Sunday, December 12, 2004

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 2 to Day 28.

Are We a Couple?

And, welcome again guys and dolls to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our hopeless couple, they were hopelessly pondering a second date. As you may remember, Lisa wasn’t feeling any sparks from Mike during the first date. And Mike wasn’t really feeling Lisa’s bitchiness. So, would Lisa and Mike make it to a second date? Well, obviously yes since this is a series of articles tracking a relationship. Really, people, let’s start using our thinking caps.

Okay, so like I said before Mike wasn’t really digging Lisa. He thought she was very bitchy. Now, let me tell you that this analysis is correct. Lisa is really bitchy. I mean, I know this for a fact. When I first met her, I thought she was seriously abrasive. Totally lacking in appropriate social skills. I wondered to myself, “Should I really give this girl a second chance to be my friend? I mean, she would be lucky as dirt to be my friend, so maybe I should. But, she’s such a bitch. I don’t know…” But, then Lisa and I went to the movies, and hung out, and talked on the phone about boys and stupid people, and then became the best of friends. But, this isn’t about me, so let’s go back to what Mike was thinking.

Well, Mike wondered if he could ever get to the point where he could go to the movies with Lisa, and talk to her on the phone about boys and stupid people, and become the best of friends with her. Mike really was confused about what to do, but luckily some divine intervention helped him realize the decision he should make.

You see, Mike prayed to the god of the fortune cookie one night. He asked, “Should I ever date Lisa again?” And do you know what the fortunate cookie said???

I don’t know! Something about “the thing that you want the most in life is right in front of your face, idiot!” or something like that.

So, inspired by the fortune cookie, Mike decided to give Lisa another chance; and, so, Mike and Lisa scheduled another date.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what Lisa’s feelings were regarding a second date. Well, from my “interviews” of Lisa and Mike, I’ve decided that Lisa’s feelings here don’t really matter to this part of the story, so we’re just going to skip that part.

Okay, so here’s where it gets good. Lisa and Mike go out on a second date. And a third date. And a fourth date! These kids are really starting to dig each other.

So, all is going well. Each one thinks the other is cool and all. So, you know what time it is? Oh, yea, it’s time to get their freak on.


Okay, folks, Lisa is ready for it. And Mike is ready for it. But, how do they let the other person know that they are ready for it? Well, the conversation went a little something like this (Note: Lisa and Mike have suddenly gotten all “private” regarding this aspect of their relationship so I have been forced to imagine what this conversation went like).

Lisa: “Mike, I was thinking…”

Mike: “Yea, I was thinking too...”

Lisa: “So, um, well, I’ll just come out and say it. Mike, will you fornicate with me tonight?”

Mike: “Lisa, I would love to fornicate with you tonight!!”

Lisa: “Oh, Mike, I’m ever so happy.”

Mike: “Oh, Lisa, you just don’t know how giddy I am.”

Lisa: “Now, Mike, there is one condition attached to this agreement.”

Mike: “Well, Lisa, darling what is it?”

Lisa: “Well, Mike, if you fornicate with me tonight then you must promise to never fornicate with anyone else or date anyone else, unless we break up. For safety reasons of course. A girl’s just got to protect herself, you know?”

Mike: “Lisa, I promise. From this moment on, I will only ever fornicate with and date you. Unless we break up.”

Lisa: “Hooray!”

[Cue bad porn music: boim chicka boim chicka boim boim boim]

Lisa: “Well, Mike, that was pretty good.”

Mike: “Thanks, Lisa. I always give a 110%. You know, I’m so happy that we’re a couple now…”

[Cue tires coming to a screeching halt]

Lisa: “A couple?!?! Who the [beep] said we were a couple? Just ‘cause we fornicatin’ don’t make us no couple. What the hell!?!?”

Mike: “But you said…”

Lisa: “I ain’t say [beep]. Look, I gotta go. I have a case real early…it’s uh, a murder case…multiple murderers…trial of the century really…I haven’t really prepared, so umm, I’ll see you later. Peace.”

And there she left him. That cold, heartless bitch left that poor, poor pathetic boy all alone not sure if he had a girlfriend or not.

Well, actually, I’m not really sure if it all went down like that….

I know! Let’s pretend that it did. If Lisa asks you anything, just lie to her and say that you don’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth. It’ll be our little secret. ;)

Later that day, Lisa would talk to her favorite Judge (we’ll call her Judge Judy) about her boyfriend’s silly notion that they were a couple. I mean, just because two people have been dating each other, decide to do it, and agree to only do it amongst themselves and not date other people, doesn’t mean you’re a couple does it?

Judge Judy quickly told Lisa not to punch her in the stomach and call it ab crunches! Of course they are a couple!! Lisa, not believing the high and mighty, then decided to consult the low and weak.

Lisa: “Reese, we’re not like really a couple are we? I mean, we’ve only been dating for like 4 weeks. Surely, it is too soon to be a couple?”

Reese: “You know, did it ever occur to you that I have problems of my own? Why do you think I should just be available to you…”

Lisa: “C’mon Reese. It’s not like you’re doing anything. You ain’t got no job.”

Reese: “I hate you.”

Lisa: “So, are we a couple?”

Reese: “Not only are you a couple. But, I actually think you’re on your way to becoming a married couple.”

Lisa: “WHAT!!”

Reese: “Whoops, sorry, gotta run. Hope my advice helped.” [click]

Okay, now, I didn’t really hang up on Lisa. I don’t really think that she and Mike are going to get married. But, they are definitely a couple. I mean, if two people who date and sleep with each other exclusively are not a couple, then I don’t know what a couple is. Which is quite possible. I don’t know a lot of things.

Anyways, 2 weeks after this debacle, Lisa was finally able to admit that she and Mike were actually a couple. Although, she wouldn’t let Mike actually say they were a couple. And no one was allowed to refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend. And she never really admitted to any of her friends that she was in a relationship. But, those are just the finer points. The overall realization of “coupledom” was there.

Anyhoo, Lisa and Mike are now a full fledged, fornicating couple. Whew! Who knew they would make it this far?

In our next installment things start getting really “emotional” for our favorite couple. Stay tuned for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 29 to Day 35. Those 3 Damning Words.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Lez said...

hee-larious. that is my only comment.

9:07 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx. ;)

10:30 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

lol....oh good times, good times thanks for reposting this i had forgotten how funny this series is.

10:19 PM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Hee Hee

2:56 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Hate the couple thing! Hey Reese, I need some legal guidance! Can you help out?

8:31 PM  

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