Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Reese the Law Girl's Idiot of the Year

I’m starting a new award. It’s called Idiot of the Year (in case you didn’t read the title). The Idiot of the Year is the person…

Wait, let’s be for real.

The Idiot of the Year is the man who was able to make the wrong decision each and every time he spoke or acted without anyone else’s outside influence (Sorry, Bush had too much help to win this award). This year’s IDIOT OF THE YEAR is…


Yes, that’s right people. Kobe Bryant personified idiocy this year. Every time he did anything, he made sure he did it stoopidly (stoopidly being the ultimate form of stupidity). Let’s have a recap shall we?

1) Kobe Bryant Got Himself Accused of Rape: Okay, technically the alleged incident happened in 2003, but the bulk of the good gossip happened in 2004.

The transcript of Kobe’s police interview was released this summer after the criminal trial was dismissed. Now, I don’t know if you all read it or not, but it’s full of great moments.

Like the time the police asked Kobe if he used protection when having sex with this random girl. Kobe simply replied no- that he “didn’t have any.” This fact alone makes him an idiot. But, wait there’s more.

There’s also the time that Kobe attempted to defend himself to the police by referring to his other affairs. You see, the police wanted to know why Kobe chocked the victim, I mean alleged victim. Kobe said, that’s just the way he liked to have sex. He then told the police that if they didn’t believe him they should go ask Michelle.

Now, Michelle is not his wife or anything. Michelle is the chick he has sex with in New York. He likes to strangle her when he has sex with her. And, according to Kobe, the police just “…[had] to go talk to this girl Michelle” about the “..strangling thing.” Michelle would vouch for Kobe. Yes, his mistress is his best character witness.

Idiot. No wait, freak idiot.

And, let’s not forget the off the record remark Kobe made to the police about his best friend Shaquile O’Neal. Kobe allegedly told the police that he didn’t understand what the big deal was. Shaq is always allowed to pay off the women he sleeps with/rapes/strangles/does whatever with. Now, you’re probably wondering what Shaq has to do with Kobe’s case? Well, Shaq has absolutely nothing to do with the allegations against Kobe! So why did Kobe try to rat Shaq out or make him look bad? Because, silly, that’s just the kind of guy Kobe is. He’s a vindictive idiot. No wait, a freak, vindictive, idiot.

And, speaking of Shaq…

2) Kobe Bryant Gets the Lakers to Fire 2 Hall of Famers: Now, while it’s true that Shaq and Phil Jackson were not technically fired, let’s be honest with ourselves here. Shaq and Phil were fired.

Yes, Kobe no longer thought it was important enough to get along with the 2 people who were integral to helping him get those 3 fat NBA championship rings on his fingers. For Kobe, one of the best centers in history and perhaps the best NBA coach in history were just dead weight. Kobe wanted a team of his own. A team where he would be the only one to dribble the ball and make the shots. In other words, a team that sucks.

Well, Kobe got just what he asked for. And, in the process, began to separate himself from the rest of the pack as this year’s true idiot.

And, finally, the icing on the cake…

3) Kobe Defends His Wife’s Honor: Yes, just this past week, the idiot that everyone loves decided that his wife’s honor was actually worth protecting. Of course, I didn’t even know that Kobe’s wife had any honor left after Kobe had bi-coastal strangulation sex with several other women. But, I don’t know a lot of things, and evidently there’s still some honor that’s worth saving. It must not be a lot which is why Kobe is so protective of it. Anyways, here’s the crux of this journey into lunacy.

You see, fellow Laker, and Hall of Famer, Karl Malone had been injured this NBA season. He’s been healing nicely and thought he would be back as a Laker to contribute to the team this year. Silly, Karl Malone. You can’t be a Hall of Famer and play with Kobe Bryant!

Kobe went on the radio and basically said that he was pretty sure that Karl Malone would not be back. That he knew based on that stellar intuition of his (yes, he really did use the word intuition). You know? The intuition that told him to have unprotected sex with an arbitrary girl and that his team would be better off without Shaquile O’Neal and Phil Jackson.

