Tuesday, November 30, 2004

25 Is The New 30


25 is the new 30.

Yes, I know it’s sad, but true. All of what it means to be 30, now happens 5 years earlier. You know what I’m talking about. The acknowledgement that you are an adult, with responsibilities. That you relate more to your parents then to the seniors in high school. It happens at 25 now. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Here are some things that prove my point:

1) MTV no longer cares about what you think. The official demographic cut-off for MTV is 24. After that, you are considered old as dirt. Haven’t you noticed that hardly any artist past the age of 24 gets played on MTV? Think about it. Who’s in heavy rotation on that station? Brittney “I Can’t Sing” Spears. Christina “Look at me I’m Naked” Aguilera. Nelly “I’m Not a Real Rapper…” Nelly (okay, Nelly doesn’t have a last name, but you get my point). There’s no Madonna or Janet on MTV. Heck, they played Prince’s new video like it was a PBS History special. There was old Prince footage and special interviews discussing Prince’s impact on music before they would even show the new Prince video. I could just hear the youth of America now:

Kid: “Mom, did you know there was a short man back in the day with a curl that women used to beg to have sex with?”

Mom: “Yes, honey, I was one of those women.”

Kid: “Ewwww, Mom…”

Yes, at 25, you have been deemed to old and unimportant for MTV to placate to your interests and desires. 25! Five years from 30! Yes, you’re old dude.

2) The slang that you and your friends spoke that you thought was oh, so cool is now oh, so dead. “Wicked,” “Awesome,” “’Da Bomb,” “Word,” no kids say those things anymore. My generation’s slang officially went dead when we turned 25. I know this to be true because I was told by teenagers that my slang was old the very day I turned 25. I’m serious.

Me: “You kids you need to chill with all that racket.”

Kids: “Chill? No one says that anymore Ma’am.”

Me: “Chill is dead? I’m only 25. Chill cannot be dead.”

Kids: “You’re 25? Whoa, your life is like already over.”

And what do you say when young people look at you like you’re a geriatric? All I could do was walk away and hang my head in old people shame.

3) And, while we’re speaking about what kids say today, let’s talk about how when you turn 25 you no longer can comprehend what those children are saying. And I know, that you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Before you were 25, all those teeny bopper shows made sense. You understood why Kevin from Real World: NY got up in Julie’s face. You could make an argument for why Tami was pissed at David for pulling the covers off of her naked body, or for why David would want to even do that in the first place (I took you way back in time for that one, huh?). But, have you seen the Real World lately? Those kids are fools! It’s all so incestuous. All of the roommates sleep together, get high together, get arrested together. And, then, they justify what they do with comments like “Well, I feel like my feelings are that it’s my body, and I know my body, and my parents should support the reckless disregard I have for my health and safety, with concern to my body. That’s how I feel, about my feelings, in regards to my body’s feelings.” WHAT!?!?!? That doesn’t make a lick of sense!?!?! And, at the very moment, that you realize that what that stupid Ho said was incomprehensible, you also realize that you just turned 25.

As a further kick in the gut, you can’t even audition for the Real World when you’re 25. The official cut-off age is, you guessed it- 24!

4) Finally, and this is the kicker, tell me if you think the following situation deserves police intervention:

Two young men are speeding down a street in a black jeep. One of them is holding what appears to be an AK-47. But, it’s really a paint ball gun. As the jeep goes down the street, the young, paint ball gun possessor starts shooting RED paint balls at random people. Many of these people start freaking out because they believe they have been shot and are bleeding because of the red paint. Should the police do something?

Right now you’re saying, yes they should. But, back before you were 25 you most assuredly would say “NO THEY SHOULDN’T!!” And, I know for a fact this is true.

Remember that song you used to “Jam” to called “F--- Tha Police”? Well, it was written in response to the police having the audacity to pull over Eazy-E and Dre for pulling off such a fun prank. See, before you were 25 that was funny to you and, at the same time, garnered your righteous indignation at the completely racist and out-of-line LAPD. But, now that you’ve turned 25 you’ve reevaluated and find such an act reprehensible and irresponsible.

And it didn’t even take you an extra 5 years to reach that decision.

25 is the new 30. Now go watch VH1.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Shelley Halima said...

This is fucking classic! Geez oh pete - so hilarious and true. I'm still trying to stop saying awesome. It's so hard. So very hard. :-(

2:44 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Man, I still say awesome. And, wicked too. My little cousins just look at me like I'm pathetic. ;p~~~

4:51 PM  

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