Monday, February 28, 2005

Reese Lesson #1: Never Tell Your Doctor That You're a Lawyer

[Sigh]


Whoa is me! Whoa is me!

Why did I open my big mouth? And, it’s not like I said it to scare him or anything. I mean, he asked me how my work was. I told him the truth and then casually let it slip that I was a lawyer. I should have known I was doomed, DOOMED, from that point on.


[Sigh]


I got a root canal on Saturday.

Oh, my poor tooth! It was cracked and was sensitive to hot and cold. It needed repair. So, I go to my dentist. All is going well. He finishes up and adds this little bit:

Dr. Cute Middle Eastern Dentist (aka Dr. CMED): “So, I’ll put the crown on the next time you come in.”

Reese: “Cool beans! You know, that wasn’t so bad.”

Dr. CMED: “Yea, not so bad. Oh, there is just this one thing. There’s a metal file stuck in your tooth. Okay, c-ya Thursday.”

Reese: “WHAT!”

Dr. CMED: “See, what had happened was…”


Wait, now you know something bad is about to be said anytime somebody starts a sentence with “what had happened was…”


[Sigh]


Dr. CMED: “See, what had happened was, the little metal file I use to measure your canals?”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

Dr. CMED: “Well, it got stuck…in your canal.”

Reese [in stunned silence]: “Uh-huh…”

Dr. CMED: “It happens sometimes. When you come back, I’ll try to get it out. If I can’t get it out, then we’ll just leave it in.”

Reese: “Soooo… is it going to hurt or get infected or something?”

Dr. CMED: “I don’t think so.”

Reese: “Well, then, whatever. As long as there’s no pain and infection, then we’re good.”

Dr. CMED: “Whew! I’m glad you’re taking this well. Besides, it’s your entire fault anyways.”

Reese: “What! How’s this my fault?”

Dr. CMED: “You jinxed me!”

Reese: “I did not!”

Dr. CMED: “Yes, you did.”

Reese: “No, I didn’t!”

Dr. CMED: “Yes, you did! You were all, “I’m scared, please do a really good job. Oh, and I’m a lawyer and I’ll sue you.”

Reese: “I never said that!”

Dr. CMED: “Well, that’s what it sounded like…in my head.”

Reese: “You suck, Dr. CMED.”

Dr. CMED: “Yea, whatever jinxey.”

Reese: “Yea, whatever.”

Dr. CMED: “See, you Thursday?”

Reese: “2:00 okay?”


So, I go back Thursday to “possibly” get the metal file out and to get a crown. Anyways, I’m not so worried about it anymore. I talked to someone in my network of “fellow high school graduates who made something of themselves.” She’s a dentist, and said that sometimes these things do happen. That he’ll try to get it out and if he doesn’t it probably is best to leave it in. And, that everything, “probably,” will be okay.


[Sigh]


I should’ve never told him I was a lawyer.





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Check it Out- Edition 3

Wow, this is some fast turnover! Here's your next edition of Check it Out.

So, did you think I was done recommending the blogs of my sucias? Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there's one more.

Her name is Caro and she's got a wicked cool blog, called Breathe. I'm placing Breathe in this edition of Check it Out so, one day, when Caro wins the Pulitzer, I can get interviewed by the NY Times or the Washington Post and lie and say that I discovered her.

Reese: "Yes, I knew talent when I saw it. I knew that the world must know. Where would she be if I hadn't found her? Who knows??"

LOL!

Believe me, Caro doesn't need my recommendation. I'd say her blog is probably the closest thing I've found to a blog becoming literary art (Leslye's vlog would be video art ;). So, it's existential, and introspective, and, yes, even "savvy." Make sure you Check Out "Breathe."

Now, let's travel across the Atlantic, shall we? To a magical place called "Ireland."

My best European friend (in fact, probably the only European friend that I have), who's going by the name "The Man with the Plan" (I call him Plan Man), has just started a really funny blog. It's called a thousand words about nothing. Much like my blog, it's thoughts are random, but, unlike my blog, more useful in your everyday life. I mean, where else are you going to learn "How to Win a Pub Argument in 3 Easy Steps?" Nowhere else, but here. So, Check it Out.

Alright, so we've got Breathe and a thousand words about nothing. You'd be a fool if you didn't Check Them Out. Okay, maybe not a fool, but when you get some time, I think they're good reads. They are in the "Links" section.