Anyways, Kobe went on to say that it wasn’t fair for Malone to come back to the Lakers. Something about the other Lakers were looking over their shoulder, not knowing where they stood with the team because Malone may or may not be coming back. Of course, this would be true if all the other players were as stupid as Kobe. But, I’m pretty sure they’re not. (Future Hall of Famer, at 100%, is coming back to play for the Lakers. Am I, a kid 1 year removed from junior high school, still going to be a starter? Hmmm, don’t think so).

But, anyways, Kobe just felt the need to tell the whole world about the injustice that was occurring to his fellow teammates. What he didn’t tell the whole world, yet, was that just in case these very public remarks weren’t enough to get rid of Malone, some private words would.

You see, Kobe also privately called Malone and told him to never make a pass at his wife again. According to Kobe, Malone made some very rude remarks to his wife. The Bryant’s (that’s what they call themselves now) stated that Malone came over to Vanessa (that’s not a mistress, that’s Kobe’s wife) during a game and asked her for a hug. Malone then allegedly said he was "hunting little Mexican girls." Now, I’m not saying that Malone did not come onto Vanessa (who is Mexican by the way), but in my opinion those remarks don’t necessarily make me think Malone is a psycho stalker either. But, we’re not even at the stoopid part yet.

So, Malone, guessing from public and private comments, that Kobe doesn’t want him around, made a statement that he will not be returning to the Lakers. Malone said that Kobe’s statements to the media, and Kobe’s private statements to him, have led to his decision to not return to the team. So, how does Kobe react to Malone’s decision? Well, think about the dumbest thing you could possibly do or say in this situation. Do you have it yet? Okay, good. Now, that’s what Kobe did.

Yes, our idiot in purple and gold decided that he just had to run to the media and tell the whole world that the “private comments” Malone referred to was Bryant’s accusation that Malone hit on Vanessa. Bryant just had to let everyone know about his wife’s new humiliation. Why did Kobe do this? So he could defend his wife’s honor? No way. More like because it’s always about Kobe.

I don’t know, but I’m thinking that if my husband’s fellow teammate hit on me, to the point where I was “uncomfortable being around him” and thoroughly embarrassed, I wouldn’t want my husband to tell the whole world about it. Fortunately, though, I’m not married to Kobe Bryant- a man who does the exact opposite of what he’s supposed to.

As a side note, here are some classic quotes from Kobe about this whole situation. They just sting of hypocrisy.

"He was like a mentor, like a brother to me, so when something like that happens, you're upset, you're hurt." You mean you feel betrayed, right Kobe? Gee, I wonder if there is anyone else that you know, that you live with, that bore your child, that might feel the same way? Hmmm??

"Stay away from my wife. What's wrong with you? How could you?" This is what Kobe said to Malone. I imagine this is what Vanessa said to Kobe when he told her he had unprotected sex with some haphazard hotel chick in Colorado. “Stay away from me. What’s wrong with you? How could you?”

"If he [Malone] could come back and play for us and help us out, I'm happy to embrace him as a teammate. But only as a teammate." Of course, Kobe. No one thought you’d actually be friends with one of your teammates.

So, there you have it folks. I know no other person that deserves this “honor” more than this man.

For always making the wrong decision.

For always sticking his foot in his mouth.

For doing the best impression of the Boston Strangler.

2004’s Idiot of the Year-

Kobe Bryant.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 2 to Day 28.

Are We a Couple?

And, welcome again guys and dolls to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our hopeless couple, they were hopelessly pondering a second date. As you may remember, Lisa wasn’t feeling any sparks from Mike during the first date. And Mike wasn’t really feeling Lisa’s bitchiness. So, would Lisa and Mike make it to a second date? Well, obviously yes since this is a series of articles tracking a relationship. Really, people, let’s start using our thinking caps.

Okay, so like I said before Mike wasn’t really digging Lisa. He thought she was very bitchy. Now, let me tell you that this analysis is correct. Lisa is really bitchy. I mean, I know this for a fact. When I first met her, I thought she was seriously abrasive. Totally lacking in appropriate social skills. I wondered to myself, “Should I really give this girl a second chance to be my friend? I mean, she would be lucky as dirt to be my friend, so maybe I should. But, she’s such a bitch. I don’t know…” But, then Lisa and I went to the movies, and hung out, and talked on the phone about boys and stupid people, and then became the best of friends. But, this isn’t about me, so let’s go back to what Mike was thinking.

