87 Points/ Hey, Lisa! At least you were in 1st place for a week!)
  7. Toya De's Playas (87 Points/ Toya, you could have beat Lisa if you picked a better total score for the final game. But, it's cool. There's always next year.)
  8. Team McClellan (84 Points)
  9. Team Wilson (72 Points; Oh, LQ. For shame!)
  10. Team Aguilar (57 Points)
  11. Valley of the Sun (55 Points)
  12. Pony Ranch (50 Points)
  13. Team from Cairo (0 Points/Dude, what happened? You didn't pick any teams. Make sure you pick teams next year! ;)



Alright! There you have it. Now, I know I said that the winner of the Something Different Bracket Challenge gets a spoiler for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship. Well, considering that Team Persaud is my friend and she's going to find out the deal with this relationship anyways, and Team Lewis is Lisa's cousin so he already knows what the deal is, then it's only fair that Jerk of All Trades gets the spoiler. So, J, if you really want to know, e-mail me and I'll give you a big secret.



So, that's it.



Sadly, basketball is over.



For the next few weeks, I'll be sulking due to my state of sports related boredom. Just thought you should know.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Reese's Secret Disney Guide Book: Chapter 1

Disney, Incorporated and everything it represents is supposed to convey happiness. But, on the inside, this corporation actually conveys something else.

Something, less…happy.


Chapter 1: Disney is Evil


Yes, Disney, Inc. is actually an evil corporation. I think it is the most evil of all corporations. Even attorneys hate Disney. When I was in law school, any case we read that involved Disney would actually make our professors recoil into their podiums. Yes, Disney has that kind of effect on people. But, why, you may be asking yourselves. Why is Disney so evil?

Well, it’s mainly Disney’s policies and actions that make it evil. Just look at how it treats its workers. Disney employees are nothing but indentured servants to this company. Really, it’s written into their contracts:

“Thou shalt be indentured to the services of master, Disney, for the termeth of 13 yeareths. And, if thoueth shall run away on the underground railroad to Universal Studios, thoueth will hath neglected master’s terms and then shall becometh a slave upon Pluto sniffing ye out and bringing ye’s sorry behind back to the Magical Plantation…uhh…thee means Magical Kingdom. As a slave, thee servant shall be endowed with all of the pain and heartache which is common of ye master’s slaves.”

Anyways, here are some real world examples of Disney’s evilness.

First, Disney employees' hair can only be so long. Like it can’t go past your chin or something for women; for men, it can’t go past the ears. Additionally, the women cannot wear make-up that’s not the same color as their flesh. Which, really, what’s the point of wearing make-up if it’s the same color as your skin? You might as well not have any on. Also, women can’t wear skirts that are more than ½ mm above their knees. Ridiculous! But, it gets better.

The male employees cannot have any facial hair whatsoever (unless, they’re one of the Pirates of the Caribbean or playing Abraham Lincoln or something at Epcot Center). And, don’t even get me started on how Disney treats its interns...

Okay, see, now you got me started, so now I have to tell you how Disney treats its interns.

Well, Disney treats its interns like crappity-crap-crap. Yes, it is possible to be treated exactly like crappity-crap-crap. And, I’ll show you how.

To treat someone like crappity-crap-crap first become a multi-billion dollar corporation. Next, invite innocent, inspiring, business students to come work for you in your “Business Administration” department. Once the students accept this great opportunity, you must tell them there are some minor rules that they must follow. Like…

* Student interns only get paid minimum wage and that as a multi-billion dollar corporation, you’re working on getting the government to excuse you from this requirement.

* Students must live on your corporation’s property. Why? Because you said so. Of course, living on your property is hilariously expensive. So, student interns will have to bunk up, 7 people to a small 1 bedroom/loft. And, of course, this little arrangement makes it so that the little money you do pay the student interns goes right back into your fat pocket.


Yes, it’s true. You have sold your soul to the devil.


* Finally, while you promise your new interns that they will be completing a business administration program, in reality, they’re really just back-up dancers, gift shop cashiers, and oversized Disney characters in case one of your indentured servants gets sick and, therefore, murdered and mysteriously proclaimed missing, by you.


Here’s another way you can treat your workers like crappity-crap-crap that involves risking their lives (and, no murdering your workers isn’t risking their lives, silly; it’s taking their lives- as punishment).

* First, come up with a cartoon character that everyone loves that does things, that if done in the real world by a real person, would probably kill that person. Let’s use flying, skinny as Mary-Kate Olsen, “Tinkerbell” as an example.

* Next, come up with a spectacular fireworks show that will enthrall your theme park guests and which has an equally spectacular stunt at the end of the show.

* Employ a young girl who is about 5 feet tall and 90 pounds as Tinkerbell. Then, make her lose 10 more pounds. Then sign her to a contract which tells her that she must remain 80 pounds for the life of her contract.

* Here’s the really sinister part. Tie up your 80-pound “Tink” to a rope. At the end of the fireworks show, as the fire is reigning down from heaven, have about 4 interns literally push the roped up Tink out of a 20 story building. That way it looks like she’s flying to the top of Cinderella’s castle and swishing her wand, just like the cartoon Tink does whenever the Disney logo appears on TV or in the movies.

Next, as Tink comes flying back at 100 miles per hour, have the 4 interns catch her with some soiled mattresses that you found at the local dump.

Do this to Tink every night of every year. If she ever dies, well, see “Chapter 3: Don’t Die at Disney, Because You Can’t."


And, so, as you can see, you haven't a worry in the world. As a mutli-billion dollar corporation named Disney, you’ve got everything taken care of.


Disney really is the corporate personification of evil. For further information on treating your workers like crappity-crap-crap, please see “Chapter 4: Pocahontas is Black."




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.