Check it Out- Edition 2

Oh, man! Oh, man! I’m sooooo behind on this blog. Lucky for you guys, today is a snow day and I got to stay home from work. Dude, here’s your latest Check it Out.

So, I have come across some totally awesome blogs that I think you all should read.

The first is from my sucia, Karla. And, right now you’re saying “What’s a ‘sucia’?” Well, my spanishlly challenged pal, a sucia is a girl who is obsessed with Alisa Valdez-Rodriguez’ books so much that she talks to other obsessed girls on an e-mail list about Ms. Rodriguez almost everyday (the word "sucia" actually means something else, but if you want to know you’ll have to read The Dirty Girls’ Social Club by Alisa Valdez-Rodriguez; did I mention that I love Alisa Valdez-Rodriguez?).

Anyways, Karla’s blog, Real Women Have Curves, charts her commitment and recommitment to getting fit. It’s supercool and inspiring, so Check it Out.

Now!

Next up, is another blog from my other sucia, Desiree (yes, I do know a whole bunch of sucias). Her, blog is also super cool! It’s called Dog Ladies World. In it, she basically does what our friend "Lisa" should be doing. Which is writing her own damn blog about her own challenging relationships.

I’m just kidding. You don’t want "Lisa" to EVER write anything. Because "Lisa" is a horrible writer! And, if she wants to disprove my statement, she needs to WRITE something, so I can post it.

But, lucky for you, Desiree is not lazy like "Lisa." Desiree’s site is awesome and gets some really good discussion going about the interaction between women and men. So, Check it Out.

Real Women Have Curves and Dog Ladies World. Awesome blogs, that are now in the "Links" section. Check Them Out (LOL, I'm obsessed with bolding and italics)!

Okay, I have two more blogs to talk about. So, move your eyes up and read Check it Out- Edition 3.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Skating on Thin Ice: Why Hockey Should Stay Away Forever and Ever

DISCLAIMER: Yea, this is probably the most offensive post I have ever written. I really can't defend it, except that I think it's hilarious. Plus, it really disses hockey and I really hate hockey. So, only for this piece, I will apologize in advance for offending anyone or hurting their feelings. I really shouldn't post it, but I really do hate hockey. Okay, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!
------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, it’s official. No more hockey. At least for this season. But, I say why just for this season? Let’s just nix it for good.

What has hockey done for you lately? Nothin’. I’ve never watched a hockey game in my life. No one I know has ever watched a hockey game. It appeals to no masses; which, is why no one cares right now that it’s gone.

Name a great hockey player besides Wayne Gretsksy. Wait, I shouldn’t presume. Do you even know who Wayne Gretsky is?

This is why I, for one, am glad that hockey is gone. It’s meaningless in the American sporting world. Football is America’s true pastime. Followed by baseball and basketball. No one gives a rat’s behind about hockey.

What’s worse is that when hockey is around, it’s actually pretty annoying. You don’t know how hard I’ve looked for a really good basketball game, on Saturday afternoon, only to find a bunch of hefty bags sliding on the ice, shoving each other into plexy glass. Which brings me to another point: Even the fights in hockey aren’t cool.

Okay, maybe the first time a fight happened on the ice was cool. Maybe even the second time. But, once Tonya Harding clubbed Nancy Kerigan in the knee before the Olympics (that was some serious, mafia style clubbing right there), hockey fights looked about as hard as two sorority sisters pulling each other’s hair out.

You would think that high sticking in the head, and teeth being knocked out and landing into fans’ laps, would be exciting. But, I see that on the highlight reel of Sportscenter and I just think, "Eh."

Maybe, if the hockey players were on steroids it would be cooler? Like, flying hefty bags, shooting laser beams out of their eyes at opposing hockey players, while telekinetically pushing the puck towards the goal would be cool.

“Eh.”

You see, even with steroids, hockey has a major problem that makes it unappealing. Hockey is a snore-bore because there aren’t any Blacks or Latinos who play hockey. And don’t start with “there are minorities who play hockey.” Two colored guys who play hockey aren’t enough. In America, in order for your sport to be popular, you have to have most of your players be Black or Latino. And, don’t start with, “Oh, my god! That’s so offensive to white people.” It’s not offensive if it’s true (okay, well, yea, I guess it's a lot offensive).