Well, Mike wondered if he could ever get to the point where he could go to the movies with Lisa, and talk to her on the phone about boys and stupid people, and become the best of friends with her. Mike really was confused about what to do, but luckily some divine intervention helped him realize the decision he should make.

You see, Mike prayed to the god of the fortune cookie one night. He asked, “Should I ever date Lisa again?” And do you know what the fortunate cookie said???

I don’t know! Something about “the thing that you want the most in life is right in front of your face, idiot!” or something like that.

So, inspired by the fortune cookie, Mike decided to give Lisa another chance; and, so, Mike and Lisa scheduled another date.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what Lisa’s feelings were regarding a second date. Well, from my “interviews” of Lisa and Mike, I’ve decided that Lisa’s feelings here don’t really matter to this part of the story, so we’re just going to skip that part.

Okay, so here’s where it gets good. Lisa and Mike go out on a second date. And a third date. And a fourth date! These kids are really starting to dig each other.

So, all is going well. Each one thinks the other is cool and all. So, you know what time it is? Oh, yea, it’s time to get their freak on.


Okay, folks, Lisa is ready for it. And Mike is ready for it. But, how do they let the other person know that they are ready for it? Well, the conversation went a little something like this (Note: Lisa and Mike have suddenly gotten all “private” regarding this aspect of their relationship so I have been forced to imagine what this conversation went like).

Lisa: “Mike, I was thinking…”

Mike: “Yea, I was thinking too...”

Lisa: “So, um, well, I’ll just come out and say it. Mike, will you fornicate with me tonight?”

Mike: “Lisa, I would love to fornicate with you tonight!!”

Lisa: “Oh, Mike, I’m ever so happy.”

Mike: “Oh, Lisa, you just don’t know how giddy I am.”

Lisa: “Now, Mike, there is one condition attached to this agreement.”

Mike: “Well, Lisa, darling what is it?”

Lisa: “Well, Mike, if you fornicate with me tonight then you must promise to never fornicate with anyone else or date anyone else, unless we break up. For safety reasons of course. A girl’s just got to protect herself, you know?”

Mike: “Lisa, I promise. From this moment on, I will only ever fornicate with and date you. Unless we break up.”

Lisa: “Hooray!”

[Cue bad porn music: boim chicka boim chicka boim boim boim]

Lisa: “Well, Mike, that was pretty good.”

Mike: “Thanks, Lisa. I always give a 110%. You know, I’m so happy that we’re a couple now…”

[Cue tires coming to a screeching halt]

Lisa: “A couple?!?! Who the [beep] said we were a couple? Just ‘cause we fornicatin’ don’t make us no couple. What the hell!?!?”

Mike: “But you said…”

Lisa: “I ain’t say [beep]. Look, I gotta go. I have a case real early…it’s uh, a murder case…multiple murderers…trial of the century really…I haven’t really prepared, so umm, I’ll see you later. Peace.”

And there she left him. That cold, heartless bitch left that poor, poor pathetic boy all alone not sure if he had a girlfriend or not.

Well, actually, I’m not really sure if it all went down like that….

I know! Let’s pretend that it did. If Lisa asks you anything, just lie to her and say that you don’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth. It’ll be our little secret. ;)

Later that day, Lisa would talk to her favorite Judge (we’ll call her Judge Judy) about her boyfriend’s silly notion that they were a couple. I mean, just because two people have been dating each other, decide to do it, and agree to only do it amongst themselves and not date other people, doesn’t mean you’re a couple does it?

Judge Judy quickly told Lisa not to punch her in the stomach and call it ab crunches! Of course they are a couple!! Lisa, not believing the high and mighty, then decided to consult the low and weak.

Lisa: “Reese, we’re not like really a couple are we? I mean, we’ve only been dating for like 4 weeks. Surely, it is too soon to be a couple?”

Reese: “You know, did it ever occur to you that I have problems of my own? Why do you think I should just be available to you…”

Lisa: “C’mon Reese. It’s not like you’re doing anything. You ain’t got no job.”

Reese: “I hate you.”

Lisa: “So, are we a couple?”

Reese: “Not only are you a couple. But, I actually think you’re on your way to becoming a married couple.”

Lisa: “WHAT!!”

