Friday, February 18, 2005

Holidays Suck!

I am in a rotten mood. And, it’s all because of St. Valentine’s Day. It's such a wretched, horrible day. Usually, I don’t let this stupid “love day” get to me. But, then I read this article that was written, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, that discussed the stereotypes associated with single, never married, women. The article basically said that on this Valentine’s Day, if you’re a single woman, who’s never married, and you’re alone, then everyone is going to think you’re a weirdo or that you’re gay. That really pissed me off. I thought we had moved past all of these silly stereotypes about women and marriage. But, then, as I continued reading, I realized that people felt the same way about single, never married, guys. That they too must be weirdo’s or gay. And, then, that’s when it hit me. This dumb belief system that people have about single people is not because of any gender stereotypes. It’s because of this damn holiday. This holiday has made people go crazy. And, it is this realization that got me thinking even more. Holidays suck!

I believe that holidays are responsible for the rampant depression and insanity found in this country, and dare I say the world, today. Therefore, I propose that we eliminate the following “Horrible Holidays” forever and ever!

St. Valentine’s Day

All right, let’s start with this one since it just passed.

So, did you survive this day? I’m sure if you did it’s only because you had a significant other who knew he or she would be damned to hell if they didn’t do something for you on this stupid day.

This is a fake holiday created by Hallmark to steal your money. It’s underlining purpose? To delay divorces for another 6 months. And, that’s not necessarily a good thing. Many times, people should probably divorce sooner, rather than later. So, all Valentine's Day does is delay the inevitable so that a person is stuck in a horrible, god-awful situation longer than what was necessary.

This day also makes stupid girls feel like crap when they see ugly girls get flowers from cute boys. Lucky for me, I have never succumbed to these feelings. But, someone has to look out for the people who do. Which is what I’m here for. To help those poor depressed souls who have been victimized by this insane tradition.

Let’s just nix this day and I guarantee that everyone will feel better about themselves.


Basically, this is the only day of the year where people are allowed to be Satan Worshipers. Any other day of the year, running around in all black, with fake blood dripping down your mouth, would be considered sick and disturbing. But, on Halloween, it’s F-U-N, FUN!!

I don’t think so.

Halloween is not fun. Halloween is a wicked day where CVS sells candy corn and Kit-Kat bars at discounted prices. Forcing you to buy the cheap candy, and then eat it, and then gain 45 pounds. Like Valentine's Day, some corporation also created Halloween (I think it was Hershey and Mars) to steal your money.

And, don’t get me started on the little thug-infants who roam the streets on Halloween like they’re the freaking Bloods or Crypts or something. You’d think they would get the message that you don’t celebrate Halloween when the lights are all off and you’re hiding in the closet. But, nooooo…

Infant [banging on the door]: “Yo, foo…I know you in dere. You bestest be breaking me off some Babe Roofs!”

Reese [hiding behind her red pea coat]: “Uhhh, no one lives here.”

Infant: “What? Den how is it that someone is in the house talkin’ to me now?”

Reese: “Uhhh…I’m a ghost…Whooooooo….”

Infant: “Man, this foo is trippin’. Foo, don’t make me come in dere. I wants my candy and I wants it now!!”

And you know what? The infant- he gets his candy. He gets his candy from all of us. Because we’re all punks and afraid of the children on this day. And, that’s just sad people.

Let’s end this day of fear and weight gain. Nix it!


This is the big one!

The biggest, baddest, fake day of all.

Yea, that’s right. I said it. Christmas is a phony. It isn’t real people. It never even happened.

Okay, now that’s not to say that I don’t believe in Jesus or anything; because, I definitely do. But, I know one thing- Jesus wasn’t born in December.

Can you imagine some pregnant lady wondering around on a donkey in the middle of winter? (and yes, it does get cold in Israel) “So, then, what’s the deal," you say?

Well, the deal is that there were these Pagans. And, the Pagans liked to celebrate the “sun god” and some junk. They’d dance around the fire, and speak in tongues, and exchange gift cards.

Well, the Christian Right, at the time, wanted to convert these heathens. But, they knew it would be a tough job. Christians weren’t known for being a party religion. So, do you know what they did? They made up a holiday on the same day that the Pagans celebrated Zeus or Ra or whoever it is that they were celebrating. And, to make the holiday “Christiany” they used Christ Jesus name in all of this. That’s just wrong.

So, really, when you celebrate Christmas, you’re really celebrating “Ra-mas.” You’re worshiping some god that doesn’t exist. Do you know how mad the real God must be at ya’ll? It’s a little thing he’s planning called Armageddon (I’ll tell you about it later).