Look, it’s a proven fact (in my head) that sports that are dominated by persons of color are cooler. And, it has nothing to do with the idea that Blacks and Latinos are superior athletically or anything. It’s just because Black and Latino athletes are more entertaining than white athletes (i.e. willing to embarrass themselves for no good reason).

Look, at your most famous white athlete…

Umm, wait let me think of one.

Hold, on.

Umm…

Now, Tiger’s not white so I can’t pick him.

Okay…

All right, how about, who’s the quarterback that just won the Super Bowl? Oh, yea, Tom Brady.

“Tom Brady.” His name says it all. Boring. What outrageous thing has he done lately? Nothin’.

But, look at all the outrageous Black and Latino athletes. I mean, where’s Tom Brady’s cat suit (Serena), crazy touchdown dance (Ray Lewis), or awesome Jeri Curl (Pedro Martinez)? Nowhere. He just doesn’t have it.

It’s sad really, but Tom Brady is missing what comes naturally to most famous athletes. He has no soul ("soul" being what makes Black and Latino athletes do outrageous things that have nothing to do with the sport in which they play). And, soul is what makes sports fun. And, Black and Latino athletes have soul. Now, I don’t know why Black and Latino athletes have more soul than White athletes. They just do. And, since there are no Blacks and Latinos in hockey, then hockey has no soul. Which means, hockey is boring. And, boring sports have no place in America (*cough* soccer *cough*). Which is why hockey should just go away forever and ever.

Hey, hockey!

Got soul?

I didn't think so.

May you never come back!




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Holidays Suck!

I am in a rotten mood. And, it’s all because of St. Valentine’s Day. It's such a wretched, horrible day. Usually, I don’t let this stupid “love day” get to me. But, then I read this article that was written, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, that discussed the stereotypes associated with single, never married, women. The article basically said that on this Valentine’s Day, if you’re a single woman, who’s never married, and you’re alone, then everyone is going to think you’re a weirdo or that you’re gay. That really pissed me off. I thought we had moved past all of these silly stereotypes about women and marriage. But, then, as I continued reading, I realized that people felt the same way about single, never married, guys. That they too must be weirdo’s or gay. And, then, that’s when it hit me. This dumb belief system that people have about single people is not because of any gender stereotypes. It’s because of this damn holiday. This holiday has made people go crazy. And, it is this realization that got me thinking even more. Holidays suck!

I believe that holidays are responsible for the rampant depression and insanity found in this country, and dare I say the world, today. Therefore, I propose that we eliminate the following “Horrible Holidays” forever and ever!


St. Valentine’s Day

All right, let’s start with this one since it just passed.

So, did you survive this day? I’m sure if you did it’s only because you had a significant other who knew he or she would be damned to hell if they didn’t do something for you on this stupid day.

This is a fake holiday created by Hallmark to steal your money. It’s underlining purpose? To delay divorces for another 6 months. And, that’s not necessarily a good thing. Many times, people should probably divorce sooner, rather than later. So, all Valentine's Day does is delay the inevitable so that a person is stuck in a horrible, god-awful situation longer than what was necessary.

This day also makes stupid girls feel like crap when they see ugly girls get flowers from cute boys. Lucky for me, I have never succumbed to these feelings. But, someone has to look out for the people who do. Which is what I’m here for. To help those poor depressed souls who have been victimized by this insane tradition.

Let’s just nix this day and I guarantee that everyone will feel better about themselves.


Halloween

Basically, this is the only day of the year where people are allowed to be Satan Worshipers. Any other day of the year, running around in all black, with fake blood dripping down your mouth, would be considered sick and disturbing. But, on Halloween, it’s F-U-N, FUN!!

I don’t think so.

Halloween is not fun. Halloween is a wicked day where CVS sells candy corn and Kit-Kat bars at discounted prices. Forcing you to buy the cheap candy, and then eat it, and then gain 45 pounds. Like Valentine's Day, some corporation also created Halloween (I think it was Hershey and Mars) to steal your money.

And, don’t get me started on the little thug-infants who roam the streets on Halloween like they’re the freaking Bloods or Crypts or something. You’d think they would get the message that you don’t celebrate Halloween when the lights are all off and you’re hiding in the closet. But, nooooo…

Infant [banging on the door]: “Yo, foo…I know you in dere. You bestest be breaking me off some Babe Roofs!”

