Monday, December 06, 2004

Let Them Eat Steroids

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the infamous “BALCO” case. You know? The one with all of the athletes that allegedly used steroids that were created at the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative (BALCO) in San Francisco? Allegedly, high profile athletes such as Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, and Barry Bonds all took some sort of cream and other hormone-inducing crack rocks to become the great performers that they are today.

Now, let me say, right off the bat, that I do not support cheating. Cheating is wrong. People should win fair and square. That being said, I think this whole “BALCO” thing smells like a Bush win in Ohio.

These athletes should not be chastised for taking steroids. We should encourage more athletes to take steroids! Have you seen the things that Barry Bonds can do when he’s on steroids? On steroids, he was able to beat Willie May's homerun record. That record had been standing since slavery!! Okay, not since slavery, but since the time of the Negro leagues, I’m pretty sure. And, Marion Jones? She won how many gold medals at the Sydney Olympics? A lot, let me tell you. She won a lot.

Now, I know some of you are shocked (I can see you judging me with your eyes). But, really, just think about this for a second. Major League Baseball, the Olympics, the NFL, every major sporting group or whatever is really just a glorified freak show. In fact, history tells us that the demise of the freak show was due to professional sports (See article “Let Them Eat Steroids” as a reference for this fact).

We like to see baseballs fly out of the parks and into car windshields. We like to see Olympians run 100 meters under 10 seconds. Do you know why? Because we can’t do that stuff. I know I can’t run 100 meters in 10 seconds. I can’t even run 100 meters. But, I thoroughly enjoy watching the freaks do it; because it’s awesome.

So, instead of pointing our collective fingers at the freaks and calling them cheats, I say let’s give them a round of applause. We should have more mutants in the Olympic Games. I want to see what Jean Grey can do on the uneven bars. Could Quicksilver beat the Flash in the 100 meter dash? These are questions that desperately need to be answered.

So, people, let’s save our righteous indignation for those who truly deserve it. The weak athletes who refuse to eat the steroids. For it is they who are the true disappointment.




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