Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Reese the Law Girl's Idiot of the Year

I’m starting a new award. It’s called Idiot of the Year (in case you didn’t read the title). The Idiot of the Year is the person…

Wait, let’s be for real.

The Idiot of the Year is the man who was able to make the wrong decision each and every time he spoke or acted without anyone else’s outside influence (Sorry, Bush had too much help to win this award). This year’s IDIOT OF THE YEAR is…


Yes, that’s right people. Kobe Bryant personified idiocy this year. Every time he did anything, he made sure he did it stoopidly (stoopidly being the ultimate form of stupidity). Let’s have a recap shall we?

1) Kobe Bryant Got Himself Accused of Rape: Okay, technically the alleged incident happened in 2003, but the bulk of the good gossip happened in 2004.

The transcript of Kobe’s police interview was released this summer after the criminal trial was dismissed. Now, I don’t know if you all read it or not, but it’s full of great moments.

Like the time the police asked Kobe if he used protection when having sex with this random girl. Kobe simply replied no- that he “didn’t have any.” This fact alone makes him an idiot. But, wait there’s more.

There’s also the time that Kobe attempted to defend himself to the police by referring to his other affairs. You see, the police wanted to know why Kobe chocked the victim, I mean alleged victim. Kobe said, that’s just the way he liked to have sex. He then told the police that if they didn’t believe him they should go ask Michelle.

Now, Michelle is not his wife or anything. Michelle is the chick he has sex with in New York. He likes to strangle her when he has sex with her. And, according to Kobe, the police just “…[had] to go talk to this girl Michelle” about the “..strangling thing.” Michelle would vouch for Kobe. Yes, his mistress is his best character witness.

Idiot. No wait, freak idiot.

And, let’s not forget the off the record remark Kobe made to the police about his best friend Shaquile O’Neal. Kobe allegedly told the police that he didn’t understand what the big deal was. Shaq is always allowed to pay off the women he sleeps with/rapes/strangles/does whatever with. Now, you’re probably wondering what Shaq has to do with Kobe’s case? Well, Shaq has absolutely nothing to do with the allegations against Kobe! So why did Kobe try to rat Shaq out or make him look bad? Because, silly, that’s just the kind of guy Kobe is. He’s a vindictive idiot. No wait, a freak, vindictive, idiot.

And, speaking of Shaq…

2) Kobe Bryant Gets the Lakers to Fire 2 Hall of Famers: Now, while it’s true that Shaq and Phil Jackson were not technically fired, let’s be honest with ourselves here. Shaq and Phil were fired.

Yes, Kobe no longer thought it was important enough to get along with the 2 people who were integral to helping him get those 3 fat NBA championship rings on his fingers. For Kobe, one of the best centers in history and perhaps the best NBA coach in history were just dead weight. Kobe wanted a team of his own. A team where he would be the only one to dribble the ball and make the shots. In other words, a team that sucks.

Well, Kobe got just what he asked for. And, in the process, began to separate himself from the rest of the pack as this year’s true idiot.

And, finally, the icing on the cake…

3) Kobe Defends His Wife’s Honor: Yes, just this past week, the idiot that everyone loves decided that his wife’s honor was actually worth protecting. Of course, I didn’t even know that Kobe’s wife had any honor left after Kobe had bi-coastal strangulation sex with several other women. But, I don’t know a lot of things, and evidently there’s still some honor that’s worth saving. It must not be a lot which is why Kobe is so protective of it. Anyways, here’s the crux of this journey into lunacy.

You see, fellow Laker, and Hall of Famer, Karl Malone had been injured this NBA season. He’s been healing nicely and thought he would be back as a Laker to contribute to the team this year. Silly, Karl Malone. You can’t be a Hall of Famer and play with Kobe Bryant!

Kobe went on the radio and basically said that he was pretty sure that Karl Malone would not be back. That he knew based on that stellar intuition of his (yes, he really did use the word intuition). You know? The intuition that told him to have unprotected sex with an arbitrary girl and that his team would be better off without Shaquile O’Neal and Phil Jackson.