Reese: “Whoops, sorry, gotta run. Hope my advice helped.” [click]

Okay, now, I didn’t really hang up on Lisa. I don’t really think that she and Mike are going to get married. But, they are definitely a couple. I mean, if two people who date and sleep with each other exclusively are not a couple, then I don’t know what a couple is. Which is quite possible. I don’t know a lot of things.

Anyways, 2 weeks after this debacle, Lisa was finally able to admit that she and Mike were actually a couple. Although, she wouldn’t let Mike actually say they were a couple. And no one was allowed to refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend. And she never really admitted to any of her friends that she was in a relationship. But, those are just the finer points. The overall realization of “coupledom” was there.

Anyhoo, Lisa and Mike are now a full fledged, fornicating couple. Whew! Who knew they would make it this far?

In our next installment things start getting really “emotional” for our favorite couple. Stay tuned for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 29 to Day 35. Those 3 Damning Words.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Let Them Eat Steroids

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the infamous “BALCO” case. You know? The one with all of the athletes that allegedly used steroids that were created at the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative (BALCO) in San Francisco? Allegedly, high profile athletes such as Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, and Barry Bonds all took some sort of cream and other hormone-inducing crack rocks to become the great performers that they are today.

Now, let me say, right off the bat, that I do not support cheating. Cheating is wrong. People should win fair and square. That being said, I think this whole “BALCO” thing smells like a Bush win in Ohio.

These athletes should not be chastised for taking steroids. We should encourage more athletes to take steroids! Have you seen the things that Barry Bonds can do when he’s on steroids? On steroids, he was able to beat Willie May's homerun record. That record had been standing since slavery!! Okay, not since slavery, but since the time of the Negro leagues, I’m pretty sure. And, Marion Jones? She won how many gold medals at the Sydney Olympics? A lot, let me tell you. She won a lot.

Now, I know some of you are shocked (I can see you judging me with your eyes). But, really, just think about this for a second. Major League Baseball, the Olympics, the NFL, every major sporting group or whatever is really just a glorified freak show. In fact, history tells us that the demise of the freak show was due to professional sports (See article “Let Them Eat Steroids” as a reference for this fact).

We like to see baseballs fly out of the parks and into car windshields. We like to see Olympians run 100 meters under 10 seconds. Do you know why? Because we can’t do that stuff. I know I can’t run 100 meters in 10 seconds. I can’t even run 100 meters. But, I thoroughly enjoy watching the freaks do it; because it’s awesome.

So, instead of pointing our collective fingers at the freaks and calling them cheats, I say let’s give them a round of applause. We should have more mutants in the Olympic Games. I want to see what Jean Grey can do on the uneven bars. Could Quicksilver beat the Flash in the 100 meter dash? These are questions that desperately need to be answered.

So, people, let’s save our righteous indignation for those who truly deserve it. The weak athletes who refuse to eat the steroids. For it is they who are the true disappointment.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day (-)120 to Day 1.

The First Dare, I mean Date.

Meet Lisa and Mike (names have been changed to protect the thoroughly embarrassed). Lisa is a 26 year old Assistant District Attorney for a red state down South. Mike is a 32 year old Solo Practitioner for a red state down South. Yes, Lisa and Mike are both attorneys; and, yes, this relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Lisa and Mike met when they were going head to head against each other in court. Lisa was trying put a drug dealer who sold drugs to children in jail. Mike was trying to ensure the drug dealer’s current position as the number one supplier for the local public school.

No, no, no, I’m just kidding. That’s not true. But, wouldn’t it be funny if it was?

Okay, back to the real story. Lisa and Mike did meet each other on a case. She was the prosecutor, he was the defense attorney. Lisa thought Mike was cute, Mike thought Lisa was cute, blah, blah, blah. After the case, Lisa and Mike never really saw each other. No phone calls, no silly giggling, no bumping into each other at the court house intentionally, no nothing.

Fast forward 4 months. Lisa is having a debate with her fellow Assistant District Attorneys. Her co-workers are discussing if and when women should ask a dude out. Lisa bragged that she does it all the time. Lisa lies a lot, so her co-workers don’t believe her.

No, no, no, I’m just kidding. That’s not true. But, wouldn’t it be funny if we had a compulsive liar in this story?