Reese [hiding behind her red pea coat]: “Uhhh, no one lives here.”

Infant: “What? Den how is it that someone is in the house talkin’ to me now?”

Reese: “Uhhh…I’m a ghost…Whooooooo….”

Infant: “Man, this foo is trippin’. Foo, don’t make me come in dere. I wants my candy and I wants it now!!”

And you know what? The infant- he gets his candy. He gets his candy from all of us. Because we’re all punks and afraid of the children on this day. And, that’s just sad people.

Let’s end this day of fear and weight gain. Nix it!


Christmas

This is the big one!

The biggest, baddest, fake day of all.

Yea, that’s right. I said it. Christmas is a phony. It isn’t real people. It never even happened.

Okay, now that’s not to say that I don’t believe in Jesus or anything; because, I definitely do. But, I know one thing- Jesus wasn’t born in December.

Can you imagine some pregnant lady wondering around on a donkey in the middle of winter? (and yes, it does get cold in Israel) “So, then, what’s the deal," you say?

Well, the deal is that there were these Pagans. And, the Pagans liked to celebrate the “sun god” and some junk. They’d dance around the fire, and speak in tongues, and exchange gift cards.

Well, the Christian Right, at the time, wanted to convert these heathens. But, they knew it would be a tough job. Christians weren’t known for being a party religion. So, do you know what they did? They made up a holiday on the same day that the Pagans celebrated Zeus or Ra or whoever it is that they were celebrating. And, to make the holiday “Christiany” they used Christ Jesus name in all of this. That’s just wrong.

So, really, when you celebrate Christmas, you’re really celebrating “Ra-mas.” You’re worshiping some god that doesn’t exist. Do you know how mad the real God must be at ya’ll? It’s a little thing he’s planning called Armageddon (I’ll tell you about it later).

And, to top it all off, you’re probably not even enjoying yourself during Christmas. Think of all the trouble this phony holiday brings. People go broke trying to buy their kids presents and buy plane tickets to see their families; only, to see that their kids don’t really appreciate their gifts and that they really don't appreciate being around their families. You went through all that trouble- lost a month’s worth of salary, to hang out with people you don’t like, only to end up pissing God off.

Wow. What a Happy Ra-mas!

Enough is enough. Nix this holiday and let’s move on.


Now, I’m not foolish enough to say we should nix some of the biggest holidays and not leave you with any alternatives. The following are some days that I think we should keep and some days that we should add.

First of all we should keep all of those meaningless holidays that fall at just the right time during the year when we all need a break from work. So, we should forever keep Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, and Veterans Day.

Also, I think we should add two new holidays: Super Bowl Day and March Madness Days.

Okay, Super Bowl day is a must. Even though the Super Bowl always falls on a Sunday, we should still get that following Monday off from work. By the time you get the hoagies and chili made, analyze the Super Bowl commercials, root for the underdog to win, and then watch the after-game “Simpsons” special, it’s already way past midnight. There’s no way you’re going to be up, ready, and alert at work the next day. You’re too tired from enjoying one of the greatest entertainment days of the year. We need a special Super-Bowl Day so that we get that following Monday off from work. I mean, it makes more sense than Christmas.

We also need the entire month of March off. Now, okay, taking a month off from work isn’t really a “holiday.” But, if you’ve read the most wonderful article THE American Worker (I can’t believe I’m plugging myself in my own blog) then you already know that the rest of the world gets like 5 weeks paid vacation every year. Like, it’s mandatory by law. I’m so for this type of thinking. I think we should institute this 5-week “vacay” and, I propose, that it happen during the month of March.

March is the most joyous time of the year. Every March, people around the nation gather. United in one single cause...

To make sure that Duke doesn’t win the Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship.

Okay, well maybe it’s not that specific of a cause, but the whole country does get together to root for their favorite team in the Basketball Tournament. Further, we all get together and for fun, and sometimes money, compete to see who has the best skills at selecting the winners of the 33 games that are played during the Tournament. Crazy b-ball games and bracket challenges that are only ever won by your sister who knows nothing about basketball- now those are good times.

You see? These are the things we should be celebrating. March Madness and the Super Bowl- they bring us together. Everyone has fun on these days.

Christmas and Valentine’s Day only bring anxiety. And, Halloween just scares the bee-jezus out of people.

