Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Why Girls are Really Boys, and Boys are Really Girls

Newsflash: Girls are really boys and boys are really girls.

Okay, not in the physical sense mind you, but in the other sense. The sense that’s not physical.

You see, it has come to my attention that all of the gender roles and expectations that we attribute to boys should really be attributed to girls. Our more open and free society is really a grand experiment which has proven that women are truly the more dominant of the sexes. It’s true. And, I’ll prove it.

WARNING: The following article is full of offensive, sexist, just blatantly wrong, and, I must admit, crazy, thoughts and ideas. Do not read if you don’t plan on agreeing with me. Or if you don’t plan on disagreeing with me, but not saying anything about it.

Women are More Intelligent than Men

This is the most obvious truth of my theory. Women, since the dawn of time, have been smarter than men. First of all, women realized, long ago, that they need not fight to hold official power in order to have it. All they had to do was promise sex and babies and then men would just do whatever women wanted.

Cleo: “I want to be queen.”

Caesar: “I don’t know…”

Cleo: “I promise you sex and babies.”

Caesar: “Well, all right now!”

See how easy that was? Cleo was thinking with her brain and Caesar was thinking with his “man-brain.”

Cleo got to be queen with none of the work. Okay, yea she had to sleep with Caesar and have a baby, but if she planned it right, she could have decreased her chances of getting preggers and Caesar wouldn’t have even known. All of the queenship with none of the work. That’s freakin’ brilliant!

History is full of examples of women simply outsmarting men. Before 1980, women were able to get men to house, feed, and clothe them without doing jack squat! How did they do it? Because women were able to convince men that having a pretty face, having brats, reminding some dude that she’s like his mother, etc. were actually things worth killing for. And, how were women able to get men to long for such stupid crap? Because, women were smarter and were able to convince guys to do what they wanted using their superior convincing powers.

Now, my theory is that women got sick of being lazy, right around 1972, and decided that they actually wanted to do some work. But, they knew that guys would be too stupid and stubborn to just let them into the workplace. So, what did women do?

Well, they took off their bras, burned them, and went jiggling around bra-less screaming words that they made up out of thin air like “sexist” and “misogynist.” Then, bra-less, they called guys “sexist” and “misogynist” and got the guys to change the laws. The result? Women now outnumber men in college enrollment; women have closed the wage gap significantly; and, in about 3 years and 10 months, will take the Presidency.

Bloody brilliant!

Women are More Ambitious than Men

So, yes, there have been many ambitious men. Alexander the Great, Napoleon, George Washington, and Justin Timberlake are all examples. But, all of their goals combined compare nothing to the most ambitious human being who walked the planet.

Yes, you know who she is.

Our very own mother.


Yes, Eve, a WOMAN, was the most ambitious person ever. Her ambition is now encoded in the DNA of all women. Thus, women, by inheritance, are more ambitious than men.

I cannot stress enough the amount of ambition Eve contained in that perfect body of hers. Eve wanted to be God! GOD, PEOPLE! All of those men I listed above fought for some land and/or respect in the urban, hip-hop community. But, Eve. She wanted to be the CREATOR!

Eve only ate from the tree because “it who can’t be named” (I don’t think of it as a “him,” as much as I think of it as just evil) told her she’d be god if she ate from the tree. And, notice it went to her first and not to Adam. It knew that Adam was a man (i.e. Adam was not ambitious enough to go against God) so, it went for Eve. And, of course, Eve, wanting to be omnipotent, took the bait.

What’s even more interesting about this situation is that Eve was then able to use her superior intellect to get Adam to eat the apple as well (hey, a god has to have company too, right?).

Eve: “Eat this apple.”

Adam: “I don’t know…”

Eve: “I promise you sex and babies.”

Adam: “Well, all right now!”

But, you know what, though? Now that I think about it, I really shouldn’t be bragging about this incident.

Yea, that didn’t really work out that well for us humans. Sin, death, war, Justin Timberlake…

Oh, well. I never said ambition doesn’t cloud your judgment. Next, up…

Women are Stronger than Men

Natural childbirth.

‘Nough said.

Women are More Violent than Men

Men like to fight. They fight over land and women. Sometimes, they even kill each other. This type of violence is child’s play, though, to a woman.

Women are hardcore. Women fight the really awful way. Women start rumors.

So, some of you, mainly you men, are probably wondering why rumors are worse than physical violence. Well, it’s simply really. Physical wounds heal. And if they don’t heal, well, you won’t be around to feel the pain anymore. But, what women do can destroy your life. And you’ll have to live through it. For the rest of your life. And the only way to get away from the pain is to end your life. But, no one really wants to do that, so you just have live through it. For the rest of your life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Guys start rumors too. But, when guys start rumors no one really pays attention to them. Their rumors are like glass- you can see right through them. When a guy starts a rumor it’s usually so stupid and moronic that you know the rumor isn’t true and you know why he did it (usually because he’s jealous of the superior intellect of some girl). But, girls will start rumors, make people believe the rumors are true, and at the same time, conceal their motives for doing so. They are able to do this using those superior convincing powers I talked about earlier.

Now, let’s see if I can think of a good example of this…

I know! Take for instance this chick who’s trying to be the new Secretary of State for the U.S.

She was integral in starting that rumor about WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION being hidden in that country whose name escapes me right now.

Anyways, it turns out, that there were no WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. But, when she started that rumor, everyone totally believed her. And do you know what that rumor did?

Well, it started a war. It cost, not only lives, but tons of money. It divided a country. It made other countries hate that one country. That rumor has caused so much pain. Pain that will never truly heal. And we’ll have to live through this pain. For the rest of our lives. And the only way to get away from the pain is to end our lives. But, nobody really wants to do that, so we’ll just have live through this pain. For the rest of our lives!

And to this day, nobody even knows why this woman did what she did. In fact, when you ask her questions about it, she makes you feel bad. She says she would be willing to answer your questions, but that your questions "impugn [her] credibility,” and her “integrity." So, then she ends up not answering any of your questions.


Destroying lives with the power of words. Now, that’s violence.

So, as you can see, it is women who truly possess the qualities we usually attribute to men. Women are smarter, stronger, more ambitious, and even more violent. It’s easy to realize (especially if you’re a woman- it doesn’t take as long for you to figure these things out).

Girls are really boys, and boys are really girls.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Mohamed said...

That's funny :) Shows that gals have a better sense of humor than guys too! Haven't seen a guy making fun of that topic like you do pretty well here (I guess 'cause women are scarier than men too!).

4:44 AM  
Blogger Suhir said...

Well I knew we were better but I did not know how much.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

This post was flippin' brilliant! I love reading your work. :)

6:43 PM  
Blogger daahsar said...

WOW I'm am left speechless ( you did give me a lot of laughs) but the reality of this was way too real. I should give up... I now must submit to women and let the battle be her's. I've lost this war between the sexes. Great read lol great minds do think alike but I'm still at war refusing to give up just yet.

:) I'm liking it here! I will be back.

11:07 AM  

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