Okay, back to the real story. So, Lisa’s co-workers don’t believe her. Lisa told them that it’s really true- she has no problem asking guys out on dates. So, her co-workers, attempting to catch Lisa in an exaggeration, and also because this conversation was more important then getting criminals off the street, dare Lisa to call a random guy and ask him out on a date. Lisa takes that dare and she decides to call that cute defense attorney she met 4 months ago.

So, Lisa calls Mike. Right there, in her office, in front of all of her co-workers. She asked Mike if he was interested in going out with her. He said definitely sense he had nothing better to do. Thus, this journey into denial and wishy-washiness was born.

On their first date, Lisa and Mike went to see a movie(“Hero” according to Lisa). And, in celebration of seeing a Chinese movie, Lisa and Mike then went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. And what was Lisa and Mike’s first impression of each other? Well, it didn’t look good folks.

Lisa thought the date was nothing special. She wondered if this “blah-ness” also translated into the bedroom.

No, no, no I’m just kidding...

Or am I? (duh, duh, dunnnnn!!).

Yes, I am just kidding. Geesh, I thought you would know me by now.

Anyways, Mike thought Lisa was a psycho bitch and mean. He wasn’t sure if he’d go out with her again.

So, will Mike go out with Lisa again? Will Lisa learn to control her psycho, bitchiness? What’s going on in the bedroom? Stay tuned to these and other developments in our next installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 2 to Day 28. Are We a Couple?

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship

You are witness to a great event! Probably the first time this has ever been done. Well, that’s probably not true, but it’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like this. And sense it’s all about me people, then my first time, is the world’s first time.

In the spirit of reality television, I’ve created reality blogging. Now, you might say, “Reese, blogging is reality.” But, is that really the case? Is blogging stories told by objective people who edit what they like and when they like to suit their own purpose? No. So, just as it is done in reality TV, I have now, officially created, reality blogging.

Over the course of the next, I don’t know I’m guessing 6 months tops, I’m going to be tracking the romantic, committed, “coupledom” of one of my best friends and her boyfriend. Sense I already do so every other day when I talk to her on the phone, I thought I’d write about it in my blog. We have the unique opportunity to see this relationship develop from the very beginning, to its most, assuredly, unfortunate demise.

So, I’ll be tracking their relationship and imparting my own analysis along the way. I’m not sure how this helps me grow as a person, but it just sounded like a fun thing to do. I certainly hope you enjoy it.

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Reese the Law Girl's Songs of 2004

Okay, here's my annual list of the Songs of the Year. As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for R. Kelly's "Ignition Remix" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.

This year's SONG OF THE YEAR is...

[a hush comes over the crowd]

It was a close call as a late entrant almost stole it from the sure thing, but in the end, the winner is, the best SONG OF THE YEAR goes to, the person or persons who had Reese jamming for the whole Spring and Summer, she just couldn't get enough....

You know, it's really hard to come up with a Song of the Year. I mean, it's a painstaking process for me, because I love so much music.


"Let's Get it Started" by the Black Eyed Peas

Whoo! Alright! That's my SONG OF THE YEAR folks. If you don't agree, then place your comments below and tell me what your song of the year was.

As an added bonus, my CD OF THE YEAR goes to.....

"Love, Angel, Music, Baby" by Gwen Stefani. You should check it out. Especially if you like 80's pop.

The runner-ups for SONG OF THE YEAR are below. I encourage you to go to your peer to peer file sharing system and steal them illegally.

Just kidding, of course!! Wait until the RIAA stops suing people, and then steal them illegally. ;)



“Breathe” – Fabolous

“Celebrity” – Twista

“Drop it Like It’s Hot” – Snoop f/t Ferrell

"Golden" - Jill Scott

“Get Out” – JoJo

“Hey Mama” – Black Eyed Peas

“Jesus Walks” – Kanye West

“Let’s Go” – Trick Daddy f/t Lil’ Jon & Twista

“Lose My Breath” – Destiny’s Child

“Meant to Live” – Switchfoot

“Ocean Avenue” – Yellow Card

“Sunday Morning” – Maroon 5

“Take You Home” – Terror Squad

“The Reason” – Hoobastank

“Used to Love U” – John Legend

“What You Waiting For” – Gwen Stefani

(C) Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.