Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Everyone Sucks, But You (A Self-Esteem Booster)

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been thinking it for years. Everyone sucks, but you. Now, usually, that’s just an off-hand remark. But, I’m here to tell you that it’s actually true. Everyone really does suck, except for you. Recent analysis has led me to this conclusion.

First off, you, naturally, do not suck because you’re reading stuff on my web page. Sure you should probably be doing something productive at your full-time job that graciously pays your bills; but, instead, you’re graciously feeding my ego. And I need that right now due to my increasingly low self-esteem. Forgetting your boss’ demand to save the company from bankruptcy, and, instead, reading my rants and raves shows just how much you don’t suck. All those other cubicle-heads, sitting around, doing their work, not reading this, so obviously are just in it to kiss butt. Because they suck. Yes, everyone sucks at your job, but you.

Second, I know for a fact that everyone in your neighborhood sucks. They are nothing like you. They are so lame. They usually say too much to show that they suck. And, when they’re not saying too much, they’re saying too little. And they’re always doing stuff. I mean really! Do you have to spell it out to them how to not suck? I guess so, because all of your neighbors suck, but you.

Third, it is a scientific fact that your family sucks. Okay, of course you love your family, but deep down, you know the truth. They suck. I mean, it’s probably a known truth that you were switched at birth. They don’t even think like you. They don’t even like you. They always want you to do something that is so obviously stupid. They’re always thinking and feeling junk. Really, annoying, I know. And, would it kill them to contact you only in the manner in which you prefer? I mean really people. Leave my readers alone! I’m so sorry that your family sucks.

Finally, all of the people who are not your co-workers, your neighbors, or your family all suck as well. I know this for a fact. I have literally met everyone in the world. Spoken to them too. I’ve had deep conversations with them; well, as deep as a conversation as possible with people who suck. Anyways, I can honestly say, that they are all idiots! Including myself. You are the smartest, most engaging person on the planet. I wish we could all not suck, like you.

Who knew that your suck theory would be proven right on my badly designed web-page? But, now your deepest beliefs have been proven true. Everyone sucks, but you.

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