And, to top it all off, you’re probably not even enjoying yourself during Christmas. Think of all the trouble this phony holiday brings. People go broke trying to buy their kids presents and buy plane tickets to see their families; only, to see that their kids don’t really appreciate their gifts and that they really don't appreciate being around their families. You went through all that trouble- lost a month’s worth of salary, to hang out with people you don’t like, only to end up pissing God off.

Wow. What a Happy Ra-mas!

Enough is enough. Nix this holiday and let’s move on.

Now, I’m not foolish enough to say we should nix some of the biggest holidays and not leave you with any alternatives. The following are some days that I think we should keep and some days that we should add.

First of all we should keep all of those meaningless holidays that fall at just the right time during the year when we all need a break from work. So, we should forever keep Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, and Veterans Day.

Also, I think we should add two new holidays: Super Bowl Day and March Madness Days.

Okay, Super Bowl day is a must. Even though the Super Bowl always falls on a Sunday, we should still get that following Monday off from work. By the time you get the hoagies and chili made, analyze the Super Bowl commercials, root for the underdog to win, and then watch the after-game “Simpsons” special, it’s already way past midnight. There’s no way you’re going to be up, ready, and alert at work the next day. You’re too tired from enjoying one of the greatest entertainment days of the year. We need a special Super-Bowl Day so that we get that following Monday off from work. I mean, it makes more sense than Christmas.

We also need the entire month of March off. Now, okay, taking a month off from work isn’t really a “holiday.” But, if you’ve read the most wonderful article THE American Worker (I can’t believe I’m plugging myself in my own blog) then you already know that the rest of the world gets like 5 weeks paid vacation every year. Like, it’s mandatory by law. I’m so for this type of thinking. I think we should institute this 5-week “vacay” and, I propose, that it happen during the month of March.

March is the most joyous time of the year. Every March, people around the nation gather. United in one single cause...

To make sure that Duke doesn’t win the Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship.

Okay, well maybe it’s not that specific of a cause, but the whole country does get together to root for their favorite team in the Basketball Tournament. Further, we all get together and for fun, and sometimes money, compete to see who has the best skills at selecting the winners of the 33 games that are played during the Tournament. Crazy b-ball games and bracket challenges that are only ever won by your sister who knows nothing about basketball- now those are good times.

You see? These are the things we should be celebrating. March Madness and the Super Bowl- they bring us together. Everyone has fun on these days.

Christmas and Valentine’s Day only bring anxiety. And, Halloween just scares the bee-jezus out of people.

So, I say let’s get rid of these big 3 fake-a-days; and, add two new, and completely more approriate, sports-related holidays.

Maybe then, God will cancel that little Armageddon thing.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Karla said...

I agree with you anout Halloween and Valentines day but i have to say that i love Christmas even thought it is stressful i don't think i can give it up. Oh a whole month off from work would be very nice. Good idea.

10:24 AM  
Anonymous The opinionated git said...

Ironically, Valentine's day is the least romantic day of the year. Think about it - restaraunts are packed, they're serving you conveyer-belt swill, they don't have time to put care into your food. Not to mention the roses - also mass-produced in a very unromantic fashion. All the time you have these suits laughing at you because you had to buy thteir generic total crap because they put a picture of a heart or something on it. And that brings me to the next point - the fact you *have* to do all this stuff. If you are being romantic you should be showing you want to do all that stuff, not doing it because it's a chore or tradition or any of that rubbish... Where's the compliment in a bunch of roses if it was bought because they thought it was their duty
The worst thing ever is people who propose on Val's day. Besides the fact that it's like some freak cross-breed between cheese and corn - in a bad way - isn't wedding proposal supposed to be a special day? Something you share just between you and your fiancé? Not with half the bloody world!

Happy Valentine's Day!

7:40 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Karla: You need to be free, FREE, from "Ra-mas!" You can do it! ;)

Opinionated Git: LOL!! Amen!

7:44 AM  
Blogger 203Σ270 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:17 PM  
Blogger 203Σ270 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:18 PM  
Blogger 203Σ270 said...

Wholly spam! Holydays are some of the fakest situations modern society has dished out, holydays used to be a time to party and just enjoy your party favor of choice now it’s all about getting everything ready and spending money and feeling like crap after all your efforts (wrapping, boxing and decorating) end up in the garbage the next day. Holydays are truly Spam Status on a massive proportion

6:20 PM  

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