Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why I Hate Halle Berry

I hate Halle Berry. To be fair, I actually don’t like a lot of people. In fact, this article was going to be titled “The People I Hate.” However, I changed my mind and made this article only about Halle Berry.

You see, I hate Halle Berry because she has, in one person, everything that I want. And then, she has the audacity, to come on TV and parade around showing off all the stuff she has that I want. Now, let’s be clear- I don’t hate Halle Berry because she’s an evil person or anything. I’m sure she’s a great person; but I’m jealous. Extremely jealous! And, in my attempt to grow as a person, I have decided to embrace my jealousy and delineate in a clear, thought out process, why I hate Halle Berry. It is my hope that this article will give me closure.

1) I hate Halle Berry because she is rich. Now, as you may have guessed, I am poor. I am very, very, very poor. I don’t have a savings. I don’t pay my bills on time. I’m just scraping by the skin of my teeth. I’m so broke, that I can’t do what normal people do when they want to rediscover themselves. You know, go to a therapist? Oh, no! I have to sign up for a free Blogger account in the hopes that this website will function as my therapeutic outlet. Meanwhile, Halle Berry has like all this money to buy like all these therapists and stuff. I don’t get to have a therapist…..I hate her.

2) I hate Halle Berry because she is beautiful. Now, I am in no way an ugly person. But, I’m, also, no Halle Berry. Halle Berry is hot. She’s hot and gorgeous and has no flaws. She can have long hair or short hair. She can wear anything she wants. She’s like even the perfect height. I don’t know what her height is, but I’m sure it’s the perfect height because she’s Halle Berry. Freakin’ hot, tall, girl. God, I can’t stand her!!

3) I hate Halle Berry because she’s currently dating my man. Now, if you’re a friend of mine you’re probably thinking, “Reese, you have many famous dudes that you claim as yours. Which one are you talking about?” I’m talking about that fine, fine man from the movie Barbershop. His name is Michael Ealy. He is hot and he was supposed to be mine- until that perfect man-stealer named Halle Berry stole him from me.

Now, yes, it’s technically true that I never really had him. Technically. But, in my heart he was mine….

Pssf! I hate her.

4) I hate Halle Berry because she ruined the crushes I had on other famous dudes. Two guys in particular- David Justice and Eric Benet. I used to think Justice was so fine and Benet was supposed to be my own personal music man. Now I think they’re both jerks and one, in particular, is a sicko. And, yes, I blame Halle Berry for it. Instead of just keeping quiet about their idiocy, she had to go around with her “no-nonsense” attitude and tell the whole world how these guys sucked. In the process, she totally destroyed my fantasy of these men. Thanx a lot Halle!

5) I hate Halle Berry because no matter how much I try to hate her, and curse her very existence, I still think she’s pretty great. Pretty, rich people who steal my boyfriends should be buttheads. But, instead, she seems pretty cool. And, in spite of other hateful comments by other people, I think she’s a very good actress. I also think it’s awesome how she works to inform people about the dangers of spousal abuse and inadequate diabetes care.

She’s just so…so…good!

6) Finally, I hate Halle Berry because…

wait…

You know what?

Now that I think about it, this article isn’t bringing me any closure. It just makes me realize how great Halle Berry is and how much I suck. So, okay, that’s it. I’m not even finishing this. I'm done.

The end.

Stop.

You can stop reading now.




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6 Comments:

Blogger Lez said...

Hate is such a strong word, save it for truly deserving people like the President. And besides you know the saying "black don't crack"? Well Halle's only half black, so maybe she won't age well. It's a thought.

2:02 PM  
Anonymous The opinionated git said...

"Halle's only half black" - Keep it down! The stand-up comedians will have a field day!

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the cutest blog I've seen in awhile, if no one sees the humor in it, then you have ADD. I love it!

8:36 PM  
Blogger TXBabiegirl said...

Hate is a strong word and I think that you should hate anyone because it will come back on you but I also see the humor in this. I don't get the feeling that you actually despise Halle, you just want was she has. It sounds as if you are displeased with yourself. Here's a thought: God made us all different and gave us all different things for a reason....Halle may have all that you say she has but is she happy? Be happy with what God gave you and even though it may not seem like much I am willing to bet that if you take a closer look, you are the one that Halle should be hatin on. This was cute though!

2:14 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Txbabie, it's not that crucial. Check out Anon's comments. She/He understood my post completely.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Secret Stasher said...

That's hilarious!

3:41 PM  

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