Anyways, Kobe went on to say that it wasn’t fair for Malone to come back to the Lakers. Something about the other Lakers were looking over their shoulder, not knowing where they stood with the team because Malone may or may not be coming back. Of course, this would be true if all the other players were as stupid as Kobe. But, I’m pretty sure they’re not. (Future Hall of Famer, at 100%, is coming back to play for the Lakers. Am I, a kid 1 year removed from junior high school, still going to be a starter? Hmmm, don’t think so).

But, anyways, Kobe just felt the need to tell the whole world about the injustice that was occurring to his fellow teammates. What he didn’t tell the whole world, yet, was that just in case these very public remarks weren’t enough to get rid of Malone, some private words would.

You see, Kobe also privately called Malone and told him to never make a pass at his wife again. According to Kobe, Malone made some very rude remarks to his wife. The Bryant’s (that’s what they call themselves now) stated that Malone came over to Vanessa (that’s not a mistress, that’s Kobe’s wife) during a game and asked her for a hug. Malone then allegedly said he was "hunting little Mexican girls." Now, I’m not saying that Malone did not come onto Vanessa (who is Mexican by the way), but in my opinion those remarks don’t necessarily make me think Malone is a psycho stalker either. But, we’re not even at the stoopid part yet.

So, Malone, guessing from public and private comments, that Kobe doesn’t want him around, made a statement that he will not be returning to the Lakers. Malone said that Kobe’s statements to the media, and Kobe’s private statements to him, have led to his decision to not return to the team. So, how does Kobe react to Malone’s decision? Well, think about the dumbest thing you could possibly do or say in this situation. Do you have it yet? Okay, good. Now, that’s what Kobe did.

Yes, our idiot in purple and gold decided that he just had to run to the media and tell the whole world that the “private comments” Malone referred to was Bryant’s accusation that Malone hit on Vanessa. Bryant just had to let everyone know about his wife’s new humiliation. Why did Kobe do this? So he could defend his wife’s honor? No way. More like because it’s always about Kobe.

I don’t know, but I’m thinking that if my husband’s fellow teammate hit on me, to the point where I was “uncomfortable being around him” and thoroughly embarrassed, I wouldn’t want my husband to tell the whole world about it. Fortunately, though, I’m not married to Kobe Bryant- a man who does the exact opposite of what he’s supposed to.

As a side note, here are some classic quotes from Kobe about this whole situation. They just sting of hypocrisy.

"He was like a mentor, like a brother to me, so when something like that happens, you're upset, you're hurt." You mean you feel betrayed, right Kobe? Gee, I wonder if there is anyone else that you know, that you live with, that bore your child, that might feel the same way? Hmmm??

"Stay away from my wife. What's wrong with you? How could you?" This is what Kobe said to Malone. I imagine this is what Vanessa said to Kobe when he told her he had unprotected sex with some haphazard hotel chick in Colorado. “Stay away from me. What’s wrong with you? How could you?”

"If he [Malone] could come back and play for us and help us out, I'm happy to embrace him as a teammate. But only as a teammate." Of course, Kobe. No one thought you’d actually be friends with one of your teammates.

So, there you have it folks. I know no other person that deserves this “honor” more than this man.

For always making the wrong decision.

For always sticking his foot in his mouth.

For doing the best impression of the Boston Strangler.

2004’s Idiot of the Year-

Kobe Bryant.

© Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger quincee said...

Excellent assessment of Kobe Bean Bryant. Did you see where Kobe's meeting with Phil Jackson? Phil would be crazy to get back into that.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I can't believe that Phil is even considering it. Especially after what he wrote about Kobe in his book. I guess basketball is just an addiction good old Phil just can't get rid of.

12:03 PM  
Blogger derek said...

Guess what?

Phil Crazy! Phil Crazy!

Who says you have to give up the weed to be a coach in the NBA?

1:00 AM  

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