So, I say let’s get rid of these big 3 fake-a-days; and, add two new, and completely more approriate, sports-related holidays.

Maybe then, God will cancel that little Armageddon thing.





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

This Just In: An Intro Change

So, you may have noticed that I changed the introduction beneath the "Something Different" title. Yea, that's because I got a job now.

See, I initially started this blog because I was like a freelance contractor who didn't have full-time work. I was bored and didn't know what I was doing with my life, so I decided to create a blog. My intro reflected this state of unemployment.

Anyhoo, now I got a job. So, I had to change the intro. But, don't worry- I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. There's still lot's of issues and quandries about myself that I have yet to explore. You will continue to be entertained by my state of apathetic nothingness.

So, there's the new intro explanation. You can go back to doing important, life saving work now.

Take a Break- Play a Game!

Let’s play a game, kiddies! Can you count all of the stupid things Reese did during the last week of January? We’ll go through Reese’s activities for the week and see all of the Kobe Bryant moments she had.

For this game, you’ll get 1 point for finding each stupid thing. AND, you’ll get an additional 10 points if you can argue which day was Reese’s dumbest day. Here’s a hint: it’s because of Reese’s actions on this day, that Reese missed her first day of her brand, spanking new job.

All right! Let’s Begin!!

Sunday

1) It snows a lot, so Reese stays inside.

Monday

1) Reese wakes up to eat breakfast.

2) Reese gets ready to meet with her new mentor who’s going to give her some awesome contacts, so she can get an even better job than the job that she just got.

3) Reese decides to wear pants to her meeting since there’s snow on the ground and it’s 10 below 0 outside.

4) Reese wears a cute, brown, summer blouse. Because it’s the only blouse she has that matches those pants, duh!

5) Reese also wears her cute, although completely inappropriate for the weather, red pea coat.

6) Reese also decides to wear her very warm scarf; but, not around her neck. It’s hanging fashionably from her coat.

7) Reese goes outside to her car and cleans the snow off of it. In the process, she inhales several inches of snow into her lungs (because her scarf wasn’t around her neck and mouth, just hanging from her coat).

8) Reese makes it to her meeting with her mentor.

Tuesday

1) Reese chills at home, relishing her last days of non-labor.

2) Reese gets hungary and decies to go out to get some lunch.

3) The temperature is only 5 below 0 today.

4) Reese wears her red pea coat outside again. This time, she doesn’t button it.

5) Reese comes back home, but doesn’t feel so good. She thinks she has a cold.

Wednesday

1) Reese wakes up this morning, and notices that her breathing sounds funny. Like a donkey that’s been run-over by an 18-wheeler and clinging onto its last thread of conscious life:

Reese: “Heeeee-hawww. Heeee-haaawwww….Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right? Oh, well, time to watch some ‘Jem’…..Heeeee-haaawww….”

2) Reese decides that her breathing isn’t really a problem that she should consult her family doctor about.

Thursday

1) Reese feels miserable.

2) Reese prays to God that she’ll be okay.

3) Reese rationalizes that she just has a cold; although, she really needs CPR to breath and her body is on fire!

4) Now Reese begs to God that she doesn’t die.

5) Reese’s mother, being smarter then Reese, gets Reese an appointment with the doctor.

6) Reese’s doctor tells Reese that she has bronchitis that is on the verge of turning into pneumonia.

7) Reese asks her doctor if she can still go to work tomorrow.

8) Reese’s doctor tells her that it’s better to be jobless than dead.

9) Reese says that’s a matter left open for some debate.

10) Reese suddenly has a severe dizzy spell and rethinks what she just said.

11) Reese decides that it is better to be jobless than dead and agrees that she won’t go to work tomorrow.

Friday

1) Reese spends her 1st day of work at home, swallowing 600mg of antibiotics and 2 tablespoons of codeine laced cough syrup that has the side effect of making Reese more nervous than a crack-head.

Saturday

1) Reese is still recovering from bronchitis.

2) Reese wonders how she got herself into this mess.

She eventually decides that it’s all Kobe Bryant’s fault.



Okay! Did you get all of the “stoopid” things Reese did or thought? Remember, 10 extra points if you can make a case for Reese’s stupidest day of the week. You can respond in the comments section and I’ll pick the bonus winner later this week.

Peace out! And, try not to be as stupid as Reese!





© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved